I recently went to visit the Boston area, and specifically to visit the $1-used-book shelves at Brattle Books, and there I picked up a copy of "Edgar Rice Burroughs Quarterly, vol 1., no. 1, Fall, 1982". Because who wouldn't? (You may know of ERB fandom from things such as Tarzan and the John Carter of Mars books. It has a history almost as long and excellent as ACD fandom, with which it often crossed over.)

What I didn't realize until I got it home is that it contained a bonus: a beautiful example of pristine, vintage, excellent fan history, in the form of an impressively wank-filled open letter sent from the editor to all of his subscribers.

I reproduce it here, unaltered and in full, for your delectation:

( Trouble has been brewing ever since publication of V.I, No.1. )

*fans self* Wank was just so much classier back then.

(There is more to this story - McWhorter eventually managed to start an ERB journal that lasted more than one issue, so there must be - but I think I shall just leave this letter as is, as its own shining jewel.)

If you've been in the Final Fantasy VII fandom a long time, you may have heard this story. If not, settle down and I'll tell you the tale of one Ben Lansing, the alleged Squaresoft employee who duped FFVII fans all over the internet into believing that the company intentionally left incomplete the means to resurrect Aeris, the beloved last-of-the-Ancients who dies in a dramatic fashion partway through the game.

Quick disclaimer: A couple of the links are from the FFVII Citadel, which I currently host and have been on the staff of for several years. Though it wasn't directly involved (and neither was I), the Citadel maintains a decent archive of Lansing-related materials; the ones linked here were donated by Tony Destro, who was involved. My intention is not shameless promotion, but to share the history of this kerfluffle, and for that, I needed some of the Citadel's links, which I've done my best to keep to a minimum. Anyway, let's get started.

( A SQLA rep hits the discussion! )

Note: This wank is from 2004. I figured that since F_W is moderated, the mods can decide if the wank is too dated or whatever. If you are reading this now please enjoy the wank.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Dark Crystal fandom!

The Dark Crystal, being an old, small fandom has it's share of BNFs. One such BNF is John, author of the fanfic un-official Dark Crystal sequel The Crystal of Truth, which, incidentally, he tried to pitch to Henson and was rejected. You can only imagine what he thinks of the new up-coming Dark Crystal sequel. But this wank isn't about that.

Needless to say, since John is a BNF, many fans shower praise unto his manuscript. Me? I couldn't even make it to page 20.

One fine May afternoon, durendalmac posts his take of The Crystal of Truth. And no sir, he didn't like it. In fact, he finds it "an utter desecration of The Dark Crystal. It's predictable, trite, cliched, the tone is completely different, and it craps on the grave of Jim Henson."

John replies civilly, my personal favorite comment of his being "Personally, I'd love to see M. Night Shyamalan tackle [A Dark Crystal sequel]. I LOVE his work, and I have the impression his writing style would be a perfect fit."

I laughed until I remembered this was 2004, and that M. Night had not yet subjected us to The Village or Lady in the Water. But he did subject us to Signs. Maybe John never saw Signs?

Anyway, John and durendalmac go back and forth a bit, and durendalmac apologizes for some of his wording. The fun REALLY begins when John suggests durendalmac read some of Neil Griffith's fanfics. durendalmac's reaction is "MY CHILDHOOD!"

And then the lurkers come to support John in email!

Soon, everyone got distracted by something shiny and shut up.

I love my little fandom so much!

Oh fair and forgiving denizens of fandom wank, it has come time for us to choose a new champion. Or a new mod, at least. You may have noticed us fading away, like beautiful unicorns. But no more!

Before you are the tasks three that must be completed for consideration:

1. You must locate a truly funny wank. It may be in our archives.
2. A golden apple. You may be creative.
3. Ten disney icons (edit: This can also be Pixar). Sep wants disney icons.

Those that complete this task will be brought before the oracle of Phosfate to hear their fate!




There will be prizes for participation, although they are best described as 'crappy'. Oh, and the mod prize.

AND WE'RE DONE. PRIZES IN NEXT POST

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Here's another retro-wank. It involves a fannish breeding camp in the Ozarks.

Intrigued? ( Read on )

The last Anne Rice wank jogged a little memory in my mind. Way back in antiquity, I remembered an incident where Anne took out various full page ads in the local newspaper in order to harass a local restaurateur. That's right, before she had the internet, she wanked the old fashioned way...in the newspaper! I hunted down the story to share with a friend and I thought, might as well share with everyone else. Without further ado, I bring you Classic Wank!

First of all, in 1995 Anne released Memnoch the Devil. In the book, the vampire Lestat sees his reflection in the window of an abandoned car dealership on St. Charles Avenue and bids farewell to the world or something like that. It was a real building not far from her New Orleans home.

Two years later, a local restaurateur, Al Copeland, bought the mentioned building and turned it into a restaurant. But it was not just any restaurant, it was Straya, a big bright peach colored building full of neon lights and other gaudy decoration. Here's a picture for reference, though it doesn't do the color justice. The interior was equally "eyecatching" and described as "what I'd envision a classy bordello in '50s Havana [to be]." So it was an interesting place that raised a few eyebrows.

It did more than raise Anne Rice's eyebrow. On February 8th, Anne left a phone message for her fans in which she made a few comments about Art Deco and freedom of speech. Why? She seemed to be explaining to them why she took out a full page ad in the local newspaper to call the Copeland's restaurant a "monstrosity" and "nothing short of an abomination" and to tell Mr. Copeland that he should be ashamed. Unfortunately, I have had no luck finding the original ad or subsequent replies in their entirety, so all quotes are from other stories on the crazy in The New York Times (twice), Time Magazine and Nation's Restaurant News.

Not one to take it lying down, Copeland returned fire by taking out his own two page ad in the paper with before and after pictures of the building, defense of his decor, and a promise to see her in court. He sued her for defamation and libel.

Anne posted another phone message on February 9th. Yet another phone message on the 13th of February bragged that people supported her in phone messages because popular opinion polls had the locals supporting Copeland. In fact, other restaurants in the area took out their own ad to support Copeland and welcome him to the area.

Somewhere along the line, Copeland said that Anne was pissed because he bought the building that was Lestat's last resting place. He said he had never bargained on a vampire, but now that he had Lestat he was keeping him. Anne replied with another full page ad written by Lestat! In it 'Lestat' said "Mr. Copeland, nothing short of your indescribable restaurant could shock me out of my torpor and my coma. I am now myself again. It is nothing short of a stroke of genius on your part to create a restaurant that will be immortalized in history, legend and literature."

As if all that wasn't enough, Anne had been talking about opening her own little restaurant, Cafe Lestat, in the same area. She discusses it quite often in her phone posts spinning out one fanciful idea after another. She insists that she isn't competition for Copeland. Either way it seems that her idea never got off the ground.
In her phone messages, between waxing poetic on Cafe Lestat, she just can't seem to get over the fact that she is being sued as he continues to mention if on March 3rd and March 10th.

The lawsuit was eventually thrown out of court, but not before the issue became a subject of great amusement to the locals. A fellow author of vampire lore called the debacle "a gift from the gods to us little people.” Another author recalls how "a whole brigade of revelers appeared wearing plates of rice and beans around their waists, promoting a dish they called Red Beans Anne Rice". Obviously fun times were had by all as everyone pointed and laughed.

Edit: Rejoice! Some of the original texts have been found by miss_eponine.

And here's a little info about Anne's own property buying binge in which she pissed off local residents from thebratqueen.

Here's another of those slightly aged wanks. But this one is only from 1997. That's practically ripped from today's headlines, people:

( Mercedes Lackey and the Invisible Ninjas )

A bit stale, but there isn't a statute of limitations on wank, and I haven't found this here after a cursory google through journalfen, so I figured I'd write it up.

Also, much of the stuff is in print, but there's enough online to make it worth reporting, or at least, that's what I'm thinking. If I'm wrong about that, let me know.

So, a while back, some fans decided to get together and have a convention. Unfortunately, this did not please everyone in the fannish organization that was throwing the con. This group, who called themselves the Futurians, were very, very upset about the ruling clique, who called themselves The New Fandom.

( How things went down )