fanficrants @ 2004-08-09T10:44:00

2004-08-09T14:52:36Z

I am not averse to taking fic requests. I have even been known, on occasion, to solicit them, particularly for drabbles. However, I think a distinction needs to be made between the term "request" and the term "demand."

Neither I nor any other fanfic writer is under any obligation to produce fic on demand. If we do not update a multi-part story for a while, we do not owe anyone an excuse. Sometimes real life interferes; sometimes we're busy with other fics; sometimes the fish just ain't biting. That's our business, and no one else's.

As for requests, I do feel a sense of obligation towards those, but only to a certain extent. If I have to choose between something I'm doing as a favor on the internet and something with a deadline in the real world, I'm going with the time-sensitive material every time. The request will be done when it's done, and that's that. No more apologies, no more excuses. I am a writer, not a machine.

Taking it... or, you know, not.

2004-07-01T20:37:53Z

There are many things that piss me off about poorly-written M/M fanfic. The surrogate-female bottom, the fallacy of the self-lubing anus, the bad fangirl Japanese/German/French/Klingon/whatever, etc. However, the one thing that makes me see red every time, lose all reason, and wank like it's going out of style (and not in the good way), is the following phrase, consisting of four little words:

"He can take it."

Now, if the writer has actually DONE whatever it is the character can supposedly "take," that's one thing. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case, so nine times out of ten, you have to read about the poor fellow getting rogered with, say, a weed-whacker, and then are expected to believe that he gets up and dances the Pata Pata afterwards. And when one voices one's objection to such an unrealistic - and rather painful-sounding - scenario, one is cheerfully assured by the writer, "Oh, don't worry, he can take it."

But why can he take it, you ask? Oh, that's simple. Apparently, when the male of the species indulges in rampant promiscuity, regardless of whether he does so with men or women, he develops a layer of Teflon on the inside of his lower intestine, such that even the aforementioned weed-whacker feels like nothing more than a gentle tickle. Furthermore, everyone knows that the sluttier you are, the looser you are, so even if the weed-whacker is the size of an average man's thigh, the weed-whackee's asshole will gladly stretch to accomodate it, with little or no tissue damage or mental or physical trauma. And as for the accompanying CONSTANT, AGONIZING PAIN, it goes without saying that he either doesn't mind it or actually enjoys it. I mean, duh. Don't you know anything?

Sometimes I wonder if the chicks who write that stuff have ever tried inserting anything, even a finger, up their own asses. Sure, men's and women's asses are different in significant ways (for starters, women don't have prostates), but still, let's keep things in the realm of the physically possible, shall we? A vagina is built to pass a child. An anus? Not so much. Try working something the size of a weed-whacker up YOUR poop chute, girls, and see how much YOU get off on it.

I mean, whatever, a fantasy is a fantasy, and if the image of some slutboy begging to be pumpkin-holed gets your motor running, then more power to you. But, dude. Ever hear the saying, "Opinions are like assholes: everyone's got one?" Yeah. Chances are that if something doesn't feel so hot going in your back door, it's not exactly going to be a walk in the park for his, either. Have a heart, yo.

Pitfalls of FanFiction

fanficrants @ 2004-08-09T10:44:00

Taking it... or, you know, not.