Fandom Wank Fairytales

fw_fairytales @ 2008-11-29T12:19:00

2008-11-29T18:23:54Z

Partially inspired by recent Twilight wanks, a Vampire Author OT3 AU.

Title: Dazzled By Love
Fandom: (In)Famous Vampire Authors
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 748

“Well, would I retain my virginity if it was psychic?”

The Nanny Filks

2007-08-16T21:16:43Z

The Theme Song for The Nanny
(Original composed and performed by Ann Hampton Callaway)

filked by nyoda, here.

She was working(and not fighting with the Tower Queens)
When a cruel impersonator caused some crushing scenes.
Everyone deceived; only she believed in the stalker uncanny...
So over the Net from her house to the HP door,
Where she screamed about stalkers to her friends galore.
She still swears 'bout au pairs; no one cares
The guilty girl's the Nanny!

Who would have guessed that the girl we've described,
Was once notoriously known as MsScribe?
Oh, her friends found her bemusing (watch out, CC!).
And Fandom Wank amusing (where can that bra be?).
Ms'll only reveal your secrets to two or three souls;
It's all about the Nanny!...or so says the troll!

and by attilathebun, here.

Msscribe was all alone at home, lots of lonely nights,
'Til she opened up the internet and started picking fights.
What was she to do? Who could she annoy? She needed the funny...
But then people started to catch on to her cunning plan.
She needed a new patsy so she picked one and ran.
She had style! She had flair! She was~~n't~~ there.
That's how she became the Nanny!

I was Inspired!

2007-04-13T00:02:19Z

With all of the House!wank going on...I wrote a fic. It's very AU and House, Wilson and Cuddy know about Fandom_Wank. Enjoy.

House was smiling. Actually smiling. Not at a woman's chest, though there were many icons of choice that showed them.

“Rare Lesbian Paladin...I wonder if Chase would dress up as one. Or maybe Cameron? Nah. They'd be Mr. Frodo and-”

“House, I have your mail.”

House covered his computer screen and glared. Cameron was there holding a package of some sort.

“You're interrupting my giggle-fest.”

“You don't have those.”

“I do now.” He snatched the box away from her and open it with a pencil. He pulled out a T-shirt. “My shirt arrived!”

Cameron looked on with interest. “What kind?”

“A sports shirt.”

***

“What do you think? With or without the leather jacket?”

Wilson sighed. “House, I do not think a Fandom_Wank T-shirt is appropriate for work. In fact, half, no more than of the things you wear to work are not appropriate.”

“I think shows my personality.”

“That you watch fights about yourself on the Internet?”

“Teh Interwebz!” House corrected.

“Teh? That's not a word.”

“Is 'thirth'? I'm going to go show Cuddy.”

* * *

Cuddy rolled her eyes as House opened his jacket to show a rainbow of letters.

“Oh, no. You didn't even bother to buy me one. I am devastated.”

“Oh, please. Just because I stare at your chest, doesn't mean I know it's size.”

“House, please go back to your office, and put on one of your other annoying shirts.”

“I could have bought the underwear.”

* * *

Cuddy and Wilson sat together on bench outside the hospital.

“They call us Wuddy.”

“I know that Wilson.”

“And they now think I'm with a hooker.”

“I know that Wilson.”

“And they call House and me Hilson.”

“I know that Wilson.”

“I once saw a picture of me in a French maid's outfit-”

“I DON'T CARE!”

House walked up with a bag. “I come with gifts. For Lisa Cuddy: a bear.” Cuddy looked at the bear with a little shirt that said Fandom_Wank.

“I feel very loved, House. It's not even my birthday.”

“For me, this coffee mug. Mock, mock!” He showed it briefly. “And for Wilson the Man-whore-”

“I am not-”

“There are polls who want you to marry a prostitute. And for Wilson: a tote.”

Wilson caught the tote. “You bought me a tote. You get a mug. Cuddy gets a bear-”

“Are you jealous because Huddy is winning?” Cuddy put the bear on her lap and patted it. “I think I will put this next to my computer at home.”

Wilson took the bear and looked at it. “It's says Fandom_Wank on it. This is romantic?”

House rolled his eyes. “No. What is romantic is the thong I'm going to put on when I get inside.”

Cuddy snatch the bear away. “You put that on, I will barricade you in the janitor's closet.”

“It better not be the one-”

“Yes, it will be that one.” She walked briskly inside.

“I didn't really buy one. I bought a bumper sticker for her instead.”

* * *

The 'Ducklings' watched as House, Cuddy, and Wilson were piled around House's computer laughing. What they were laughing at, they couldn't tell and they weren't allowed to ask.

“House is having a giggle-fest.” Cameron announced.

Chase and Foreman stared at her.

“You have got to be kidding me!” Foreman stared at the glass wall with a multi-colored sign that said, “Keep Out”.

“He said he has them.”

“Since when?” Chase asked.

“Since yesterday. He said I was interrupting one.”

They all turned the attention to the doors when House and Cuddy pushed Wilson out into the conference room with a notepad and pencil.

“Do I really have to do this?”

“If you don't you're out of the club.” Cuddy closed the doors.

House looked at her. “We have a club? Sweet.”

Wilson sighed. “We're taking a poll of what you think is funny and what is not funny.”

Foreman cocked his head. “Wilson, how are you keeping a straight face.”

“I'm...straight? Okay, first question. Funny or not funny: Llama riding?”

Chase tapped a pencil on the table. “Okay, where is Wilson, and what have you done with him?”

“Llama riding?” Cameron looked in House's office and saw that Cuddy and House both had office chairs pulled up to the desk. “What are they doing?”

“Googles. Now answer the question. Llama riding: funny or not funny?”

“Stupid.”

“Makes me think of Peru.”

“What kind of poll is this?” Cameron reached to grab the notepad.

“You're not in the club,Cameron. I'm sorry.”

“What are you? The secretary?”

Chase and Foreman snickered.

“I'm Second in Command of Capslocking.” Wilson walked backed into the office and tried slamming the doors. “You can't slam glass doors!” Wilson finally gave up and threw his pencil on the floor.

“Very masculine, Wilson.” Cuddy rolled her eyes.

“We should ask children these questions!” House leaned over to Cuddy. “Can I have clinic duty?”

* * *

“Well, I've been to several clubs-”

“Were they strip clubs?” House clawed at Wilson. Cuddy hit her head on the fridge. They were in House's apartment going over ways to annoying people on forums and their poll.

“Only two. And I got several free drinks because a few women 'thought' they saw me on T.V. A word of caution: saying 'llama riding' in a loud club makes people think you're giving a poll on lap dances and causes a lap dance riot. I'm afraid at that time I realized I was in a gay bar...”

Cuddy got in his face and smiled. “How do you not realized you're in a gay bar?!”

“There were many women and all the men were off at the bar drinking. It looked normal.”

“Paladin Lesbians!” House kissed the clipboard that was on the kitchen table. “I will go and watch! Wilson, Cuddy, you are my dates. We're a threesome!”

“I am not part of this OT3!” Wilson hit House with the clipboard.

Cuddy sighed. “I'll go. Maybe they'll have a decent wine.”

“I will buy you a wine, my little bisexual woman.” House put an arm around her.

“I will let this pass for laughter that will come in the near future.”

* * *

House and Cuddy sat at the bar. Cuddy had her wine and House had a beer of some sort.

“Are you happy?” Cuddy looked at the bartender who was chatting up an unwilling Wilson.

“Very. Can you dance like those two chicks?”

“Can you dance like those two dicks?”

“I'm pretty sure I can try my hand at a lap dance.” He winked at her. “Hey, bartender!” The man smiled at Wilson before he went over to House.
“Yes?”

“My friend and I have a question. It's a bit silly.”

Cuddy sipped her wine. “Yes, you see, we're trying very hard to get our friend a date. We ourselves are bi, but he loves the men.”

“And we heard him say something a lap dance? Are those free here?” House leaned up to the guy. “We haven't been to this particular bar.”

“Only if someone willingly gives him one. And I have to mix drinks.” The bartender went back the dark part of the bar.

“Hey, Lisa-”

“Shut-up, House. I know the joke.” She ginned. “ You seem to have a call-boy coming.”

“Shit.” Before the young man could speak, House grabbed Cuddy's breast and kissed her. “I have a bisexual girlfriend and we like watching the ladies together!”

“I like his rough face!” Cuddy squealed and petted House like he was a cat. “We got a friend over there who would love a lap dance. Just say 'llamas'.”

He shrugged, but smiled when he noticed Wilson, who was not getting the attention he wanted from the woman he was talking to.

“If I have to act like a bimbo again to save your ass I'm kicking you off of Anonymous Posting.” Cuddy sipped her wine and glared. “Remove your hand.”

“And I was just doing a harmless poll and everyone goes wild!” Wilson sighed. She was attractive but was only staring at the female bartender who was tossing bottles up and down. He then noticed at hand on his shoulder.

“Are you a woman?”

“Do you like llamas?”

“What the-”

* * *

“Dr. Wilson, is that lipstick on you?”

Wilson tried to rub the black stuff off his lips again. “Yeah. It won't come off.”

The nurse smiled at him. “Did you finally find yourself a girlfriend?”

Wilson grinned. “Yeah. We went dancing last night. She also wears ties, but with T-shirts.”

“Sounds like you found your woman.”

Wilson blushed. “She really likes my sweater vests. Well, I have a meeting with Cuddy this morning.”

* * *

“I've been bahleeted again!” House slammed his fists on the table. Chase looked up from his crossword puzzle.

“You mean you've been 'deleted' again.”

“No, I mean 'bahleeted.”

“What have you been 'bahleeted' from?”

“A forum. People are fighting a lot about me. Especially Sexxy71!”

Cameron walked in the conference room. “Chase, I got us coffee.” Her eyes got wide when she noticed House was in the conference room. “House, would you like mine?”

“I got my own. Mock, mock!” He waved his coffee mug.

“I thought you were in the clinic.”

“Wilson just had to see this patient I had, so he ran down there. I think the guy has cancer.”

* * *

“I'm not really sure if eyeliner would look good on me.”

“Trust me James, you'd be beautiful.” Wilson backed up when his new friend pulled out a very sharp pencil.

“I am not letting you go near me with that thing!”

He kissed Wilson. “Fine we'll just stick with the mascara. Now I bough you a black sweater vest. I think with your white coat it will look great.”

“It's like I'm dating a woman.”

“I wish I was one.”

“I wish Cuddy wasn't opening the door because I have 'sexy' written on me in black lipstick on my chest.”

Cuddy glared as she pushed the exam room door open. House just 'happened' to be with her.

“Wilson has a boyfriend. You are not part of the club anymore!” House made an 'X' in the air with his cane.

“Because I'm getting some?” Wilson put on his shirt.

“No,” Cuddy said. “Because you're having sex in one of the exam rooms! I believe we've had this problem before, and it didn't even involve you!”

“Actually, James and I were just having a bit of a make-up party.” Wilson's boyfriend showed off his make-up case.

“Where was the pillow fight?” House looked around for feathers. “Don't slumber parties usually have those. I'm going to write about this in my blog!”

* * *

“Cameron, write this down in my journal.”

“House, I can believe myself checking your mail, answering your mail, even delivering your mail, but writing your own journal entries?” Cameron sighed. “What icon would you like to use.

“The one about bartending.”

“Bartending it is."

“I went to work. I was forced into the clinic by The Bitch(please capitalize 'The Bitch'). I was pissed. Another runny-nose case. Then walks in a man who looks like belongs on MTV15! I've seen him before. He looked 14 when I last saw him, but on his chart it said he was 45. He said if Wilson worked there. I said yes, and that I would call him. So, I did( make 'so' have three o's).”

“Why three?”

“It gives it an effect.”

“All right.”Cameron quickly corrected House's journal entry. Chase and Foreman walked in.

“House! You have got to hear this.” Chase was grinning.

Foreman began laughing. “There's a man wearing pink lipstick and what looks like Wilson's phone number on his wrist in Wilson's office.”

“Do you think Wilson's got a hot date tonight?” Chase mimed putting on lipstick.

House rolled his eyes. “Is this a sorority? I'm already bloging it!

“Where was I? Oh, yes. Cameron start writing. After I escaped, I found out that I had been removed from FOX forums again. But my sadness was soon over as I found that my co-worker was having a slumber party with the MTV man.”

* * *

House walked down the hallways with everyone staring at him. When he got to the conference room Cameron smiled at the Poodle that was fallowing House.

“Aren't you a cute little girl?” She said.

“Hugh Lauretta Jackman is not a girl!” House clicked his tongue and the Lauretta sat. “She is man! And the bow in his hair is for fashion.”

Chase and Foreman were just awestruck that House had even bought a dog, let alone a Poodle. Cameron got her knees and petted Lauretta.

“Well, I think Hugh-”

“Lauretta.”

“I think Lauretta is a beautiful boy.” Lauretta barked in reply.

“Come on, Mr. Jackman, I have some paperwork for you to eat.”

* * *

Chase, Cameron, Foreman, and Lauretta(the intern) were all sitting at the table as House and Wilson argued about 'Hugh Jackman'.

“So, Lauretta, “ Chase whispered to the dog, “who do you think is going to win?”

The dog barked.

“Me,too.”

Wilson screamed. He pretty much looked the same except he was now wearing a black sweater vest, tie, and mascara. “Just because 'Hugh Jackman', “ he made air quotations, “is supposedly getting a dog, does not mean you have to get one!”

“Lauretta is more of a man that you are!”

“He's wearing a pink bow!”

“He didn't get a lap dance from a man at a gay bar!”

Foreman whispered to everyone at the table( even the dog leaned in to hear), “Do you think we should page Cuddy?”

The dog wagged its tail.

* * *

“House, Jackman, Wilson, sit!”

All three men sat down( Wilson didn't like sitting on the floor, but it didn't look like they were being offered chairs).

“House, I would like Mr. Jackman to meet a friend of mine.”

“You bought him a dog hooker?” House smirked.

Cuddy walked across her office. The two men noticed there was a curtain hiding something in a corner. She pushed it out of the way. A cat tree was in the corner with a white Tabby with a large red bow around its neck.

“Meet Miss Meowica.” Cuddy picked the cat up and brought it over to the dog. “Tell him who's office this is.” The cat walked over to House and hissed.

“That's right, Miss Meowica. Now tell the other males.” The cat hissed so much spit got on Wilson's face.

“Your cat hisses on command. I'm impressed.” House got in the cat's face. “Your owner is a Capslocker.” The cat just swished its tail.

Cuddy smiled at her cat and said, “Miss Meowica, would mind getting in your tree? I have to interrogate the males now.” The cat rubbed against Cuddy's leg and sat beside her tree, glaring, giving a good impression of Cuddy.

“House, why do you have a dog?”

House whined. “But Mommy! If Wilson can have a pet, why can I?”

“Andrew is not a pet! He is my- my...”

“Lap dog?”

Cuddy crossed her arms. “Do not talk about such things in front of Miss Meowica. She is only eight-months-old.”

“Yeah, and she's a good little princess with her copy of CatFancy inside her cat tree!”

Wilson laughed. He pointed to the cat tree. “I think Lauretta and Miss Meowica like each other.” The cat and dog were playing tug-a-war with the cat's ribbon. Miss Meowica let go, and Lauretta barked in triumph. But being the good dog he was, he nudged the ribbon over to the cat, which in turn, she sat on it.

* * *

“Vicodin meet wall. Vicodin meet wall. Vicodin meet wall. Vi-” House stopped throwing his pills at the kitchen wall and went to answer the non-stop knocking at his door.
“Hi, Cuddy and Cat. What do you want?”

Cuddy held her cat next her neck. “We dressed alike.” Both had scarves and Cuddy was wearing a white dress.

“You are obsessed with your cat.”

“She wants to see Mr. Jackman.” Cuddy rolled her eyes.

“Does Cuddy want to see Mr. Jackman as well?”

“I thought Cuddy and House could play 'Shipper Wars' on the computer while the two watch AnimalPlanet.”

House opened the door to where he could see more of Cuddy. “Come in.”

Oh gods..

2007-01-27T20:44:22Z

I've filked again..

Last time I took to modifying music. I turned "The Jimmy Olsen Blues" into a Ron Weasly lament over a certain Granger.

Now.. well.. this speaks for itself.

In The Garden of Fandom

With apologies to Don Henley

It was pretty big year for 'shipping
a lousy year for sane discorse
The people gave their blessing to crimes of fanfic
It was a dark, dark night on a beaded horse
and I was somewhere out on Journalfen, by the F_W Hotel
When a stranger appeared in a cloud of smoke
I thought I knew him all too well
He said now that I have your attention
I got something I wanna say
You may not wanna hear it, I'm gonna tell it to you anyway
You know I've always liked you boy
Cause you were not afraid of me
Things are gonna get mighty rough here in the comm, take it from me

He said it's just like home
It's so damn hot I can't stand it
My fine sockpuppet is all soaking wet
And the flamers are burning
and the BS is raging
and the clock strikes midnight in the Garden of Fandom
In the Garden of Fandom

Nice 'Ship
I love those Harmonians
so rediculous
Y'know I remember a time when things were a lot more fun around here
When Snarry was good and Wincest was evil
Before things got so fuzzy
I was once a golden boy like you
And I was summoned to the Comms of power in the Livejournal courts
And I babbled with the BNFs who looked upon me with favor,
for my talents, my creativity
and we sat beneath the palms
in the warm afternoons and bitched and whined
With Crystal and Ginmar
and they pwned the bitchy netspeak with tongues hot with blood
and banged their fingers on sweaty keyboards
Vainly reaching for the notoriety of empty praises
Branded especially for the ones who had come with great expectations
to the batshit halls of Fandom, for their time in the sun

And we were strokin' our egos and "whip-roundin'" for new laptops
Until the mods found out we had ideas of our own
And flamewar was coming and the Astral was shaking
and there was no more room in the Garden of Fandom

Today I made an appearance online
I am an expert reviewer because I say I am
And I said writers, and I use that word loosely
I will praise for you, I'm a gun for hire, I'm a furry, I'm a liar
Because there are no facts, there is no truth
Just fans to be manipulated
I can get you any rating you like
What's it worth to you?
Because there is no wrong, there is no right
And I wank very well at night
No shame, no solution, no remorse, no restitution
Just people writing fanfics
Just opportunity to participate in the pathetic little circus
and wanking, wanking, wanking

It was pretty big year for otakin
BRPS was on a roll
and the web of opportunity
spawned a whole new breed of fans without souls
This year notoriety got all confused with fame
and the devil is downhearted babe, cause
there's nothing left for him to claim

He said it's just like home
It's so low-down I can't stand it
I guess my work around here has all been done

And the BPALS smell rotten, Usagi's's eyes shine
as she wraps around the Sprite bottle,
in the Garden of Fandom
in the Garden of Fandom
in the Garden of Fandom

Copy-Pasta of Ultimate Wank-Off

2006-09-28T20:50:43Z

I got the notion, during one of the more recent wanks, to do a filk. While the rhyming's a bit off at times (it's hard to rhyme with Ginmar or FAP), it's still pretty fun to sing along too. I'm sorry for lack of cut, but I'm not sure how to make a cut in JF-journals. ^^;;

Old RFJason was hopping around
LJ_Drama like a big playground
when suddenly Heidi burst out from the blue
and hit RFJason with a threat to sue
RFJason got pissed and began to attack
but didn't expect to be blocked by Stormfreak
who proceeded to open up a can of Freak-Fu
when Laurell K. Hamilton came out of the blue

and she started beating up Stormfreak
then they both got flattened by a fangirl mob
but before it could make it back to the FAP
Limeybean popped out of her grave
and took an AK47 out from under her tomb
and blew Heidi away with a very loud boom
but she ran out of bullets and she ran away
because Lee Goldberg came to save the day

this is the Ultimate Wank-Off of Ultimate Destiny
wankers, wankas, and spooges as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Wank-Off of Ultimate Destiny

RFJason mocked Lee Goldberg big time
like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime
and then Stormfreak came back covered in footprints
but Vanceone jumped out and landed on the bint
and Heidi was injured, and trying to get steady
when Limeybean came back with a machete
but suddenly something caught her leg and she stumbled
Ginmar took her out with feminist ramble

then she saw RFJason sneaking up from behind
and she reached for All-Caps which she just couldn't find
'cause Heidi stole it and she tried to make everyone wince
But Vanceone deflected it with his fist
then he jumped in the air and did a summersault
while Limeybean tried to pole vault
onto, Lee Goldburg but they collided in the air
then they both got hit by a free Ipod, oooh

this is the Ultimate Wank-Off of Ultimate Destiny
wankers, wankas, and spooges as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Wank-Off of Ultimate Destiny…

angels sang out in immaculate odes
down from the heavens descended Usagi Kou
who deliver a kick which could break steel bars
into the crotch of Ginmar
who fell over on the ground, pain making her head whirl
as Heidi changed back, into a Nice Girl
but Kou saw through her clever disguise
and she crushed Heidi’s head in between her thighs

then Janine Cross and InuGrrl and
Shadowsider, who was fond of black nights, and
Terry Goodkind and Miss Anne Rice and
Percy Weatherbee and some bitchy mice
John Bryne, Esorlehcar, Caina, and Hellfire
Tigerwolf, Danny2, every single MsScribe character
TheBitingFaery and JennyO
Crystal, VB, Sarah and George Number 2
all came out of no where lightning fast
and they kicked Usagi Kou in her cosplay ass
it was the stickiest wank the world ever saw
with civilians looking on total awe

and the fight raged on for a century
many lives were claimed, but eventually
the champion stood, the rest saw their better:
BlackJackRocket in a storm-soaked sweater

this is the Ultimate Wank-Off of Ultimate Destiny
wankas, wankers, and spooges as far as the eye can see
and only one will survive, I wonder who it will be
this is the Ultimate Wank-Off...
this is the Ultimate Wank-Off...
this is the Ultimate Wank-Off...
of Ultimate Destiny

Presence requested in fw_fairytales.

2005-12-23T11:38:56Z

I am, however, cutting it for the sake of friends' pages, since it's already been on fandom_lounge.

And I still ain't sorry.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the blog
All the wankers were bedded and sleeping like logs.
Their journals were written with the greatest of care
In hopes that Fandom Wankers would pass them unaware.
The wankers used flock and euphemisms of dread
While visions of dramas passed through their heads.
And the mice with their comments so mild and meek,
Submitted their comments with nary a peep.
Then on LJ and Gaia there arose such a clatter,
Some clicked on the former and some on the latter.
Away to the 'Net flew the wankas so vicious
To seek and to mock a wank so delicious.
Pages of comments glowed on the screen
And surely therein were some that were mean.
And what to the wankas' eyes should appear
But a bediapered furry who was also part deer,
With a man who claimed goths bartend in the dark,
And bad DeviantArt porn featuring all of Noah's Ark.
More rapidly wankas refreshed their browsers
And faster still wankers splooged all over their trousers.
On Munchausen's! On furries! On Usagi Kou!
On Herons! On VB! On Crystalwank too!
To the top of the page, to the top of the site!
Now dash away, your insanity gives us a fright!
As comments were screened and posts were deleted,
The wankas knew the drama would be repeated.
The same wanky faces and same wanky lines
Would be used again, one million times.
The wankers showed up and regretted their decision
Because now they were subject to even more derision.
The best way to be rid of this mocking annoyance
Is to deal with it with oblivious ignorance.
But some still decide to come over and flame
And call wankas names and imply that they're lame.
The mean girls from high school, the fat, friendless losers,
The ignorant morons, the autistic boozers,
All were cliches the wankas had heard
And all were ignored, every single word.
But as one last post said through the flames and the smoke,
"Happy Holidays to all, I now dead from coke."

ETA: Comments now disabled due to literally hundreds of porn spam messages.

fw_fairytales @ 2005-06-23T22:13:00

2005-06-23T12:15:31Z

because msmanna's story is love. from here

It's just like the story of Robert the Bruce and the spider. You remember? Robbie was hiding in a cave, because lots of people in olden times were very much like the Mean Girls in high school and they made Robbie sad.

Poor Robbie, hiding in a cave all alone. Don't we all feel sad for Robbie?

:-(

But then, Robbie saw that indeed he wasn't alone! In the cave with him was a little spider! The spider was a hater, but she wanted very much to mend her ways and be good. She did! So she was trying to spin a web across the cave and embrace the little flies to show them how much she loved them. Five times the little spider tried and failed, and on the sixth time she made it across the cave, and she her web. And lots of juicy adorable big-eyed baby flies flew into her web, and she embraced them all in her eight hairy little legs and wrapped them up in special silk and snuggled them close.

An eight-legged hug! Just imagine that!

Robbie was inspired by the spider, and the Mean High School Girls didn't make him so sad any more. He left the cave and rallied his people with tales of puppies and kittens and sparkly rainbows. Then they all went out together and killed Robbie's enemies with huge claymores.

But they did it WITH LOVE!

Inspired by all the kerfluffle ever had about fanfiction

2005-05-27T01:20:48Z

"OMG someone wrote anal sex!!! And they didn't do it properly!!! BAD WRITER! I EAT YOUR HEAD!!!"

"Dude, it's just ass sex."

"RESEARCH! You must RESEARCH before you WRITE ANYTHING!!"

"Dude, calm down."

"If you can't write anal sex properly, then don't write it at all!!"

"What are you, the ass sex nazi?"

"NO LOVE FOR YOU!!"

"Fine, if you're an ass sex nazi, NO DICK FOR YOU!"

"If you're gonna bitch and moan, both of you, then I'm the vagina nazi. NO VAGINA FOR YOU!!"

"OMG the word nazi is so horrible and offensive if you say it you're killing people all over again!!!!!! YOU GO TO JAIL KILLERS!"

"STFU!"

"You can say the word nazi and still hate Hitler's ass!"

"Ewww, Hitler's ass?"

"DAAAHH MENTAL IMAGE IT BURNS! HEAD EXPLODE NOW!!!"

"Whoops!"

"GIMME YOUR PR0N! NO MORE SEX FOR YOU IF YOU CAN'T WRITE IT RIGHT!"

"FANFIC IS FREE SPEECH IN ACTION! DO NOT STIFLE ME!!"

"Chill out, people."

"STFU MR. NEUTRAL FANFIC IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!!"

"No it isn't"

"FANFIC MUST BE PERFECT!"

"OMG STOP OPRESSING MEEEEEEE!"

"WHINER!"

"ELITIST CUNT!"

"OMG DON'T SAY CUNT IT'S OPRESSIVE TO WOMEN I AM SO OFFENDED!!!!"

"GET OUTTA HERE THIS IS ABOUT FANFIC NOT FEMINISM! Now where were we?"

"WRITE PERFECTLY OR GET OUT OF MY FANDOM!"

"LOVE ME AND LOVE EVERYONE ELSE OR YOU'RE THE DEVIL!"

"You guys suck. I'm going home."

"PUSSY!!"

"Oh, go eat a dick."

"YOU...YOU COW VAGINA!!!!!"

And then, the internet exploded. The end.

Every time you quarrel about fanfiction, the internet explodes.

Think of the ~~porn~~ Internet.

Don't take it seriously even if there are a few elements of truth in it. :P

fw_fairytales @ 2005-05-17T14:59:00

2005-05-17T22:00:00Z

A Fandom_wank spin off community fairy tale, in response to Ms. A, who apparently labors under the notion that such a meritocratic revolution would make her socially tollerable:

Ms. A: So I say we stage a meritocratic rebellion. Time for all the college profs and researchers and other people with actual brains to take to the streets and demand their rightful place at the top of the US political food chain, and time to put those superstitious, spiteful, low-IQ genetic rejects back at the bottom where they belong.

oulangi:
Heh, Considering how college profs and researchers run their respective departments / domains I'm rather in favor of this - for entertainment purposes only.

Day 1
The Leaders of the Meritocrasy Revolution rejoice! Finally they will be judged by their 1337 brains and not on their piss poor social skills or strange body oders! Hurrah!

Day 2
Fearless Leader Smith suspects that Fearless Leader Jones has a larger office even though FL is 8 inches taller than FL Jones and therefore by rights should have the bigger office. Smith files a complaint with the Merit board.

Day 3
FL Jones has replied to the complaint! She claims that the shape of the office only makes it look larger, and that besides Smith's office gets more sunlight.

Day 4 - 10
Smith is caught in Jones office with a tape measure. She claims she was just trying to get at the truth of the matter, while Jones calls it "an egregious invasion of privacy". The entire leadership board is forced to pick sides as accusations fly. A board meeting is called, the Council of Merit declaring: "no one is allowed to leave until this is settled".

Day 11
While on her rounds J. Smith (no relation) who was demoted to janiter after the revolution "accidently" locks the Council Chambers and then declares herself the new President.

ereshkigal:
Don't forget the researchers~

Day 1
The newly appointed Secretaries of the Meritocrasy Revolution rejoice! Finally, they will be able to do the research that is so very necessary to improve all manner of things involving the human race! And maybe now people will stick around to listen to their theories.

Day 2
Elite Scientist slash Secretary of the Interior Jones (no relations to F.L. Jones) announces her finding on the life and death cycle of the earthworm and how it will improve fuel consumption by 60%.

Day 3
Elite Scientist slash Secretary for Economic Affairs Smith (no relation to F.L. Smith) has replied stating that his own department's findings conclusively debunk E.S. Jones and requests that she stick to her own field of expertise (and stay out of his). E.S. Smith reportedly mumbled "What crazy method did she use to come up with this crap?" after his address to the nation.

Day 4
E.S. Jones rebuttal to E.S. Smith comes fast and furious, asking what inconsequential data he could possibly come up with to question her solid finding. E.S. Jones is reported having mumbled "Idiot doesn't even know what the scientific method is." after her press conference.

Day 5
E.S. Smith has announced that he no longer considers E.S. Jones' credentials to be legitimate. He demands an immediate investigation along with the removal of E.S. Jones from the honorable position of Elite Scientist (oh, and yes, that secretary thing). E.S. Smith is reported having stated in his latest press conference "The scientific method was debunked by myself years ago. How could anyone who considers themselves an scientist of any caliber have missed my paper on the subject? It was in the UBER ELITE SCIENTIST magazine's May 1993 issue."

Day 6 - 10
The "discussions" about the "disagreement" between E.S. Jones and E.S. Smith has raged through the capitol bringing any further research upon the subject to a complete and utter halt. Until the problem has been resolved, the President urges all citizen who live or work within the District of Columbia to stay indoors until a "speedy" resolution can be found.

Day 11
While on his rounds R. Smith (no relations) who was demoted to janitor after the revolution "discovered" the findings (along with the degrees and accolades) of both E.S. Jones and E.S. Smith ablaze in a trashcan at the back of the Senate building. No suspects have been taken into custody as of this broadcast, however, both E.S. Jones and E.S. Smith have been suspended indefinitely until the matter has been resolved.

The Ball of Fandom_Wank

2005-05-15T04:21:19Z

(Sung to the tune of "The Ball of Kerrymuir".)

Four and twenty n00bies came o'er for CrystalWank,
And when the wank was over, the JF servers sank.

Singin' your balls to your keyboard, your arse against the wall,
If ya never been wanked o'er at fandom_wank, ya never been wanked at all.

There was wankin' in the LJs, there was wankin' in the GAFF,
And ya still could hear the whinin' o'er the mockin' and the laughs.

Singin' your balls to your keyboard, your arse against the wall,
If ya never been wanked o'er at fandom_wank, ya never been wanked at all.

Teh 3bil Cabal, they were there, like spooky 1337ist ghosts.
I'd tell ya more, but I'm afraid they edited this post.

Singin' your balls to your keyboard, your arse against the wall,
If ya never been wanked o'er at fandom_wank, ya never been wanked at all.

Ol' wankprophet, he was there; I think he pwnd thorn_star.
I cannae be certain, for I'm 'fraid it was tl;dr.

Singin' your balls to your keyboard, your arse against the wall,
If ya never been wanked o'er at fandom_wank, ya never been wanked at all.

backfromspace, he was there; he wasn't up to much;
He lined the ladies against the wall and did 'em with his ~~banhammer~~ crutch.

Singin' your balls to your keyboard, your arse against the wall,
If ya never been wanked o'er at fandom_wank, ya never been wanked at all.

Fanfic_rants did bring the wank, through rain and snow and sleet.
We tune in there to find out the wank flavor of the week.

Singin' your balls to your keyboard, your arse against the wall,
If ya never been wanked o'er at fandom_wank, ya never been wanked at all.

I'd write more, but the Crazy Muse is passed out in the hallway. It's a folksong-type thing, so further verses are appreciated. Compose! Contribute! ~~And I'll show you my 1337 rack!~~

fw_fairytales @ 2005-04-09T21:11:00

2005-04-09T19:19:41Z

This is a little unusual, as it wasn't originally posted on F_W, but in a comment on a blog featured in a wank post. However, the writer took the shape of A little Mouse to appear on the plane of F_W and spoke forth with benevolence when I asked if I can post it here. And so...

Once upon a time there were a group of people who like to butter their toast on the wrong side. Now they knew that most people up and down the street found this to be perverse, so they only buttered their bread the wrong side up in their own house. Nevertheless, the neighbors complained. “Far be it from us to judge you, but our children can see into your kitchen window!”

“Even with our curtains drawn?” asked the butter toasters.

“Well, the material is rather flimsy,” replied the neighbors.

“Horrors. Okay. Well, could you please ask your children not to look in our window?” asked the butter toasters.

“Hey, they may be our kids but you are the ones having toasting parties,” insisted the neighbors.

“Okay, we'll put heavy shades on our windows,” said the butter toasters. “We certainly don't want the children to be harmed.”

For a while all was calm until one day the neighbors returned.

“What now!” cried the butter toasters. “Are your children watching us some other way?”

“Well, no. It's just that there are other butter toasters out there and they don't have heavy shades on their windows so we wanted you to go over and get them to put up shades,” said the neighbors.

“We don't know them. We've never met,” said the butter toasters.

“Well, you all put butter on your toast the wrong way,” said the neighbors.

“No, actually, some use margarine. Some use oleo and some put on peanut ….” Said the butter toasters.

The neighbors threw their hands up in despair. “Stop. The horror. We can't hear anymore perversity. Just get the others to put heavy shades on their windows.”

“How? We don't know them. We just know the members of our little club. And why would they listen to us?” asked the butter toasters. “Besides we have so much toast to butter. Yumm. Buttered Toast.”

The neighbors were angry. They didn't understand why anyone would butter their toast the wrong way. They didn't want to have to go up and down the street making sure that the other butter toasters had their shades drawn. The butter toasters were angry because they felt they had put shades up on the windows but were still being held responsible for the actions of strangers. And the children never did learn it was rude to look into other people's windows.

A little Mouse

From the Sin City wank

2005-04-07T16:50:58Z

...every feminazi deserves a feminiemoller, thus:
When they praised the style and technique,
I threw a hissy because the misogyny mattered more.
When they tried to talk about the strong female characters,
I threw a hissy because I knew that having women and men in the same film was misogynist.
When they asked what I expected from something called “Sin City,”
I threw a hissy because that still doesn't excuse the misogynistic portrayal of all the women as half-dressed hookers.
When they pointed out that it was violent against men too,
I threw a hissy because it was trying to distract people from the misogyny.
Then I tried to post my hissy on LiveJournal,
And I got banned for having a different opinion than the mod,
And by that time there was no one
Left who wasn’t sick of my whiny crap.
From Also_not_a_pipe

fw_fairytales @ 2005-03-15T22:14:00

2005-03-16T06:14:42Z

Some back story here - for those of you who didn't know, fandom_wank's infamous troll phoenix sponsered a goat as part of an OXfam program. He named it after me.

My fandom_wank fairy tale, found here -

Take the goat for example - thanks to Phoenix some family in Malawi will have little Oulangi bleating in their hut, birthing kids and generally adding to their quality of life.

In time, they may have a whole herd of goats, maybe enough to move beyond their immediate family’s subsistence but enough to sell and pay for their daughter's education. Now little Bupe is attending the local Oxfam school instead of healing from her infibulation - and the volunteer running the place notices Bupe's wit and intelligence. She tutors little Bupe, and when Bupe is older she calls in favors to get her a scholarship to a university in a western country.

Poor Bupe. The west is nothing like her home. She's lonely and misplaced. Computers are ridiculously cheap now, and she eschews the computer lab for the comfort of her studying in her dorm room. It's not that she doesn't like her fellow students, but their field of reference is so different she has trouble relating to them. One night, while researching an essay on Tolkien she finds a strange link to a place called "Fandom Wank".

So after lurking for a month or two Bupe takes the plunge and makes a journal. Her first comments are innocuous: a “WORD!” here, a “TL:DR” there. But as her confidence grows, so does her comments, and hey – who’d a thought a goat herder’s daughter from Malawi was so fucking funny?

She’s online more, she’s making friends and she realizes that wankers aren’t all that different from her classmates. With wank as a common ground, she begins spending more time with them; study groups, going to the pub – that sort of thing. College is fun! She’s still anxious to return home, but it doesn’t feel so urgent anymore so she decides to pursue a PhD. There’s an institute in The Netherlands she’s heard of that she’s heard of that has several respected programs – including Third World development and women in development.

It rains a lot in Holland. Bupe’s homesick now, but fortunately, thanks to Fandom_wank she’s never alone. Half of the professors at the institute are real assholes, it’s clear that actually *teaching* was not what they wanted to do. They spend their time banging out proposals for UNESCO projects or actually on UNESCO projects. However, in the midst of this Bupe meets a professor who is something of a kindred spirit – and strangely enough – on Fandom_wank. A light bulb goes on for Bupe.

Bupe’s last year at the institute is hectic. Graduation requires both a dissertation and a proposal for a development project. The project’s no problem, though Bupe hasn’t figured out how to sell it. Most students propose building an irrigation project or an airport. Bupe has something very different in mind.

Amazingly, the board accepts Bupe’s proposal. It’s unconventional, but it reminds one of the judges of a project he approved years ago: something about giving goats to impoverished families in Malawi. Bupe gets her funding and heads home.

Malawi’s changed a lot – and yet not at all. Her family’s cinderblock home looks the same – only now they have electricity and even a computer. Their houses look identical to most in her village, and by extension most in her country. The bones are there – they just need someone to put them in place.

Using maps Bupe had painstakingly drawn during her last year at the Institute Bupe oversees the placement of the hubs UNESCO paid for. It’s not perfect – there are still people who fall outside of coverage, but thanks to wireless technology and solar power, her project has given free internet service to 78% of the population. Bupe’s first lesson is netiquette. Her second is the rules of Fandom_wank.

As other countries see the quality of life numbers rising, Bupe’s project is duplicated around the world: get them internet, get them fandom wank. Journalfen membership surpasses 1 billion, but they’ve long qualified for subsidies so ZR and Robin aren’t bearing the brunt of this.

Suddenly the entire world has a common ground other than the new David Hasselhoff series “Baywatch Revenge”. People from different walks of life understand each other. Invading Iran doesn’t seem like a great idea because everyone knows Fatima (screen name: pwnd) and gosh, she’s pretty nice. Faced with the worldwide population’s refusal to bomb teh funney, peace breaks out, a glorious era based on knowledge, snark, wank, and teh funney is born.

What was my point?

A Song from the Bottom of My Heart

2005-01-19T00:32:50Z

Once upon a time, there was a wee little girl on fandom_wank. And one day, she saw a post about another girl who was very, very, VERY upset that the wee little girl and some of her Internet friends liked to giggle at silly stories.

The wee little girl decided to be nice and try to explain to the very upset little girl why giggling at silly stories was so much fun. So she thought, and thought, and while thinking she opened the jukebox on her magical posting machine. And she found a song that would do just that!

After the Filking Fairy sprinkled her with pixie dust, that is.

(Original lyrics by Voltaire
Apologies to tviokh)

When GAFF is too busy
And fandom_wank’s a bit too much
They call on me by name you see,
For my special touch.
To the Urple I'm Miss Fortune
To the Slashers I'm Sir Prize
But call me by any name
Any way it's all the same

I'm the spork in your pain
I'm the “Bitch, please!” in your brain
I'm the *sighs* about your cred
I'm the desk that meets a head
I'm the grammar on which you slip
I'm the *eyeroll* in every ‘ship
I'm the thorn in your plot
Naming canon you ‘forgot’

And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
Tviokh tips her hat to me
I mock it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

While there's fangirls to make sad
While there's mocking to be had
while there's egos left to prick
While there's BNFs left to trip down the stairs
I'll be there, I'll be waiting round the corner
It's a game. I'm glad I'm in it
'Cause there's one posted ev'ry minute

And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
Tviokh tips her hat to me
I mock it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

I pledge my allegiance to all things snark
And I promise on my damned soul
To do as I am told, Those Mean Girls From School
Have never seen a soldier quite like me
Not only does her job, but does it happily.

I'm the fear that keeps you awake
I'm the shadows on the wall
I'm the monsters they become
I'm the nightmare in your skull
I'm the laughter at your back
An extra turn on the rack
I'm the quivering of your heart
A stabbing pain, a sudden start.

And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
Tviokh tips her hat to me
I mock it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need

It gets so lonely being evil
What I'd do to see a *smile*
Even for a little while
And no one loves you when you're evil
I'm lying though my teeth!
Your tears are all the company I need

x-posted from my JF, because deoridhe is love

The Book Of Fanfic

2005-01-18T17:13:22Z

And Teh Word was revealed, and writ down in...

The Book Of Fanfic

Chapter I

1: And it came to pass that some people wrote fanfic, and they had themselves a high old time of it, and why not, for it was fun.

2: And it came to pass very shortly afterwards that others read these writings, and thought that they were not Good, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

3: "Lo!" they said. "This badfic is a plague upon the nations of the Earth. For how hard is it to get a beta reader? Or to run spellcheck? Or use the holy powers of logic? Or write the characterisations *I* like? Or do *normal* pairings? Verily, these writers are crap."

4: The noise of outraged fans did rise up even to Heaven and buzzed in the ear of God, like unto a swarming plague of locusts.

5: And it did bother Him, for He was trying to have a relaxing afternoon by the pool, reading popslash about Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake having Teh Hawt Buttsex.

6: (For yea, truly is it said of them that they are the Lambs of God.)

7: And, lo, in His mercy and wisdom and desire to read in peace, the Lord blessed those who did not wish to read the fanfic with the power of the back button, even in their browsers, and the miracle of the delete key, even in their mailing lists, that they might not have to read that which they did not wish to read.

8: And there was much rejoicing.

Chapter II

1: And then it came to pass that some people picked up the fanfic they did not like and mocked it, and MTSed it, and they had themselves a high old time of it, and why not, for it was fun.

2: Others read these mockings, and thought that they were not Good, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

3: And the writers of mocking reviews said, "You suck!" in many witty ways.

4: And the defenders of the fanfic said, "People can write what they like!"

5: And the writers of mocking reviews said, "If they can write the tripe, then we can mock it. Free speech cuts both ways, baby."

6: And the defenders of the fanfic said, "You don't have to read it if you don't want to!"

7: And the writers of mocking reviews said, "Likewise, asshat."

9: And other voices cried out in the wilderness, saying, "*Please*, people, can't we all just get along?"

10: Like anyone paid attention to *them*. Losers.

11: The sun rose and set, and rose and set, and still the arguments went on without abating.

12: And the noise did rise up even to Heaven and buzzed in the ear of God, like unto a stinging plague of hornets.

13: And it did bother Him, for He was chilling in His den with a margarita, working on the outline of a story about Justin Timberlake getting it on with his mother.

14: (For He is the Father *and* the Son and, well, I'm just sayin' how that can look to an outsider, that's all, okay?)

15: And God did not write His Lynncest epic, for His story idea did take a hike before He could write it down. And boy was He pissed off about *that*, for it would've really livened up the Apocrypha, yo.

16: And verily He was stumped, for He had already handed over the back buttons and the delete keys, and He knew not what else to do. For even omnipotence fails in the face of Fandom.

17: Finally, the Lord God stood ready to smite His ungrateful children with fire and lightening and show cancellations from the skies. And He said unto them, "Jesus fucking Christ on a skateboard -- sorry, Son -- are you people never happy?"

18: And the multitude answered, "No, Lord. And whose fault is that, eh?"

19: And God said, "Fair point, well made."

20: For truly, that was exactly the way He had made them. And that was the way they would ever be, from that day until the ending of the world.

21: And, lo, too late did He start to regret that He had not used a beta during the Creation.

22: And so He set aside His thunderbolts, and popped in His earplugs, and went back into His den to curl up with a story about Joey Fatone and Lance Bass doing each other in a dressing room, in drag.

23: (For who would choose a loaf and five fishes when they could have one Phatfish?)

Chapter III

1: And it came to pass that some people wrote fanfic, and they had themselves a high old time of it, and why not, for it was fun...

clears throat

2004-12-31T21:37:11Z

A little song parody I came up with a few months ago...song parodies/filk count as fairytales, right?

Amy Player, Cassie Claire,
Colorbars sans pubic hair,
MY HED IS PASTEDE ON YAY!
Is so and so straight or gay?

Yaoi hunters, Sugarqill,
Sues claiming they were ill.
DomLijah, Sirius Black,
"Now he dead from coke"!

We didn't start the wanking!
It was always burning since
the net's been turning!
We didn't start the wanking!
We didn't ignite it
but we didn't fight it!

Millyfan, Neopets,
Gaia-online, fanficrants.
Politics, mock_the_stupid
Customers_Suck!
Akito Sohma revealed
"his" dirty secret-
Rabid fangirls everywhere
cried and screamed
"WHATTHEFUCK?!"

We didn't start the wanking!
It was always burning since
the net's been turning!
We didn't start the wanking!
We didn't ignite it
but we didn't fight it!

X, CLAMP, Digimon,
Star Wars, Pokemon.
Star-stalking, pairing wars.
How do fans stand it anymore?!

(Unfinished as of yet...feel free to chime in!)

I'm Dreaming of a Wank Christmas Filk Contest?

2004-12-20T05:22:36Z

First we have wankprophet's Tinhat Carol which has been answered now with two submissions of great f_w Christmas filking by leto:

Wankprophet Baby

and

Jingle Bells aka Dashing Through The Splooge.

Dueling Christmas song filk has begun! Anyone else want to play?

Filk caroling!

2004-12-19T22:50:50Z

From wankprophet, who is apparently feeling very jolly these days:

Beard the hobbits with straight girlies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
PR holds their short and curlies
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Dom, he now wears gay apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
To tell MsA that they're in peril
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the flaming Wood before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
We're tinhats, you can't ignore us.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Follow Lij in Merry measure
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
As they perform for KC's pleasure
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Girls have eyes for hobbit asses
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
But they don't like those nasty lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sing they torch songs to each other
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While Sean goes mad just like his mother*
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

*Have been asked to put in footnote to effect that this is not my opinion, heh.

i just got robbed. anybody got a spare laptop, or an iPod, or any expensive portable electronics?

2004-12-07T19:48:54Z

I once heard a tale oh so sad
That no proper words then I had
Some robbers, you see,
Took Cassie's PC,
And boy did her fangirls get mad.

Now lest you think this NBD,
I'll explain so you too can see:
Those fangirls did get
All over the net
And raised funds for a new PC

The problem, as I'm telling you,
Is not so much that this they did do
It's more that this debt
It threatened the net
The traffic increased, and it grew

So bandwidth and time and money
These fangirls did waste, don't you see?
All 'bout a laptop
(Now in a chop-shop)
That had no insurance pol'cy.

So here's the lesson of this tale,
Before the whole damned thing gets stale:
You'd better insure,
I'm telling you, or
Replacing your stuff you will fail.

So learn from our own Cassie Claire,
Whose fans have sent money to share,
If BNF you're
I'm totally sure
You'll end up with laptops to spare.

Aricendil

2004-09-23T02:43:54Z

made a minor edit and added cut tag

A nameless bard [The Mouse With No Name] sings us a sad ballad to the old tune of Earendil in the Vampire queen versus Amazon wank, here.

Sorry, Tolkien...

... but for some reason Anne Rice + Gil-Galad = Earendil tonight.

Anne Rice needs no editor
Of her the Wankers sadly sing
The one whose words are large and posh
Whose sentences are frightening.

She wrote a world of vampires gay
Whose parts were dead, though nicely hung
From Egypt up to New Orleans
Through centuries her stories swung.

The first, it's said, were edited
With grammar good and spelling fine
The reader's eye could find no fault
T'was smooth, like drinking finest wine.

But lo, the Ego did appear
The editors, outcast were they
The reader's eye began to trip
to stumble, glaze and turn away.

And into darkness fell her fans
In Boredor, where the... WTF? Hang on. I'm in the wrong poem, sorry.

'Tis said she also writes Teh Sex
And badly, too, by all accounts
With damsels panting, crying "More!"
And writhing 'neath their heaving mounts.

But now she Wanketh hot and grim
And burneth furious like fire
Critics, though they honest be
Are naught but fuel to stoke her ire.

'Tis sad to see, this writer's fall
The promise that did start so well
For now the Ego, growing large
Has trapped her in an angry Hell.

Forever still a writer of
A paragraph that has no end
A shining star of primo wank
The Flameifer that doth offend!

Anne, you're inspiring.

Wanka Tours, Inc.

2004-07-01T16:04:11Z

Welcome to Wanka Tours. I am Deoridhe, your host for today. Now, if you can look out your left window *the bus tips dangerously to the left*, you will see evidence of true delusion. Take care too look closely, this is a particularly find specimen of insanity. Now, looking back toward the huge mountain of wank, we will see a tiny shrine to our own star, Cleolinda, whose fame has, apparently, spread far and wide, even into the very depths of psychosis. Now, if everyone could look out the right window *the bus tips dangerously to the right*, there is a lovely patch of masculine protectiveness, titled "Step off my princess, bitch" by most of us staff. *polite laugh* And finally, the piece de la resistance, one wanker among many asserts her status as a fictional character.

Thank you for spending your day with us, here at Wanka Tours. Please have a good day and enjoy the rest of your vacation in Spoogeville.

Ode to teh Wankas

2004-06-25T20:48:08Z

Oh, fandom_wank, I'm glad you're back,
Though still not quite in form,
But still, it's good as spooge is stacked
To see something like the norm.
Teh funneh was, in my opinion,
Very good despite my lack
Of knowing in-jokes or having minions
But hey, I'm good at slack.
To zorrorojo, aren't you glad
That you got dragged into
A wank about the wank--it's mad!
For putting up, thank you.
To all the mods, I'm sorry that
Your prank was sooner ended
Than you had planned, and sort of flat
The joke became; not what you'd intended.
To all the oldbies, elite or not,
To ones who wanked and didn't,
Teh funneh you did bring, a lot,
No matter what you'd hinted.
To newbies from before Crystalwank,
Of which I'll say I'm one,
For wanking, you I need to thank,
You really brought teh fun.
To n00bs I do give a salute
Because no matter what
Brokens rules seemed so acute
You're still part of f_w--but
I'm sorry for the total drought
Of wanka spirit which
Caused some of us to feel left out,
Or too left in, and bitch
Cuz really, ain't it all s'posed
To be about teh funneh?
(And goddammit, everybody *knows*
That ari_o's a bunneh.)
Yeah, I know, that last part stank,
I must admit, it's true,
When rhyming "funneh" I drew a blank.
Problem with that? Screw you!
In closing I would like to do
This thing and all you thank,
Cuz we are all glad of the new
Return of fandom_wank.

(x-posted to my JF and my LJ. because I can. :D )

fw_fairytales @ 2004-06-24T11:33:00

2004-06-24T16:42:32Z

Hello, all. n.n You may have noticed how I haven't posted in any of the F_W communities in about... two months, something like that. Well, that's because I dropped off of most of them, and stepped away from the whole problem.
But I do still check my friends list, and thus learned of this whole thing. And it provided a bit of... inspiration. And so...

Once upon a time, there was a magical, sparkly, snarky kingdom named Fandom_Wank.

F_W: *sparkle, snark*

And in this kingdom there lived a great many people who felt it was quite amusing to go about their days mocking many others.

F_W: *mockity-mock-mock*

Sometimes, this was quite amusing, done with humor, pizzaz, and wit. ... At other times, it was not.

Sadly, one day, the times when it was not amusing began to override the times when it was. And thus did the kingdom fall to warring with itself. There was much backstabbing, shouting, and bad feelings exchanged.

F_W: "Grrr."

And thus did some leave the kingdom, seeking respite from the noise it now generated almost constantly. While the noise seemed to attract even more people to it. Now, some did not like this new influx. Some were even still brooding over those who had not been in the kingdom for some time.

F_W Elite: "Grrrr. We're mad at the way all these lesser people are ruining our kingdom! (Oh, and we're not elite or special or anything!)"

And so, the Elite began to plot. They locked themselves in their secret rooms, and they plotted, and plotted, and plotted some more.

Meanwhile, in the outer kingdom, many continued their lives as if nothing were amiss.

F_W: "o/` La la la-la-la-la, la la-la-la-la! What a smurfy day! For we are just a humble and modest kingdom for those who like snark to gather, and happy are we in our obscurity and unimportance!"

But brood did the Elite, and looking down from their dark and terrible castle, they hatched an idea. A terrible, awful, Grinchly idea.

F_W Elite 1: "I know what we'll do!" *he said with a smirk* "We'll take away their precious kingdom! Let them simmer for a few days!"

F_W Elite 2: "Heheheh, a grand 'joke' it will be!"

F_W Elite 3: "-We'll- be laughing, at least!"

F_W Elite 4: "This will show them that they are wanky little peons, and we their elevated masters! (Not that we're not 'wanky' and not that we're better or in charge, mind you.)"

And so, one day, the kingdom's normal routine of pointing and laughing at someone who had tripped and fallen over in the next kingdom was interrupted by a shout from the castle. No one could be sure whose voice it was doing the shouting, for it had been magically enchanted by the power of So'q. But the voice did call down insults upon the kingdom folk, blaming all and sundry for all and sundry problems, angrily warning of the dire consequences to come for the kingdom folk's crimes.

The kingdom folk milled about, staring at one another in confusion, wondering what was going on. Before anyone could puzzle out this mystery, the kingdom...

Disappeared.

The kingdom folk all found themselves abruptly deposited in the countryside around the kingdom. Much confusion and wailing and gnashing of teeth did ensue. Some tried to laugh... surely, this was all a fine jest, yes? Some did laugh, for their hearts were covered in finest jade (or, being that they knew what had happened). But much sorrow was there.

F_W: "Woe! For our kingdom was the finest ever! T'was not just a kingdom, but an institution for all! It was a shelter, a utopia! T'is too important to disappear!"

Many turned to the Elite, begging them for information.

F_W Elite: "Gasp! For verily are we as surprised as you! We know nothing of this! We know absolutely nothing of this!"

F_W Elite 1: *looking nervous* "I know nothing of it... except that it was Elite 2!"

F_W Elite 2: "LIES! All LIES! I know nothing of it! I am sure there is some important reason behind it, but I know NOTHING! Your accusation is slanderous!"

The kingdom folk milled about, unsure of what to do. A few times, it looked as if the kingdom might fade back in from wherever it had disappeared to, but that proved for naught. Many commisserated with one another, bemoaning the civil wars and unfriendly place that their kingdom had become, seeming to forget the many times they themselves had gleefully ridden into battle against their fellow kingdom dwellers. Some others moved into a small prefab hut and declared that the land about it would be their new kingdom. And many more continued to simply weep, bemoaning the loss of a paradise that enriched the lives of all.

Until, late that night, Zorro, Witch of the North-

Zorro: "Good Witch of the North. (Not that I'm special or anything.)"

Late that night, Zorro, Witch of the North-

Zorro: "Bitch."

Came floating down and landed upon the high hill of spooge that the kingdom folk had sadly splurted out in their mourning.

Zorro: "Well, this won't do at all. The kingdom of F_W is far too important to have its fate decided by any ruler! (Except me. Not that I'm important or anything like that.) Now, get on with it!"

And thus did Zorro wave her magic wand, and the kingdom was restored.

Many great cries of thanks went up to the Witch of the North-

Zorro: "Hey, fuck you."

-at her actions. Many took their heads out of nooses or brought the knives away from their wrists and bellies, and began to frolic in the streets. And many small shrines were built to Zorro's honor, and their were many proposals of marriage, or at least a quick one in the back of the Benz.

Zorro: "Yuh-huh. Right. Well, we're not going to punish anyone, or take away anyone's power."

F_W Elite: "But you have taken away our power!"

And then did Zorro look a bit shifty, and finger her magic wand, which did ooze slightly from its purple tip.

Zorro: "Temporary measure."

And did the Elite become enraged, snarling and howling, gnashing their teeth and flashing their claws, glowering fearfully at Zorro and the kingdom folk, who just sort of blinked at them.

F_W Elite: "How dare you! It was our kingdom to rule! (Not that we're any better than anyone else!) It had become a cesspit of hatred and malice, and it was our right to destroy it! And it was all a joke anyhow!"

And it seemed that as they continued to speak, further did the Elite's claws and teeth shrink away, and the shorter they became, but continue to snarl and growl they did, as if they simply didn't notice it.

F_W Elite: "Certainly did we congregate in secret, locked rooms! (Not that we're elitist!) And certainly did we destroy the kingdom! (Not that we weren't going to bring it back!) And certainly did we lie about knowing what had happened! (Not that we're not trustworthy!) And certainly did we hurl invective upon the kingdom folk! (Not that we don't love them!) And certainly did we take actions based on personal vendettas! (Not that we're selfish!) And certainly-!"

But by then, the Elite's voices had become almost too tiny to hear. And did Zorro smirk down at them and wave her mighty, throbbing wand over them.

Zorro: "Well, you lot just do whatever you want. I'm out of here."

And thus did Zorro flutter away, the Elite shaking their tiny fists and hurling their tiny curses, until they were exhausted. Heaving great, if tiny, sighs, the Elite did turn back towards the kingdom folk, some of whom were regarding them with narrowed eyes.

F_W Elite: "... Well. Get back to doing as we say. (Not that we're ordering you around or anything.)"

And thus, did the kingdom live happily ever after.

Until the next time.

A New Myth for the Age of Fandom...

2004-06-04T00:57:11Z

From snacky's journal comes this delicious tidbit from one of my own JF spawn, littlebitca:

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-cut="the>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

From <lj user="snacky">'s journal comes this delicious tidbit from one of my own JF spawn, <lj user="littlebitca">:

<lj-cut="The Original Wank...">
<b>The Original Wank</b>

One warm, sunny day in Eden, Adam was wandering restlessly through the garden. He came to a little pool where through the hanging vines he saw Eve bathing. Adam had never seen Eve with her body obscured before, and as her ample breasts bobbed with the movement of the water, he ceased his meandering and sprang to attention like a pointer finding a nest of pheasant. As Eve splashed water on herself, and rubbed her arms with fragrant leaves, Adam found himself emulating her movements. Eve's hands dropped out of sight. Adam strained to see what she was doing but no matter how hard he looked he could see only the churning of the water in front of her. When Eve slipped under the surface of the pool, covering herself with wetness, Adam, with a surprised moan, covered himself as well. He looked down, startled, then went in search of another pool to see what it was like in the water.

The animals had gathered around, watching this display with great interest; an interest that turned to disbelief when Adam remained standing upright under cover as Eve plunged beneath the waters. Disbelief became disgust as Adam walked away leaving the luscious Eve alone.

"Wanker," muttered the tiger.

"WTFOMG ADM IS A FUCHING IDIOT!!!11!1one!!," yelled the chimpanzee.

"I <i>supppose</i> it's possible he doesn't know what that was all about...?" proposed the lioness, tentatively.

"I can fix that," stated the snake, as he slithered away.

.
.
.

Meanwhile, perched up in the trees overlooking this scene, the harpy!MsA was taking detailed notes, talking outloud to herself. "Gay. He's so clearly Teh Gay!"
</lj-cut>

Sagralisse gives Words of Wisdom (tm)

2004-05-24T12:58:24Z

Okay, I haven't said anything rude to you, so I'd like you to read what I'm saying with an open mind. And before you blow me off as not being a mod, look at the user page for the community.

So what I'd like you to think about is to imagine what it would be like if this community encouraged people to harass others in their own spaces. If you had a group this size engaging in that kind of thing you could easily bring down small forums and drive people completely off of LJ. Imagine if we encouraged one-upmanship, digging up people's phone numbers and making crank calls, or emailing their employers. Remember, basically anyone can join this community. If we didn't actively discourage people who think that kind of shit is fun, they'd join and start using fandom_wank as a base for it.

We don't want that. I don't want to be associated with that. We have to draw a line somewhere, or fandom_wank would be a lot less benign than it is now. We, the members of the community, choose to draw the line this way. Anyone can join, and they can basically post whatever they like here. But if they harass people at LJ or in their forums, then they're trolling. That's the definition of trolling that we use. If they harass people by email or offline, then they're stalking. If we know that they're trolling or stalking then we, the members of the group, are going to bitch at them. They won't be welcome here. If they want some mob to back them up, then they'll have to look elsewhere.

We can police ourselves, because we like this line that we've drawn. We don't depend on the mods to make those sorts of decisions. Anyone here can speak up if they think someone's trying to draw us into some personal vendetta. The mods aren't going to swoop down and take 50 points from Slytherin when that happens. All that happens is that people are going to call the OP a wanker and then probably they'll move on to some better post.

I'm sorry if someone harassed you and then tried to get fandom_wank to back them up. Apparently it didn't work, right? Your enemy failed and looked bad, which made you the winner. Me? I love it when that happens.

Anyway, #7 [Ed. The No Trolling Practice] isn't bullshit. You may wish that it meant more than it does, or you may wish that there wasn't a fandom_wank at all, but it's not there to please you. It's there because we want it to be there.