Fandom Wank: Offline Edition

If you heart Daniel, you are too young for college.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 04:58:18 GMT

Here I present you with the ur-wank: bathroom graffiti. Which is a fairly silly thing to report, but since Daniel Radcliffe's name comes up, I couldn't resist.

I've actually been watching this tiny wank unfold for some time, sadly enough, in the bathroom of a junior college in Califoria. (For those outside the U.S., a junior college is a post-secondary institution where people from the community can take classes. They are often just out of high school and may or may not have plans to proceed to a four-year college.)

It started with Handwriting #1, on the side wall:

daniel radcliffe is my future husband

Handwriting #2 replied

sorry babe, we're already married *flashes ring*

To which Handwriting #3 commented

UGLY

(I'm not sure who is supposed to be ugly here... Daniel, the ring, the wankers?)

On the door, Handwriting #1 once again opined

I ♥ Daniel

to which yet another person (Handwriting #4) said:

Wow what grade are you in, 9th?

And then Handwriting #5 comes in with a big purple pen, and calls Handwriting #4

BITCH

To which someone, possibly #4, responds.

Obviously not in college. I see.

(Possibly they thought #5 was #1, the original poster who loves Daniel, but the handwriting doesn't look the same to me. Perhaps it's her bathroom sockpuppet?)

#5 also went over to the side wall to say

Making fun of ppl is even less mature... what grade are YOU In?

I was especially amused by the use of netspeak on bathroom walls.

ETA: While I've heard of high school students taking classes at junior colleges, I'm fairly certain none of these people are actually underage.

I actually went back into the stall today to write all this down... heaven knows what the other people in the bathroom thought of me.

Japanese schoolgirls wank like ninjas: STEALTHILY.

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 03:55:15 GMT

I am an Assistant Language Teacher (of English) at a highly academic all girls' high school in northeastern Japan.

In addition to teaching classes and running English club and ~~tormenting~~ talking to students during free moments, I maintain an English Corner bulletin board, that I'm allowed to decorate however the heck I want. It's great, because people who are too shy or not confident enough in their English abilities to actually speak to me can read the board instead. Not just students, either; other teachers and even visiting repairmen and delivery people read it. It's pretty awesome.

Anyway, right now it's still my self-introduction, since I only showed up about a month and a half ago. But now October is approaching, and I'm starting to take down September's stuff to make room for next month's theme. Now, in one corner of the English corner, I left up a bit of space for students to write on. Above it, it says, "What should Caito do in Japan? Write your ideas in English!" Last I had checked, it was a lot of, "Let's play dancing with me! Let's play sumo with me! Let's play singing together! Marry Sugitchi!" but over the past week it appears to have devolved into something else entirely.

In the middle of the space, someone wrote I LIKE KAT-TUN (KAT-TUN being a popular boy band).
Beneath that is I DON'T LIKE KAT-TUN.
That is crossed out and replaced with I HATE!!!! KAT-TUN.
That, too, is crossed out, and someone had written "Kazuya ♥ ♥ ♥" in huge writing. (Kazuya is the 'leader' of KAT-TUN.)
Then it looks like someone wrote over the whole thing (faintly, in pencil, so I had a hard time figuring this out at first): "good luck he is a homo." Cue the lulz from me.

But wait, there's more!

Above all this KAT-TUN stuff, someone wrote "Let's singing Arashi together!" (Arashi is another Japanese boy band, and it says on the board that they're my favorite singing group.) This predates the KAT-TUN wank. Next to this, someone drew a (very cute!) cartoon version of me dancing to little music notes. (That was new this week.) Then someone took it upon themselves to list the members of Arashi and draw little hearts next to them, like this:

Ohno ♥
Sakurai ♥
Aiba ♥
Ninomiya ♥
Matsumoto ♥

Then, of course, someone went and added about a MILLION more hearts next to Matsumoto's name. Someone likes him a bit TOO much. (He's the most popular member). Someone wrote HOLLYWOOD STAR next to Ninomiya's name, as well (he starred in Letters from Iwo Jima). Then someone wrote "MY FAVORITE" next to Sakurai, but someone else crossed it out and wrote, "He speaks English, he is for Caito-san!" Yes, thank you. As crazy as these girls are, they've put at least one idol on reserve for me.

And amidst all this, someone wrote, very small in the corner: "K∞ is winner!" (K∞ being Kanjani∞ and yet another boy band.) And then, diagonally across the other corner, someone just wrote "I LOVE YAMAPI SEXY SEXY MAN". And someone wrote "Tsuyoshi is not ojiisan" with an angry face, but I suspect I know exactly who that was. (I teased one of the firsties for liking KinKi Kids, because Tsuyoshi looks like an old man to me.)

...

Seriously. Maybe for one lesson I'll introduce them to English language message boards for international fans of Jpop and see what happens.

ETA: This isn't the only stuff they've written. They've also written things like "milky kitty" and "clover clover she lover" as well as drawn a cartoon of me saying "YO--I HAJIME!" which apparently means something to the effect of, "Get ready, let's start!" Someone wrote that I should "be a teacher," and someone else just wrote my full name in HUGE HONKING LETTERS OVER EVERYTHING.

I had too much faith in humanity...

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 22:04:02 GMT

If this were online anywhere, I would link it. Sadly, or perhaps not, it isn't, which is why this is here. I present to you drama at its finest.

My boyfriend is a CNC (C&C? *darthrows*) Lathe operator at a machine shop here in Hamilton. Recently, something has rocked his workplace, which he has dubbed Coffee Drama.

There is a representative for the workers who is employed there, the idea being that he is an intermediary between the workers and the management. One of his jobs was to provide the coffee in the dining area -- my boyfriend and one other person don't drink coffee, but apparently the rest of the workers are heavy coffee drinkers -- and he also was in charge of the cream for the coffee. This was a relatively simple arrangement: the workers provide a dollar a week to donate to it.

Recently, however, this representative was taken off the job of providing coffee, something about them being unhappy with him. However, he is still in charge of the cream. Because he was taken off coffee, he basically refuses to continue being in charge of the cream, so they must drink their coffee black. We're in day three of Coffee Drama, and so far, no resolution is in sight. And my boyfriend thinks his job is boring.

More wank than you can shake a shillelagh at.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 17:48:59 GMT

This wank has llamas, Jedi, whiskey, and strippers.

Denver's got the second-biggest St. Patrick's Day parade in the entire United States. Part of the reason for this is because we have a huge, dedicated Irish and Irish-American community. The other part is that they'll let just about anyone be in the parade. There was a German lederhosen float not even pretending to be tangentially related to Irish heritage. There was a group of marching betoga'd Hare Krishnas. A drill team from Kaiser using crutches. Though we may have had, in equal parts, a float full of strippers and the 501st Stormtrooper Division (with Jedi escorts!), one thing we did not have this year was the First Marine Division. (Wank 1.)

Why, might you ask? Well, because with 3,000 participants, the parade organizers this year got tough with the Honorary division. Last year, we had many, many more lined up to march, but by the time Division 2 came up, most of the Irish bands in it had to take off for their other shows, having only planned to be in the staging area for five hours. As a result, many of these bands and the other professional performers opted not to be in the parade this year (Wank 2) and just focus on their gigs. Complicating matters, a parade in Colorado Springs contacted some of the core St. Pat's Parade elements and offered to pay entrants. (Wank 3) This led to cries of "OMG not fair!!!", but it did make the parade organizers say to themselves, "Maybe we should not force people to make considerable financial sacrifice just to march in the parade, and start putting all the nonperformers in late Div. 1 and Div. 2." And the guy running it is pretty darned amazing - he has a way of determining which problems take priority, and many an event would have collapsed into a fiery pile of ash had he not stepped in.

So. In light of how wanky it got last year, it makes sense that the Honorary Division would be limited to city and state officials, the parade's major sponsors, the police, Queen Colleen, and their respective escorts. The Marines looked at the fact that the City of Denver Pipe Band was in H, and threw a fit. They wanted to be in the H division, not Division 1. And they wanted to be ahead of the Irish bands, step dancers, and James Joyce Reading society. Llamas, for Chrissake. They were behind llamas. So they quit, even after being moved in front of the llamas, because placing someone behind llamas is an unforgiveable slight. The parade pointed out that the Marine color guard and air squadron was in H-03 up front - but apparently this was, as they told the news, "a slap in the face." (Actually, even with the llamas, they were moved up a few spots from last year.) Meanwhile, the Iwo Jima Marine vets had fun marching in Division 2 with the Marine Corps League and the Young Marines, behind the Vail Precision Lawn Chair Team. (I know, lawn chairs bzuh? But those guys rock so hard they've performed in Presidential Inauguration Parades.) It's not like staging is boring - even in uniform, there's a lot of not-so-clandestine flask-passing, and the regulations asking us to please not slam shots on the parade route is there for a reason.

If you're wondering why the llamas, it's because our theme was "Irish Roots and Cowboy Boots," which caused much grousing because that was also the theme for last year's Irish Festival in July. (Wank 4) We are still a bit of a cowtown.

News at ten. (Central time zone, you know.)

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 06:14:36 GMT

Quite possibly the best wire story ever.

And for those too lazy to click that link:

Aug 9, 2006 8:53 am US/Central
MPCA Fines Winona Company $100K

(AP) Winona, Minn.

When the Minnesota Pollution Control Agency ordered Winona Excavating to stop demolition work after it handled asbestos removal improperly, the excavator began working under a new name: MPCAFU Inc.

It took more than two years before the MPCA discovered the deception and the derogatory name in late 2004 and began a 16-month investigation that led to a $100,000 fine, said Katie Koelfgen, an MPCA compliance coordinator who worked on the case.

The case goes back to January 2001, when Winona Excavating improperly handled asbestos and mercury-containing devices while demolishing the Hot Fish Shop in Winona. The Goodview-based company was fined $6,000 by the MPCA and ordered never again to do demolition work. In April 2002, the company agreed to the orders in district court.

But the MPCA says the company began filing for demolition permits just three days later under the name MPCAFU Inc. The state agency says the company continued to take on demolition jobs and received 33 demolition permits from the MPCA under the bogus name between 2002 and 2005.

It wasn't until November 2004, when an MPCA employee read a story in the Winona Daily News about Winona Excavating demolishing the Alf building in preparation for the Winona City Hall renovation, that the ruse was spotted and the MPCA began investigating, Koelfgen said.

When Winona Excavating learned the MPCA was investigating the company in late 2005, it began filing for demolition permits under the name Michael's Demolition and Recycling Inc., Koelfgen said.

According to the agency, MPCAFU Inc. was comprised solely of Winona Excavating employees and equipment. Invoices and bids done under both false names were printed on Winona Excavating letterhead, Koelfgen said.

MPCA representatives met with co-owners by David Griffin and Michael Andring in March 2006 and said they admitted to creating the fake subcontractor. The agency filed a legal complaint, which was finalized in July.

The fine was handed down in early August and made public Tuesday.

Griffin's wife said he had no comment. Andring did not return phone calls to his home seeking comment.

Koelfgen said Winona Excavating will end up paying $60,000 of the fine, after agreeing in July to help the MPCA dispose of contaminated soil at a residential property in Inver Grove Heights.

The company, a major public works contractor in southeastern Minnesota, has agreed to cease all demolition work for one year while it trains its employees in handling and removing asbestos, she said. It will then be able to resume demolition projects.

Oh, man. Corporate sock puppets? Life is good. (Yes, technically they're shell companies, but shhh. I'm having a Moment.)

Wank in an elevator

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 17:51:23 GMT

Been meaning to write this up for months now. It's not awfully wanky, I suppose, but the location was too funny.

I live in an eight story apartment building. Last fall there was a huge shower/toilet/plumming renovation in every single one of the apartments. It took roughly six months, two of those you just couldn't live there, unless you're a real trooper and can handle no shower and twenty minute bathroom trips (I moved back in with my parents). It ended in February and all was well...

Except that the renovation project just moved to the next stair, and the infernal drilling sounds carried over like whoa. Someone couldn't handle it and what do they do? They tape up a small note in the elevator:

The drillings here seem to start really early. Some people might work nights and would want to catch up on their sleep. Would it be possible to start the work later, maybe in the afternoon? Why even all the work, I thought the renovation was supposed to be done already?

I rolled my eyes at it and went on about my business. Next morning, though, someone had added their own little note:

Yes, that's a great idea. Instead of disturbing the one or two morning sleepers, let's disrupt the lives of everyone by doing the work in the evening.

By evening, two other short notes had appeared agreeing with the above. A day later, this one is up:

I agree that it's better the work be done in the morning, but is all this sarcasm really necessary? This person was obviously just trying to be helpful. We should be working on a solution that's the best possible for everyone.

Someone else doesn't have anything to add to the issue, but instead decides to put up a short story about how he caught a thief trying to break in his car at the parking garage. He went on to describe how he was about to kick his ass, when the thief pulled a knife on him and fled the scene. Why is he telling this? So that people would pay more attention who they let in the building. (If you hang around the gate, you can just walk into the garage when someone's leaving with a car. No one's going to think twice about it.)

I expected this to start a side wank, but everyone just ignored it and concentrated on the original. Two more notes showed up telling people to just suck it up, and then finally an outsider puts up this:

I don't even live in the building, but visit here almost daily. I've been following this with growing amusement. Why are you writing this on the elevator wall? It might be slightly more useful to let the contractors know about your problems. They have a mailbox just outside, you know.

The person who started it all replies:

Thank you to all those who took this seriously and responded kindly. To the person who doesn't even live here, mind your own business.

A couple of more notes appear, with messages like: This is ridiculous and God, you all suck And vulgarities are added to the margins of already existing sheets.

I snapped a few pics with my phone and went away for the weekend. By Monday it had all disappeared. The whole thing took about a week, and every morning I was boggling at the growing pile of text in my elevator.

Disclaimer: Translated from Finnish. Also, some of the text was too inaccurate and I had to work from memory.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 19:46:11 GMT

So, some scientists did a study on whether prayer helped sick people get better. They concluded that it did not, and noted a slightly higher incidence of complications among people who thought they were being prayed for than those who did not.

The wank occurs, as is often the case offline, in the opinion page of the local paper, as many people write in to tell how horribly offended they are that scientists did a scientific study and didn't find any correlation between being prayed for and getting well. The best part is when they try to prove that prayers really are effective with highly circumstantial evidence, such as this gem:

...We have a Prayer Shawl Ministry at our church. A group of ladies have made over 900 shawls in 2 and 1/2 years. Prayers are said during the making of these shawls and prayers are said at the altar by our priest at our healing services.
We have a scrapbook full of thank you notes from parents of children and others informing us of their faith in the prayers contained in the shawls...

(bolding mine)

You will die alone!

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 21:25:50 GMT

So this guy, whomever, in my art lecture class sends me (and probably everyone else he can find) this e-mail, outlining how we, as a class, can study for the exam. Basically, the professor is laid back and the class is boring, so all we have to do is find answers for the hundred or so questions that he lists off in class. Not a big deal, right?

So this guy (with the name "John Doe" and the e-mail "art126final" at wherever) suggests over the e-mail to write up the questions and each of us answer one and send that answer to the others. Not a bad idea, but it was also a deeply stupid idea, so I deleted the two e-mails he sent (why two, I don't know) and up pops a third:

I would like to personally thank the jackass that forwarded the email to the teacher. I bet its an ugly girl with glasses that sits in the front row and sits home every Friday and Saturday night doing homework. Regardless, the professor wrote me and actually applauded the idea. He also said he will be posting the review on blackboard on Tuesday, so everyone that has emailed me to join the list and everyone that emails me before Tuesday will get their question mailed to them Tuesday night. So once again, thanks to the asshat that forwarded the email to the teacher, and just so you know thats why you won't ever have any friends...

Your friend and lover,

Johnny

Not fandom, but still funny. And I'm a girl with glasses who sits in the front row! Woe.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 23:18:11 GMT

Nine former fans of AMERICAN IDOL star CLAY AIKEN are forging ahead with threats to sue his record label bosses for false advertising.

The one-time devotees have been shocked by recent US tabloid claims the wholesome pop singer is gay and they've filed a Federal Trade Commission complain against executives at RCA and Sony/BMG, alleging they were duped in marketing and promotional campaigns....

The angry ladies go on to state, "This is tantamount to a manufacturer concealing information about a defective product. Therefore these actions were both unfair and deceptive to consumers."

Defective product? *twitch*

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 16:09:08 GMT

I am an open bisexual who has a rainbow pin on her bag. Today, someone came up to me and said, “Are you gay?” I answered, No, but I am bisexual.” I was told that I can’t wear the rainbow pin because I’m not a full out gay.
...

BZUH!? The mind, it boggles. I asked if they were gay. They said yes.

Oh my god.

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 01:50:02 GMT

I saw this on a bathroom stall at a college. I'm not kidding.

Someone scrawls on the door, "Day 5: The desecration of the virgin walls begins." Okay, amusing.

Someone else replies with, "Eek!" and another person bitches at the first person for using the word "virgin", blah blah sexism blah blah you're implying that virgins are just a blank slate to be written upon after they are violated.

Yeah.

Ketchup wank! ...okay, that sounded kind of gross

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 14:47:15 GMT

Seen on CNN.com this morning.

From an email exchange in a British law firm:

Lawyer: "Dude, you got ketchup on my pants. That'll be 4 quid for dry cleaning expenses, plzkthx."

Secretary: "ZOMGWTF you selfish bastard fuck you and your pants!!!!111!!zed!"

Everyone else: "Tee hee hee. *forwards*"

Good times, good times.

Post of DOOM

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 09:34:54 GMT

Long story, here. Will contain NSFW links - not that half the stuff posted is work safe, but you know.

Somewhere in the middle of the semester, a supplement to our school paper (The State Press) published an article on erotic nipple piercing. The picture you can see at the top of the web version was placed on the cover of the State Press Magazine, which is a supplement to the paper that's published on Thursdays. Now, Arizona State is a college campus, and 99% of its students are of legal age. Not only that, but the papers were folded in such a way that you'd have to pick one up to actually see this cover.

The administration isn't too happy with said article, according to an unrelated newspaper. There's a whole article there about how wanky our adiminstration is, and the article is pretty wanky in and of itself, but the basic point is that our biggest donor called up the school president and bitched about the article above, at which point, the president had a crony threaten to kick the State Press off campus. Also, President Crow is evidently catering towards Mormons more than is...well...strictly necessary. And he wants to make us the "BYU of the south" (I'll now pause here so most of the campus can stop choking on its own laughter.)

The wank continued after the article broke in the New Times in the opinions section of the State Press. Most people seem to support the article and the State Press, but there are a few that think the article and picture were inappropriate. See here, and here, where the wank has officially been dubbed 'Nipplegate', and here. The wank might have continued, but the students were then distracted by Thanksgiving and religion wank. Because what is a college paper's letters to the editor section good for if not a breeding ground for wankers?

Meanwhile, the New Times article is sprouting other wanks, related to other things President Crow has done that are not Nipplegate. For example, this editorial on the play mentioned in the NT article.

Most of the hubbub seems to have died down. However, at the end of the semester, the State Press publishes a spoof paper titled "The Stale Mess". The paper, having a delightful amount of snark, takes it upon itself to make fun of Nipplegate.

A little background for the last: on campus, we have a piece of oddly placed architecture that rises above our underground library and resembles, oddly enough, a nipple. (No, really, we swear it does. Squint.) This has long been dubbed the "nipple of knowledge".

Unfortunately, the spoof article appears not to be online for whatever reason, but here are some the choice excerpts. "ASU President Michael Crow unveiled a new piercing for the famed 'Nipple of Knowledge' Monday in an effort to arouse interest in Hayden Library. ... The enormous steel structure was added to the 'nipple' as part of ASU's 'Knowledge is Sexy' campaign."

It goes on like that for awhile - it's all very amusing, and it comes complete with a photoshopped image of the nipple. If anyone wants I can type the whole article up.

Ray Bradbury says, "OMGDUNSTEAL!!!1!"

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 16:30:25 GMT

Apparently, Ray Bradbury has given an interview indicating that he is cheesed off at Michael Moore.

"Bradbury added, "[Moore] is a horrible human being. Horrible human!" When asked if he agreed with Moore's political positions, Bradbury replied, "That has nothing to do with it. He copied my title; that is what happened. That has nothing to do with my political opinions." According to the Swedish daily, Bradbury said he had tried to discuss the issue with Moore several months ago, but that the director avoided him, the site reported.

According to the report, Bradbury refused to say if he would take legal action against Moore."

Now, this is a Swedish to English translation of an interview that may well have already been translated once before (I don't know if Bradbury speaks Swedish.) But, even if his actual words are more moderate, Ray Bradbury is certainly old enough to know that you can't copyright a title and that Moore's use of a similar title is solidly in the fair-use zone. So I call this as another example of the fact that old, respected sf writers should be encouraged to shut up when they start going senile.

Edited to Add: Here is the Swedish if anyone can read it, since WorldNetDaily isn't always - how shall we say - the most scrupulous with their fact-checking, and I'd hate to fall for a devil-down-the-oil-well story.

Boston Metro Letters Wank!

Fri, 04 Jun 2004 21:59:02 GMT

Long-time F_Wer, first time fw_offline-er. Please ~~bend me over a chair~~ be gentle.

Not a massive wank, but a mildly amusing one.

For those of you who don't live in Boston, the Boston Metro is a free paper that gets distributed at various T stations on weekdays. It's got mostly AP articles, a comic strip, a relatively easy crossword puzzle, some columns courtesy of local freelance writers, and a shitload of ads at the back (which is how they make their money).

It also has letters to the editor. And oh mah sweet baby Jesus are they wanky.

Typical scenario:

1. Columnist A or AP reporter A prime writes about gay marriage/Iraqi prisoner torture/Bill Cosby calling black teenagers lazy.

2. Letter-writers B (yes, they are all one entity) write in expressing largely the same opinion: torture is teh evol, gay marriage is teh kewliez, Cosby's got a point but the matter's more complex than that, etc.

3. Letter-writer C, of which there is usually only one per day, chimes in with a dissenting, usually somewhat crackpotted, opinion: it wasn't really torture, gays didn't get enough love as kids, Cosby shouldn't playa-hate, etc.

4. Letter-writers B rip C a new one en masse.

4a. Sometimes C responds to B's criticisms, which just makes everything more fun.

5. Wank ensues. Oceans worth of splooge. Enough to keep me reading and ~~giggling like a loon~~ being shocked and outraged long after I've finished the crossword puzzle and seen what the street merchants are up to in Mason Darrow.

It's highly entertaining. If you live in the area, I heartily recommend checking it out.

Real life HP offline fandom wank, my life sucks

Tue, 11 May 2004 07:20:03 GMT

*looks around*

Um, Hi. This is my first post and I just joined, so be gentle.

This HP real life wank happened a week or so ago, Aurora was amused by it, so screw it, I'll post it:

I'll just copy and paste from my LJ entry:

April 26, 2004

Real life f'n HP Fandom Wank(A day at Barnes and Noble)

Tonight was one of the most embarrassing/funniest moments of my HP life.(which is why I made it public, so my other FA people could see the entry).

Long story short, a local news station is doing a "Summer 2004" movie segment on t.v this week. Spiderman, Troy, and of course, Harry Potter.

So Barnes and Noble bookstore decides to get some press and have a little "HP reading" and talk with kids 9-14, on how much they LUV Harry Potter, how they can't wait to see the PoA movie, etc. You get the deal.

They moved the date of this little shin-dig to today. I have a friend who works there, so of course, you know I went.

About 50 kids had to be picked to come in the store, they turned away at least 100 kids(and pissed off parents).

Lot of HP talk, but here is the interesting thing with the kids(35 girls, 15 boys). Involving shipping.

*insert teen talk here*

1. The new "in" HP ship, is Harry/Luna. Luna is like "so cool" and she represents every "screwed up kid trying to fit in with the world." and "Luna is like, the new Lizzie McGuire!"

2. Tom/Daniel/ and Rupert are like OMG! SO HOT!(repeat this 1,000 times).

3. All the boys want to snog Emma Watson.

4. The H/L people were former H/Hr or H/G fans, but now it's all about H/L. R/Hr was still "really cool" with a lot of the kids. But Neville/Ginny or Neville/Hermione was like "way cool" as well. (Basically, the Fantastic Six all hooking up in some way.)

5. J.K. is like "so not cool" for killing Sirius, why didn't she kill Hagrid? Or like, omg, why not that BITCH Umbridge?(A 13 year old said this and was quickly shushed by her mom, ha!).

6. What the hell is going on with Snape? Alan Rickman is like "so cool!" Lily and James are ok, but get on with the story J.K.! *flip hair here*

7. The new guy playing Lupin is SO not Lupin.

8. Sirius is like SO HOT! He's like, such a rebel! *roll eyes here*

*end of teen talk*

So after the segment was recorded and it was a wrap, parents of the kids started to talk and shake hands(cookies and punch was served, so the kids were like all talking and "OMG! Give me your cell phone number!" 9-14 year olds having cell phones? WTF?)

So my new friend Jimmy(previous entry on Galadriel) comes with me. He's read the HP books as well.

Well a H/Hr Dad(he doesn't know he ships it, but I'll call him that anyway). Is telling Jimmy about how he thinks Ron is going to die, and Harry/Hermione are going to get together in the end.

A small *snort* from Jimmy.

Jimmy goes on to explain to the man that it's OBVIOUS that J.K. has Harry on a Christ-like path. So since Harry is "Jesus", he's going to die in the end to atone for the poor souls of the Wizard(and muggle) world.

The H/Hr dad tells Jimmy that's the dumbest thing he's ever heard.

Cue the Wank!

Jimmy tells the man that he must not be a Christian if he doesn't see the parallel in both stories. The man is offended and tells Jimmy that Harry is the hero of the story, and J.K. wouldn't do that to little kids.

Jimmy laughs and says "Harry is no hero. He was unwillingly picked(or scared if you will) for the path that he's on. So if you want to say that he's a hero because of a burden, go ahead, but if he didn't have that scar, he wouldn't give a shit about Voldemort."

*Me(in my head): Oh shit!*

Another parent hears the "debate" and comes over to argue that some of the other nonimportant characters are going to die, not darling!Harry.

Another mom joins in and says that the H/Hr woman is wrong, Harry is going to fail in the end, because he's already rejected himself and his destiny(She's talking about the Dumbledore/Harry chapter at the end).

Just as I see a Barnes and Noble worker coming towards us, I FINALLY open my mouth to calm everyone down. The H/hr Dad looks at me and says "SO WHAT'S YOUR BEEF?!?!

I told the man that my only beef was his ugly comb over. *hangs head*.

I couldn't help it, I was trying to be NICE for goodness sake. Don't get rude with ME when your hair looks like Donald Trump. *hmph*

He gives me a "fuck you" look and all the parents begin talking at once, slowly going to a high pitched frenzy that only freaking dogs could hear.

Ron and his common family add NOTHING to the story, Hermione is a bitch and she doesn't even have her period yet(I couldn't believe a MOM said that!), J.K. better not let anymore people die in the books (THAT'S tellin her! *snap snap snap*).

All kinds of shit being said, it was crazy you guys! *shakes my head*

I walk over to the punch table while my friend Jimmy and his new "Harry is a fuck up!" Posse was against the H/Hr's and "We love Harry so don't say anything bad about him you bastards!" Brigade.

I look at the kids(who are all mortified) and one girl turns back to some other girls and says "Um, so back to Tom Felton...."

I laughed until I had tears in my eyes.

All of this happened in a span of 5 minutes.

Finally, the Barnes and Noble people ended "The Great Debate", we were all shooed out, and the local news station promised the store to not show the "interesting footage".

My life. I can't even MAKE this shit up.

Veela
still in shock!

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 03:09:42 GMT

And in the category of the sun revolves around the earth…

I wasted the past weekend at Revelcon. As with most cons, I’m sure there were great gobs of wank allover the place. And I’m sure I would have heard more of it had I been the least bit more sociable. Instead, I mostly read while (occasionally) helping at Mysti’s table. Still, I have a lovely piece of wank to report….

It was at a panel on LiveJournal. The topic was fanfic posted to LJ. A person piped up that she thought posting fanfic to LJ was an abuse of LJ and not the purpose of it. Okay. Even though the panel was making the point that an online journal could be anything you wanted. The person made some confused statement about how she wouldn’t read fanfic in LJ because she didn’t like that you couldn’t leave comments on LJ fanfic. Uh? Then, here’s the best:

Person: I won’t read fanfic on LJ. You’re depriving me of fanfic by posting to LJ.
Me: Uh, actually, you’re depriving yourself.
Person (bombastically): Well, I DON’T agree.
Okay.

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 05:53:46 GMT

The boys and I got our geek on tonight at Game Storm 6. We spent most of the time playing Apples to Apples, and we'll probably go back before the weekend's over. The dork in the air was beautifully overwhelming.

My only quibble is the message in the front of the con guide, from the chair of events. Let me quote: To wax pastoral for a moment; Men desire "An Adventure to Live", "A Battle to Fight", and "A Beauty to Rescue". And women desire "An Adventure to Share", "To be fought for", and "To Be a Beauty to Unveil".

I'll pause while you all retch before continuing.

Yes, that's right, kiddies: You boys better be all fighting and taking charge, and don't you forget to rescue you a girl or two. And ladies, don't you dare pick up a sword or try to find your own way out of your dilemma. You just sit there and wait for a big strong man to come and help you. And don't even THINK about trying to rescue someone else, or your uterus will jump right out of your body and run screaming for the hills. Let's not even go into wanting to rescue or be rescued by someone of the same sex, because that just never happens, right?

>.< Gaming - the last bastion of geek chauvinism. And the beautiful irony is that one of the panels at the con was to address the question of why more girls don't game.

Some people take hometown pride a LEETLE too seriously.

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 19:42:48 GMT

From the letters page of Mystique #10:

"I just read the new Mystique comic where Shortpack disses Pittsburgh. I was trying to see the comedy in the comment, and then I realized it was merely a case of extremely poor judgement on the part of the writer. Apparently someone has forgotten that people from Pittsburgh know how to read, and that some of those people occasionally buy comics. I'd be interested to know how many irate folks write in about this ill-conceived blunder. This is not a good way to gain faithful readers for a new series. I, for one, will not purchase another copy of this rag until Shortpack's lifeless corpse graces the cover."

Right. Because clearly no writer is ever allowed to make fun of any city anywhere, ever. ~~Even fucking Pittsburgh.~~ Obviously the only form of redress for such an egregious offense is the death of a fictional character. Nothing less will suffice! Shortpack must be punished!

Woo and hoo.

Star Wars... The Mother of Wank.

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 06:02:33 GMT

Unfortnately, this is a secondhand story. My friend, K, a very large Star Wars fan, was at her job -- she's a manager at a fast food place -- and she met a customer. Said customer was also a Star Wars fan and, it being slow, she started talking to him. She mentioned that she had collected all of the Star Wars Episode 1 soda cans, including the (rare) Golden Yoda one. He seemed interested, and asked her to trade it to him for a alternate cover for the original Return of the Jedi. She declined, explaining that she already had RotJ and didn't need another one. He then got huffy and said something to the effect that K wasn't a real Star Wars fan if she didn't want this piece of merchandise. Lats time I checked, you couldn't kick someone out of the fandom if they didn't spend all of their disposable income on ~~fandom crap~~ merchandise.

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 18:38:54 GMT

Full-time lurker, first-time poster. Hope this is the right place for this, but it's made me angry.

I was at a doctor's office today. It's a combined thing, they have therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists there. So generally people you go to for help and advice and things ot help ease your life, right?

I finished the bureaucratic side of the things pretty early, and had half an hour's wait before my appointment with the psychologist, so I sat down in the waiting room and had a read of whatever they had there. This 'whatever' turned out to be a decent selection of newspapers and a book. I was curious why a book was lying in the waiting room, so I picked it up.

It was, quite amusingly in a cute way, at first glance, a guide for children and teenagers on growing up - how your mind and body changes, and all that stuff. I looked through it and found the obligatory cartoon representation of the human genitalia and the reproductive organs, the section on pimples and acne, the thing about love and friendship, and so on, and so forth. Nice, though heavily patronising to the supposed audience of teens. Then I came to the last two pages. There was a Q&A section. You know, "can I get AIDS by knowing somebody who is infected?", "can you get pregnant when doing it the first time?", etc. But there was also this:

The question "is it okay to masturbate?" was answered by, "it's quite natural to want to feel physical pleasure, but people who masturbate often either get addicted to it or have those fantasies stuck in their heads, and that's not right. The only true pleasure you can get is from being with a real, loving partner."

Oooooooookay, thought I, and went on to the next question.

"Is it okay to look at porn?" was answered thusly: "Porn is not an expression of true desire, it's just a commercial representation of physical love. It's not right to look at those pictures - plus, consider that almost all porn photos were made of women and children who were forced and coerced; by looking at it you exploit them".

And finally:

"What if I think that I'm homosexual?" got the following response: "During puberty, as your body and mind change, you will feel many different, confusing and strange things. You might even wonder if you are bi- or homosexual. Science has no answer why some people are attracted to members of their own gender. Remember: The Bible says that homosexuality is wrong, and so is any form of sex outside lawful marriage. So if you think you might be homosexual the best thing is to abstain from early and thoughtless sexual activity and seek the counsel of a teacher or minister."

Right. I turned the book over, and in the same series there were adverts on the cover for "Exploring the Bible for young readers" and "What Living In Christ Means for you" [1].

Now, I've absolutely nothing whatsoever against Christianity or any other religion. But throwing this stuff at teens and children, that's just wrong. What kind of people will they grow into if they learn to be ashamed of masturbation and of attraction to people of the same sex? I just hope that any child or teen who gets this book from a well-meaning adult [2] is smart enough to put it far back on the shelf and ignore it.

[1] translations are my own, sorry if that sounds ridiculous in English

[2] What kind of adult would give their child such crap? On the other hand, I've met people who would. Gah, doesn't bear thinking about.

wank at work

Fri, 19 Dec 2003 22:08:49 GMT

Long time lurker, first time poster, blah, blah,blah with a dozy of a wank to share.
Today at the bookstore I work at I met the single most wanky person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in real life. The amount of spooge she was producing could have sunk a small island.
The lady came in with a small child, about 9-10 in tow, asking me for any "Real" books.
(this isn't too bad, as most people have low opinions of airport bookstores) She says she wants something "intelligent and deep" then asks me, "Do you have any new Anne Rice?" At this point my wank sense gives a little squeak, but I ignore it and show her the book, since she didn't ask for my opinion and it's her own brain she's killing.
She then asks for a book for her son, who's read all the Harry Potters. I show her Neil Gaiman's new book and she and I chat a bit about the coolness of Gaiman. Have completely ignored wank sense now. Then, she tells me that she's a college professor and says if she had her way she would teach nothing but Anne Rice who is teh bestest author evah!11! "Don't you think so?" she asks.
Crap.
Knowing that if I tell her I'm patiently waiting for Dear Anne's palms to get too hairy for her to write anymore she'll pitch a fit, but not wanting to lie out right.
I tell her I don't care for her very much because I know too much about her, and when pressed cite the "I don't do drafts because my work is perfect" wank as an example.
She tells me that I probably don't know enough about her and that Anne Rice writes for "A very select group. I do the same thing, when I write. If anyone who's not in the group I write for reads it, it goes over their heads. That's how I know I'm a real writer, only a few people understand me."
Who's this special group Anne writes for? People who take their tea with cream and Kotex?
Wank sense tingling, I nod slightly and mention another reason I don't like AR is because she's so in love with Lestat that she's made him infallable
"But a real writer has to be in love with their character's. Otherwise they can't write them. It helps if a writer wants to be their characters"
Wank sense screaming like an air raid siren now, I nod again and ask her what she teaches, hoping to god that it's a business course that I won't have to take.
She looks at me and says "Liturature and Composition, I don't teach the airheaded little 17-18 year olds who are in college with mommy and daddy paying for it and their cars. I teach the people who want to learn. The older people, they're the only one who go to college to do more than party."
I can feel the glare my co-worker, who's eighteen and working like crazy to get through collage is giving her. I give her the "Thank you, come again" speech to get her out before Co-worker kills her.
The woman heads for the door, and on her way out mentions that all her students hate her because she makes them work.
Riiiiiight.

Fannish Urban Legend or Incredible Wank?

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 06:02:13 GMT

Ok, I've heard this tale several times, but I haven't heard it from anyone who was actually there, so I've concealed the name of the person and the source.

apparently on Saturday after the
dinner/banquet Jim has a band and he played a concert. Seems (deleted) went up to Peter Wingfield while the concert was going on and told him (with
other people listening) that what he was wearing was not appropriate for the
concert -- meaning he wasn't dressed up enough! It seems other HL
fans were NOT amused, word got around and she did not come back the next day to
the Con. She is posting on various HL lists, she "did not enjoy the atmosphere
of the convention!"

Are there any far-flung fen who actually saw this? Cause if it's true, it's the mother of all assy behavior.

ETA: For some reason, I have a serious lj-cut impairment.

There's no wank like dorm wank.

Thu, 20 Nov 2003 16:25:05 GMT

I'm a senior at a university eastern Ohio. I live in a scholastic emphasis dorm with 'round the clock quiet hours. On move-in day we had to sign a form saying that we were aware of the rule and would follow it. Most of the people in the dorm are pretty good about following it, except for my next-door neighbors and their friends. There have been people who live two floors below us complaining about the noise they make. The homecoming parade went right past our dorm this year--when it woke me up, it took me a minute or two to figure out that it was a different sort of noise than usual. But to my knowledge, no one has said anything to them directly about the noise.

We had a floor meeting the other night. The GRD came up and made a speech at us. "This is a 24-hour quiet dorm!" she said about half a dozen times. "Do you know what that means? Raise your hand if you know what that means. Raise your hand if you signed a paper when you moved in. Yes, we all did. There have been complaints all the time about your noise. People live here to study! You need to be serious! You need to be grown-up! You can't have friends over all the time!" and on like that. Turns out that people have been given judicial referral for the noise. The people who were referred will find out in a couple of days who they are when they get the notice. No prior warning or anything like that. Our RA, who's a pretty good guy, is apparently going to be let go if he doesn't start reporting noise problems instead of handling things on his own.

And the noisy sophomores did not like that.

After the meeting, you could hear people ranting all up and down the hall. "It's not noisy here! Tell me who's being noisy? We're not noisy. Who's been complaining? I'll kick their asses! We're just having fun." and on and on.

On the write-on boards the next morning, lots of wank and whining. "Don't enjoy your life too much! Shhhh! You have to be QUIET!" said one. "How many hours of quiet hours? From two to four (A.M. only)?" suggested another. Some of them were defiant: "Fuck you, we'll make all the noise we want!" The one that I think summed it all up: "Grrrr. (but quietly)"

The whole thing strikes me as hilarious in a train wrecky kind of way. I can sort of see both sides' point, even though they're both being pretty wanky. The noise is really freaking annoying. I honestly don't know why those girls signed up to live here. I felt sorry for them until they started being so whiny. Oh, you have to follow the rules like everyone else. Boo hoo. But on the other hand, fuck. This is a dorm. Dorms are noisy. These kids who make all the noise are nice people. They just get a little wild and (drunk) loud sometimes. It's one of those facts of life. I also think that the housing staff handled the whole thing very ineptly.

Oooold wank...

Fri, 07 Nov 2003 06:04:01 GMT

Was looking through old entries in my LJ, and found this one. Thought I'd share...
Thought I'd tell you all a little interesting story. ^_^ About a guy I knew from high school.
He was really into Star Wars. Now, his level of fandom was not fandom... it was obsession. He was literally obssessed. He would not come to school without wearing a Star Wars shirt, and he always had his technical manuals and alien guides and stuff in his backpack. I remember fighting the urge to fall over laughing when he'd show this stuff off to girls, and you could tell by the look on his face that he thought he was impressing the hell out of them. I mean, I was a goober in high school... but not THAT big a goober.
He wanted to be Han Solo when he grew up. This is in HIGH SCHOOL. He amended it by saying he wanted to PLAY Han Solo in the new movies, but I think that was a bit of a last minute add-on.
But the funniest thing of all was the day I tried to talk to him about the names of fandom. Star Trek fans have Trekkies or Trekkers, said I, but what do Star Wars fans have? He went off on this long rant about how Star Wars fans were of a more sophisticated variety than Star Trek fans, and they didn't need to use some LABEL to define them! They were true fans, said he, and they didn't need something like a moniker to identify them and make them stand out!
I just sort of... stared at him, and he gave me this look like he knew he'd impressed me and made me see the light.
... Any woman that marries him will probably not wash her hair and look like Jabba the Hutt. Of course... maybe that'll be a pro for him. ^^;