For your easy access needs...
At the request of hangingfire, a compilation of Crystal Wank 2.0's filk song collection as of 10/25/06 @ 11:00 a.m.:



Elipses...they are not commas...
They are not periods...full stops...or pauses...
Nor are they semicolons...though doubtful you know how to place one...
Neither are they two dots...but always three...
The triplets of punctuation...elipses...
Breathe in your mind...and not on the page...
Their constant abuse at your pale hands...makes my interest trail...
Off into infinity...like the elipses...

-quettaser channels e.e. cummings, here

----------------

Let's imagine him as a closet Classic Blues musician. He whips out his harmonica when the Slytherin common room is deserted and...

whonk WHOOONK whonk whonk!

"I'll tell ya mah story,

whonk WHOOONK whonk whonk!

'bout my search for glory!

whonk WHOOONK whonk whonk!

And wishin' Potter was gory!

whonk WHOOONK whonk whonk!

And, uh, that's all, really.
whonk WHOOONK whonk whonk!

What a bloody stupid song.

whonk WHOOONK whonk whonk!

Oh, I got them greasy git bluuuuues!

-By singe

-----------------

She's nothing special, in fact she's a bit of a freak
As each day goes by, reality gets mo-ore weak
But she has a hero, he don't wear a cape
but he really loves her- he's Severus Snape
he gives her so much light
All I want is to read her website

So I say
Thank you for the batshit, the comments she's making
Thanks for all the brains they're breaking
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a laugh or point what are we?
So I say thank you for the batshit
For giving it to me

-By a lovely mouse named llassah here

--------------------

Yo wankas, let's kick it
Snape Snape baby
Snape Snape baby

All right stop collaborate and listen
NM's back with her brand new batshittin'
Snapey's gotta hold of them tightly
Flow like a potion daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know
When you aren't looking, the wank grows
To the extreme, I rock comments like a vandal
Light up the page and wax a chump like a candle
Dance, go rush the shrines in their rooms
It's killin' my brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly, so Snape's gotta save me
We need some healing from his loving remedy
Love it or leave it, this splooge'll weight
You better hit bull's eye, the mice don't play
If there's a problem, Sevvie will solve it
Check out the hook while a Weasley revolves it

Snape Snape baby
Severus Snape Snape baby
Severus Snape Snape baby
Severus Snape Snape baby

Now that the report is jumping
With the edits kicked in and the splooge is pumping
Quick to the point to the point no faking
Cooking these fans like pound of bacon
Burning them if they try to rock
I go crazy when I see capslock
And puncutation used in the wrong places
I'm about to put my fist in some faces
Scrollin' and reading all the comments
With my finger on the mouse so I too can vent
The wankers on standby, waving just to say hi
Did I stop? No, I just scrolled by
Kept on pursuing to the next page
I bust a refresh to see more of the trolls' rage
The splooge was dead, yo
So I continued to page nine, and then page ten!
The wankas were hot, wearin' less than bikinis
Rockman Snape drivin' a Lamborghini
Jealous, 'cause I'm out gettin' mine
Marauders with a gauge, and Caito with a nine

Reading for the wankers on the wall
The wankers actin' ill 'cause they're so full of eight balls
Fapping rang out like a curse
I grabbed my nine, knew things were gettin' worse
Fallin' back on my comments real fast
Jumped on the browser, slammed on the 'back'
Comment to thread, these pages are packed
Tryin' to get away before Severus jacks
The mice are on the scene, you know what I mean
They passed me up, confronted all the Snape fiends
If there was a problem, Sevvie will solve it
Check out the hook while a Weasley revolves it.

Snape Snape baby
Severus Snape Snape baby
Severus Snape Snape baby
Severus Snape Snape baby

Take heed, 'cause this wank's gettin' epic
The wankers on the scene and they're gettin' epileptic
NM created all the wank sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
'Cause this splooge is like a chemical spill
So much crazy you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed, it's a hell of a concept
We comment so much you can barely keep up with it
Caito plays on the fade, curse like a wizard, cut like a razor blade
So fast, even Sevvie says damn
If wank went in potions, I could sell it by the gram
Keep your composure when things start to splooge
Magnetized by the comments while I kick my juice
If there was a problem, Sevvie will solve it
Check out the hook while a Weasley revolves it

Snape Snape baby
Oh oh, Severus Snape Snape baby
Severus Snape Snape baby
Severus Snape Snape baby
Snaaaaape
Yo wankas, let's get outta here
Word to your mother
Snape Snape baby, too cold
Snape Snape baby, too cold, too cold
Snape Snape baby, too cold, too cold
Snape Snape baby

-By the wonderful caito here

---------------------------


I remember when, I remember, I remember when Lady Darkness lost her mind

There was something so pleasant about that phase.

Even her emotions had an echo

Thinking of Snape

And when you're out there

Without care,

Yeah, she was out of touch

But it wasn't because she didn't know enough

she'd just read too much

Does that make her crazy?
Does that make her crazy?
Does that make her crazy?
Probably

FW hopes that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's Sepia's only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha! Bless your soul!
You really think Snape's in control...

Well...

I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
To the tenth degree


-By prettyveela here

----------------------



Is this the real life?
Is this just internets?
Caught on the astral plane
An escape from batshits
Open the site
Look up the writers and see
Snape's just a halfblood, he needs no sympathy
Because he's easy come, easy came
Little high, kind of lame
Anyway the wand aims, doesn't really matter to me, to me

Sevvie, got wanked again
I pasted on his head
Shared my coke and now he's dead
Sevvie, life had just begun
But now the wankas all have come to play
Sevvie, ooo
Did they mean to make you cry?
I guess I'll come back to troll tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, because the internet matters

You all, my Snape has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's on fire all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind to be with Snape
Sevvie, ooo (anyway the wand aims)
I don't need to pseuicide
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Draco dear, Draco dear, will you do the fandango
Avada Kedavra curse - couldn't get any worse
Voldemort, Voldemort
Voldemort, Voldemort
Tommy Marvolo - magnifico

But I'm just a single mom, no one but Snape loves me
(She is just a single mom from a poor family)
Spare me from this relentless mockery
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go
Merlin's beard! No - we will not let you go - let her go
Merlin's beard! We will not let you go - let her go
Merlin's beard! We will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go - let me go (never)
Never let you go - let me go
Never let me go - ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Lucius has a house elf put aside for me


for me
for meeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can mock me and spit in my eye
So you think you can taunt me and leave me to die
Oh Sevvie - can't do this to me Sevvie
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Interwebs really matter
Anyone can see
Interwebs really matter - Snapey really matters to me

Anyway the wank goes...

-caito strikes again here

---------------------------

"The Halfblood Prince of Bel-Air"

Now this is the story all about why
Fandom Wank got flipped, the splooge did fly
And I'd like to take a minute, just give me a sec
I'll tell you how I became the halfblood prince the interweb

Somewhere in Britain, born and raised
On the grounds of Hogwarts where I spent most of my days
Chilling out, maxing, relazing real cool
And making up spells outside of the school
When the Marauders all said, "We're terribly bad!"
Started showin' everyone my underpants
They flipped me over once, Dumbledore got scared
And said, "You're moving in with Voldie and his Death Eaters in Bel-Air."

I begged and pleaded and asked him if I could stay
But he packed up my trunk and sent me on my way
He gave me shampoo and he gave me a Portkey
I got me my Dark Mark and said it's better than being dorky

First class, yo, this is bad
Testing potions on Pettigrew's ass
Is this what people in the Death Eaters be livin' like?
Hmm this might be alright

I whistled for the Knight Bus and when it came near
License plate said "BATSHIT" and had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that the driver was spare
But I thought now forget it, yo, home to Bel-Air!

I pulled up to a graveyard about seven or eight
And I yelled out to the driver, "Yo, Mudblood, smell you later!"
Looked at my minions, I was finally there
To settle my throne of Halfblood Prince of Bel-Air

-You just can't stop her - caito, here

------------------------


Wake up Sevey, I think I got something to say to you
It's late at night and I really should find something productive to do
I know I keep you amused but I feel I'm being used
Oh Sevey, I couldn't have tried any more
You led me away from home, just to be in the fictional zone
You stole my brain and that's what really hurts

I’m incredibly devoted to you despite my age
But that don't worry me none - in my eyes you're everything
I laughed at all of your jokes; my love you didn't need to coax
Oh, Sevey, I couldn't have tried any more
You led me away from home, just to be in the fictional zone
You don’t exist and that's a pain I can do without

All I needed was a friend to lend a guiding hand
But you turned into a lover and I discovered
You weren’t real, but I’m worn out
All you did was wreck my bed and in the morning kick me in the head
Oh, Sevey, I couldn't have tried anymore
You led me away from home 'cause I didn't want to be alone
You stole my heart
I couldn't leave you if I tried

I suppose I could collect my kids and take them on back to school
Or write a fic in which you lord over everyone and rule
Or find myself a message board that I just can’t ignore
Oh Sevey, I wish I could see your face
You made a first-class wanka out of me
But I'm as blind as a wanka can be
You stole my heart but I love you anyway

Sevey, I wish I could only see your face
I'll get my sanity back, one of these days

-By a mouse in the house here


---------------------

Never thought I would ever see this
These people are mean
They make fun of me
Don't know what to make of this, they
YOU know who I am
And yet they still all say...
(Even though I have kids even though I have kids)
Everything that I do is devoted to YOU

[Refrain]:
I'm in love with Snape
And I worship HIM
Follow what HE says
Every single whim
I become so lost
Snape what should I do?
If YOU are not here
I'm not lost with YOU

Can't they see that YOU're so very real
Not only for me
Not only for me
But YOU are mine, and YOU always will be
Eternally I'm yours
(Even though I have kids even though I have kids)

And I know
You will come for me in my dreams
And I know
You will take me away
And all the stars will gleam

[Refrain]

-Wangst brought by Hell Mouse here

---------------------------


A long, long time ago
I can still remember
How the wank used to make me smile
And I thought it would be okay
If I turned in and hit the hay
And maybe it would die down for a while

At six o'clock, the alarm clock beckoned
So I figured "what the heck?" and
Logged on to my account
Checked out the comment count

My jaw, it dropped down to the floor
When I saw there was six pages more
Then I saw there the night before . . .
That's how the Wank was born.

And we were saying,
"Oh, my
God, my eyes!
The goggles, they do nothing
When the spooge starts to fly!"
Less than twenty hours later and two thousand replies
And it doesn't look as if it will die . . .
No it doesn't seem it will die.

We all read "The Halfblood Prince"
But it seems a few have lost their sense
(Not to mention sanity)
Oily charm the man has got
But let's face it, Snape's just not that hot--
Or at least, not to folks like you and me

But there's quite a few in love with him;
In the astral plane he speaks to them
At first we stood and gawked
And then we pointed and mocked

They had shrines and screencaps galore
Tattooes, web-groups and so much more
And each one thought she was Snape's whore
And so the Wank went on

And we were saying,
"Oh, my
God, my eyes!
The goggles, they do nothing
When the spooge starts to fly!"
Less than twenty hours later and two thousand replies
And it doesn't look as if it will die . . .
No it doesn't seem it will die.

Oh and there we were all in one place,
The Internet, our saving grace
With so much batshit on display
The crazies came with their song and dance
To claim they'd gotten in Snape's pants
And somehow we just couldn't turn away

Oh and as we watched them rant and rage
The ETAs filled up the page
No rationality
Could make any of them see

That no matter what they think or feel
The bastard simply isn't real
And meanwhile, as we sat and reeled
The Wank ate Illinois

And we were saying,
"Oh, my
God, my eyes!
The goggles, they do nothing
When the spooge starts to fly!"
Less than twenty hours later and two thousand replies
And it doesn't look as if it will die . . .
No it doesn't seem it will die.

I met a girl who fapped and moaned
And asked why we didn't leave her alone
But I just smiled and shook my head
I logged onto the JF site
Where I'd watched the wanking grow all night
And someone told me Dumbledore was dead . . .

And in the comments, fangirls screamed
The wankas lolled and the Cabal schemed
But not a mouse was squeaking
The time had passed for speaking

And the three girls who were once our guests--
The tattooed, batshit, and obsessed--
They boarded the Hogwarts Express
The day the Turkey died

And we were saying,
"Oh, my
God, my eyes!
The goggles, they do nothing
When the spooge starts to fly!"
You never know when and you never know why
But sooner or later, wank dies.

-By ladysphinx here

---------------------

It's batshittry in motion
He turned his tender eyes to me
As nuts as any nut tree
As batshit as Ship Harmony
Mmm - but he blinded me with potions
"He blinded me with potions!"
And took away my sanity
When I'm dancing close to him
"Blinding me with potions - potions!"
I can smell the alchymicals
"Blinding me with potions - potions!"
("Potions!")
("Potions!")
Mmm - but it's batshittry in motion
And when he turned his eyes to me
As nuts as any nut tree
As batshit as Ship Harmony
Mmm - but he blinded me with potions
And failed me in my sanity
When he's dancing next to me
"Blinding me with potions - potions!"
("Potions!")
I can hear machinery
"Blinding me with potions - potions!"
("Potions!")
It's batshittry in motion
And now he's making love to me
The Astral Plane in commotion
Crazier than Harmony
He blinded me with potions
"He blinded me with potions!"
And hit me with legilimency
"Good heavens Lady Darkness - you're beautiful!"
I - I don't believe it!
There he goes again!
He's tidied up, and I can't find anything!
All my tubes and cauldrons
And careful notes
And antiquated notions
But! - it's batshitry in motion
And when he turned his eyes to me
As nuts as any nut tree
Crazier than Ship Harmony
Mmm - but he blinded me with potions
"He blinded me with - with potions!"
He blinded me with -

-Snape blinds a mouse here

----------------------

To the tune of CYNDI LAUPER's "Snape Wank"


We-hell-they see him every night in tight black jeans -
In the pages of a playwizard magazine
Snape fans have started a new sensation
I'm picking up - good vibration -
Oop - Snape Wank

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, let me onto the 'net to get me some more
I read three pages, and then there's nine
They say I better stop - or I'll go blind
Oop - Snape Wank - Snape Wank

Snape Wank--he Wank--a--we Wank
I Wank--you Wank--a--they Wank
Be Wank--be bop--a--lu--Snape Wank,
I hope He will understand
Snape Wank--he Wank--a--we Wank
I Wank--you Wank--a--they Wank
Be Wank--be bop--a--lu--Snape Wank,
Oo--oo--she--do--Snape Wank--Snape Wank

(whistle along here)...

Hey, hey - they say I better get a chaperone
Because this wanks headin into the danger zone
No, I won't worry, and I won't fret
Ain't no law against it yet
Oop - Snape Wank - Snape Wank

Snape Wank - he Wank - we Wank...

-stinksap tries hir hand here

-------------------------


Sevvie get Angry- to the tune of 'Johnnie Get Angry'

Severus, I said we were through
Just to see what you would do
You stood there and shook your head
Made me wish that I were dead

Oh, Sevvie get angry, Sevvie get mad
Give me the best detention I ever had!
I want a master, I want it faster!

Sevvie, show me that you care, really care for me
Every time you possessed me.
Imposed your discipline thrillingly
from the astral it impressed me
Now I pray but you're never free

Oh, Sevvie get angry, Sevvie get mad
Give me the best detention I ever had!
I want a master, I want it faster!

Every girl wants someone who
She can always look up to
You know I love you, of course
Let me know that you're the boss

Oh, Sevvie get angry, Sevvie get mad
Give me the best detention I ever had!
I want a master, I want it faster!

Sevvie, get angry, Sevvie
Sevvie, Sevvie, Sevvie, Sevvie
FADE

-stinksap again, here


------------------------

Gimme (Sung to Cobra Starship's "Bring it")

(I have had it with these Mo****ing Snapes seducing people on the Mother****ing Astral Plane!)
Times are strange
There are all the Snapes
On the astral plane
Seducing women
Let's bring on the wank
May we all be thanked

[Refrain]:
Oh Now Gimme the Wank
Come on Gimme
Oh Now Gimme the Wank
Come on Gimme
Oh Now Gimme the Wank
Come on Gimme
Oh Now Gimme the Wank
Come on Gimme
My poor sanity
I hope that my brain can handle more
Make Jesus babe weep
Now and hence forever more
More Waaank

There's no time
For the wank is there
And the batshit's here
F***cking with your mind
For the Snapelovers
We raise glasses high

[refrain]

Too All Wankas and mice
This is just way too ver nice

The wank is just so great with spooge
It's filled like hair is with lice
This post is yet another one
That adds to the biggest wankdom
And into future it rolls on
From little knowledge to more fun

[refrain]

Ok, that sucked. Shoot me.

-Hell Mouse back for more abuse here

---------------------

To "Bring it" by Cobra Starship

This time it's strange,
We've got fangirls married
to Snape on an astral plane!
Fuck, let's post a wank!
Woops, they've got our name,
and now they're here to flame, hey!

Oh, we're ready for it
Come on, bring it!
Oh, we're ready for it!
Come on, bring it!
Oh, we're ready for it!
Come on, bring it!

Kiss sanity goodbye!
Because you'll laugh until you cry!
Kiss sanity goodbye!
Though one still has yet to psuedo-die!
Gooooodbyeeee~!

In the blink of an eye,
Tonight wank's alive
With the batshit fans
posting left and right!
Watch the whores parade
for some internet fame, hey!

Oh, we're ready for it
Come on, bring it!
Oh, we're ready for it!
Come on, bring it!
Oh, we're ready for it!
Come on, bring it!

Kiss sanity goodbye!
Because you'll laugh until you cry!
Kiss sanity goodbye!
Though one still has yet to psuedo-die!
Gooooodbyeeee~!

Ladies and gentlemen
Snape fans and Slytherin
The fangirl's here with
Creamy batshit fillin'
And posts so venemous
Indignation and capslock
flung at us!
The best thing since
Crystalwank's photographic evidence!

Kiss sanity goodbye!
Because you'll laugh until you cry!
Kiss sanity goodbye!
Snape is the meaning of their lives!
Gooooodbyeeee~!

-ara rocks on here

-----------------------


This is the Ultimate Showdown
of Ultimate Wankery!
Scott's wife, this chick and that nutso
Who's married to Her Sephy
And only one will survive
(or with luck we'll kill all three!)
This is the Ultimate Showdown
of Ultimate Wankery!

-the_asalina here

----------------------




The Batshit once told me
That Snape was gonna roll me
It's definately not the damn late
They were acting kind of dumb
With a tattoo and a thumb
While worshiping the statue of Snape

Well the wank starts coming
And it don't stop coming
You start with the Snapes
And you get the spooge running
Never I'd sing of this for fun
Though people bear kids
Their mind still gets dumb
So much to do
So much to see
So why do they insist that he's real
You never know untill you go
And even then you still do not know

Hey now You're a wank star
Get your spooge on
Oh Hey
Hey now You're a Snape's Wife
Get your brain on
Go play
'Cause all that matters is waank
Or how much you smoked or how much you drank

Somebody once asked
Could I spare some time to pass
To talk about this wank here and there
This is batshit! I exlaimed
When I saw the facts remained
Our brains just need to get out of here

-Like a Duracell battery, Hell Mouse here


-----------------------


Super crazy fangirl
thinks she's dating a guy
from the pages of a book
Finds an online forum
Where they all accept her
no one gives her dirty looks

Did you come here to wank?
What's in your shrine?
Are you over him?

Let it wank, wank some more
Let it wank, wank some more
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Let it wank, wank some more

Fandom_wank distressed her
Kinda angered, kinda stressed her
She retorts with crazy talk
Gleeful over song filks
Wankas bait the troll, they milk
the wank for all it's got

Did you come here to wank?
What's in your shrine?
Are you over him yet?

-dreamoflife02 gets in on the action here

--------------------

From the day we arrive in the fandom
And blinking, crack open a book
There's more to see than can ever be seen
Though sometimes we don't dare even look

There's far too much to take in here
More to mock than can ever be mocked
Yet the spooge of this sort
Robs us of all retort
And confirms that our species is fucked

It's the Ciiiircle of Waaaaannnnk
And it moves us all
Through batshit and trolls
Through pain and lulz!
Till we find our brains
And put them back together
In the Ciiiircllllle
The Ciiiiircle of Waaaaaaannnk

-the_asalina destroys my childhood here


-----------------------------


Yo, where's mah wank
I got no wank in my headphones
Oh Holy Sh******t

Have you ever seen a wank as so profound as this
No sir, nothing has ever topped this
Not even now with the random things
Not even crack
Before F_W was around or will be ever found whack
All them Sephirpth Brides and the Queens of the Links
THey all got nothing on this, they're simply all tiny shrinks
In comparison to this great wank that we have here
What can I say It's so amazing that you just gotta hear it
Isn't it all that you are gathered here to hear for
And now you're listening and do you want to hear more?
Just say something, tell me why this shit's deranged
Why are they worshiping this, and why they are enraged

(SHOUT IT MOUSIES)
"Because they're Batshit
They're totally deranged"
And falling in and out of love
They provide (us)
With wank too much to handle
(Because we said)
We said that they are batshit
They really are deranged
And marrying to fiction stars
they provide (us)
With wank too much too handle

Why such devotion commotion you may ask, why such friction
We cannot answer these questions, for it may just seem like fiction
Even though we have seen more of the nets that we should of
This is not so damn common that we can know so for sure of
You cannot really reply unless you claim that they're shunning
What humans call call simply thinking, or in their case, it's cunning
How could we ever claim that their lover was not real
FOR HE IS WITH THEM And does he provide them with more than real
Sex in the nigh-time and kisses and missing supper on purpose
And having kids even though they live their life for the purpose
Of someone else, somebody who is a fiction
A character in a book, a fucking though, not a real one
Isn't that why they fight over him and then cry
When he abandons them (Why did they even try)

(Shout it Mousies)

-Hell Mouse still going strong, here

-------------------------

Can you hear the drums, Severus?
I remember long ago, another batshit fan like this
In the internets, Severus?
You were humming to yourself and softly banging your head against the wall
I could hear the screams
And sounds of laughter coming from afar.

They were closer now, Severus
Every comment, every page seemed to last eternally
I was so afraid, Severus
They were old and full of crazy and actually had children in their lives
And I'm not ashamed to say
The the 84 pictures of you almost made me cry.

Was there was something in the water they drank?
The crazy was frankly wrong, Severus.
They were trolling here for you and me,
Against sanity, Severus
Though I never thought more sanity they could lose...
Theres no regret
If I had to do the report again
I would, my friend, Severus.

Now were on and page eleven, Severus
And since many pages I haven't seen 'Y HALLO THAR MS. SCRIBE"
Can you hear the screams Severus?
Do you still recall the comments from page one?
I can see it in your eyes
How freaked you were that the crazy just went on.

Was there was something in the water they drank?
The crazy was frankly wrong, Severus.
They were trolling here for you and me,
Against sanity, Severus
Though I never thought more sanity they could lose...
Theres no regret
If I had to do the report again
I would, my friend, Severus.
Yes if I had to do the report again,
I would, my friend, Severus.

-sarahjrsten joins the fray here

-----------------------

The lunatic is on the Web
The lunatic is on the Web
She's married to Snape, she wrote him wedding vows
She thinks Fandom Wank are stupid cows.

The lunatic is in this post
The lunatic is in this post
She wants to know what we are hiding in our pasts
And her replies to us are too damn fast

And if the damn breaks open many years to soon
And if you're posting on a Snapey board
And if your head explodes like Lady Darkness' too
Then you've become a Snapey Love-Slave Loon!

The lunatic is in her bed
The lunatic is in her bed
She lifts her head, she looks for Snape
But he's not there, he's really fake
Let's lock the door and throw away the key
'Cause she is batshit nuts, we all agree!

And if she posts in screaming mega-caps
She shouts and wanks and faps and faps
And if you want to lock her in a rubber room
Then she is just a Snapey Love-Slave Loon!

-blackhat rocks on here

------------------------

Quite a Wank to the tune of Just a Ride by Jem


Snape, no he isn't real,
but these girls they can feel
him on their skin.
So they make their vows,
Do what he allows
Because he's so real
And then they

Lose it
Yeah they lose it
They just go batshit
Read it and see!
Because

It's quite a wank, it's quite a wank
More loony HP fen to thank
It'll make your jaw drop down
Maybe your head
Will spin around
It's quite a wank, it's quite a wank
The witty songposts that we'll make
3,000 comments in the bank
Pop some corn, it's quite a wank

So, they find Fandom Wank
Bring their crazy here
Just like so many have before
But our snark is fierce
Alan Rickman is hot!
But Snape, maybe not
And then they

CAPSLOCK!
YEAH THEY CAPSLOCK!
SO WE ALL CAPSLOCK!
but some of us
bold

It's quite a wank, it's quite a wank
More loony HP fen to thank
It'll make your jaw drop down
Maybe your head
Will spin around
It's quite a wank, it's quite a wank
The witty songposts that we'll make
3,000 comments in the bank
Pop some corn, it's quite a wank

Sweetly, oh so very sweetly,
Accept that
It's never gonna stop
So comment, add another comment
Nony-mice, work it till you drop

Refresh
Just hit refresh
Keep hitting refresh
More ETAs
Because

It's quite a wank, it's quite a wank
More loony HP fen to thank
It'll make your jaw drop down
Maybe your head
Will spin around
It's quite a wank, it's quite a wank
The witty songposts that we'll make
3,000 comments in the bank
Pop some corn, it's quite a wank

-A wily mouse named artyartie@lj, here

-------------------

How you doin fangirls?
Batshit! Batshit!
How ya Doin' fangirls?
Batshit! Batshit!
How ya Doin' Fangirls?
Batshit! Batshit!
And all the Wankas say He's pretty fly
For a Fake guy

The fandoms had their fair share
Of wankings in the past
But most of them were troll posts
And none of them would last
But this new wank has power
I think it'll carry on
Can it get even lower
Than Crystalwank has gone?

[refrain]:
And so They hope
That it's just a joke
For their brains are melted
And the goggles are so broke
Shout out to all ye good wankas
Hey hey do that Snapey thing!

It started out real simple
A mom and several kids
But then it got real scary
The mom started to fritz
Severus she obsessed with
And shrines to him she made
And yell at us she would if
Her batshit would now fade

Now she's breaking up with Snapey
Oh this you shouldn't miss
She's starting to get angry (that)
We're making such a diss
We say she's full of batshittery
Full of the insane
But gods forsake me if I say this wank could ever wane

-Hell Mouse struts hir stuff here

------------------------

My batshit brings all the wank to the fen
And they're like, "Oh not this again!"
Damn right, you've got it again
I've been lovin' on Snape since way back when

You want me to act like
I don't believe he's real
But Snape is mine
Yeah, for all of time
(And damn he's fine)

La-la, la la la
Wank it up
La-la, la la la
The fen are waiting
La-la, la la la
Wank it up
La-la, la la la
The fen are waiting

-the_asalina for the last time, here

------------------------

Cold-Hearted Snape

He's a cold-hearted Snape
Look into his eyes
Uh-oh, he's been tellin' lies
He's imaginary, babe
He ain't givin' rules
Uh-oh, don't you look the fool now

He's the one givin' you the love
Anytime you want it
But you talk out loud and then we're off
and mocking you to death
You're the one to sacrifice
Sanity to love him
Could you really love someone
Who'd have such awful breath?

He's a cold-hearted Snape
Look into his eyes
Uh-oh, he's been tellin' lies
He's imaginary, babe
He ain't givin' rules
Uh-oh, don't you look the fool now

It was only late last night
You were out there wankin'
Then you said he'd touched you and you
felt it in your tra-la-la
All your world's built on this guy
You're hallucinatin'
Get your thinker-upper checked, babe,
This here's a faux pas!

He's a cold-hearted Snape
Look into his eyes
Uh-oh, he's been tellin' lies
He's imaginary, babe
He ain't givin' rules
Uh-oh, don't you look the fool now

You could find someone who's real, girl
He can't even get it up
You're a grade-A nutty fruitcake, girl
JKR made him up!

He's a cold-hearted Snape
Look into his eyes
Uh-oh, he's been tellin' lies
He's imaginary, babe
He ain't givin' rules
Uh-oh, don't you look the fool now

-tez brings the funneh here

-----------------------


I tried to kill the wank
But only brought more
I lay wanked
And I'm pouring bad poetry and insanity
I'm fandom wanked, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?

My Severus my Master
Return to me salvation
My Severus my Master
Return to me salvation

Do you remember me
Lost for so long
Will you be on the astral plane
Or will you forget me
I'm fandom wanked, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?

My Severus my Master
Return to me salvation
My Severus my Master
Return to me salvation

My wounds cry for the Potions
My soul cries for the astral plane
Will I be denied Severus
Tourniquet
My Master

-blackflag is back here

-----------


This is the wank that never ends,
It just goes on and on my fen,
Some people started wanking it
Because of how batshit it was
And now they'll keep on wanking it
Forever just because...

-sprungtodrown activates our earworms here

--------------

She keeps the love poems she writes in a pretty cabinet
'He's my master' she says just like a Slytherinette
A built-in remedy for Rickman and Bela Lugosi
At anytime a wank report you can't decline

Potions and tattoos,
Well-versed in CAPS etiquette,
Extr'ordinarily crazy,

She's a Snape Queen
Bozoars, Occulmency
Batshit with a fanfic beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind (anytime)
Ooh, recommended at the price
Insatiable in appetite (Wanna try?)

To praise the Potions Master she posts her exploits on the internets
In conversation she spoke about the Astral Plane
Met a man from Hogwarts went down to Hogsmeade Minor
(Batshit, Batshit, she's Severus' Queen)
But then again ironically, its the way she is inclined

Books came naturally from Rowling (naturally)
For canon she couldn't care less
Disasociative with a side of fries

She's a Snape Queen
Dungeons, Occulmency
Batshit with a fanfic beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind (anytime)



Drop of Snape's hat she's as willing as playful as a pussy cat
Then momentarily out of reality, temporarily out of gas
(To absolutely drive you wild, wild..)
She's thinks fen are out to get her...

She's a Snape Queen
Abusing the ellipses
Batshit with a fanfic beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Ooh, recommended at the price
Insatiable in appetite
(Wanna try?)
You don't wanna try...

-tehrin, here

-----------------

Well I don't know why I clicked on the link
My brain it has started to shrink
I don't know what's goin on there
She married a man who's not here
Batshit to the left of me loony to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle confused

Yes I'm stuck in the middle confused
And I'm wondering if she's loose a screw
It's so hard to keep the look from my face
The wank it's all over the place
Batshit to the left of me loony to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle confused

Well you started off Amusing
But your Snape is a fictitious man
And the fen they all come crawling
Slap you on the back and say
Please, Please

I just can't make sense of it all
But I see you make no sense at all
Is it cruel to mock the insane
Yeah, but it all broke my brain
Batshit to the left of me loony to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle confused

Well you started off Amusing
But your Snape is a ficticous man
And the fen they all come crawling
Slap you on the back and say
Please, Please

Yeah I don't know why I clicked on the link
My brain it continues to shrink
I don't know what's goin on there
She married a man who's not here
Batshit to the left of me loony to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle confused

-By v_digitalwytch, here

-----------------------


Please just come wank with me
The batshit's loose and free.
This wank of destiny won't do,
Please quit fapping, I beseech you,
There are several things
That make me duck and scream:
"YOU. ARE. SO. IN-SANE."

Splooge runs down the walls.
This really ain't all that new. (ain't new, yo)
She's not moving on cos,
Severus swears he's in love with her.

:prechorus:
So check your mental stats, cos we swear you're all insane.
Where's your goddamn meds?
Years have passed,
This chick has kids?!

:chorus:

Watching comments go up,
5k; they say's our top. (they say so)
We're not standing so idle.
Fandom Wank will mock you 'til you croak.

:prechorus:

:chorus:

Autumn's here; salami's so long, the wankers won't give in, neither will I for my insomnia's clear.
In the night, LD's bed must be cold, for this chick ain't real.
Please tell me this batshit ain't real.

Autumn's here; salami's so long, the wankers won't give in, neither will I for my insomnia's clear.
In the night, LD's bed must be cold, for this chick ain't real.
Please tell me this batshit ain't real.

-By theartema, here

---------------------

And when i see Snape
he's just a figment of my brain
And I should know better
But I'd rather be insane
be insane, be insane

If you feel like mocking
That there's no lack of batshit here
Tattoos, shrines and Sue fics
marriage vows and astral planes
endless tides of spooge
The wank report is huge

Snape is fact not fiction
He touches us in our dreams
And all the Sues and sausage smut in every fic
Can't make us see that this is insane
I'm logging on LJ

To post some batshititude and on Fandom Wank I type a CAPSLOCKed post of rage
But I know it's too late
That I'm only giving them fodder to wank
giving them more fodder to wank [x3]

Snape is fact not fiction
He touches us in our dreams

-By squeakthemouse, here

------------------

All of the fangirls
Who drool over Snape
And all of the wankas
Who watch, mouths agape

And all of the filks
That we sing, every line,
And all those salamis
Where sunlight don't shine

And poor Alan Rickman
Who'd probably choke
If he heard of these nutbars
He's hot, though, no joke

And poor JKR
Who'd never intend
For Snape to be this chick's
Imaginary friend

And all of the socks
Who come to sneer and mock
And all of the mice
Who contribute something nice

And all of the sad
And all of the wrong
That the Sevvie-fans hatch
And all of their batshit -

This wank is so huge
That the sun is eclipsed by the spooge.

-bitch_ass_hoe keeps us going here




And still going...