Harmonian Wank Sporks Itself
Well, vanceone is back. Not only is he back, but he’s back in force here on jf. Over at the community harmonywank he posts regarding the future web reactions to the release of Book 7.

Now, this is my first wank report so if there is some policy against posting regarding wank in other jf communities, I will delete the entry.

c&ped just in case of friends-lock or deletion.



I found this on Googles new beta software "futureweb". I hope people enjoy it.


Date: July 8th, 2007.
Byline: HPANA news special reporter, Weh R.E. Sum.
HPANA Potter News wire reports



Headline:
The End Of All Things (Spoilers for Book 7)


Story:

Yesterdays release of Harry Potter and the Golden Snitch has prompted an enourmous fan reaction, including a riot and JKR quadrupling her security. As was expected, many fans loved the book, while others were upset to see their theories get dashed. In the latter category, of course, there is no more prominent group than that group of fans known as "OBHWF shippers." This group of people were those who thought that Harry would marry Ginny and Hermione would end up with Ron.

Ms. Rowlings surprise ending where Harry Potter and Hermione Granger actually got married to each other in the epilogue to book 7 has shaken fandom to the core. While, of course, rumors had swirled around the contents of book 7 for several weeks prior to its release on July 7th, most OBHWF shippers brushed off those rumors and expressed supreme confidence that, while Ms. Rowling is known for her surprise twists and turns, and has legendarily admitted trying to trick her fandom, they knew that JKR had settled the "shipping question" once and for all. Indeed, several of them proudly admitted the only thing "they knew for certain" was the answer to the shipping question. There are unconfirmed reports that several OBHWF shippers maintained Voldemort was more likely to be Harry's real father than Harry and Hermione getting together. In particular, many of those shippers who congregate at various live journal sites and communities, especially on the service known as "JournalFen" were especially dismayed. Several of them appear to be suffering severe mental issues right now.

The reasons for this are somewhat obscure, but can be directly traced to the unremitting, 2 year long campaign waged by many people against a group of fans nicknamed "Harmonians." Apparently, Harmonians promoted the idea that Harry would end up with Hermione, and that there was canonical evidence for that pairing to happen. The fact that many Harmonians argued perhaps JKR still had a few tricks up her sleeve when it came to romance after book 6 made them, in many if not most OBWHF shippers view, so-called "delusional."

The alleged fact of Harmonian mental derangement appears to be the single most cherished value for many of the OBHWF shippers, especially those on Journalfen. They spent much, if not most of their time in the HP fandom mocking everything they could about Harmonians. In particular, they proclaimed that they had an uncanny knowledge of exactly what JKR was thinking about romance, and most of them would incessantly proclaim how they had known from the beginning of Harry Potter and the Sorcerors/Philosophers Stone that OBHWF was the way JKR was going.

Many others, while not necessarily fond of the idea of OBHWF, also gleefully joined in the mockery of Harmonians. The one thing that brought them all together was the so-called article of faith that Harry and Hermione would not get together, and they also gleefully said there was no chance in Hades it would ever happen.

Needless to say, Book 7 has severely disappointed them, and some have turned violent. Police had to successfully quell a riot at Mugglenet's book 7 launch party, and are currently asking people to keep an eye out for Mugglenet's webmaster, Emerson Spartz, who is feared to be suicidal at this point. Many of the Journalfen Harmonian mockers are now suffering what appears to be seizures, since they elevated JKR to practical "goddess" mode. In their view, expressed repeatedly on such sites as the "Cornfield" and the "HMS STFU," JKR was a legendary writer who could not be criticized, since there was no valid criticism of her. Anyone who did question the OBHWF interpretation, or said it was not necessarily certain, was accused of being a "Harmonian," and thus considered mentally unstable, and not worth replying to. Now that JKR actually DID go the Harry and Hermione route, their two core concepts (JKR can do no wrong and Harry and Hermione cannot get together) are clashing head on, with tragic results.

Journalfen itself, along with Livejournal, are currently only up sporadically, due to all the heavy traffic. The popular community "Fandom_wank" actually was shut down, simply because of all the traffic and vast numbers of people fighting there. This was relatively unique in Fandom_Wank's history, since practically all of the Harry Potter fans at that community were OBHWF shippers or sympathizers, while the rest were just as excited to laugh at them.

Police have advised several well known Harry Hermione shippers to take a vacation or otherwise not be around, especially due to the malicious, anonymous release earlier this year of several Harmonian home telephone numbers and addresses. Several Harmonians contacted by HPANA have reported anonymous threats left on their voicemail since yesterday. Prominent Harry/Hermione sites have also suffered hacking attempts and indeed, Portkey itself was partially hacked for about 3 hours last night. Both Portkey and HMS Harmony communities state that they have had to disable registration due to the influx of what they term "trolls."

JKR has beefed up security, and police in Glasgow, Scotland have increased their patrols around her residence considerably. Prominent OBHWF shipping sites like Mugglenet, the Leaky Cauldron, and Sugarquill have either shut down or are crashing due to the load of traffic directed to them at this moment.

Many bookstores are reporting that what appears to be disappointed OBHWF shippers are returning their books. Unfortunately, some are returning them through the windows. Several Barnes and Noble stores report that every single one of their windows was broken by Harry Potter books being thrown through them. Others are reporting on the apparently crazed OBHWF fans. Jenny B. Bad, a clerk at the bookstore "Borders" in Kalamazoo, Michigan, told HPANA over the phone that it was like a scene from the hit movie Shaun of the Dead.

Scholastic and other publishers have issued press releases appealing for calm, and also pointing out that Ms. Rowling has been known to trick people before, so that there should have been no real surprise. One anonymous source close to the publisher stated that perhaps if some fans had not decided their only goal in fandom was to mock another group of fans who turned out to be right, they might not be so disappointed now.

Meanwhile, the rest of fandom wonders and argues over why Severus Snape was last seen riding off on Sirius Black's motorcycle.




I should probably turn off my e-mail commenting option just in case.

ETA: As many of you have noticed, vanceone has shown up in the comments. Here he is with a particularly interesting bit about alchemy.