A sporked version of this wank is available at The H.M.S. STFU. Though I suppose, technically, it should be just "H.M.S. STFU", since it otherwise works out to "The Her Majesty's Ship STFU", but... then again, without the "the" it sounds wrong.
Now, see, that's over-analysing. However, not quite so much as today's crank does: D.I.A.T.S.S.I.S.E., or QWERTYUIOP, as I shall refer to it, is a crank theory from before Deathly Hallows which, when proven wrong, sent its author into a rant of epic proportions.
Basically, it says that Dumbledore Impersonated A Trustworthy Severus Snape In Spinner's End - or QWERTYUIOP. This was the grand solution to all the mysteries of the Harry Potter series. As he explained:
To solve a mystery, most mystery genre fans know you have to use logic and deductive reasoning. What is logical to the fantasy genre fans is illogical in real life. I believe J. K Rowling is about to end the series in a logical, reasonable manner.
...a logical, reasonable manner which involves Dumbledore randomly impersonating Snape and agreeing to kill himself. But then, I'm a fantasy genre fan, and, according to him:
The Harry Potter fantasy genre fans believe the plot of Half Blood Prince has Dumbledore, the most intelligent wizard ever born, assign to a 17 yr. old teenager the almost impossible job of saving the world alone with no backup or support. Just think how illogical that conclusion is, but the fantasy genre fans tell you that was the plot of Half Blood Prince. They tell you it is logical for Dumbledore to have assigned this task to Harry Potter, and that the plot of Deathly Hallows will simply be about how this unqualified teenager finds the horcruxes, gets past their protection, destroys them, and then locates and kills the most evil and powerful wizard of all times. What a stupid idiot plot. I hope J. K. Rowling doesn't insult my intelligence with such an idiot plot. Examples of the errors of the logic of the fantasy genre fans is given throughout this site.
And furthermore, he wants Harry not to save the day, but instead be a perfectly ordinary wizard being tricked into being a pawn to allow other people to kill Voldemort while Harry distracts him. This would have the additional bonus of really insulting the fantasy genre fans:
By writing Deathly Hallows in this way, JKR will in effect have created a parody of the fantasy genre making the most adamant of her fantasy fans the butt of this joke.
Of course, this didn't pan out. So he went tl;dr on us!
After a short insulting "Congratulations" to those proven right, he took a hint from the Harmonians:
Against my desire not to give another second of my time thinking about Harry Potter my mind kept looking at possible changes in the plot that would have created a great mystery as well as fantasy and developed this theory. I am only posting it as closure for this period of my life. I have no desire to spend any time discussing or arguing it. I have already wasted too much time...
...At which point, he writes JKR a letter of such hilariousness that I suggest you read it in full (either at http://www.diatssise.com/ or at the aforementioned spork.) Some highlights include:
I did not believe this letter would become necessary. I thought the Harry Potter books would be placed in a closet or bookcase or donated to a library where they now belong and everyone would proceed forward with their lives. I thought you would recommend this course of action to the children and encourage them to put up their Harry Potter books and get off the discussion forums and then direct them to other books.
However, since, in fact, she isn't insulting her own work - nine days after it launched - and since...
In my opinion the children on these forums are totally and completely absorbed with the fantasy world of Harry Potter. It is all they want to talk about.
Thus, of course...
THESE CHILDREN NEED TO GET OFF THESE FORUMS IN A REASONABLE TIME AND FORGET ABOUT HARRY POTTER AND GET ON WITH THEIR LIFE. I realize that they probably need to discuss what they like about the final book, but in my opinion it is not healthy for these children to continue much longer with their obsessive demands for unimportant detail. Please start encouraging these children to put their Harry Potter books away and start reading other books. I realize that I’m not a child psychologist, and I therefore ask you to please check with experts on the harm being caused to these children.
...Yes, he actually shouts, in all caps, "Please think of the children!". A most rewarding little wank.
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