A sporked version of this wank is available at The H.M.S. STFU. Though I suppose, technically, it should be just "H.M.S. STFU", since it otherwise works out to "The Her Majesty's Ship STFU", but... then again, without the "the" it sounds wrong.

Now, see, that's over-analysing. However, not quite so much as today's crank does: D.I.A.T.S.S.I.S.E., or QWERTYUIOP, as I shall refer to it, is a crank theory from before Deathly Hallows which, when proven wrong, sent its author into a rant of epic proportions.

Basically, it says that Dumbledore Impersonated A Trustworthy Severus Snape In Spinner's End - or QWERTYUIOP. This was the grand solution to all the mysteries of the Harry Potter series. As he explained:

To solve a mystery, most mystery genre fans know you have to use logic and deductive reasoning. What is logical to the fantasy genre fans is illogical in real life. I believe J. K Rowling is about to end the series in a logical, reasonable manner.

...a logical, reasonable manner which involves Dumbledore randomly impersonating Snape and agreeing to kill himself. But then, I'm a fantasy genre fan, and, according to him:

The Harry Potter fantasy genre fans believe the plot of Half Blood Prince has Dumbledore, the most intelligent wizard ever born, assign to a 17 yr. old teenager the almost impossible job of saving the world alone with no backup or support. Just think how illogical that conclusion is, but the fantasy genre fans tell you that was the plot of Half Blood Prince. They tell you it is logical for Dumbledore to have assigned this task to Harry Potter, and that the plot of Deathly Hallows will simply be about how this unqualified teenager finds the horcruxes, gets past their protection, destroys them, and then locates and kills the most evil and powerful wizard of all times. What a stupid idiot plot. I hope J. K. Rowling doesn't insult my intelligence with such an idiot plot. Examples of the errors of the logic of the fantasy genre fans is given throughout this site.

And furthermore, he wants Harry not to save the day, but instead be a perfectly ordinary wizard being tricked into being a pawn to allow other people to kill Voldemort while Harry distracts him. This would have the additional bonus of really insulting the fantasy genre fans:

By writing Deathly Hallows in this way, JKR will in effect have created a parody of the fantasy genre making the most adamant of her fantasy fans the butt of this joke.

Of course, this didn't pan out. So he went tl;dr on us!

After a short insulting "Congratulations" to those proven right, he took a hint from the Harmonians:

Against my desire not to give another second of my time thinking about Harry Potter my mind kept looking at possible changes in the plot that would have created a great mystery as well as fantasy and developed this theory. I am only posting it as closure for this period of my life. I have no desire to spend any time discussing or arguing it. I have already wasted too much time...

JKR CHANGED HER MIND BETWEEN HBP AND DEATHLY HALLOWS

This is the only logical explanation that my mind could come up with because of the –forgive me- clue and the fact that the DIATSSISE theory is the perfect answer to the true owner of the elder wand in Deathly Hallows.

In my opinion JKR changed her mind on what she was writing or made major plot changes during the editing process because the movie industry wanted a different type of book and she wanted to please her child. The movie industry thinks and JKR agreed that the DIATSSISE theory and the trap theories are too complicated for movies or children. The only reason I include JKR’s child to this theory is JKR’s last paragraph of her office entry after DH was released.

MY BIGGEST REGRET

From this time forward when I think of the Harry Potter series I will think: “What a Shame. The series turned from a literary classic to Juvenile Trash with a few changes to the plot. It could have been so great. What a shame.”

...At which point, he writes JKR a letter of such hilariousness that I suggest you read it in full (either at http://www.diatssise.com/ or at the aforementioned spork.) Some highlights include:

I did not believe this letter would become necessary. I thought the Harry Potter books would be placed in a closet or bookcase or donated to a library where they now belong and everyone would proceed forward with their lives. I thought you would recommend this course of action to the children and encourage them to put up their Harry Potter books and get off the discussion forums and then direct them to other books.

However, since, in fact, she isn't insulting her own work - nine days after it launched - and since...

In my opinion the children on these forums are totally and completely absorbed with the fantasy world of Harry Potter. It is all they want to talk about.

Thus, of course...

THESE CHILDREN NEED TO GET OFF THESE FORUMS IN A REASONABLE TIME AND FORGET ABOUT HARRY POTTER AND GET ON WITH THEIR LIFE. I realize that they probably need to discuss what they like about the final book, but in my opinion it is not healthy for these children to continue much longer with their obsessive demands for unimportant detail. Please start encouraging these children to put their Harry Potter books away and start reading other books. I realize that I’m not a child psychologist, and I therefore ask you to please check with experts on the harm being caused to these children.

PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Thank you

Paintball

...Yes, he actually shouts, in all caps, "Please think of the children!". A most rewarding little wank.

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(Post a new comment)

	dracothelizard 2007-08-22 01:31 pm UTC (link)
	"To solve a mystery, most mystery genre fans know you have to use logic and deductive reasoning. What is logical to the fantasy genre fans is illogical in real life." Too bad that Harry Potter wasn't actually a mystery genre book, but a fantasy genre book! (Reply to this)

	tesgirl123 2007-08-22 01:33 pm UTC (link)
	For a second I thought this was Anise and Creamtea, what with all the talk of logic, detective/mystery genre and an overly ridiculous theory that ignores Occams Razor. (Reply to this)

	indis_earfalas 2007-08-22 02:38 pm UTC (link)
	Good grief. I'm 35 and I don't want to read Catcher in the bloody Rye ... I know that by now it shouldn't surprise me, but he's old enough to have a son and daughter in law. *boggles* (Reply to this)

seeshellirun 2007-08-22 03:24 pm UTC (link)

"I realize that they probably need to discuss what they like about the final book, but in my opinion it is not healthy for these children to continue much longer with their obsessive demands for unimportant detail." "Besides, forums are for pussies. If they were really serious about it, they would have registered their own domain and spent the month following the release of the book updating with whining about how they got screwed." For the love of all that is good and holy, YOU WERE WRONG. There is no conspiracy to cover up the "original" story, you complete and utter moron. The books were not about you. This guy is worse than the Harmonians - at least they were a group of people with delusions of self-importance. This is one guy who thinks JKR singled him out to be screwed. (Reply to this)

ikuko 2007-08-22 05:03 pm UTC (link)

Oh, fer goodness sake. Now he has discovered that numbered pages do not amount to the announced pages, and has not yet learned the difference between typographic and textual. Which is sooo last month. So he spins out a new theory: This theory proposes that JKR wrote the final book that she had planned and submitted it to her publishers. After putting the book into their system, they announced that the American edition would have 784 pages. The theory proposes that during the editing process the editors (both of whom are editors for children's books) talked JKR into changing major plot points of Deathly Hallows using kind of a "choose the plot" election by getting ideas from the major Harry Potter discussion forums. This caused major changes in the plot that ended up being the favorites of the fantasy genre fans, but inconsistant and in some circumstances directly contridicted by clues laid out by JKR in HBP. Or, in short, JKR wrote her book exactry as he predicted, but all the good stuff was edited out. Yes, dear. And while you are at that, please tell Harmonians that Harry marrying Hermione was in there too. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	The original manuscript analenna 2007-08-22 05:57 pm UTC (link)
	The editors just cut out the sex scenes, obviously. There was a mass Death Eater orgy in the first chapter that took about twenty pages, and the rest was taken by the original Chapter Four, ‘Seven Potters, Seven Ways, Seven Peers and Seven Lays’; unfortunately that was cut out almost completely. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: The original manuscript oar 2007-08-25 02:35 am UTC (link)
	Not to mention all the X-rated flashback of Dumbledore and Grindelwald's summer of love and hot wizard-on-psychopath action. (Reply to this)(Parent)

rudemistress 2007-08-25 05:22 pm UTC (link)

My favorite part of this cracktasm is how he proposes that the editors chose plotlines from fan forums. As in, "Wah, how come THEY got to gloat and not MEEEEE?" Not to mention the echo of the old "JKR was kidnapped by OBHWF shippers and forced to change her story!" only now with pro-Snape fans instead of shippers. 'Cuz, heaven forbid any wrong-assed theorist should admit he got something RONG. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	sushi 2007-08-22 06:50 pm UTC (link)
	PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN. *dies* That makes all this worth it, doesn't it? (Reply to this)

chrissytng 2007-08-22 07:54 pm UTC (link)

I don’t remember how many times I read complaints from these children that their teachers were making them read classics like “Catcher in the Rye” but they had just skimmed the book and was re-reading one of the Harry Potter books for the 10th time. Dude, I was reading Shakespeare before I read HP! And I was in middle school at the time! JKR you evil bitch, making me give up the classic lit for kids books! *rolls eyes* PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN. LMFAO!!! Ok, I'm better now. You've just made my week! (Reply to this)

	tao_tao 2007-08-22 11:41 pm UTC (link)
	Oh wow, this might just be the shittiest theory I ever heard. And independent from age and genre, unless the genre is crackfic. (Reply to this)

(Anonymous) 2007-08-23 03:35 am UTC (link)

Oh.My.Gosh. Whoever this paintball guy is, he sounds EXACTLY like Anise of the Love Potion of Doom fame. What is it with these people who pick out the minutest details to form some crazy-ass theory, and then go on to pump this theory all over the place, saying it's the only</i> "logical" way the series could go? And of course, if they're wrong, (which they were) then JKR goes from being "teh most brilliant author evah!!1!" to a low-class hack. *insert gigantic eye roll here* (Reply to this)(Thread)

	rudemistress 2007-08-25 05:25 pm UTC (link)
	How does his word count compare with Anise's? Is Paintball, too, Master of the Teal Deer? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	meesha1971 2007-12-08 01:36 am UTC (link)
	He's an attorney. He makes Anise look like an amateur in the art of Teal Deer. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	(Anonymous) 2007-08-26 08:27 pm UTC (link)
	so what does this have to do with H/Hr? (Reply to this)(Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2007-08-30 04:43 am UTC (link)
	I don't think non-Harmony wank is forbidden on HP_cornfield. Even though it was originally made to get the Harmony-wank off f_w, it's not harmony_cornfield, is it? (Reply to this)(Parent)

	ara 2007-08-27 12:21 am UTC (link)
	I don’t remember how many times I read complaints from these children that their teachers were making them read classics like “Catcher in the Rye” but they had just skimmed the book and was re-reading one of the Harry Potter books for the 10th time. Man, this reminds me of a quote: "A classic is someone everyone wants to have read but nobody wants to read." (Reply to this)

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