FIC: Sod The Griffin! I Want Apples! (1/1)
Title: Sod the Griffin! I Want Apples!
Author: Fishgoat
Category: Parody. With a capital P. Those who need spew warnings take heed.
Rating: Well, I say R, karadin says PG. What do you think?
Pairing: um...Merry/Pippin mostly, with hints of more disturbing things....
Disclaimer: Not mine. Tolkien's. No money made.
Summary: Merry is hurt, Pippin saves the day, and Legolas and Gimli have erectile problems.

Notes: Once upon a time, I wrote a longish, serious fic for karadin"s Hobbitfic Fairy Tale Challenge based on The Griffin, a tale collected by the Brothers Grimm. The day I sent it off to be beta'd I was attacked by a bunny on crack. Hence, this thing: a parody of said fairy tale. This is not to be taken seriously. Ever. For any reason. Really!

Translations of the elvish phrases used are at the end of this fic.

Thanks to OtherWise and wyomingnot for laughing. :D



[All is darkness. A disembodied voice speaks softly. The light comes up gradually to illuminate a tall elf woman with golden hair wearing a flowing gown of white.]

Galadriel: This tale has changed in the telling. I feel it in the words. I smell it in the ink. I taste it in my mind. I tell this tale of long ago, though much of it is lost, for none now live who possess the cerebral capacity to remember it. Ai! Varda na naugrimdil! Nalye saur! Éw, grossë! Undulávë lambe nin! Excelsior!--
Celeborn: Vanawen?
Galadriel: Hmm?
Celeborn: Get on with it, please.
Galadriel: *sigh* Very well. Once, long ago, there lived a hobbit named Meriadoc Brandybuck....
Merry: Hullo!
Galadriel: ...who, while stealing various foodstuffs, became embroiled in a most dangerous quest....
Merry: Boy, did I ever!
Galadriel: ...was kidnapped by orcs most foul, made friends with the Ents, most ancient of beings....
Merry: Those Ents have weird drinks, man!
Galadriel: ...met the King of Rohan and became oath bound thereto, crept off to battle with the Lady of Rohan behind his liege lord's back....
Merry: That was Éowyn's idea!
Galadriel: ...and helped defeat utterly a Nazgûl....
Merry: Wow. We were busy.
Pippin: Yes, we were.
Galadriel: What are you doing here?
Pippin: Oh come now, you can't have Merry without Pippin.
Merry: That would be unthinkable!
Pippin: Like a mug without ale!
Merry: Like a pipe without pipe weed!
Pippin: Like bread without butter!
Merry: Speaking of which....[leers] Say, pretty elf maiden, care for a hobbit sandwich?
Pippin: I hear they're quite tasty. [waggles eyebrows]
Galadriel: [stares] Celeborn?
Celeborn: On it, vanimelda. [draws sword and roars]
Merry and Pippin: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! [exeunt]
Galadriel: Hobbits. Their valour is equal only to their licentiousness. [clears throat] Where was I? Oh, yes…he helped defeat utterly a Nazgûl, the greatest of the Nine, the Terror of the Skies... The Bitch Queen of Angmar!

BQofA: [scream! simper! prance!] No man can kill me, girlfriend!
Merry: I am no man! [stabs him in leg]
Éowyn: I am no man, neither! [stabs him in face]
BQofA: Ow. [dies]
Merry and Éowyn: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! My arm! My arm! My arm! My arm! [both collapse]

Galadriel: Alas and alack, our two brave heroes were sore wounded. They were taken to the Houses of Healing but nothing was found to cure them, not even a pint of Barliman's finest.

Ioreth: Come on, widdle perian, dwink the widdle dwinky winky.
Merry: I'd rather have a Guinness. [retches]
Ioreth: Ick.

Galadriel: Éowyn was saved at the last by the healing prowess of Aragorn son of Arathorn, Isildur's heir and the true King of Gondor.
Aragorn: Hi.
Galadriel: [looking him up and down] Go wash your hair, Elessar.
Aragorn: [grumbles] Bloody grandmothers-in-law.... [leaves]

Galadriel: Aragorn brought the healing herb athelas with him, and for a wonder his healing actually wor -- I mean, his vast knowledge of healing herbs - which he learned from me, thank you very much - was enough to bring Éowyn's numb and frozen arm back to life and to revive her flagging spirit.

Éowyn: I'm healed! Thank you, King Ælfstan. Wanna shag?
Aragorn: No.
Éowyn: Dammit. [pouts]

Galadriel: Meriadoc, however, was not so fortunate. While the athelas roused him from his swoon, his mood was still lugubrious and his strength remained fragile.

Merry: Whine, moan, bitch, complain, swoon, retch, whimper, snivel, repeat ad nauseum....

Galadriel: Fortunately, Gandalf the Newly Bleached was visiting Minas Tirith on secret wizard business and upon hearing of Meriadoc's plight came to the Houses of Healing to offer his aid.

Gandalf: Hmmm. Very interesting. I do seem to remember a set of verses having to do with this very malady.
Aragorn: Wonderful! What do they say?
Gandalf: Um…something, something, will heal this, something man-love something, eat of the seed of the red fruit and…Blast. I forget the rest.
Aragorn: [sighs] Wonderful. So...?
Gandalf: Well, it's quite obvious. Master Meriadoc must eat the seed of some red fruit.
Aragorn: Specifics, please? I mean, what fruit are we talking about here? Grapes? Strawberries? Pomegranates?

Galadriel: And then Legolas showed up.

Legolas: [prances up to Aragorn] Wheeee! Look at me! [twirls around showing off his rather eye melting red ensemble]
Aragorn: [tries to hide his eyes] Legolas, you look like a possessed tomato!
Legolas: [leers] I thought you liked tomatoes, morloth nin.
Aragorn: Stop calling me that, you poncy git!
Gandalf: That's it!
Aragorn: What is? [looks at Legolas with dawning comprehension] Gandalf, you can't be serious!
Gandalf: Elf-boy is fruity enough.
Aragorn: True.

Galadriel: And so the King and the Wizard brought their glad tidings to Meriadoc.

Merry: Good news?! How is this good news? No way am I sucking that nancy elf's --!
Gandalf: Ahem. Um, er, well, perhaps he could just 'polish his sword' and have you --
Merry: [retches]
Gandalf: Oh dear.
Aragorn: We'll find a way. Send for Legolas!

Galadriel: Word went out to the elf and soon Legolas Greenleaf was skipping up the stairs to the Houses of Healing. At the door he was met by Beregond, faithful and paranoid Guard of the Citadel.

Beregond: State your name and business.
Legolas: I am Legolas Greenleaf, son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood and the prettiest member of the Nine Walkers. I've 'come' to give Merry the 'seed' of my 'red fruit'. [winks]
Beregond: [glances at the elf's crotch] And what fruit would that be, then?
Legolas: Why, my 'curvy elvish blade', of course.
Beregond: [smirks] Then so be it, and so it shall remain.

Galadriel: Beregond bade the elf princeling enter, and Legolas capered and pirouetted down the corridor….

Legolas: I'll have you know I'm quite masculine!
Galadriel: Éowyn is manlier than you.
Legolas: Ooh, bitchy. Time of the month?
Galadriel: Celeborn?
Celeborn: At once, laurië tàri. [draws sword and roars]
Legolas: AAAAAAAAAAGH!! [faints]
Celeborn: I love my job.
Galadriel: [smiles] Thank you, meleth nin. To continue. Legolas strode in a 'masculine' manner down the corridor….
Celeborn: *snicker*
Galadriel: ...and arrived at Meriadoc's room where Aragorn and Gandalf were awaiting him. Seeing the sad condition of his hobbit friend he vowed to do whatever it took to heal him, no matter how embarrassing. Unfortunately Legolas chanced a look at Aragorn whereupon his body reacted in a most typical fashion. And then did not.

Legolas: *lusts*
Legolas' breeches: *riptear*
Everyone: What the fuck???

[Legolas looks down, emits girly scream, then faints]

Gandalf: That was unexpected.

Galadriel: It would seem that foul magic was afoot….
Beregond: *snicker*
Galadriel: ...for no sooner did Legolas describe his male member as a curvy elvish blade than it became so, ripping his awful crimson breeches in the process.


Legolas: I'll have to throw them out now.
Everyone: Hurray!!!
Legolas: *pout*

Galadriel: Aragorn and Gandalf were undecided as to what to do.

Gandalf: I don't know what to do.
Aragorn: I never would have guessed.

Galadriel: Good fortune was on their side, for Gimli son of Glóin had heard of his elf friend's penile disaster and was convinced he would be the better man…er, dwarf for the job. Gimli soon appeared at the door of the Houses of Healing where Beregond stood guard, as always.

Beregond: State your name and business.
Gimli: I am Gimli son of Glóin and have 'come' to give my friend Merry the 'seed' of my 'red fruit'. [winks]
Beregond: Oh, not that again. What red fruit would it be this time?
Gimli: Why, my 'Mighty Oak of Fangorn', of course!
Beregond: [smirks] Then so be it, and so it shall remain.

Galadriel: To sum up, Gimli fared little better than his friend. No sooner did Gimli reveal his 'Mighty Oak of Fangorn' than Meriadoc gave out a great cry:

Merry: I can't suck on that! I'll get a splinter!

[Gimli looks down, emits girly scream, and faints]

Galadriel: The Wizard and the King were at their wits' end….
Aragorn: We'd have to be to actually run with such a crackpot idea!
Galadriel: ...but again, fickle Fortune smiled upon them from above. A lone figure soon approached, another hobbit, and his name was Peregrin Took, son of the Thain of the Shire and presently a guard of the Citadel.

Pippin: And let's not forget Halfling With The Sexiest Uniform^TM.
Celeborn: Don't push your luck, hobbit boy.
Pippin: *gulp* [scampers away]
Celeborn: [mutters] Ernil i Pheriannath my ass.

Galadriel: Peregrin had been visiting the White Tree and had been delighted to find its branches weighed down with the reddest, juiciest apples he had ever purloined. Thinking his sick cousin would love to eat something other than greasy orc broth he filled his now bulging breeches with all the apples he could carry.

Pippin: [looks down at himself] Talk about false advertising! [giggles]

Galadriel: Now it was Peregrin's turn at the Houses of Healing.

Beregond: State your name and - heeeey! Master Peregrin! How's it hanging?
Pippin: [grins] To the left, as always.
Beregond: [laughs] Good to hear, good to hear. What brings you up here, man?
Pippin: Well, Gandalf told me earlier that Merry needed to eat the seeds of some kind of red fruit to get better, so I found some of his favourite apples for him. [reaches into his pants]
Beregond: [groans] Oh Valar….
Pippin: [pulls out an apple] See?
Beregond: [blinks] Oh. I, uh…. Well. So be it, and so shall it remain.
Pippin: Are you alright?
Beregond: [blushes] Fine, Master Peregrin. Off you go now.

Galadriel: Peregrin ran as fast as his short little legs could carry him and soon was bouncing annoyingly on his cousin Meriadoc's bed in the Houses of Healing.

Pippin: Merry! Merry! Merry! Merry! Merry!
Merry: Oi, Pip! Cut it out!
Pippin: I've brought you some apples, Merry, to help you get well.
Merry: Apples? [beams] Oh these look wonderful, Pip. Thank you! [takes a big bite] Mmm, delicious! Wherever did you find them? [eats more]
Pippin: Well, there's this old white tree up at the top of the Citadel that was just covered in them.
Aragorn: The White Tree, did you say?
Pippin: Um, yes. [looks worried] They aren't poisonous, are they?
Gandalf: [grins] No, no they're not. Um, Aragorn and I will be going now.
Aragorn: [smirks] Yes, I suppose we'd better.
Pippin: But I just got here!
Aragorn: [holds back laughter] We'll see you later! [runs out]
Pippin: What's on with them?
Merry: No idea. Give me another apple, will you?

Galadriel: Meriadoc's health improved immediately as the two hobbits partook of the delectable apples. It was not long before the other wondrous property of the Fruit of the King's Tree…
Aragorn: *snicker*
Galadriel: Shut up. Before the other wondrous property of the Fruit of the King's Tree began to show itself.

Merry: I'm feeling a little hot.
Pippin: Feverish? [puts his hand on Merry's forehead]
Merry: Yes, a little. [nuzzles Pippin's hand]
Pippin: Maybe… maybe you could take off some of those clothes. To, you know…cool off.
Merry: Um, yes, yes, I could do that. [removes night shirt] What about you?
Pippin: [stares] What?
Merry: Is a 'Pippin' a red fruit?
Pippin: [grins wickedly] Maybe….

[Merry dives for Pippin, who, after a while, emits girly scream and faints.]

Galadriel: And so, in the waning of that glorious afternoon, Meriadoc did love Peregrin with his mouth and lo! He did eat of his seed and was completely healed.

Merry: [licks his lips] Gandalf was right. I feel so much better.
Pippin: [dazed] Me, too. Can we do that again?
Aragorn: [whispers] I still think it was the apples.
Gandalf: Hush. I'm trying to watch.

Galadriel: The two hobbits did spend many years frolicking in the fields and meadows surrounding Minas Tirith, and in the hills of the Westfold of Rohan, and in the hidden groves of Rivendell, and…
Merry: You would know this how, exactly?
Galadriel: Um….
Merry: You pervert.

Galadriel: But now, a greater peril was coming in from the East, and it was, by edict of the King Elessar, that it be their doom to find a ship that could sail faster on land than on water, and to pluck a magical feather from the tail of that fell beast, the legendary Griffin….

Merry: Actually, we got our stunt doubles to do all that. Fancy another sip of ale, Pippin?
Pippin: Mmm, I'd love some. [licks ale out of Merry's navel]
Merry: Oh, yes, that's good.
Pippin: [nuzzles lower] What a lovely 'pipe' you have, my Merry. It fits ever so well in my mouth….
Merry: Oh, fuck….

Galadriel: Thusly ends the tale of Meriadoc the Magnificent and how he was healed by his perky cousin Peregrin Took in a manner most unusual yet oddly…compelling….

Merry and Pippin: GO AWAY, YOU PERVY ELF WENCH!!

-END-

(thank the Valar!)

---

Elvish Words and Phrases (more or less….)
Q = Quenya (High Elven)
S = Sindarin (Grey Elven)
R = language of the Rohirrim (based on Old English)

Ai! Varda na naugrimdil! - Alas! Varda is a dwarf lover! Q
Nalye saur! - Thou art abhorrent! Q
Éw, grossë! - Ew, gross! (No, this is not real Quenya LOL)
Undulávë lambe nin! - Down-lick my tongue! Q
Vanawen - beautiful lady Q
perian - hobbit, halfling S
Vanimelda - fair-love Q
Elessar - Elfstone Q
Ælfstan - Elfstone R
Laurië tàri - golden queen Q
Meleth nin - my love S
Morloth nin - my dark blossom S
Ernil i Pheriannath - Prince of the Halflings S (Pippin is actually called this by the people of Minas Tirith in the book. Yes, we're confused, too. LOL)