Headlines out of Fandom_Wank!

wankprophet notes a startling new discovery:

Scientist Discover Wank Is Matter, Warn of Dangers

EREWHON, SHANGRI-LA -- Scientists at the Acadamie de Fandom Wank announced yesterday that they have discovered that wank, long thought to be simply a variant of the so-called "stupidity singularity," is actually matter. This announcement came on the heels of the University of Aucklan's discovery that certain Lord of the Rings fans existed in what was termed a "sploogetastic sixth dimension" in which time and space are not simply curved, but actually warped by the overabundance of the element tin, and of Duke University's Parapsychology lab's discovery that certain HP fangirls can actually read the mind of J.K. Rowling, thus demonstrating conclusively that she was entirely mistaken about what she meant by what she wrote.

"We had long considered the "Wank-Is-Matter" hypothesis," said Sagralisse, head of the Biological Warfare Labs at the Acadamie, "but never managed to isolate it under laboratory conditions. Over in the Jurisimprudential Offices, many attempts to clarify the conditions brought us frustratingly close, but never managed to bridge the crucial divide that separates wank from reality."

Several troubling issues accompany this discovery, say unnamed sources at the Acadamie. Initially, positive results predominated the press releases. "If Wank is Matter," said Snacky, a member of the Board of Regents, "then we can finally perhaps isolate the legendary humor gene because we now have a concrete, empirical source of what we scientific snarkers refer to as, technically speaking, 'hilarity' [genus laffus mi ass offus]. We may finally be able to demonstrate once and for all why Carrot Top isn't funny rather than resorting to ad hominem analysis." Furthermore, some scientists claim that wank could possibly be the perfect fuel source. Recent observations in HP fen have uncovered tantalizing hints that wank is a perpetual motion machine, and investigations into the possiblity of transferring matter to energy reveals that there is an almost perfect 100% conversion rate. Certain Draco wanks, for instance, show that splooge acts in a manner not unlike the "Blob" of the famous B-movie. It devours all sentience, fueling a mindless mass of protoplasmic goo not unlike the substance used -- uncoincidentally -- in the hair of the movie version of Draco and the vampire Spike of Buffy and Angel fame.

"It's uncanny," said noted Bitter Bitch, Phosfate. "Wank, rather than eventually dying out, appears to feed on itself, and actually grows stronger over time. A recent Cassie Claire wank on Fandom_Wank actually created foreign particles, all of which have been named 'Anonymous' until we can isolate them and study their chemical makeup to discover if they have any distinguishing traits besides sheer wankery." Hugsnkisses, on the faculty of the British adjunct campus of the Acadamie, adds, "Everyone knows that matter is energy, as explicated by Einstein in his famous 'e=mc2'. So if we can find a particular sources of matter --- scanlations, Victoria Bitter, George Bush -- that appear to give off much more wank than their physical matter is capable of, we may indeed find the Holy Grail of Eternal Humor, from which we may quaff mock-worthy energy forever. I know it sounds a little mystical, but wank has always existed outside the fringes of the normal, sane world that we live in."

However, the pessimists observe, wank could prove to be very dangerous. "Much of the universe is made of the so-called 'dark matter'," observed Deoridhe. "Though we could never identify it precisely, until now, we've assumed it to be harmless. But what if that matter is pure wank? If this is the case, then we could be looking at a critical mass of wankery, a massive Wankasm that collapses upon itself." Others point to the idea that a real-life Lex Luthor could possible harness wank as a form of Kryptonite against the heroic mockers of Fandom_Wank, who have bravely fought the tide of stupidity by ceaselessly pointing and laughing.

These alternatives -- universal Wankasm or Evil Wanklords -- have given some thinkers pause, but most dismiss these theories as fringe lunacy. eljuno, head of the Music Appreciation and Mockery Department, observes that "In our lifetimes, wank has increased 2 million-fold, but has become increasingly focused in really silly stuff, like anime dubbing. I'm not going to start worrying about whether big-eyed waifs speaking bad English are going to splooge the entire universe. I have enough problems figuring out why m/m is called slash now, even though m/f also has a slash in it. My book on that question is due out in December, by the way"

Sajasma, a former Wank activists and one of the signature singers at Wankapalooza during the Summer of Splooge, 2003, did not return calls, but did release a short statement saying she approved, though she didn't clarify what exactly it was she was approving of.

--from this thread.