Okay. I have stumbled over this delicious bit of wank and haven't been able to stop reading. Apparently, a few years ago, a poster identifying himself as John Titor, or "timetravel_0" started posting on the Internet. He claimed to be from the year 2036, and was coming back to -- if I understand this right -- get a unix machine from the IBM 5100 series. Or something. He then began talking about inevitable civil war (look at the link given, and check the "predictions" on the left sidebar) and nuclear holocaust and multiple worlds theory, and then offered up a guideline for averting disaster straight from a Green Party pamphlet. In other words, some decent ideas, but still rather transparently polemical. He provided pictures and diagrams of his time machine to awe the masses. Four months later, he disappeared, saying that he was returning to his own time.

Predictably, people believed him. Or passionately disbelieved him After stumbling over the johntitor website, I idly clicked a couple of links, and ended up on a discussion forum devoted to time-travel. It seemed impossible that there wouldn't be wank. And sure enough, I found several cases. I finally settled on one in particular that amused me, though nosing around some will reveal many others to laugh at.

One "TimeTravel_1" posts to the TimeTravel Institute boards: Three days ago John Titor died. In his final words he asked that the "Time Travel Institue" from the year 2036 (2000-2001 your time) be notified of his death and told this. The Unix problem had been fixed and that his mission was a total success. John also asked that you be told that he would need someone who would follow an order till he or she died to seek him out. In this world John is only 6 currently. I cannot disclose where exactly he lives but if you find out, when the wars come very soon you will have a place of safe being. Let this be known to all.

Dolph Acimsli


The flurry is almost immediate:

explorer: Where is his funeral to be held? .Which timeline or parallel universe, and can the general public go....
TimeTravel_1: His funeral will not be a secret. It is being held in our own timeline in the area known as "The Everglades" in your current time. If you can get to the timeline you are more then welcome to come. The coordinates are 25/22/13 N (Latitude) 81/02/46 W (Longitude) In what is now known as Graveyard Creek. It will be held in 4 days at 5:30 p.m. followed by a small service afterwords. Please join us anyone who can time travel. If you can't keep the date saved untill then.
frequency: how the heck do you know this? From where did you recieve the report of his death?
TimeTravel_1, already starting to lose coherency: I was one of Johns friends in the military. I was instructed to follow out one of his wishes that this forums be notified of his death. I was chosen because John was a friend not for any other reasons.
frequency shoots back: Wait a second, so you mean to tell me that you're another time traveler from 2036?
TimeTraver_1: Exactly

Keven: why did you come now? why didn't you come years ago? like right after the titor stories started? why is john being burried in the everglades?
Drak: How did you get back to THIS timeline TT1?
TimeTravel_1: Keven: I came now because it was Johns death wish to have this forum notified. I didnt come years ago because he only died 4 days ago. John is being buried there because in my own timeline that is where the national military cemetary is currently located.
Drak: I came through a timemachine of course.

Drak asks the obvious question: But you have a time machine, you could have came back to our 2001 after he left and told us this. He died 4 days ago in 2036. Kevens question was why didn't you come back to OUR 2001 instead of our 2004?

Then TheSadOne starts in, and manages to somehow sound like an idiot even as he's being skeptical: If he's dead, then I guess someone, maybe you, wouldn't mind posting a picture of his drivers lisence or something that would allow me to validate his existence? I got an Uncle who's a cop and a real close friend who's a judge, I'm sure they wouldn't mind running up the numbers. Then, I would only believe that such a person named JT existed... of course, I would then know where his 'child' self lived... and a DNA test would easily be done, to see if the body and the kid had exact DNA matches... that last part with DNA won't happen, but it would still be a surefire way to prove it wrong.

Yeah, post some form of ID and i'll check up on it, that'll convince me.
By the way, who gets buried in a swamp... and why would they want to?

Er...they can run the numbers on an ID from 30 years in the future? Or does he mean that 6 year old kid?

Drak: Care to give me a ride to the future to attend the funeral? And then back of course.
TheSadOne: Yeah, I'd love to go to the funeral, one small problem, no time machine...You give me an email, and I'll give you a time and place to meet, I'm not afraid of wackos with knives. Or better yet, I'll give you my email and you can Email me where we can meet, since you obviously have a working time machine, it wouldn't really matter when we leave right? Because we could always just go to the day of the funeral, then right back (pretty much). Right?
Keven then proposes a rather, er, inelegant solution: how about this, one of us goes out and gets a tatto of the exact place that titor will be burried and then goes there when the time is right, then comes back in time to tell us about it? And since i'm the youngest and will for surely live to see 2036, assumeing i'm not killed in the war i'll be the likly choice, but I don't want a tatto so some one else do it
The usual assortment of "er...and..?" statements come out. Futureman, who is apparently the competition observes that If you would do some simple thinking you would realize that this person calling himself TimeTravel_1 has never traveled in time. Indeed, the person who represented himself as John Titor was not the actual John Titor. Whoever it was had some genuine equipment but also clearly had never traveled in time.It is all quite simple to see if one thinks clearly for even only a moment or two.

darkbutterfly2 gets peeved at Rainman Time: Dolph may be an imposter, but you seem rather egocentric and know-it-all yourself, sir. You think that you are capable of EDUCATING EVERYONE in the matters of time travel? Of SAVING US? And what exactly, may I inquire, do you know that makes you the expert that will lead us all to the promise land of enlightenment? Guess you're not going to save us today, Mr. Megalomaniac. By the way, when you're trying to burn someone for being illiterate, you must spell your whole message correctly or else you will end up making a complete fool of yourself. Apparently is spelled A-P-P-A-R-E-N-T-L-Y, not A-P-P-A-R-A-N-T-L-Y as you put it. And I think Bush's "No Child Left Behind" is working quite fine if I am correcting you on such a simple word. Especially since I am so young. And, even if a make a few grammatical errors occasionally, at least I am able to humbly admit it. I don't mean to insult you. I only mean to wake you up from your power trip. Have a nice day.

The Kennedy family finally gets targetted for outright war:
Cloveious: This Nuclear Civil war holocaust sounds pretty sweet, Is this a north vs South thing again? or Everybody vs the Left Coast, because who doesn't hate the left coast, stinking liberals. And seriously if i was a time traveler, I would go to a more fun time like the 1980's who doesn't love the 1980's

Then TimeTravel_0 ne TimeTravel_1 makes a shocking -- yes, shocking -- confession: TimeTravel_0: I guess I should come clean. Yes I am TimeTravel_0. I was hoping to put this mystery to rest and stop all this madness you people have gone through to try to prove or disprove my existence. My real name is Samson Rodriguez. It all started as an elaborate hoax that me and my friends thought up. I am only in college and would like to apoligize to all of you who have defended me as a real person. My "time machine" was nothing more then a few junk items we found in a trash dump where we found all our supplies for the hoax. Again I apoligize for all the work you have put into this and thank you again.

Signing off one last time,
John Titor

creedo299, however, apparently decides that now the "time-traveler" must be lying and has to prove he isn't really from the future.
Not so fast Time Traveler O and Time Traveler 1, there are a few issues that you've got to explain.
One, what is the hand held remote, which is pictured at the end of the coiled telephone-like wire, leading into the said G.E. time displament unit.
We should be able to locate this piece of merchandise, if we look for it on the web or via catalogs?
Two, in the both said Steven and Ardon Krep disclosures, it was said that hand held units were now used for time travel.
Was there coercion between the said Krep plot and the Steven plot?
Also where on Earth did said Steven know about Maxwellian after waves

Apparently, someone's been making dirty calls to creedo299: And no, I've never harassed anyone's household, via phone call hang-ups when they have sick people in it. Anyone who would do that, has to be really, really, sick.

RainmanTime replies: ... if by mentioning this you are insinuating it was me, I'd encourage you to fully investigate me. If you think I would jeapordize my career to harass you, or anyone, you laughingly miscalculating who you think I am. Creedo, it is easy for you to find plenty of info on me online, so if you want to point the cops at me, go ahead. The record will show I have never made a call to any phone number you may possess.

Post away to your heart's content! I am in no way trying to limit you. But I am just as free to make sarcastic remarks for some of the wild things you post. I mean no harm, but like I say, when you are pitching such hittable material, it's hard not to swing the bat.

Then credo299 references F_W (he can claim otherwise, but I'm onto the conspiracy): By the way, it's all over the web about the cabalist and the heavy hand. What could they possably want here?There is no objective.

Then jamesanthony exposes the true depths of the hoax: There are one or two problems with your confession. Titor used the callsign 'timetravel_0' and not 'TimeTravel_0'. Damn those wascally capitalized letters!

RainmanTime then dares the question of the cabal: URL's, please? I'd be interested in meeting other people who understand the part the TOL will play in the integration of science and spirituality. Rumor has it that said Jesus Christ was a Qabalist Perhaps we should send him a link?

Finally, someone makes the obvious statement: I really don't think this was JT. If it is - one wide shot picture of the car, passenger door open, with the time machine in it could go a very long way to putting this all to rest. Oh! great - now I want evidence from the hoaxter's possible hoaxter!??!? I need a drink!

Finally, there's this beautiful post that makes me want to snuggle with USA 1 B.

Oh, this is beautiful stuff. But, then, what would one expect from the discussion boards of something called the Time Travel Institute?