RL College Email Wank
Now, this isn't an online wank, which is unusual for this community. But its beauty just had to be shared.



Ok, people, it's official. I go to school with people that have WAY too much time and money on their hands. It's insane. We have elections for Student Assembly President yesterday, but we still don't know the results due to a completely ridiculous chain of events.

First: About a week ago, one of the openly gay students (Jason) on campus sent out an email to the College Democrats and Gay/Straight Alliance listservs. In the email, he details how Alex, one of the candidates, has called him "nigger" and "faggot" to his face several times before, and that everyone should maybe think twice about electing someone with such obvious prejudices, especially because the president has full control over funding of student groups.

Many people forward the email to others, of course. That's the way a tiny college works.

Next: Alex responds, sending an email to everyone on the listervs, saying that Jason's email is unfair. The incident referenced was during Alex's freshman year, and Alex was very drunk. He also forwarded copies of his apology that he sent to Jason.

Jason and several other Gay/Straight Alliance members reply that this isn't an isolated incident and Alex has made other very derogatory remarks as well in the past. Of course, the shit hits the fan.

Many different people feel the need to weigh in with their own opinion of Alex, whether it be positive of negative. Positively flooded my inbox.

THE BEST PART: LAWYERS get involved. Turns out Alex's daddy has a law firm. Jason gets this letter, (names have been edited, obviously):

*********************
Dear Mr. Jason:

Please be advised that this law firm represents Alex in all matters pertaining to your dissemination of potentially slanderous and defamatory material which dissemination has occurred not only in the Hamilton College community but throughout the United States. We are advised that you have commenced a campaign of emailing people on the Hamilton College Democrats List Serve and have allegedly accused Mr. Alex of being a racist, a homophobe and a promoter of hate speech. Mr. Alex categorically denies each and every one of these allegations. You are specifically advised that Mr. Alex is not a public figure and therefore, in our opinion, your dissemination of this defamatory material would not be protected as a matter of law.

As you are well aware, Alex is running for position as president of the student body at Hamilton College which election is set to commence at 12:01 a.m. on December 7, 2004. This law firm is currently investigating all of the facts and circumstances surrounding your activities and ultimately a determination will be made as to how this law firm will proceed to protect the rights of its client. As this investigation ensues, please accept this letter as a formal demand to immediately CEASE and DESIST this slanderous campaign and further, this letter shall also serve as a demand for your immediate retraction of these defamatory utterances. Your failure to take these actions may serve to exacerbate the damages that Alex has sustained and will sustain as a direct and proximate result of the actions that you have taken.

The legal opinions expressed in this letter are that of the undersigned and you are urged to seek the advice of independent counsel in order to guide you in your actions.




This is a serious matter and you are urged to give it the due and utmost attention that it most assuredly requires.

Finally, in as much as Alex is represented by counsel, you are directed to communicate with the undersigned with respect to any aspect of this matter.



Very truly yours,



**** S. Adler
*****************************

Jason, being intelligent, gets his own lawywer to send a (deliciously snarky) letter to both Alex and his attorney. Jason then fowards both letters to half the Student Body. Jason's attorney's letter is actually hilarious, and gets very much into Red vs. Blue States. It's the election all over again. i might just have to hire this guy as my lawyer.

Jason's attorney's letter:


*********************
Dear Mr. Adler:

I represent Mr. Jason with regard to the allegations and demands in your letter to him dated today.

Alex is very fortunate to have the resources of **** law firm in Atlanta behind him in his bid for Student Assembly President at Hamilton College here in New York. Lawyers do seem to play an increasingly important role in the political process, even now at the college level.

I must respectfully disagree however with the advice you say that your firm has given to young Mr. Alex. In voluntarily putting himself forward as a candidate for President of the Student Assembly, Mr. Alex is assuredly a public figure, especially within the confines of the Hamilton College community as he campaigns for this office, the highest student political office at the College. Many great careers have begun at this level. Richard Nixon, for example, began by running for student body president at Whittier College, on a platform of allowing dancing. Indeed, speaking personally and being very fond of dancing myself, this was the high point of Mr. Nixon’s long career.

Mr. Jason’s email of December 6 certainly questions whether Mr. Alex’s conduct and views are appropriate for a Student Assembly President at Hamilton, or whether a candidate with a different record and different views would be preferable. Your client having chosen to run for this office, it is inconceivable the email would be judged by any standard other than those applicable to statements concerning public figures. If you have actually advised Mr. Alex that he has some privilege against such criticism as he campaigns for office, you are very seriously mistaken as to the applicable law.

In any event, I have reviewed the statements about your client expressed by Mr. Alex in his email, and we stand by those statements as true, except that your client’s apology email was sent after the first instance of hate speech by your client, and not after the third such incident. It is entirely appropriate that Mr. Jason bring the truth concerning Mr. Alex’s hateful statements to the attention of the student electorate during the campaign, and to college authorities charged with enforcing Hamilton College’s code of conduct, which specifically prohibits “verbal or physical conduct that (1) threatens, insults, demeans or abuses a person (2) because of his or her race, color, religion, ethnic origin, sex, sexual and affectional orientation or associations, or mental or physical disabilities, and (3) unreasonably interferes with the person’s work or academic performance and/or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive working, educational, or social environment.”

Mr. Alex’s email was addressed only to students on the Hamilton campus and was only sent within the State of New York. If Mr. Alex or others have forwarded these emails elsewhere, this is not Mr. Jason’s responsibility. I regret the State of Georgia may be somewhat laggard in this regard, but let me assure you that we do not tolerate racism or homophobia here in the State of New York. Unlike Georgia, we have state laws against hate crimes and against discrimination based upon sexual orientation. While your client’s use of the words “nigger” and “faggot” may have First Amendment protection, Mr. Jason surely retains his First Amendment right to criticize your client for his use of those hateful words. I see no legal reason why he should be intimidated by your letter to “cease and desist” from legitimate and truthful criticism.

While I appreciate the desire of Mr. Alex’s family to assist his nascent political career, they might better invest in some counseling to help Mr. Alex deal with the underlying attitudes that led to his hateful remarks, and with any alcohol problem that may have fueled those statements. With the help and support of his family, I hope Mr. Alex can overcome these problems and eventually become one of the leaders this country needs in combating the racism and homophobia that have seriously marred some recent elections. From what my client and his witnesses report, Mr. Alex has a long way to go.

Sincerely,



***** C. Moss

************************

Freaking LAWYERS dealing with a college student election.

But the very, very best part: The election has been contested, because Alex was handing out personlized shot glasses to "potential voters" during his campaign. Which, it turns out, is prohibited under Student Assembly election rules.





This has been one of the most entertaining weeks of my life.




And.....





Edit


The school paper had six different articles on the wank today. Sadly, they were all poorly written and not worth quoting. Nothing lives up to snarky lawyers.

So, it turns out that the election was contested on three charges:

1)Alex contested on account of the email
2)Shotglass distribution
3)Alex's vice-president supposedly promising more funding to specific organizations in return for votes

All of the charges were dropped, and they counted the votes. Alex didn't win. And the kid that won is awesome and LOOKS JUST LIKE HARRY POTTER. So all is right with the world.