Class, Meet John, aka cyclotouriste. John is 55 (or 53, depending) a world traveler, and an avid cyclist having bicycled 30,000 miles through nineteen countries, and according to his online CV (now suspended but fortunately he published his theories other places):
"...at the time I had been elected to the board of directors at the Martin County literacy Council, Barbara Bush (who was wife to President George H.W. Bush, and who was first lady of the United States) was a member there and a supporter of that organization....I am a survivor of the worst railroad disaster in the history of Ireland (August 1, 1980). I was at the release of the American hostages from Iran where I met President Jimmy Carter and Secretary of State of the US, Edmund Muskey. In 1997, while teaching at a college in South Korea, I discovered plans to attack the World Trade Center and the pentagon using commandeered, fuel-laden aircraft, and had told well over 100 people about it in detail in the years before it happened. Of this last statement I do have evidence and proof. My international experiences are more than stated here."


...Anyone want to guess why John can’t get laid? Or why people don't like cycling with John? His post to the lonely planet might offer a clue:

Be everything as it may, this transcontinental, international cyclotouriste is navigating to locate a good companion for an extended bicycling tour. Good is defined as---female, healthy, cyclist, with a sense of bold adventure, and the willingness to be compatable on an extended world tour with yours truly...

The fine folks at the board are amused, but suggest cyclotouriste mention he’s MALE in his ad so that any women who no longer get a thrill from dating inmates and want to up the crazy factor interested in responding to his ad would know he is a “he”. This is apparently patently offensive in JohnWorld, where women don’t have sex with other women, and he’s off –

Of course I am a male. Why the negative comments? Looking for a cycling companion of the opposite sex is perfectly normal, healthy, and legal. Besides, if you are not answering the post, why are you posting here on this message? Not noble and platonic? How old are you? Grow up. I would really appreciate it if you would get off and stay off this thread, please.

That’s probably the last saneish thing to come out of cyclotouriste, because after board members suggest he post his ad to the section of the board specifically meant for horny old men to try and convince random strangers to have the sex with them hook-ups, he looses his shit.

For three pages.

John manages to demonstrate quite effectively why he has trouble getting dates from anyone who knows him he’s trawling the board to get some.

Highlights include threats:

Yes there are, and I strongly suggest you avoid crossing my path for the rest of your days. Better yet, I strongly suggest you do not let me discover your real identity and location, and that if I do, you are far enough away that it is too much trouble to confront you in person.

Caps O Rage

FUCK YOU. DELETE MY POST YOU FUCKING COWARDS

FROM NOW ON THIS IS THE ONLY KIND OF ANSWER YOU WILL BE GETTING FROM ME.

FUCK YOU YOU GODDAMN NO GOOD LIARS. COME ON CHICKENSHITS. INTERFERE WITH ME FACE TO FACE YOU GODDAMN COWARDS.

YOU ASK FOR LOCATIONS BECAUSE WHEN YOU START SOMETHING WITH SOMEONE YOU MAKE SURE YOU ARE AT A DISTANCE. YOU DAMN SURE BETTER STAY AT A DISTANCE TOO YOU NO GOOD SONS OF WHORES.
I AM FED UP TO HERE WITH NO GOOD BASTARDS LIKE YOU ALL. FUCK OFF. ERASE MY POST. YOU HAD BETTER DO IT OR ELSE YOU HAD BETTER STEER CLEAR OF ME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TOO.

and some random mention of Aussie hostages in iraq, elementary Latin, until the board takes over - its like fandom wank, if the wankees voluntarily submitted themselves for mockery.

But yanno ladies, maybe we can get someone to take one for the team and have sex with this guy. After all he predicted 9 - 11

*I'd like to note that the fact that I'm posting wank about horny men on the internet on wankprophet's birthday is a complete coincidence