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w**k is a four-letter word ([info]esorlehcar) wrote in [info]otf_wank,
@ 2006-03-04 00:49:00


Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Nothing like nutjob fundamentalist homophobes to brighten your day!

How the Homosexuals Stole My Child's Innocence

Ever since my sister Janice graduated from Harvard Business School and landed a job on Wall Street last year, she’s been on my case about bringing the family out to New York for a visit. Over the kids’ Christmas break, we finally got the opportunity, so we loaded into the minivan and the Hoard Clan was on its way to the Big City.

If only I had known what was going to happen there, we never would have gone. I’ve always considered New York a center of licentiousness and depravity, but my hope was that the Christmas spirit would cancel that out. It may seem strange to be talking about this in February, but the events I’m about to recall have been so traumatic that it’s taken me two months to work up the strength to write about them.

It was Dec. 29, 2004, my youngest son Jack’s sixth birthday. (He was born two months premature, so we call him the Christmas Miracle.) We wanted to do something special for Jack, and it just happened that there was a Sesame Street on Ice performance at Madison Square Garden.

It was unseasonably warm, so we thought it would be fun to walk part of the way from my sister’s place in downtown Manhattan. We walked north on Seventh Avenue, and the kids were having the time of their life. But then we entered the Chelsea District, and my heart sank as I looked around. In nearly every window of every shop and apartment building — literally every way I turned — there was a rainbow flag hanging. My wife and I looked at each other, just praying the kids would not ask about them.

No sooner than that, Jack was tugging on my sleeve. “Daddy,” he asked. “How come those two men are holding hands?” I looked up and saw what he was pointing at. Two twenty-something males were walking toward us, hand-in-hand. I was at a loss for words. We hurried the kids into a taxi and rode the rest of the way in silence. I was 23 years old before I saw my first homosexual, and here was my youngest son, already confronted with two of them at the age of six.

After the Sesame Street on Ice performance, we went back to my sister’s apartment. I sat Jack on the couch and knelt down in front of him. I’ve always felt it’s best to be honest with my children, so I laid it all out for him. I told him what homosexuality is, and that it is an abomination in the eyes of God. I told him about how homosexuality started in the summer of 1967, when the hippies decided to challenge the natural order that God established at the beginning of time. I told him that the two men he saw holding hands were sinners. I even told him about how the liberals were trying to force the homosexual agenda on America and redefine marriage, one of the most sacred institutions God ever devised.

Jack sat there silently for a few minutes, and then tears formed in his eyes. As they rolled down his cheeks, he looked up at me and said, “Daddy, are those two men going to hell?” I nodded. “Should I pray for them?” he asked.

The question caught me so completely off guard that I began to cry myself. I hugged my son tightly and told him, “Yes, Jack. Pray as hard as you can.” I had never been so proud of one of my children.

It’s funny how you try so hard to teach your children the right thing to do, and sometimes they’re the ones who end up teaching you. I realized that my heart had hardened on the homosexuals. We shouldn’t scorn them or try to cast them out of society. We should pray for them. Only with God’s help can they learn the error of their ways and get their lives back on track.

And so I hope and pray that we as a nation can find the strength to help those who are suffering from homosexuality. In these uncertain times, we need to look to the Bible and follow Jesus’s example. I am reminded of how Jesus did not shun those who were stricken with disease and poverty. Jesus loved even the most reviled of his people. Instead of turning his back on the lepers, He lived among them. He prayed for them and healed them. And now, over 2,000 years later, I pray that we as a nation can do the same for the homosexuals.


I think my favorite bit is the assertion that homosexuality was started by hippies in 1967.



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[info]eilan
2006-03-04 09:58 am UTC (link)
I told him about how homosexuality started in the summer of 1967, when the hippies decided to challenge the natural order that God established at the beginning of time.

Yeah, that's my favourite, too.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]frequentmouse, 2006-03-04 06:55 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]kijikun, 2006-03-04 08:39 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]frequentmouse, 2006-03-04 10:01 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]julian_black, 2006-03-04 10:36 pm UTC
(no subject) - jenova, 2006-03-05 12:48 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]doroc_sabah, 2006-03-05 01:13 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]annabelle_lee, 2006-03-05 09:49 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]selene_avis, 2006-03-05 09:03 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]faemageforsaken, 2006-03-06 08:22 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]ladygoddess, 2006-03-06 04:29 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]azawakh, 2006-03-05 01:28 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]panthea, 2006-03-05 06:17 am UTC

[info]mmanurere
2006-03-04 10:16 am UTC (link)
Judging from his other opinion pieces? Definitely satire (he's written a pro-marriage-equality article or two), but just subtle enough that I'm sure wank will materialize somewhere over the misunderstanding.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]esorlehcar, 2006-03-04 10:21 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]miss_padfoot, 2006-03-04 10:42 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]khym_chanur, 2006-03-04 01:10 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]frequentmouse, 2006-03-04 06:57 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]goldberry, 2006-03-04 08:28 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-04 10:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]suziecroft, 2006-03-04 10:51 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]frequentmouse, 2006-03-04 10:55 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]suziecroft, 2006-03-04 10:59 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]goldberry, 2006-03-04 11:41 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]ahiru, 2006-03-05 04:14 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]mathilde, 2006-03-05 02:46 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]justicepeckham, 2006-03-05 11:48 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]symbeline, 2006-03-04 07:17 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]mmanurere, 2006-03-04 08:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-04 10:45 pm UTC
(no subject) - verthandi, 2006-03-05 01:09 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]miss_padfoot, 2006-03-05 05:07 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]amasaglajax, 2006-03-05 08:19 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-06 07:20 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]darthfi, 2006-03-04 10:27 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]b_jellybean, 2006-03-04 03:17 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]jetwolf, 2006-03-04 04:31 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]b_jellybean, 2006-03-04 04:35 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]singe, 2006-03-04 05:06 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]frequentmouse, 2006-03-04 07:52 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]singe, 2006-03-05 12:54 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]frequentmouse, 2006-03-05 04:10 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]hickorydickory, 2006-03-04 08:39 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]singe, 2006-03-05 12:43 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]mmanurere, 2006-03-04 08:47 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]singe, 2006-03-05 12:33 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]azawakh, 2006-03-05 01:35 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]singe, 2006-03-05 02:42 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]miss_padfoot, 2006-03-05 02:52 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]marlo, 2006-03-06 07:43 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]singe, 2006-03-05 12:42 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]loony666, 2006-03-05 07:32 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]singe, 2006-03-05 04:46 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]marlo, 2006-03-06 07:43 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]randomsome1, 2006-03-07 01:16 am UTC
go blue! - [info]daylightsparks, 2006-03-04 07:45 pm UTC
Hail to the victors! - [info]b_jellybean, 2006-03-04 10:27 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]mouseykins, 2006-03-04 07:39 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]hickorydickory, 2006-03-04 08:39 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]marlo, 2006-03-06 07:40 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]hanncoll, 2006-03-04 07:54 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]rosehiptea, 2006-03-05 03:14 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]elemcee, 2006-03-05 07:17 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]shakeandbake, 2006-03-06 06:10 am UTC
Satire or not, I need to take a crack at this ...
[info]aerobot
2006-03-04 11:06 am UTC (link)
I was 23 years old before I saw my first homosexual, and here was my youngest son, already confronted with two of them at the age of six.

Damn, don't you just hate it when you're outside in public and you see other human beings? Doesn't that just suck?

I told him about how homosexuality started in the summer of 1967, when the hippies decided to challenge the natural order that God established at the beginning of time.

DAMN HIPPIES!!

I told him that the two men he saw holding hands were sinners.

Wow, now they can join the club! Everyone's in it!

We shouldn’t scorn them or try to cast them out of society.

Since, y'know, that's never stopped anyone being gay.

I am reminded of how Jesus did not shun those who were stricken with disease and poverty. Jesus loved even the most reviled of his people.

That's because society reviled them for totally unfair reasons. Kinda like what you're doing.

(Reply to this)


[info]firebad
2006-03-04 12:14 pm UTC (link)
And so I hope and pray that we as a nation can find the strength to help those who are suffering from homosexuality.

Ahaha. Dude, I'm not suffering. In fact, I bet I'm having way better sex than you.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]seiberwing, 2006-03-04 04:33 pm UTC

[info]doomsday
2006-03-04 12:15 pm UTC (link)
For such a Bible thumper, you'd think he'd know about the whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing. I'm pretty sure that happened pre-1967.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]selene_avis, 2006-03-04 05:52 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]goldberry, 2006-03-04 06:32 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]selene_avis, 2006-03-04 10:29 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]mouseykins, 2006-03-04 11:20 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]selene_avis, 2006-03-05 12:32 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]goldberry, 2006-03-04 11:35 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]selene_avis, 2006-03-05 12:33 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]goldberry, 2006-03-05 03:03 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]westmoon, 2006-03-05 06:42 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]mouseykins, 2006-03-04 07:40 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]selene_avis, 2006-03-04 10:29 pm UTC
(no subject) - dracothelizard, 2006-03-04 08:52 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]amxjm, 2006-03-04 10:08 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]randomsome1, 2006-03-07 01:17 am UTC

[info]indis_earfalas
2006-03-04 03:26 pm UTC (link)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I really, really, really hope that IS satire ... because I giggled my entire way through that.

Nice touch though, about Jesus living among the lepers blah blah, because SO many Christian's I know seem to forget about "Judge Not" and "He who is without sin" ...

Hehehehe.

(Reply to this)


[info]seiberwing
2006-03-04 04:32 pm UTC (link)
It’s funny how you try so hard to teach your children the right thing to do, and sometimes they’re the ones who end up teaching you. I realized that my heart had hardened on the homosexuals. We shouldn’t scorn them or try to cast them out of society. We should pray for them.

If they were talking about drug users or something like that, it would actually be a pretty nice story. The kid at least knows better than to pull a Phelps and picket the funerals of homophobia hate crimes.

By the way, does he know that in certain Arab cultures, it is perfectly normal and platonic for men to hold hands?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-04 10:50 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]seiberwing, 2006-03-04 11:30 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]nicolae, 2006-03-05 06:37 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-06 07:19 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]elemcee, 2006-03-05 07:32 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-06 06:57 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]amxjm, 2006-03-05 06:52 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]ringbark, 2006-03-06 07:44 pm UTC

[info]smo
2006-03-04 04:36 pm UTC (link)
I was 23 years old before I saw my first homosexual.

Was he in his natural habitat, or did the author see him at the local Gay Zoo?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]nikkief, 2006-03-04 05:17 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]marylake, 2006-03-05 01:38 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]wickedlester, 2006-03-05 02:38 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]smo, 2006-03-05 03:17 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dawnswalker, 2006-03-05 04:40 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]smo, 2006-03-05 04:43 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]sadisticferret, 2006-03-05 06:50 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]oxydosic, 2006-03-05 06:29 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]mousy_345e4, 2006-03-07 09:09 am UTC

[info]sarajayechan
2006-03-04 05:01 pm UTC (link)
It was unseasonably warm, so we thought it would be fun to walk part of the way from my sister’s place in downtown Manhattan. We walked north on Seventh Avenue, and the kids were having the time of their life. But then we entered the Chelsea District, and my heart sank as I looked around. In nearly every window of every shop and apartment building — literally every way I turned — there was a rainbow flag hanging. My wife and I looked at each other, just praying the kids would not ask about them.

No sooner than that, Jack was tugging on my sleeve. “Daddy,” he asked. “How come those two men are holding hands?” I looked up and saw what he was pointing at. Two twenty-something males were walking toward us, hand-in-hand. I was at a loss for words. We hurried the kids into a taxi and rode the rest of the way in silence. I was 23 years old before I saw my first homosexual, and here was my youngest son, already confronted with two of them at the age of six.

After the Sesame Street on Ice performance, we went back to my sister’s apartment. I sat Jack on the couch and knelt down in front of him. I’ve always felt it’s best to be honest with my children, so I laid it all out for him. I told him what homosexuality is, and that it is an abomination in the eyes of God. I told him about how homosexuality started in the summer of 1967, when the hippies decided to challenge the natural order that God established at the beginning of time. I told him that the two men he saw holding hands were sinners. I even told him about how the liberals were trying to force the homosexual agenda on America and redefine marriage, one of the most sacred institutions God ever devised.


O NOES!!!!1!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]fevered_ego, 2006-03-04 05:07 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]sarajayechan, 2006-03-04 05:12 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]issendai, 2006-03-04 05:58 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]fevered_ego, 2006-03-04 06:31 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]sarajayechan, 2006-03-04 11:15 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]dikaios, 2006-03-04 05:25 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]amxjm, 2006-03-04 10:10 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]dikaios, 2006-03-04 11:19 pm UTC

[info]fevered_ego
2006-03-04 05:04 pm UTC (link)
Heh. I only got two paragraphs into the text before I was sure it was a satirical essay and not actual wank. There's a certain "Onion Article" flavor to the writing.

Besides, if Mr. BibleThumper really thinks hippies invented the gay in the 1960s, what exactly does he believe went on in Sodom and Gomorrah? Golf tournaments? Naughty language?

It was pretty subtle overall, but that part totally broke the kayfabe.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]omega, 2006-03-04 05:24 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]fevered_ego, 2006-03-04 06:28 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]hickorydickory, 2006-03-04 08:46 pm UTC

[info]selene_avis
2006-03-04 05:49 pm UTC (link)
We shouldn’t scorn them or try to cast them out of society.


No shit, Sherlock. DId you completely skit Mathew 5? Even if you think that homosexuality is a sin - and Jesus does not say that it is - Jesus tells you to "...love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you..."

Although, it seems to me that Jesus is speaking less to the Christian right and more to us oppressed queers who are constantly attacked.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

"Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake."

Specially with the last two!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]jetwolf, 2006-03-04 06:00 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]sadisticferret, 2006-03-04 06:12 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]wickedlester, 2006-03-04 06:26 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]dizmo, 2006-03-04 09:31 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]miss_padfoot, 2006-03-05 02:56 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]b_jellybean, 2006-03-04 10:32 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]innsmouth_eyes, 2006-03-05 07:16 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]ayezur, 2006-03-05 07:35 pm UTC

[info]rachel_pi
2006-03-04 06:44 pm UTC (link)
homosexuality started in the summer of 1967

I think this was one of the biggest clues to the satire, because a real nutso Bible thumper would be citing Sodom and Gommorah and Leviticus and all kinds of stuff.

But really, I don't think this is very good satire. Other than a few places, it's completely indistinguishable (in my view) from things that you find on extreme far-right blogs and other places. The Onion is much funnier, anyway.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]azawakh, 2006-03-05 01:37 am UTC

redwarrior
2006-03-04 07:00 pm UTC (link)
The only funny part was the hippie bit.

And if it were REALLY a Fundie, he would have bitched about how "close" Bert and Ernie were.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]hanncoll, 2006-03-04 08:02 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-04 10:43 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]suziecroft, 2006-03-04 10:49 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-04 10:51 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]chibikaijuu, 2006-03-05 02:28 am UTC
(no subject) - catatonia, 2006-03-05 06:39 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]mercutia, 2006-03-05 06:47 am UTC

[info]mouseykins
2006-03-04 07:44 pm UTC (link)
"It's okay, son. We can cure them. We have the technology."

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]bubosquared, 2006-03-04 08:13 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]chikane, 2006-03-04 08:20 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]bubosquared, 2006-03-04 10:26 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]goldberry, 2006-03-04 08:33 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]bubosquared, 2006-03-04 10:26 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]goldberry, 2006-03-04 11:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]marylake, 2006-03-05 01:43 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]seiberwing, 2006-03-05 03:24 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]marylake, 2006-03-05 04:14 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]seiberwing, 2006-03-05 04:22 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]princessdot, 2006-03-05 04:02 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]b_jellybean, 2006-03-05 04:48 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]stromatolite, 2006-03-05 06:02 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nekoneko, 2006-03-06 04:17 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nekoneko, 2006-03-06 04:16 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]agent_hyatt, 2006-03-06 10:58 pm UTC

[info]chikane
2006-03-04 08:18 pm UTC (link)
Another rather bad attempt at satire. It isn't so much good satire if only one point(hippies) is exxagerated and everything else is absolutely identical to fundie blogs/rants.

Atleast in my opinion.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]hickorydickory, 2006-03-04 08:56 pm UTC

[info]itsirtou
2006-03-04 09:31 pm UTC (link)
Sooo...if homosexuality started in 1967, then Oscar Wilde and Walt Whitman were...what, figments of our collective imaginations?

It may be satirical, but the sad thing is that living in small-town Missouri, I've heard many a thing like this.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]gobsmacked, 2006-03-04 10:42 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]seiberwing, 2006-03-04 11:31 pm UTC

[info]kylenne
2006-03-04 10:09 pm UTC (link)
I’ve always considered New York a center of licentiousness and depravity

I was born and raised here. Coincidence? I think not. >>

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - jenova, 2006-03-05 12:53 am UTC

[info]rotten_fish
2006-03-04 11:48 pm UTC (link)
It's not even funny satire. =(

(Reply to this)


[info]annaham
2006-03-04 11:48 pm UTC (link)
I was 23 years old before I saw my first homosexual...

Had he been living in a cave or under a rock for the first 23 years of his life?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]jetwolf, 2006-03-05 12:04 am UTC

[info]gal_montag
2006-03-05 01:31 am UTC (link)
I think my favorite bit is the assertion that homosexuality was started by hippies in 1967.

Somebody better tell the Spartans.

And to think, this whole idiocy was spawned by dudes holding hands. I totally expected some public groping or something.

(Reply to this)


[info]sisterelwood
2006-03-05 03:58 am UTC (link)
*reads article*sees that it was published by the University of Michigan newspaper*laughs and is glad she goes to Michigan State University*

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]b_jellybean, 2006-03-05 04:46 am UTC

[info]footsie
2006-03-05 06:53 am UTC (link)
"Stupid will always outrun hyperbole."

I forget which one of you wankers said that, but I liked it so much I decided to mention it here anyway.

(Reply to this)


[info]sabinelagrande
2006-03-05 10:02 am UTC (link)
The sad part about all this is, given the current political climate, I really can't tell if this is satire or serious.

(Reply to this)


[info]toasterkitten
2006-03-05 03:21 pm UTC (link)
Once, I saw two unmarried cats licking each other.
I have never forgotten the depravity.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]mousy_345e4, 2006-03-07 09:13 am UTC

[info]oxydosic
2006-03-05 06:33 pm UTC (link)
I was buying it until the 'homosexuality started in 1967' statement. The rest of it - oh yeah, unfortunately there's a lot of people with that attitude. I'll never understand why these people think that kids seeing two people of the same sex showing affection to each other is going to scar them for life.

(Reply to this)



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