Take ugly women for example. If it weren't for rape, how would they ever know the joys of intercourse with a man who isn't drunk? In a society as plastic-conscious as our own, are we really to believe that some man would ever sleep with a girl resembling a wildebeest if he didn't have a few schnapps in him? Of course he wouldn't–at least no self-respecting man would–but there in lies the beauty of rape. No self respecting man would rape in the first place, so ugly women are guaranteed a romp with not only a sober man, but a bad boy too; and we all know how much ladies like the bad boy.

There is absolutely no universe in which this is an acceptable satire.

Also, are op-eds journalism, really? I thought they were, well, opinions. Opinion pieces that could be written and submitted to newspapers by anybody, and then the paper decided what to publish, but not everything published in a newspaper is automatically journalism.

Ladies, your breasts will sag and there will always be a younger model right around the corner, anyway.

And she isn't going to sleep with you either, tool.