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Dan Fogelberg's ([info]llama_treats) wrote in [info]otf_wank,
@ 2008-03-27 12:52:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:authorwank, it's not for you

WHY ARE YOU READING A CHILDREN'S BOOK: A miniwank bedtime story.
Once upon a time, a self-published author wrote a book about ANTIGUA: The Land of Fairies Wizards and Heroes! (Alas, the land lacked commas!) She even gave it every tag in existence, of which only about three were appropriate! (Miley Sirus? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? High School Musical? What, no Kitchen Sink tag?) Unfortunately, it got bad reviews by everyone but the author. Even the forums weren't safe. And neither was Barnes & Noble! THE FIVE STAR REVIEWS ARE NOT FROM THE AUTHOR! REALLY!

And we all lived happily ever after!

The End!
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(Post a new comment)


[info]ghostmaster
2008-03-27 06:38 pm UTC (link)
Is anyone else getting kind of a Mojo Jojo vibe from this author?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]doyle, 2008-03-27 08:17 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]plazmah, 2008-03-27 11:36 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]tehrin, 2008-03-28 12:57 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]kijikun, 2008-03-28 06:08 am UTC

[info]cygnia
2008-03-27 06:48 pm UTC (link)
She's channeling Anne Rice...*shudders*

(Reply to this)


[info]spacelogic
2008-03-27 07:06 pm UTC (link)
I see the tags now include "amazingly bad." Going by the excerpt they've got up, I don't think that's adequate....

(Reply to this)

But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you!
[info]seiberwing
2008-03-27 07:10 pm UTC (link)
Even at twelve I think I would have realized this was crap.

Also, you are right. There were too many exclamation points throughout the book. I corrected that mistake months ago. Many of the exclamation points were removed months ago. Yes. I gree with you totally. They should never have been placed there in the first place. I will never make the same mistake again.

You can't correct a book you've already written, you twit.

I think all the posts are ridiculous and I just ignore them. I will always do whatever I want to advertise my books. I have that right whether you like it or not. I will never stop. If you want to waste your time putting up stupid posts like the one you just wrote, go ahead. I will never stop advertising my books. I have a legal right to do so and you and others will never be able to stop me! Amazon.com is not my only means of selling my books. I am the owner of my own company and my book is selling world wid

What, no "MWAHAHAHAA!!!"?

And from where she pimps herself:

Anyone out there looking for another great adventure, fantasy book for teens? Have you tried ANTIGUA: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes? This book has it all! It has dragons, magic, wizards, gnomes, elves, kings, knights and more! This book is full of excitement and adventure! There are even talking animals such as gorillas and a talking cat who is funny and very sarcastic!

My god, sarcastic talking cats. No one's ever done that before.">

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]phosfate, 2008-03-27 08:23 pm UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]seiberwing, 2008-03-27 09:26 pm UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]phosfate, 2008-03-27 09:37 pm UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]tangentialone, 2008-03-28 05:56 am UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]imp, 2008-03-28 07:07 am UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]seiberwing, 2008-03-28 02:07 pm UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]msmanna, 2008-03-28 08:09 pm UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]caito, 2008-03-31 02:34 am UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]yattara, 2008-03-28 05:49 pm UTC
Re: But it's for kids! Kids, I tell you! - [info]yomikoreadman, 2008-03-30 02:38 am UTC

[info]mercutia
2008-03-27 07:12 pm UTC (link)
I love how the Amazon forums include a thread by the author (still without any additonal comments) that is posted in ALL CAPS. BECAUSE THIS IS SRS BZNSS, AND ALSO YOUR KID WILL ENJOY THIS BOOK. THAT IS NOT AN OPINION, IT IS A POSTHYPNOTIC SUGGESTION. Because your brain does pretty much shut down upon reading the excerpt.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]llama_treats, 2008-03-27 07:18 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]mercutia, 2008-03-27 11:19 pm UTC

[info]miraba
2008-03-27 07:23 pm UTC (link)
Oh dear lord. I saw this in wank_report, but I didn't see the reviews she sprinkled elsewhere.

Totally OT, your icon is awesome.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]llama_treats, 2008-03-27 07:33 pm UTC

[info]agent_hyatt
2008-03-27 07:30 pm UTC (link)
*wince* Someone, please take away her capslock key, at the very least.

(Reply to this)


[info]dhole
2008-03-27 07:38 pm UTC (link)
The thing that gets me is that Antigua is a real place.

It's sort of like the book was titled Newark: Land of Magic and Trolls and Fairies and Magic Fairy Ponies.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]seiberwing, 2008-03-27 07:38 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]waltraute, 2008-03-27 07:39 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]llama_treats, 2008-03-27 07:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]phosfate, 2008-03-27 08:30 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]florence_craye, 2008-03-27 09:55 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]meril, 2008-03-27 10:07 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]erototoxin, 2008-03-28 01:52 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]kijikun, 2008-03-28 01:53 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]anarchicq, 2008-03-28 02:10 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]wahlee, 2008-03-28 06:19 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]anarchicq, 2008-03-28 06:26 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]seiberwing, 2008-03-28 02:14 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]tofuknight, 2008-03-28 05:11 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]munchkinott, 2008-03-28 03:56 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]white_serpent, 2008-03-28 06:23 am UTC

[info]valis2
2008-03-27 07:42 pm UTC (link)
Princess Sasha, Princess Trina, Princess Alexandra and Rebecca walked up ahead of the army and lined up together in a row. They looked like warriors!

PRINCESS TRINA WILL SMITE YOUR ASS!

Oh, wait, you don't like the princesses? Oh, that's because you're an adult. THIS BOOK IS FOR THE CHILDRENS!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]julian_black, 2008-03-28 08:21 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]valis2, 2008-03-28 08:50 pm UTC

flightstothesea
2008-03-27 08:21 pm UTC (link)
Oh, this is so cute, I want to sprinkle it with glitter and tape it into a scrapbook.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]llama_treats, 2008-03-27 08:26 pm UTC

[info]lied_ohne_worte
2008-03-27 08:38 pm UTC (link)
*sporfle*

This story is a fantasy with magical characters such as a Sorceress, a Dragon, Fairies, Wizards, Knights, Kings, Queens, Pixies, and Gnomes. [emphasis mine]

So, basically, knights, kings and queens are magical creatures? Now I get it - Queen Elizabeth's handbag actually contains a wand, magic sparkling fairy powder, and other such objects of use to magical creatures. Hah.

Honestly, though... TEENS OVER 13 WON'T APPRECIATE THIS BOOK. ADULTS REALLY WOULD FIND THE WRITING FOR KIDS ONLY! - I am pretty sure that most 13-year olds also recognise bad writing when it jumps at them waving magical unicorn arrows.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]rosehiptea, 2008-03-27 08:46 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]paranoidandroid, 2008-03-29 04:38 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]rosehiptea, 2008-03-29 05:56 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]tachikoma01, 2008-03-30 03:00 pm UTC

[info]blue_penguin
2008-03-27 08:39 pm UTC (link)
Oh, come on, this has got to be some kind of parody! Or at least something done for the lulz! No one could possibly think it was a good idea to end every sentence with an exclamation point! That's just ridiculous!

... Right? D:

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]florence_craye, 2008-03-27 09:57 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]blue_penguin, 2008-03-27 10:02 pm UTC
(no subject) - pastri_archy, 2008-03-27 10:41 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]cygnia, 2008-03-28 02:16 am UTC

[info]hickorydickory
2008-03-27 10:19 pm UTC (link)
"Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought:

Brisingr (Inheritance, Book 3) by Christopher Paolini"



Why am I not surprised?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]okalintu, 2008-03-28 12:43 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]vampslayer04, 2008-03-28 12:44 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]the_mouse, 2008-03-28 03:48 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]shaysdays, 2008-03-28 01:41 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]gorogoro, 2008-03-28 01:54 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]shaysdays, 2008-03-28 02:02 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dhole, 2008-03-28 02:42 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]ladylauren, 2008-03-30 04:46 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]mcity, 2008-03-28 02:44 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dragonfangirl, 2008-03-28 05:42 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]mcity, 2008-03-28 05:48 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]ladylauren, 2008-03-30 04:47 am UTC

lroy
2008-03-27 11:14 pm UTC (link)
And she's threatening to call in the lawyers...

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]doomsday, 2008-03-28 12:18 am UTC
(no subject) - lroy, 2008-03-28 03:24 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]hristaesir, 2008-03-28 02:45 am UTC
(no subject) - lroy, 2008-03-28 03:27 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]catslash, 2008-03-28 06:00 pm UTC

[info]wrenlet
2008-03-27 11:52 pm UTC (link)
HOLY LISTMANIA ABUSE, BATMAN. She's made 13 lists and they all include her book. Quelle surprise.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Squeep! - [info]windex_junkie, 2008-03-28 04:47 pm UTC

[info]doomsday
2008-03-28 12:33 am UTC (link)
If there's one thing that screams, "Children's book," it's pages-long paragraphs!

(Reply to this)


[info]tehrin
2008-03-28 01:00 am UTC (link)
Reading the excerpt, I was reminded of when I was in third grade and I used to draw white fluffy cats wearing dresses which were so covered with ruffles that they looked like wedding cakes. They were horrible. I feel like that sort of fantasy thing puked all over this author's book.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]imp, 2008-03-28 07:10 am UTC

[info]issendai
2008-03-28 01:45 am UTC (link)
*happy sigh*

Oh man, self-published author wanks are like sex. I feel all relaxed and at peace with the world now.

And slightly sweaty.

Ahem.

Anyway, if you read the excerpt on Amazon and were left yearning for more of Denise's prose stylings, the entire book is on Google Books.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]doomsday, 2008-03-28 03:02 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]cleolinda, 2008-03-28 03:20 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dragonfangirl, 2008-03-28 05:43 am UTC
(no subject) - magpiggles, 2008-03-28 02:45 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]catslash, 2008-03-28 06:03 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]doomsday, 2008-03-28 06:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]catslash, 2008-03-28 06:49 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]maureenlycaon, 2008-03-30 08:46 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]wyf_of_bathe, 2008-03-28 09:43 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]llama_treats, 2008-03-28 03:22 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]issendai, 2008-03-28 03:34 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]llama_treats, 2008-03-28 03:35 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]issendai, 2008-03-28 03:53 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]lied_ohne_worte, 2008-03-28 10:35 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]wonderfish, 2008-03-28 06:54 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]hickorydickory, 2008-03-28 07:26 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]issendai, 2008-03-29 12:56 am UTC

[info]also_not_a_pipe
2008-03-28 02:55 am UTC (link)
I spoke with my lawyers and they have informed me that I have a legal issue with these authors which I can follow up on if I wish.

I want her lawyers' contact info. If we're going by her definitions here, I have legal issues with telephone survey people, Jehovah's Witnesses, and the Ohio Republican Party.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]llama_treats, 2008-03-28 03:29 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]luthe, 2008-03-28 04:17 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]vzg, 2008-03-28 05:32 pm UTC

[info]demonbean
2008-03-28 04:13 am UTC (link)
"The author let out such a loud roar that everyone in the Paolini, Rice, and fandom_wank kingdoms heard him! The gigantic monster spit stupid out of his nostrils and then his mouth! The author flew over the comment boards like a rocket!"

Oh, yeah, I've got it down.

(Reply to this)


[info]issendai
2008-03-28 04:16 am UTC (link)
Robot!Britchick approves of Antigua. (NSFW, if only because the page talks to you. Constantly. If you so much as wiggle your mouse at it.)

Unbuttoned!clubkid!Britchick finds the forthcoming masterpiece The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists: The Land of The Moepek fascinating. The page also thoughtfully notes that despite the "teen" in the title and the open-shirted babe at the top of the page, the book is not suitable for anyone over the age of 14.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]issendai, 2008-03-28 04:25 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]white_serpent, 2008-03-28 04:34 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]windex_junkie, 2008-03-28 05:00 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]demonbean, 2008-03-28 04:25 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]vzg, 2008-03-28 05:36 pm UTC

[info]luthe
2008-03-28 04:19 am UTC (link)
Repetitive author is repetitive.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]demonbean, 2008-03-28 04:24 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dragonfangirl, 2008-03-28 05:44 am UTC

[info]agent_hyatt
2008-03-28 06:15 am UTC (link)
I think I figured the book out; preteens are supposed to read it, think "I can write something better than that," and proceed to put more effort into their English homework. It's a disguised study-aid/self-help book!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]gunshou, 2008-03-28 01:58 pm UTC

[info]issendai
2008-03-28 02:41 pm UTC (link)
Aww, Amazon deleted her self-review. :(

(Reply to this)


magpiggles
2008-03-28 02:43 pm UTC (link)
EVEN a talking gorilla? Count me in.

(Reply to this)
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