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Pan ([info]panthea) wrote in [info]otf_wank,
@ 2008-05-15 07:44:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:mall ninjas

"I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days."
I... don't even know how to describe this.

It's a lovely time capsule of wank that took place in 2001; the Shrine of the Mall Ninja was posted in 2006. It seems the original thread is gone now. History weeps for its loss.

There are two lessons to take away from this: there is apparently an epidemic of ass-raping going on in malls across America, and there are a few brave men with assault rifles serving as the last bastion of protection between the ass-rapists and young boys' tender ass-virginity. If you don't respect your friendly neighborhood Mall Ninja, you, too, may be gang-raped in the men's room.

Who knew malls were so dangerous?
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(Post a new comment)


[info]alya1989262
2008-05-15 01:15 pm UTC (link)
I am in a high-risk job. It is not the Mall of America, but Ill tell you what its no podunk mall either... Yes Im not a Green Beret but guess what neither are you and unlike you I have to face unruly shoppers every day

Well, I have heard stories about retail, but I had no idea.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]amxjm, 2008-05-16 06:10 am UTC

[info]fools_game
2008-05-15 01:49 pm UTC (link)
Reading that has left me with the probably unwise urge to punch a security guard in the face.

(Reply to this)


[info]llama_treats
2008-05-15 02:21 pm UTC (link)
DROP THE MAGIC THE GATHERING CARDS AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD! SQUAD LEADER, DEPLOY THE TANKS! NOW NOW NOW!

(Reply to this)


findchaem
2008-05-15 02:32 pm UTC (link)
This is priceless. It's like a teenager role-playing a John Ringo hero, transplanted to the mall where he spends all his time.

There needs to be a Wank Museum where such artifacts are preserved for future generations to enjoy.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]caoilainn, 2008-05-15 04:02 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]hurricane, 2008-05-15 10:22 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]capsulekei, 2008-05-15 04:13 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]phosfate, 2008-05-15 04:31 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]capsulekei, 2008-05-15 04:34 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]phosfate, 2008-05-15 04:40 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]luthe, 2008-05-15 06:08 pm UTC
(no subject) - findchaem, 2008-05-15 06:16 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]talec, 2008-05-15 09:42 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]perletwo, 2008-05-16 05:18 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]gusty, 2008-05-16 06:47 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]doomsday, 2008-05-15 08:23 pm UTC
(no subject) - findchaem, 2008-05-15 08:27 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]blankverses, 2008-05-16 06:47 pm UTC
(no subject) - findchaem, 2008-05-16 06:53 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]blankverses, 2008-05-16 06:57 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]hxmxcrashtrap, 2008-05-17 01:29 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]blankverses, 2008-05-17 10:58 pm UTC

[info]seiberwing
2008-05-15 02:53 pm UTC (link)
*is dead of lulz. So very, very dead of lulz*

(Reply to this)


[info]exit_chrysalis
2008-05-15 03:04 pm UTC (link)
There are no words for the sheer awesomeness of this wank.

(Reply to this)


[info]risha
2008-05-15 03:13 pm UTC (link)
You all who are makeing fun of me have never been threatened by jailed drug dealers, serial killers, and shoplifters

Oh no! Not the shoplifters!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]missdaisy, 2008-05-15 03:25 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]risha, 2008-05-15 03:49 pm UTC

[info]missdaisy
2008-05-15 03:21 pm UTC (link)
This'll teach me to check Journalfen before I go to Kohl's. Now I'm terrified.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]phosfate, 2008-05-15 04:32 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]missdaisy, 2008-05-15 08:01 pm UTC

[info]melancthe
2008-05-15 03:24 pm UTC (link)
"Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded. Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor."

SO MUCH AMUSEMENT.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]notjo, 2008-05-15 05:07 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]blue_penguin, 2008-05-15 06:33 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjo, 2008-05-15 06:37 pm UTC
(no subject) - tree, 2008-05-17 03:46 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]puipui, 2008-05-15 08:53 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]amxjm, 2008-05-16 06:37 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]puipui, 2008-05-16 05:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]brown_betty, 2008-05-15 09:19 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]deliciouschaos, 2008-05-15 09:57 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]hallidae, 2008-05-15 10:58 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]panthea, 2008-05-15 11:02 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]deliciouschaos, 2008-05-15 11:23 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]luthe, 2008-05-16 12:33 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]tangentialone, 2008-05-16 08:47 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]tangentialone, 2008-05-16 08:49 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]hxmxcrashtrap, 2008-05-17 01:33 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]perletwo, 2008-05-16 05:21 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]mistressrenet, 2008-05-23 07:12 pm UTC

[info]caoilainn
2008-05-15 03:29 pm UTC (link)
But then again I think of the mayors nephew, his face distored with tears and terror, the GAP employees who asked for my autograph, and had to settle for a cover identity’s signature, the flashbangs, and their acrid scent, the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot, the target practice with my dearest comrades and friends, the members of my teams, and our live fire exercises-Can I leave it all behind? should I?

Or is my life better spent as the silent, alert, stalwart, invisible guardian of the free mall…

I cannot tell.

I wiped away a tear. I did.

Beautiful wank. A+

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]alya1989262, 2008-05-15 03:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]caoilainn, 2008-05-15 04:16 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]capsulekei, 2008-05-15 04:05 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]caoilainn, 2008-05-15 04:16 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]witty, 2008-05-15 07:14 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]eldritch, 2008-05-15 09:24 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]caoilte, 2008-05-15 10:44 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]aerobot, 2008-05-16 07:38 am UTC

[info]queencallipygos
2008-05-15 03:33 pm UTC (link)
and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered...

Show of hands: who's now thinking of "don't taze me, bro!"

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]queencallipygos, 2008-05-15 07:06 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]panthea, 2008-05-15 07:33 pm UTC

[info]rotten_fish
2008-05-15 03:36 pm UTC (link)
Holy shit, this is amazing.

(Reply to this)


[info]ayezur
2008-05-15 03:52 pm UTC (link)
Best. Troll. Ever.

I want one.

(Reply to this)


[info]doomsday
2008-05-15 04:52 pm UTC (link)
Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded.

He's really intent on keeping boys away from sausages, isn't he?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]missdaisy, 2008-05-15 07:58 pm UTC

[info]wonapalei
2008-05-15 05:07 pm UTC (link)
I have read this before. Damned if I know who linked me, when, or where (perhaps the customers_suck comm?), but I know I've read this before.

After all, how could I forget such classic lines as BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]luthe, 2008-05-15 05:58 pm UTC
(no subject) - flightstothesea, 2008-05-15 07:26 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]wonapalei, 2008-05-15 11:27 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]demonbean, 2008-05-15 07:29 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]kadath, 2008-05-16 04:27 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dragonfangirl, 2008-05-16 07:39 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dragonfangirl, 2008-05-16 07:40 am UTC

[info]hangingfire
2008-05-15 06:35 pm UTC (link)
Even William Gibson finds the Mall Ninja to be a thing of beauty. ^_^

(Reply to this)


[info]seperis
2008-05-15 06:57 pm UTC (link)
This is the greatest thing ever. *helpless* I never knew the mall was such a death trap before today.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]caoilainn, 2008-05-15 07:25 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]seperis, 2008-05-15 07:32 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]seperis, 2008-05-15 07:33 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]southerngaelic, 2008-05-16 12:32 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]panthea, 2008-05-16 12:35 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]seperis, 2008-05-16 12:36 am UTC
epic
[info]mcity
2008-05-15 07:03 pm UTC (link)
My favorite part is when Gecko defends SPECOPS and himself while posting as SPECOPs. Closely followed by the part where he claims to have shown a Demolitions Expert SEAL how to breach a door.

Those Asians Gangs love Mortal Combat
Icon this. Someone, please.

Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor.
And that's where he took a hairpin turn onto Creepy St.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: epic - [info]demonbean, 2008-05-15 07:28 pm UTC
Re: epic - [info]missdaisy, 2008-05-15 09:19 pm UTC
Re: epic - [info]demonbean, 2008-05-16 04:21 am UTC
Re: epic - [info]made_by_kali, 2008-05-15 10:57 pm UTC

[info]demonbean
2008-05-15 07:19 pm UTC (link)
If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.

There is much to be said for this piece of advice.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]mercutia, 2008-05-19 10:37 pm UTC

[info]hallidae
2008-05-15 07:49 pm UTC (link)
Ah, the lovely feeling of LOL so soon after waking up.

(Reply to this)


[info]frequentmouse
2008-05-15 07:55 pm UTC (link)
But who shall protect us from stomping from one end of the mall and back, up and down stairs and around and around on floors made of neutronium, and never, ever being able to find shoest that fit right nor clothing without stupid embroidery on it?

(Reply to this)


[info]missdaisy
2008-05-15 08:00 pm UTC (link)
I'm back from shopping (safely, thank God) and I don't understand why this wank doesn't have a thousand comments because it is the funniest thing I've read in ages.

Snap to it people or I'm pulling out the napalm.

(Reply to this)


[info]kylenne
2008-05-15 08:02 pm UTC (link)
Oh my god, it's like Jim Carrey's Cherub of Justice guy from In Living Color. Dickie something or other.

(Reply to this)


[info]white_serpent
2008-05-15 08:26 pm UTC (link)
...It's Mike Watt from "Spaced"!

Vietnam still shudders when it hears the name of a an assasin so skillful and deadly, he is remembered decades later.

I. Can't. Breathe.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]honorh, 2008-05-16 02:20 am UTC

[info]mael
2008-05-15 08:47 pm UTC (link)
I can't believe he's serious. He MUST know how ridiculous his posturing sounds. He MUST. Napalm? In a fucking mall parking lot? QUOI?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]sudaki, 2008-05-17 06:29 pm UTC
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