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Pan ([info]panthea) wrote in [info]otf_wank,
@ 2008-05-15 07:44:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:mall ninjas

"I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days."
I... don't even know how to describe this.

It's a lovely time capsule of wank that took place in 2001; the Shrine of the Mall Ninja was posted in 2006. It seems the original thread is gone now. History weeps for its loss.

There are two lessons to take away from this: there is apparently an epidemic of ass-raping going on in malls across America, and there are a few brave men with assault rifles serving as the last bastion of protection between the ass-rapists and young boys' tender ass-virginity. If you don't respect your friendly neighborhood Mall Ninja, you, too, may be gang-raped in the men's room.

Who knew malls were so dangerous?
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(Post a new comment)


[info]puipui
2008-05-15 09:00 pm UTC (link)
I’m not even technically employed by the mall I’m stationed at, my orders come from “higher up”, hint, hint. Sure, most regular overweight mall security guards would not be armed, they would lose a Fullsize frame handgun in the blubber on their waistline, why arm them? The elite, however, have specail privilages, and I can assure you that my orders go far-far enough that I could go around Kennedy airport yelling “Hi Jack!”, and that a simple phone call and codeword would have me released in 5 minutes, with my weapon, be what it may. As I said, my orders go far and while my reasons for protecting this mall remain a matter of national security, if the above does not convince you that I am employed in a capacity that goes above and beyond halting shoplifters, nothing will.

OMG HE WAS ORDERED TO GUARD THOSE MALL BOY ASSES BY THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]missdaisy, 2008-05-15 09:24 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]lottelita, 2008-05-15 09:39 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]dragonfangirl, 2008-05-16 07:41 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]evanwaters, 2008-05-16 08:16 am UTC
Also...
[info]puipui
2008-05-15 09:03 pm UTC (link)
And it was the Mayor’s NEPHEW, you illitterat!

*DIES*

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Also... - [info]alya1989262, 2008-05-15 10:09 pm UTC
Also also...
[info]puipui
2008-05-15 09:14 pm UTC (link)
A perp popped up from behind the Orange Julius counter with a full auto Kalashnikov with a 75rd drum

Oh shit! The offender had a Kalashnikov!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Also also... - [info]danceswithelvis, 2008-05-15 09:18 pm UTC
Re: Also also... - [info]littlest_lurker, 2008-05-15 11:39 pm UTC
Re: Also also... - [info]jat_sapphire, 2008-05-18 11:18 pm UTC

[info]eldritch
2008-05-15 09:26 pm UTC (link)
This is prime, Grade A Hilarity. Even frozen, it loses none of its flavor. Delectable. The subtle texture of the batshit goes well with the ass-virginity of the mayor's nephew.

(Reply to this)


[info]lottelita
2008-05-15 09:40 pm UTC (link)
People shop peaceably in their malls only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. *crying eagle soars overhead*

(Reply to this)


[info]deliciouschaos
2008-05-15 09:47 pm UTC (link)
I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls. I don’t think any of you are working as hard as I am to be prepared.

What the hell Boy Scout troop was he part of, and can I join it?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]nonnyeve, 2008-05-16 07:39 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]deliciouschaos, 2008-05-16 08:26 am UTC

[info]also_not_a_pipe
2008-05-15 09:47 pm UTC (link)
The SWAT prettyboys were overpowered by the Gap

They saw how cheap the cargo pants were on special, and that was it for them. It's a good thing we have manly men like those special ops security guards who can resist the lure of preppy clothing stores.

(Reply to this)


[info]inarticulate
2008-05-15 09:52 pm UTC (link)
Dear world,

I could not possibly love you any more than I do right now.

Hugs and kisses,
Me

(Reply to this)


[info]also_not_a_pipe
2008-05-15 10:02 pm UTC (link)
Oh, oh! I forgot.

Know what makes this even funnier? If you imagine all this being read by the voice actor who plays Dale Gribble on "King of the Hill."

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]wrenlet, 2008-05-15 10:54 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]hallidae, 2008-05-15 10:56 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]littlest_lurker, 2008-05-15 11:40 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]tangentialone, 2008-05-16 08:53 am UTC

[info]beachlass
2008-05-15 10:56 pm UTC (link)
Also, Neonazi skinhead gangs are the most difficult thing we currently must deal with, it is not Chechin thzat we have to worry about, it is the Australian militants, and I dan’t care if they reed this, they allready know that we are onto them and we will not give up.

Oh no! Not the Australian militants! And their reeds! Are they militant Australian woodwind players??

What is a Chechin thzat anyway? A gun? A fur hat?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]ruslan, 2008-05-15 11:25 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]demonbean, 2008-05-15 11:38 pm UTC

[info]littlest_lurker
2008-05-15 11:43 pm UTC (link)
We use modified electric vehicles and can be anywhere on a given floor within eight and a half minutes.

I really hope that "modified electric vehicles" = Segway*, if only to add to the pile of hilarious mental images that this post conjures.


*which my local mall cops actually use!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]catremistrae, 2008-05-16 06:29 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]catremistrae, 2008-05-16 06:37 am UTC

[info]pocketfox
2008-05-16 12:35 am UTC (link)
I... This... He...

I got nothin'. Please excuse me while I mop up all the Pepsi I sprayed on my monitor.

(Reply to this)


[info]edge_of_reason
2008-05-16 12:56 am UTC (link)
*sporfle*

Hows that partner of yours that does the prone support for your testicile, er a tactical firing type postitions.

I found the Shrine of the Mall Ninja a couple of years ago and it will NEVER STOP BEING FUNNY.

(Reply to this)


[info]issendai
2008-05-16 01:31 am UTC (link)
Did this guy train with the guy on IRC who was a master of martial arts because when he made a mistake, his teacher shot him?

...Now I have to look that guy up. Anyone else remember this? Shot by his own teacher? Might have been a SEAL? Lost control of all bodily functions because people in RP wouldn't take his RL leet martial skillz into account for his character? I didn't dream this batshit, did I?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]ianthefira, 2008-05-16 02:05 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nonnyeve, 2008-05-16 07:41 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]sudaki, 2008-05-17 06:30 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]ara, 2008-05-29 12:25 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]issendai, 2008-05-29 12:38 am UTC

[info]littlest_lurker
2008-05-16 01:49 am UTC (link)
Now I'm wishing the whole thread had been preserved, instead of just the two crazies. But we do get some reactions in the form of quotes, like this:

quote:Originally posted by HKZ:
SPECOPS, 6'5"! Wow, I did not know that crap could be stacked that high.

Heh. And of course SPECOPS response is full of WHAT:

You should know, you seem like the kind of guy that plays with your own feces.

We have a name for guys like you in the “industry”: fecal-freaks. One time I had to do an dynamic entry on the ladies bathroom, because some freak had snuck in there and was trying to smear excrement on one of the lady patrons.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]chaos_theory, 2008-05-17 07:15 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]schoenschoen, 2008-05-18 08:26 pm UTC

[info]damien
2008-05-16 01:59 am UTC (link)
SteyrAUG writes:

ATTN. SPECOPS AND GECKO45 my secret username is CIDDECEP and I am your S2. My authorization code is Six Wun Quebec Oscar Fife. Your presence here is tactically dangerous and compromises our overall mission parameter. Cease and desist all activity on this board. Our “enemies” are deft at computer hacking and may trace you back to our primary locale. You have forced me to compromise my situation to protect your vulnerable flank. This issue will be addressed later.

Best modly smackdown ever. XD

(Reply to this)


[info]aerinc
2008-05-16 02:29 am UTC (link)
Oh man. Some of that just begs to be made into icons.

(Reply to this)


[info]darksumomo
2008-05-16 05:06 am UTC (link)
A picture is worth a thousand words.

(Reply to this)


[info]perletwo
2008-05-16 05:30 am UTC (link)
The whole thing is hilarity personified - it's like a mall cop from Frank Miller's Gotham City - but I was already doubled over LOL'ing by this, from the first line in the second post:

I am now thinking that the best thing to do is to have my wife make

Bolding mine, natch. WIFE? oy.

(Reply to this)


[info]aerobot
2008-05-16 07:35 am UTC (link)
MY GOD. Clearly everyone who told me that I would be shot to death if I ever went to America was TOTALLY RIGHT. D:

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]missdaisy, 2008-05-16 07:45 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]mercutia, 2008-05-19 10:43 pm UTC

[info]evanwaters
2008-05-16 08:17 am UTC (link)
Dammit, I need a copy of Final Draft. This is clearly next summer's biggest movie.

(Reply to this)


[info]wanktasticbus
2008-05-17 03:25 am UTC (link)
LOL A friend showed me this a few months ago, but I never even thought to post it here. *shame* My favorite part is when Mall Ninja backflips over the concession stand to save the Mortal Kombat machine from the Asian gang.

(Reply to this)


[info]thebratqueen
2008-05-17 04:04 am UTC (link)
Oh my LORD that's a thing of beauty.

(Reply to this)

Full version
[info]fanpoodlex
2008-05-17 04:47 am UTC (link)
You can find the unexpurgated version (including everyone else's comments, and much, much more) over at the web archive of the Official Mall Ninja website.

And there is plenty more.

From a sceptic:
"Now, when you are taking .308 hits on your reinforced briefcase while your partner is heading for cover, do you also return fire at the same time? And if so, how do you protect your head from those .308 size pieces of lead flying around? What precautions do you observe in your "free fire zone" as regards to shoppers? Or are the blue haired ladies too short to make much of a target? What, if any, special objects do you carry in the tactical briefcase besides ballistic panels? Extra rounds? Cell phone? baloney sandwich? I really need to know since I am putting together a defensive system such as yours for those high risk time when I have to go into Wal-Mart on Sale Day."

Along with photo's of the combatents...

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Full version - [info]tiki, 2008-05-18 01:49 am UTC

[info]sol
2008-05-17 05:00 am UTC (link)
This is oddly reminiscient of the astral plane, only the crazy seems to be in one dimension.

Protip: You're not smack dab in the middle of a Medal of Honor game, kid. You are also not a ninja. Please place the Naruto headband down and back away from it...slowly.

(Reply to this)
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