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Pan ([info]panthea) wrote in [info]otf_wank,
@ 2008-05-15 07:44:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:mall ninjas

"I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days."
I... don't even know how to describe this.

It's a lovely time capsule of wank that took place in 2001; the Shrine of the Mall Ninja was posted in 2006. It seems the original thread is gone now. History weeps for its loss.

There are two lessons to take away from this: there is apparently an epidemic of ass-raping going on in malls across America, and there are a few brave men with assault rifles serving as the last bastion of protection between the ass-rapists and young boys' tender ass-virginity. If you don't respect your friendly neighborhood Mall Ninja, you, too, may be gang-raped in the men's room.

Who knew malls were so dangerous?


(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]melancthe
2008-05-15 03:24 pm UTC (link)
"Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded. Fortunately, wounding fire to suppress teenage kleptomaniacs is relatively easy, they all run in straight lines, and a hit in the knee will be relatively simple from the second floor."

SO MUCH AMUSEMENT.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]notjo
2008-05-15 05:07 pm UTC (link)
I wanna be charged with grand theft for fruitcake!

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]blue_penguin
2008-05-15 06:33 pm UTC (link)
Grand Theft Fruitcake: coming soon to video game retailers near you!

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]notjo
2008-05-15 06:37 pm UTC (link)
See, I would buy that.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


tree
2008-05-17 03:46 pm UTC (link)
Same here.

(Does anyone still say 'AOL' to denote 'me too'?)

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]puipui
2008-05-15 08:53 pm UTC (link)
I kind of want "grand theft cheeselog" on an icon now.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]amxjm
2008-05-16 06:37 am UTC (link)
Here's a quick-ass 5 minute version.



For fun, I may go back and do another one that better matches the style of the actual covers.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]puipui
2008-05-16 05:44 pm UTC (link)
OMG I love you. *loves*

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]brown_betty
2008-05-15 09:19 pm UTC (link)
I KNOW I need to let this go, but grand theft is theft totalling > $1000. That's a hell of a lot of hickory logs.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]deliciouschaos
2008-05-15 09:57 pm UTC (link)
Hickory logs covered in diamonds?

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]hallidae
2008-05-15 10:58 pm UTC (link)
Hickory logs dipped in glitter covered diamonds that sparkle like thousands of tiny rainbows!

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]panthea
2008-05-15 11:02 pm UTC (link)
So... vampire hickory logs, then?

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]deliciouschaos
2008-05-15 11:23 pm UTC (link)
TAKE ME AWAY, MY BELOVED SPARKLY STALKER HICKORY LOG! *swoon*

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]luthe
2008-05-16 12:33 am UTC (link)
Is that like the Snapewives and the salami?

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]tangentialone
2008-05-16 08:47 am UTC (link)
Okay, so I idly googled hickory logs to find out how much they cost and how much $1000 worth of them would cost, and the first thing I get is this. XD

Yeah I don't think anybody's going to be carrying that out of the store.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]tangentialone
2008-05-16 08:49 am UTC (link)
how much $1000 worth of them would cost

...would WEIGH. Man it's late.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]hxmxcrashtrap
2008-05-17 01:33 pm UTC (link)
You could always just eat them in the store instead of carrying them out. Granted, you'd have to stay there over a few days BUT THEY'RE SO DELICIOUS OM NOM NOM NOM.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]perletwo
2008-05-16 05:21 am UTC (link)
I can't help hearing that whole quote in, like, Dwight Schrute's voice in my head. Or the Stephen Root dude from Office Space (Morton?).

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]mistressrenet
2008-05-23 07:12 pm UTC (link)
I'm watching Full Metal Panic! so it's Sagara Sousuke for me.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

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