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"I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days."
I... don't even know how to describe this.

It's a lovely time capsule of wank that took place in 2001; the Shrine of the Mall Ninja was posted in 2006. It seems the original thread is gone now. History weeps for its loss.

There are two lessons to take away from this: there is apparently an epidemic of ass-raping going on in malls across America, and there are a few brave men with assault rifles serving as the last bastion of protection between the ass-rapists and young boys' tender ass-virginity. If you don't respect your friendly neighborhood Mall Ninja, you, too, may be gang-raped in the men's room.

Who knew malls were so dangerous?

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caoilainn
2008-05-15 03:29 pm UTC (link)

But then again I think of the mayors nephew, his face distored with tears and terror, the GAP employees who asked for my autograph, and had to settle for a cover identity’s signature, the flashbangs, and their acrid scent, the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot, the target practice with my dearest comrades and friends, the members of my teams, and our live fire exercises-Can I leave it all behind? should I?

Or is my life better spent as the silent, alert, stalwart, invisible guardian of the free mall…

I cannot tell.

I wiped away a tear. I did.

Beautiful wank. A+

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	alya1989262 2008-05-15 03:44 pm UTC (link)
	the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot Poetry. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	caoilainn 2008-05-15 04:16 pm UTC (link)
	indeed. Can't you feel the atmosphere? (Reply to this)(Parent)

	capsulekei 2008-05-15 04:05 pm UTC (link)
	That passage is one of the funniest things I've ever come across. This is a beautiful post indeed. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	caoilainn 2008-05-15 04:16 pm UTC (link)
	This passage may be one of my favorite things ever. So much beauty. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	witty 2008-05-15 07:14 pm UTC (link)
	OMFG, the right side of my brain wants to call all the psych wards in the world, while the left side of my brain is shouting, "More! Moar of that beautiful crazy!" (Reply to this)(Parent)

	eldritch 2008-05-15 09:24 pm UTC (link)
	I screeched when I got to that point, seriously. I can't even sum up how beautiful that bit is. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	caoilte 2008-05-15 10:44 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you for making me choke on my water as I read this. @.@ (Reply to this)(Parent)

	aerobot 2008-05-16 07:38 am UTC (link)
	Oh my god that is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Even if this guy is just a troll I wanna buy him a drink for writing something that epic. (Reply to this)(Parent)

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