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Like a book club, except with more sex! (notjo) wrote in otf_wank,
@ 2009-01-21 21:22:00

Entry tags:

at least her mommy loves her, at least it's fun to mock, not racism wank! yay, otf_wank's thoughts on weddings

I have to admit, I don't even know how to sum this up.

Bride - or should I say, former Bride - reveals her theory that Brides are the Center of the Universe

After opening with her credentials to be advising Bridesmaids, she says:

And yes, my dear ladies, being in a bridal party is a job, and I am going to tell you what to do, thus this letter. I am advocate for the Bride in your life.

And then she goes on. And on. And on. With numbering, for easy reference. And then more numbering.

The comments are a fascinating mix of "OMG! you are so right!!!" and "OMG! You are so CRAZY".

The whole thing makes me glad I eloped.

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(Post a new comment)

tachikoma01
2009-01-22 09:52 pm UTC (link)

Remember: You must go to EVERY SINGLE EVENT even vaguely related to the bride or you are a terrible bridesmaid. You are not allowed to have trouble finding a baby sitter for your one year old child, you are not allowed to have unconventional work hours, and you are not allowed to decline driving over an hour both ways without being a bad, bad person.

I think this is the most important tru fax message I've ever read. *wipes a tear from eye*

Also, over 200 dollars is too much for any not-the-bride wedding dress unless it's a super special dress desu made from Edward Cullen's sparking virginal tears. Real diamond jewelry (if you're forcing them to get matching jewelry) is also off the list unless everyone in your wedding party is in Donald Trump's financial sphere.

Not that I'm bitter because I legally can't marry the gender I love in my state. Or anything like that.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	seiberwing 2009-01-23 02:13 am UTC (link)
	I do wonder what her list would be like if there were two brides at the wedding... (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	chibikaijuu 2009-01-23 08:54 am UTC (link)
	OH SHIT I THINK YOU JUST DIVIDED BY ZERO. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	wisdomeagle 2009-01-24 04:51 am UTC (link)
	She actually mentioned that! I was kind of boggled, but: Her family and his family(or the other her’s family or whatever variations we’re working with here) will cause enough stress I do not think she's really thought through the idea though. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

seiberwing, 2009-01-24 03:37 pm UTC

	chikane 2009-01-22 10:23 pm UTC (link)
	If one bride causes so much fuss, what happens with two? Yeah, I think eloping is the best way for sure, now. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	singe 2009-01-22 10:34 pm UTC (link)
	what happens with two? Good lord, the CARNAGE. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	jupiterpluvius 2009-01-23 02:33 am UTC (link)
	I have been to one wedding where both brides wore great big white puffy dresses, though they were both super-chill and not Bridezillas at all. And I have been to one wedding where the bride who wore a tuxedo was the Bridezilla, while the bride who wore a dress (an awesome red sheath) was super-chill. I have yet to attend the marriage of two Bridezillas. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	tiki 2009-01-23 02:37 am UTC (link)
	I don't think it's possible for two Bridezillas to marry... it'd probably have to be, like, one Bridezilla and one Bridegamera or something. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

chibikaijuu, 2009-01-23 08:55 am UTC

sadisticferret, 2009-01-25 06:04 pm UTC

heddychaa, 2009-01-26 01:10 am UTC

	aeka 2009-01-23 12:41 am UTC (link)
	If by "being an expert at weddings" she meant being an expert at speaking more rubbish than she lets on, I'd have to be inclined to agree. However, the only thing more offensive to my eyes than her inability to think outside the box, is her terrible writing. Her number of grammatical errors alone made me want to choke a bitch. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	notjo 2009-01-23 03:28 am UTC (link)
	Can you imagine what it was like before she put in the paragraph breaks? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	aeka 2009-01-23 06:50 am UTC (link)
	I can only imagine. Which only makes me glad I missed it in the first place or I would have torn someone's head off for sure. (Reply to this)(Parent)

evilsqueakers
2009-01-23 01:17 am UTC (link)

While I would love to be married at a low-country plantation, I ain't spending a lot of money for the reception...or killing my friends with demands. So, I figure a courthouse wedding and reception where everyone of importance can attend later on. Or get married here with reception later. Whatever.

Of course, that requires a boyfriend first, I suppose. Damn. Always a flaw in that plan.

Regardless, I'd be getting married in a very dramaless wedding. All the food will be whatever people wanna bring besides chips and salsa and lots of 2 liters of coke. I'll be providing lots of alcohol. Also, there will be no pigs-in-a-blanket. Done that for a wedding before, 300 handmade and then cut in half. I'll never be that cruel to another human. Ever. Longest 18 hours of my life.

Then again, I'm not psychotic.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	sparkysrevenge 2009-01-23 05:41 pm UTC (link)
	Pigs in a blanket just sounds, well, kinda tacky for a wedding reception. I'm used to them at bible school cookouts and girl scouts. Doesn't exactly scream "wedding" to me, haha. Though the rest of the ideas are good for a chillaxed wedding. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	evilsqueakers 2009-01-23 05:44 pm UTC (link)
	To be fair, the reception was held in a pool hall/bar thing that was owned by the groom's brother. So the venue was low key. We made them for the kids to eat, right? And the adults kept taking most. We almost hit the adults for it. You know me, I'm not exactly a princess. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

sparkysrevenge, 2009-01-23 05:55 pm UTC

evilsqueakers, 2009-01-23 06:08 pm UTC

sparkysrevenge, 2009-01-26 07:17 pm UTC

evilsqueakers, 2009-01-26 07:21 pm UTC

frequentmouse
2009-01-23 05:54 pm UTC (link)

One of my cousin's wives made miniquiches for her wedding reception. Not "bought from Costco" but rather "made by hand." My mother decorated her own wedding cake. Not coincidentally, both are numbered among the "Surprise! It's your wedding dy, have a period!" people I know.

I myself fought tooth and nail to have a small wedding at noon on the fall equinox (a Wednesday that year). Between marrying an Episcopal priest's only son, and my mother being determined to have a chance to get her social on, I ended up with three hundred invitations going out, and getting married in the church four blocks south of the Capitol Building. I'm still traumatized.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

evilsqueakers, 2009-01-23 06:01 pm UTC

jupiterpluvius
2009-01-23 02:36 am UTC (link)

I asked my Best Woman to show up and read a brief passage. I didn't care what she wore, but what she wore turned out to be very lovely and (completely by accident) coordinated with what my husband's Best Woman wore.

I had been her bridesmaid several years previously, and she had asked all of us to wear pastel dresses of our choice.

All my other friends got married at the courthouse or eloped.

Are my friends that out of step with the rest of the world?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	phosfate 2009-01-23 04:35 am UTC (link)
	The last wedding I went to was at a demolition derby track during its off hours. We all wore jeans and t-shirts. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	singe 2009-01-23 04:49 am UTC (link)
	Screw the courthouses! I want me a Disney Wedding! I want the Mad Hatter Bridal Tea, the Cinderella pumpkin-coach ride and frills, flowers and fairy-dust farting from every nook and cranny. Why? Because I'm an overly romantic nutbar and I just plain want it! (Reply to this)(Thread)

	kookaburra 2009-01-23 05:12 am UTC (link)
	That actually looks pretty awesome. And knowing how much experience Disney has at making things perfect, it would probably be pretty stress-free for the actual bride and groom. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

singe, 2009-01-23 06:02 am UTC

kookaburra, 2009-01-23 07:22 am UTC

chibikaijuu, 2009-01-23 09:03 am UTC

kookaburra, 2009-01-23 09:57 am UTC

evilsqueakers, 2009-01-23 03:20 pm UTC

kijikun, 2009-01-23 07:34 am UTC

	sparkysrevenge 2009-01-23 06:04 pm UTC (link)
	HO SHIT. You can get a reception in The Great Movie Ride. Kermit flail I may reconsider this "no Disney wedding" thing. Wonder if you can have one in the POTC ride at Disney Land... (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

singe, 2009-01-25 09:58 pm UTC

sparkysrevenge, 2009-01-26 07:14 pm UTC

masterofmidgets
2009-01-23 11:06 am UTC (link)

Huh. I was the bridesmaid when my aunt's ex-girlfriend got married, and as far as I can remember, my duties consisted of:

1) Don't trip
2) Hold flowers and walk down the aisle
3) Try not to laugh at the Catholic people
4) Don't accidentally flash everyone because the dress was homemade and the neckline hadn't been quite finished
5) Seriously, don't fucking trip

Clearly I was doing things horribly, horribly wrong.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

da_angel729
2009-01-23 05:04 pm UTC (link)

I did trip at the rehearsal for my sister's wedding. We had to walk down the front steps (there's three) at our house, and I almost pitched forward onto the driveway. Luckily, I didn't fall.

I was thinking after that I should've, though, because the best man (who was waiting at the bottom of the steps) was very attractive and he would've tried to catch me, right? I wasted an opportunity. :(

(Reply to this)(Parent)

sparkysrevenge
2009-01-23 05:15 pm UTC (link)

I've been a bridesmaid three times: Maid of honor for my oldest sister, bridesmaid for my other sister, and bridesmaid yet again for a close friend of mine. Since the first two were my sisters, it was actually pretty okay. Of course, with my oldest sister, I got stuck walking with an 11-year-old and everyone thought I was younger than I was (I was 16), and I tend to get stuck walking with "little brother of bride" or something.

The third time? Oh my GOD. My friend's mom? MOTHERZILLA OF THE BRIDE. We had to have the SAME exact hairstyle from the SAME, EXACT salon (My stylist gave me a more Grecian style than the "junior prom" style my friend's mom had chosen, thank god), clear shoes, and the same, godawful lavender dress. My poor friend basically had everything dictated to her by her extremely Type A mom. If she gets married again, I imagine it would be a very small ceremony, as far away from the spectacle her mom made her have.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	jupiterpluvius 2009-01-26 04:49 pm UTC (link)
	Clear shoes are classy with a capital K. Especially worn by Gerard Butler as Hunter S. Thompson! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

sparkysrevenge, 2009-01-26 07:13 pm UTC

mercorir
2009-01-25 03:30 am UTC (link)

So, I have a lot of experience with weddings.
I call shenanigans! She made no mention of the bridesmaids handing out the wedding cake, which is a somewhat traditional duty and far more relevant than buying the bride underwear for her honeymoon. 0.o

Seriously, bridesmaids are to provide moral support, help you get dressed, give you some support/company during the ceremony, help out with the hosting duties during the reception, and, oh yes, help you celebrate the happy occasion. It's supposed to be a happy and fun occasion, guys!

(Reply to this)

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