Particularly since none of ya'll are actually paying me.

Attention, everyone on Fandom Wank! I will now be offering my professional advice on how to write fanfiction and stuff your face with cheesecake. All free of charge! Really, your immense gratitude and making my name popular on the interwebs is all I could ever want except an I-Pod and lipgloss. So feel free to ask me to tell you what to do, it's my calling.