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Ilpalazzo ([info]ilpalazzo) wrote in [info]otf_wank,
@ 2009-08-18 23:53:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:my kingdom for a link

Seattle vs. Bad PR: FIGHT!
Ah Seattle, my wanky home.

This one's just a little niblet, but it is a wank so perfectly formed in miniature that I can't help but show it off.

fuzzinit makes a post in the Seattle comm advertising his little home-based business featuring high-tech spy equipment and self-defense weapons and, apparently, chastity belts. Screencap here.  fuzzinit, in so doing, breaks a handful of comm rules and is told so, and begins deleting comments which harsh his groove willy-nilly. O noes! Post swiftly disappears.

Helpful community member creates second post where people can freely discuss fuzzinit. With breathtaking efficiency and elegance, fuzzinit goes through the Seven Stages Of Wank straight through I DIN' DO NU'IN to a really nifty double flounce in about five posts. But hey, despite doing everything wrong, he got hits! And hits are what's important, right?

...The Seattleites are still chewing on him a bit, since despite the fabulous flounce he's still trying to cling to the moral high ground. And on that moral high ground is a big ol' knife and night-vision goggles!

ETA: Huzzah, I post this and then go off hiking for a day and come back to discover I've completely failed! Links should be fixed, on the off chance that you have not already taken advantage of helpful commenters covering my ass.

ETA 2: HOLY CRAP THERE'S A SEQUEL! More like a parody. Maybe an homage. At any rate, stutts whips it out and the love flows like wine. Our city-hopping small businessman is revealed to be a true nationwide phenomenon!


(Post a new comment)


[info]galletas
2009-08-19 04:44 pm UTC (link)
Link?

(Reply to this)


[info]liz_marcs
2009-08-19 04:58 pm UTC (link)
Your HTML is borked. Your links don't work. Fix please?

(Reply to this)


[info]white_serpent
2009-08-19 05:09 pm UTC (link)
Well, here's the second post.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]persona
2009-08-19 06:33 pm UTC (link)
Man. That was classic. Is it in the water? I seem to remember a few Seattle wanks along these lines...

Why doesn't the Chicago community ever get epic fights like this? The most we get is the moderator yelling at people who forget to tag their posts. Not nearly as entertaining.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]atreyu
2009-08-19 08:16 pm UTC (link)
I think it's because every Seattleite believes something slightly different and we all think everyone else is nuts.

Well, they are.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]doomsday
2009-08-20 03:45 am UTC (link)
That's seriously your take on the matter? Psh, weirdo.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]evilsqueakers
2009-08-22 09:37 pm UTC (link)
Well, the Atlanta comm is mostly overrun with a couple of trolls that derails any important post in order to be an asshole.

You can have ours.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]spacelogic
2009-08-20 04:44 am UTC (link)
Ahahaha, he posted it in the Las Vegas and Kansas City comms too?

Friendly Local: you're doing it wrong.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]somnambulicious
2009-08-21 01:05 pm UTC (link)
Oklahoma City, too.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]dragonfangirl
2009-08-19 11:38 pm UTC (link)
his little home-based business featuring high-tech spy equipment and self-defense weapons and, apparently, chastity belts.

I stopped here to admire the beauty of this sentence for a while before I read on.

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[info]jkefka
2009-08-20 01:40 am UTC (link)
Wow, I bet this is just a hum-dinger of a wank. I'm envisioning a battalion of popcorn macros and other such nonsense. The wanker's desperate flailing is no doubt put in its proper place by the witty repartee of a Nora Roberts lookalike and there is much dancing and festivity in the virtual streets.

Of course, I can't actually verify any of this, because there are no goddamn links.

(Reply to this)


[info]beejium
2009-08-20 01:44 am UTC (link)
*browses website*

Wow. This looks a lot less "self-defense" and a lot more "gonna stalk and kill my ex in a million horrible ways." Is this shit even legal?

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]doomsday
2009-08-20 03:54 am UTC (link)
I don't know, but the idea of someone defending themselves against would-be assailants with "Kit Rae Kilgorin, Sword of Darkness" (with art print!) is pretty hilarious.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]sarracenia
2009-08-20 04:46 am UTC (link)
Wait, you mean most people don't use throwing axes in self defense? I find this to be shocking.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]kosaginolegion
2009-08-20 05:23 pm UTC (link)
I favor a kau sin ke (seven sections, natch) and/or a katana, myself.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]tachikoma01
2009-08-21 12:40 am UTC (link)
Possibly he's trying to pass it off as self-defense because it wouldn't be legal if he didn't? *Not sure what Seattle weapons sale laws are like*

Kind of like how, at one point, dildos could only be sold in Texas as 'educational props'? (I think it was Texas. Correct if wrong?)

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]visp
2009-08-21 04:10 am UTC (link)
I believe they had to be classified as "novelties"

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]mcity
2009-08-20 04:45 am UTC (link)
"his little home-based business featuring high-tech spy equipment and self-defense weapons and, apparently, chastity belts"

That sounds like a setup for a Noodle Incident if ever I've heard one.

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[info]becktionary
2009-08-20 06:32 am UTC (link)
Where're the chastity belts on his website? Am I just failing to find them, or what? D:

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[info]sandglass
2009-08-20 06:35 am UTC (link)
I looked and failed also. And I really, really want to know.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]becktionary
2009-08-20 03:11 pm UTC (link)
Likewise. I feel that this is the most important aspect of the wank. Where are the chastity belts. D:

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]ilpalazzo
2009-08-20 07:37 pm UTC (link)
Damn it, I was assured there were chastity belts. Now I have to go on that site and actually look for them.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]tangentialone
2009-08-20 08:29 pm UTC (link)
I also can't find them! :(

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]becktionary
2009-08-20 08:33 pm UTC (link)
I feel used. I feel abused. I feel that this is not a fun mall online store after all and the media should be made aware of it.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]frequentmouse
2009-08-20 05:26 pm UTC (link)
It was a C+ Seattle Wank,at best; [info]cambler barely shows up,and there's no side-track into bicycles, dogs, public schools, Tacoma, or snow-removal.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]ilpalazzo
2009-08-20 07:42 pm UTC (link)
I consider it a fine example of the Seattle Speed-Wank variant. A full, luxuriant, self-indulgent Seattle Wank would probably also have featured digressions into Cap Hill clubs, Craigslist, and [info]xscene_laura.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]frequentmouse
2009-08-20 08:23 pm UTC (link)
There also need to be side trips critical of Greg Nickels, Paul Allen, and the 546 bus for the full Seattle Wank.

Have you any boxes? I'm in a hurry, Ihave reservations! Also, a job!

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]dragonfangirl
2009-08-20 11:19 pm UTC (link)
Wait wait wait, cambler is on seattle? As in, he lives in Seattle?

AUGH.

BRB MOVING TO OTHER CITY NOW.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]frequentmouse
2009-08-20 11:48 pm UTC (link)
Well, Issaquah, I think. But, yeah, it's a rare [info]seattle post he doesn't step into.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]white_serpent
2009-08-21 03:34 am UTC (link)
He's too close. D:

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]frequentmouse
2009-08-21 05:05 am UTC (link)
Hey, I'm an extra sixty miles (and four rolling slowdowns) away, and even that feels ickily close.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]dragonfangirl
2009-08-26 02:02 am UTC (link)
Maybe he'll get eaten by a cougar. I can always hope.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]tachikoma01
2009-08-21 12:41 am UTC (link)
You rang?

Oh wait, you said TACOMA. Nevermind.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]platedlizard
2009-08-21 12:31 am UTC (link)
Ah Seattle, Portland's slight more insane sister city to the north. Primarily because my relatives live there.

So hey, who else is going to PAX this year?

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]ilpalazzo
2009-08-21 07:10 pm UTC (link)
Me, me! I'll be working one of the game events actually, and I'll be wearing a grey and orange wizard hat. :D Feel free to say hi.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]platedlizard
2009-08-22 12:32 am UTC (link)
Which event? I'll try to say hi!

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]sneer
2009-08-21 12:41 am UTC (link)
"For every comment you delete I will sign up your website's customer service email address for 10 spam sites :)"

I am probably laughing a lot harder at this than is strictly necessary, but the threat + smiley just kills me.

(Reply to this)


[info]moosecharmer
2009-08-21 05:58 pm UTC (link)
He posted the same thing in [info]damnportlanders, and in a Pittsburgh comm as well, with comment deletion. Mostly the response is snark, so hey! Fun for all!

(Reply to this)


[info]moosecharmer
2009-08-21 05:59 pm UTC (link)
He posted the same thing in [info]damnportlanders, and in a Pittsburgh comm as well, with comment deletion. Mostly the response is snark, so hey! Fun for all!

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]moosecharmer
2009-08-21 05:59 pm UTC (link)
Whoops, I fail. Sorry!

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]tachikoma01
2009-08-21 09:03 pm UTC (link)
At first I thought Stutts was parodying the original-OP in the ETA post, and I was like "Pfft, whatever. That's kinda wanky." Then I realized that he was quoting the OP. Then I realized the OP had posted his ad in pretty much every major city community on livejournal. (Wonders when and if it's going to hit the twin cities LJ.)

Then I wondered if the OP went to the Potato Noon school of advertising.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]ilpalazzo
2009-08-21 09:24 pm UTC (link)
Minor cities too. And the whooooole state of Nebraska. :D

I could Google the Potato Noon ad style, but...I dunno, I have this feeling it'll sound cooler if you tell me what it is.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]tachikoma01
2009-08-22 02:04 am UTC (link)
My icon tachikoma is much more chill than yours.

There should be either a fandom_wank wiki or encyclopedia dramatica article for "Russet Noon." I can't remember how to spell the author's name but it's something like Lady Sybillia? It's a relatively recent wank so if you go to fandom wank proper and scroll back you might be able to just find it that way.

My comparison might not be valid though, because I thought fuzznit had written that blurb about "aggressive advertising" and his campaign, and that was what reminded me of it. But when I checked, I wasn't so sure that he was actually the one who wrote it. If he's not writing his own self-posturing press releases, my analogy falls flat.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

  
   
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