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tetradecimal (tetradecimal) wrote in [info]otf_wank,
@ 2010-05-20 13:36:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:otf_wank's thoughts on showering, shower wank (not the fun kind)

If you like hot showers, YOU ARE A SNIVELING, WEAK WASTE OF SPACE
Jeffrey Wells is here to tell you that if you take showers that last more than three minutes, you might as well be a drug-addled addict hiding away and shivering in a cave somewhere, wishing only for sweet, sweet death the comforting warmth of your mother's womb.

"I was reminding myself this morning that it's a sign of weak character to take long showers. Anyone who does this is a soft sister -- a person looking to hide inside the warm amniotic fluid of his mother's womb, which is what a nice hot shower feels like. This realization goes back to when I was in my early 20s. If I happened to notice that a roommate or some guy or girl who was staying over was taking ten- or twelve-minute showers (or worse), I would instantly write them off.

Those who take extra-long hot showers are the same people who take extra-long breaks or lunches in order to get away from office drudgery, or who hide away inside an alcoholic or nicotine or drug cave. Your average enterprising, disciplined, hard-working types take four- or five-minute showers, at the longest. If you're really hard-core you've finished in less than three. No exceptions, no excuses -- either you get it or you don't."

ETA: Oh yeah, unrelated but relevant link.
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[info]pariforma
2010-05-21 02:06 pm UTC (link)
My grandmother was capable of taking a three-minute shower that involved a thin trickle of water and no disturbance to her hair whatsoever, but I always assumed that was because her AWESOME OLD LADY SUPERPOWERS.

Needless to say, she came out shining clean and fresh, but like I said, SUPERPOWERS.

And in conclusion, let's send wossisname to a nice country with NO INDOOR PLUMBING. Meanwhile, I'll be in the shower.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]missdaisy
2010-05-21 02:33 pm UTC (link)
Awww! How cool are you? I just love that you attribute your grandmother with AWESOME OLD LADY SUPERPOWERS!

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]sneer
2010-05-21 03:08 pm UTC (link)
Someone took George Carlin's "armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth" bit a little too seriously, I think.

(Reply to this)


[info]veneotaqueen
2010-05-21 07:02 pm UTC (link)
Ah, this dude reminds of my lovely, idiotic, batshit insane Banana Republic president, trying to convince everyone and his dog that we must take three-minute-long baths using a totuma instead of a "capitalist" shower, and that he accomplished his bathing in a minute, chronometer measured.
But then, we were on a severe drought when he said that, and he only brought the conservationist angle. This Jeffery dude, on the other side, has issues.

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[info]naive_wanderer
2010-05-21 07:24 pm UTC (link)
I don't... I don't think I can really comprehend this. Is someone actually wanking about how long other people stay in the shower? WHO ACTUALLY STANDS AROUND FEELING SUPERIOR ABOUT THE LENGTH OF THEIR SHOWERS?

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[info]komorebi
2010-05-22 03:04 am UTC (link)
It might be the only thing with any length he could feel superior about?

[ba-dum-tssh!]

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]dragonfangirl
2010-05-21 07:54 pm UTC (link)
I have never heard of you before today but this is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever read on the Internet, no exceptions. Have a nice day.

This really just sums it up.

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[info]paranoidandroid
2010-05-21 09:41 pm UTC (link)
Note from a lab scientist who sometimes handles samples of the stuff:

Amniotic fluid looks like pee and smells funny. I wouldn't want to use it for a shower.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]ecchaniz0r
2010-05-22 01:59 am UTC (link)
He has probably never seen it, and probably not seen or indeed been near lady parts in a good long while on account of because he has the stank.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]kookaburra
2010-05-22 06:16 am UTC (link)
LOL, that's 'cause amniotic fluid is mostly pee, esp. in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]ladysphinx
2010-05-22 12:35 am UTC (link)
My long showers prevent me from indiscriminately killing a wide variety of people, which might include this douche.


Douche hahahahaha you see what I did there.

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[info]grapefruitzzz
2010-05-22 03:39 pm UTC (link)
I did hahaha.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]spawn_of_kong
2010-05-22 01:35 am UTC (link)
Actually, according to my older sister (one of her recent grad school projects was about the history of bathrooms), there's a long history of associating short, cold showers with manliness. :/

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]tachikoma01
2010-05-28 09:20 pm UTC (link)
Counter: At one point in history, (around the late 1800's early 1900's) houses of the wealthy were built with showers only in the bathrooms intended for males, and only baths in the bathrooms intended for females. Because it was believed that women's 'delicate skin' couldn't take the pressure of the shower and/or that women didn't need a shower as much as men cuz they didn't have to get up and do all that hard workin'.

So I guess it depends on what period of history we're discussing?

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]stepliana
2010-05-22 01:47 am UTC (link)
GODDAMN JEFF WELLS, I LOVE YOU. NEVER CHANGE.

I stopped reading his blog because he kept promoting a shitty movie clips site, but I think it's time to read again. There are some classics in there: the hat/Sundance story, the issues he has with obesity, his hatred of Rian Johnson - it is all AMAZING.

(Reply to this)


[info]duraniedrama
2010-05-22 03:53 am UTC (link)
Those who take extra-long hot showers are the same people who take extra-long breaks or lunches in order to get away from office drudgery, or who hide away inside an alcoholic or nicotine or drug cave. Your average enterprising, disciplined, hard-working types take four- or five-minute showers, at the longest. If you're really hard-core you've finished in less than three. No exceptions, no excuses -- either you get it or you don't.

Because ENJOYING life is absolutely unacceptable. You must SUFFER, dammit!

This makes me want to pour myself a stuff drink, light up a cigarette AND a bong and then go soak in the bathtub for an hour.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]funwithrage
2010-05-22 12:15 pm UTC (link)
Seriously. You have fun with that hard, manly lifestyle of yours, Jeffy boy.

I'll be in the tub with a glass of brandy.

Then again, I never claimed to be enterprising or disciplined. Sounds uncomfortable.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]reinhardt
2010-05-22 09:49 am UTC (link)
Dear Mr. Wells.

I'm sorry my bathing habits offend you. Have fun being a massive prick. I'll be over here having a nice, hot bath and returning to the metaphorical womb with a good book.

No love,
DR

(Reply to this)


[info]grapefruitzzz
2010-05-22 03:38 pm UTC (link)
Well, sure, taking a year off for stress or having a heart attack is so much more efficient than ten minutes of relaxation every day.

I'm so glad the 80s are coming back in every detail :D

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]queencallipygos
2010-05-25 04:38 pm UTC (link)
I'm so glad the 80s are coming back in every detail :D

I came of age in the 1980's. Which meant, I also had to live through 80's music.

Be ye not glad the 80's are coming back in EVERY detail. Because I'm not sure I could deal with "Son Of Kajagoogoo" or "Safety Dance 2: Safety Boogaloo" or anything.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)


[info]grapefruitzzz
2010-05-25 05:00 pm UTC (link)
Kajagoogoo were rubbish, but the Safety Dance is kind of groovy!

I still can't get over how vegetables like Leona Lewis are called pop stars these days.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]amy_wolf
2010-05-23 07:50 am UTC (link)
If I happened to notice that a roommate or some guy or girl who was staying over was taking ten- or twelve-minute showers (or worse), I would instantly write them off.

Funny, you know when I instantly write someone off? When the first thing I hear from them is an obsessive rant about how horrible it is that other people don't meet their particular arbitrary standard of sufficiently hardcore.

Those who take extra-long hot showers are the same people who take extra-long breaks or lunches in order to get away from office drudgery, or who hide away inside an alcoholic or nicotine or drug cave.

Add and extra couple of minutes to your morning coffee break, and you may as well be shooting heroin. They're basically the same thing, really.

(Reply to this)(Thread)


[info]tachikoma01
2010-05-28 09:22 pm UTC (link)
As mentioned above, though, he ALSO probably writes off any woman who isn't perfectly washes, shaved, and made-up.

Because apparently, women are capable of becoming perfect wank objects in under ten minutes.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]gairid
2010-05-27 06:27 pm UTC (link)
I loved the commenter who sid they showered in amniotic fluid.

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