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internet pseuicide: don't do it, lying liars who lie

wank, glorious wank.
So, the last few years of fandom lurking have spoilt me for quality drama to the degree that my everyday life is now serene and calm and completely devoid of any kind of wank or fuckery. For 99% of the time, that's great, but occasionally, the fanging for some good old fashioned dramz just gets the better of me.

What I really want, I think to myself once in a while, is a real-life wank that has *everything*: phony deaths, a bit of sympathy-scamming, easily verifiable lies, outright batshittery, and it preferably has to happen in Australia so that I have an 'in' on the context.

And like a beautiful, delicate snowflake falling upon the most virgin of blossoms, that wish was bestowed upon me. Not only in Australia, but in my home town, of all places!

Meet Clint Acworth, a some-time teacher now facing the banhammer with the Department of Education for ~~spectacular falsehoods worthy of inclusion in the Msscribe story~~ some creative life writing. His adventures included:

*Inventing a tragic family car accident that left him caring for three orphaned relatives, and being gifted with money and supplies afterwards by his co-workers to help raise the youngin's!

*Inventing a beautiful cop girlfriend who was shot on duty, and according to the Queensland Police, never existed!

*Falsely and publicly claiming to be a counsellor earning $85k per year on the Kid's Help Line - even though they'd never heard of him!

And plenty more!

Former students and classmates are corroborating the spectacular web of lies on reddit (trigger warning for typical homophobic fuckery as one might come to expect over there). I suspect there will be more to come over the next few weeks.

And the funniest/most depressing part? Not a shred of remorse or self-awareness.

Whats even more interesting is that he posted last night that there was some stuff written about him and that it's not true. And I quote "Sadly though, a former fb friend of mine has decided to stab me in the back when I am already down". This is after he deleted all the posts about his dead girlfriend and removed the pic. I think he will continue the charade for as long as he can. Quite sad really.

*Sniff* I salute you, fallen wanker. I salute you.

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	risha 2012-01-16 12:49 am UTC (link)
	The imaginary sort must be much cheaper and easier to care for then my four mangy mutts. And easier on the furniture. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	lainey 2012-01-16 01:02 am UTC (link)
	You've got your own pack! Must be a lot of work but a lot of fun too. Do they all get along with each other? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

risha
2012-01-16 02:28 am UTC (link)

Oh, so much work. You should see the looks I get when I walk them all at once (the largest is a tall 55 pounds, the smallest a 12 pound mini). On the upside, I'm never lonely (my poor cats barely get a chance at my lap), very loved, and very, very safe. I currently have one half on the sofa arm on my left and half on my lap, one on the sofa back and my shoulders, and two asleep on the sofa on my right.

Four really are a pack, so it can get... complicated. Three are good with each other. The fourth (the oldest and my first), Duncan, is the pack outcast - it's pretty clear that they wouldn't keep him around if they had the choice, so he sometimes gets picked on. Apparently at some point this summer he snapped, and went after Zach. I prevented any damage at the time, but I had to keep him carefully separated from the rest for months and months. And even then, he found another chance this fall and attacked Zach again. This time he lost decisively, so I'm hoping that he's learned not to try to fight his way up the ladder. Things have been chill while they're together for a while now, though I still keep them separate when I'm not there.

He really should have picked a different dog to go for. Zach's sweet, obedient, and extremely even tempered, but he's a strong, stocky pit/basset mix. He once put a mastiff with a 100+ pounds on him on his back (unharmed) in a matter of seconds, when it attacked the rest of the dogs at the dog park.

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	visp 2012-01-16 03:44 am UTC (link)
	My opinion on dogs is that you really should have more than one so they can keep each other company when you're not around, but it's just so much work. How'd you end up with 4? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

risha
2012-01-16 06:01 am UTC (link)

It was incredibly cliche, actually.

My ex-husband talked me into a third puppy on the argument that it wasn't too much for two people. Then he up and left me a couple of months after. I was completely blindsided, so I didn't argue hard enough when he took Duncan that night. I held up the divorce for several months in a "custody battle" - he already had possession so I wasn't going to get Duncan back, but I loved my dog and wanted to be able to have him when my ex was out of town and such. (Apparently Phill fought it because he was convinced it was some sort of weird stalking technique or something? He gave up immediately after I laughed in his face at the suggestion.)

During all of this, knowing that I would never have Duncan back for real, I caved in the face of the funny looking dog that looked so sad at one of those Saturday PetSmart pet adoptions. I had already had three dogs before, I figured, so I'd be fine. (Those things are dangerous.)

Then one day Phill asked me to take Duncan for a week or so while he recovered from minor surgery. That turned into two weeks because he was still sore, and then three weeks, and then the entire month, and eventually he offered him to me permanently. I certainly wasn't going to say anything but an enthusiastic yes. But I ask you, what did we fight over him for all those months for?

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	visp 2012-01-16 06:05 am UTC (link)
	Heh, weird. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	singe 2012-01-20 11:16 pm UTC (link)
	Those things are dangerous. God, tell me about it. The only thing that saves me when I accidentally stumble across a pet adoption event is my complete lack of money. When I find a better job I'm gonna have ALL THE ANIMALS! Also? Phil's a dick. You're well rid of him. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	risha 2012-01-27 01:31 am UTC (link)
	Also? Phil's a dick. You're well rid of him. Alas, the dickishness was always a given. I just wasn't generally the target. (Reply to this)(Parent)

lainey
2012-01-16 04:15 am UTC (link)

haha I've received those looks too. I do pet-sitting and have walked up to five dogs at once. Definitely got a lot of stares and questions! I really enjoy it, though. It's interesting to see how the dogs relate with each other and with me. There would often be jockeying for the position of who sat next to me on the couch and on my lap. The group of five, which included my dog and my roomie's dog, was the group I most often babysat. Funnily enough, my dog was the least competitive for my attention. He was a very independent little guy, though.

One of my fondest memories was when we would all sit in the living room together. It was much like you describe everyone in your comment. Kitties on the couch arms and back of the couch, dogs on my lap and beside me, and the big dog, Tina, sleeping against my ankles. So peaceful and comfortable! Everyone, except for one dog (Friska), has passed on but it makes me happy to think back on it.

I've had similar problems to what you've had with Duncan and Zach. Separation was the solution for mine too. Even right now, my two cats need to be occasionally separated. One is 2 years old and the other is 14 and when they fight...it can get pretty violent, unfortunately. So rather than let it get to that point, I've set up a room for the elder cat (Bebey) with her bed, litter, food/water, toys, and a heater. It doesn't get used often now which I'm very happy about. It's upsetting when two of your pets don't get along, isn't it? I'm glad that Duncan and Zach are doing better with each other. I bet the incident with the mastiff was a hot topic of conversation at the dog park for quite a while afterward!

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risha
2012-01-16 06:18 am UTC (link)

Walking that many at once is not really all that difficult once you've practiced a little, right? Just need a lot of patience and good untangling skills. It does get you a lot of respect from people who've never done it, though.

I was miserable for months, trying to figure out what to do if I could never have Zach and Duncan in the same room again. I eventually resorted to a muzzle, which I'd never used before. I still have it sitting in the kitchen, just in case. (I used the wire kind where they can open their mouths to eat and drink and pant, with soft leather and lots of padding, so it wasn't really horrible. But I still felt terrible every day when I put it on him.)

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	risha 2012-01-16 02:32 am UTC (link)
	And Max (on his back, above) just stopped by to try to claim the other half of my lap. Drowning in fur... can't... breathe... send... help! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	lainey 2012-01-16 04:17 am UTC (link)
	Awww, Max is adorable! How many kitties do you have? I could throw you a line to help you out of the fur pile, but even then...I'm afraid you may have to just wait until they feel like moving off! They got to get hungry eventually, right? (: (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	risha 2012-01-16 06:24 am UTC (link)
	I have four cats too! Technically I'm cat sitting two of them for a good friend who had to move to Florida, but it's been three houses and about three years now. The kitties have retreated, but, despite reshuffling themselves, I remain buried in dogs. I may be sleeping here tonight. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	iczer6 2012-01-16 04:39 pm UTC (link)
	Reminds me of when we lost power and two of my cats set aside their blood grudge to snuggle up ~~and tried to smother me in my sleep~~ at night. (Reply to this)(Parent)

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