Passionate Wanking
Man dressed as the devil disrupts ‘Passion’ movie

Moviegoers at Country Cinemas in Evansville attending a showing of “Passion of the Christ” got more than they bargained for Saturday night.

They were greeted in the lobby of the theater by a man wearing a ‘red devil’ costume. Tyler Wendell, a 19 year old freshman at the University of Southern Indiana, caused quite a ruckus with his get-up. The audience, many who were part of church groups, was visibly upset by the antics of Wendell.

”I always like to push the limits,” Wendell said.

It's a wank face-off! Who's wankier -- the easily offended Christians, or the college boy "doin' it for kicks"?


Selected highlights:

Once inside the movie, Christians began pelting Wendell with Gummy Bears, Ju-Ju Bees, and popcorn.

(Whatever happened to "Let he who is without sin cast the first Ju-Ju Bee"?)


Management got involved after a 75-year-old woman, Hazel Meyer, poured a 64-ounce Coca-Cola on Wendell.

(Where's the holy water when you need it...)


Scott Brown, a member of Corpus Christi Catholic Church, was outraged. “This is no place for this type of behavior,” Brown remarked, “This was already a sensitive subject, and then to mock it by dressing up as Satan is despicable.”

(But to dress up as Jesus... now, that would be a gas!)


Wendell, an atheist, said, “If God really existed, He would have struck me down for dressing as the devil.”

(Damn that God for not disintegrating thousands of people every Halloween! Or maybe he just has a better sense of humor than you do.)


Country Cinemas' management is in the process of creating new guidelines for preventing people dressed as “evil beings” from gaining entrance to the theatre.

(Well, so much for all those fanboys and their Balrog costumes.)


Wank, extra-special edition:

We at The Hoosier Gazette would like to formally apologize to Kerasotes and Tim Tolbert for any problems this article may have caused. Their names have been removed from the article and replaced with fictional names.

Right... and then you leave this sentence in the article so that everybody knows who the story's about anyway. Good one!


ETA: Thanks to an anon, I've learned that apparently the whole article is completely fictional, as is the newspaper it appears in. Damn those Onion-wannabes with their supposed satire that's plausible enough to fool area residents...