Wank - Not Just for Fandom Anymore!

UPDATE on Amy's Baking Company...

Tue, 21 May 2013 15:24:03 GMT

...or "Excuse me, how much is a slice of Schadenfreude Pie?"

***

Amy’s Baking Company gets lawsuit threat, nixes conference

The more than 1,500 people who have requested reservations to eat at Amy’s Baking Company in Scottsdale during its “grand reopening” week, which starts Tuesday night, will bear witness to the next chapter of one of the most vilified restaurants in the country.

The national media will not.

On Monday afternoon, the restaurant’s public-relations company, Rose+Moser+Allyn Public & Online Relations, announced that the news conference scheduled at 1 p.m. Tuesday had been canceled. Jennifer Parks, an agency representative, said no media would be allowed inside the restaurant and that the owners, Amy and Salomon “Samy” Bouzaglo, would not be giving previously arranged interviews.

A May 17 letter from the law firm representing the producers of Fox’s “Kitchen Nightmares” show, which featured the restaurant in its May 10 season-finale episode, may have prompted the Bouzaglos’ change of heart.

“If you disparage the show, its host, or its producers, you will breach your obligations under Paragraph 10 of your Personal Release and Paragraph 14 of your Participant Agreement,” states the letter from the Los Angeles office of Davis Wright Tremaine LLP. A breach would expose the Bouzaglos to damages of $100,000 each, according to the law firm.

“That’s not a hollow threat,” said Jason Rose, president and founder of Rose+Moser+Allyn, which is parting with the Bouzaglos after a short-lived attempt to restore their reputation. “That would get anybody’s attention.”

The Scottsdale-based firm will stop representing Amy’s Baking Company after Tuesday’s grand reopening. Rose said the two parties disagreed over public-relations strategies but declined to elaborate.

“It’s been a fun week,” he said. “From the time Amy called on Wednesday through tomorrow (Tuesday) night, it’s been a very challenging and exciting week. The number of reopening reservations is noteworthy and hopefully gives the restaurant a chance for success. We wish them nothing but the best.”

The Bouzaglos plan to donate 10 percent of the proceeds from this week’s dinners to the Megan Meier Foundation, which raises awareness of cyberbullying.

Amy’s Baking Company held a job fair Sunday in an effort to hire 30 employees, from hosts and servers to busers and cooks.

The owners had planned to appear at a news conference before the restaurant reopens to answer questions about the “Kitchen Nightmares” episode and its aftermath.

On the show, the Bouzaglos are seen yelling at and pushing customers. Patrons are unaware that the tips they leave for the servers end up with the owners. The couple refuse to listen to chef Gordon Ramsay’s criticism, prompting the British host to walk away from the restaurant before his job was done for the first time.

What happened on social media after the show aired elevated the restaurant’s problems to a full-blown crisis.

Thousands of people from across the country took to Yelp, Facebook, Reddit and other user-driven websites to voice their disgust with the owners.

A social-media poster claiming to be the Bouzaglos retaliated, spewing obscenities and vowing legal recourse. Buzzfeed called it “the most epic brand meltdown on Facebook ever.” Yahoo, Forbes, the Daily Beast, E! Online and Huffington Post all had stories on the Bouzaglos, who have since claimed their website and all of their social-media accounts were hacked.

The Scottsdale Police Department confirmed it is investigating “a report for computer tampering” taken May 14 at the restaurant’s address, 7366 E. Shea Blvd.

Amy’s Baking Company got into trouble for two liquor-law violations three years ago.

The Arizona Department of Liquor Licenses and Control cited the restaurant for serving a minor and for failing to use proper procedures for checking identification. The restaurant paid $2,000 in fines for the violations in July 2010.

Inspectors from the Maricopa County Department of Health Services turned up a few minor violations at Amy’s in 2012. That included failing to have proper sanitizer in the dishwasher, improper storage of food cases on the floor of the walk-in freezer and improper storage of a knife and pizza cutter.

The restaurant earned A ratings (zero violations) during three other 2012 inspections and the latest on April 2.

In 2003, Amy Bouzaglo pleaded guilty to the misuse of a Social Security number after she applied for a $15,000 bank loan. At the time, her name was Amanda Bossingham (her ex-husband’s last name). She married Samy Bouzaglo in January 2004. She surrendered to federal authorities and entered prison in late 2008. She was released in October 2009.

ETA: Loopywafflehead with some further updated links HERE!

Return of the ETA: The International Meanies are looking to deport Samy!

Revenge of the ETA!: Amy's Baking Company kicks us out after we find flies in the vodka (three times)

I AM NOT STUPID ALL OF YOU ARE. YOU JUST DO NOT KNOW GOOD FOOD.

Tue, 14 May 2013 21:43:35 GMT

Amy and Samy Bouzgala, of Amy's Baking Company Bakery Boutique & Bistro in Scottsdale, Arizona, appear on Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares. Aside from the incredibly poor service and food, they lie about baking the cakes they sell, and most of the photos they use on their Facebook belong to other people. Even worse, they verbally abuse customers and staff, and they keep their employees’ tips for themselves. Ramsey gives up on them, saying, “After about 100 Kitchen Nightmares, I met two owners I could not help. It is because they are incapable of listening.”

The owners didn’t listen because they didn’t want help. They only wanted Ramsey's compliments and praise in order to show up the ‘haters’ and ‘bloggers’ on Yelp and Reddit who are obviously out to get them.

Of course, that didn’t happen and the owners had an epic meltdown on their company’s Facebook page.

(All links under the cut lead to threads in the ONTD post about this topic, except for one.) It starts out pretty tame:

* We do not feel the need to make any excuses for our behavior on tonight’s show.
However we would like to make the following statement:
We do not, nor have we ever stolen or taken any of our servers ,waitresses, or waiters tips at Amy’s Baking Company.

We pay our staff members anywhere between $8.00 to $14.00 per hour to ensure that at the end of the week regardless of it being busy or not, that they go home with money and a well paid paycheck. As do many other restaurants.
They are aware of this when they are hired.
I would challenge any of our employees past or present to come forward with proof that we have ever done such a horrible thing.

So please enjoy the show!
Amy & Samy

A complete lie, obviously. Then we get:

* Samy and I will stand strong through the oppression that has been thrown at us. We ask that our supporters keep us in their prayers, through this rough and unjust time in our lives. Thank all of you, and thank God. We will not bend to the will of these haters and sinners.

And then things escalate very quickly:

* I AM NOT STUPID ALL OF YOU ARE. YOU JUST DO NOT KNOW GOOD FOOD. IT IS NOT UNCOMMON TO RESELL THINGS WALMART DOES NOT MAKE THEIR ELECTRONICS OR TOYS SO LAY OFF!!!!

* WE DO NOT NEED THIS. YOU STUPID PEOPLE. AMERICA IS ABOUT RESSLING, IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL. THE CAKES WE OFFER ARE EXPENSIVE BECAUSE WE HAVE TO REPACKAGE AND SHIP. DO NOT BLAME US BECAUSE YOU CAN NOT AFFORD QUALITY. THE YELPERS, AND NOW THE REDDITS, NEED TO BACK OFF. YOURE NOT RIGHT JUST BECAUSE OF SOME TV SHOW.

[Note: by ‘ressling’, Amy means ‘reselling’.]

* TO REDDIT. I FORBID YOU FROM SPREADING YOUR HATE ON THAT SITE. THIS IS MY FACEBOOK, AND I AM NOT ALLOWING YOU TO USE MY COMPANY ON YOUR HATE FILLED PAGE.

Then Samy rides to the rescue:

* This is Samy. I am keeping note of all names here. We will be pursuing action against you legaly, and against reddit and yelp, for this plot you have come together on. you are all just punks.

It doesn’t help:

* WE ARE NOT FREAKING OUT. WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT A "WITCH HUNT" I AM NOT A WITCH. I AM GODS CHILD. PISS OFF ALL OF YOU. FUCK REDDITS, FUCK YELP AND FUCK ALL OF YOU. BRING IT. WE WILL FIGHT BACK.

Especially when Amy does some bad Photoshop to make it look like they sicced the police on Reddit:

* SEE! WE WILL GET YOU

Please everyone we need to stop. The police have called me, they will be calling you too

And then it continues on like this:

* GO TO SLEEP YOU LITTLE KIDS! DREAM ABOUT BEING SUCCESSFULL BECAUSE WE HAVE A MULTI MILLION BUISNESS WITH SUPPORTERS! YOU CANT BRING US DOWN

* I AM WONDER WOMAN. I AM A GREAT CHEF, A GREAT WIFE, AND A GREAT MOM TO MY KIDS. AND WE WILL BE PARENTS TO A HUMAN KID, ONE DAY TO. WE WILL SHOW ALL OF YOU.

[Note: Amy specifies ‘human kid’ because she refers to her cats as her children. That wouldn’t be too unusual, except that she calls them 'little boys trapped in human bodies' and she also speaks feline.]

* YOU DONT KNOW US!! WE WILL THRIVE! WE WILL OVERCOME! WE ARE STARTING OUR FAMILY, AND WE WILL TEACH OUR CHILD EXACTLY WHAT >>GOD<< WANTS IN THEIR PATH. WE WILL TEACH THEM HOW TO FIGHT AGAINST OPRESSORS LIKE YOU PEOPLE! WE WILL START A GENERATION OF TRUTHFULLNESS AND WE WILL FIGHT TO BRING PLACES LIKE, YELP AND REDDIT, AND HORRIBLE PEOPLE LIKE GORDON TO THE LIGHT

* You people are all shit. Yelp shit, Reddits shit. Every shit. Come to here, I will fucking show you all.

Someone responds to this comment with, “Are you taking reservations for lunch tomorrow?”

Amy's reply is, “WE DON’T LET IN SLUTTY BITCHES LIKE YOU.”

Way to alienate the slutty bitch customer base, Amy!

And the last comment (for now):

* You are all little punks. Nothing. you are all nothing. We are laughing at you. All of you, just fools. We have God on our side, you just have your sites.

The drama made it to Buzzfeed, where you can find plenty of screencaps in case their Facebook is taken down.

Amy has also been convicted of fraud for using someone else’s social security number and taking out a loan.

People swarm to their Yelp page after watching the episode but most of those reviews are removed. However, it’s easy to see from reviews left before the programme was aired that the owners have always behaved this way.

A poster on Reddit submits the theory that the whole place is actually a money laundering operation. [ETA: Post has since been deleted. ~~I'll try to get it from my computer's cache but if anyone finds a screencap in the meantime, let me know.~~ Found a copy of the text on another Reddit thread, copied to the comments here.]

The full episode can be found here on YouTube. This post on eater.com contains a summary as well as a couple of clips from the show.

And ONTD speculates on the most important issue: what Gordon Ramsey would be like in bed.

ETA: Links should now be working properly. Sorry about that!

ETAx2: The drama is picked up by Yahoo and includes a link to a local news report on the episode.

And in a shocking twist, Amy and Samy report that hackers have totally hacked their Yelp, Twitter, Facebook AND website:

* Obviously our Facebook, YELP, Twitter and Website have been hacked. We are working with the local authorities as well as the FBI computer crimes unit to ensure this does not happen again. We did not post those horrible things. Thank You Amy &Samy

But this isn't the first time they've embarrassed themselves in public. A customer leaves a negative review on Yelp and Amy has a delightful overreaction. My favourite part is where she calls him a 'TRAMP' and a 'LOSER'. Article is here and the tv news report is here.

ETAx3: The hackers strike again! Five hours after their last post, someone using the company Facebook account leaves this comment in the middle of the 15,000 responses to their hacking claims:

FUCK YOU ALL ETA: Apologies, everyone! That comment wasn't made by them. I was taken in by a clever forgery.

Sadly, no news on whether the FBI are any closer to catching the culprits.

Forbes has also got in on the action: Six Things You Should Never Do On Social Media

A reporter from a local Arizona tv station visits the shop and has an interesting encounter .

A selection of fun responses to their hacking claims can be found in the comments below.

ETAx4: There's a petition to get the US Department of Labor to investigate the Bouzgalas and their treatment of employees. And eevee has made some fab icons here!

ETAx5: This is the latest post on their Facebook:

Other Side of Amy’s Baking Company Controversy in Scottsdale To Soon Be Told

SCOTTSDALE, AZ. MAY 15, 2013 -- Amy’s Baking Company will host a Grand Re-Opening on Tuesday night, May 21, following unflattering portrayals on national television.

Customers will be able to decide who is correct: a famous celebrity chef or the marketplace that has supported the small, locally-owned business for six years.

When re-opened, a portion of proceeds will benefit a charity organized to bring awareness to cyber bullying.

Seating is limited. Reservations may be made by emailing sjones@rosemoserallynpr.com.

Diners will also have the opportunity to meet, and judge for themselves the character of owners Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, who have devoted their lives to and earn their living from their small restaurant. The Bouzaglos have been married for 10 years, after Sammy emigrated from Israel.

The owners will likely be holding a press conference before the Grand Re-Opening and answer falsehoods depicted on a reality television show, including assertions that the restaurant confiscates tips from servers.

In fact, wait staff is paid $8-$14 per hour, two and half to nearly five times the standard hourly wage for servers.

Questions will also be answered about what happened to their Facebook page.

Amy’s Baking Company was recently featured on the hit PBS show “Check Please” and has received A+ reports from CBS 5 for kitchen preparedness.

“We are very upset by what has taken place, apologize about the acrimony that has ensued but now must fight back to save our business. We hope and believe much good can result from what has transpired. We ask the public to keep an open mind as we begin to tell our side of the story,” Samy Bouzaglo said.

For more details, please contact Michael Saucier.

I can't decide whether I want Michael Saucier to be a real person or someone who is just leading them on.

In more pleasant news, Katy Cipriano, the waitress who was fired on the show, has participated in an AMA on Reddit. She does have other employment and is doing quite well.

ETAx6: Press conference is off, grand reopening is still on, and future updates can be found in this post.

Woodsy Owl: A Beautiful and Cosmic Story

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 21:01:49 GMT

Okay, this wank is small, old, and played out over a period of several years, but it's too beautiful (and cosmic!) not to share. It came to my attention when Josh Fruhlinger of The Comics Curmudgeon fame posted about it on Facebook.

So Woodsy Owl is a cousin of Smokey Bear. Woodsy is a mascot for the US Forest Service whose original slogan was "Give a hoot -- don't pollute!" (It has since been updated to the not quite so owl-relevant or metrically sound "Lend a hand -- care for the land!") The official story seems to be that Woodsy was created in 1970 by a marketing agent named Harold Bell, who developed the mascot with a couple Forest Service employees.

Cue outrage on Woodsy's Wikipedia Talk page from not one, but several people who are convinced that they personally created Woodsy when they were kids, as part of some kind of national contest. Others claim it was a spouse, a friend, or a relative.

One of my favorites is user Giveahootdontpolute:

mary gail ainsworth (lapan)wrote this slogan in the 4th grade the forestry commission denied me of my slogans rights and violated my rights concerning the owls image !

Later, she returns to elaborate on this statement, this time bringing threats:

let one more person say they wrote my slogan and they will be added to this lawsuit!the forrestry commision knows the slogan came from shady grove school in laurel mississippi from a girl named mary gail ainsworth!me and me alone they gave me a first place prize certificate do you have one of those ?no you dont .

And a dramatic backstory:

mary gai ainsworth ,attended shady grove school in laurel mississippi ,she was illigally adopted into a family at age 4.Her mother was a heiress,her father was a billionaire! Robbed of her inherritance because of the adpotion i be d--- if anyone takes anything else from me! mary gail lapan

I also love this beautifully incoherent entry from user Argus10:

As an illustrator and environmental enthusiast working in my life both professionally and privately I have become astounded at the experiences received while uncovering the history behind the owl. Initially I rather staunchly attempted to reclaim what I felt was the historical information gathered over the years from newspaper articles, life histories and other information sources normally taken for granted in academia and the media. If I had known what has been revealed to me over the past few years in the beginning it probably would not have made a difference considering the fact it appears very little has changed in the world pertaining to greed. In fact apparently things have gotten undeniably worse. I sought to create a historical account of what happened, after all that is what I had been trained to do in graduate school. What I found was a rigid information gathering iconoclastic circus that had no intention of hearing or seeing the truth in how a simple shall we say undressed bird and slogan were originally depicted and presented to the world at large. After submitting a bit of documented information to the halls of historical copy-right despotism it was clear they where waiting for me with rebuffs. Those slightly toned down once the realisation set into motion the fact that amid contested confusion over the designer togs an assigned gender gave power to a bully denying all the previous children's award winning embellishments. Clearly the bird now male has a registry of documented parents. Historical fiction is now up for interpretation. So be it, truth apparently in this world comes at a premium worth threatening peoples integrity with lawsuits and stooping to blatant attacks against mental equity, low to say the least. Facticity been told, starlight and change the bird as you will, the touch, timing and original talent will always belong to me unharmed by discredit. What happened was a beautiful and cosmic story too precious to be sullied by print or a comic strip.

There's also some bonus wank in there about South Park and some kind of government sanctioned Woodsy costume burning. Plus people have started trolling the talk page (I'm assuming they came from Josh's post on Facebook).

ETA OMG you guys, OMG! Someone has been tampering with the Wiki talk page. Giveahootdonpolute's entries have been bahleeted, as have the more recent trolly entries mentioned above. Also, there's more of this madness here, with yet more people claiming that they, or friends/relatives/acquaintances created Woodsy. This just gets weirder and weirder.

ETA 2 This article from the Forest History Society attempts to explain the bizarre "I created Woodsy" phenomenon (see the grey box on the last page).

"'Only two people?' I asked"

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 14:57:53 GMT

This caught my eye because I have Claire Tomalin's Dickens biography in my to-read pile: a tale of Dickens, Dostoevsky, the meeting that didn't happen, the short story that didn't exist, sockpuppets, blacklists, and breasts.

TEAL DEER SPOILER VERSION (maybe not safe for work?): Stephanie Harvey, the originator of the "Dickens totes met Dostoevsky" anecdote that ended up in several Dickens biographies was a sockpuppet. She had previously written an article insisting that a Leo Bellingham short story was superior to a Doris Lessing story, while also quoting the titillating parts at suspicious length. The investigator writing this article, Eric Naiman, basically went "Wait, who the fuck is Leo Bellingham?"; Naiman waded through more scholarly sockpuppetry to an embittered author named A.D. Harvey, who complained that he'd been put on a scholarly blacklist with one other guy. However, One Other Guy also seems to have plagiarized A.D. Harvey's work: "Towards the end of [1988], Speck took the extraordinary step of sending the journal’s subscribers a supplementary article by Howard Nenner, a professor at Smith College, which was printed on gummed pages" to paste over (!) McGovern's plagiarism. WAIT, NO: "Speck then went to London and found the address from which the McGovern article had been mailed. Nobody called Trevor McGovern had been in residence there, but Speck learned that until recently one of the inhabitants had been A. D. Harvey." Dun dun dunnnnn. And then there's a lengthy discussion of fictional nipple coloration, which leads into recycled/self-plagiarized excerpts from the "Leo Bellingham" book:

Several other passages in “Graduate Sex” are nearly verbatim replicas of passages in Oxford, including a sexual partner who cries out “I LIKE you!” in the middle of coitus, and two nearly identical phrases uttered by women to protagonists in erectile distress: “I’m not used to feeling penises casually” ("Oxford").

AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER SOCKPUPPET NOVELIST. I think? I lost count, but there's at least eight (nine?) distinct sockpuppets/pseudonyms in there, plus the references "Stephanie" Harvey made up, and the name "Stephanie" may have come from a girl who was the basis for the dismally unfulfilling sex scenes of whichever novel by whichever pseudonym. She definitely has pink nipples that taste of zinc ointment, that's all I know.

When Naiman writes Harvey for comment, he replies,

“Dear Professor Naiman, What a coincidence: I was writing a comic novel about everyday life in Soviet Russia just at the time the regime disintegrated. Not that I can read or speak Russian, only French, German and Italian. I look forward to learning about significant overlap in your article. I hope you mentioned all eight of my academic monographs and my contributions to journals published in the US.”

Looks like I'm gonna have to paste some kind of correction into my copy of the Tomalin book. What I really want now is for Eric Naiman to turn out to be all of these people.

Common thought, or COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT ZOMG? Regardless, it's dumb.

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 00:11:54 GMT

Don't think this qualifies as fandom, so OTF_ it is.

Blair is the blogger/proprietor of STFU, Parents, a user-generated blog that culls parents oversharing on Facebook. It's been around since February '09. (Featured on this comm last August.)

She posted on Facebook this morning about a slapped-together article on msn.com, "15 Things Moms Overshare on Facebook", with obviously fake statuses. (Statii?) STFUP blurs out last names, but the msn.com examples have no space for last names, and I'd like to see a real baby announcement (#5) with zero likes on it.

While Blair is very upset about this, her readers are extremely mixed. 250+ comments so far, fairly evenly divided between "call a copyright lawyer, down with this sort of thing" and "it might be a coincidence, I missed the part where you are the only one who can do this sort of thing". Blair in the comments as well, getting snotty as time goes by, which is always fun.

"I never said anyone has to agree with me. But I would never tell someone whose page and blog I read for free that they're "whining" over a corporation stealing ideas. That's rude and unsupportive." [cite] (I personally would have thrown in a "buy my book!") "I do not have a monopoly on the concept of mocking parent overshare with biting criticism. I invented the concept. If someone steals my exact ideas, that's stupid. I am allowed to be annoyed about it." [cite] "Does calling me a foolish whiner have a purpose? Or are you just trying to hurt my feelings? Just checking." [cite]

And to hit the Bingo, there's definitely a bit of deleting going on in the comments. (Marshall Lilly who?)

Good times.

A Loki wank

Fri, 07 Sep 2012 02:06:37 GMT

NOTE: This should go without saying, but it doesn't, so: this is not intended to disparage anyone's spiritual practice. My own is so eccentric that I am hardly in any position to denigrate anyone else's! This is about the wanky squabble amongst certain Heathens who took it upon themselves to offer unsolicited advice to other Heathens about the One True Way [TM] to worship the Norse god Loki.

So on September 4th, a Lokean - a Pagan who reveres the Norse god Loki, not a Tom Hiddleston groupie - called w00lopt posted a photo of a dessert to zir tumblr with the caption:

Afternoon offering to Loki. Sponge cake, fresh strawberries and whipped cream.

necroticdoom, who has unsurprisingly deleted or renamed zir tumblr since this, replied:

um……what? Strawberry shortcake as an offering? to Loki??? WHAT? needless to say that is absolutely ridiculous in a myriad of ways. *bangs head*

Response was swift.

Tegidsystem:

Not everybody is a reconstructionist, and even for those who are, the lore doesn’t actually give much in the way of prescriptive offerings. Sorry, but I fail to see the problem here, beyond a disrespectful attitude and uninvited commentary towards somebody else’s belief system. -Isto

necroticdoom explained that stuff from the grocery store is UNWOOOOOOORTHY of Loki:

in what way shape or form, is a dessert a fit offering? Once you have the worldview down, then you can offer things of substance. Something you picked up at the supermarket? perhaps not- MAYBE if it was part of a feast, or grown locally, but pretty sure that shortbread and whipped cream came straight from the grocery store. What value does that hold? What sacrifice is that? Monetary? Highly unlikely. It is not disrespectful, its an objective view from someone within the heathen community- if someone posts something on tumblr, a public forum, then it is open to public discretion and comment. And AS a heathen, it would be within heathen worldview to value such perspectives, it helps people grow. This isnt about being recon or not, its about honoring and worshiping in a worthy manner. WORTH, the old word from which WORSHIP comes from. Please explain the worth in strawberry shortcake from the supermarket and its relation to Loki.

cunningsilverlinguist explained that if you're on a tight budget or if you have health conditions that prevent you from eating something you bought in order to sacrifice it to your god, that counts as a sacrifice. Then cunningsilverlinguist reiterates that it's not necroticdoom's place to judge.

w00lopt replied with admirable restraint:

I totally respect your right to voice your opinions and I hope you feel better now that you have done so. But, did it ever occur to you that you know nothing of my financial situation, what it took for me to put this together? The sacrifices that when into this?

You see it as something that is not worthy of Loki - that’s your opinion. What matters to me is what Loki thinks of the efforts that I make, and as far as I can tell, it was well received. It may not be made from scratch with home-grown fruit, but I gave the best I had to offer, I believe that the intent and the thought put into the offering matters more about where the ingredients came from.

I hope you feel better now that you’ve had your rant and opportunity to attack my beliefs and ways of practicing without knowing anything about me or my situation at all.

A brief debate over how Lokeans can tell from the photo if the dessert is homemade (and therefore, perhaps, a fit sacrifice to Loki, unlike that crummy storebought stuff) ensues.

lokisquarrel asks:

Wait… so offerings can’t be something we bought at the store? Does that include the ingredients? Do I have to grind my own flour or churn my own butter? Does every offering of mead/whiskey/etc have to be brewed by the one giving it for it to be valid? And what about other items. Does every candle or incense burned have to be hand dipped and formed by the ritualist? Every essential oil distilled by hand, every altar cloth woven from personally harvested fibers, every ritual blade hand forged, every drinking horn taken from a personally raised bull?

Spiritswhispering makes a comment which ze later changed on zir own tumblr, but because of how tumblr comments work the original version is preserved in other threads:

My thoughts… just because I KNOW you all want to know what I think, is that if you’re sacrificing something it’s the intent of the worshipper.

That being said, however, what the hell does strawberry shortcake have to do with Loki? Is he a fan of strawberries or desserts in lore? Does he specifically like fruits and spongy cake? Generally you want to keep it to their most favorite things.

Cream colored ponies come to mind much quicker than crisp apple strudel… just saying.

Actually, IMO apple strudel makes more mythological sense than strawberry shortcake; strawberries aren't indigenous to Europe and the Norse wouldn't have known them. Unless Leif Erickson brought a few back.

EDIT: Did a bit more research - this actually took a lot of digging - and learned that a similar berry is indigenous to Europe, though the strawberry we all know and love today is from the Americas and was only brought to Europe in the 17th century or thereabouts. /EDIT

A couple of people explain that everybody knows that Loki, like all trickster gods, loves sweets. eupheme-butterfly confirms this: "Hermes seems to get a kick out of Werther’s Originals and Butterscotch Life Savers. I maintain that it’s because they look like coins."

ulf-machado assures us that it's the intent of the worshiper that really matters in sacrifice, and then gives us a list of things Loki is especially fond of: pepper, pepper candies with chocolate dip [?], whiskey, cognac, kidneys, "And this sponge cake is perfect to Him. it’s notorious He loved this dessert."

rootandrock confides:

This one time? Himself wanted animal crackers. Witchfather, lord of beasts and the sabbat, wanted Animal Crackers. BAD. It wasn’t “Please get me some the next time you’re buying treats” it was “GO INTO TOWN AND BUY ME THE LARGEST BAG OF ANIMAL CRACKERS THEY HAVE.”
“But, Witchfather… Animal Crackers?” I asked, incredulous.
“DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCEPT OF HOW DELICIOUS THEY ARE?” He answered.
“Well, I mean… I suppose…”
“AND SANDWITCH FUCKING BUTTER BETWEEN THEM.”

…. good point, My Half-Beast-Lord… good point indeed.

achangingalter brings Pop-Tarts into it, which will please any fans of the Thor movie.

wyrdwolf informs us that "Loki says he really only likes the whipped cream. TruePG, bros." Well, I guess that settles that.

I don't know spiritscraft, but I suspect she is joking:

I am a goddess, and I very much appreciate strawberry shortcake offerings. Particularly from Burgerville. But none of this angel food cake, I demand and accept only shortcake biscuits with my strawberry shortcake. Loki’s tastes are clearly less refined, but what can you say? He likes what he likes.

rebootthememe says that her Loki likes Gala apples and white cheddar cheese but will not accept orange cheese. Well, yeah, even trickster gods have standards.

the-call-of-fenrir decrees:

Also, completely seconding what the others have said-no one has any right to decide offerings aren’t appropriate when the GOD HIMSELF said He would like that very thing.

Since I am not a Lokean, I will take the-call-of-fenrir's word for it that Loki has announced that he likes sweets.

salfarro follows up the discussion of Loki's sweet tooth by chiming in:

Actually what I’d like to add here is I hate people appropriating well established deities and giving them cute, cuddly, friendly, whatever attributes they never have. Reading these internet mythologies is like the worst self insertion wish fulfilment fanfic. Gag me. Just make up your own gods. Its not like a natural evolution of a belief system, its just fluff carnage.

gwenbasil calms everything down by invoking sexism:

You know what IS a traditional from-written-text-lore offering to Loki?

THE CRUST ON TOP OF OATMEAL WHEN THE OATMEAL BURNS.
A USELESS PIECE OF THREAD WITH A KNOT IN IT.

So you can just shut right the hell up with your play-viking saber rattling there. I smell someone disdaining a choice and a practice because it is associated with women and domesticity.

She later follows this up:

...Loki in the Christian era (as his traditions survive in folklore and superstition) is a very intimate, domestic figure. He is associated with the home and the hearth, and small everyday troubles (burnt food, knotted thread) are his clamor for attention.

THIS SEEMS TO ME to be basically identical to how modern polytheists who revere Loki experience him. Right in your face, knotting your headphones cord in your bag. It is one of those situations where people tear something down because it is feminine (and therefore Unserious) while ignoring the fact that Loki’s canonical, historical traditions are in fact feminine and unserious - a rhyme invoking Loki threatens him with a stabbing in the ass from his mother’s sewing needle.

The Loki of mythology is in fact himself feminine and unserious, and that knotted thread, froofy cakes, and accidentally burnt oatmeal are, with the proper mindset, perfectly acceptable and in fact excellent offerings.

(It smelled like another round of Girl Things Are Dumb to me, is what. And Girl Worship Is Dumb is an assertion I feel like I was put on the earth to challenge :P)

Arbitrarychicken tells us that many people attest to Loki's fondness for strawberries (if this does not work its way into Avengers fanfiction I will be very disappointed) and now knows what to do with useless pieces of string.

(I think I'm going to start sacrificing useless pieces of string to Loki too. Because of Reasons.)

A few people point out that what Loki does or does not want is something we mortals can only guess at anyway:

wickedtartan:

For real? I give him what I am eating. Cause he likes it when we share with him Who the fuck are you to tell someone what He wants? Are you Loki? No. So shut your mouth hole.

cleanlinens:

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A DEITY CONSTRUCT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT EVEN REALLY EXIST IS MORE VALID THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH A DEITY CONSTRUCT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT EVEN REALLY EXIST.

thegreenwolf:

Folks. Reality check. You’re arguing over whether a being we can’t even prove exists beyond our own subjective beliefs* would be pissed that someone got him a sugary treat from a grocery store. This is what I left Catholicism for?

*Don’t ask me how to empirically determine the existence of Loki. It probably involves uses of slide rules we mere mortals never considered.

cunningsilverlinguist sums it up sensibly:

That wasn’t really the issue that’s bugging everybody, unless I’m misapprehending the situation.

Here’s how I read it:

w00lopt posts pretty dessert offering. necroticdoom barges in and bawls out w00lopt, saying that w00lopt’s offering is inadequate and ridiculous. Everybody else in the Lokean tag bawls out necroticdoom for making such a blatantly disrespectful statement about somebody else’s beliefs and practice, points out how adhering to the lore also gets ridiculous results (oatmeal crust & knotted thread), and generally has a laugh about how common the UPG is that Loki likes sweets.

Only one person was actually arguing that Loki would be pissed off by it, and the problem everybody else had wasn’t whether or not Loki would be pissed, it was simply the fact that necroticdoom’s statements were so patently rude and out of place in their rudeness.

Naturally, mockery of the wankers followed. nicky ranted:

Is anyone else extraordinarily tired of hearing about the suitability of cake as an offering? Also, is anyone else embarrassed that a bunch of Pagans actually argued over cake?

Various people in the comments disagreed, saying that they had had a good laugh over the whole thing. arbitrarychicken rejoined us to say,

1) My gif folder now has a number of gifs that aren’t variations on rage, snark, or despair and 2) Cake is SRS BSNS.

I’ll never be tired of the fact that a lot of us (mostly previously never have conversed before) Lokeans actually got together as a community and had some fun. And cake was just an added bonus.

ulf-machado and cunningsilverlinguist created a satire of the Guy Fawkes song to commemorate the event. cunningsilverlinguist also wrote a spoof of Eddie Izzard's "Cake or death?" routine.

Besides, One does not simply sacrifice cake to Loki.

thebluemundane makes the most apt observation of the entire thread:

Loki sits back and watches the resulting arguments. And perhaps laughs.

TROLLOLOLOLOLOKI.

haemaholic agrees:

He’s probably chilling, laughing at everyone, and enjoying his fucking cake.

No doubt.

And meanwhile, w00lopt is apparently, I am happy to say, undeterred by the unsolicited criticism of zir observance and is back to posting pics of Sherlock and Avengers characters.

Source.

ETA: Since I posted this report, some of the tumblrs cited have been deleted or renamed. For those still interested, I've reblogged every relevant post I could still find on my own tumblr with the tag "cake".

(My macro.)

It's a ladies pen, for ladies

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 16:35:02 GMT

Many thanks to the anon on wank_report for this one!

Bic have released Bic For Her, a line of pens for just ladies. They are your everyday ballpoint pens except that the outer casings are in pink or purple, so that is how you know who can use them.

The first customer review is from Andrea, who is a very clearly a Bic employee:

OK - so I admit it, I have a pink diary, pink laptop and even a pink phone. But now I have a really good quality pink pen!! - It is really comfortable to use, writes smoothly and lets face it, it is great to have a pen that is distinctive. It stops your friends from pinching it as you immediately recognise that it is yours!! (although as it comes with 11 others, I have given my BFF one! Great price for 12 pens of this quality.

She gets called out for being a plant. Reviewers then proceed to have lots and lots of fun in the comments. A small selection of reviews:

1. My man friend helped me to order this product as he said it would be very useful for me, and this morning it dropped onto my doormat. I was very disappointed to find that this isn't a pair of shoes, an oven, or dishwashing soap. I don't really know what you expect me to do with it/them, to be honest - which is a shame, because I like the colours. I've arranged the thingies into a pretty glass vase for now xoxoxox

2. I am a huge fan of the gender binary. Without it, it's very hard to work out who to oppress … I write things, but not often enough to require 12 pens. Seriously - the only feminine person I can think of who produces that many words is Barbara Cartland, and she lies on a chaise longue while someone else writes down her dictation in any case. How many thoughts do you think I have in my pretty pretty head, bic?

Even if I did have a moment of wisdom, I would feel ashamed, keep it secret and hope like hell it would pass before anyone noticed.

3. As a MILLIONAIRE AUTHOR of BESTSELLING TECHNO-THRILLERS, I have to say that I was very disappointed with this pen. Whenever I tried to write punchy, in-your-face prose about the nuclear payload capabilities of the B-2 Northrop-Grunmann stealth bomber, I found myself instead writing about shopping, cocktails and friendship. And when I tried to write the title 'OPERATION CRISIS POINT' at the top of the page, I found myself writing 'DIARY OF A THIRTYSOMETHING' instead. Is Jeremy Renner gonna want to star in the movie adaptation of that? IS HE HECK.

4. I feel I must complain in the strongest terms about the sexism of this item. Where are the "For Him" pens? How can I embrace my masculinity, when there is no pen for me? Am I destined to just watch all of the women around me falling into a sparkly dream of ponies, crochet and butterflies, while I pace angrily here, unable to access the manly world of construction vehicles, barbeques, motor racing and science? I can barely adjust my crotch, I am so angry.

5. I can't help but be disturbed by the phallic symbolism of these pens. As a lady of refinement, the last thing I want to do is to be seen holding something resembling a gentleman's "member" in my expensively manicured hands. What happens in the bedroom is one thing but what happens in public is another!

6. Before I bought this product I couldn't write but now I'm an engineer. Mind you, I only design pink, flowery bridges, motorways and sewers. Blue ones would be wrong wouldn't they.

7. I can't recommend this product at all. I didn't pay attention to BIC's blurb and didn't realise they were designed for female hands and not male ones. It just didn't work but when I gave one to a female colleague she had no problem using it, obviously BIC are onto something here but I don't know what it is.

All was not lost however, I found that by removing the ink cartridge the outer layer is great for smoking crack as the rubber sleeve prevents it slipping from my fingers once I'm blazed.

8. I bought this pen (in error, evidently) to write my reports of each day's tree felling activities in my job as a lumberjack. It is no good. It slips from between my calloused, gnarly fingers like a gossamer thread gently descending to earth between two giant redwood trunks.

9. I tried these on a whim, and I have to say I wasn't very impressed. The applicator mechanism is far too fiddly, and the plastic tampon inside far too thin (not to mention uncomfortable and non-absorbant) - I'm sure there must be a knack to using them, but I couldn't find it. They also stained my knickers blue for some reason. I really wanted to like these, but it's back to pads for me.

10. How could I have missed my own deep inner need for such a product? It's just perfect for ramming straight up the hogs' eye of any sexist man I happen to be oppressed by - no more tabasco-dipped nasty old medical catheters for the misogynists in my life!

11. Pray, what is a 'pen'? I do like it so, because it is so pink, but I remain ignorant as to its practical use. Father says not to ask questions because it might give me wrinkles, and to carry on practising my charming giggle so I can one day ensnare a Duke - but I cannot help but be intrigued by the delicate pinkness of this curio. I can only assume that because it is pink, it is intended for a woman's useage. I am a woman, therefore perhaps I should have this pink so-called pen?

12. Despite the hype, and the colour, and the talk of buttons and tips moving in and out, this was the worst dildo ever.

ETA: The people on Metafilter are also having a jolly good laugh over this.

STFU Parents vs. The New York Times

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 18:13:36 GMT

STFU Parents is a blog about parents who overshare or otherwise wank it up on social media, especially Facebook. It's a snarky but relatively gentle sort of blog, for the most part.

The trouble starts when the NYT posts an article about Unbaby.me, a Chrome app designed to replace pictures of babies on Facebook feeds with pictures of . . . other stuff. The Times article mentions various "anti-baby" sites and blogs. It also quotes the STFU Parents tagline ("You used to be fun. Now you have a baby.") with no citation of any kind. No link to the blog, no mention of the blog's name.

B., the owner of STFU Parents, is not pleased. After posting about it on Twitter and Facebook and writing to The Times (which results in a hilariously wanky exchange of emails between B. and The Times' "Senior Editor for Standards"), she makes a lengthy post summing up the whole debacle on the STFU Parents blog.

The Times' excuse? They couldn't possibly publish or even link to an acronym that includes the word "fuck" in The Times, which is a CLASSY newspaper.

Salon and The Atlantic Wire have weighed in on the issue.

The comments on the STFU Parents post are pretty sane for the most part, but there is some entertaining Internet Lawyering (including a lengthy debate about whether B. needed permission to post the emails from the NYT editor -- kind of a moot issue, since she had his permission) and trolling. My favorite in the latter category: "I personally also think you should just get over it. Who cares, he just said the tagline. Do you own the tagline?" Followed, of course, by a small dogpile of "Yes, yes she does."

Oatmeal vs. Funny Junk

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 18:26:57 GMT

Copy-pasta of the Dear Author article, because it's comprehensive, and Jane gave permission for it.

The Oatmeal is a satiric cartoon site run by Matthew Inman. About a year ago, he noticed that his content was being uploaded without attribution to a site called “The FunnJunk.” The FunnyJunk is a site that contains user generated content. This means that account holders post things that they like from all over the internet. Maybe a pre-Pinterest sort of site. The Oatmeal writes to the FunnyJunk requesting that the information be removed.

FunnyJunk took down the comics but proceeded to create a mirror image of The Oatmeal’s website. The Oatmeal responded by asking his readers what to do.

The FunnyJunk responded with a call to action to its own users asking them to inundate The Oatmeal’s inbox and facebook page. The FJ’s users responded in droves using their arsenal of retorts such as gay slurs and incoherently misspelled sentences to insult The Oatmeal and his biological predecessors for having the gall to procreate and, I guess, learn how to spell and draw.

According to Ars Technica, after the furor died down, the FJ admin acted somewhat responsibly, possibly realizing that its site could be in jeopardy due to all the copyrighted material illegally reposted there.

When the flame war finally died down, the FunnyJunk admin issued an unsigned note saying, “We’ve been trying for the longest time to prevent users from posting copyrighted content” and “I’m having all content, comics, comments, etc. with the names of your comics in them deleted/banned by tonight… The site barely affords to stay alive as it is and has enough problems.”

The Oatmeal v. FunnyJunk could have died there in November of 2011, only to be a footnote in internet flamewar history. But no.

The FunnyJunk for some reason came into contact with Charles Carreon, Esq., an attorney who came into national prominence during the sex.com domain name lawsuit. Carreon penned a letter on behalf of FJ, threatening The Oatmeal with a lawsuit for the post where The Oatmeal points out that the FJ has copied his website. Carreon, on behalf of FJ, wants the post to be taken down and $20,000 in damages.

The Oatmeal gets a lawyer and responds back with well worded, backed by research, rebuttal. The Oatmeal also goes on to decide to raise money off this ridiculous situation because so many of his readers want to help but the money isn’t going to Inman, instead he raised money for charity. Initially, he only thought to raise $20,000 for charity but the donations came in thick and fast and in the end, Inman raises over $200,000 which is donated to The American Cancer Society and the National Wildlife Federation.

The Oatmeal v. FunnyJunk could have died there on June 12, 2012, only to be a footnote in internet flamewar history and with its own Wikipedia entry. But no.

The situation gains the attention of the mainstream media and Carreon begins to make personal threats. He expresses wonderment and dismay at the internet’s reaction (he calls it bullying) toward his legal demands of Inman and The Oatmeal. He suggests that there might be other legal problems for the Oatmeal such as the fundraiser being violative of IndieGoGo’s term of service.

The internet continues to make fun of FJ and Carreon. Other attorneys make public statements about Carreon’s actions which include statements like “Holy fucking shitballs inside a burning biplane careening toward the Statue of Liberty, Captain! I hope that the reporter merely got the story wrong, because if not, that’s more fucked up than a rhino raping a chinchilla while dressed up in unicorns’ undergarments. ”

The Oatmeal v. FunnyJunk could have died there later on June 12, 2012, only to be a footnote in internet flamewar history, with its own Wikipedia entry, and a few mainstream media mentions. But no.

Charles Carreon’s pride has been wounded. In his delusionary state, he must see that the only way out is to double down on the Jack and the Six (i.e., worse blackjack hand in the deck). He takes the situation to DefCon 5. Last night, Popehat was alerted by another legal watcher that Charles Carreon has filed a lawsuit against The Oatmeal, IndieGoGo, American Cancer Society, and National Wildlife Federation.

He transcended typical internet infamy when he filed a federal lawsuit last Friday in the United Sates District Court for the Northern District of California in Oakland. He belonged to the ages the moment he filed that lawsuit not only against Matthew Inman, proprietor of The Oatmeal, but also against IndieGoGo Inc., the company that hosted Inman’s ridiculously effective fundraiser for the National Wildlife Federation and the American Cancer Society.

But that level of censorious litigiousness was not enough for Charles Carreon. He sought something more. And so, on that same Friday, Charles Carreon also sued the National Wildlife Federation and the American Cancer Society, the beneficiaries of Matthew Inman’s fundraiser.

Popehat is a site run by a bunch of lawyers and they are offering Inman pro bono legal work and they are asking the internet the following:

1. Kevin and I have offered pro bono help, and will be recruiting other First Amendment lawyers to offer pro bono help. It’s not just Mr. Inman who needs help. IndyGoGo does to. So do the charities. No doubt the charities already have excellent lawyers, but money that they spend fighting Carreon (whatever the causes of action he brought) is money that they don’t have to fight cancer and help wildlife. That’s an infuriating, evil turn of events.

2. You could still donate through the IndieGoGo program The Oatmeal set up. Or you could donate directly to the American Cancer Society or the National Wildlife Federation. I like animals, and I loved my mother who died at 55 of cancer, but I have no qualms whatsoever about encouraging people to donate to those causes as part of a gesture of defiance and contempt against Charles Carreon and the petulant, amoral, censorious douchebaggery he represents.

3. Spread the word. Tell this story on blogs, forums, and social media. Encourage people to donate as part of a gesture of defiance of Charles Carreon and entitled butthurt censors everywhere. Help the Streisand Effect work.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, direct abusive emails or calls or other communications to Mr. Carreon. That helps him and hurts the good guys. I don’t take his claims of victimhood at face value — not in the least — but such conduct is wrong, and empowers censors.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part IV from Popehat.

Feel free to copy this entire post and repost it (even without attribution) anywhere you can.

Edit: EFF to represent the Oatmeal

Author wank, oh boy!

Tue, 22 May 2012 19:38:57 GMT

(Thank you to a mouse on wank_report for the following post which I am plagiarizing)

Self-published author Michael Robb Matthias make a self-promotional post in the forums of Fantasy Faction. Fantasy Faction is perfectly okay with authors promoting their work, provided they do it in the proper place, but moves said post into the "self-published and small presses" category where it belongs.

Robb duly takes this for the TERRIBLE INSULT that it is.

I am not a small press. I am an author with 18 titles for sale. That is more titles that some big publishing houses. I have advertising currently running in Locus, Publishers Weekly, Fantasy and Sci Fi, and Revolver magazines. I have blog advertising across the entire blog-o-sphere. I am not a small press or even self published. M. R. Mathias' books are PUBLISHED by Michael Robb Mathias Jr. and should be treated no differently that any big named publishers title. WHY? Because I do my job as a publisher too. Please quit sending my posts into the self published/small press thread. My titles are neither. I have 92k twitter followers @DahgMahn and 10 titles in their genre bestselling list. There is nothing self pubbed, or small, about books written by M. R. Mathias.
Thank you,
M.R.Mathias' publisher, Michael Robb Mathias Jr.

Commenters point out that this is... not really the best way to go about things and are accused of e-bullying, being sick, petty, and "jelous".

The mods close things despite the protests of a crowd of gleeful spectators on Twitter who aren't ready for the drama to end yet. Fantasy Faction posts a follow-up the next day, including a summary of the events on the forum, some mildly worrisome self-glorifying tweets, a few reviews indicating these glorious works of fiction are less than glorious, and Mr. Robb's claims of how we're all just jealous.

The fun continues on Twitter, where among other things, Mr. Robb calls Fantasy Faction Nazis and complains of censorship. He has at least four aliases on Twitter: @Michael_Robb @BookReTweeter @MrStubbs @NocturnMP3. But don't worry, they are, he informs people, all "licensed". Are your twitter handles "licensed," peons? I THINK NOT!

https://twitter.com/#!/dahgmahn seems to be where most of the action is -- but at one point, NocturnMP3 (admitted as being another sock) steps into defend...himself:

@fantasyfaction You suck, but only for banning M.R. He did NOTHING WRONG!

This entire conversation is comedy gold, of course.

@Gollancz I wanted to market my books to faction readers not indie authors. Its basic buisness. I dont want to now. Faction is all BULLIES!

Further highlights include this, to author M.D Lachlan:

@mdlachlan Ah you have publishers? 5th draft? You must suck as a writer. My #bestseller was wriiten with a pen in a prison cell. Two drafts.

WITH A PEN IN A PRISON CELL.

For your pleasure, you may also marvel at the spinning skulls and note the name of the main character of his latest book on his website.

wank, glorious wank.

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 15:32:15 GMT

So, the last few years of fandom lurking have spoilt me for quality drama to the degree that my everyday life is now serene and calm and completely devoid of any kind of wank or fuckery. For 99% of the time, that's great, but occasionally, the fanging for some good old fashioned dramz just gets the better of me.

What I really want, I think to myself once in a while, is a real-life wank that has *everything*: phony deaths, a bit of sympathy-scamming, easily verifiable lies, outright batshittery, and it preferably has to happen in Australia so that I have an 'in' on the context.

And like a beautiful, delicate snowflake falling upon the most virgin of blossoms, that wish was bestowed upon me. Not only in Australia, but in my home town, of all places!

Meet Clint Acworth, a some-time teacher now facing the banhammer with the Department of Education for ~~spectacular falsehoods worthy of inclusion in the Msscribe story~~ some creative life writing. His adventures included:

*Inventing a tragic family car accident that left him caring for three orphaned relatives, and being gifted with money and supplies afterwards by his co-workers to help raise the youngin's!

*Inventing a beautiful cop girlfriend who was shot on duty, and according to the Queensland Police, never existed!

*Falsely and publicly claiming to be a counsellor earning $85k per year on the Kid's Help Line - even though they'd never heard of him!

And plenty more!

Former students and classmates are corroborating the spectacular web of lies on reddit (trigger warning for typical homophobic fuckery as one might come to expect over there). I suspect there will be more to come over the next few weeks.

And the funniest/most depressing part? Not a shred of remorse or self-awareness.

Whats even more interesting is that he posted last night that there was some stuff written about him and that it's not true. And I quote "Sadly though, a former fb friend of mine has decided to stab me in the back when I am already down". This is after he deleted all the posts about his dead girlfriend and removed the pic. I think he will continue the charade for as long as he can. Quite sad really.

*Sniff* I salute you, fallen wanker. I salute you.

Apostrophes: Serious Business

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:09:43 GMT

I just... I think I'll just leave these here:

Waterstones, the bookshop, has dropped the apostrophe in its trading name and logo, sparking outrage among some of its customers.

"It's just plain wrong", said John Richards, chairman of the Apostrophe Protection Society

(Tried going meta by putting "Apostrophe's:" in the subject, but I think that was just too evil for the mods.)

His reviews, let him show you them

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 16:03:18 GMT

Courtesy of @has_bookpushers:

On first glance, this looks very similar to the YA author anti-reviewer meltdowns of last week. However, if you keep scrolling down, it becomes so much more.

Jane Smith reviews Mike Coe's Flight to Paradise ("On the whole then, a disappointment. The hints that I saw of the writer’s talents were outweighed by his clumsy mistakes and his apparent discomfort within this genre, and I read just four pages out of three hundred and thirty five"). Mike Coe begs to differ--and according to him, so do 40+ other five-star reviewers. Let him show you them, his reviews:

Mike says: January 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm: Harvey Stanbrough (whose work has been nominated for a National Book Award, a Pulitzer Prize, a Pushcart Prize, a Frankfurt Book Fair Award, and the Inscriptions Magazine Engraver’s Award) had this to say about “Flight to Paradise”. “I’ve told only two unpublished novelists (from well over a hundred novelists and short-story authors) their work was excellent–you are the third.”

Mike says: January 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm: “…this debut novel carries the promise that another Wiregrass native is poised to become an important part of the contemporary fiction landscape.” Wiregrass Living Magazine, January/February 2011

Mike says: January 1, 2012 at 3:54 pm: Jeffrey from GEORGIA writes: “I just finished “Flight to Paradise”!!. Amazing writing and a great twist. Took me on an emotional roller coaster for sure. Loved it. Thanks so much. Can’t wait to read “Flight into Darkness”.

Mike says: January 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm: Gail from VIRGINIA writes: “I VERY much enjoyed your book. You left a lot of food for thought. I sat in silence after finishing it. I awoke the next morning still—— chewing on “thoughts” It’s that kind of book! I believe a good author will do that to you with his writings. YOU sure HIT the nail on the head with this one! Your writing is so creative and quite exciting, too. Mike, Henry Ford, said…” THINKING is hard work…that is why most don’t do it” I love that you make me think…I look so forward to watching you grow each character in the next book! GREAT JOB!!!!”

This continues for more than forty comments. I mean, according to Jane ("So you don’t consider posting over forty comments on my blog in the space of half an hour to be harassing? Hmm"); my eyes glazed over after twelve. Jane then does a little digging and confronts Mike with the fact that 1) his book only has seven reviews on Amazon; 2) Googling does not substantiate that most of the reviews he posted even exist outside his own website (or at all); 3) two of them, by his own admission, are by his mother and father-in-law; 4) at least one of them was in exchange for a good review for another writer; 5) at least one of them, he posted himself under a pseudonym. Having finished spamming the blog with individual reviews, Mike proceeds to explain himself with deer so teal that he has to preface each paragraph in his comments with "Mike:" or "Jane:" just to clarify whether he's quoting or speaking. And there are multiple comments of epic length. A teal stampede, if you will. And while he is outwardly polite, Jane points out that he keeps projecting anger issues onto her ("Here is where I detect some of that frustration and anger"; "But to be so vindictive only shows that you have anger issues over this"). Also, he keeps insisting that she should meet him in real life:

At this point, based on the frustration and touch of anger I detect in your comment, I’m afraid it would take a face-to-face meeting to FULLY dissolve your belief that I am some sort of dishonest, rebellious malcontent.

You seem to be having trouble believing me or accepting my honesty—something I’m certain a face-to-face meeting would resolve.

Finally, people other than Mike show up:

crimeficreader says: January 8, 2012 at 4:55 pm: Hello. I just thought I’d populate the comments with another new name for some variety.

Mike has not responded to any of the new commenters. He has to sleep sometime, I guess.

'I didn't make it up, beyotch! I had a friend who faked her own kidnapping!'

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 21:08:20 GMT

Many thanks to the anon on wank_report for this one.

Julie Halpern is an author of YA books. She discovers the following review of her book, Don’t Stop Now:

I had high hopes for Don’t Stop Now by Julie Halpern. Y’all, it is a road trip book. Enough said. I love road trip books. Several of my favorite YA contemporary roads involve them. Needless to say, I was hoping to add Don’t Stop Now to that list. Unfortunately – it let me down in a big way.

The plot of Don’t Stop Now is totally weird. Lillian finds out that her friend Penny has faked her own kidnapping. She decides to track Penny down because the police and FBI are all over the situation. Lillian is freaked out. Can I just say – uhhh. The entire Penny debacle was kinda ridiculous. A plot line made up so that a road trip could come into play is what I got out of it. Lillian recruits her best friend Josh (and Josh’s car and credit card) to take her to Oregon – and Penny. Totally throwaway.

Anyway, putting all that aside. Lillian isn’t the smartest gal I’ve come across. For reasons other than heading out to find Penny herself instead of just telling the FBI where she is. She is wondering whether or not she and Josh should be more than friends. Well, I can take that one: NO.

To be frank (and slightly mean), Josh is a sorry excuse for a male MC. He is a total jerk. (Take my word for it. I’ve already given my copy of Don’t Stop Now away so I can include specific examples.) Lillian was funny, mostly intelligent (other than in her choice of friends) and incredibly nice. Girl: you can do better. I promise.

So, I don’t really much to say about this one other than the negative. The plot and characters completely let me down. Even if you’re normally a fan of road trip books – I don’t recommend Don’t Stop Now. If you have read and enjoyed it – make sure and let me know what I missed! I love talking to people with different opinions.

Enjoy the author's mature and professional response under the cut!

Halpern's first post (all posts have sadly been deleted but you can read the comments on this one via Google cache):

Google Trash

I awoke this morning with my usual google search of myself, and I came across a nasty review of "Don't Stop Now." I ALMOST responded. I fucking hate people who write nasty reviews! You already know that if you've read this blog post of mine. (Um, you probably already know that anyway.) There is nothing redeeming about this one. And, like I noted in my other post, the blogger goes there: "A plot line made up so that a road trip could come into play." Ugh! I didn't make it up, beyotch! I had a friend who faked her own kidnapping! Grrrr. She insults my main character and writes this amazingly insightful line in her "review" : "The plot of Don’t Stop Now is totally weird." Wow. Great. Okay. What really pisses me off is this blog has a ton of followers, who, by the two comments already posted, are just as delightful and loving as the blogger.

I know it should not matter what this blogger says about my book (and after just reading her bio, which has much in the way of potential mocking, I am just going to rise above). Because I am already SO FAR ABOVE in my life. Ooh, that was kind of mean, right? But I know this type of person, one who doesn't have their own accomplishments so they have to dog on anyone and anything to make themselves feel bigger and better. That's all bullies are, right? And hilariously, the internet has turned so many of the once bullied into bullies. Now that they have a voice and an audience, it's time for their power to come to fruition. But they're going about it the wrong way.

Negativity is never the way to beat down those who tormented you (is this sounding like I tormented bloggers? I just mean that, in my opinion, those who write critical reviews lacking in any actual thoughtful criticism obviously have some issues they're working through from the safety of their computer desk). Instead, why don't you get out and do something great for the world? Create something meaningful. Find happiness. Because what you're doing is DISCOURAGING PEOPLE FROM READING. Even a negative review, when written well and from an open-minded perspective, can give readers insight into whether they, no matter how the reviewer feels about a book, might like it. As a librarian, I may hate some books, but I would NEVER stop someone from reading a book. I even suggest books I hate to people because who am I to say whether someone else should or should not read a book? So, Ms. Blogger, you say you'd like to get your Library Science degree? Time to start thinking like a librarian.

I guess I did respond.

After receiving a slew of negative comments (including one from a friend of the reviewer), she responds with a second post:

Oh, Internet, How I Love and Loathe You

Take a breather, everyone. Geez! I am sorry to say that I will not even read all of the comments on my blog because I don't like the negativity. Yes, I was negative. Yes, that is hypocritical. But understand this: bashing a review of a book? That's bashing a few paragraphs that someone put some minutes into. Bashing a novel that someone put their heart soul, time, and life into? WAY DIFFERENT. And if you think my blog was not cool in some way because I used the word "beyotch" then you obviously wouldn't find my books funny anyway.

All of y'all who said I was mean because I mentioned things from the blogger's bio: you are correct. But one can never assume that what an author writes in their fiction is "unrealistic" or "ridiculous" because SHIT HAPPENS. To all of us. Do those of you who wrote negative things feel better? Is this how we should be spending our time? I'm writing a response because I don't feel good about saying mean things about the blogger. I apologize for that. But I hope this is a wake up call to bloggers that AUTHORS ARE READING YOUR REVIEWS. That doesn't mean you need to like every book, but try to be a little more thoughtful about the way you see things. I wake up and google myself because I love to read NICE things people say about my books. I love to find a teen who discovered something that they related to, or an adult who was bummed out and read one of my books and laughed, or song lyrics someone composed for a school assignment about one of my books.

I wish there was a "Negative Review" internet filter because then I wouldn't run into any of the things that ruin my day. It's very hurtful to know that so many people are reading negative things about something I worked so hard on, something I may or may not have lived through, and something I really like. Think about that. So all you book bloggers out there, try to make your next review a positive one about a book you really liked. Let's get more people reading instead of spewing hate.

And then, finally, the last post:

One More Time

Please stop commenting on my posts if you are unhappy with what I write. If you don't want to read what I write, as many of you said in previous comments, then stop reading it. It's making me sick that people are getting off on keeping this up.

ETA: Added link to the author's blog, which I forgot to do the first time around.

ETAx2: Broke up the text so it's easier to read. And it seems this is the month for author freakouts (thanks for the link, cleolinda): http://cuddlebuggery.blogspot.com/2012/01/first-five-days-on-goodreads.html

Web standards wank!

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 11:17:44 GMT

SCENE

A small coffee shop in San Francisco, lit by tasteful lamps and the glow of a dozen laptops. At one table sits Jeffrey Zeldman in his trademark blue beanie, musing at an article about adaptive web design. Across the shop sits Paul Irish, reading code commits and updating his blog. People linger around them, slowly absorbing knowledge of how to build a better-designed website and contemplating how to dispose of Internet Explorer 6 forever.

IRISH: We gather here today to launch Move the Web Forward, to advance our community and elevate the web platform.

The crowd oohs.

IRISH: I thank all of you who contributed—especially Dimitri, whose twittered words gave this project life, my co-conspirator Divya, and Mat, who put his blood and tears into this project.

There is a round of appreciative back-slaps and toasts.

IRISH: We're launching on Blue Beanie Day, the day of celebrating web standards. I am sad to say that Jeffrey Zeldman, whose blue beanie we all admire, didn't mention anything about us at all in his eulogy of blue beanie merchandise.

Crowd boos.

ZELDMAN: (gets up) I talked about this project all over the place, despite the ill-written website that lacked information on who was behind it. I cannot believe you would sink to this kind of whiny character assassination. You did the same thing with my magazine when we've reached out to you again and again. I suppose you must have a grudge against me. F— off.

DIVYA MANION: Please stop the drama. Drama is not a part of web standards.

BYSTANDER: We barely survived the browser wars, please don't start a web standards war. Ian Hickson is already about to start web standards war!

IRISH: Actually, you didn't link to Move the Web Forward. At all. Please stop using such negative language.

BYSTANDER 2: I have the internet! And the internet says you only posted this to Facebook! Not to Twitter or Google the Plus!

MANION: The web has been rotting, stagnant for a decade. What has anyone else managed to do? We're going to change that.

ZELDMAN: Paul, I've reached out to you again and again, and you just continue publicly trash-talking me. Whatever. Let's steer clear of each other but don't bring me up in your blog again. Also Divya, I totally like like this project but, seriously, I hate Paul.

A man enters the coffeeshop. Close inspection reveals him to be Jonathan Hoefler, purveyor of fonts.

HOEFLER: (tugs down his scarf) In the screenplay version of this conversation, we'd now answer the knock at the door to find a smiling, hapless fellow distributing religious pamphlets. He'd say something conciliatory and serene, and we'd yell at him to fuck off, slamming the door. Then we'd take stock of the situation, and share a good belly laugh.

Hoefler buys a coffee, and exits the shop.

BYSTANDER 3: Are we internet famous yet?

COFFEESHOP OWNER: We're closed.

*

Background: Jeffrey Zeldman co-founded the Web Standards Project and A List Apart, an online magazine about web development that is now publishing books and hosting conferences. Paul Irish co-created HTML5 Boilerplate, the new web development playground tool; contributes to jQuery, on most reputable websites and many ill-reputable ones; and works for Google. Jonathan Hoefler is responsible for many famous fonts.

Discussion paraphrased from Paul Irish's blog. Twitter has been replete with head-shaking and popcorn gifs.

I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 04:53:07 GMT

Oh, hey! It's yet another shady-looking vanity publisher who wants to charge you to publish your book and then not do very much with it! Which is probably for the best, as their grammar is not very good!

Oh, hey, they also threaten to sue if Absolute Write won't remove the "defaming" thread!

And then, ParaDon goes straight for the nuclear option:

if that's the case then you can expect our cyber attack within the next few days if the feed is not deleted.

Everyone lols.

Then, Intelligent Writer shows up to set everyone straight:

sorry to burst your bubble you guys, but i know somebody that's already signed to them, and his book is due for release next year

my friend is not a first-time writer either, so i trust there's something he found interesting about this publishing.

Board member Wicked replies with a single link.

All I know is, Intelligent Writer/Same IP As The ParaDon Email then

1) starts demanding to see everyone's résumés ("I'm still waiting for that resume that proves you know English grammar more than me");

2) mistakenly calls out Richard White ("Sorry to keep jabbing at you guys, but Richard White here is a self-published author. You out of everyone should know to keep your mouth shut. Hell will freeze before i self-published. Even though i may have to");

3) eventually declares, "shoot my mistake then, all i seen is that your book is PRINT-ON-DEMAND alarming!!!";

4) and finally flounces: "last time i'll be on this site. Next time you hear from me, i'll be post my own book like you guys/gals. You have nothing - no evidence - to back up your claims, and i've proved some of you guys to be a liar. And so i don't work for ParaDon, i just like heated debate. BYE"--

5) wait, no, gotta come back and re-flounce: "mistype.. before i'm ambushed. Correction. this is the last time i'll be on this site. Next time you hear from me, i'll be posting and self-promoting my own book like you guys/gals. You have nothing - no evidence - to back up your claims, and i've proved some of you guys to be a liar. And no i don't work for ParaDon, i just like heated debate. BYE[.]"

INDEED.

Customer service: You are doing it so, so very wrong.

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 01:24:17 GMT

Meet The Extra Reading Company, a "library of unique and amazing educational documents to which users can subscribe for access." Unique would indeed be the word, as Bridget Scanlon recently discovered (note: contains ableist slurs). Her price offer for a subscription to their website was met with ruder and more bizarre responses that probably took far more effort to write than a simple 'no. thank you' would have.

Bridget doesn't take this unprofessional behavior well, and word spreads. A post about the issue is made on Reddit, where it is discovered that the company has also been taking artwork from DeviantArt to use in their content. Joshua Mason, head of the company and increasingly suspected to also be the entirety of its staff, makes a post to the thread in an attempt to justify himself. It...does not so much justify as explain a few things about this company's PR policies.

This is the founder of The Extra Reading Company, Joshua S. Mason.

I'll tell you guys and gals like it is. Bridget lied to us--saying she couldn't afford to pay a measly $15 more for her YEAR'S subscription to our website and then, when we gave her some straightforward financial advice based on her lie, she reacted in an overly-emotional fashion. In response to that, we mocked her. She deserved it, on account of her bitchiness. End of story.

When we have customers who react STUPIDLY by making INCORRECT ASSUMPTIONS to our attempts to help them, and then REFUSE TO LISTEN to us telling them that they inferred the "tone" of the message incorrectly, they no longer deserve respect. We reserve that for customers, and prospective customers, who are capable of discussing an issue with logic and reason, as opposed to "menstruating all over the place" emotion (my wife especially loves this comment :)Authors of messages are in the VERY BEST position to tell you if you are wrong about the tone of written communication. BRIDGET stubbornly refused to heed this little nugget of truth. Why? She let her emotions control her response like a less-evolved person. Truth be told, I pity this sort of response.

I mean, can you believe the baseball bat that must have been stuck up her ass to make her demand we refer to her by her formal title of "Mrs. Henne." What a pissed-off little fruitcake! BRIDGET, lighten-up, sister, will you?

Now, I'm VERY surprised that BRIDGET decided to come to some craptastic online forum and bitch further about this issue. I mean, she claimed we were "harassing" her by not providing her with a name of a supervisor in our company. So, what does she do? She turns around and tries to get others to harass our staff. WTF? Is this chick out-of-her-mind with hypocrisy, or what?

What she failed to consider, in her revenge-seeking mode, is that I, and my staff, never type any words we fear will be regurgitated elsewhere. So, you can post my thoughts in 100-foot-tall letters on a billboard in Times Square for all I care. If we lose customers because of it, so be it. I'd trade a BILLION dollars to retain the ability to tell a patently WRONG customer that she needs to take a hike. However, in this case, the increased traffic to our website makes us A LOT of income. We have a deal with a major publishing company that gives us revenue based on how many hits the site receives. We feature some of their work in the members' area of the site, and they, in turn compensate us for the added exposure. So, is BRIDGET'S attempts here at teaching us a lesson an ABSOLUTE FAILURE? Answer: definitely.

Now, as I read your comments, I'm surprised to see "Deborah Markus" among them. This is a batshit crazy homeschool parent we dealt with years ago. She got overly pissy one day because we posted a message on her shitty homeschool Yahoo! group that informed them about our new business (this was years ago). This is one terribly jaded old woman. I was really hoping she'd be dead by now. Damn. Maybe someday soon, eh? We all have dreams.

Also, I LOVE the "memes" that people are creating with my picture. That is just pure awesomeness. Love it. Keep it up. E-mail them to me so that I can get a good laugh. Easier to get through the day at work when I'm laughing, that's for sure.

If you want to E-mail me accolades, or present me with an award for handing a nonsensically cranky customer her ass, here's my personal address: jmason@extrareading.com. But, please only do so if you agree with me. All of you reactionary morons that support this wayward non-customer with her misplaced outrage and ignorant sense of entitlement, please don't. I honestly couldn't care less about your support for her sheer stupidity in this matter.

BRIDGET would have rather we spoon-fed her falsely sugary-sweet customer service mumbo jumbo, than deal with her MISTAKE in an honest, straightforward fashion, as we did.

What would you rather have, dear reader, brutal honesty or a lie to PLACATE your insecurity?

That's what Bridget was after. She should really be ashamed of herself.

Other responses to comments posted on this thread:

"This conversation, is over." Totally Fight Club. Right on. Way to spot the subtle reference.

"You're mad as a hatter." I take this from an episode of Boston Legal. James Spader speaks it. Absolutely brilliant television.

I was NOT the author of the initial customer service messages to Mrs. Henne. But, I stood behind our rep and motivated her to start mocking BRIDGET for the latter messages. So, in a way, I am certainly responsible for some of it. *pats himself on the back. What can I say? I thoroughly enjoy antagonizing people who deserve it.

Although I am not autistic, nor do I have ASS BURGERS, I am most definitely narcissistic. Spot on!

Finally, as for the concerns of some of you that we are pilfering artwork for use in our materials, DON'T BE RETARDED. We take our work from many different sources and commission exactly ZERO of it. What does this mean? Well, for the most part, it means that we secure the rights to use images from artists by either asking to use them for free, or through purchase agreements, and THEN write materials to accompany said image. It's FAR CHEAPER to do this than to commission original work. We do not, and never have, credit individual artists, or writers. That said, the site is offline, and will be for a bit, as we make absolutely sure that we have the rights to all artwork being used. As the stellar executive that I am, I have directed our staff to take this very seriously. So, all of you who think you spot images we use on other websites, of course you do! We don't ask that the artists not show their work as part of their portfolios, even after we're using them. Don't be ridiculous!

Sincerely, Joshua S. Mason Founder / CEO The Extra Reading Company

It's very, very hastily deleted. But who is this fearsome hag they call Deborah Markus? She's the editor of the magazine Secular Homestchooling who's been the target of both insults and bizarre paranoia by ERC, to the point that they vandalized her magazine's Wiki page (note bottom paragraph). That saga could be a FW post in itself, but she's summarized the matter nicely. It seems they've got a habit of posing on message boards as enthusiastic teachers who talk up the company.

An anti-ERC facebook page is formed. Further plucky girl detective work turns up at least two more blatant self-promotions by alleged teachers who are most likely Joshua Mason in a flowered dress and sunhat.

The company website itself is down for about 48 hours after the story breaks, but when it returns it reveals even more problems with their idea of customer service. The only content is image files (even of their text, no idea why), but I've helpfully transcribed some of their Q&A section to demonstrate their dedication to customer service.

What is your refund policy?

All sales are final. Absolutely no exceptions. Since we offer a free document from each category of materials we publish, there isn't a conceivable reason why you would be unhappy in the slightest with your ExtraReading.com subscription after your purchase. [...] This is why we never process refunds. There's simply no need if you do your due diligence in terms of thoroughly previewing what we offer before subscribing.

"We don't offer refunds because you're stupid if you want one."

Can you re-send me a digital purchase I ordered previously?

So, if you lose your file, delete it, or your computer has a meltdown, your only option is to purchase the file again if you'd still like to use it with your students. To some, this may seem harsh. But our company is not in the business of protecting your possessions. Would you expect a publishing company to refurnish you with a copy of a hardback book when your house burns down? Of course not!

Do you align your documents with my state's learning standards?

Even with the ever-increasing adoption of the Common Core Standards, this isn't really necessary for our website. Primarily, what we offer are primary source documents. As such they can be used to toward [sic] achievement in virtually any of the standards directly related to literature. In other words, is it really necessary that we list the Common Core Standards for Literature that correspond to each document we offer? Almost all of them apply in one way or another. With this in mind, it shouldn't be too difficult for you to glance at your standards manual and quickly decide which of them are satisfied by using our documents in a particular way with your students. After all, it is our view that, as the professional teacher, you should already have a firm grasp of the learning standards under which you teach. Thus, it should not be any great hindrance for our materials to not be identifiably labeled with the multiple Common Core Standards any one document could be used to satisfy.

And the question which seems to support the one-man-company theory, How can I contact the Extra Reading Company by telephone?

You can't. There isn't a conceivable situation with regards to our website or materials that could require the immediacy of voice communication. As such, we avoid the expense of providing customer service by telephone altogether. Instead, our dedicated staff handles all inquiries exclusively by E-mail.

And they'd really like to help you nurture your beautiful young children's developing minds. Charming little business.

New management takes over fashion game, pulls death spiral.

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 00:52:40 GMT

Some background first: MissBimbo is, to quote the website "a virtual dress-up game for fashion girls". It's been around since 2007, and is a spin-off of a french website. It got some media attention when it first opened, because some of the content was deemed inappropraite for young girls - in order to pass level 12, your bimbo has to get a facelift as well as a boob job. If you google "Miss Bimbo, a lot of articles come up on the first page about it. For the record, even though it seems to be aimed as tween girls, a lot of the active users are older (I don't want to say the majority because I don't have actual data on that, but in my experience it's pretty close).

So, around mid-September, MissBimbo came under new management. Kind of. As far as I can tell, two of the original founding member split off and started their own company and decided to take the website in a new direction. From the September 23rd most post:

Miss Bimbo was always an anti establishment, non politically correct entity.

So we are going to cherish our roots and create a non conformist fun place to hang out for people who think Barbie, Stardoll and Farmville are boring!

Miss Bimbo is seen as anti establishment so we are going to embrace it and stop worrying about political correctness, media opinion and corporate nonsense. Long live the Bimbo

Basically, from the information given in that post and others, this means bumping the registration age up to 13 and a "a gradual shift to a more liberal and adult site and community in terms of themes, language and humour". That's okay, right? The mods promise that there will be new clothes and themes and fun things like that, and everyone's happy.

Until Thursday, when people log in and see this (NSFW - if you don't want to click it is... well, it's a cartoon doll with a giant comical black mess of pubic hair).

Previously, bimbos (when naked) looked basically like Barbies, no nipples, smooth crotch area. A few months ago, they added a bra and panties, which pissed people off. As can be expected, though, no one is happy about this.

The reactions generally fall under one of these categories:
1. Pubes are disgusting and unnatural and unhygenic
2. My daughter/niece/little sister watches me play this game and I don't want to explain to her what pubes are.
3. TMI this is how I maintain my pubes and everyone else should do it too.
4. At least give us the option of changing our pubes to match our hair color/wax it into the design of our choosing.
5. Why don't our bimbos have nipples/leg hair/arm hair/periods?

A few things point to this clearly being a troll move by the mods. First, when you save a picture through the site, the pubes disappear. Second, the reasons given for the change are completely over the top. I mean, removing the bush for only users with a Brazilian IP address? The reactions to this mainly seem to be people accusing the mods of racism and a lot of "WELL I AM FROM FRANCE/HUNGARY/CANADA/THE UK AND EVERYONE HERE INCLUDING MY GRANDMOTHER SHAVES THEIR VAGINAS". (And, of course, it wouldn't be a proper wank without someone threatening to sue.)

Also, there's already a rock that bush fashion contest (full disclosure, I entered this contest. The theme of my doll is "just returned from Burning Man" because I wanted an excuse to label the outfit as "burning bush") as well as a draw a bimbo bush one. It gives me hope that there are at least other people who think the whole situation is as hilarious as I do.

And now. a collection of random quotes that I thought represented this wank accurately, if you don't want to go through all 100 threads I linked.

I will not support something that I myself won't do. I do not believe that having your beaver hair stick out of your swim suit has anything to do with fashion. It has to do with a lack of respect for yourself and those around you. NO ONE ELSE wants to know how furry you are. This is NOT a good idea. If it is a must I would prefer to pay 5000 BD to have it surgically removed at the clinic then while I am there I can go see them psychologist about how much this affected me."

p.s. VERY IMPORTANT: do you want us to be more indipendent by fashion and men? well. maybe you could make our WORK salary more cospicuous than the money that our boys give us! this is chauvinism! not the pubic hair.. -.-

they are bimbos! they always look good...and always clean!!!!! men do not date beaver girls or any type of beaver! unless they suffer from a twisted mental disorder! these suposse to be about fashion not beavers!!!!

This is so ridiculous. I don't even look like this in real life because it's so gross, I shave it Hitler-style. And I surely don't want this feature in this site. Make it optional at least.

(I chose this one because the poster's name was CherylTweedy and it amused me to think of the real Cheryl Cole being on MB and talking about her pubes.)

1) Imposing a campaign participation on all of us is plain communist.
2) Membership ban based on gender is discrimination and cyber-bullying.

(I should mention that among other changes, the "Boys Lounge" section of the forums, which was a space for male players to congregate and talk was marked as closing soon [along with a few other sections] and it briefly had a message about male members being banned, but that was changed soon after.)

I think its unfair and if it offends ppl (which it does) then it should be stopped and i find the motto tasteless, offensive, and racist

On this new change here is my personal opinion. I am a Southern Free-Will Baptist Christian and to tell u the truth I believe u should have a choice but also God Has given this to u. I don't like it and I know my fiance doesn't. So that is why I wax all the time.

in my culture (america) we shave!!!!!!!!! i dont know ANY female who doesnt! my sisters, myself, my mom, hell my grandma! all of them do! its BECOME part of our culture! we dont all live in france where its full on natural.... not here.with this bush little boys will get on the site and.. well. i dont think i need to finish that sentence. its nasty.......

Step 1: A bush for the bimboStep 2: Bimbo bleeds for a week

Step 3: The himbos run away and want nothing to do with the bimbos

Pubes are really serious business, you guys! I have absolutely no idea where this whole situation is headed or if the admins are actually pulling a death spiral or if they are just the enormous trolls I think they are, but it has honestly been the highlight of my weekend, and I had to share. I am hoping for a new announcement tomorrow that either clears everything up OR causes even more drama. I will be happy either way.

UPDATE: The admin posted a new update today, saying that some Canadian users complained that the use of the term "beaver" was offensive, so as not to offend, they will be using the term "bush" now. Users for some reason continue to reply to him as if he is actually serious and not an enormous troll.

The Serious Side of Salad

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 01:01:19 GMT

Once upon a time, someone in facebook posted a "Why Geeks Make Better Boyfriends" list. Britney St. Patience felt the need to point out its inaccuracies. She prefaces it with "Sure there are geek guys out there who are great partners. But being a geek does not guarantee that a guy will be a great boyfriend."

It's a pretty standard 'Nice Guy' deconstruction.

The main highlights are:

Myth #3: Geeks are low maintenance
Supposedly geek guys make great boyfriends because they can subsist on pizza, Mt Dew, and your affection. Just wait until you meet one who will ONLY eat pizza and maybe 3-4 other foods, like some sort of overgrown five year old. It took me nearly a decade to get my computer programmer ex husband to eat salad. My Star Wars obsessed ex boyfriend could not be taken to nice restaurants because he refused to wear anything except ripped jeans and nerdy tees and would not eat anything he could not pronounce. LOW MAINTENANCE MY ASS.

and

Myth #6: Geeks appreciate women
This one is, by far, my favorite geek guy myth. The myth of the guy who spent all of high school playing D&D but secretly wanting someone to love and when he finally gets a girl he imprints on her and covers her in puppy-like devotion. OMG WHERE DO PEOPLE GET THIS SHIT? You know what really happens when guys don't get laid in high school or college and spend all their time reading coming books and filling their spank banks with Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfic? They fill their little nerd brains with unrealistic expectations, waiting around for what one of my gamer friends calls a "magical pixie girl". An unattainably hot woman, who will love the nerd boy not in spite of his nerdiness but because of it and somehow his life will be transformed by her love. And he shall get a job. And he shall move out of his parents basement. And he shall cease to be whatever it is he dislikes about himself because the magical lady doth love him. But woe to any girl who does not live up to his fantasy. She will be treated with the same regard as yesterday's Mt Dew cans.

So, a little harsh, but all in all not a matter for anger, right? Wrong!

It gets posted to Metaquotes, and it starts to get weird.

First, the appetizer of rebuttals that only confirm the post.

The myth of the guy who spent all of high school playing D&D but secretly wanting someone to love and when he finally gets a girl he imprints on her and covers her in puppy-like devotion. OMG WHERE DO PEOPLE GET THIS SHIT?"

They get it from reality. That described me perfectly. It happened. It still happens. She completely ripped out my heart and shit in the hole eventually, and I got over this pattern... but it happens. That's where people get the idea.

The OP is demanding, high maintenance, dissatisfied with all the men out there... and yet continues to put herself into relationships with people SHE DOESN'T LIKE in some misguided attempt to make them into something she does like.

Of course it doesn't work, millions of people can tell you that (and probably did), and now she's bitter as a result of her mistakes, and is shifting the blame onto a large and diverse demographic that, in the aggregate, does NOT actually fit all the stereotypes she is perpetuating about them.

But then Candidgamera shows up and he Does. Not. Like. Salad.

If the girl I was dating was bizarrely fixated on me eating a salad, it wouldn't take me ten years to dump her sorry ass.

Making your husband eat a salad makes you a controlling harpy.

What follows is an extended debate over whether asking your spouse to eat salad is controlling, an act of deepest love for your dearest one, or something in between. Over salad.

Wanky BNF: RL Version

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 01:08:40 GMT

Small, but it just goes to show that creator entitlement and pomposity extends far beyond fandom.

Background: Sylvia's Enchilada Kitchen is a Mexican restaurant in Houston that gets critically lauded at every turn. Also, the Houston Chronicle runs a newspaper segment where people can air their grievances against a restaurant wherein they had a bad experience. Also also, the owner/operator of Sylvia's can't take criticism.

Hilarity ensues. (WARNING: There's some race!fail in the comments, so read at your own risk.)

Thank you for the opportunity to respond to Ms. Griffin’s letter.

First, I would like to say that I am sorry Ms. Griffin was unsatisfied with any of the menu items she was served during her recent lunch at my restaurant.

Unfortunately, from time to time we do have a guest that dines with us who feels our food does meet their expectations. Throughout my 35 years in the food business, from research and development as a food scientist, to sales and marketing for a national food company, to owning a three restaurants and a food truck, I have concluded that food is very subjective, and it is impossible to please every single guest that we serve.

I worked tirelessly on each of my recipes to create the most authentic flavors possible. I use only the highest quality of the freshest ingredients available to create each dish that we serve. Through years of interacting with our customers, I have concluded that our most loyal customers are those with roots in South Texas, people of Mexican decent, and those that are knowledgeable about food. Our customer base is comprised of people that drive from all across our great city to dine with us.

In reference to some of the points made in Ms. Griffin’s letter:

1.) We do not and have never cooked with lard.

2.) Our complimentary salsa is served warm because it is freshly cooked with plenty of fresh herbs and spices, and we only use fresh tomatoes in the recipe. We do not use canned tomatoes. Our salsa is a favorite of our customers and is “medium heat,” which is what the vast majority of our customers prefer. We do offer a fresh habanero salsa for those customers who want more heat in their salsa, and it is available on request.

3.) Our chile con queso is described as cheesy and creamy, not spicy. It is a recipe that was recently selected as one of the top three chile con quesos in Houston, and our customers love it so much they buy it by the quart!

4.) Our chile rellenos are made fresh to order and have a light batter. Additionally, the recipe was never intended to be crispy nor does the menu describe the batter as crispy.

5.) The day of the week Ms, Griffin dined with us was a Tuesday, which is normally our slowest day of the week, yet we had a full restaurant at 11:30 am. By the time she placed her order at 12:40 p.m., the lunch rush was ending and that is the reason for the less than a full dining room.

6.) Her dining companions ordered the Mission Enchiladas, ... and the Encino ... . Our cheese enchiladas, with my signature chile gravy was selected by Texas Monthly as one of the ‘Top Ten Iconic Foods of Texas’ in its April 2011 issue, so both dishes had the same chile gravy, so of course “everything tasted the same.”

As a restaurant owner and chef, I have dedicated my life, as well as all my energy, passion and thought to providing the highest quality of food available to my customers.

It's...it's so beautiful. And rude. And incredibly condescending. Too bad us Houstonians are so deprived of Mexican food that we don't know quality when we eat it.

VegNews pisses off vegans everywhere

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 17:22:12 GMT

Thanks to a mouse at wank_report for this!

VegNews is "an award-winning vegan magazine and website packed with recipes, travel, news, food, reviews, and so much more."

"So much more" apparently means stock photos of meat used to illustrate vegan recipes. Comments are posted, comments are deleted, and users are banned when they point out that using photos of meat (some of them poorly photoshopped to remove bones) seems contrary to the tenets of the magazine.

“Thank you for your interest in VegNews. However, your inappropriate and mean-spirited commenting has violated the policy of VegNews, and we have and will continue to remove any future comments. Please know that we welcome constructive criticism from all viewpoints, and rarely unpublish comments from readers. Should you have any constructive feedback, feel free to email me directly. I’d love to hear from you.”

People are extremely not happy. (But their wanking is done in the most non-violent, humane way possible.)

VegNews posts a non-apology. Surprise, surprise, it doesn't go over well.

(Gothamist's closing line about this debacle is priceless: "Should VegNews change its name to CarnNews, was their apology enough, or is this all just much tofu about nothing?")

I don't know how, but this wank is definitely LJ's fault.

Sat, 02 Apr 2011 17:44:35 GMT

It all started simply enough: a spam email lands in a cryptography software mailing list. It turns out the sender got hacked. One person helpfully suggests using a stronger password in the future. End of story, right?

Ohoho, of course not. This is the Internet.

Dumping GShit would have been my first choice.

Okay, clearly something he hates is involved here, but I had no idea what it was. Is it GLib? Is there some kind of contempt in the security community for GNOME-based email clients and he's blaming the hack on their shoddy software? If you get past the urge to cover your ears and say omgdunswear, you might be puzzled and ask what is going on here?

His response can only be described as what would happen if anecdata, post hoc ergo propter hoc, confounding variables and J. Jonah Jameson Jr. had a baby. Somehow, even though the hacked person's email ends in @hotmail.co.uk, this is all ~~Spider-man's~~ GMail's fault:

I think you are misunderstanding what I am inferring. For starters, that is the 5th account that I have heard or known of that was hacked in March alone. I am sure that the total is far higher based on a simple statistical accounting of the number of accounts using GMail. Happy Rob :)
[...]
By the way Rob, and I mean nothing personal, my reference to GMail as GShit is fully in accordance with the how Microsoft has its registered name distorted into something entirely different on virtually every FOSS forum I have ever read. Google, in my opinion, is worse than Microsoft in many respects. If we are free to slander one entity by creating an aberration of its name, then certainly that right extends to all similar entities. I was certainly not attempting to offend you personally.

Just my 2¢.

Aaron responds with what's either the most polite or the most subtly sarcastic version of 'Cool Story Bro' I've ever seen, while pointing out the glaring obvious that while Aaron is using GMail, the actual hacking victim is not. At least we all know how you feel about Gmail though.

Aaand we have Snacky's law:

If it bothers you that Microsoft's corporate name gets turned into puerile jokes, it seems the way to counter that is to correct people when they do it. Otherwise you're just raising the stakes of childishness. Other people who come along will see your comments and feel there's nothing wrong with slinging some mud at their own personal subject of distaste, and the next thing you know we're all back in the monkey house flinging poo at each other.

I had a miserable time in high school. I left that behind me almost twenty years ago: I have no desire to see us revert back to that level of thinking.

The thread peaks with a smackdown of actual logic.

You seem to be inferring that the high number of hacked Google accounts is due to the high number of Google accounts, which would not support your apparent theory that it is because of the insafety of a Google account. But that is beside the point, although it might make Rob slightly happier.

That was all just in good fun, I don't want to start bickering about it.

But why in [insert deity of choice]'s name do you think Google had anything to do with a hacked hotmail.co.uk account? I receive this mailing list in digest form, and though I immediately curiously tried to access the full headers for the last few messages from Lee, I (re)discovered the mailing list sadly scrubs away all the nice headers. Doesn't it scrub when you select another delivery mode, and did you see a Google header there? And why does that make you sure the hack itself was through a Google service?

Small, I know, but it's just so completely ridiculous.

"You are a big rat and a snake with poisenous venom."

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 01:57:54 GMT

BigAl posts book reviews to his book blog "Books and Pals." Recently he posted an honest but critical review of Jacqueline Howett's "The Greek Seaman," giving it a two star rating because of its "numerous proofing, typo, and grammar issues."

Jacqueline Howett is not amused.

You obviously didn't read the second clean copy I requested you download that was also reformatted, so this is a very unfair review. My Amazon readers/reviewers give it 5 stars and 4 stars and they say they really enjoyed The Greek Seaman and thought it was well written. Maybe its just my style and being English is what you don't get. Sorry it wasn't your cup of tea, but I think I will stick to my five star and four star reviews thanks.

She then proceeds to copy-paste three of her favorite Amazon reviews of her book. BigAl responds, letting her know that the formatting wasn't an issue.

Howett responds with this gem.

My writing is just fine!

You did not download the fresh copy.... you did not. No way!

As to annoymous

Al was given the option of a free copy from smashwords the following day to download in any format he preffered.

Look AL, I'm not in the mood for playing snake with you, what I read above has no flaws. My writing is fine. You were told to download a new copy for format problems the very next day while they were free at Smashwords, so you could choose any format you wanted to read it in and if their were any spelling mistakes they were corrected. Simply remove this review as it is in error with you not downloading the fresh copy i insisted. Why review my book after being told to do this, and more annoying why have you never ever responded to any of my e-mails?

And please follow up now from e-mail.
This is not only discusting and unprofessional on your part, but you really don't fool me AL.

Who are you any way? Really who are you?
What do we know about you?

You never downloaded another copy you liar!
You never ever returned to me an e-mail

Besides if you want to throw crap at authors you should first ask their permission if they want it stuck up on the internet via e-mail. That debate is high among authors.

Your the target not me!
Now get this review off here!

She then claims all the anonymous commenters are actually BigAl and that BigAl should remove the bad review or else it's "considered abuse."

She just doesn't know when to stop.

I especially like that last link for this comment: "Well what should I expect of anyone associated to Big ALs snake pit and rat hole. You are a big rat and a snake with poisenous venom. Lots of luck to authors who come here and slip in that!"

And, of course, it ends with a "Fuck off!"

EDIT: I missed the "Fuck off!" Part Deuce. And here's an excerpt of "The Greek Seaman" on her website, if you'd like to read more about Greek seaman.

Cheezeburgers, Contessas, and Cancer

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 23:16:37 GMT

reading the comments and seeing the reaction of my roommate (while he said that he understood where I was coming from on this, he also gave me that look that tells me that he wonders why anyone ever lets me out in public, I realized that this was an error in judgement on my part.
I have moved this to http://www.journalfen.net/community/unfunny_fandom/profile as was suggested. Honestly, I don't know why it didn't pop into my head to post it there to begin with.

I sincerely apologize for my lack of cluefulness (I accept this as a word...it fits).

Happy Mardi Gras

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 20:59:15 GMT

Here's a collection of rather small but holiday appropriate wank. Enjoy.

It all starts over on cooking where ronin001 has some Jambalaya RAGE over some Jambalaya made with potatoes and radishes. In itself, it is pretty lulzy, but then it gets posted on domestic_snark where tingilya shows up to tell everyone about Mardi Gras and how only New Orleans can/knows how to celebrate it.

Then we make the leap to Cake Wrecks where the traditional Mardi Gras staple, King Cake, has been targeted and rage flies faster than beer soaked bead finds its way to exposed breasts.

Fun times on Fat Tuesday. \o/