Dearest lab partner,

I realize you are smarter than me. I realize you have done a great deal of work on this lab report, because for you everything is effortless and calculus is easy peasy and enthalpy is the simplest of concepts. I realize I should've been doing stuff earlier, but damn it, I've had wall-to-wall assignments. I've been working hard to finish all the other stuff so that today I could concentrate on this lab report.

Obviously that didn't happen, because at the last minute I had to go to the hospital and visit my grandmother, who may be dying. I emailed you to warn you about this, despite the fact that between finding out she was very sick and then going to the hospital, I had about ten minutes to email you and then get ready. I seriously considered staying at home and not visiting her because this report is a mess and I didn't want to let you guys down, but she's my grandmother, and I only ever see her at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I see you five days a week and I always felt kind of bad that, for some reason, I just didn't like you. But I don't. And I like my grandmother. So she won out.

You are very fortunate that I was not on campus when I read your reply email, which yelled at me for using this as an excuse to be lazy and not do anything and REAP the REWARDS of your BRILLIANCE. I was, in fact, using it as an excuse to burst into tears due to SHEER STRESS, but you thoughtfully changed my emotional state from despair to MURDEROUS RAGE. I could understand your maybe being skeptical about this whole ridiculous dying-grandmother thing, because it sounds like a really lame excuse I just made up so I could do whatever normal people do on normal weekends. But if I were reallly that much of a bitch, no amount of you yelling at me could get me to do anything for this lab, while the end result of it in this case was making my day twenty times worse.

Also, now that you are graciously letting me edit the theory and conclusion sections you've sent me, I can say with some authority that you are an incredibly crappy writer. I mean, to the point where I am earnestly hoping our other lab partner wrote sections of it in German for fun, and then fed it through Babelfish rather than translating it himself. But, see, then there would be more randomly capitalized Nouns, and I'm getting more of an e e cummings wannabe vibe here. But... seriously, how did you even get into college? RUN-ON SENTENCES ARE BAD. CAPITALIZATION OF PROPER NOUNS IS GOOD. REGURGITATING THINGS FROM THE TEXTBOOK WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING THE VOCABULARY IS DUMB, because the professor will ask us to explain it, and we won't be able to, and he'll give us that "Why do I even bother?" look. Your procedure doesn't even indicate what data we measured; it kind of leads the reader to believe we just cranked the mercury up and down and went OOH, PRETTY SILVER STUFF.

Also? Repulsive forces do not simply disappear when gases become liquids. That's why liquids are relatively incompressible. Repulsive forces are ever-present, and quite strong even in solids; I know this because when I walk around, I don't fall through the floor. If what you said was true, gases would be the most solid things EVAR, and solids and liquids would be ghostly. (Disclaimer: if anyone knows more about this than I do, and I am wrong, please educate me; I am willing to learn.)

Wishing your repulsive forces weren't so strong (because then you'd go DIRECTLY TO HELL),
Kaesa