Entry tags:

remus/tonks, remus/tonks/sirius

FIC: Vestiges (Remus/Tonks, Remus/Tonks/Sirius)
To: penknife
From: Your Secret Santa

Title:Vestiges
Author: ozma_katiebell
Pairing(s):Remus/Tonks, (past) Remus/Sirius , Remus/Tonks/Sirius
Summary: It was supposed to be simple.  It was just sex, and I wanted to have it with both of them.  So why did it have to get so complicated?
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Minor incest (Sirius/Tonks, but theirs is not the focus of this story) Also, Sirius' death is dealt with here.
Author's notes:  Grateful thanks to my trusty beta.  To my recipient: Merry Christmas, and I hope it fits.  If nothing else, it sure beats a fruitcake. 

How do I always get myself into these muddles? That’s what I want to know. Oh, I see you trying not to laugh, you old bugger, but I’ve got a real problem here, and I don’t even think your brother could come up with the answers.  He’d probably go off on one of his lectures on love, but that’s what got me into this mess, isn’t it?  Love for the both of them, though apparently not the same degree of love, or anything remotely like the love they had for each other, which was…ugh.  Complicated.  Why does everything always have to get so bloody complicated, anyway?

It was the perfect solution, in my book.  It was supposed to be simple, right?  It was just sex, and I wanted to have it with both of them.  Hey, I’m twenty-three, or I was, and isn’t this supposed to be the time in my life when I do foolish, ill-advised, completely mad/hot things like that?  I don’t want to be a hundred and twenty and look back at my life and wish I’d been had more fun.  Well, don’t look at me like that, you old pervert, no one will have had a wilder life than you, but then you’re completely mental, aren’t you?  I’ve heard about you and those goats, everyone has.  Look at them; they’re bloody well terrified of you.  

But yeah, I thought (and I did think it over, really) why the hell not?  I had the chance at a list of things that every girl I know only wishes she’d had the opportunity to do.  Threesome?   Check.  Voyeurism?  Check.  Werewolf sex?  Check.  Escaped felon sex?  Check.  Sexy, experienced older man? Check, check.  Incest?  Well, that depends on who you ask, doesn’t it?  Odds were if Mum hadn’t run off with Dad and Sirius hadn’t told his mum to sod off…well, the Blacks’d probably have thought we were a jolly good match.  Which is why the whole lot of them are complete nutters, but that’s a different subject entirely, isn’t it?  And the fact is; we were a good match.  I knew how to drag him out of his blue funks better than anyone—even Remus acknowledged that. 

Blimey, what fun we had together.  Sirius really had a rather brilliant head for mischief when he wasn’t locked in his room feeling sorry for himself.   Never gonna forget the time he decided to torture his mother’s portrait by pretending to fuck me up against a wall just out of her view.  Bloody hell, that woman’s voice could shatter glass, but I sure as shit gave her a run for her galleons.  I knew those singing lessons Mum forced on me would come in handy one day.  Bet you didn't know that ‘Sirius’ could be turned into fourteen syllables, did you?  And I'd like to take credit for an impressive variety of dirty metaphors, but you can thank the boys in the Auror changing room for that, not to mention the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.  And when the two of us paired up to tease Remus—that was the most fun of all.  A couple of big kids against the ultimate grown up, and damn if we didn't manage to make him give in and play along with us most of the time.  I think it was good for him to throw caution to the wind on occasion.

But that was long before any of this really got started, back when I used to drop by from time to time to cheer the pair of them up.  Or at least that’s what I told myself, but in reality, I always left with a giant grin on my face because they were fabulous for the ego.  What girl wouldn’t? like a pair of sexy gents clambering all over each other to flirt with her, that’s what I want to know? Sure as hell beats the Muggle cinema, or cleaning my flat, or sitting around this dump with a smelly barkeep three days older than dirt.

It still amazes me that I had that much energy that year; full day of work, training after that, doing my shifts for...you know, and then staying up half the night with the pair of them, laughing and drinking and hearing stories about the school and the old gang. Of course they left out quite a bit, didn’t they?  At least they never hinted how deep their friendship went all those years ago.

I was completely mad for both of them—of course I was.  Funny and charming and both in pretty good shape, especially when you consider what they’d been through.  And that made them especially sexy.  Who wants a stupid boy who’s only concerned about Quidditch games and pub crawling and getting into your knickers after a pint and a bit of pointless conversation?  Or how could I find a bloke that was too stupid to see what was really going on in the world or who was unwilling to fight to make it better the least bit attractive? 

I doubt if I was the only one that found them attractive.   Well, Sirius had always been ridiculously good looking, I’d seen the pictures to prove it, but for me it was the eyes—sad and bad and possibly even mad.  Those devilish eyes of his promised the sort of good fun that would leave you sore and feeling dirty, sick and perverted (and promising yourself that you’d do it again just as soon as humanly possible.)
 
Remus’ eyes were something else entirely, though no less intriguing.  They were shuttered, wary, guarded, and kind of gave you the impression that he’d been born middle aged...or what is it they call it sometimes? An old soul?  I wish I’d been able to see if he’d looked like that back at school, but it was hard to find a picture of him when he wasn’t looking away from the camera.  At any rate, when he did finally fix his eyes on a girl, I’d reckon it had sort of a cockle-warming effect, and you—or at least I—wondered if he could look into my brain and examine all my soft, vulnerable bits I kept bottled up inside.  I’ve never met a more compassionate man. 

Towards everyone but me, apparently, at least these days—sod the bastard.  Or maybe I was wrong all along.  But it seemed to me that he always tried to see the best in people, and considering what people had given him in return…Oh, bugger it all, where did I put my bloody handkerchief?  No thanks,   I really don’t want to catch the bubonic plague or something.  Didn’t your mother ever teach you how to do laundry?

So where was I?  Remus, I think.  And when am I not on about Remus these days, the arse?  No, I was talking about the pair of them, because at the time, it was hard to separate them in my mind.  And as far as how it got started, well, that’s sort of hard.  It got started in my own mind long before anything actually happened. 

Anyway, I think it was New Years, or maybe the day after.  All the Weasleys had gone after Christmas and Sirius had locked himself up in that dangerously unbalanced hippogriff’s room.  I used to wonder about them sometimes.  And don’t think I can’t see you laughing over there, you sick, twisted man.

But that’s neither here nor there because I showed up.  And Remus had just got back too, having spent the holidays with his aged grandfather.  Probably one of your old school chums, yeah?  Hey, don’t throw that at me, it’s nasty. 

At any rate, there were still tonnes of food left over thanks to Molly, and Remus’ Christmas gift had been a twenty five year old bottle of Bells and he was feeling generous.  I brought a small barrel of mead from Rosie—yes, you are not the only person of your profession I patronize so stop looking so wounded.  As if you don’t drink the stuff yourself when you think no one’s looking.

Yeah, so there was a bit of booze involved, of course there was.  But not so much that we were too pissed to make rational decisions, or at least I was sober enough to know what I was doing.  And Remus—when doesn’t he make utterly rational decisions, the wanker?  And Sirius?  Completely pissed, of course.  But fully functional, I assure you. 

I think what really did it was that Remus had got rid of that ridiculous mustache he’d taken to wearing.  Naturally, it gave me an excuse to touch him—not that I didn’t do that a lot already, in spite of his reticence.  What can I say?  I like making him blush.  A lot. 

Well, I was in fine form that night, and the touching was more concentrated on his upper lip, which was really rather ridiculously sexy, now that I could see it.  So naturally I had to kiss, it, with Sirius cheering me on the whole way.  It was meant to embarrass him, but his arms went around me with astonishing speed and strength and the kiss that was supposed to be noisy and embarrassing and relatively chaste turned into a war of lips and teeth and tongues and wandering hands that I really didn’t think he’d have been capable of .   As he let me go, I found myself short of breath and a bit dizzy.  Even Sirius was rather impressed, though he felt compelled to point out that Remus had obviously had more time in which to practice, but that he, Sirius, still probably had bigger numbers and would likely be able to blow that kiss out of the sky

If he chose to rise to the challenge, that was.  And once I got my brain back, I jumped right on that idea.   In fact, I jumped right on Sirius, knocking him back on the sofa in the process.  Kissing while laughing is one of my absolute favorite things to do, funnily enough, so I had to admit that it was an unqualified contender of a kiss—in spite of the bump rapidly swelling up on the crown of his head where it hit the portrait of our mutual Uncle Flavius (the Muggle-tossing champion of 1635.) 

So there I was, having satisfied my curiosity but not knowing what to do from there.  Because up until that point (on the surface) it had all been good fun and quite innocent.  But neither kiss had been even remotely joke-like.  They were not saying-goodnight-on-her-parents-porch-kisses or even kiss-your-friend-on-a-dare-kisses but more like Friday-night-on-the-Astronomy-Tower-kisses and both of them had put a commendable amount of effort into it.  At least that was what I suspected. 

I could have ended it then and there by making a lame joke and leaving, but I didn’t want to.  I nipped at Sirius’ nose playfully and then spun round on his lap and there was Remus, his arms folded over each other, watching us, his eyes unreadable.  Oddly enough, I could feel Sirius’ heart thudding against my shoulder blade and I could feel him breathing in my ear and I took a chance and held out my arms to Remus in invitation. He looked from me to Sirius and back again, licking his lips but standing perfectly still, considering.  And then he very nearly shocked the magic out of me.  Because instead of moving into my arms, he moved right past me to Sirius, kissing him over my shoulder.  I swear, they were right there, and I didn’t know what to do, terrified to look, but I oh, hell, I could hear them, wet lips and tongues and ragged breath and a strangled moan that I felt along my spine as it came up from Sirius’ lungs. Had I stumbled into more than I’d realized?  It seemed clear that this wasn’t the first time they’d done this, but was I being my typical oblivious, clumsy self and starting some sort of  sick competitive contest with a couple?

As Remus pulled away, it occurred to me that Sirius had been gripping my hip to the point of pain, but Remus was grinning, and suddenly he looked about seventeen years old.  And damn if he wasn’t the sexiest thing I’d ever seen in my life.  And let me tell you, it was perfectly clear from my position that Sirius thought pretty much the same thing.

I remember I had about a million questions, but I think I just left it at asking if they'd done this sort of thing before. I know—bloody obvious they had, but what else was I going to say in my vulnerable position?  I was confused and completely turned on and no, I'm not going to blame it on the alcohol, but I will pin a bit of it on lust. 

I should have taken the time to think over that huge development, but I didn’t much feel like leaving, and honestly I don’t think my brain was working full stop until I woke up the next morning.

What’s that?  How the hell do you reckon I’m cheating?  Oh, you want details do you?  Well, of course you do, you ruddy old perv.  Got to have something to talk to the goats about after you close shop.  Well, the details—no, I’m not going to violate their privacy.  Much.  I didn’t get my questions answered until afterward, but there was an awful lot of kissing and for a while, I thought that was all we were going to do, but Sirius had rather magical hands and set about undressing us both almost before we realized it. 

And Remus—oh my but the man was thorough, and…anyway, that’s all you get.  Suffice to say that a good time was had by all.  Well, go on then, go off and pout if you must; I'm not going anywhere.  I’m one of your best customers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Tonks bit the inside of her cheek as Remus kissed Sirius.  He'd always seemed the sort to think things to death, but apparently once he'd made his mind up, there was no fannying about, was there?  And why the hell did the sound of their lips slurping together get her so worked up? 
 
"You've done this before-" she muttered, and she could hear Sirius' laughter rumble up in his chest behind her.
 
"A time or two, yeah," he said
 
"Not for years," Remus added, and pulled back to look at her, brushing his thumb across her lower lip in a way that had her body aching for more contact.  She reached out to taste it with her tongue, and Remus licked his lips as she sucked it in.
 
Sirius’ hot breath was at her ear, and she shivered as she felt his tongue dart out to make a circle over the outer shell. 
 
"So what do you call this, then?” she asked, trying to sound as breezy and flippant as she had felt earlier in the evening but not quite succeeding.
 
"Bit more complicated than you thought?" Sirius asked against her neck as his fingertips began wandering up her ribcage. "But she likes the idea, I can tell,” he added, to Remus.
 
"Intrigued, I’d say," Remus said, and kissed her forehead.  "Curious, adventurous little thing."
 
"So by not for a 'long time,' you mean..."  Tonks didn't much like being talked about as if she wasn't there, but she did rather like what Sirius was doing with his fingers and she arched back against him, reveling in the scrape of his chin at her neck.
 
"Not since school," Remus murmured, kissing her left eyelid and then her cheek.  "We're..." he moved past her, probably to do the same to Sirius. 
 
"I fucked everything up," Sirius said after a silent moment and a low groan, laughing wryly under his breath.  "Fancy that."
 
"We've had misunderstandings," Remus said gently, and Tonks felt herself squeezed between them as Remus managed to embrace both of them at once.  "But we've never really stopped being friends...well, apart from those twelve years, that is..."
 
"Doesn't count," Sirius said, and he was sounding really breathless now, and Tonks wished she could see his face.  "You had more than enough reason to believe me capable of that after what I'd done..."

"Forgiven a long time ago, Padfoot," Remus said, and Sirius' arms went up to ruffle his hair.  "I should have trusted you."

 "Shall I leave you two to it, then?"  Tonks asked, touched by their affection but feeling redundant.   Sirius tightened his hold on her as Remus pulled back to kiss her again.

"Don't be daft," Sirius said.  "This is the best idea ever.”

Remus chuckled against her lips.  "Trust me, if he could have put together something like this years ago, he would have."

"I very nearly did," Sirius insisted.

She wanted to know the story, wanted to know their story, wanted to hear all their silly/sad/sentimental shared memories.  She wanted to know how it got started, how it ended, and how it felt for the two of them to be thrown together after all these years, but she supposed later would be soon enough.

Tonks had never been a particularly romantic sort.  Soul mates—that was a fairy tale if she'd ever heard one.  Her mum and dad could have started out close to the subject of a Shakespearian play, but that didn't spare them from years of constant bickering, did it?  She reckoned that as long as she wasn't interfering with some emotional and romantic reunion they'd been putting off, she was doing them more good than harm.  It wasn't as though she was planning to fall madly in love with either of them, though she loved them both in her own way.  'What could it possibly hurt?' she thought, as her hands reached out to unbutton Remus' cardigan and Sirius' fingers moved under her shirt to unhook her bra....

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Huh? Oh, thanks, mate, but I reckon I’d better get something in my stomach before I have another.  What do you have that won’t poison me?  Or maybe I should just chance breaking my teeth on these pretzels.  Ooh, those are horrid. Didya get Hagrid to bake them? 

So, where was I?  The morning after, wasn’t it?  Time to panic, you’d think, but it wasn’t as bad as all that.  Actually, we woke up laughing.

They explained things a bit better over kippers and toast.  Apparently they’d danced around each other for years, but split up a very long time ago.  It started at school of course.  Sirius always had the girls dropping at his feet but Remus was a bit shy, for obvious reasons.  Still, he’d had a girlfriend for a bit and liked snogging her very much indeed, but found it rather disconcerting to find that he suddenly fancied the hell out of his best mate. 

There were, Sirius said, a couple of months where Remus was a right grumpy git about the whole thing, pushing him and everybody else away, but eventually Remus admitted what the problem was, and to his astonishment, Sirius found he rather fancied the idea, not to mention his mate. But only a few months later, Sirius did something to Remus that he very nearly found unforgivable.  It took some time for them even to patch together a friendship after that, and finally just when they were beginning to ease toward a relationship after school, Halloween 1981 happened.  James and Lily died, Sirius got his sorry arse thrown in Azkaban and Remus spent the next twelve odd years thinking he’d given his virginity to a lying, murderous psychopath after all.

I know I’m leaving out details, but the story is long and I’m only telling you to give you a bit of background.   Eventually—by listening carefully—I was able to piece together their history.  Of course, this was long after we’d decided that this was a pretty good arrangement for all concerned.  They were dealing with those feelings for the first time in years, but having me in the picture took the pressure off.  My only concern is that they would fall in love again and I would be left out in the cold.  Could I have been more clueless?
 
Why didn’t it ever work for them again?  Were they both broken after their years of suffering?  Was it too hard to rebuild the bridge of trust they’d damaged when they were boys?
 
I should have worried more about that, I reckon.  I should have thought that maybe I could have been used as a way for them to hurt each other.  But mainly, I should never have blithely assumed that I was immune to love and all that rubbish.   Because when it happened it hit me like an Unforgivable, and I was just as helpless to resist it. 

Maybe I should have seen the signs.  Much as I adored Sirius, it was Remus that I could really talk to, Remus who could be counted on in a pinch, Remus who made me light up like one of Weasley’s whiz-bangs whenever he walked into a room. 

Or maybe it was because not all my interactions with Remus were in that horrible house.  Maybe it was that weekend of spying near Malfoy Manor, counting on him and knowing that I could trust him to be there in a way I never could have trusted Sirius. 

Me, personally, I think it was the kissing.  I really, really liked kissing Remus.  I don't think it was skill in particular, because skill was something Sirius had in spades.  Possibly it was the unnerving focus he had on me (and Sirius, I suppose) while he was kissing me, or maybe it was because he was so damned thorough.  Did I mention he was thorough? Blimey, the man could set my toes to curling like nobody else before or since.

I'm sure there were signs leading up to it that I ignored, but the real turning point was that fateful morning last spring when I woke up facing him to find him watching me.  Now normally this sort of thing might creep me out, but I don't think he'd been looking for long. 

But in that moment, that unexpected, unguarded moment, I saw things in his eyes that set my world tumbling off its axis.

I know it sounds corny, but in that moment, everything became perfectly clear, and the love that I felt for him seemed a tangible thing, a physical ache, sheer happiness flowing like Amortentia thorough my veins.  The one thing I forgot to ask him later was what my hair was doing, because I suspect now it went every colour of the rainbow.  In that moment, no one else existed, not even the naked man spooned up against my backside.

So what was I going to do, I ask you?  I was petrified; I couldn't have moved if I'd wanted to.  My heart was up in my throat and my hands were clenched hard enough to leave marks.  I could feel Sirius' breath at my shoulder blade and I was terrified he was going to wake up and see Remus looking at me like that.  Or maybe I was terrified that if Sirius woke up, Remus might look at him the same way. 

At any rate, I managed a smile, and Remus reached out to touch my face.  All I could do was focus on those familiar fingers as they approached me, I was afraid to breathe and halt his momentum, and I felt my chest filling with the suppressed urge to exhale and something huge that had very little to do with anything as mundane as breathing.  His caress was feather light, but it set my nerves to dancing and I closed my eyes, turning toward his fingers and kissing his palm. 

When I opened them I found him watching me still, but his expression had changed and there was tension there, desire, too, but possibly even a bit of fear. Oh, shut up, I'm not overdramatising.  I'm usually fairly good at reading people, but this was even easier, because I could assign my own feelings to him.  Yes, I know I'm pathetic, but at the moment I'd never felt more certain of anything in my life.  Still, he kept at it, stroking my face, and all the while his body was inching closer and closer with every moment. 

I've never been a big fan of restraint...oh shut it, you've a filthy mind, you have, and if you don't lay off I won't finish the story, such as it is.  You did ask.

So yeah, not a big fan of restraint.  Bondage, yes, (and Sirius had a real talent for that, let me tell you) but restraint is beyond me for the most part.  So naturally, I'd have like to pounce on him, but doing so would have surely woken up Sirius, and the one thing I knew at that moment was that to do that would have ruined everything. 

Isn't that awful?  Don't think I haven't been beating myself up for having such a disloyal thought, but I there's no point in denying it now.  And I've been punished quite enough for it, thank you very much, so there's no need for censure.

Anyway, yeah, I was just stretched out as far as I could be without shifting away from Sirius, and Remus kept moving closer and closer, and I felt his breath at my lips for what seemed like ages.  And then, then…damn…he kissed me and I wanted to sob, for some strange reason.  I wanted to clutch at him and cry, wanted to pin him to the bed and snog him senseless, but he just kept brushing my lips softly, a little deeper every time, as silent as the Grey Lady. I felt terribly, wonderfully vulnerable; I felt I would go mad if he stopped, but I'd completely lose my hold on reality if he went on.  Or maybe I would explode.

Something must have gotten through Sirius' subconscious some time after that, because he mumbled sleepily. We froze, and for the first time we seemed to acknowledge that we were trying not to include him.   Who knows, maybe somewhere deep down maybe he knew it, because he threw a leg over me and pinned me, leaving my arse flat on the bed but my torso turned toward Remus as far as it could go. 

Remus moved closer, moved above me a bit, still completely silent but a bit more desperate, I think, because his kisses became more urgent, more demanding.  He'd been inside me dozens of times, but at that moment, when he moved above me, when he aligned himself against every bit of me that wasn't touching Sirius, when he kissed me with his eyes open...it was ten times more intimate than anything we'd done before. 

And…hell, what did you put this stuff, anyway; a truth serum?  Getting your kicks off my pathetic little tale?  Well I told you, no details, not the dirty ones anyway, so you're stuck with the romance novel hyperbole.

Oh, go on then. And while you’re back there, get me another, will you?

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonks felt as if her spine was going to snap from the pressure of both men’s bodies, but you couldn't have paid her to move.   So far it had just been his lips and hands and those beautiful eyes, so full of emotion, hiding nothing for the first time in...ever?  She suspected, that given the time, he’d have let this drag out a lot longer—she was only now beginning to understand the appeal of a long, slow burn that eventually becomes a conflagration.  Sirius, she suspected, didn’t have nearly enough patience for that sort of thing, but Remus…

It was really dreadful to be thinking something so petty and mean, but she didn’t feel quite guilty enough to rouse him with a hand on his face or his bum or his cock.  At least not while Remus fingers were rolling her nipple between them, teasing it onto a peak that ached for the sort of treatment he was giving her tongue.
 
It was taking everything she had to suppress the moan at the back of her throat, and she suspected that Remus was facing a similar struggle based on the way his muscles under her fingers twitched , by the way the arm propped up next to her shook, by the way he groaned and rested his forehead on hers, trying to catch his breath, She arched up to kiss him, nipping at his chin, running her tongue along his jaw and feeling him quiver against her.

It was when she moved to put her arms around him—unable to resist the impulse any longer—that Sirius truly began to stir.  He began to burrow closer to her, his hand moving from his own thigh to her midriff, with his thumb dipping into her navel.  Remus’ mouth was covering hers again, his tongue tangling with hers with more insistence before, as if challenging her to stay with him, stay focused. 

And she was—so much so that the hand on her breast hardly registered as another person.  But the mouth on her neck, that was harder to ignore, and then he moved to Remus’ cheek, and Remus reluctantly pulled away from her mouth to give Sirius the kiss he was waiting for  

From there, Sirius kissed her, while Remus moved down her neck, making a long trail with his tongue that ended with him finally, finally closing his mouth over her breast. She moaned into Sirius’ mouth, and he tangled his fingers in Remus hair. 

“Wakey wakey,” Sirius said, chuckling as he pulled away and went after her neck.  He seemed to be in a fairly competitive mood, which usually promised a jolly good time for her on normal days, but today it only annoyed her. , Apparently Remus might have been too, because where they could normally go at it for ages, suckling her breasts and then kissing each other with increasing passion, this time, after a single kiss that left Sirius growling, he moved down, paying attention to her midriff and belly, making circles of her thighs with the palms of his hands..

Sirius moved in the opposite direction, going after her neck again and then kissing a sigh out of her. He began stroking his cock and then he pulled h her hand down to help him out.  Settling against her ear, he whispered, knowing how she liked dirty talk.

“Look at him there, watching the pair of us, teasing you.  Merlin, the man can send you crawling up a wall with impatience, can’t he, just sitting there smirking, knowing you’re just dying to have his tongue all over your cunt.

I remember him the first time he sucked my cock, the way he got on his knees took it in as far as it would go, wanting to impress me. It was the best feeling I’d ever had, and I’d already been sucked off by half the girls in our year.

Remus snorted softly at that and rolled his eyes, kissing the inside of her thigh.

“But he got better, didn’t he, and he used to get off on torturing me, reminding me we had all night, that no one was going to notice us behind the curtains, and couldn’t I hear James and Peter snoring?  He’d lick the tip, so soft at first, just that way—the way he just lapped at your clit. God, I can almost feel it myself, remembering.  I yelped, just like you did, then bucked into his mouth just like that—making him gag and nearly bite me.”

“But that was only the first time.  He got so bloody good at it, better than me, I admit it, because he brings you so fucking close you can taste it, then he changes it up, over and over again, until you’re begging for it, just a useless puddle of nerves, whimpering.  And there he goes again.  Back, around, up down, everywhere but the place you’re dying for him to be, and then, finally—oh, fuck, that’s hot, baby. Scream again like that; scream hard enough to wake the whole bloody house, wake my mother, wake Kreacher, wake the neighbors. 
 
"And then he’s off again," Sirius said, circling her nipple with the tip of his finger as his cock pressed harder into her palm.  "And don’t you just want to cry from frustration?  Look at him licking his lips, savouring the taste of you.  Do you know how much I love to kiss him when I can smell you, taste you all over his mouth?"

“But he never lets me after you're gone, no matter how hard I try to convince him.  Never lets me kiss him, never lets me fuck him.  ‘It's not fair,’ he says in that long-suffering professor voice that gets you just as turned on as it does me.  "Dora isn't here and we wouldn't want her to feel jealous, would we?"

Tonks moaned, arching her back and bucking against Remus mouth, grasping Sirius even more firmly, stroking him as he swore under his breath.  Remus reached up to toy with her other nipple, lapping at her with slow, deliberate strokes, watching her—not with the open adoration he’d shown her as she was waking up, but with wry amusement.   He didn't look away until Sirius kissed her again, and then he did his best to distract Tonks  by taking her clit into his mouth and sucking with just the right amount of pressure.

She was screaming into Sirius' mouth, her legs wrapped around Remus, her body arched, a mess of oversensitive skin and liquefied muscles and throbbing need.  And just as she finally fell over the precipice, Remus moved back up her body, filling her even as he pulled Sirius up and gave him a sloppy kiss, making him twitch in Tonks' hand. 

Remus began moving and she grabbed him by the ears, kissing him hard and tasting the both of them and more than a little of herself.  She went to wrap her legs around his arse, but Sirius was already there, moving behind Remus and making him gasp into Tonks' mouth. The three of them moved together in a familiar dance, and if she closed her eyes and held Remus close, she could imagine it was just the two of them there, which she probably ought not to have been imagining, but she was too far gone to worry about it much. 

Sirius came first, groaning into Remus ear as she buried her head in his neck, and then she followed, the spasms within her body finally finishing Remus off.  As Sirius moved away, she held onto Remus for a few moments longer, letting the warm, familiar scent of him wash over her.

Sirius groaned and stretched and laughed softly.  "Best way to wake up ever, and anyone who tells you any different is just jealous.  Course it would be even better if there was coffee and scones, wouldn't it?  Care to draw straws on who has to get up and start the coffee?

Remus sighed and rolled to the edge of the bed.  "I'll do it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Oh, thanks, mate. Don’t bother wiping it off. I’m a bit less worried about dust than I am about whatever’s breeding in that dirty rag. And no, I’m not warm, why d’ya ask? Blushing? I doubt that very much. I’m well past blushing about any of this, I hope. Oops, sorry. I hope he wasn’t planning on finishing it, but if he comes back, I’ll buy him another.

So…I spent the rest of the day and the one after that just...well, on a cloud, actually.  Just kept touching my mouth and drifting off and…nearly got myself killed, if I'm gonna be honest.  I didn't see Remus at all because I had dinner at Mum's and then guard duty the following night.   More than anything I wanted to slip away to headquarters to see him, to ask him if I’d imagined the whole thing, to ask him if it had been a moment of madness or something he’d been keeping inside for a while.  Of course, if I had, Sirius would have been there, and then it would have been more of the same, wouldn't it?

But then I finally did get over there.  I gave my report to Minerva, and while Sirius was distracted by Dung's latest bit of contraband (dodgy potions—just up Sirius' alley) I looked across the kitchen to find Remus watching me intently from beside the stove.  I'm quite sure the look on my face would have given my secret away to anyone who looked, but I was lucky; it was just him.  Not long after, he shuffled out the double doors, cradling his teacup in his hands.  You can’t imagine how difficult it was to wait there, hoping against hope that Arthur wouldn't grab me to interrogate me about DVD players or toilet scrubbers or Phillips head screwdrivers or some such rubbish.

After a decent interval, I wandered out of the kitchen myself, heading up the stairs and toward the library, because where else would Remus have gone?  Halfway down the front hall, though, I found myself yanked into a closet, where Remus pressed me up against a musty topcoat and gave me a kiss that had me whimpering for more.  We could hear the muffled voices rising up from the floor below us.  We heard Sirius’ barking laugh and then Dung pounding his fist on the table and snorting, and possibly both of us were praying that they might break open the firewhiskey and make a night of it.  Still, it was comforting to know where he was, and Remus kissed me again, and again, and I still don't fully understand how those stolen kisses had so much more meaning than all those weeks of fucking him did. 

Just because we were alone, I reckon, or maybe because of the element of the forbidden.  I suppose I'd always assumed that he and Sirius were having themselves a shagfest when I was away, but this made it pretty clear that that was not the case.  Unless Remus himself was playing us against each other, but I wasn't about to believe that of him.  And the really sad part is that now I think I might have believed that of Sirius.  Or maybe I just wanted to resent him, or maybe I was seeing things in him that weren't there because he wasn't Remus and I was falling for Remus rather hard.

But that's all hindsight—all I knew was that the closet we were in was the most wonderful place on earth, and Remus' lips on mine felt bloody magnificent, and his hands—good lord his hands—they made me feel as if every bit of my body was something rare and precious.

I wanted to have him inside me more than anything else on earth.  Just me, and him, face to face, long and slow and romantic, or even hot and rushed and dirty.  The closet would have suited me just fine, actually, and we were nearly there—his hand was down my trousers and his lips were on my neck and then I arched back and banged my stupid head against the wall, and that crack seemed to be loud enough to bring the whole house round on me. 

In actuality, it was enough to bring down a box of tarnished silver down from the top shelf, which landed on my foot and made me cry out in pain.  Remus and I looked at each other in horror for a bit, and then Remus kissed me hard one last time and Disapparated to another part of the house.  My head was throbbing and I didn't want to risk losing both my eyebrows and something even more vital, so instead of Apparating, I left the closet blinking, deciding then and there that I'd tell them I was looking through the closet for something interesting to wear.

They didn't come, though, nobody had heard us, and when I finally wandered back down to the kitchen, Sirius looked up from the article Arthur was showing him and gave me that heartstopping grin of his and a wink, stabbing in the heart and making me feel lower than pond scum.  I smiled back weakly and went to pour myself a cup of tea.  A moment later, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my ear discreetly and almost making me drop the teapot.  I wonder if he could feel me shaking, and if so, did he assume he was turning me on?  I squeezed the hand on my belly and muttered something about going home to organise my sock drawers.  Pathetic.

At any rate, I had my answer. About Remus, that is. I knew that what had happened that morning hadn't been all in my head, and the only question was what to do about it.  I got an answer a few days later in the form of a note.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Shrieking Shack, Thursday at seven?
RJL
 
R-
Bit drafty, don't you think?
Hogs Head, my treat.
-T

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, you knew you were going to play a part in this eventually, didn't you? And let me tell you, I don't think I've ever been so nervous as I was that evening, but the bed bug warfare I did in the half hour while I tried to make the room decent sure helped.  Still, when he knocked on the floor, I nearly jumped out of my skin.  I opened the door with with my hands shaking like mad and there he was, in the flesh, and all mine to play with, his heart in his eyes. 

So I pulled him inside, and we fell on the bed, and we were touching and tasting and laughing and holy hell, was as though we’d never done it before.  I'd never dreamed that I’d have the good fortune to experience someone so wonderful being so utterly focused on me, looking into my eyes as he slipped inside me. I watched his eyes soften to wonder and then ecstasy, knowing that there was nowhere on earth that he wanted to be more, knowing that he was willing to risk everything just for that moment. I very nearly cried, I tell you.

Hell, that’s more detail than I ever planned on giving you, or giving anybody, really.  Maybe I’ve kept it all inside for too long. Suffice to say he stayed the night, and we had a much less poetic version of ‘is it a lark, no it's a nightingale’ in the morning even as we were making plans for the next time.

Better step lively, mate, looks like the bloke in the hood's trying to slip away without paying...

 ~~~~~~~~~~

As she waited in the empty room, it seemed strange to Tonks that she was as nervous as she was.  Hadn't they done this sort of thing a dozen times before?  Still, the fact that they hadn't really talked about it, that all of this was an assumption on her part was worrisome. 

She couldn't worry about Sirius too much.  She had to push him from her mind, and just focus on what was coming, because otherwise she might change her mind, and going through with this seemed crucial.  She had to know, didn't she?  If this really was as life-altering as it seemed, she would hate herself in the future for not giving it a shot.  And maybe it was just the smallest bit sordid, or maybe even unfair to Sirius, but it was bloody unfair that they had to clean up after him so much, it was unfair that they were always attempting to cheer him up, it was unfair that...

No, she was being unfair.  She wasn't going to try to justify this, even to herself. 

She looked again at herself in the mirror.  Pink—and she didn’t think she could change it if she tried.  Her mum had always said she was her happiest when it was pink, so she’d decided years ago that pink would be her chosen colour when she needed cheering up, or needed courage.  Today, there wasn’t much of a choice.

She’d briefly considered buying something really sexy or greeting him in nothing but her knickers, but she reckoned there was no point in trying to be something she wasn’t this late in the game.  Apparently, for whatever odd reason, he liked her as she was.  Just as she was putting one more freshening charm on the room, she heard the light knock on the door and felt her stomach doing acrobatics in response.

Only the noise of a passing chambermaid (did they actually employ them here?) kept her from leaping on him in the hallway.  Instead she tugged him inside, where he pulled her close, nearly lifting her off her feet as he kissed her and stumbled toward the bed.  They laughed as they fell, and she kissed him again, and as he lifted his head, a lock of hair fell down into his eyes, making him look even younger than she was.  She envied Sirius his memory of Remus before time and grief and hardship took their toll on him.  She might have liked to have seen him relatively carefree.

Still, she suspected that what she liked (or possibly loved) about him had a lot to do with what he’d been through.  His gentleness, his patience, his empathy, his ability to use reason and logic and sympathy to build bridges between people—she somehow doubted that he had been born with those qualities.  Still it was nice to see him unburdened by responsibility if only for an hour or two, giving way to madness for once. 

"Did you really..." she began, once he let her catch her breath, and he propped himself on one elbow, watching her as he traced patterns on her cheek.  "I mean, I always assumed you two...when I wasn't there...that you were, you know…."

"No," he said, somehow understanding what she was asking about.  "Though he didn't beg quite as much as he led you to believe.  It seemed to me to be sort of a game with him, or maybe a test for me.  You have to believe me, Dora, none of this would have happened if not for you.  We were...content to leave our friendship as it was.  We've both changed too much to be who we were to each other."

"So why..."

Remus kissed her.  "I wanted you. He wanted you. It was the only way I was going to have you, given the circumstances.  I thought I could pull it off.  I was...a tad shortsighted, perhaps, or I was thinking with something other than my brain."

“Why…” she started, and then dropped off as his lips brushed a particularly sensitive spot on her neck. “Then why didn’t you ever just…”

“Hmmm?” Remus murmured against her collarbone.

“You never asked me out, did you?” she said.

“When was I going to do that?” he asked, working the buttons on her shirt. “On assignment? After a meeting? And should I have asked Sirius to lend me the money to take his cousin out, the very one whose arse he watched every time she walked out of the room, licking his chops? Besides, I’ve competed with him for girls before, and I assure you, I’ve never once emerged on top.”

Tonks giggled, lifting her torso a bit to help him push her vest up and over her head. “I seem to recall a time or two where you were on top of both of us…”

“Yes, well…” he said, his eyes sparkling with laughter as he looked at her over her breast. “I didn’t want to compete this time, no matter how desperately I wanted you. And who was I to deny him an opportunity when they are almost possible to find in his present situation? Besides,” he added, and ran his tongue in a circle over her nipple. “It was the two of you against me most of the time, and you were a breathtaking pair. I was lucky just to be in the same room as you.”

“You bring out the best in both of us,” Tonks said, moaning at the way his lips felt, tugging at her sensitive tissue. “We’re just a pair of naughty kids without you to keep us in line”

Remus laughed softly, working at her flies. “This is rich, coming from the lass who wields the lash so prettily…”

“He does like to be punished, doesn’t he?”

“Something he must have picked up after my time,” Remus added, chuckling under his breath.

“Do you still love him?” she asked, and his fingers halted where they were.

“Yes,” he finally said. “So much so that if he asked for my last Knut, I’d hand it over without a word. But he doesn’t need my Knuts, and I haven’t got any to give him, have I? What he does need is love and affection and distraction and entertainment, possibly. Unfortunately, along with that, he’s taken the one thing I want the most.

Tonks closed her eyes and swallowed, trying to keep the guilt at bay as he tugged her trousers and knickers down her hips.

When she opened them, he was looking at her over her body, kissing her hipbone, his expression mirroring her own feelings.

To learn that he'd been so successfully concealing his feeling all this time, that he'd risked opening himself up to all the pain in his past for her sake really touched her, and she reached out to touch his face, looking at him in wonder.  "I love you," she said, and he closed his eyes, swallowing visibly.

After a kiss on her stomach, he clambered back up her body, tugging at his own trousers as he went. He kissed her forehead, shaking slightly as moved on top of her, the familiar weight feeling so different, somehow. Tonks reached around to tug off his shirt, needing the feel of his warm skin on hers.

"I love you," he murmured against her lips and she pressed up to kiss him, reaching down past his trousers to caress him, causing him to shake even more. He tucked his face in the crook of her neck, nibbling softly at the skin there as she slipped her hand past the waistband to stroke him, using her other hand to loosen his flies. Remus leaned up on one elbow, sucking at her neck and helping her along, and when the trousers were halfway down his hips and her fingers began to move more swiftly, they both groaned.

Suddenly his hands were everywhere, setting her skin aflame and making it difficult for her to keep focused on her rhythm. Over and around, soft and firm, driving her bloody mad, and she was arching against his hand, moaning, tasting the sweat of his neck, nipping at his jaw. When his fingers ventured between her legs, she cried out, and he swore softly at the wetness he found there.

Pulling out of her hand, he moved over her once more, propped up on his elbows with his mouth a hair’s breadth away from hers. He stroked her hair again as he slipped inside her, stroked her cheek and kissed her forehead, holding her gaze through each glorious bit of friction. When he was finally sheathed within her, she couldn't help but close her eyes, sighing and wondering how the same two bodies—the same act, even—could feel so different when you tweaked the circumstances a bit.

She’d always been bollocks at maths, but it seemed to her that adding person to the equation should have made it more, rather than less. It just went to show you that when it came to the heart, the usual rules didn’t apply.  Or perhaps it had to do with the focus, after all, because when it was the three of them, she was always worried about looking at one more than the other, paying attention to one more than the other. 

She couldn't have torn her eyes away from him, and she didn’t have to—she could focus on the love in his eyes and the miracle of being filled by him as he embraced her, surrounded without and within.

And then he moved—achingly slowly at first, and then gaining momentum. The sensations overwhelmed her, the swelling emotion in her heart making it difficult to breathe properly, and still his eyes drank her in, sometimes kissing her, sometimes sharing her breath, one hand stroking her cheek and the other buried in her hair.

She was used to her climaxes coming on like a stampede, fast and furious, but this one simmered and steamed and then finally burst into flame, only to burst again as she saw the joy and pleasure written all over his face. He buried his head in her neck and she clung to him, shaken to the core.

“What are we going to do?’ she finally whispered, uncertain whether to laugh or cry.

“I don’t know,” he said, tightening his embrace. “I just don’t know.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was only one other next time, because your sodding brother started having regular meeting with Remus about a possible new assignment (and a bugger of an assignment, too, the wily old bastard) and it wasn’t something he could discuss with the rest of us, at least not then.  The planning took up a lot of the spare time, though. Lord help me, I should have gone to see Sirius anyway, even if we didn’t ever shag as a pair, just to keep him company.  I know how lonely he was, I just—couldn’t manufacture the patience and good cheer I needed to deal with him, or maybe I was afraid he would work the whole sordid business out with one look at my face.  
 
I do know that the last time we were together—the three of us, I mean—it almost seemed as if he suspected, because he seemed especially possessive of Remus in particular.  I had trouble meeting Remus in the eye, and Sirius slept between us. I was afraid to touch Remus for fear of giving myself away.

I begged Sirius not to go after Harry—we both did, everyone did—but he wouldn’t listen.  Sometimes I wonder if he wasn’t trying to get himself killed.  I do know that the last memory I have of him was fighting Uncle Lucius—with that old marauder’s grin on his face and looking more alive, handsomer than I’d ever seen him. 

It’s been said that he would have rather died fighting than holed up in that miserable house, but I know that’s rubbish.  He’d have rather died in his bed, surrounded someone who loved him with his or her whole heart and by dozens of grandchildren.  He deserved that—he deserved a good life after all he’d been through.  He deserved better than Remus and I and an arrangement that went sour in the end whether he knew it or not. I do like to think that we gave him a bit of happiness, at least for a while. 

I woke up the day after the fight to find Mum holding my hand and I knew—I just knew something was terribly wrong.  Merlin help me, the first thing I thought was please let it not be Remus.  I looked around and found him leaning against the far wall of the spell damage ward next to Mad Eye, resolutely avoiding my gaze.  He looked like he’d aged ten years in a day, and I felt bloody well torn in half. 

It took me days before I was able to corner him, begging him to talk to me.  That was the first time I heard what would become a familiar refrain: ‘Too poor, too old, too dangerous.’  But what he was really doing was punishing himself, punishing both of us for our sins.  I've tried to understand where he is coming from; how utterly shit it must feel to be the last of his friends (or as good as last, fucking Wormtail be damned.)  Every day since, I’ve wondered what would have happened if Remus and I had just denied ourselves—or at least waited, just a few weeks.  I'd wager a thousand Galleons Remus would still be rejecting me, but maybe I'd feel less guilty. 

Or maybe if I'd been willing to wait on the whole bloody business—if I hadn't jumped into heedlessly into bed with the pair of them, thinking that I could handle whatever complications would pop up?  I was a sodding idiot.  So, what else is new?

I'm all right, really.  Not the first girl to fall in love with someone I shouldn’t, am I?  Not the first girl to get her heart broken.  And don't prattle on to me about finding someone else.  I've tried, believe me I've tried, but I just...reckon I'm not ready yet, you know?  Not ready yet because I still know in my heart that we could be good together.  I still feel that I might be the one person that he can count on, the one person strong enough to withstand and possibly overcome his stubborn self-loathing. 

You try hiding your heartbreak behind a jaunty grin when everything you're feeling is broadcast in Technicolor for the entire world to see. I'm functioning, I'm getting my job done, both of them.  Anything else—well, I wish people would mind their own bloody business.  Plenty of girls have bad hair days.  Mine is just lasting for a goddamn year, that's all.

Anyway, that's the tale, such as it is.  Bit pathetic, isn't it?  But you did ask, though perhaps you weren't planning on hearing so many details.  Or maybe you wanted more, you great bloody perv.  Bet you wish you'd picked up a bit of Legilimency from your brother, don't you? 

And speaking of which, do you know where he's been going lately?  I tried to talk to him a couple of weeks ago, but he wasn't around.  Reckon he's doing something mad like taking up ballroom dancing or playing Dungeons and Dragons under a comic book shop with spotty teenage Muggle boys. 

They wanted me to patrol with him tonight—Remus, I mean—but I got out of it, saying I was too tired.  With this face, they believe me easily enough, but then again everyone is so damned conciliatory in deference to my ‘delicate’ condition that I could get away with telling them all to sod off if I felt like it.  Which I do, sometimes, but I’ve managed to control myself so far.

I know I probably shouldn't be drinking—after all, Dumbledore did sort of put me on call, but I'm doing my level best to stop myself from running over there and throwing myself at the stupid wanker yet again.  Don't know if I can handle another rejection.   Maybe if I get drunk enough, I'll stumble home and actually sleep through the night.  It'd be a nice change, anyway, yeah? 

Or maybe I'll just stop now and go for a walk.  Sometimes the fresh air helps, or at least puts colour in my cheeks.  Fancy joining me?

All right, then, suit yourself.  Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.  Tell Dumbledore if he comes in that I'm looking for him, will you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Merlin's balls, d'you see that?  Is that...the fucking Dark Mark? 

Tell them I'm on my way, tell headquarters, tell everyone.  Hurry, you old goat! Of all times to worry about spilt butterbeer—hurry!

Please, please, please, let Remus be all right....