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FIC: How Not to Marry a Weasley (Charlie/Tonks)
To: grayglube
From: Your Secret Santa

Title: How Not to Marry a Weasley
Author: violet_quill
Pairing: Charlie/Tonks
Summary: Charlie and Tonks are at an impasse on a fundamental disagreement: she thinks she should go kick ass in Auror training, and he thinks she should be popping out red-headed babies. Guess who wins?
Rating: R
Warnings:
Author's Notes: I do hope that you like this! Your request was pretty open-ended, and somehow this was what the image of a gal strangling a bloke with her thighs inspired from me.

"I think we should get married."

Tonks' head popped up like gopher about to be smashed with a mallet by a small child at a carnival. "Sorry, I misunderstood you. For a second I thought I'd just heard the most incredibly lame marriage proposal of my entire life."

"Oh?" Charlie folded his arms behind his head, resting neatly on his red and gold striped pillow. "And how many marriage proposals have you gotten, exactly?"

"As of the last thirty seconds, just the one, but I did put out an ad in the Prophet last week." Tonks crawled up his body from where she'd been settled neatly between his legs, and curled into the nook of his shoulder.

"I was being serious, you know."

She wasn't sure if he was or not, really; it was hard to tell with Charlie sometimes. But then he frowned, and she lifted an eyebrow. "Charlie. Come on. That wasn't a proposal. It was a post-orgasmic affection misfire. Hell, I'd barely even swallowed your spooge yet."

"Tonks, please don't say spooge."

"Love chowder?"

"Ugh."

"See, this is why you don't want to marry me. Consider the euphemisms!"

"Tonks…"

"Not to mention that we've only been dating for, what, two months?"

"Oh, so are we dating now?"

"Well, usually I would call it shagging, but I think you just upped the ante."

"Tonks, look." Charlie sat up on his elbows, forcing her to sit up as well, pulling the sheet up over her chest, not because she was modest, but because it was freaking cold in Gryffindor Tower. "We'll be finished with school in a month. You know I've got that dragon-handling gig…"

"Yes, and I think I just congratulated you thoroughly. If this is all just a ruse to get me to congratulate you again…"

"Tonks," Charlie sighed, obviously getting frustrated, "I'm saying that I want you to come with me. To Romania."

Tonks wrinkled her nose. "I bitch and moan about coming up to your dorm room because of the cold. You really think I'd do well in Romania?"

"Don't you love me?" Charlie countered, almost accusatory.

"Yes, darling, but I also love the sunshine. Don't make me choose! It's cruel."

"There's sun in Romania, Tonks. You're avoiding the real issue here."

"Which is that you want to get married."

"Which is that I… yes. Sure, we've only been together a couple of months, but we're great together, you can't deny that. I mean, the sex alone is - "

"Spooge-worthy?"

"Merlin's balls, Tonks! Can't you take this seriously?"

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Look, Charlie, I'm sorry. This is just all so…"

"Sudden?"

"I was going to say insane, but yeah, that works too."

"I love you."

"I love you too, baby. But we're too young to get married."

Charlie scowled. "My parents got married right after Hogwarts."

"Aha!" Tonks scrambled up so that she was on her knees, and pointed a finger at him. "That's what this is really about, isn't it?"

Charlie blinked at her. "It is?"

"Yes. Your parents. You want to turn me into your mother!"

Charlie scrunched up his nose. "Why would I want to do that? My mum is, you know… my mum. I like you just the way you - "

"Not literally, dumbo. I mean you want me popping out a whole horde of little red-headed babies for you! That's why you want to get started so early!"

"Tonks, I didn't say - "

"You probably want enough for your own Quidditch team!"

"Tonks - "

"I'm never going to see my feet again!" Tonks wailed.

"Tonks!" Charlie grabbed her shoulders.

She slumped, mouth settling into a pout, but didn't say anything else.

"Thank you," Charlie sighed. "Now, look. I didn't say anything about kids. I mean, sure, I want kids. But we don't have to have them right away. It's not like I've got some biological clock. I just know that I want you and I don't want to lose you because we're on different sides of the world. And besides, it's not as if you have anything tying you down here. You hardly visit your parents anyway - "

"Charlie, I have something to tell you," she interrupted.

He closed his mouth in mid-sentence.

"I got accepted into Auror training."

His mouth dropped open. "Into what?"

She grinned. "I'm going to be an Auror! I mean, assuming I make it through training and all…"

"But… but…" Charlie looked totally shocked. "But you're so sodding clumsy!"

Tonks scowled at him, and without a word, slid out of the bed and started searching for her knickers.

"Oh, come on. Seriously, Tonks?"

"Yes, seriously," she snapped, snatching her bra from off the top of Charlie's herbology textbook and sliding her arms through the straps. "I'll have you know that my application was very strong. I'm a metamorphmagus, you know. They were practically begging me to accept."

"Well, yeah, but…" Charlie swung his legs over the side of the bed, watching Tonks shimmy her knickers up her thighs. "Catching dark wizards isn't all about disguise and stuff. Don't you have to, like… fight?"

"I can fight," Tonks huffed, picking her skirt off of the floor. "Just because I've never clocked you doesn't mean I couldn't."

"Clocked me?" Charlie seemed to be holding in a laugh. "Come on. I love you, baby, but you couldn't last thirty seconds against me."

Standing there in her grey pleated skirt and a neon pink bra trimmed with black lace, Tonks put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "Oh yeah? Care to place a wager on that, big man?"

Charlie gave her a Look. "I'm not going to fight you, Tonks."

She pulled her shirt off of the bed post behind him and started putting it on. "Smart move. I wouldn't want to risk that pretty face of yours either."

"Tonks, be reasonable. Just tell them you've reconsidered, and come to Romania with me instead…"

"Oh, just do that, shall I?" She fumbled with the buttons on her shirt. "And why exactly should I do that? Why don't you call the dragon blokes and call it off, and come to London with me?"

Charlie wrinkled his nose. "Well, because I..."

"Don't say it," Tonks muttered under her breath.

"I mean, I'm…"

"Don't you dare say it."

"The man!"

She grabbed the pillow from where she'd just been sitting and hit him over the head with it. "You chauvinistic troll!"

Charlie made a sound kind of like "oof!" and then regained his composure and said, "Okay, fine, not because I'm the man. Because it's practical. I already have a job lined up, but if you don't make it through training - "

"I'm going to make it through!"

"… if you don't make it through training, and I stay here, I'll have given up a great opportunity for nothing."

Tonks slipped her tie around her neck and regarded Charlie for a moment. "Okay, I've got a deal for you."

He waited patiently for her terms.

"We're going to fight."

Charlie sighed. "Tonks - "

She held up a hand. "No, I'm serious. You, me, on the Quidditch pitch at midnight. If you really want to be with me… if you win, I'll come to Romania with you. If you win, you come to London with me."

"I'm not going to hurt you!"

She shrugged. "You'll have an awfully hard time winning, then."

"I'm twice your size, Tonks."

"So? I'm better at charms. Until you get my wand away, you're at the disadvantage."

Charlie sighed, but seemed to consider it for a moment. "Okay. Okay, I'll do it, but only if we implement some rules. Because I am not hurting you, and you can think what you want about that. No spells designed to cause physical injury. And if it comes to physical fighting, then the objective is pinning, not knocking out. Like that Muggle sport. Rassling, not boxing."

"Wrestling," Tonks corrected, rolling her eyes. Then she stuck out her hand. "Deal. Quidditch pitch at midnight. Don't chicken out."

Charlie shook her hand. "I'll be there."

- - -

There was no one there to give a play-by-play because they came alone. After all, being out of the castle after hours was bad enough, but using offensive spells against another student was grounds for serious disciplinary action.

Still, if there were a play-by-play of the beginning of the Charlie vs. Tonks Ultimate Grudgematch for Wedded Bliss, it might have gone something like this:

Both of our opponents look like they came here to win, ladies and gentleman. This is going to be a--woah, and we're off! Tonks has already gotten off the first shot, a skilled knock-back spell! It looks like Charlie has some serious competition in the spell-casting department. But wait, here's a smart move on his part; he's gotten off a spell himself before he's even up off of his arse. Looks like a jelly-legs hex, but… oh, it just misses her! Seems like Tonks' strategy here is to keep him off balance and as far away as possible. Good idea, since she's got the upper hand as long as she has her wand. Ouch! Another knock-back and Charlie goes flying like a rogue bludger! Tonks has got a big smile on her face now, looks like she's pooling the energy for something big… but… wow, big upset! Charlie has managed a flawless disarming spell! It's going to be a race now, ladies and gentleman… they're both running, Tonks towards her wand and Charlie towards her… and BAM! They've collided in the middle of the pitch! Don't count out Tonks just yet, though… her wand is only inches away, and if she can reach it during the struggle she might just be able to send him flying again. But he's not going to give her the chance if he can help it. Charlie's working hard to get her pinned, but it looks like she's slipperier than he anticipated. Ooh, is that a pink thong underneath that grey pleated skirt? Looks like Charlie's noticed too! The momentary distraction seems to have been enough to give Tonks the upper hand, and… oh, ouch! She's got her legs wrapped around his neck! But not in a sexy way--he's turning blue! Looks like Tonks has discovered the 'ole strangle-him-with-your-thighs technique! This could be it for Charlie, ladies and gentleman… is he going to tap out? Wait, no! Somehow he's managed to gasp out that jelly-legs hex again! And she's on her back! He's got her pinned… I'm about ready to call this one for Charlie, unless… oh! The change in position has gotten Tonks that much closer to her wand. Just a little farther… yes! She's got it! Charlie's got a hand on her throat and she's got a wand against his! We appear to be a stalemate…

"Two little words and I can make you black out," Tonks threatened breathlessly.

"Think you can get out both of them before I start squeezing?" Charlie countered, wheezing a little himself.

Tonks shifted slightly underneath him. "If you squeeze, I squeeze." Her hand curled threateningly around his groin. "And I don't mean in a good way."

Charlie groaned. "You're playing dirty…"

"You're the one threatening to choke me. No physical injury, remember?"

"You're holding my bollocks hostage!"

"I still think I can get my spell off first. This does not count as having me pinned," Tonks insisted.

"Well it doesn't count as having me pinned either."

They glared at each other.

Seconds ticked by.

Then suddenly Tonks blinked. "Charlie, are you starting to get an erection?"

"… yes," he mumbled.

"That's a little messed up, you know."

"I can't help it," he whined. "You're so fucking hot when you're kicking arse."

The glare fell from Tonks' face, and she grinned. "Even when it's your arse?"

"Especially then."

"So you're conceding that I kicked your arse?"

"Only if you concede that I kicked yours right back."

"But then who won?" she asked as she slid her hand down his trousers.

His hand fell away from her neck. "Can we decide later?"

She let her wand clatter to the ground as she strained her head up to catch his lips. As their mouths met, he was already pushing one hand up her skirt to yank at the pink thong that he'd been admiring earlier.

"You weren't playing fair, wearing this," he mumbled.

She giggled against his mouth. "You never said I couldn't use everything at my disposal. If some dark wizard lets himself get distracted by my knickers…"

"He'll never know what's coming." Charlie growled softly and shifted so that he was fully on top of her.

"We're going to get into so much trouble if someone catches us out here…" Tonks gasped as he slid his fingers between her legs.

"You think shagging is worse than duelling?"

"I think that depends on whether it's Snape or McGonagall who catches us."

"Snape would probably want to watch."

"Ew!"

"You think he ever - "

"Charlie, can we please not talk about Snape while you've got your fingers inside me?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Charlie shifted their bodies again as he pulled down his trousers with his free hand. Then he retrieved his other hand and positioned himself between her legs…

"Ouch!"

Charlie froze. "But I haven't even gotten inside yet!"

"No, I think… ow…" Tonks wiggled underneath him. "It's my bum… I think I bruised it when I hit the ground."

"Your bum?" Charlie pulled away, and looked down when she rolled onto her side a little. An impressive purple bruise was blossoming just below her hip. "Ouch," he agreed.

"Oh, sod it. Just ignore it and fuck me." She rolled over onto her back again.

"Yes, ma'am."

- - -

When they lay on the grass afterwards, Charlie made a bad joke about seeing stars, and Tonks punched him in the shoulder.

"Hey, I think we've had enough violence for one night," he complained.

"Not that it did us any good. We haven't really resolved our problem, have we?"

Charlie sighed and rolled over on his side to face her. "No, I think we have."

She lifted an eyebrow. "Do I sense the threads of compromise?"

"Look, baby. I'm sorry I implied you're not tough enough to be an Auror."

"Implied?"

"Okay, I'm sorry I was a chauvinist pig."

"Apology accepted."

"If it makes you feel better, I really wasn't insinuating that you should just be barefoot and pregnant. I know that's not the kind of girl you are. And I love you for it."

"Aww." She kissed him on the nose. "And I know you're not the type of bloke to sit around at home while I'm off doing the breadwinning. So it appears we're at an impasse."

"I guess I should go to Romania," he sighed.

"And I should go to London."

They just looked at each other for a moment.

"So we've got another month of shagging, right?" Charlie blurted.

"Right. And when we're both around on holidays?"

"Right. And can I get a naked picture of you to keep me warm in Romania?"

"Oh, yeah," Tonks promised. She waggled her eyebrows and then leaned in to whisper in his ear.

"It'll be totally spooge-worthy."