Entry tags:

Fic: Vacillate (Sirius/Lily)
To: petulantgod
From: sioniann

Title: Vacillate
Author: sioniann AKA happiestwhen
Recipient’s Name: petulantgod
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sirius/Lily (implied James/Lily)
Summary: Vacillate (intr.v.): To swing indecisively from one course of action or opinion to another.
Author’s Notes: written for petulantgod who requested something with Sirius, thematic characterization, and realism. I hope you enjoy this! Thank you so much to my betas.

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"We have to stop this." Her voice doesn't even tremble when she says it. She isn't looking at him. Sirius is sprawled across the mattress, all long limbs and lazy smirks and a shirt that rides too high on his stomach. He tries to catch her eye, to read something, anything, from her, but she isn’t looking at him.

Lily is perched on Sirius' bed, looking anxious, her hair a spectacular mess of red against her black robes. She's trying very hard to focus on nothing at all, ignoring the vibrant red and gold that adorns the robe, ignoring, even more pointedly, the grey-glazed look in Sirius' eyes. She's here for a purpose, and she's not going to waver.

Sirius sneers, pulling her closer, his arms slipping easily around her waist. She doesn't fight him. She doesn't have to. "We aren't doing anything," he says, mockingly. "Isn't that what you said? Sucked me off and called it nothing."

"Sirius–" Lily protests, but Sirius clamps his palm over her mouth and stops her.

"Don't you dare try to explain. I'm his friend. I don't go behind his back for just anyone." When she tries to pull free, he lets her, leans back against the pillow and watches her, cheeks flushed with anger, her eyes wild with something else.

"My, aren't you kind," she spits, anger threatening to slice through her words, her eyes narrowed to green pinpoints. "You make me feel so special."

"You are." Sirius' grey eyes darken.

"Fuck you." Lily smoothes her hands down her robes and climbs off the bed. Standing is better. She's weak and suggestible when she's sitting on his rumpled coverlet. "I don't want to hear it. You said the same thing before."

"That's because it's true. I'm not trying to manipulate you, Lily. I love you."

Sirius knows to look her in the eye, and Lily holds his gaze as she replies, "And I love James."

"Will you stop saying that?"

"It's the truth, Sirius."

"Well, so is this!" he retorts, flinching as her words hit him, and sending them back as a daggered reflection.

There's a petulant quality to his reply. He sounds like he's all of eight years old and arguing with Regulus over whose blankets are warmer, or who was served more for dinner. "You don't have to be his girlfriend. He doesn't treat you--"

"He treats me fine, Sirius." Lily's voice is rough as she cuts off an argument she’s heard too many times. Wringing her hands, she sits back down on the bed, careful to keep a distance between herself and Sirius. "Like you know anything about love and relationships. All you know is that you like sex, and you want it; it doesn’t matter where it comes from as long as it’s a steady supply." Her shoulders are slumping, and she seems curled in on herself. She lets her hair fall over her shoulders, a delicate shield of red. She’s done this before, but he never listens. He doesn’t know how to read the cartography of her body, and he doesn’t want to listen to her words unless they’re yes.

Sirius sits up on the bed, moving closer to Lily, eyes narrowing as he does so. She doesn't flinch or move away. "You don't love him!" he hisses.

"Don't tell me whom I do and don't love," she says with a glare, and her hands fly to his chest, hitting him with dull beats: three, four measured punches. "I sure as hell don't love you, Sirius."

"Shut up, just let me–"

"Let you what? What, are you actually asking if we can have sex now?"

"I love you, Lily Evans." The words sputter from Sirius' mouth and die in the air. They sound ridiculous and Sirius wishes he could draw them back into his mouth and swallow them down again, keep them in the dim light that blankets his feelings.

"Don't say that, Sirius. It's not true." Lily wants to be rational. She's trying. She covers his hands with hers for a moment before closing them to fists and returning them to her lap. "You're just confused."

"I am not bloody confused!" He doesn't want to calm down, or act rationally. He just wants this to be over, if it’s going to be over. He just wants it finished, wants to race forward to the ending he knows is coming.

Lily pushes her hair back behind her ear the way she does when she's exasperated. White hands dance over tumbling red and for a moment, Sirius is mesmerized. "You don't know what you want."

"I am not a child."

"Oh, I see that, yes."

"If you're going to leave me–"

"I've already left."

"If you're going to leave me, can't I just..." Sirius leans in and presses his lips to Lily's neck. She lets him, but when his hands come up to cup her breasts, she shoves him back and away.

"No, you can't."

"You're beautiful." Sirius is amazed that he isn't drunk. He's saying that and he's sober. He's really a goner.

"I don't want this." Lily is sitting bolt upright on the bed. Her socks have slid down and sit bunched around her ankles, and her shoes are kicked off, lost under Sirius' bed. She is beautiful. Sirius sits up again and slides closer. He curves one hand around her waist, fingers tentative, and breathes hot against her ear. He can feel her breath shudder on the inhale.

"Kiss me," he whispers.

"No," she replies, quietly. "It's over." She doesn't move.

"Why aren't you leaving, then? Get out before James gets here." Sirius lets her go and she recoils as if the sudden absence of his touch has burned her. James will get here, soon. Sirius doesn't mean to hurt him, really. It's just that James has no more claim to Lily than Sirius does.

"Maybe I want him to find me." Lily looks at him. Her eyes flash messages that Sirius can’t decipher, even if he wanted to. She looks dangerous.

Maybe I do, too, Sirius thinks, but it's wrong, and he doesn't say it. "Slut," he says, evenly, instead.

"Maybe I am," she says, fumbling with the buttons of her robes coyly. "You don't know what I want, Sirius. You don't know who I am. You don't have a clue."

"Get off of my bed."

Lily smirks at him. This is her game now, and she plays to win. "So now you want me to go? Because I can't give you what you want? Because I'm not spreading my legs and letting you fuck me? You're so selfish, Sirius." She says his name like it's hot on her tongue, and Sirius feels himself getting hard.

"I see what this is," he says. "You can't bring yourself to end this."

"Fuck you," Lily retorts, but it sounds more like a promise than a threat.

"It's true." Sirius smiles, lips quirking. "It's because James won't ever make you come like I can." He articulates each syllable carefully as he pushes Lily back onto the bed. She doesn't resist, just watches him appraisingly, looking to see how he'll navigate his way through this intricate dance. "You want me, Lily," he whispers, before kissing her on the lips. She doesn't kiss back, but he can see it in her eyes that she wants to. "You're wet for me."

"I hate you, Black."

"Hah!"

"What are you waiting for?" Lily asks, mockingly. "If you're going to fuck me, then do it. You're running out of time. Tick tock, Sirius." That's enough to set him off, and he straddles her, pulling at her robes and kissing her neck desperately. She just looks at him as though everything he's doing is wrong. It is, and maybe it's better that one of them recognizes it. Sirius starts to undo the belt of his trousers and then freezes. He feels Lily's body soft beneath his, her breath coming in fragile spurts of air, her arms limp at her sides.

"I'm," he says, "not going to–"

"Not to going to what? Rape me?" She's laughing. She's actually laughing. Sirius cock is pressed to her thigh and her breath is ragged, but she's still laughing.

"I..." Sirius trails off and thinks that he should just climb off the bed and go to the shower and jerk himself off and let Lily leave. It is over. She's James' girl. Always has been. Sirius was just playing, just pretending, just filling a pair of shoes that didn't fit. He wants, oh how he wants, but he's not going to take what's not offered.

A moment hangs in the air like an ellipsis.

"You know," Lily says, quietly, "I didn't actually think you really cared. About me, I mean. I thought it was all just some kind of competition with James."

"It was never about James." Sirius knows he's lying, but he doesn't care. It's wrong to think about James when he's here with Lily.

"You're different from him. You never say things like forever and always. You just fuck. I like that. You're–" She shrugs. "–better than him."

Sirius almost smiles, but Lily's told him before that she hates when he acts cocky, so he just lets his lips curl slightly before he leans down to kiss her. She kisses back this time, soft and delicately. Her hands lock behind his neck, fingers lacing together, tight enough so there's no space in between. Sirius grinds down against her, growling as his cock rubs over her clothes.

"Want you," Sirius murmurs. He pulls her robes apart, undoes his trousers, and lifts her skirt. The tartan feels rough under his fingertips. He’s not going to back away now, not going to be the charming gentleman with a sense of consideration. When he pulls her underwear down, her cunt is wet, the red curls glistening. She’s not backing away either; she can’t. She arches into his hand and he fingers her, forgetting all their arguing and thinking only of this. Just this.

"Sirius, please," she says, hips rocking up as she twists under him. He slides his fingers out, teasing her clit before moving his hands back up her body, to her breasts. She doesn’t even blink at the touch. When he thrusts into her, she gasps and he closes his eyes, whispers, "God", because saying her name sounds wrong. She can claim him, but it doesn't work the other way around.

"Harder. Sirius, fuck–"

Sirius moves, thrusting in and out of her, her cunt clenching around the heat of his cock. He falls into a familiar rhythm and Lily's hands wrap around his back, holding on and pulling up as he pushes down. They collide again and again and Lily kisses him, just as passionately as Sirius has seen her do with James.

"Touch me, please, Sirius. Don't just fuck me." He does, lets his hand slide between them and flick over her clit, catching in the curling hair and rubbing. He can feel her body shudder and spasm. It's perfect when she comes. She looks broken and wild. Sirius wonders if James has ever seen her like that, and if he ever will.

Sirius comes inside her to the pulse of her orgasm, the feeling of her clenching around him, sending him over the edge. He collapses against her, breathing hard into the crook of her neck, smiling just the same.

"Good, good," Lily mumbles, repeating the word again and again. Sirius can feel her heartbeat slowing with each passing second, her breathing returning to normal.

Sirius slides out of her and he says nothing. He tries to remember what they were talking about before, and if it was important. Lily reminds him when she says, "Well, I'm leaving, then. Thanks for that." She pushes him off of her and sits up. "My blouse, please?" She asks, gesturing to the shirt at the head of the bed. Sirius hands it to her, looking perplexed as she dresses without replying.

"Wait," Sirius says, finally, pulling his boxers and trousers up and buckling the belt. "You're just going to go? After we just–"

"What were you expecting, Sirius?"

"I don't know. I thought, well, that we were–"

"I'm James' girlfriend, Sirius."

Sirius nods slowly, realization hitting him, finally.

Lily climbs off the bed and straightens her robes. Her cheeks are flushed and her hair is a mess, but she is smiling at him in a detached manner as she says, "Nothing's changed."

James walks in a moment later, his knees grass-stained and his lips pink from the cold. Quidditch practice. He looks surprised to see Lily in their dormitory, but not suspicious. James was always far too trusting.

"Ev–Lily! Hi!" he exclaims. He smiles at her, a big goofy grin. I love you, it says, and Sirius' heart sinks.

"Ah, James," Lily says, blushing right on cue and smiling back. "I was just waiting for you."

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