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The HMS STFU - FAMILY MATTERS, CHAPTER ONE - OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT
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| | Current Music: | Placebo - Evil Dildo | | Subject: | FAMILY MATTERS, CHAPTER ONE - OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT | | Time: | 12:28 am | | Current Mood: | OWWWWWWW MY BRAIN |
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| [index of all sporked chapters here.]
I've been putting this off because of the trauma, oh bloody fuck the searing, burning trauma but all the Ginny-bashing of late pissed me off, so: here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. Really. You should sit down for this. And buckle up, this is long, and the bumpy ride is just beginning.
I bring to you chapter one of the one, the only ... Family Matters.
Warning #1: this is very, very long.
Warning #2: this is very, very scary.
If you're unfamiliar with the story, well then, have I got a treat for you. Because this fic has a little something for everybody. Do you like your characterizations as flat and one-dimensional as possible? Come on in! Up for a fic that classifies everybody as EVIL! or GOOD! and rewards or punishes them accordingly? Why, you'll barely recognize Severus Snape! Want to hear a clumsy 16-yr-old boy turn into a poet while getting laid? Harry's such a master with words, he really is. Bored with Tonks? It's ok, she changes personality every chapter! And let's not forget the ending, which really takes the prize for "And everybody lived happily ever after, EVERYBODY DAMMIT, even dead people, and rainbows shone right out of people's asses, and the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day, and nobody was ever mean to Harry or Hermione ever again."
But my favorite reason to hate this fic is that it reads as if the author was attempting to win a prize for random eyebrow-raising WTF?-ness. I am beginning to wonder if someone posted on their blog:
Hey! A new challenge for you guys, and it's a biggie! R U READY?????!
K. Here it is: Write a H/Hr fic which includes ALL of the following:
- Harry gets Hermione's mom pregnant (bonus points if Hermione is OK with it!)
- Harry and Hermione have sex while one of them is in a coma
- Hermione is a nudist
- Hermione's parents catch them having sex and don't care
- One of them attempts suicide
- Hermione's parents get magical abilities (bonus points if it's in some ridiculously easy way!)
- Harry and Hermione are able to communicate telepathically
- Harry saves Hermione from being raped
And it has to be a LOVE STORY!!!!
Then, upon seeing this list of doom, kinsfire said, Hey! I can do that.
And yea, for verily, he did. (Note: I originally said "she," but I was corrected on that point by the lovely ![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif) camilla. Turns out that the Harmonian author known as "kinsfire" is a he in his forties who also happens to be a furry. PLEASE, NO FURBASHING!)
You have been warned.
Chapter One
The fic starts immediately after the ending of OotP, as the Dursleys and Harry are leaving the train station. (This isn't a rebellion against HBP canon - the fic was started back in 2004. The sins against pre-existing canon will be coming along shortly.)
Right. So, you know how OotP closed with the members of the Order all threatening the Dursleys, who kind of panicked and stammered, and were going to lay off Harry from now on, because they don't want to be turned into newts?
Fuck that.
The threats to Vernon had caused the exact opposite effect from what the Order members had expected. They had expected him to be cowed, and to give Harry greater freedom; instead, they had set Vernon to calculating, and had returned Harry to his pre-Hogwarts days.
Oddly enough, I had thought that Harry's pre-Hogwarts days were filled with neglect, not sadistic abuse. But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Vernon sends Harry back down to the cupboard with his trunk (no word on how they both fit in there - does he sleep on it?) and explains that Harry is going to send little blah notes saying "I'm fine, I don't wanna talk" every other day, or else Vernon will crumple up Hedwig and make Owl McNuggets. Then he smacks Harry around a bit, because he's Vernon Dursley, and the reader might not have figured out yet that he's a goatfucker meanieface pootiehead.
He also says, and I'm quoting: There are things I can do to you, Harry, that won't show up in a search. This is important. Remember it, k?
Anyway. Cinderella Harry is rudely awakened the next morning and forced to do all of the dishes that Vernon piled up in the night, and also cook breakfast. Also, Vernon really needs to drive home this sadistic fucker bit, so he proceeds to chargrill Harry's hand.
[Harry] turned to make toast when he felt Vernon's foot shoot out to trip him. He fell to the ground, the pan making a loud clanging noise just before Harry's left hand came down in it. Before he could pull his hand out of the still sizzling pan, Vernon was holding him down. "This is a taste of what I'm going to do to you, freak. You won't be going back to that school this September, if I have my way. Once you're eighteen, you're gone, but until then, you're mine." He finally let Harry up, and Harry looked at his hand. There were second degree burns on the palm of his hand, and he was fairly certain that the fingertips had sustained third degree burns.
OK. Let's ignore the American speech patterns and slang. We're going to skip right past the invisible protecto-shield of Harry's not kicking on like it did when Vernon choked him - although arguably he's not dying, but I didn't think he was then, either - and we won't breathe a word about the age of adulthood being 17, since I don't know if that's for all of the UK or just the wizarding world, so that might be legit.
Didn't Vernon just say he was going to fuck up Harry in ways that were undetectable?
Exactly how does having a medium-rare left hand count as undetectable? I mean, the neighbors are going to see that shit, much less the wizards that are supposed to be checking on Harry. (Of course, it turns out they aren't paying too much attention, but Vernon doesn't know that.)
Right. So he's not even bothering with his own continuity, so I guess it makes sense that he's going to fuck up Rowling's.
Harry finishes cleaning up breakfast and is forced to go out and mow the lawn. At 6:30 am. He tries to tell Vernon that the neighbors are going to be annoyed about the early hour (and therefore more likely to notice unusual things) but hey, Vernon could give a fuck about the neighbors. Psssht. Since when did Vernon care about the neighbors?
He spends the rest of the day cleaning and scrubbing and dipping his hand in bleach, until he goes to the cupboard, bloody and broken, and collapses in a heap. He begins to think about his friends, his awesome friends, to combat the pain. And here, the author cheats.
I can never admit it, but [Hermione]'s the reason I never do well on my essays - I'm always looking at her. How do I tell her that she's beautiful? That somewhere in the last five years, I fell in love with her?
OK, you know what? It's time for a little rant. Because the author just cheated.
We've spent five books inside Harry's head. Everything that he knows, everything that he feels, he passes along. And now, suddenly, he knows that he's in love with Hermione? Has for ages? Exactly when did this earth-shattering epiphany of his occur!?! It sure as fuck wasn't in OotP, because he would have mentioned it. And we've been with Harry every moment since then.
You can use canon to argue six ways from Sunday that he was starting to crush on someone or noticing someone else on a deep subconscious sort of level. You can use subtext and patterns and debate how close he is to realizing it. That's at least legitimate. But to backdate an epiphany? That's not just twisting canon, it's breaking it.
OK, rant off. Back to the badfic.
Harry's hand is getting more and more putrid and he's forced to clean, clean, clean. He dashes off notes to the Order, and Vernon tells Hedwig not to fuck around with the messages or he'll kill Harry. Harry, incidentally, is being smacked in the head with frying pans, beaten with a belt, and so on. It's good times for Harry, yo.
(Amazingly enough, even though Aunt Marge calling his dad nasty names was enough to get Harry to Hulk Out, the Dursleys' abuse never gets him upset enough that they're turned into Dursley Pops. Funny how that goes, isn't it? Maybe he's the S&M type.)
Finally, in the beginning of July, the Dursleys lock him in a cupboard for a day while going out, and Harry makes his move. He kicks down the cupboard door, gets his stuff together, and sends Hedwig off to Hermione with a short note explaining that he's sick of the Dursleys and bailing. He won't tell her where, so that Snape and/or Dumbledore can't "mind-rape" her. The next two paragraphs are so OMFGWTFBBQXYZ that I need to include them in their entirety.
Fuck them all! Let Tommy kill all the damned wizards! If this is the kind of treatment the good guys give their saviour, I'd be tempted to join up with Tom.
I won't, though, because it would disappoint YOU, and I've done that too many times. I will fight Voldemort for YOU, Hermione, because you've always been there for me. Not for Dumbledore, or MacGonagall, or even the Weasleys. For you and your parents, and all the other Muggle families out there who get caught in the middle of this shit.
Let's do the major bullet points of the eye-bleedingly bad OOC-ness, shall we?
1 - Harry just called "Tommy"
2 - Harry is threatening to join up with his parents' murderer just because the Order didn't have his back
3 - Harry doesn't care any more about Voldemort killing his parents, but he'll fight for HERMIONE!
4 - "Their saviour"? When he's always been the one that hated that shit?
5 - Harry just called Voldemort "Tommy" - that one bears repeating. Tommy.
Harry nicks some food and spends a few minutes completely trashing the Dursleys' house, because hey, it's a good idea to delay his escape by ten minutes in case they come home early. He then proceeds to jerk off all over Petunia's couch, and write nasty messages in the spooge. OK, the jerking off bit didn't happen, but admit it, the story would be more entertaining if it had.
Harry strolls down the street whistling and bumps into Tonks #1. Tonks #1 is snotty, condescending, and an utter twat. She tells him he can't leave, and he attempts to out-twat her. It's really a close call who is more of a self-righteous entitlement bitch in the following shouting match, which I'm happy to see because it means the end of chapter one is coming at last.
Harry says he doesn't trust the Order, and that they're stupid for not figuring out that "Am fine. More later. Harry." wasn't really him. Since he's usually such a chatterbox and all. But I'm still taking points from the Order for not noticing Harry walking around with the big bloody carcass stump on his left arm.
He shows his bruises to Tonks as they arrive at the Figgs' place, and he uses the Floo to go to the Gryffindor common room. And thus, we reach, at long last -
THE END
(for now)
I was going to do a rework/clean-up pass on this, but I'm bleeding from what's left of my eyeballs, so you guys are just going to have to deal with my inevitable fuck-ups. (ETA: I did go back and add in some blockquoting to make the actual quotes stick out a bit more. Never say that I don't love you.)
Now, you'll have to excuse me - I need to go weep for humanity and make some voodoo dolls. | comments: Poke a delusional shipper     |
| Oh. Fuck. I have no idea on kinsfire's gender, actually. I think I assumed s/he was female because it's fandom, and 80% of fandom is female, and besides, the crappy love scenes totally sound girly to me.
If she's a he, should I go back and edit? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Yeah! It's not us women who wreak all the trainwrecks in fandom, srsly! Don't want to give people the wrong idea, :D Besides, the wankhappy Harmonians have a critical mass of male members, there is Vance, there is Falcon ... | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Oh, after seeing Vanceone spooge, I'd never think it's just girls that are the batshit crazies. Equal Opportunity Wankas: Boys Can Be Lame Too!
I edited and I credited you. :) | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | The one with the 'it sucked because she was pregnant', right? Doesn't surprise me at all. I have a link somewhere for him with some Dementor mpreg fic, so he can compare. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| So you could edit, and make it, Kinsfire, a Harmonian furry in his forties ...
Happy to be of service. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Ahahahahahahahaa. Actually, what disturbs me is that he mentions in one of the author footnotes that he has a stepchild around that age. Um. And this is the fic where Hermione's parents are completely OK with her bonking Harry at 15, because they're souuuuuuulmates!? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Well, the Harry doing his dead dad, and the Hagrid sodomizing Dumbledore with his pink umbrella didn't scare me at all. It is when crackfic authors start conjuring up parallels between their omfgbbq fic and their RL that I start getting slightly squeazy. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
smo | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-02-28 05:22 pm (UTC) |
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| Hagrid sodomizing Dumbledore with his pink umbrella
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
No, I don't know why I found that so hilarious. I suspect I might be brain-damaged. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| I think it just stands to show how long you've been in the trenches of the HP fandom. Like a level or rank...
Shipping flame wars shock you - newbie
All the way up to...
Hagrid sodomizing Dumbledore with his pink umbrella while Inferi!Sirius watches, and Harry gets horny.. makes you laugh - veteran of the HP wars | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Is it a sign of my extreme fandom cynicism that on my first read-through, I actually thought your theoretical 'challenge' was real?
Dude, abusive!Vernon is popping up all over the place these days. I might have to look into ranting against this trend. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | No one posted it as a challenge, but all of those things (and more) are, in fact, found within this fic. Yup, comasex. Yup, he knocks up Hermione's mum. This fic is like the gift that keeps on giving. Like syphilis. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Oh fuck, that does it, I *need* to go to bed now because until you just mentioned it? I too thought it was a real challenge >_ | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Let Tommy kill all the damned wizards!
Let Tommy kill all the damned Jerries! (Am I the only one who read it that way? Probably.)
That was so much more entertaining that the original fic. Brava! | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Huzzah! Thank you, I live to please. It is good to know that all of my suffering wasn't for naught. The new eyeballs are rather spiffy as well. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| This is the icon made when NM first showed me this fic. I made other ones, but they're not nearly as funny.
Comasex. Ew. ::shudders::
Turns out that the Harmonian author known as "kinsfire" is a he in his forties who also happens to be a furry. PLEASE, NO FURBASHING!
::resists. With difficulty:: | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Yeah. I've only read parts of the fic because really, that's all you need. The WTFness of Harry's letter is a stand-alone. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| I ... I love you. Please tell me that I can steal that. Neeeeeeeeeed.
(In fact, can I post it with the next chapter?) | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Go right ahead! Someday I might make a still of the FUCK THEM part, because it's so funny but moves too fast. ♥
And thank you! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Ooooh. In that case - I dragged it into Adobe Premiere and slowed down that one frame, if you don't mind (ZOMG U EDITD MY IKON DIE!) - here 'tis:
And that also let me pull out the still of that one frame, for you to use in whatever devious plotting you have for it:
This icon is so much love. So. Much. Love. ♥^2 | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-02-28 03:39 pm (UTC) |
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| This is the fic were Harry impregnates Hermione's mother and her husband is perfectly fine with it, isn't it? And Ron ends up living in a foursome with Luna and the Patil twins?
Urgh. *builds you a shrine* Never have I been able to get to the Nudist!Hermione bit... it's just too painful. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Oh, that's another great bit about this fic! The first few chapters have a lot of Weasley bashing, and then all of a sudden, partway through the fic, it just STOPS. All of a sudden, the Weasleys are cool! NOT AS COOL as the Grangers, of course, but not half so bad after all!
I think perhaps he got some bad feedback about the Weasley-hate and decided to switch gears. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Yup. With twins. Hermione gets pregnant with twins, too. From the comasex. I need a shower.
Yay, a shrine! Thanks! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | God knows there's a lot of whacked-out fic in this fandom. But the oh so special thing about 'Family Matters' is that it is not something dredged up from the bottom of deathcurse.com or adultfanfiction.net It was a hugely popular fic on a supposedly mainstream fanfic site, Portkey. I'll never understand that. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| The thing is, too? There are ways in which it's well-written. I mean, it all follows insane troll logic, but it does follow that logic in a natural progression. The dialogue sounds OOC, but not stilted. The paragraphs and chapters and the general structure of it are solid and work to build the story. It's just that the characterizations are straight from Mars.
There's potential here, is what I mean. I don't know. It's like a really great taco filled with dog food. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | I always thought the potential was if the author could stay away from angst/romance, since his angst made me giggle and his romance/sex made me want to vomit. Not even because of the pairing; I just started to feel like I needed a shower a few chapters past the beginning of the constant graphic sex. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
smo | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-02-28 05:13 pm (UTC) |
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| Why bother bashing him for being a furry, when we can find so many other fun valid reasons to mock bash him? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Oh, God, it's FAMILY MATTERS!!!!!!
*joins in on building you a shrine* That was beautiful. Well, as beautiful as it can be, considering.... | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| If you're unfamiliar with the story, well then, have I got a treat for you. Because this fic has a little something for everybody. Do you like your characterizations as flat and one-dimensional as possible? Come on in! Up for a fic that classifies everybody as EVIL! or GOOD! and rewards or punishes them accordingly? Why, you'll barely recognize Severus Snape! Want to hear a clumsy 16-yr-old boy turn into a poet while getting laid? Harry's such a master with words, he really is. Bored with Tonks? It's ok, she changes personality every chapter! And let's not forget the ending, which really takes the prize for "And everybody lived happily ever after, EVERYBODY DAMMIT, even dead people, and rainbows shone right out of people's asses, and the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day, and nobody was ever mean to Harry or Hermione ever again."
You made me laugh out loud.
I remember coming across this fic and not being able to read it because it kept making me throw up in my mouth and I was worried about the stomach acid damaging my teeth.
What the hell goes through some peoples' minds? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Hee! Thanks. I was linked to it on FW by theregoesmygun, and the thing is? As bad as it was? I could not look away. I just couldn't. I read the whole damn thing, as painful and massively fucked up as it is.
(Then I decided to spork it here, because why the hell should I suffer alone?)
I think this fic is one of the best examples out there of wish fulfillment. Everyone gets exactly the ending he deems appropriate for them. Harry and Hermione get EACH OTHER, in a perfect and true love that defeats Voldemort; Ron and Ginny are happy and SOMEWHERE ELSE WITH OTHER PEOPLE; Snape is exposed as a meanieface and GETS WHAT'S COMING TO HIM; same for Draco; &c. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| You are stronger than I am... I'm reading it now and on chapter 2... growing weaker and sicker by the second.
Though it is funny, seeing the Google ads because one just came up:
Witherwings.net - Their story isn't over yet... *insert cheesy manip of H/Hr* | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| My brain has leaked out my ears... WTF?
"You really want me to say what's going through my mind?" he asked, a little green. She nodded brightly. "I want to make love to you, Hermione. I want to caress your body with my oafish hands. I want to pretend I'm a baby at those sexy nipples of yours, and someday I want to get practice at planting a baby between your absolutely magnificent legs." He was blushing furiously, not believing that he was actually saying these things to her. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| PHWOAHRLALKGAJ;LDKF;ldskjfa;dlf,ma/ds..............
Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | The part that got me was the "planting a baby" part. Though that whole chapter was screwed up, very scary sex scenes. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| LOL. I tried to read this fic when it first came up on F_W, and I never made it past the scene where Harry tries to commit suicide after his night with Mrs. Granger in the Kitchen of Passion. It's too hard to vomit and laugh at the same time--you end up choking, and that passage is pretty much the epitome of the bad sex writing here. Although I also like it when Hermione starts addressing Harry as "Milord" during sex for no particular reason.
I hope this sporking continues. Perhaps if there is someone to hold my hand, I might make it through this fic. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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The HMS STFU - FAMILY MATTERS, CHAPTER ONE - OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT
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