The HMS STFU - Family Matters, Chapter Two - Because I'm A Masochist, That's Why

Subject:	Family Matters, Chapter Two - Because I'm A Masochist, That's Why
Time:	11:23 am
Current Mood:	thud

[index of all sporked chapters here.]

I didn't mean for Chapter Two to take a week, but I've been busy, and it burns it burns it burrrrrrns. Also, this is the chapter that would not fucking die. I dragged it into a text program for a word count - it's literally twice as long as Chapter 1. If that wasn't bad enough, there's one entire scene that we do from one character's POV, and then back up and go through all over again from someone else's. Thanks, kinsfire! Really!

Previously, on Family ~~Is Severely Fucked Up~~ Matters:

- Vernon got sick of the Order pushing him around and beat the snot out of Harry
- Vernon turned Harry's left hand into filet mignon
- Harry sent Hedwig to Hermione with a letter that can be summed up best by this fabulous icon made by

rotten_fish (swipeable w/ credit):

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- Harry made a break for it, heading to Arabella Figg's and flooing into the Gryffindor Common Room
- Harry snarked a lot with Tonks, who in chapter one was a snotty brat (that will change, as Tonks gets a new personality every chapter)
- Canon was tied to a barrel and raped without lube
- I jammed pens into my eyeballs to stop the pain the pain THE PAIN

So, who can't wait for chapter two??? Let's get this started.

CHAPTER TWO

Apparently, Tonks flooed right along with Harry, because the first thing he does upon arrival in Gryffindor Tower is smack her upside the head with a blunt object. With Tonks out cold, he drops his stuff in his room, tells the Fat Lady to get the nurse, and makes a break for it. He decides to hopscotch around, taking the Hump-Backed Witch route to Hogsmeade, going from there to the Shrieking Shack, flooing in to Diagon Alley, and then going in to Gringott's to get some cash.

That's just the first three paragraphs. Fuck, this is going to be long.

Armed with quarters, he calls Directory Assistance and asks for the phone number for the Granger dentistry office. Once connected, we get our first bit of foreshadowing.

"Harry?" The voice was female, and sounded a lot like Hermione, but was also obviously more mature. "Helen Granger. What's happened?"

Her voice, it sounds just like Hermione's! I bet it would in the throes of passion, too!!! ... Just saying.

Harry explains that Hermione's going to get a freaky owl from him (that apparently has a big, bloody handprint on it, which makes absolutely no sense, as his hand was burned to a crisp about two weeks earlier, and he didn't freaking mention re-opening the wound or anything, and I really doubt it's just been bleeding for two fucking weeks, but why am I expecting logic at this point) and wow, who'dathunkit, Hermione's on the other line! They have a little phone conference and decide that Helen's patients can fuck off, because it's time to rescue Harry.

Of course, Harry can't just give them a location, because PEOPLE ARE AFTER HIM LIKE WHOA. Of course, it was safe to stroll right into Gringott's and hit the ATM, because that's totally not the first place you'd stake out for somebody on the run. Riiiight.

Anyway, Harry says that he's two blocks west and two blocks south of Diagon Alley, but throws in a gratuitous upside-down so that Hermione gets the ZOMG CODE. (He's really two blocks east and two blocks north! How clever!) Helen returns the favor by saying she'll pick him up in half an hour, or possibly double that, cough cough, so he knows that it's really fifteen minutes.

The people who are after Harry are either completely fictional (paranoia, cha-cha-cha!) or too dumb to figure out ZE CODE, and considering they missed the boat on Gringott's, I'd believe either at this point. Helen picks up Harry in her Minivan o'Dentistry, and let's get another bit of foreshadowing in:

Harry was startled. He'd seen Hermione's parents before, but had never looked at them. He was staring at Hermione's older sister, for all he knew.

Wow! They look like sisters! So much alike that I bet, in the dark, it'd be really easy to mix them up!!! ... Just saying.

Helen gets them home safely, and the following scene - where Harry!!! finally meets up with Hermione!!! - is the one that is zomg so special that kinsfire just had to write it twice.

Well, fuck that. We're doing this once through, because this chapter is far too fucking long as it is.

Harry, asleep in the backseat, pulls the invisibility cloak over himself to pull a prank on Hermione, because when you've just been rescued from a sadistic uncle, that kind of shit is funny. When Hermione starts to freak out, he pulls the cloak off - TA-DA! - and she screams and drags him into a hug. Actually, she pulls hard enough that he flies forward, and they topple backwards onto the floor.

Hermione must have the only garage in the UK with shag carpeting, because if you were forcibly knocked onto concrete by about 160 lbs of teenage boy, your immediate response wouldn't be "Awwww, I wanna snog my shmoopiekins" but rather "OW OW GET THE FUCK OFF ME OW!" Although possibly the Power Of Love So Deep And True That It Saves The Universe also keeps you from skinning your elbows and cracking ribs on cement floors. Or else she's just distracted by the tent that Harry's pitching.

Anyhoo, they get to their feet and hug, and he takes a deep breath of her hair and murmurs, "Mmmmm, lavender." (Hermione uses lavender-based shampoo, le gasp!) Of course, what Hermione hears is "Mmmmm, Lavender" - an interesting coincidence considering HBP, snerk - and this leads to a TRAGICOMIC MISUNDERSTANDING which lasts all of three paragraphs, since Harry and Hermione Are So In Tune.

She stiffened and ended the hug. As the hug broke, she looked vaguely hurt. "Let's get inside."

He blinked at her for a moment. "Okay, but please explain to me when we're in there what stupid thing I did this time. I'm always hurting your feelings, and you don't do that to your friends."

Unless they're Weasleys, but Weasleys don't count. Anyway, she points out the L/lavender mishap, and he responds in a way that is totally, completely in-character for Our Hero:

"I think I can understand your reaction, though. Here I am holding a pretty girl, and the only thing you hear me say is something that sounds like another girl's name. Understandable misunderstanding. I'm just glad that's all it was."

Yeah. This is the same guy that couldn't figure out "Why should I tell Cho you're ugly when you're not?"

So Harry and Hermione discuss the fact that the Department of Mysteries was a total fuck-up that could have been avoided if he had listened to his ~~sooooulmate~~ Best Friend Ever, Who Was Right, As Always, Again, and we cut to Hermione's POV to do the same damn scene all over again.

Hermione's POV actually backed up to start a bit earlier than Harry's did for that scene, so even though I combined the rest of it, I'm throwing these paragraphs here, because it's my sporking, dammit, I can do whatever I like.

Before Harry shows up, Hermione is sitting around thinking about how much she wants to confess her undying love for him, worrying about him zomg, pining about how much she's wanted to fuck him for over a whole year now, being psyched about getting to spend a WHOLE SUMMER with him, and wondering whether Harry will freak out at seeing her naked.

We'll have to get him used to our attitudes about skin and sex in this household first, remember. Poor boy might explode if I don't warn him. She giggled briefly. I'll bet he wouldn't complain about the view, though. How many girls has he seen nude? I'm betting I'll be his first.

Yeah. Hermione's family? Nudists. She's never mentioned it in five years for no apparent reason, she's never so much as hinted at it, but boy, are Hermione's parents big on the skin thing.

Also? Hermione knows everything about Harry's nonexistent lovelife. If he'd seen Cho naked, she'd know about it. If nothing else, then just from the permagrin plastered to his face for the next week or so.

So we go through the whole conversation again, but this time, when we get past the OotP recap, it keeps going. Hermione spots Harry's charred hand, which mysteriously never stings when he smacks it off concrete and isn't noticeable until someone gets right up close. She gasps and he explains that Vernon's an asswipe, and that he's been dipping it regularly into bleach in order to keep it clean.

So that's why he's not screaming in pain while he bangs it around. Apparently, Harry is just that hardcore. Or else he's killed all the nerves by this point.

He repeats the tale to the Grangers, referring to the Dursleys as his "zookeepers" - isn't that backwards? - and asking if he can please go to a hospital now, because he's tired of the author massacring his anatomy. Helen suggests they go to a Muggle hospital first to get all of this properly documented for Child Services, because obviously the wizarding world wouldn't have one of those, not to mention far better painkillers.

Also, they're so taken with Harry in the five minutes they've known him that they decide they want to be his guardians for the whole summer, which means that apparently Hermione's musings earlier on that topic were psychic in Nature. Take that, Madame Trelawney!

"We're talking about taking you in until you're ready to be on your own. Sort of a foster son, if you will." She looked at her daughter with amusement. "Actually trying to adopt you might cause some problems for our daughter," she finished with a smile.

Oh, yeah. Mumsy and Daddy are already marrying her off to him. Since they're both fifteen and not even dating (yet). Makes perfect sense to me.

Hermione is sad that he's not seventeen yet and can't tell the Dursleys to go fuck themselves, even though Vernon said just last chapter that he's got Harry until he's eighteen, so yay for consistency, author! But since he's going to be sixteen in three weeks, he can apply to be emancipated as a minor. They talk about that for a while longer, because when a fifteen-year-old boy is doubled over in pain from having a Grill-o-Matic clamped on his hand and bleach poured over the dead skin, you should totally get into legal discussions before dragging his sorry ass to a hospital.

They finally do, in fact, drag him there - oh fucking fuck why is this chapter still going? why? why? why? - and Kingsley Shacklebolt and Tonks #2 shows up. They explain that Dumbledore has fixed the Dursleys' house and that he is to return forthwith. Tonks #2 is even bitchier than Tonks #1, and manages to call him "ickle Harrykins" while taunting him about this. Nice. Apparently that blow to the head didn't go over well.

Harry rants for a bit - oh, snap, he does say he has no feeling left in his hand, that one's my bad - about how Vernon's been kicking the shit out of him, fracturing his skull, frying his hand in a Hollandaise sauce, etc., and lifts his shirt to show them the belt marks all over his torso. If they send him back, he's going to AK all three of the Dursleys, just watch him.

Tonks #2 blinks in astonishment.

"Harry, I didn't know ..." Tonks was murmuring.

Which I would take exception to, since he showed her those exact same bruises while they were arguing at Figg's place, but apparently Tonks' clones don't communicate with one another.

He insists he's not leaving here except with the Grangers, who are uberkeen and spiffy and thoroughly trustworthy, he just knows it, and now's as good a time as any to get into the Weasley-bashing, right?

[L]ike Molly Weasley. I love the woman, but she smothers people like crazy. I don't dare tell her to her face, but she's the reason that Ron's as immature as he is. Ginny grew up the hard way, being taken over by mouldy Voldie, otherwise she'd be just as bad, I'll bet.

OK. So: Molly Weasley is no longer the loving mum he'd kill for, but rather a dense, overprotective cow. Ron isn't his loyal, devoted best mate, but a stupid immature prat. And Harry is glad that Ginny was mind-raped by evil at age eleven, because hey, it's the only reason she's not a twit!

All this from Harry, who, in all the time we've known him, has been about five minutes away from dying his hair red and hoping nobody at the Burrow does head counts. Fun times.

The police show up, and Tonks and Harry have a mini-bonding moment, because Tonks #2 is also prone to massive mood swings. Harry wants Hermione in the room while he talks to the police, because he doesn't want to repeat himself and because She Makes Everything Better, and the police first have to figure out which one is Hermione, because the author's making them work the foreshadowing now, too. I hope they get hazard pay for it.

One of them went to the door, then turned around. "Which sister is it?"

"Thank you dear!" came Helen's voice from out in the hall. "I'm her mother."

Wow! Even the police think they're sisters! I bet you could bang one doggy-style and not realize it wasn't the other!!! ... Just saying.

So actually all the Grangers come in and Harry tells the police all about how the Dursleys have been evil for ages now, and Hermione cries the whole time, and then the police want to talk to the Grangers alone, which leaves Harry with Hermione for some smoochie-smoo talk.

She calls him wonderful, he calls her someone he "lo ... like[s] a lot," he warns her of his constant Danger, and she promises she'll be with him "until the end." She stands and hugs him, and he gets a generous look straight down her shirt. As she's not wearing a bra, it takes him a few seconds to peel his eyes off and pretend he totally wasn't checking her nips.

He was surprised to hear her chuckle and say mischievously, "See something you like, Harry?" He looked back at her in shock, and was surprised to see that she hadn't changed her position.

Shock, gasp! Harry says. I value you too much as a friend to ogle you as a sex thing.

Oh, no no no, Hermione says. Iffen ya like, stare your eyeballs out. I insist. Yum yum. All good.

And if you thought Hermione was winning the Chapter Two edition of the Most OOC Award, wait until you get a load of this:

He interrupted by gently pushing her shoulders up so that the view was no longer evident. "Hermione, I'm a fifteen year old boy. If I have a chance at a view like that one, I'm not going to be able to carry on a coherent conversation with you." He took a deep breath. "I treasure our conversations and our friendship. I'm not going to jeopardize that. You are my best friend, and I will not take advantage of you that way. If I ever take you for granted, I want you to tell me. You mean too much to me for me to abuse you like that." He smiled a tired smile. "Before you worry whether or not I liked what I was seeing, remember that I pushed you away so that I could be coherent." He blushed furiously. "What I could see looked very pretty."

.... Holy fuck.

This. From a fifteen-year-old boy who's just gotten a good look at his first set of boobies. From Harry. Who couldn't figure out why Cho was crying while snogging him. Whose knowledge of the opposite sex at this point seems to be, "Girls pretty. Girls weird though." What. The. Fuck.

The nurse says that visiting hours are over, because the nurse has pity on me and is a sheer and utter goddess, and thank fuck thank fuck thank fuck, that means that we have finally, finally, motherfucking FINALLY reached

THE END
(for now)

Say, if bleach kills nerves ... I think I'm going to soak my eyeballs in some. Or maybe my brain.

comments: Poke a delusional shipper

March 7th, 2006

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