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The HMS STFU - FAMILY MATTERS - CHAPTER THREE - MOMMY, MAKE THE BADFIC GO AWAY
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| | Current Music: | Depeche Mode - Useless | | Subject: | FAMILY MATTERS - CHAPTER THREE - MOMMY, MAKE THE BADFIC GO AWAY | | Time: | 05:34 am | | Current Mood: | *thud* |
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| [Since the chapters are being scattered around by my procrastination, I'm making a post on my journal to collect 'em all link-wise. You can find that here.]
OK, yet again this chapter took way longer than it should have. The truth is that slowly, but surely, this fic is sucking out my will to live. I find myself rooting for Harry and Hermione to get it on already, because of all the stupid foot-dragging in getting there. And then I remember how awful the lurrrrrrve scene is, and I cry. Painful, painful tears.
OK. Quick recap: after OotP, the Dursleys beat the shit out of Harry, who then escaped to Muggle London and is hanging out with the Grangers. They took him to a muggle hospital where Tonks yelled at him (for giving her a concussion during his escape) and Hermione showed off her cleavage. Characterization flew out the window, and logic felt lonely and went looking for it. If you want more than that, you're going to have to check out the first two recaps.
In this chapter, we get a social worker, a trip to St. Mungo's, a shoot-down of R/Hr, and more speechifying than you can shake a stick at. Unless it's a very big stick. We ready?
CHAPTER THREE
Harry wakes up in the hospital, feeling warm and fuzzy despite the Grilled Filet o'Hand. He angsts about scoping the view of Hermione's tits, even though she totally said he could, because now he might look at her as though she's just a sex object. How degrading!
That's one part of normal I simply don't want. Hermione deserves better than to be drooled over by some little jerk like me.
Now would be a good time to introduce the pattern that the Granger-Potter courtship will take. Harry thinks he's thoroughly unworthy of her and keeps apologizing for sharing the same air. Hermione is kind and gentle and saintly and wants only to make dear, sweet Harry as happy as possible. Awwwww.
But Harry is sad. Because Hermione is the "sexiest witch at Hogwarts" and will never return his undying ardor. After all, she and Ron bicker all the time. Sigh. That probably means they'll hook up. [ZOMG CHECK IT I TOTALLY DISSED THE R/HR PEEPLE!!!1]
Hermione shows up, in yet another skimpy top with no bra underneath. You know, for her sake, I hope Hermione's on the smaller-boobed end of the spectrum. Or at least that she doesn't need to run in a hurry.
He's pondering her fabulous tatas:
I can just see telling her, 'Hi, would you mind coming over here and letting me peel you out of that top so that I can gaze longingly at your perfect breasts?' He laughed as he realized the ridiculousness of the statement.
when Hermione reveals that she is PSYCHIC!!!!
"Given where your eyes seem to be resting Harry, would you prefer it if I take off my shirt?" she asked him with an amused smile on her face.
Good thing they have a deep soul bond. Otherwise, someone might mistake this for filthy, filthy lust.
He apologizes for treating her as a sex object, and she pshaws. After all,
If my appearance gives you pleasure, then I have no complaints if you stare at me.
Harmony: Feminist As Ever.
She reminds him not to talk to the chest - yeah, because Hermione Granger would love that shit - and asks why he's sad. Oh, he explains, because this is dangerous. His life is dangerous. Does she know that it's dangerous? Did she warn her parents about how ... DANGEROUS it is?
And then out of nowhere we get this:
"Yes, she has, Harry," Douglas Granger said. "But this is a war. If you know it's happening, you pick a side. Helen and I chose the side of Light, supporting our daughter's ... friend.”
Uh. When did he come in? I looked for it. Please tell me that Doug here doesn't generally hang out while his teenage daughter offers to flash her friends. Let's avoid the squickiness and say he just wandered up, k?
Harry wonders why they keep leaving big gaps when they call him Hermione's ... friend, because, you see, Hermione's parents have already married her off to him, without knowing him for more than a day, and having no idea whether he's even interested in her, or for that matter if he's gay or a serial killer or a fuckwit, because that is completely healthy and normal.
The doctors arrive, thank fuck, except they're also being forced by the author into promoting the Love of Harmony.
“Your girlfriend is pretty,” he added quietly.
Oh, no, Harry explains. She's just my best friend.
But that's the best place to start a relationship! says the doctor. As friends. Good, harmonious friends, not ones that bicker or have little sisters that are total sluts. (OK, so I'm paraphrasing.)
The Grangers say they'll be taking Harry for the summer, which means they have to talk to the social worker, the lovely and bitchy Carla Xiang. She looks "like a cross between Fleur Delacour and Cho Chang" - no, seriously - and Hermione gives her the stinkeye. This is massively in-character, so long as she doesn't do it to Fleur herself in the start of the next book, because that would be horrific and wrong. Okay!
The Grangers insist that they trust Harry, even though they barely know him, because they feel like they know him because their daughter trusts him with her life, and she's obviously a good judge of character. Which they would know because they've seen her like twice in the past five years.
Ms. Xiang looked as if she wanted to say something and was having trouble phrasing it when Helen Granger spoke up. “I think I know what you're worried about, and I will say that I trust my daughter implicitly in that respect as well.”
Let the record show that we've got two chapters to go before Harry and Hermione start humping like rabbits, with Mummy and Daddy's full approval.
Anyway, Harry says, that's not an issue, because Hermione could never love him.
"[S]he's smarter than to get involved with me. If she ever opens her eyes, she'll see the guy right in front of her at the school who's been pining for her for a while. If the two of them can ever stop arguing, that is,” he finished with a grin.
Hint, hint! Like those stupid R/Hr people always say! Ahahahahaha!
At this news, Hermione pales and runs out of the room. [See? I was right about the bra.] Oops, says Harry, did I fuck up again?
Nonono, Mrs. Granger explains, she just had a sudden Realization. Or else some bad tuna. The cafeteria here blows.
Anyway, says Ms. Xiang, tell me how you feel about Hermione and Ron hooking up, since this is totally relevant to the social work I'm doing and not a cheap stupid excuse for a plot point.
"I don't know enough about relationships to know if their arguing is simply them not admitting that they love each other or the sign of something that should be avoided[1], but when they aren't arguing, they're good friends.” He frowned. “Ron usually starts them.[2] I get along with his family, too, but they have seven children. I'm not about to ask to stay with them[3] until the end of the month, even if they'd offer.”[4]
1 - *cough, cough*
2 - Behold, the evil Ron! He's the reason they fight. If he fell down a well and died, why, Hermione would never have any problems ever again.
3 - It's so crowded at the Burrow, y'know. Harry hates that whole huge family thing. Blergh.
4 - Because the Weasleys totally haven't had Harry and Hermione move in for the summers and holidays for three or four years running.
He'd much rather stay with the Grangers, he explains. Having met them, having spent a few glorious hours in their spiffy company, he can understand how they raised such a perfect, saintly daughter. Plus Mrs. Granger is way hot.
You'll be alone together, Ms. Xiang says, and he says, Ah, but you see, she'd never consent to fuck me, and I would never rape her (unless Caina offered it as a fic challenge), so nothing's going to happen. Also, I'm going to move out as soon as possible just to be sure I'm not tempted to molest her or anything. But if you send me back to the Dursleys, I will kill them. So, can I stay with the Grangers?
Totally, says Ms. Xiang. All this talk of violent law-breaking and underage sex turns me on!
"To be honest, I've had to learn how to read people, and you're telling me the truth, and so are they. You'll be happy with them.” She smiled. “You might want to talk to their daughter, as well. She might surprise you. She wasn't entirely pleased with my existence. I think she sees me as a rival for the affections of a very handsome young man.”
Harmony: Because Jealousy is Totally Cool When It's H/Hr.
Ms. Xiang, who has apparently decided that Harry's love life is way more important than her casework, also sticks around to tell him that he should totally ask her out. Oh, says Harry, even if you were right, I'd need to move out, because it'd be rude to fuck her in their house. Besides, it might be dark and I might mistake her for someone else.
Well. Now that that's all settled, Ms. Xiang skedaddles, Hermione and La Parents have a nice big family hug, and Harry confronts her about zomg why'd you freak when I mentioned Ron?
I just don't know how to tell him that I don't fancy him. There's someone else I've fallen for. And you know how Ron gets sometimes. He'll explode at him, and possibly lose the friendship that they've had since first year.
Such an awful temper. I hope Ron doesn't snap and kill anybody. Although, with these Weasleys, you never know.
Meanwhile, Harry is having an attack of the dumbs and wonders whether it's Seamus or Dean or Neville that Hermione is all wet for. Oh, the tragedy!
Speaking of, it's time for more angst. This time in the hospital, see, reminds him of when Dudley broke his arm by smacking him with a fireplace poker. It su-diddly-ucked. Also, it's a good thing that he has boy bits and not girl bits, if you know what he means and he thinks you do. Vernon is so not his type.
Helen spoke quietly. “I think that's why I want you out of there the most, Harry. You talk about episodes of blatant abuse as if they're the most normal things in the world.”
They're normal to me, Harry says, and Hermione cries. Oh, no! Harry thinks, I made Hermione cry. I'm clearly evil. (Not evil like Ron, though.)
Right, well, now that Muggle Services have seen him, he can totally go to St. Mungo's. They lie about what caused the injury - what, wizards don't abuse their kids? - and he gets some potions. He also wants the Grangers to hand over the bill for his medical treatment.
“No need, Harry,” Doug responded. “We're in fucking Britain, and there's National Health Services. Duh."
Oh, wait, that last bit was me. Sorry. Doug actually says something about Harry being very important to the family, hint hint, and therefore he'll pay for the private room and expensive tests, because he's forgotten they live in the UK, too.
A little more family bantering, and then Harry decides to tell Hermione how much he appreciates her love friendship and care because it was meditating on her bee-you-tee-ous boobies soul that got him through the pain, and made it All Ok.
Aw, shucks! Hermione says. You've just been complimenting me up a storm lately.
Her eyes twinkling, she asked, “Is there something else you haven't told me, Mr. Potter?”
GASP PANIC! Harry wheezes and Mrs. Granger saves the topic, such a great lady, that Mrs. Granger. Did you know she's also hot?
Anyway, Hermione says she's not used to thinking of herself as a babe, and Harry says she so is, and they snuggle in the backseat while Harry fights with the urge to declare his love, which brings us to
THE END
(for now)
EXCEPT for a little bit of unintentional humor in the endnotes.
If Hermione seems OoC in this, be aware that I'm working from the concept of her as a naturist and a genius - she will make her own rules, as far as Harry is concerned.
Oh, kinsfire. I know that geniuses can be kinky. Trust me. But it's not her being a nudist that makes her horrifically OOC. Thanks for trying, though. | comments: Poke a delusional shipper     |
| | Damn right it is. I'm amazed she read all through it, though. I've only read the highlights. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Merci. And damn, reading it wasn't half as bad as sporking it. I have to actually pay attention and shit. I'm going to be scarred for life, I just know it.
Usually I go find some decent pr0n and that helps. Yay, pr0n! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | I blush and thank you, monsieur. I've started giving up on logic entirely, which means the recaps are getting exponentially weirder. Wait until you see ch4. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| 'Scuse me, I need to take a steel-wool bath. *does so, a lot*
Harry creeps me for some reason. So does Hermione. Or, rather, Ho!Mione.
You're friggin' hilarious, and you deserve awards and candy and ribbons for being brave enough to even click the LINK that leads to this horror of horrors. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| They are creepy folk in this. Hermione's mom creeps me out more than either of them, though. Yuck.
Yay, candy! Can I trade the awards and ribbons for porn? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| *all headachy from the canon-rape.*
*bangs head against nearby wall.*
Ah, that helps. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | The endnotes usually creeped me out. Kinsfire keeps talking about how he's writing from his personal experience. I hope he just meant the nudism. And not everything else. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | The fact that he has a stepdaughter around this age scares me. Also, the endnotes contain some gems of hypocrisy considering later events. Like how Hermione only seems perfect in this because we're living in Harry's POV. Gosh, why does that sound familiar? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | I squee with delight every time I see you've posted a new chapter. Your sporking of this is beyond hilarious, and about the only way I can even think about the existence of this fic without ending up in the fetal position. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Hee! Your icon makes me giggle. And thanks :D
I'm just about to post ch4, btw. Ch4 seems to have broken my sanity. I faked my own death in the middle of it. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Yay Kate Winslet! It's by tangled_rainbow on LJ, I believe.
I just got done reading Ch4. OhhhhhhhmyohmyohmyWHYGODWHY. You are so brave. I'm very scared of Ch5 now. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Btw, what the heck would a cross between Cho Chang and Fleur Delacour look? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| I get the feeling that was shorthand for "Uh. She's really hot. Hmmm, let's see. OH! YEAH! She's kind of - like Fleur, except - kinda like Cho, too. Like both of them. Like they had sex and had a kid."
Why couldn't he have spent a chapter on Fleur knocking up Cho, then!? That would have been fun. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-03-15 06:40 pm (UTC) |
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| ...
*headdesk*
I think I'm going to go soak my brain in bleach. :) | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Get some SOS pads, too. That way you can just put one right on your brain and scrub, scrub, scrub the trauma away! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Harry! Stop being so creepy! Srsly, he keeps spouting bits of Harmonian philosophy that nobody would ever say in canon - or in real life, for that matter - and it's weird.
I really just want to smack all of the characters around a bit like a creature from Black and White. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-03-15 07:01 pm (UTC) |
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| | Strange. People make fun of this stuff and then go on Fandom Wank and say "people should be able to write whatever they want!111one!" Which one is it? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| People should be able to write whatever they want and we can make fun of it.
It's not hard to get. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Odd. I've never said that. In fact, I think I usually go with, "People write really stupid shit. They have the right to, but boy, wouldn't it be nice if some of them used both brain cells before opening their mouths?"
Now would be a good time to bust out the First Amendment argument, which goes: You have the First Amendment right to say whatever you damn please. And I have the First Amendment right to say whatever I damn please, which includes calling you a very, very bad fic writer. And you, in return, have the First Amendment right to tell me to shove it up my ass, and I, likewise, have the First Amendment right to tell you that your mom already did that, and then fished it out with her tongue. Because your mom has skills.
Isn't the First Amendment awesome?
| | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-03-15 10:13 pm (UTC) |
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| Is it wrong for me to be really looking forward the sporking of the juicier parts of this fic? *g*
lerefuge | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Ron "starts" all the fights because he is the quickest to snap when Hermione's naggy and pushy and passive-aggressive. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Therefore it's all his fault, see? It's a good thing you saw the light--Ron's a filthy Weasley who doesn't role over and be Hermione's bitch, see. Harry does, therefore they love each other. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Psssht. Hermione would never be anything less than perfect. You must be a heathen OBHWF shipper who hates Hermione. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Yay! I need more alcohol. The turpentine stopped working.
It's ma'am, or miss, or "hey, you fucking twat, you're being mean!" Because I am. And people seem surprised by that. I put "bitch" right there in my username, I mean, duh. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| I take the veiw that one can never tell gender these days based on username. *shakes cane* After sepiamagpie fooled me, I've vowed never to be fooled again!
Can't wait for chapter 4. I am something of a machocist, afterall. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Oh! Sorry. The "duh" was directed at people who feign shock at learning that someone with "bitch" in their screenname is, in fact, a cruel and mean-hearted bitch and am not a warm and fuzzy shmoopie-pie, and not directed at you not knowing my gender based on it. I mean, it's a Placebo song title anyway, so it could totally be a guy's screenname. Particularly considering how much Brian Molko loves to genderbend. Mmmm. Brian Molko.
Chapter four is up. I think I out-masochist you for that. ;) | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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The HMS STFU - FAMILY MATTERS - CHAPTER THREE - MOMMY, MAKE THE BADFIC GO AWAY
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