The HMS STFU - Voldemort duels Voldemort, and Mervin and Hyde have a creative endeavor

Subject:	Voldemort duels Voldemort, and Mervin and Hyde have a creative endeavor
Time:	10:42 pm

Here it is…the duel between Voldemort and Rose Potter. Or, should I say, the duel between an idiot who has his bald snakey head jammed up his butt with his hands tied behind his back and Rose Potter. Yes…that’s much more accurate.

Enjoy!

Chapter 32: The Death Eaters

Me: Ah. Let’s see the little bits that are changed in this, hmm?

Wormtail’s robes were shining with blood now; he had wrapped the stump of his arm in them. “My Lord…” he choked. “my Lord…you promised…you did promise…”

“You’re pathetic, Pettigrew,” I said to Wormtail with disgust trailing through my voice.

“I couldn’t agree with you more, Rose,” said Voldemort lazily, and turned back to Wormtail.

Wormtail’s pathetic because he is in serious pain and shows it. Well, Rose, let’s see how you fair with a severed hand. *readies a chainsaw*

“It is back,” he said softly, “they will have noticed it…and now we shall see…now we shall know…”

“Need an audience, Tom?” I mocked with a smile curling on my lips. My Muggle sensei had always told me if you could look death in the face and laugh then it could do nothing to you. Voldemort’s eyes flashed in anger, and for a moment he seemed as if he was about to curse me, but he seemed to regain control of himself. He turned back to Wormtail and pressed his long, white forefinger to the brand on Wormtail’s arm.

Well, shall we now examine the stupidity of that statement our dear Rose just uttered?

She is apparently helpless. I don’t know why, but let’s just play along and say she can’t “teleport” away or break out of the ropes. For some reason, her brains have been sapped. So, she’s tied up and completely at this guy’s mercy. And she decides that now is the best time to come up with a witty remark to try and mock Lord Voldemort, who has a new body and is just itching to kill, maim, torture, and/or generally cause pain to something, but that it would be the person who caused his downfall in the first place would be an added bonus.

If he was in character…well, why don’t I just drag Hyde in here *does so, ignoring the kicking and screamning*, and we’ll illustrate what would REALLY happen with a little collaborative writing, hmm? *imagination and Hyde are kicked into overdrive*

“Need an audience, Tom?” Rose mocked with a smile curling on her lips. Lord Voldemort stopped looking at Wormtail’s Dark Mark. He slowly straightened and turned to look at her, his red eyes narrowed. She saw his fingers curl a little tighter around his wand.

“You talk too much, Rose,” he said softly, and lazily flicked his wand in her direction.

Rose would have screamed, but despite the sudden, searing pain she found herself physically unable to. Metal spikes had just sewn her mouth shut, so she was reduced to nothing but whimpers and muffled cries. Blood dribbled down her chin as she writhed.

Voldemort laughed softly. “Perhaps you forgot that you were at my mercy, Potter? And stop your whimpering…it’s…pathetic,” he said, smiling cruelly as he said the last word. He walked closer to her.

“My dear Rose, I never could have imagined you would have grown to such heights in such a short time,” Voldemort whispered in her ear. “I admit that I am impressed—you’re the only witch or wizard I’ve seen who has even come close to my greatness. And that, I cannot have. There can be only one Dark Lord, and I am he. And to think I thought that the prophesy referred to one who would fight for Dumbledore and his ilk—never in even my wildest dreams would I have imagined it was foretelling the rise of one who would challenge me.”

Voldemort chuckled at her whine of protest. “Oh yes, Rose…I remember three years ago, when you murdered Quirrell—when I truly realised what you are. I underestimated you then. It will not happen a second time. Avada Kedavra!”

Oh…isn’t it beautiful? *sighs happily, then frowns* But Voldemort was OOC, and that didn’t happen. Well, back to the crap.

Mrs. Hyde: *petulantly* Can I go now?

Me: Yeah, yeah—get out of here. On we go.

Voldemort laughed again. I knew retorting was useless, so I kept silent, preparing myself. He had summoned his Death Eaters…he would want to show them that I am no more powerful than he is…we would duel…I realised that I could not hold back at this point…it was just as pointless…I could not use my anger, hate, and similar emotions to battle Voldemort, he was their master…I would have to use…hope, love, friendship, kinship.

As he paced up and down I began to bring forth memories and the emotion that went with them…Cedric’s love, his intelligence, his touch, his kisses….Hermione and Ron’s friendship…Sirius’s near parental love…Minnie…all of it…

I hope you realize that none of those emotions will help you use Unforgivables and all other lethal curses you love to use. Curses don’t work with love and hope. You have to want to use them for pain and hate, you know. Wait. No you don’t.

“Master…master…” he murmured. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, wizards grovelling at this abomination’s feet.

Stop calling him that!

The Death Eater on the ground writhed and shrieked; the sound carried all over the graveyard…but I remained resolute…bringing forth memories and emotions, letting them gather in me.

Ah, Rose isn’t affected at all by watching someone get tortured. After all, they deserve it.

I felt the cold tip of the long white finger touch me, the pain could not penetrate my positive emotions…just like my mother sacrificed herself out of love for me…I would use not her sacrifice…but her love…Cedric’s love…Minnie’s…Sirius’s…Ginny’s.

Ron and Hermione don’t count.

“The servant was killed by Rose Potter, he would have died anyway when I left his body, but I was left as weak as ever I had been,” continued Voldemort.

SEE???!!! EVEN LORD VOLDEMORT ADMITS THAT SHE F*CKING MURDERED QUIRRELL!!!!

It was pain beyond anything I had ever experienced; my very bones were on fire; my head was surely splitting in two along my scar; my eyes were rolling madly in my head…my gathered emotions weathered the storm of pain…the pain was not there…I was not there…I was not there…and then a miracle happened…it seemed as if I was truly not there any more.

I was floating above myself. I could see I had gone limp suddenly, my screams of pain had stopped coming from my body. I could see the magic coming from the tip of Voldemort’s wand and connecting to my body…I could see all the Death Eaters around me…Voldermort raised his wand…and like a slipping slide I felt myself slide back into my body.

Uh, she’s having an out of body experience due to the Cruciatus Curse?

Author, Rose, anyone—has it ever occurred to you that having your fourteen-year-old bint of a character discover all this stuff makes every other witch or wizard in the world seem incredibly stupid? People study these curses. How come THEY haven’t figured this out yet? If Cruciatus had a vulnerability like this, it wouldn’t be so Unforgivable. However, it DOESN’T. It isn’t all in your head. It’s MAGIC. Magic is magic, no amount of “I think I can’s” will fix that.

“Now untie her, Wormtail, and give her back her wand.”

It was a mistake that I would make sure to let Voldemort rue for a long time to come. My emotions were fully gathered.

…she’s going to teach Voldemort a lesson. She could leave right now, you know. But no, no…she doesn’t want to. No, she wants to reveal to Voldemort just what he’s tangled with. She wants to take this time to SHOW OFF TO VOLDEMORT. You know, that strikes me not as someone determined to beat him in a duel, but to show everyone that there’s a new Dark Lord in town.

And the rest? It’s canon. Completely canon. PLAGIARISM.

*makes to leave, but then pauses and screams*

Chapter 33: Priori Incantatem

Me: I’m sorry, audience. Can’t script this chapter. ANY of it, ‘cept maybe the Priori Incantatem scene, and only because it’s canon. So, the key parts of this chapter are sporked. Sorry.

Wormtail approached me, raised his silver hand, and then with one swipe, cut through the bonds trying me to the gravestone.

The gravestone decided that it didn’t really like her, and admonished the bonds for forcing Rose Potter on it.

There was a split second, perhaps, when I considered merely Teleporting away and leaving Voldemort and his Death Eaters limp and unfulfilled, it was certainly appealing,

And is, in all honesty, the best way to do it. THAT would’ve really pissed him off. Just leave, you idiot—why risk your life?!

Mrs. Hyde: *appears, drawn like a moth to the flame by the potential for ugliness* “Limp and unfulfilled?” *snickers*

Mervin: OUT!!!

but a statement and a point had to made here.

Voldemort really needed a time-out. He’d been very, very bad.

Voldemort said he was all powerful…hah…pathetic…he was nothing compared to the very power of creation in which he himself resided, which he sought to defy.

…dear Lord. I…let’s step back and examine that.

First off, she called Voldemort pathetic. That is highly incorrect—Voldemort is not pathetic. If he was, he’d be like Pettigrew, and he isn’t. Voldemort’s evilly insane. There’s a difference.

Secondly…he just said that Voldemort is nothing compared to herself.

DARK. WITCH.

The Death Eaters closed ranks, forming a tighter circle around me and Voldemort,

Oh—that’s a common error to dear Rose. She ALWAYS lists herself first. While JK does that in her books—you know, “Harry and Ron,” “Harry and Hermione”—this author’s speaking in first person. So, Rose herself is always listing herself first.

The arrogance, anyone?

so that the gaps where the missing Death Eaters should have stood were filled. I raised my head and grinned at Voldemort, waiting.

Folks, this stupid moron does not have enough sense in her head to be afraid of Voldemort. Harry fears Voldemort, and for a good reason—VOLDEMORT CAN AND WILL KILL HIM, IF GIVEN THE CHANCE. But no, no—Rose is just grinning merrily in his face, TRYING to annoy him. It’s pretty well established that, the more you irritate Lord Voldemort, the more sadistic he gets. Lucius and Draco Malfoy, anyone?

Voldemort for his part narrowed his eyes at my apparent humour but did nothing to stop it, probably thinking I was going mad or something.

Voldemort would’ve easily wiped her smirk off of her face. If he was in character. But he’s not, so he’s going to act like an idiot. This will pain me.

Wormtail walked out of the circle to the place where Cedric had disappeared, and returned with my wand, which he thrust roughly in my hand without looking at me.

And if he had dared raise his eyes to her level, she would’ve cursed him immediately, and maybe killed him, for good measure. But no, she’s not going to kill him yet—she hasn’t used him yet. Remember—still claiming that debt. She does say that at one point, you know…“no, can’t kill him, this isn’t a good time to use the debt he owes me. I’ll just use it later.” Sick bastard.

Then Wormtail resumed his place in the circle of watching Death Eaters.

“You have been taught how to duel, Rose Potter?” said Voldemort softly, his red eyes glinting through the darkness.

And now, he’s going to duel with her in the same fashion he did with Harry—something that in and of itself is completely OOC.

Voldemort is, by all standards, a coward. He only does things like that when he assumes he has all bases covered. He wanted to play with Harry because he had the advantage. He was more powerful by far, he was the number one. Here, however, he knows for a fact that Rose is very powerful, and knows that she’s perfectly capable and even WILLING to kill people. He would not do this. It’s not a risk he’s willing to take.

My only answer was to raise my wand at Voldemort in a sideways duelling stance,

Ack!! Movie!Canon!!

my left hand out, ready to channel druidic magic, my mind shifting into as deep a Void as I could muster.

And then Voldemort AK’d her while she was sitting there preparing herself.

I knew I was facing all three Unforgivable curses,

—and she was ready to return in kind—

and it would be a stretch to fight all three, my eyes looked at all the thick marble gravestones around me and it gave me an idea…

Please remember that Dumbledore is an idiot and thinks that the only way to animate objects is with the Imperius Curse.

“Good, Rose,

No—bad Rose.

and now we bow to each other,” said Voldemort, bending a little, but keeping his snake-like face upturned to me.

“You think I would bow to you…” I said almost serenely.

(Rose): You will bow to ME—I, Mistress of all Evil!!

“You have no honor Voldemort; I doubt you know the meaning of the word. You kill in cold blood, skulk in the shadows…”

Voldemort looked at her coldly. “And do you honestly believe I rose to the position I hold now by being nice?”

Well, DUH he kills in cold blood and is dishonorable!! MORON!!!

“Come now the niceties must be observed, Rose…Dumbledore would like you to show manners…bow to death, Rose…” retorted Voldemort his anger coming to the fore.

And stop making Voldemort a tantrumy little four-year-old!!! DAMMIT!!!

The Death Eaters were laughing again. Voldemort’s lipless mouth was smiling suddenly. But I did not bow.

Yeah—and neither did Harry—you’re not special.

I was not going to let Voldemort play with me…I was not going to give him the satisfaction…

She would satisfy him OTHER ways.

No, wait, that’s Cedric’s “privilege.”

“I said, bow,” said Voldemort, raising his wand – and I felt a powerful magic attempt to make my spine curve, I flicked my own wand almost casually,

YOU ARROGANT BITCH.

and the spell broke with a snap.

Rose Potter bows to no one. Absolutely no one, and you’d better remember that.

It confused me how I was able to do this…

Maybe because the author is cheating and writing this how SHE thinks it should have gone? I mean, this is what SHE would have done, unlike that loser Harry.

it just sort of suddenly made sense…magic is magic…your only limits are your own imagination…

In other words, it’s a plot hole, and the author made it up.

Only Snape, Dumbledore, and Voldemort can flick their wands casually in a duel, bitch.

And there are MANY limits on magic. Magic is not McDonald’s, dearie. And I think that “no limits” and “magic is magic” thing are her own approval to use whatever spells, hexes, jinxes, and CURSES she wants. You’ll just see.

“Make me,” I retorted with a smile. Voldemort lost his sickening smile completely, nor were his Death Eaters laughing anymore.

“As you wish,” he sneered, and raised his wand savagely. The magic he used this time wasn’t simple, as before—her spine broke cleanly in half, as she had assumed he would be nice and not fire any big curses until later.

“Very good, Rose, you surprise me,

Yeah—he didn’t expect her to be a miniature copy of himself.

the old man has trained you it seems, that surprises me too, I couldn’t have imagined he would find the heart to use you as his weapon…

…nor could he have imagined that Dumbledore would teach her Dark Magic.

but now we duel…”

Voldemort raised his wand, and cast a Cruciatus that I side-stepped in a blur; it hit a Death Eater behind me who started screaming in pain.

This is no time to show off your dancing skills, bint.

I flicked my wand at Voldemort and produced a Piercing curse

See? Responding in kind to the Dark Magic.

that surprised even me. My wand recoiled with its power, and its rippling white magic shot with blinding speed at Voldemort.

Voldemort easily dispelled it and fired three AKs in rapid succession.

I wanted to conjure Dire Wolves as well but the Death Eaters needed to witness this duel,

Oh, good LORD. What is WRONG with you?! Strictly for show, you’re not going to use your big guns and try and get out of there???!!! And you just made fun of Voldemort for doing the exact same thing??!!

YOU’RE WILLING TO RISK YOUR LIFE, SO LONG AS EVERYONE SEES HOW COOL YOU ARE AND HOW MUCH EVILLER YOU ARE THAN LORD VOLDEMORT???!!

Oh. That makes sense. She’s trying to rally them under a new Dark Lord. Okay. Carry on.

I would only use druidic magic near the end, to maybe help me escape…

But right now she’s going to show off.

I was hardly optimistic about my chances…I knew death would most likely come for me.

First you say you’ll escape, then you say you won’t. And I have no sympathy that “death will most likely come for you,” because YOU’RE THE ONE WHO F*CKING STAYED.

Voldemort was forced to conjure a gleaming silver shield in front of him. And my Piercing curse hit it with a loud gong that echoed through the ears of everyone present.

I love how Voldemort just sits there and lets her do whatever she wants. Isn’t he polite?

In the time that this happened I waved my wand in circle around me and animated and controlled all the thick marble headstones I could sense around me.

While Voldemort just sat there?

They jumped out of the ground and zoomed towards me, knocking a few Death Eaters around the legs and back, causing few to even flip over and scream in pain as a bone or two was broken.

Rose reveled in their pain, cackling madly and making the headstones crush them.

Seven headstones lay animated at my feet.

That’s where she feels everyone belongs, really.

Voldermort

Stop calling him that! You call him that all the time!

Oh, wait—she’s admitting that this isn’t the real Voldemort. It’s his hillbilly brother—no wonder she can run rings around him.

retaliated with the next Unforgivable, the Imperius curse, which I purposefully let hit me.

PURPOSEFULLY? And what PURPOSE did that serve? To show off some more? To let Voldemort know that it doesn’t affect you?

I felt for the third time in my life, the sensation that my mind had been wiped of all thought…ah, it was bliss, not to think,

The author’s desired state of mind, actually.

it was as though I was floating, dreaming…drop your wand…drop your wand…

And he already gives up. Just can’t take it. What a loser.

I will not, said a stronger voice, in the back of my mind. Stupid thing to do…

Drop it…

Bad dog, bad!

I won’t do it…

Just drop it the wand…

“I WON’T!” I screamed, breaking the Imperius curse.

She’s showing all her cards—which, amusingly enough, she won’t show to her FRIENDS!! Sounds like an intimidation tactic to me—appropriate for a bully.

“Red Odiosa!” I thought strongly, waving my wand at Voldemort again.

Voldemort easily saw the spell coming, as she had no Occulmency skills, and he stepped to the side and fired a massive and rapid barrage of curses. Rose panicked and died.

My wand recoiled again, and a yellow beam of light shot towards Voldemort’s face, at this power, it would surely blind him if it hit. But not only I had inhumanly good reflexes it seemed…

(Rose): NO FAIR!!!! *stomps and cries*

Voldemort ducked under the Conjunctivitis curse…and because it aimed so high it went over the heads of the Death Eaters behind Voldemort and hit a tree and it blasted ineffectually against it.

And what is Voldemort doing? NOTHING!!!

Voldemort threw another Cruciatus in return and I simply dodged it again.

Ah, there he goes, doing something that failed already. Boy—you’re smart, Voldie. How on earth did you survive the duel with Dumbledore? There’s my big question…why isn’t he doing any of THOSE moves? Where’s the Voldemort we know and love?

“My turn if that’s how you want to play it…” I quickly flicked my wand at a Death Eater. ‘Imperio!’

Ah. Here we go.

“What?” said Voldemort in surprise.

See? He expected her to be of the same ilk as Dumbledore—nasty shock for the poor bastard to find out that, no, she doesn’t want to defeat him for the sake of it, but that she wants to take over.

He had to turn his attention away from me

…idiot.

though as ‘Avada Kedavra!’ echoed through the air from the Death Eater I knew to be Crabbe, and who I had cast the Imperius curse on.

And she casts the Killing Curse, the worst of them all. But it’s good intent, really! And I’ll bet she was using the emotion of love to fuel it—the love of killing, hurting, and maiming, that is.

Actually, I tend to think that’s the author trying to get around the fact that it’s evil. “Rose didn’t cast it! Crabbe did!”

Stupid tart.

The green light shot from Crabbe straight at Voldemort, who was forced to Apparate away as the speeding rush of green death

Wow! He caught it and painted it green!

passed the spot that he had just occupied. The Death Eaters on the other side of the circle flung themselves to the ground

—and began to worship at the feet of their new Dark Mistress.

as the Killing curse hit a large gravestone in the distance causing it to explode.

Rose pouted—she’d been hoping to see someone die. That was fun, normal, and healthy. She was already planning on carving some more words into people’s heads—probably Ron’s, he was the one she liked torturing the best.

Voldemort reappeared at the spot he had just occupied breathing heavily.

And he jumps right back where he was. Instead of, you know, behind her, where he can hit her in the back. This guy is a moron.

“You’re mortal now, Tom,” I said, releasing Crabbe from my control. “You will die properly now if hit with that…like any of us…happy?”

Ah, but my dear author, I thought Rose was CLEVERER than Harry. Voldemort isn’t “mortal!” Voldemort still has six pieces of soul! Why didn’t you figure that out? Why didn’t you figure out that he’d done something to himself to prevent himself from dying? Why didn’t you KNOW something? It couldn’t be that Rose isn’t cleverer, but that you’re simply cheating, could it?

Voldemort looked up in with narrowed eyes at me and gritted his teeth in anger. “What’s the matter, Tom…can’t take what you dish out?”

(Canon Voldemort): I have taken what I “dish out,” you stupid idiot! I’m angry because the author won’t let me curse you into oblivion and has reduced my dueling skills to the level of a First Year!

(Rose): Well, if you had your normal abilities, you would’ve beaten me, and we can’t have that. NO ONE beats Rose Potter.

I waved my wand and cast a Tempus Jinx at Voldemort, he waved his own wand at oncoming wave of time magic and it started to disappate,

If he was smart, he’d just Apparate behind her and shoot her. Canon Voldie would do that. He would. But this author’s an idiot.

it kept Voldemort busy while I cast another powerful Piercing curse aimed at his heart.

She loves that thing like Voldemort loves AK, man.

He did not have the time to conjure that powerful shield of his, so was forced to dodge it, this meant he had to accept a weakened form of the Tempus Jinx around him,

Voldemort is so pathetic he can’t dispel a JINX?

Good Lord, how stupid have you made him?!

which sped up his perception of time a little. The Piercing curse had in the meantime forced the Death Eaters to duck again as a giant hole the shape of a basketball was cleanly blown through another headstone.

Uh, why didn’t it just completely destroy the headstone?

‘Avada Kedavra!” snarled Voldemort; it seemed he had had enough of our little duel.

So have I, really. This is making me sick.

One of the animated tombstones at my feet suddenly came to life and jumped in front of me, intercepting the Killing curse and marble bits and dust flew everywhere as it exploded.

Rose was peppered with shrapnel and fell in a bloody heap on the ground, and Voldemort promptly AKed her.

Seriously, though—why isn’t Voldemort animating his own headstones and flinging them at her…? Or at least having them around for the same purpose she does, you know—to protect him?

Oh, wait! He’s a stupid wanker! How silly of me.

“How many of those do you have in you, Tom?” I asked laughing. “I doubt even you can cast six Killing curses in the space of a few minutes.”

Voldemort laughed back at her. “I can cast as many as I like, you silly girl—allow me to demonstrate.” And he proceeded to cast ten of them, killing her until she died from it.

I waved my wand and cast a Flame-Thrower Curse at Voldemort, it shot at him and he waved his own wand to freeze it and it crashed to ground in icicles.

Come on, reverse the icicles and send them at her at least! VOLDEMORT, PLEASE DO SOMETHING, STOP SITTING THERE AND TAKING HER SH*T!!!!!!

“Ignipoten!” I thought letting my love for

(Rose): —myself—

Cedric infuse me and waved a Blasting curse at Voldemort.

*at Voldemort* DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

The red curse shot as a wave of magic and Voldemort conjured his shield again.

*sighs* No, not that.

It crashed against the silver shield but this time…visible cracks appeared in it.

I hate her so bad.

I immediately followed with a Hurling Hex and Voldemort deflected it and it crashed into a Death Eater to his left and it flung the dark robed wizard off his feet almost fifteen yards away.

He’s just sitting there, letting her have target practice!!! I can’t take much more of this!!

Voldemort now waved his wand at my feet, and I realised too late that he had just unanimated my headstones.

And why didn’t you do that EARLIER, YOU MEATHEAD???!!!

“Now you die!” screamed Voldemort.

“…now you die?” Oh, for heaven’s sake…author, leave this person alone. You can’t write for sh*t, you’ve warped everyone else OOC, but…but doing this to Voldemort…reducing him…to THIS…it’s a sin.

“Perforo!” I incanted a Piercing curse aloud with all my might and power…knowing that this was it. At the same time, Voldemort cried again, ‘Avada Kedavra!’

Ah—I like how she’s ruined the juxtaposition of Harry using a defensive spell while Voldemort used an offensive curse, and Harry ended up the more powerful. The only reason she’s gonna win the battle of wills this time is because she’s the more evil one.

Folks, the only reason she won the duel is because Voldemort didn’t DO anything. That’s it. I mean…look at that. He did NOTHING. He fired, what, four curses? Most of the time he just sat there, ducking and dodging like the chicken he is. He didn’t do JACK.

And he also told his opponent what curse he was about to fire. “Now you die…” Geez, I hate this author. HATE this author.

Here’s the author’s half-@$$ed explanation as to why she didn’t just teleport—and it’s half-@$$ed because of who’s saying it to her.

“When the connection is broken, we will linger for only moments…but we will give you time…you can’t Teleport away…you must get to the Portkey, it will take you back to Hogwarts, if it’s left behind the Death Eaters will have a means to get directly into Hogwarts…that cannot happen…do you understand, Rosey?”

While that is perfectly reasonable, it fails to explain why Rose didn’t just leave in the first place.

And here’s the last significant change.

I waved my hand and wand, calling upon nature, and a pack of fifteen Spirit Wolves sprang up between me and the Death Eaters. I ordered the Wolves to attack but I was too busy running forwards to pay the results of it more than a moment’s look.

And, finally…we end this chapter. FINALLY. *dies*

Onward!

comments: Poke a delusional shipper

March 17th, 2006

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