The HMS STFU - Family Matters, Chapter Four: Hey, Kid, You Seem Nifty. Go Fuck My Daughter!

The HMS STFU - Family Matters, Chapter Four: Hey, Kid, You Seem Nifty. Go Fuck My Daughter!

View: Recent Entries.

View: Archive.

View: Friends.

View: User Info.

View: Website (JF-less sailor? Suggest a topic here!).

[slackerbitch]

Current Music:	erasure - love to hate you
Subject:	Family Matters, Chapter Four: Hey, Kid, You Seem Nifty. Go Fuck My Daughter!
Time:	05:20 am
Current Mood:	Catty

[Since the chapters are being scattered around by my procrastination, I'm making a post on my journal to collect 'em all link-wise. You can find that here.]

OK. I am a far worse procrastinator than any of you even realize. I mean, I am in general, but this fic adds a whole new level of foot-dragging because I despise it so very, very much. I would probably still be sitting around going "Fuck, I really should do chapter one sometime" if it weren't for the fact that people keep pissing me off.

It may not be true that when a Harmonian wanks, God kills a kitten - as I believe in a kind God that loves kittens more than that - but as sure as fuck, when a Harmonian chaps my ass sideways, I spork another chapter.

This is dedicated to all those anonymice over on

hp_cornfield, and the icon insulting Weasley sweaters, and Vanceone's martyr badge. Bring it, bitches.

In Previous Chapters:

Vernon made Harry's-hand-fricassee

Harry escaped to Muggle London, and is staying with the Grangers

Harry went to both a Muggle hospital and a wizarding one, and talked to Social Services about the ev0l Dursleys

Harry smelled Hermione's hair, and Hermione showed off her cleavage

Weasleys were bashed and Tonks was abused

Hermione's mom looks a lot like her. Did you know that? Because if you didn't, the author will mention it a few more times. Just in case you missed it. Not that it's going to be important *wink wink*.

Let's do this thing.

CHAPTER FOUR

The Grangers get the Social Worker of Idiocy's OK to take Harry on vacation with them - which I'm calling "vacation" and not "holiday" because I'm writing a recap and not a fic, but kinsfire should really learn British slang at some point, thanks - and Hermione insisted on Harry getting a SEXAY! bathing suit. Racing trunks, actually, which aren't so much skimpy as they are clingy as all fuck. "Hey, didn't you all want to know the exact size of my nutsack? I'm sure you did. Here it is!"

It could be worse. I thought at first they were talking about Speedos, and I just ate.

Harry's not too nervous about showing off his goody box, though.

I may never be in a position to take advantage of the fact, but I have learned that I seem to be above the national average, size-wise, based on the boy's locker rooms.

Wow. Harry's been spending a lot of time checking out other boys' dicks. I'm sure it's totally innocent. Just like all those times he and Ron jerked each other off.

I'm going to skip the "blergh, of course Harry is hung like a donkey" and head straight to wondering whether anyone explained to him the whole show-er vs. grow-er distinction. Looking like a superstar when flaccid doesn't necessarily mean you're Ron Jeremy. He can't have a legit comparison unless all the guys are actually hard in the shower for some reason. In which case, I'd say Harry's been getting way more action than just Ron. (Does Ron know?)

So, even though Hermione made him model his ~~package~~ suit already, he doesn't get to see hers until they're on the beach. They're all hanging out in robes - what, the nudists get modesty now? - and Harry calls Mom and Hermione (in identical robes, with awesome legs) over.

Which means it's time for Hermione to act completely IC.

“Mother, I'm swooning. I see a Greek god waiting by our beach gear.” She dramatically put her hand to her head and began to fall toward the sand.

Harry dives and catches her, and I'd hope he didn't burn his knees on the sand or anything, because if it's midday, that shit is hot. She kisses his cheek and coos about his supafly Quidditch reflexes, and he muses on the sheer beauty of her eyes.

It's such a cliché, but her eyes aren't just brown - they're the colour of a deep, rich milk chocolate. And they're beautiful …

Rule #482c of Decent Writing: Apologizing for a cliche doesn't make it less of one.

Mini-rant: "Dark milk chocolate" is one of those things that people (over)use in fics, but doesn't actually describe how anyone's eyes really look. It's lazy writing. I could go on, but I won't, because there is so much more to hate in this chapter.

Such as: in the midst of Hermione unveiling her itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie ~~yellow polka-dot~~ blue bikini, the author steps in to explain how Hermione is so damn curvy, at such a tender age:

Hermione may officially have been fifteen, but given the time she'd spent in her third year using the time turner, she was already physiologically sixteen.

Ah, Harmonian logic. Isn't it great? Thanks for clearing that up, kinsfire. I would have totally thought she was still fifteen, and might have been upset about her having sex in a few hours and getting knocked up two months from now. But if she's fake-sixteen, it is all ok.

So, yes. Hermione is in a tiny bikini with a thong bottom, and Harry is hoping the racing trunks don't show how much he likey. She tells him to come on in, because the water is fine, wink wink, but Harry ruins her fun by explaining that, alas, he can't swim. Hermione gets teary-eyed at this news, because it is heartbreaking when boys can't swim. She's going to start a foundation to make sure that children are taught to swim by the age of eight, dammit! He tells her it's OK, because she can totally check him out while she's swimming, and to complete the effect he goofs and strikes a pose.

BTW, I have no idea whether he really can't swim or if he's just flustered by Nearly!Naked!Hermione, but that's ok, because it's Skeevy Time!

Conversation nearby stopped for a moment, and a wolf whistle pierced the air from close by. "Mum!" Hermione said in a shocked voice.

"He's got such a cute bum, darling!" her mother laughed, laughing even harder as Harry sat down very suddenly.

.... ew. If my mom checked out my SO's bum ... I'd ...

I don't even want to know. Fuck. I'm out of bleach, and I can still make out the typing on my screen. Maybe if I pour some vinegar into my eye sockets, that'll help?

Hermione and her mom go on to joke a bit about "exercise", making very thinly-veiled sex jokes, but Harry is apparently retarded and doesn't get it. No offense to any retarded people out there, who possibly have more of a clue than Harry on an average day. At least that bit is canonical.

So Hermione goes off to swim, leaving her mom alone with Harry, which is stupid, because Hermione's mom is clearly plotting a whole Mrs. Robinson thing, and Mrs. Granger decides to ask, hey! So what do you think of my daughter?

"She's the best friend I've got, although I'll never admit to Ron that I like her a bit more than I like him."

That would be because it's not true.

But no, Hermione's mom wants him to dish. The good, the bad, and the pr0ny. Which is a totally natural question and not at all disturbing.

First, we get sidetracked into how this whole loving family thing is new to him - because we're in Harmonian land, and the Weasleys don't count - and the Dursleys are cruel vicious monsters who are going to hell. Yes, says Mrs. Granger, and you're never going back to them, or I'll kick Dumbledore's ass sideways, even though I've never met him and have no magical ability and thus would probably have to try to hit him with my car. Vroom vroom, mothafucka!

Harry stared at her for a moment. He was used to Molly and her smothering attitude - she was a wonderful woman, but a bit much at times. Here was a woman who'd only known him the short time they'd been on this vacation, and she was threatening to talk to Dumbledore on his behalf.

OK, slackerbitch cannot be reached at this time, as she has just beaten her head against the wall until sweet merciful death came and rescued her. Death got a temp to fill in for a bit. There are some notes left in the blood:

1) How is "I will go and kick his ass for j00" any different from Molly's "smothering"?
2) Molly smothers her kids. She always acts very differently to Harry, because he's a guest, and Ron resents him a bit for it. Understandably.
3) Can anyone here tell me with a straight face that they don't think that Molly Weasley ever stormed into Dumbledore's office and screamed at him for making Harry stay with the Dursleys? Tell me you can't picture her pitching a fit and throwing things.
4) Am I the only one that remembers that Dumbledore has a reason for subjecting Harry to this shit, and that Harry learned that all of a week before this fic fucking started?
5) Mrs. Granger's just doing this so she can bang him later.

Harry is so moved by Mrs. Granger's altruism that he starts to sob, and embraces her. Wow, kind of like the end of GoF, when Mrs. Weasley wrapped her arms around him when he cried? Uh. No. Not like that at all....

It wasn't until he had regained his senses a bit that he was reminded, not for the first time, that Hermione could be mistaken for her mother's younger sister, especially when the swimsuits they wore were so similar. He sat back up quickly. "Thank you for the compliment, dear," she smiled at him.

Upon reading this passage, Susan Sto Helit quit, and I was forced back to the cruel world of the living just to finish this fucking recap. That bitch.

So, Harry just pitched a tent while hugging Hermione's mom, and Hermione's mom thinks this is kawaii!!1 I think I've been taking the wrong approach, dipping my eyes in bleach. Clearly, drinking it would be much more effective.

Harry splutters and apologizes. Just in case we missed the whole ZOMG THEY ARE LIKE SISTERS bit in the above passage and the 400 times before that, Mrs. Granger has to work foreshadowing again:

"You were reminded that my daughter and I can pretend to be sisters? Should I assume that you find her attractive as well?"

Say. Weird idea just occurred to me. You don't think that Hermione and her mom might look alike, do you? Just an thought. No clue where it came from.

Harry begins to rhapsodize on Hermione's beauty, kindness, brilliance, etc. etc. etc. Mrs. Granger busts out the "love" question, because they're all of fifteen, and Harry says he doesn't know, because he's never experienced love, le sigh. His parents are gone, and the Weasleys don't count, and he didn't even figure out until he'd had his hand fried in bacon grease that he had feelings for Hermione. Say, that's a romantic image.

[I]t's too dangerous for her to get too close to me. That's part of it, to be honest. I'd mourn if Ron, or Ginny, or Neville, were killed - it would hurt like hell, but I could move on, even if it was very slowly. I almost died when Hermione …."

Actually, Harry, it seems like that bacon grease kinda fried your neurons. You're having all these weird memory lapses. Lemme see if I can fill some of them in for you:

1) You like Ron better than Hermione, because he's more fun, even though you love* the hell out of her, too, because you know she's usually right. (*IN A PLATONIC WAY. Look it up.)
2) You like the Weasleys. You really do. They're good people.
3) You freaked out when Hermione got zapped in the MoM, because that's what people do when friends die. Like with Sirius, remember? You freaked out when he died. And I doubt you were bonking him, although at this point, not much would surprise me.
4) Hermione hasn't given a shit about her parents for about five years running. In fact, it's entirely possible that this Hermione is actually a pod person who is impersonating the real Hermione, albeit badly, because Hermione refused to go along with Harmony and is thus being kept in a cave in the Alps. Fight the power, Harry! You can do it!

Meanwhile, Hermione's mom wants to know if Harry would want to see Hermione naked, because this wasn't squicky enough yet. He tries to beg off, but she insists, and Harry says, well, I'm almost sixteen, what do YOU think? And then does a 180.

"Part of me wants to say yes, just to see her that way. But honestly, right now, I'd say no. It would distract me from her real beauty." He tapped his chest to emphasize what he meant.

Duh, Harry. You can still see her titties if she's nude.

Hermione's mum sighs a bit, so romantic! and raises the question of, What are your plans? And when Harry brushes the question off, insisting Hermione couldn't possibly love him back, even though she's already shown him her cleavage and checked out his package and is all but rubbing up against his leg and yowling. He doesn't want to risk her friendship by trying for more, because to lose her, that would kill him. And Harry gets sniffly and talks about the prophecy, because he's not supposed to tell anyone, but hey! Rules don't apply to Grangers.

"I'm going to die someday, at the hands of Voldemort. That whole thing that happened … why did you people agree to take me? I almost got your daughter killed! Hermione almost died because I was too fu … damned stupid and full of myself to actually listen to her. Sirius is dead because I wouldn't listen. And it's my fault!" He began to sob. "He's dead because of me. She almost died because of me. You should be throwing me out on the street with the rest of the garbage for almost killing your daughter!"

We'd nearly gone two or three paragraphs without reminding everyone that Hermione's always right, about everything, and without Harry degrading himself. Such a healthy relationship.

He snuggles up against Mrs. Granger, and at this point I think he's just turning on the waterworks to cop a feel, and she refers to him yet again as her "future son-in-law," while explaining that Hermione's injuries weren't his fault, zomg. (Personally, I blame the Weasleys.)

And besides, Hermione loves you! Gasp, no she doesn't, Harry says! Gasp, yes I DO! says none other than Hermione Jane, who has been sitting behind him and eavesdropping for like half an hour without him even noticing. So much for those Quidditch reflexes.

"Harry James Potter, I love you. That's part of why my parents wanted you to come along with us this summer. They wanted to meet the man I told them I hope to marry someday."

Option B: they wanted to bring him along so that maybe, this summer, Hermione would stay home. Seriously, since when did Hermione hang out with her family!?

Harry calls himself worthless, Hermione wants to kill the Dursleys, and Mrs. Granger declares on the spot that she's adopting him, and that's that.

"Um, that might not be a good idea. If she's crazy enough to be in love with me, well, I think you got what I said. I really don't think it would be a good idea to make Hermione sleep with a Quidditch bat in bed with her."

Hermione raised her eyebrows in amusement. "And why would I need one?"

Hmmm. Let's see. Oh! Yes! Because just last chapter, your parents promised Ms. Xiang that nothing untoward would happen if Harry moved in. You remember that, don't you, Hermione? I know everyone's suffering from short-term memory loss, but that was last fucking chapter. You people aren't even trying, are you?

But anyway, Hermione says that she's been listening in for almost all of it, and had to keep herself forcibly from "grab[bing] you and giv[ing] you my virginity right here on the beach." Harry makes some weird throat noises - I know, Harry, it hurts, doesn't it? - and Mrs. Granger cheerfully announces that Hermione and Harry should go back to the hotel and get started on all that fucking, because that is completely fucking normal for the mother of a fifteen-year-old especially considering the two of them have yet to have their first kiss and aren't even going out, and the next Harmonian who calls Ginny a ho for possibly shagging Harry's brains out during their month-long relationship is getting a boot up the ass from me.

But the horror of their unholy coupling is averted for another day, because we have indeed reached:

THE END
(for now)

Next chapter is one long sex scene. In the immortal words of Mr. Creosote, "Better get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up."

comments: Poke a delusional shipper

hoopa

Link:	(Link)
Time:	2006-03-27 11:43 am (UTC)

Please bitch, please.

Ron was his first friend ever. I don't think you get that in your cloud of Harmonian. Ron was the first to ever treat him like an equal, Ron was the first person he ever loved. And I do mean platonically (But I am so not against Harry/Ron), I know it's hard to comprehend but he loves him without wanting to bonk him six ways to Sunday. But he does, Harry loves Ron more then anyone else.

More then Hermione, more then Ginny, more then James and Lily, more then Dumbledore, more then Sirius, more then Hermione's mother and her hot bathing suit.

Nothing will change that. In all respect, Harry loves Hermione. Almost as much as Ron, but he's loved Ron longer and he loves BEING with Ron more. But he does love Hermione because she has always been there and she cares and she mothers him. Harry also loves Ginny, because she gives him happiness and kisses and butterflies. He loves the Weasley's because they are his family. He doesn't know, nor does he care much, for the Granger's.

AND. DON'T. FORGET. IT.

*Ahem* Clean up in aisle two!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

esclaramonde

Link:	(Link)
Time:	2006-03-27 02:06 pm (UTC)

I hope you realize that "The people at the STFU think that Ron is more important that Dumbledore to Harry, zomg," is going to be the next big thing for the Harmonians.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

(no subject) - (Anonymous)

March 27th, 2006

Comments: