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The HMS STFU - Caina isn't all that bad, really....
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| | Subject: | Caina isn't all that bad, really.... | | Time: | 11:37 pm |
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| We open in a white room, where our two heroes: Jebediah, the black-bearded, somewhat stout thief with the worst luck in the world and Private Grugyovitch, a half-giant soldier under Arac's command have been gathered with a story.
Their mission: To prove that Caina can write well when she wants to.
Grugyovitch: It was beink this or latrine duty. And I have been hearink stories about latrines.
Jebediah: ...I hate public service sentences. *whimpers* Well, let's get on with it.
*Jebediah picks up the story*
Jebediah: "Leave the Lights On" by Caina Q. Fuller. "Ron comes back to his dorm after a shower to find a pleasant surprise waiting for him : A horny Luna Lovegood"
Grugyovitch: I am clearly not hearink that right.
*Jebediah charges the door and pounds on it. "Let me out! I'll do anything else! The museum exhibit, the zoo monkey house, ANYTHING!!!!!!
Grugyovitch: Sit down, it will not be beink that bad...
*No release is forthcoming, and Jebediah breaks down whimpering.*
Grugyovitch: Come, sit. Let us be gettink this over with.
*Jebediah whimpers and heads over to Grugyovitch.*
Mysterious voice: Ron Weasley stood in the middle of his dorm room, fresh from the shower and wearing nothing but a towel, his mouth agape. Muggle music was playing from an unseen source. Some woman he’d never heard of before sang of leaving the lights on while she and her man did something...
Jebediah: Gyah! Who said that?
Grugyovitch: It is beink silly question, but how would Luna be knowink about muggle music?
Quartermaster Perkins: Heh. I've been given the duty of running this experiment.. Don't worry, it's only to the breaking point. It's to test this author as a weapon. Now, get to praising her.
Grugyovitch: We are to be doink WHAT? PRAISINK CRAZY WOMAN?
*Grug growls and calms himself.*
Grugyovitch: Alright, I will be tryink.
Perkins: Yep. I love this job. *chuckles*
But what had his mouth open was the nearly naked girl sitting on his bed.
“Luna!” he said, looking around to see if the door was open. “What are you doing in here?”
Jebediah: ...I know how he feels... Er... which means that she wrote his situation well?
Grugyovitch: This is clearly beink good use of surprise in writinks of crazy wo-- er-- author.
“I’ve come for you,” she said airily. She smiled, exposing brilliantly white teeth. She’d painted her face, admittedly exquisitely well, with makeup that perfectly accentuated her smooth skin. He’d never dreamed it would be possible for her to look so beautiful.
Grugyovitch: Yes author is showink firm grasp of... beauty... tips... *unclenches teeth*
Jebediah: *weakly* ...Well, Luna is perfect. Just perfect... *mutters something about "Oh God get me away from that Mary Sue"*
But he didn’t want her to be beautiful in his dorm, on his bed.
Jebediah: ...I agree! I agree completely with the story! I don't want her in his dorm, on his bed!! *whimpers*
Grugyovitch: *shakes with suppressed rage* Yes - I - am - agreeink - as - well.
“Uhm...” he said, at a loss as to what to do or say. Someone could walk in at any moment and catch her there. He could only imagine the teasing he’d suffer
Grugyovitch: She is knowink Ron's character quite well...
Jebediah: ...The author writes suffering extremely well. I can practically feel it. *looks around in a shifty-eyed panic for some sort of security blanket of teddy bear as he rapidly regresses. Ends up grabbing Grugyovitch.*
Grugyovitch: *removes Jebediah with one large hand*
if the other students at the school found out that a practically naked Luna Lovegood had accosted him in his dorm room. “Luna, what are you doing here?” he repeated.
“I told you silly!” she giggled prettily. “Hear the song Ron? ‘Come towards me dear...there’s something you need to hear...’” she sang in an airy and surprisingly sweet voice.
Jebediah: ...Well, at least she... knows to... keep that quote short?
Grugyovitch: Yes... this is beink... good... romance...
Grugyovitch: I am feelink... how you say... light hearted...
He found it oddly seductive. He also found himself walking toward her, intending to pull her off the bed and wrap her in one of his spare robes, and escort her to the door, but that isn’t what happened.
Jebediah: GYAAH!!!!!!
Grugyovitch: *develops an eyetic* Of... course... not... it is beink perfect love... right?
*Jebediah tries to hide under Grugyovitch's chair. There's not quite enough room, but he tries. Grugyovitch's chair shakes, nearly tilting him off*
“Luna, you can’t be in here. We could get expelled if someone blabs that they’d seen you in here.”
“I’ve decided that I want you Ron.”
Jebediah: *finally manages to get his arse under the chair, causing his head to pop out between Grug's legs. Stares about blankly in the glare of the bright lights* ...Er.... She... understands the psychology of scary psycho bitches wonderfully?
Grugyovitch: Ah, yes... author is showink Luna's blunt side... very... good... characterisation...
“Luna, you don’t just decide-Oy!”
Luna ran her soft, warm, hand up his thigh, nearly touching his privates. He jumped back like she’d shocked him, which in reality she had, and gulped. He felt as if his skin were crawling over his body, but not from disgust. He felt like his body were vibrating, which he couldn’t understand. Luna usually annoyed the hell out of him, and he had it bad for Hermione Granger.
Grugyovitch: *grabs something and suqeezes it to let out his rage* YES. AUTHOR. IS. VERY. PERCEPTIVE. OF. RON.
Jebediah: *is breaking down rapidly* Oh, GOD! LET IT END! PLEASE LET IT END!!!!!!!!!
Perkins: Not quite managing the praise there. Let's continue:
So why did Loony Luna have such a powerful affect on him with a single touch?
Because you’re a sixteen year old boy, Ron thought to himself. Any girl could touch you and you’d feel the same way.
Jebediah: *grabs Grugyovitch* Please say it's short! Oh, god, let it be short!
Grugyovitch: *calms down* Actually, she is havink point. Except... not any girl. Why, I have been seeink girls that could be makink you run for hills.
“Luna!”
“Come here Ron.” She held her hand out to him, an amused grin on her face. “Come.”
“No, I’m not coming to you. I know what you want me to do.”
Grugyovitch: Yes... you... are... knowink... Ron...
Jebediah: ...She's stopping it before we can suffer further! She is a merciful goddess, knowing when to release her poor subjects! We can wallow in her mercy ever more!!!!!
She sighed, as if dealing with an obstinate child who refused to eat his vegetables. She crossed her legs, and the gauzy shift that he could see nearly all the way through fell away. She pulled off the shift.
Jebediah: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grugyovitch: Very... good... sensual... scene...
Exposing her entirely naked body, which was deliciously curvy.
Grugyovitch: THAT IS BEINK IT.
He couldn’t pull his eyes away.
He couldn’t breathe.
Grugyovitch: I WILL BE KILLINK EVERYTHING.
He couldn’t think.
Grugyovitch: I AM KNOWINK HOW YOU ARE FEELINK COMRADE RON!
*Jebediah begins pounding his head against the wall - well, actually, Grugyovitch. He's not thinking very straight just now.*
All he could do...
...was feel a pleasantly hot rush of something settle in his stomach...
...which in turn spread into his dick...
...which became rock hard...
...which in turn made his loosely wrapped towel come right off...
Luna smiled. “Ah...there you are...”
Grugyovitch: *storms over to the door and gets ready to give it a mighty kick*
Grugyovitch: I CANNOT BE TAKNINK ANY MORE!
Perkins: Er... Hold on... *whispers to someone* "They said this room was secure from half-giants, right? He can't get to me?"
Perkins: ...WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU THINK?
Grugyovitch: *gives the door a kick. The door caves in. Jebediah runs out.*
Grugyovitch: *releases a mighty roar of rage and storms off to find Perkins*
Perkins: Stay away.. I have more of this weapons-grade fiction, and I'm not afraid to use it!
Perkins Um... What does she mean by that? Ron thought, feeling at once embarrassed and pleased that she was eyeing his erection with as much enthusiasm as a kid would eye a lollypop in a candy store window. He suddenly didn’t care what Luna’s crazy statements meant.
Jebediah: *to Grug* Blooblefnibble!
Grugyovitch: *charges Perkins and grabs at his throat*
Perkins: I...have...a...sex...scene...and...swear...I'll...quote...it...
Grugyovitch: If you are sayink another word I will be usink your face to kill author! Are you understandink me?
Private Bittifiddle, Perkins' assistant: ...I'll just go warn the infirmary they'll be having a delivery soon...
*Perkins nods as best he may.*
Grugyovitch: GOOD.
Perkins: *croaks out* ...You can't take an April Fools' Joke?
Jebediah: ...KILL!!!!!
*People in the latrines scatter as Perkins arrives through the roof*
Credits: Grugyovitch: ![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif) gabrielmobius. Jebediah and Perkins: farmercuerden Story of Horror: Caina. | comments: Poke a delusional shipper     |
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Was that...supposed to be....sexy?
I don't ever want to hear a penis described as a lollipop.
EVER. AGAIN.
Nice sporking, btw. :) Congrats to both of ya--you're always funny.
(and yes, I'm going to be saving these for your section on the Hammer.) | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| A grown woman writes pr0n and refers to the male protagonist's genitalia as "his privates"?????
She is possibly...one of the worst writers online. Bloody hell, the pr0n was BORING. She fails at life. Again.
Also...Luna has Muggle music? FFS | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| “Come here Ron.” She held her hand out to him, an amused grin on her face. “Come.”
No, Luna! What do you think I kept those photographs of Fleur in the shower that I bought off Terry Boot for? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Subject: | Errr.... | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-04-02 09:41 am (UTC) |
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| Quite horrible, yes.
I never could understand what makes people write fanfiction, anyway. Can't they just write something of their own, instead of using other people's characters and settings.
-AnnoDomini | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| That is not Luna. That is not Luna. That is not Luna.
*whimpers.*
Bad Caina. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Ow. My brain.
Thanks to you, I have been torturing my friends in an MSN chat with excerpts from this atrocity because I had to share my pain. They are not pleased.
That sporking was a thing of glory, though. I love those characters you have spork the fics. Hee! | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Haha, I BLAME JARLSHEIM FOR THE CHARACTERS' WEIRDNESS. I was originally going to torment use Gilean, but Grug brings the pain better. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Subject: | Liked it | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-04-03 10:23 pm (UTC) |
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| First off, I don't ship H/Hr.
I do visit the Fan Fic Archive that Caina owns.
I'm not Caina, which is what I'm sure people are going to assume. You may still think so, but I am not her, but I talk to her regularly. I know her very well. She's a good person.
Caina isn't as bad a writer as you make her out to be. You people hate her for her views and her site, and everything that went down a few months ago, and so you are incapable of treating her or her work fairly. I don't agree with what a lot of she said and did, but I do understand that her actions were motivated because everything she firmly believed to be true turned out to be wrong. That happened to her and a lot of people. If it happened to you, I'm sure you'd want understanding for angry outbursts. Her love of this story was as deep or deeper as the love that many others feel for it, and she was shatterd. She acted out of anger and hurt, and she has mellowed out a lot since. She's not nearly as annoying as Vanceone, but you guys treat her like she has the plague or something. Look at the Silverwhisps forums to see how far she has come since the release of the last book. You never give credit for that.
She writes some good stories. Granted she isn't perfect but she's not the worst writer out there as you guys make her out to be. There is room for her to improve her writing, but you won't give her a fair chance. You never have anything positive to say about her work. You make fun of her writing just because you hate her but you try to pass it off like you're being noble and fairly examining her work. You slam it automatically. If it has her name on it you have nothing but insults for it, no matter how good the story is. She writes under other names sometimes. I'd bet my last dollar that if you read something from her that was written under another name, it would get good/fair reviews from you.
I've talked to her and I can tell by what has been written here that you're completely missing the point behind her stories. She ships Ron and Luna because she likes them and thinks they're suited, not because Ron is a threat to H/Hr. Even after Harmony was sunk, she still ships R/L just because she loves it. As to the fight that was mentioned in Surreal, that wasn't about lust at all. It was about Ron having a broken heart over the girl he loves choosing someone else. One thing you can say about Caina's writing is that she's doesn't deny R/Hr or H/G in her stories. She's not a Harmonian that does that. She gives them a nod practically every time. That means she's NOT in canon denial. She just ships something else.
Also, how many pwp stories have you read and sporked that involve R/Hr or H/G? There is no great build up to a short piece like this. That's why it is short. This story you're making fun of and wrongly putting down is just a light piece of fluff. It's not meant to be treated as if it should have spent ten chapters buidling up R/L before the big moment. You forget to mention that in the books, it was very easy for another girl to turn Ron's head from Hermione (even Madam Rosmerta is capable of doing that). So Luna did it in this story. Big deal.
You people are unfair to Caina. Plain and simple. The same things you people say about her can be said about you too. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
das_mervin | | Subject: | Re: Liked it | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-04-04 03:58 am (UTC) |
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| Well, I think we do understand the point of her stories. We know she likes shipping the two, we understand that. We just think that this isn't a very GOOD way of shipping the two--we're a canon defense squad, and we believe even fanon ships should be IC. We just don't think this is.
And please keep in mind that (and I believe this is so, it at least is true with me), when we critique fic, we aren't attacking the author. I'm sure Caina is very nice--we just don't like her fiction. We don't find it well written, and, just as you are allowed to go and review her stories of how much you like them, we are free to say here how much we do NOT like them.
Our days of animosity towards Caina as a person are over, I believe. When we were a fledgling ship, we of course had bad moments. I'm pretty sure we are leveling out. We don't hate Caina. We just critique her fic in the same fashion Deleterians critique Mary Sues. People like those stories, too--but the Deleterians don't, so they say so in that specific journal.
But thanks for stopping by--we like hearing the opinions of others, especially when they are not rude
And we did give credit to her--just most of the posts were locked. Anons can't see those. We're very happy she's recovered and isn't quite as zealous, which is why we only spork fic--not her.
I hope this has cleared a few things up. And no, you don't have to believe a word of it. All I ask is that you don't turn this thread into some kind of wankfest--carry on a polite argument if people come and start replying to you. If it turns into an insult contest, I'll freeze it.
Again--thanks for stopping by. Feel free to do so any time you like. Just stay polite and don't act like vanceone (and no, I didn't ban him because he was a Harmoanian, or merely because he showed up but didn't do anything wrong. I banned him because he was a jerk and failed to listen to my warnings, especially the last one--which was if you stir my community up one more time, I'll ban you, I don't care how small the infraction is). We like having H/Hr shippers here. Gives us fresh opinions about other ships. :)
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das_mervin | | Subject: | Re: Liked it | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-04-04 04:02 am (UTC) |
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| Oh, and just a note about the above post....
If any of that--ONE WORD OF IT--sounded rude or insulting or all defensive and "In-your-face," please accept my sincerest apologies. It isn't meant to be--it's just that Hyde isn't here, and she always is there to beta me and make sure I don't say anything that could be construed as offensive.
So, again--if it's rude, I'm really sorry. I actually appreciate you coming here. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| 1. Why would Luna have Muggle music and how is she playing it in Hogwarts, where electronic devices don't work?
2. Is this story narrated by Mary Kay, or what? Since when does makeup transform a dotty-looking fruitloop into a drop-dead gorgeous siren?
3. Since when is Luna aggressive in any way?
4. No means no when guys say it too.
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| | I don't know. But I'm really getting tired of her "deep down, rape victims want it" attitude. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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The HMS STFU - Caina isn't all that bad, really....
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