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The HMS STFU - Family Matters, Chapter Five: April Is For Lovers, And Today Is For Harmony
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| | Current Music: | the Kingdom Hearts soundtrack. damn, I need KH2. | | Subject: | Family Matters, Chapter Five: April Is For Lovers, And Today Is For Harmony | | Time: | 11:39 pm |
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| [Since the chapters are being scattered around by my procrastination, I'm making a post on my journal to collect 'em all link-wise. You can find that here.]
So, in honor of the date, I was going to try to do the whole sporking in the tone of a ZOMG CONVERTED HARMONIAN!!!!1, but nausea got the better of me.
The thing is, this chapter really is just one long porny sex scene, with absolutely no relation to reality or actual teenagers or canon or characterizations. Harry and Hermione have some disturbing conversation, decide that they're engaged, he licks her snoo-snoo place, and then they do the nasty. That's it. Seriously. That's the whole chapter.
There aren't a whole lot of ways to recap "Then, he licks her asshole." [Note: he doesn't, really, but I'd give kinsfire serious kink points if he did.] I mean, that's pretty much it. Tongue, asshole, lick.
So what with it being April Fool's and all, I'm just tossing sanity right out the window. If kinsfire doesn't have to respect JKR's canon, I can rape his, right?
Previously, on Family Matters, not that it matters, as the plot has gone on hiatus:
- Dursleys abuse Harry
- Harry bails on Dursleys
- Grangers rescue Harry
- Harry moves in with Grangers
- Mrs. Granger LOOKS LIKE HERMIONE'S OLDER SISTER [hint hint hint]
- Harry has a long tearful convo with Mrs. Granger which gives him a woody
- Hermione eavesdrops, confesses her woobie love, and announces that they should go back to the hotel and fuck
- Mrs. Granger thinks this is an awesome idea, LOLZ!!!
... no, really. All of that happened. But from here on out, anything goes.
Blockquotes are still actual real word-for-word quotes. Everything else - well. Let's just say I'm paraphrasing.
CHAPTER FIVE
Harry and Hermione fight off the dangerous Squid People of the outlying beach area with their photon laser guns and find their way back to the hotel room, using a map, some spaghetti sauce, and Oil of Olay. Hermione was grazed by a few Tentacle Beams, so she performs the ancient alien healing rite of D'anai Tiksay, or, Taking One's Bikini Top Off. Problem solved!
"You'll need to get used to this, Harry. My family is clothing optional. If you're going to be living with us, you'll see me, Mom, and Dad in the nude occasionally. We've tended to stay dressed for you."
When the Grangers host dinner parties, do they write that on the invitations? "Clothing optional"? And if so, does that mean that showing up in lingerie actually counts as being overdressed?
“Besides, back in the hospital, you wanted to peel me out of my top so that you could gaze longingly at my perfect breasts, I think you said?”
“I verbalized that?” he asked, going white again.
“No, but I read lips, and you mouthed it."
Hermione's mother used to be a deaf-mute, but Hermione cured her at age four by turning the 47th digit of pi into an artificial hearing device. Harry, on the other hand, is still suffering the effects of his recent lobotomy.
Harry sighs and announces that staying in the Granger house is going to be hellish for him.
"Not only am I in love with you but …" He motioned at her body, and all he could do was finally motion in an hourglass manner.
That's right. He is, in fact, allergic to time-turners.
"I want to make love to you, Hermione. I want to caress your body with my oafish hands. I want to pretend I'm a baby at those sexy nipples of yours, and someday I want to get practice at planting a baby between your absolutely magnificent legs."
Petunia always let him play "Suck the Nipple and Rub the Wet Thing" when he was a toddler, and he's missed it ever since she stopped.
The "planting a baby" comment is so horrific that I can't even take it somewhere funny.
Harry begins rambling about how he wants to lick her up and down, 'till she says STOP!, and says she's even hotter than Fleur or Cho, although possibly only tied with their love-child, Ms. Carla Xiang.
Yes, they are attractive, but as I told your mother out on the beach, your real beauty is in here,” he replied, tapping his chest.
Her real beauty is a rare and exquisite jewel found only in the mines of Madagascar, which he has been hiding in his rib cage for safe-keeping.
"I don't care what the rest of the world says. The woman I love is a living goddess."
As opposed to a dead goddess, because dead goddesses are a pain in the ass. They just stink up the room, and then the police start asking nosy questions, like "Why are all these bodies in your living room?" and "Hey, what are you doing with that axe?" and next thing you know, you've made shish-kebabs out of the Mayor. Mmmm. Mayor-kebabs.
"I refuse to hide my feelings from you anymore. I love you, Hermione Pot … Granger.”
He caught himself just in time before calling her a pothead. Look, she just tokes recreationally. She can give it up any time.
She smiled, walked over to him and sat on his lap in the chair, pressing his erection between them.
Presumably his spare. Because of their time in Mongolia, Harry actually has a detachable penis, so he's been collecting varieties to swap out.
The kiss finally broke, and she gently rested her chin on his shoulder and whispered, "Harry, all you ask is yours. All that is mine to give is yours. You need but ask. But I insist that you ask."
Red rover, red rover, let Captain Slappy come on over!
"What will your parents say about it? As much as I want to make love to you; to feel you ... well, I don't even really know what it is I'm asking ... as much as I want that, I will not abuse their trust."
Don't worry, Harry, Hermione says. You can always double-team me and Mom. That should make everything okay.
"This is the Harry that my parents already love."
Having known him for a whole week by now.
"I'm on a Muggle oral contraceptive, and have been for a while."
What, since she was fourteen? That's insane, why would -- oh, wait, that'd be during the Krum era. Sorry, I get it now. Let's continue!
"I've have been planning to give my virginity to the man of my dreams for a while now."
But with Lockhart insane and Krum back in Bulgaria, looks like it's up to you, Harry!
"Situations did not allow me to jump him at the school as I had hoped might be the case, but we had every intention of bringing him on this trip." She smiled. "My mother was quite well aware of what she was suggesting when she sent us here, Harry."
"Ah, what a lovely day at the beach. I brought suntan lotion, I have a trashy romance novel, and I sent my not-even-legal daughter back to the hotel to play hide-the-salami with that emo kid, what's-his-face, so I have the beach towel all to myself. Life is good!"
So now, she explains that she's only going to bonk her future husband.
"Are you proposing to me, Hermione?" he asked, his mouth open wide.
Yet another Schooner of Lust runs to ground on the Island of Commitment, as Harry panics and tries to find a way out of this. Hey, listen, baby, he's a playa, you know? You can't just tie him down. He's got hoes in different area codes. Don't be a hata!
"We still have two years to go before we're free of school, but I wish to stake my claim to you here and now. Will you marry me, Harry Potter?"
As a little girl, Hermione always dreamed of how she would become engaged. On the Eiffel Tower, on Valentine's Day? Would he surprise her at a restaurant by dropping to one knee? Would she rent an airplane to stream a message across the sky - "I LOVE YOU, BE MINE FOREVER?"
None of it could have compared to the exquisite delight of sitting topless on a fifteen-year-old boy's lap, ten minutes after she had kissed him for the first time, while her mother was waiting back at the beach knowing full well that they were getting naked together. How romantic!!! She couldn't wait until she told her daughters. Why, in fifteen years, maybe they'd be giving their first proposal!!!
Of course, Scarhead says yes.
"I love you with every fibre of my being, and can not imagine life without you."
He eats a lot of Cracklin' Oat Bran, so he knows from fiber. Why, this one time, he was stopped up for three or four days, and -- oh! Sorry. Mood-killer.
Of course, he resorts back to teenage boy mode five minutes later:
"You have an absolutely perfect ass, Hermione."
Such a poet.
He pulls down her bikini bottoms and smooches her poonani. Hermione says they should go back to her room if they're going to exchange protein strings, and I'm suddenly wondering where they hell they are if not in her room. The fucking hallway? The living room? Poonani-smoochin' should not go on in semi-public areas, kiddies.
The text gives us the "* * *" of "time gap here" but it's a tease. We're going straight to the shtupping.
Hermione yanks off his trunks and his dick hits her right in the eye. No, really.* I could almost forgive the fic some of its more WTF moments for that priceless bit right there, but then she ruins it by slurping for a bit and calling him "my lord." Ewwwwwwwwww.
*Fuckity. I double-checked this and I fucked it up. When his dick goes SPROING! it actually bounces off her chin, not her eye. So much for my attention to detail I R SMRT! Sorry, folks. Also, kinsfire no longer has any cool points with me.
Apparently it puts Harry off his stride, too, because he reaches down and plays tonsil hockey for a bit and squeezes at her boobs instead of, y'know, letting the girl suck you off. Hello, dumbass.
He tentatively put his hand on her breast, and she broke the kiss. He started to remove his hand, but she captured it and pressed it more firmly to her breast. "You can be firm, Harry. I'll tell you if you hurt me."
Since they want to play Mistress of Pain later, they decide their safe word is "exigent." Unfortunately, in a moment of terror, Harry blanks out on the safe word and yells, "Expedia!" Hermione, believing him to be cheating on her with an online travel site, chokes him even harder, and he passes right out. [/all of this is totally BS]
He stares at her in awe - NAKED GIRL! - and huggles her.
"Will you teach me to give you pleasure, Hermione?"
At this point, I would safeword-out of the scene and go find a man with actual, real balls, as Harry's seem to have shriveled up and moved into his spleen. They refuse to come back out. The spleen actually has some of the body's nicest real estate, and the beachfront house they have is rent-controlled.
She pulls him up on the bed and they're going to get to the muff diving, but first Harry spends a couple of paragraphs sucking at the nipples like he said earlier that he wanted to, and Hermione has a fucking orgasm.
"Wow," she breathed. "I've never come from playing with my nipples before!"
Now would be a good time to remind everyone that the author is, indeed, male. Oh, wait, I think we just did. Apparently, Hermione wanted to get the faking started early, to keep his confidence level up.
Somehow, this leads into her discussing how nice it will be to Share Her Life with him.
"I want to wake up next to you, Harry. I want to sit in a drawing room with you, doing nothing but reading while you smile at me and read your paper. I want to argue with you so that we can have fun making up."
Kinsfire! You traitor! HAPPY COUPLES DO NOT FIGHT. Harry and Hermione do not fight. Only skanky, low, stupid and abusive people like the Weasleys fight with their spouses. You cheap lying VOMITer SLUT!
I'm so hurt. I don't think I can go on. My worldview has been shattered. I need to play some Fallout Boy and cut myself. Maybe write some shitty poetry:
u said that
ppl dint fight if
they loved each other
but u lied
i bet u r a h0r
liar
I think I'll title it, "Disillusionment: Despair, My Pain, My Razor."
Speaking of razors, turns out Hermione's clam has no beard. She mentions bikinis, which doesn't explain why she didn't leave a happy little landing strip like all those emaciated chicks in porno movies.
Harry proceeds to eat out at the Y - rimshot! - and instead of going for, y'know, THE CLITORIS, like a sane person, or sitting there poking at things going "What is all this anyway?" like your average teenage boy faced with his first coochie-snorcher, he decides to tongue-fuck her. Which is all well and good, until he starts pounding her G-spot with his tongue.
Somewhere around here is supposed to be someplace that will drive her crazy if I … She bucked upwards as he found a small nub. Aha!
I know, "nub" makes it sound like he's going for the clit, but I assure you, his tongue is firmly entranched in GrangerLand.
Apparently, Harry is Gene fucking Simmons.
Hermione, glad to be meeting the God of Thunder up close and personally, shoves his face in it and rides the prehensile tongue to a whopper of an orgasm. He detaches when he can't breathe - ahahahahahahaha, yeah right, not with the Thighs of Almost-There-Ness clamped around his ears, he doesn't. Lick towards the light, Harry!
Hermione zonks out, hard, and then resurfaces to see Harry grinning.
"Two things. First - who taught you how to do that? Second - why are you grinning so widely?"
"Well, Hermione, since you asked ... Uncle Vernon showed me, because he didn't want to have to go down on Aunt Petunia during her period, and I'm a pretty quick learner. I mean, when you're french-kissing Aunt Flo, you learn how to get someone off quick. And I'm grinning because I bet Ron $20 that you're a moaner and not a screamer. Win!"
Actually, Harry's just happy that he did something right. And Hermione squees.
"Oh, the fan club is going to be so jealous. He's all mine, and he's got a tongue to turn a woman into his sex slave!"
Holy shit, he is Gene Simmons! Gene! Gene, put me in your photo album!
He blinked. "Sex slave? Fan club?" he finally squeaked.
It's called the KISS Army, Gene. Hermione's a hardcore fan. She does the Ace Frehley face paint like a pro.
Sure, she says. You have a fan club, which I would totally be a member of since we left canon bloodied and gang-raped by the side of the road twelve miles ago anyway. And I want to be your sex slave, Mr. Simmons.
Well then, Gene asks, can we bump uglies?
She looked at him, and he realized that he was going to have to say it. "I want to be inside you, Hermione. I want us to be one. Please."
Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Hermione wants to ride him like a cowgirl, so she climbs on top and informs him that the throbbing he feels is her heartbeat, le sigh, which is a far more romantic explanation than "I got some mad Kegel skills."
When the kiss broke, she whispered, "You kiss wonderfully, no matter which pair of lips."
She paused and licked her lips, musing. "Did you have tuna salad for lunch? Yum!"
OH YEAH, I WENT THERE, BITCHES.
Hermione then wriggles around until his "erection" is against her "opening," because she's got an art show that starts next week, and not because the auther can't find real terms that'll describe body parts without breaking the mooooood.
She began to slide back down his body, making the both of them shiver from the delicious sensations flowing through them both. "Oh my God, it's even better than when I use a vibrator," she gasped.
Sure, the Grangers give one another sex toys for Christmas gifts. Hermione got her dildo when she was eight or so. Didn't know what it was for back then, so she just put a doll dress on it and painted a mustache on its face and called it Senor Floogmyer.
He wants to stop if he's hurting her, baby, and she's all Duh, I'm fine, and keeps bonking away. Oooh, he's so big, she purrs - hey, good to know Gene's penaynay keeps pace with his tongue - but she can take it all. (Anyone else thinking about that dirty joke with the mouse and the elephant? Just me?)
"Oh my god I love you, Hermione," he gasped. It sounded almost like a sob, and she could see the tears in his eyes. "What did I do to deserve you?"
Then, he blew his load, because it had been thirty seconds, and what do you expect from a first-timer, anyway?
Luckily, Hermione fakes it again anyway. Isn't that what love is all about? Friendship, toast, tea cups, Senor Floogmyer, Gene Simmons, and sharing your boyfriend with your mom?
I'm glowing all over just thinking about it. And just in time, because as you've probably guessed, we have indeed reached
THE END
(for now)
Except for this week's edition of Fun with Footnotes! Here's an actual, real quote from kinsfire:
Ah, I see I need to make it a little clearer. I'm not stating that she's the most beautiful witch in the world. I'm saying that, in Harry's eyes, she is the smartest, sexiest and most beautiful witch in the world. important difference there.
Ooooooh, I get it! He's saying that, in a first-person limited perspective piece, the protagonist is an unreliable narrator. If he fell in love with a girl, she would of course suddenly be portrayed in the work as the smartest, prettiest, funniest being on the face of the Earth. This wouldn't be a sign of Mary Sue-ism, but rather a reflection of the fact that love gives you big pink rose-tinted glasses.
Damn, that sounds so familiar! Where the fuck have I heard that before? I guess it'll come to me sooner or later. | comments: Poke a delusional shipper     |
| Why did I read this, why?
*cries tears of pain, goes back to watching new Doctor Who trailer* | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | It's like a train wreck. You can't look away. At least, that's what I tell my bloodied eye sockets, when I apologize to them. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| *wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze*
I can't breathe....I can't...stop...LAUGHING!!!!
*falls over*
*dies, leaving you all new awards--this is the funniest stuff I've ever seen* | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Hahahaha, thanks! Can one of the awards be, "Most Gratuitous Reference to a 70s Glam Rock Band During a Sex Scene"? I figure that's legit, as there can't be much competition on that one. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| I swear to you, I was laughing like I had gone insane the whole time. But I have to ask:
Hermione yanks off his trunks and his dick hits her right in the eye.
Really?
P.S. What dirty joke with the mouse and the elephant? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Ah, shit. I just went to verify the quote and it actually just smacks off her chin. (It was stuck on his briefs, so when it pops free, it goes SPROING! and thwaps her right in the face.) Feh. I'll go edit.
The joke:
One day, a mouse is walking through the jungle when he sees an elephant moaning in pain.
"What's wrong?" the mouse asks.
"I have this awful thorn in my foot," says the elephant. "Please, can you help me take it out?"
The mouse thinks a minute and then says, "Well, OK, but you gotta do something for me, then."
"Anything," says the elephant.
"You have to let me fuck you."
"Okay, fine," says the elephant.
So the mouse takes the thorn out, much to the elephant's relief, and then climbs up the elephant's legs and scurries around to the back so it can start pumping away.
The elephant, not really paying attention to the mouse, starts nudging around branches looking for a snack. A coconut comes loose, and THONK! Hits the elephant right on the head.
The elephant jumps straight up in the air and screams, "OW!"
And then the mouse yells, "That's right, bitch, you're taking it ALL!" | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | OMG... I said I was looking out for that scene... but... There are no word. I started laughing at the 'coming from nipple suckling alone' and didn't stop after that. You my dear, are the sporkage queen. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| There's more sex a-comin, as scary as that is. The comasex in particular is going to be ... uh ... I feel the need to change my name abruptly and move to Guatemala. NO HABLA INGLES!
And thanks! :D I don't think I'm the queen, but I might be the most random, as I'm severely ADD when doing these. "Hey, a shiny object! Then someone died. But not because of the shiny object. ... Probably." | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Best sporking EVER.
As for the fic... why do I get the impression that the author is a virgin? *scratches head* | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Yeah, I know. *shudder*
In a perverse way, I really would like to know where this guy is coming from. Is he really a 40-something virgin? Is he a convicted child molester? Where the hell is he getting this stuff from? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Wow, your icon perfectly sums up my feelings toward this fic! That's amazing!
I'm still trying to figure out how a tongue long enough to play with someone's G-spot would then fit back into your mouth. Or who these mysterious women are that have mini-clits in place of nipples. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Really, it is possible for some women to orgasm from nipple stimulation. *tries to find non-tmi way of backing this up* As you would discover mentioned at several places on the web, if you search Google for "orgasm nipple-stimulation". Though for Hermione, in that scene, with as little experience as she has and as little other foreplay as it sounds like they're describing, it may be a lot less likely... | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | I swear all the worst smut is always written by older people. Everytime I read some gawdawful pr0n that makes me want to join a convent, I find out the author is 30+. What is up with that and why does it scare me? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| You know... pretty much every time I've read half-baked shipper!smut written by a boy, the nipples cause crazy orgasms. I wonder if they get some secret memo or a note from their dad or something. Because where this is coming from, IT MUST STOP.
Unfortunatly, once we hit the g-spot tongue thing, I couldn't stop thinking about Jar Jar Binks, and now I'm going to inject windex into my veins. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| I couldn't stop thinking about Jar Jar Binks, and now I'm going to inject windex into my veins.
...damn you. DAMN YOU. NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT IT!!!! Gimme some of the windex. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | No no no! Drinking it WASTES it. Injecting is faster. We need to conserve enough for everyone! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | I recommend skipping the Windex and heading straight for Clorox. That tingling sensation you feel is a sign that it's working! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Unfortunatly, once we hit the g-spot tongue thing, I couldn't stop thinking about Jar Jar Binks, and now I'm going to inject windex into my veins.
Pass the windex, please. *shudder* | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Thinking about someone sucking that hard on my nips just makes them ache.
I wonder if it's wish fulfillment? Boys love the boobies so much that obviously, we get off on it, too! BEST ORGASM EVER!
As for Jar-Jar - where's Camilla's icon when you need it??? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| "I want to make love to you, Hermione. I want to caress your body with my oafish hands. I want to pretend I'm a baby at those sexy nipples of yours, and someday I want to get practice at planting a baby between your absolutely magnificent legs."
I just lost it, I can't stop laughing! Planting a baby?! Plan...wha? I'm sorry, I need to go take my medicine now, otherwise I'll be giggling all night.
Planting a baby! | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Yes, he went down to the hardware store and bought these baby seeds -- making sure not to get any of the horrible red-haired baby seeds, 'cause those are just WEEDSOMG -- and with a little love, his trusty watering can, some nice topsoil, and one of those cages you put around tomato plants, soon a baby will sprout in Hermione's crotch! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | And I have this amazing image of Harry as Johnny Appleseed, with a bag of sperm seeds - probably look like those alfalfa sprout things! - slung over his shoulder. He walks through the countryside, a-tossin' out seeds all over Hermione's fertile fields! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | That's where Xavier Roberts got the idea. He's the proto-Harmonian, the first one ever! All those Cabbage Patch dolls are Harry and Hermione's children!!! | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| *eyes Cabbage Patch dolls sitting in my closet*
I think I'll have a garage sale next weekend. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Sweet lord, I was in hysterics from "snoo-snoo place" onward. Would you like diamonds? Chocolate? Tons of internets? The sex slaves of your choice? Cookies? The deaths of your enemies? Maple sugar candy? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| All of the bizarre slang terms for nookie and naughty bits are from the web somewhere. I was originally just going to sub out all of the stupid "her sex" and "his erection" blahs for the weirdest replacements I could find. Decided not to, but now I have some interesting new smutty words to bring up in conversation. Like "Captain Slappy."
Oooooh, sex slaves, sugar, AND death to the infidels!!! It's like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one!!! ♥ | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| I'm so hurt. I don't think I can go on. My worldview has been shattered. I need to play some Fallout Boy and cut myself. Maybe write some shitty poetry:
u said that
ppl dint fight if
they loved each other
but u lied
i bet u r a h0r
liar
I think I'll title it, "Disillusionment: Despair, My Pain, My Razor."
*sniff* That's beautiful.
| | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | I really want to print a copy of that out and carry it around with me so that I could show people who think they're emo how silly they look, but they wouldn't get the joke. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | So, did anyone else imagine him sticking a baby beween her legs during the night, and then as an April Fools joke pretending it popped out while she was asleep? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| OK, so I've been exposed to this fic before, *shudders* and are we sure Kingsfire isn't a R/Hr shipper in disguise and writing this bad just to spork the major H/Hr theories and such, like Dursely Abuse and the Summer with the Super Grangers and angsty Harry who hates everyone but Hermione, etc.
I mean come one, are all H/Hr fics this bad, with or without smutt? And please for the love of God, pass the industrial strength bleach... | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | I've heard rumours that there are well done and well written H/Hr fics, but I haven't found them since I spend most of my time at places like this, where goodfic doesn't show up that often. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | It's like a bad prose rendition of Dawson's Creek with sex. Can't they talk like normal people, for damn's sake? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-04-02 04:36 pm (UTC) |
|
| Y'know, I actually read a very good H/Hr fic once. It had Ron getting fed up with H/Hr secretly lusting for one another (some time in the future) and deciding to do something about it. It was adorable. THe only H/Hr fic I truly enjoyed reading.
I think I'll go find that again instead of pouring a gallon of bleach into my eyes to stop the pain of that horrid, horrid sex scene. /zombie voice
It has killed me. *shudders* | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| ...
That was some bad pr0n. Really bad. And who are these people? They don't act like Harry and Hermione. Stoopid Pod!people. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| “Besides, back in the hospital, you wanted to peel me out of my top so that you could gaze longingly at my perfect breasts, I think you said?”
“I verbalized that?” he asked, going white again.
“No, but I read lips, and you mouthed it."
Who mouths something like that? Jesus, Harry, you're retarded. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Dude, wtf? Someone needs to tell these male typists (and female, for that matter) that girls generally don't get all orgasmic during their first time and being on top sounds rather painful, even if the guy in question is your TROO LUV OMG!!!. I'm looking at you, Rose Potter typist. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Apparently, Harry is Gene fucking Simmons.
*diez and iz ded*
That is one of the funniest sporkings ever. I literally LOL'd at several points. You are a brave sporker for taking on this atrocity. *hands over industrial-strength brain bleach* | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| notmonkey | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-04-05 03:10 am (UTC) |
|
| Sure, the Grangers give one another sex toys for Christmas gifts. Hermione got her dildo when she was eight or so. Didn't know what it was for back then, so she just put a doll dress on it and painted a mustache on its face and called it Senor Floogmyer.
Ow. Ow.
Can't. Breathe.
Laughing.
| | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
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The HMS STFU - Family Matters, Chapter Five: April Is For Lovers, And Today Is For Harmony
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