The HMS STFU - Chapter 23

Subject:	Chapter 23
Time:	10:22 am

This is a long chapter.

It’s less than enjoyable. In fact, it’s crap.

Chapter 23: Occlumency and Legillimency

Me: *blinks* Excuse me? Excuse me?! EXCUSE ME???!!! THE LAST THING ANYONE NEEDS IS ROSE HAVING THE ABILITY TO RAT AROUND IN PEOPLE’S HEADS AND ESSENTIALLY RAPE THEIR MINDS!!!!!

I am making a bet right now. I bet my little P.J. that Rose actually uses Legilimency—LEGILMENCY, NOT “LEGILLIMENCY”—to rat around in someone’s head, and she isn’t detected or reprimanded in any way whatsoever.

Author: Credit for definitions of Occlumency and Legilimency must go to the authors of ‘Harry Potter and the Power of Time’ and ‘Harry Potter and the Acceptance of Fate’. I can’t remember their names…look them up if you want to know.

Me: Or…you could credit the definitions of Occlumency and Legilimency to…J.K. Because, uh…she did explain them.

Oh, wait—that one wouldn’t make Rose look good, because, unlike Harry, she WILL get the hang of them. So we can’t have something simple and stupid like CANON hindering Rose in any way!!!

I triple my bet—I’m adding in Marten and Buzz.

Mrs. Hyde: *weakly, from her bed of pain* You can’t bet my cat!

Mervin: Oh, shut up—it’s not like you’re going to lose her, or anything. You know she’s going to snoop in people’s minds. And be quiet or your spleen will rupture—again.

Rose: Kreacher, as so happened, was found again in the attic. Sirius said he had found him up there, covered in dust, no doubt looking for more relics of the Black family to hide in his cupboard. But he later asked me to put a Privacy ward around me and him. As it turned out, Sirius had gone to Dumbledore the instant Kreacher was gone from the house and told the Headmaster what had happened. And apparently it was decided that Kreacher would remain in Grimmauld Place and the Order would keep a close eye on the house-elf too see what he got up to, something which Sirius would be largely responsible for. I found this plan to be rather close to the Miachivellian maxim: Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Me: Isn’t Rose JUST SO WISE?

Rose: In fact, if it hadn’t been for the pending OWL exams and the DA, I thought I might have begged Sirius and Minnie to let me leave Hogwarts and remain in Weston Forest. Then on the very last day of the holidays, something happened that definitely made me throw away the idea of not returning to Hogwarts.

Me: Oh, just a reminder—Snape and Rose? Best buds forever. Snape’s SUCH a good guy. It’s all an act, you know.

Rose: Oh, and I’m not playing chess with Ron when Mrs. Weasley comes in—as if. I’m reading a book, and Ron? I dunno what he’s doing. Off by himself, probably. Probably beating off—only action he’ll ever get, the Weasley loser.

Me: Okay, that was the author. Even though s/he didn’t actually say that, you know s/he was thinking it.

And now…the changes to canon. They are extensive in this chapter. And disgusting. But, for now—let’s see this loser change.

“Really?” I said surprised, wondering what this was all about. Professor Snape had never spoken to me while I was at Grimmauld Place.

(Rose): And the nerve of him! We’re best friends evah! He should’ve been checking in on me every day!

“Yes, come along dear, he can’t stay long,” said Mrs Weasley. Thinking it was either about my independent Defence studies or Potions mastery lessons I got up and followed Mrs Weasley outside.

Yes, so long as it is all about how good you are, you’re happy.

A minute or two later, I pushed open the kitchen door to find Sirius and Snape both seated at the long table, glaring in opposite directions. The silence between them was heavy with mutual dislike. A letter lay open on the table in front of Sirius.

“Hello, Professor Snape, this is a surprise,” I said with a smile, to announce my presence.

Yeesh. Sirius and Snape, sitting there hating each other, and she decides to be all cheery and sweet to him.

I truly doubt Sirius appreciates that.

Professor Snape looked around at me, his face framed between curtains of greasy black hair.

“Sit down, Miss Potter.”

“You know,” said Sirius loudly, leaning back on his rear chair legs and speaking to the ceiling. “I think I’d prefer it if you didn’t give orders here, Snape. It’s my house, you see.”

Okay, uh, why is this going on?

A flush suffused Professor Snape’s pallid face. I sat down with a suffering sigh in a chair between the two men, so I could face both of them.

*scowls* Oh yes, Rose—you just have it SOOOOOO awful.

I’m gonna have Airhead flashbacks, I know it.

“I was supposed to see you alone, Miss Potter,” said Professor Snape, sneering at Sirius, “but Black…”

“I’m her godfather,” said Sirius, louder than ever.

Is there any reason for him to be here at all? Sirius stayed downstairs because he knew Snape picked on Harry incessantly. Sirius knows that these two are bosom buddies. If anything, he’d avoid the situation, irritated and agonized by the fact that Rose is romping around quite happily with the bastard.

“I am here on Dumbledore’s orders,” said Professor Snape, whose voice by contrast was becoming more and more quietly waspish, “but by all means stay, Black, I know you’d like to feel…involved.”

(Snape): Considering you’ve been doing absolutely nothing for the Order, even though you probably could be doing things. After all…you’re not an escaped convict, and would be a perfect decoy to distract the public eye away from our business. But no, no—you chose to volunteer as—what was it—ah, a hit wizard. A professional murderer…my word, and you constantly berate me for having been a Death Eater.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” said Sirius, letting his chair fall back on to all four legs with a loud bang.

“Merely that I am sure you must feel – ah – frustrated by the fact that there have been no emergencies that require your…unique…attention,” said Professor Snape with a delicate stress on the word, “for the Order.”

Snape, you are an absolute loser. How the hell was that supposed to be some scathing remark? That sucked!

It was Sirius’s turn to flush. Professor Snape’s lip curled in triumph as he turned to me.

“The Headmaster has sent me to tell you, Miss Potter, that it is his wish for you to study Occlumency and if you do well, Legillimency, this term.”

And just what the crap is this? Oh, and let me guess—she masters Occlumency in a matter of weeks, and they move immediately on to Legilimency, is that right? And we get to hear about her poking around in people’s heads, AM I RIGHT???!!!

You suck, Dumbledore. Why are you teaching her Legilimency? That serves no purpose. You just wanted her to conceal her mind from Voldemort. So why are you doing this? WHY? I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION!!

I’ll never get one.

I frowned as my head puzzled the meanings of the words. “I know Occlumency has got something to do with obscuring things based on the word morphology but…”

…please stop bring up the word morphology. It’s annoying. I’m tired of hearing you dissect the words and immediately know what they do.

“Ah,” said Professor Snape with a smirk, “you are the essence of you mother, aren’t you?

You know, this could have been used as a new way to taunt Sirius. Talking about how she’s LILY, not JAMES, and poke fun at Sirius that Rose has more in common with himself than she does Sirius.

But no, no—instead, we get Snape, the fawning sycophant, lumped into the same group as Ginny and Cedric.

Occlumency, Miss Potter, is the magical defence of the mind against external penetration,

*irritably* What did I say about using that word?

while Legillimency is learning to penetrate

Dammit, stop that!!

the mind of another. Both are somewhat polar opposites of each other. They are also both highly obscure braches of magic, but very useful.”

And what’s the point of learning Legilimency??!! Whose head does she need to go poking around in??!!

“So is this the Headmaster’s answer to the possibility of me being possessed by…You-Know-Who?” I asked politely.

You weren’t BEING possessed, bonehead!

And the “politely” bit is just another jab at Harry.

These two types of magicks sounded rather fishy,

Get your gaming butt out of Harry Potter, and take your “magick” with you!

but I was still instantly fascinated by it nevertheless.

(Rose): Another way for me to be better than everyone, cool!

“That is correct, Miss Potter,” said Professor Snape.

Liar. That is not the reason why Dumbledore wanted her to learn it.

“You will receive private lessons once a week; and you will be using your independent Defence practical review sessions as a cover for your instruction. You will not tell anybody what you are doing, least of all Dolores Umbridge. You understand?”

“Yes,” I said with a frown, another secret to be kept.

Oh, don’t give me that! You keep secrets right and left, strictly because you can use them later to frighten and bully people! I can’t count the number of secrets you’re keeping from everybody—well, Ron, in any case. Let’s try, though, shall we? Okay—all the secrets she’s ever kept from Ron at any time.

Ninja.

McGonagall adopted her.

Druidess.

Time Turner.

Golden Patronus.

Dating Cedric.

Had already met Sirius Black.

Neville’s parents.

The true extent of her magical abilities.

Her contacts.

Her trunk.

Her new wand.

That’s all I’m interested in naming at the moment—interesting though, isn’t it? “Oh, boy, another secret.” I thought for sure she’d be pleased.

“Who’s going to be teaching me?”

“Why, I am,” said Professor Snape, raising an eyebrow.

“Cool,” I said, rubbing my hands together in anticipation of learning something new that nobody else knew.

Do I REALLY need to say anything about that?

I didn’t think so. *waits for the outrage*

“Why can’t Dumbledore teach Rosey?” asked Sirius with a frown. “Why you?”

“I suppose it is a headmaster’s privilege to delegate tasks,” said Professor Snape silkily and got to his feet.

*rubs head* That was an absolutely pathetic change. Author, could you at least TRY, once in a while?

“I will expect you after lunch on Monday morning, Miss Potter. Good day.”

He turned to leave, his black travelling cloak billowing behind him.

“Wait a moment,” said Sirius, sitting up straighter in his chair. Professor Snape turned to face him, sneering.

“I am in rather a hurry, Black. Unlike you, I do not have unlimited leisure time.”

I love how Rose is perfectly fine with all this. Snape insults Sirius all the time, but she still is all cuddly with him. Friend or no, if someone I knew started treating any of my other friends like that, I’d be mad.

“I’ll get to the point then,” said Sirius, standing up. He was rather taller than Professor Snape who, I noticed, balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what I was sure was the handle of his wand. “If I hear you’re using these Occlumency lessons to give Rosey a hard time, you’ll have me to answer to.”

And the point of this is…?

“How touching,” said Professor Snape with a sneer. “But surely you know that Miss Potter already spends an hour nightly with me in Potions mastery lessons, and have you ever heard her complain?...No, I thought so.”

Oh, COME ON. Snape knows how to talk properly! “No, I thought so,” you BONEHEAD!!! IT’S “I THOUGHT NOT!!!”

And I’m glad Snape made a good point about how stupid Sirius is being—Snape never abuses her, and actually praises her in front of Bellatrix and probably Voldemort—on their side or not, he quite obviously fawns over her.

Professor Snape turned to me again. “After lunch, Monday afternoon, Miss Potter.”

And with that, he disappeared through the kitchen door. Sirius glared after him but before a further word could be said.

The sentence ended and left a nice little fragment for me to deal with.

The kitchen door opened again and the entire Weasley family, plus Hermione, came inside, all looking very happy, with Mr Weasley walking proudly in their midst dressed in a pair of striped pyjamas covered by a mackintosh.

“Cured!” he announced brightly to the kitchen at large. “Completely cured!”

“That’s wonderful, Mr Weasley,” I said happily and headed forward to give him a hug.

Girl or not, I despise how she hugs everyone. It bothers me.

“That’s great news, Arthur, really great,” said Sirius with what looked like enormous effort.

And with very little effort, I killed him.

“Yes, isn’t it?” said Mrs Weasley, leading her husband forward to a chair. “Healer Smethwyck worked his magic in the end, found an antidote to whatever that snake’s got in its fangs, and Arthur’s learned his lesson about dabbling in Muggle medicine, haven’t you, dear?” she added, rather menacingly.

“Yes, Molly, dear,” said Mr Weasley meekly.

That night’s meal should have been a cheerful one, with Mr Weasley back amongst them. I could tell Sirius was trying to make it so, yet when my godfather was not forcing himself to laugh loudly at Fred and George’s jokes or offering everyone more food, his face fell into a moody, brooding expression that I suspected only a visit to Shaleena and Leah would cure.

(Sirius): I had a rough day at the office, hos! Bend over, and bend over NOW!!

Why is sex the answer to everything in this story! Oh, I know why! Because you’re a Harmonian, and, to you at least, sex = True and Healing Love!

Deny it, bitch. Just try.

I was separated from him by Mundungus and Mad-Eye, who had dropped in to offer Mr Weasley their congratulations. I wanted to talk to Sirius, to tell him he shouldn’t let Professor Snape acerbic nature get to him, and that he was doing his part by being on stand-by for an emergency.

*snorts* His “acerbic nature.”

(Dumbledore): *AK’d off the tower*

(Rose): His acerbic nature must have gotten to him, too.

And I’m still maintaining that Sirius actually IS doing nothing in this story—stand-by emergency, what the crap is that? He’s doing JACK SH*T. He could be out distracting the enemy, pretending to do things, gathering intelligence—something. They would definitely look more at him in this story because, as Sirius said, people spent twelve years thinking he was a baddie, and they would keep a bigger watch on him rather than, say, Tonks or Shacklebolt.

But no, no—he’d rather sit in his house and pout and complain about how he has nothing to do except his bitches.

What a wanker. I hate this version of Sirius.

But I had no opportunity to do so, and, eyeing the ugly look on Sirius’s face, I wondered occasionally whether I would have dared mention it even if I had my chance.

Wow—Rose is acting OOC by this person’s standards—when has an “ugly look” ever stopped her from berating someone for not acting more like herself?

“What did Professor Snape want with you?” asked Hermione a while later.

“Just got to do with my Potions mastery lessons,” I said with a sigh. I hated keeping secrets from my friends, but Professor Snape did say I was to tell no one about this.

BITCH. Harry told his friends FIRST THING!!!!

I know I made a bet about how she snoops in people’s minds, but if she even THINKS about poking around in either Ron or Hermione’s brains, I WILL THROW A BIG FIT. IF THE ONLY REASON SHE ISN’T TELLING THEM IS SO SHE CAN USE IT TO HER ADVANTAGE, I SWEAR I WILL DO SOMETHING UGLY AND IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY.

We were to return to Hogwarts on the Knight Bus the following day, escorted once again by Tonks and Lupin, both of whom were eating breakfast in the kitchen when Ron, Hermione and I came down next morning. The adults seemed to have been midway through a whispered conversation as I opened the door; all of them looked round hastily and fell silent.

Mrs. Hyde: *basks in the tiny bit of canon subtext for her OTP*

Mervin: *dryly* Feeling better?

After a hurried breakfast, they all pulled on jackets and scarves, while I merely turned on my warming charm against the chilly grey January morning.

*yawns* I’m tired of the amulet. I really am.

I had an unpleasant constricted sensation in my chest; I did not want to say goodbye to Sirius. I had a bad feeling about this parting; I didn’t know when we would next see each other. I resolved to Teleport more often for visits.

This kinda removes any and all stress from the books, doesn’t it? Sirius isn’t confined to Grimmauld Place, Rose can visit him any time she likes…

It’s…kinda boring, really.

“Let’s go then,” said Sirius, giving me a brief hug and smiling grimly, and before I could say anything else, we were heading upstairs, stopping before the heavily chained and bolted front door, surrounded by Weasleys.

Gah! That was a rather abrupt jump.

And…no mirrors.

Huh.

“Goodbye, Rosey, take care,” said Mrs Weasley, hugging me.

“See you, Rosey, and keep an eye out for snakes for me!” said Mr Weasley genially, also giving me a hug.

“Right – thanks,” I said worriedly with a glance at Sirius. Next moment, I found myself beind shunted out into the icy winter air, with Tonks (today heavily disguised as a tall, tweedy woman with iron-grey hair) chivvying me down the steps. Concentrating, I morphed myself to look like we were twins and we giggled at each other.

Rose, you should probably take some pills for those mood swings. Worried, then giggly!

And I’m tired of her showing off. It’s boring me, too.

Remus: Okay, let’s go. *summons the Bus*

Everyone: *climbs on*

Canon: *takes over for the ride back to Hogsmeade*

Me: Here’s the change during the ride.

“I’ve changed my mind,” muttered Ron, picking himself up from the floor for the sixth time. “I never want to ride on this again.” I could help but laugh heartily at his predicament.

*sigh* I’m heartily sick of you doing nothing but laugh at Ron.

And, yet again—can’t script it. You have to see it, sporked.

I spent most of the next morning feeling a familiar weighty feeling that I had become used to last year, the feeling of sheer nervousness as a great task was before me.

But, of course, Rose is going to completely master it, just like last time.

Which is hardly reassuring. Because Rose did everything perfectly last time, and the exact same thing happened as when Harry did it.

Mrs. Hyde: You know, by that logic—Rose really sucks. I mean, she does all this preparation, black magic, etc., and she still does it no better than Harry does.

Mervin: *hold up an admonitory finger, and then pauses* You know…you’re right! Heh. *points and laughs at Rose, waiting until Hyde’s back is turned to boot her back out of the sporking*

The double-Potions lesson that day did nothing to dispel it.

Bleh. I wish the author would stop reminding me how much Rose LUVS Potions, because Snape is just her best friend EVAH.

The DA members were constantly approaching me in the corridors, asking hopefully if there would be a meeting that night.

And what does that have to do with the double-Potions lesson?

I initially didn’t want there to be one, as I had no idea how taxing Occlumency lessons would be, but due to sheer frustration, just as Zacharias Smith came up to me to ask whether there would be DA tonight, I just nodded, and reached into my bag and changed the fake Galleon to reflect the meeting.

Just to remind you…Rose doesn’t have to do it at night. After all—Rose doesn’t need to be inconvenienced with something like DADA.

Hopefully, that would keep them all off my back.

(Rose): Except, of course, Cedric.

By the time I finished lunch and everyone else left for Defence against the Dark Arts with Umbridge, however, there were heavy butterflies in my stomach as I walked towards Professor Snape’s office.

That makes me ill, considering she describes the way Cedric makes her horny in the same fashion.

I paused outside the door when I reached it, then, taking a deep breath, I knocked and entered.

The shadowy room was lined with shelves bearing hundreds of glass jars in which slimy bits of animals and plants were suspended in variously coloured potions. In one corner stood the cupboard I knew had highly dangerous ingredients inside.

And that was a very poor change, and all it showed was that Rose is privy to Snape’s personal stores at any time she likes.

My attention was drawn towards the desk, however, where a shallow stone basin engraved with runes and symbols lay in a pool of candlelight. I recognised it at once – it was Dumbledore’s Pensieve. I took this opportunity to study it for the making of my own Pensieve, when Professor Snape’s voice came out of the shadows.

No, you “were taking” the opportunity. And why don’t you just USE Dumbledore’s Pensieve, instead of wasting time with your own???!!!!

“Shut the door behind you, Miss Potter, and ward it.”

Do it yourself, you bastard—stop giving her more opportunities to show off.

I did what I was told, and cast ‘Secretus’ at the door.

And while her back was turned, Snape cursed her knees on backwards.

When I turned back into the room, Professor Snape had moved into the light and was pointing silently at the chair opposite his desk. I saw down and so did Professor Snape, his cold black eyes fixed unblinkingly upon me.

And continues to describe him like that, even though she always talks about how friendly he is whenever she’s around. That’s canon, since her First Year.

“Well, Miss Potter, you know why you are here,” he said.

(Rose): Yes, to be better than everyone else. And if you don’t teach me every aspect of this magic—especially the darker versions—I’ll curse your big fat nose off.

“The Headmaster has asked me to teach you Occlumency and Legillimency.

He did not. Dumbledore would NOT ask someone to teach her how to snoop about in people’s minds.

I hope you will do credit to the time I am going spend in you.”

Yeah, yeah, the usual crap, get on with—

Wait a second. *rereads that*

NO!!! NO, GOD, NO, DON’T GET ON WITH THAT!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, YOU IDIOT???!!!

*wavering voice* Oh God. This does not bode well for the session. At all. That one spelling error is going to influence the entire sporking.

Mrs. Hyde: *comes back in and dies*

Mervin: *looks at her for a moment, and then shakes her head and goes back to sporking*

“Yes, sir,” I nodded.

GAHAAAHHHAAA!!!! ALREADY!!!!!

“Now, Occlumency.

Later, Occlumency. Please?

As I told you in your godfather’s kitchen,

Because Snape only insults Sirius to his face—as such, no “dearest godfather.” That might offend poor Rose.

this branch of magic seals the mind against magical intrusion and influence. The Dark Lord is highly skilled at Legillimency, which is the ability to extract feelings and memories from another person’s mind.

As you can see, Snape assumed that Rose would be stupid enough to not realize why they were learning Occlumency—he only told Harry this because Harry asked, and thought he was a right idiot for not figuring out that something weird was going on between Voldemort and his mind.

You can thank me later for convincing the Headmaster to teach you the latter, since I have come to realise there is quite a bit wisdom in your approach to learn Defense against the Dark Arts by learning how to cast the curse you are defending against first, more than merely learning the counter-curse.”

Ah—see? Dumbledore DIDN’T want to teach her how to do this.

And that is crap.

Maybe Snape does realize that she is the next Dark Lord in training, and all his sycophant nonsense is really him truly changing his colors to follow her when she comes to power.

“Now,” said Professor Snape. “I first want get rid of any preconceptions you may have due to your unfortunate upbringing in the Muggle world.

That’s great, Snape. Why don’t you just go and call Hermione a “Mudblood” while you’re at it?

Legillimency is not ‘mind-reading’. The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not etched on the inside of skulls, to be perused by any invader.

As such, Rose will treat it just like that later. Enjoy!

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Miss Potter.

Unless you’re Rose—then there’s just one layer. The “Hate” layer.

It is true, however, that those have mastered Legillimency are able, under certain conditions, to delve into the minds of their victims and to interpret their findings correctly. The Dark Lord, for instance, almost always knows when somebody is lying to him. Only those skilled at Occlumency are able to shut down those feelings and memories that contradict the lie, and so can utter falsehoods in his presence without detection.

And that right there is the main reason that Rose can learn Legilimency. So she can lie even better than she already does.

I hate her.

Do you understand?”

“Yes sir,” I nodded thinking.

And I’ll just sit here and nod “f*ck you.”

“But time and space matters in magic, so a Legilimencer would need to be in my presence to achieve that?”

This, coming from the person who has already supposedly figured out that Voldemort and herself have a weird connection. WE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THIS BY YOUR CANON, SO STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!!!!

“Correct,” said Professor Snape nodding. “Eye contact is often essential to Legilimency. But due to curse that failed to kill you, a connection has been forged between you and the Dark Lord. The evidence suggests that at times, when your mind is most relaxed and vulnerable – when you are asleep, for instance – you are sharing the Dark Lord’s thoughts and emotions. The Headmaster thinks it inadvisable for this to continue, as this connection as you yourself have deduced is a possible pathway for the Dark Lord to possess you.”

That was NOT a possibility!!!! Dumbledore wasn’t worried about possession, he was worried about false images and Voldemort being privy to the Order and whatnot!!

I shuddered at the mere thought of that. Professor Snape now spoke so carefully, it appeared as if he was measuring his every word in a brass scale.

Ah, that was much more beautiful than JK’s version, where Snape simply “weighed every word.” *gags*

“It appears that the Dark Lord has been unaware of the connection between you and himself until very recently. Up till now it seems that you have been experiencing his emotions, and sharing his thoughts, without his being any the wiser.

And she loved every minute of it.

However, the vision you had shortly before Christmas represented such a powerful incursion upon the Dark Lord’s thoughts that he detected you.”

“Merlin!” I said alarmed.

Not only is she British, she is also a witch.

“Quite,” said Professor Snape gravely. “The Dark Lord is now aware that you are gaining access to his thoughts and feelings. He has also deduced…as you have,

She HASN’T.

that the process is likely to work in reverse; that is to say, he has realised that he might be able to access your thoughts and feelings in return.

And THAT was the main point!!!!! SNAPE WASN’T CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR STUPID LITTLE THEORY OF POSSESSION!!!!!

We cannot afford that Miss Potter, you have knowledge in that highly capable mind of yours

*stabstabstabstabstab*

that we do not want the Dark Lord to have.”

“I understand, sir,” I nodded, my lips thinning gravely.

I hope you swallow them.

“Now, perhaps you will indulge me,

NOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT AFTER THE SPELLING ERROR, DO NOT INDULGE SNAPE!!!!!

but I have noticed over the years in the times you have been in my presence that you seem to exhibit a very rudimentary type of Occlumency, can you explain this?”

I can. She’s Lord Voldemort—he did the same thing.

I was hesitant to speak of this, since like all weapons, it was best to not boast about what you have, thereby making the enemy underestimate you.

Even though we have to hear all about EVERY SINGLE ONE of them EVERY F*CKING PARAGRAPH!!!!!!!

Though Professor Snape was not an enemy, I had not even told my best friends this.

Well…best friend. Ron isn’t allowed to know.

And, here we are, back again to Rose = Voldemort. Seriously—remember the mad-libs?

“Since I was six years old I spent most of my free time with a teacher at my Muggle Primary School, he was a master of Muggle martial arts, he took me under his wing so to speak,

*cries pitifully* “So to speak?” After that spelling error… *cries louder*

when he saw how I was being used as a punching bag by Dudley,” I said darkly.

Are you done with your run-on?

“I learned to defend myself using merely my hands and feet,” I was totally forbidden to speak about ‘Ki’ at all, “as such I also had to learn to move mind, body and soul as one. I do meditation exercises almost daily where I simply clear my mind of all thought and…exist.”

Since I’m no expert, and the only thing I could possibly come up about that is merely, “Yes, thanks for the reminder that you terrorized your poor cousin for the first eleven years of his life, broke his bones, and bullied him into saying nothing to ensure you wouldn’t get into trouble—and you’re a ninja,” I’ve pulled in gabrielmobius to assist me! Let’s see what he had to say bout this nonsense.

Gabe: That is such shite. Meditiation is fun, yes, happy, right. Uh huh. Eesh. Meditation is useful in martial arts for clearing your mind so that it’s easier to focus on fighting. Part of Ki training is to clear your mind or somesuch.

Ki is an inner energy... I’ve heard it described a few ways, as either physical or spiritual energy. Ki training IS possible, I’ve seen it done. But if you were to ask Halcyon how, it’d be a total loss. Basically, he came upon a spiffy term, and used it.

So. Right. -inhales-

YOU ARE A RANDOM ORPHANED STREET PUNK WITH NO PREVIOUS MARTIAL ARTS TRAINING WHATSOEVER. NINJA DO NOT NORMALLY ACCEPT PEOPLE WITH LESS THAN A BLACK BELT IN ANOTHER ART UNLESS THEY ARE FAMILY TO THE CLAN, YOU STUPID FUCKING AUTHOR. Yes, you may think Ninjitsu is oh so cool and ‘omg i r teh ninjar lol’ BUT IT IS NOT A MARTIAL ART YOU CAN DECIDE TO RANDOMLY PICK UP WITHOUT PREVIOUS HARD TRAINING. AUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

I am going to find Keiran Halcyon or whateverthefuckthey’recalled and I am going to plant my heel in their sternum and SHATTER IT.

And on another FUCKING note: Ninjitsu is not a defense martial art. Telling me that you’re taking ninjitsu to defend yourself upon possible loss of your wand is like saying that you only want to slaughter those babies to pretect yourself from the potential threat that they pose were they allowed to grow up. Ninja do not defend, they kill. Ninja in modern day are taught to repress their abilities and hardly ever use them for fear of arrest and dishonour. GodDAMNIT. I’m fucking done.

Thank you, Gabe, that was very nice. *applauds*

Professor Snape drummed his fingers and looked deep in

—sh*t?

thought. “Yes, from what you say, it seems they will stand you in good stead for Occlumency. And since you do exhibit it almost instinctually I think you will master true Occlumency in record time.

Yeah, the only other person who ever managed to shield his thoughts instinctually was Voldemort—

Oh, wait a second. *exaggerated dawning comprehension*

Good, now pay attention,” he sat down looking at me intently, “to Legilimence

Perchance to dream?

is to quest

To find ~~Quinn’s~~ Rose’s @$$! And then beat it.

for memories, images, and feelings specific to a particular emotion or desire.

Well, Rose should be easy to read—there’s just hate.

It would be confusing to just ask for all the thoughts in one’s mind.

I thought it wasn’t mind reading, you dolt.

Rather, questions are posed to pull forth memories and feelings relevant to a particular emotion, such as love, joy, triumph, anger, shame--the list is endless.”

Except for Rose. Hate, remember?

“The memories and images your mind may provide alone are not often useful, unless they can be interpreted as meaningful.

She’ll probably just get off on them.

“For instance, the Dark Lord, if he had the opportunity, may want to discern from you for whom you care about a great deal in the hopes of using this information against you.

(Author): And I haven’t read ahead!

Well, it doesn’t matter anyway—the only person she cares about his herself.

He would Legilimence for love and affection then. Or, perhaps, he would wish to humiliate and degrade you

Shoe’s on the other foot, eh, b*tch?

and then bring forth your memories associated with feelings of shame

Not to worry—she has none of that.

and embarrassment. Most likely of all though, is that he would simply want to know what it is you most wish for him to never to know and for this, he would seek out your thoughts and memories associated with secrecy.”

So, you’re telling me that Voldemort is the type to read a teenager’s diary?

A rather startling complication came to the fore as I listened carefully to Professor Snape. He would most definitely eventually find out that I was a druidess if I learned this not to mention a whole range of my abilities, but it was too late now.

Oh, yeah, he really wants to know that you’re naked all the time!!!

“Is something the matter, Miss Potter?” said Professor Snape, who had seen the consternation on my face.

“It’s just that if you are going to initially be able to penetrate

I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SAY THAT!!!

my mind, you will see things that are quite secret…”

…anyone else notice that, for all her preaching of being “comfortable with her body” and “refusing to conform to an outdated Victorian society’s rules,” she sure gets edgy when someone is about to find out that she’s butt naked.

I was interrupted however, by Professor Snape raising a hand.

And spanking her!

Wait—I take that back. Pretend I didn’t say that, not after what he said up there.

“Do not worry, Miss Potter, the Headmaster has foreseen this problem, and has already shared with me anything that I might not know about you, such as you being a druidess and that you are a Metamorphmagus,” explained Professor Snape.

Yeah, but what about all the other stuff that Dumbledore doesn’t know?

*grinning rather nastily* Some small part of me is almost cheering for Evil!Snape, just to see what the author comes up with to try to cover the fact that Snape will have told Voldemort all of this.

“Oh,” I said, quite flabberghasted.

What, and she’s fine with this?

Oh, yeah—only Ron isn’t allowed to know.

“Now,” said Professor Snape continueing, “a key to blocking a quest is to be able to identify what it is being sought.

What is this “quest” crap? Look, just because Snape said it isn’t “mind-reading” in the Muggle sense, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t some form of mind-reading, because that’s what it is. It’s a mental invasion, not a “quest.”

And there are no Hobbits.

Of course, after a full-out Legilimency attack has begun, it is often too late to prevent it completely, however, it will allow you to understand the nature of the quest. Anticipating the quest and its purpose is extremely important.

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead…

You will learn to always block the thoughts of things you wish no one else to know but you will need some quick thinking and good intuition to be able to accurately and effectively anticipate, confirm, block and--eventually--deceive other particular quests.”

Are you going to keep using that word?!

“Let’s begin. I will quest for thoughts that you don’t want me, particularly, to see. It may seem cruel

(Snape): It may seem cruel, but I’m actually just a sweetie pie honey-bunch.

but it carries with it a strong motivation to block the quest.

*sighs* Yes. He is going to keep using that word.

You now know for what I am going to probe.

*yells*

See if you can stop me from pulling forth

I’LL STOP YOU! YOU KEEP YOUR FLY CLOSED, YOU SICK BASTARD!!!

these thoughts and seeing them. Stopping the probing

*bawls*

is the first battle of Occlumency.

*a la G.I. Joe* Knowing is half the battle.

The second is the part that may allow you to use Occlumency as your own powerful weapon.

Occlumency is not a weapon, idiot—it’s defensive only.

A Legilimencer will know if you simply block them and produce no memories for them to see. However, when you can control the process within your mind and then filter forth thoughts of your own volition, you may thus manipulate the Legilimencer and deceive them from the truth.”

She’s all about that.

“I’m with you so far, sir,” I said thinking hard, committing the words to memory and turning the meaning around in my mind.

What mind?

“Good,” said Professor Snape, pulling out his wand from an inside pocket of his robes, and raised the wand to his temple and placed its tip into the greasy roots of his hair.

Canon! *pleased*

When he withdrew it, some silvery substance came away, stretching from temple to wand like a thick gossamer strand, which broke as he pulled the wand away from it and fell gracefully into the Pensieve, where it swirled silvery-white, neither gas nor liquid.

*bursts into tears* It’s a canon line! But with what he said before…ARRGGHHH!!! It’s not my fault I’m seeing this!!! *cries*

Twice more, Professor Snape raised the wand to his temple and deposited the silvery substance into the stone basin, then, he picked up the Pensieve carefully, removed it to a shelf out of our way and returned to face me with his wand held at the ready.

“Stand up and take out your wand, Miss Potter.”

Mrs. Hyde: His is already out.

Mervin: *irritably* Go away. I’m having a bad enough time with my own sick mind—I don’t need yours.

My wand shot into my grasp in an instant and I got to my feet, feeling nervous. We faced each other with the desk between us.

And then she bent over it.

Mrs. Hyde: No, he did.

Mervin: *kicks*

“Now, Rosey

*goes into convulsions*

without telling me, can you think of memories where you were ashamed,

No.

memories which you most definitely would not want me to see. Those are what I will seek out in your mind to bring forth.You try to stop me. I am going to see how well that rudimentary Occlumency of yours works. I have been told you have already shown aptitude at resisting the Imperius Curse.

Yeah—by Rose!

You will find that similar powers are needed for this…brace yourself, now. Legilimens!”

I had already had my mental discipline to full strength, I cleared my mind with a mantra, my eyes were closed. The world swam and vanished; image after image was slowly being pulled out of my mind, it was so vivid that it blinded me to my surroundings.

I was five, watching Dudley riding a new red bicycle, and my heart was bursting with jealousy…the next memory came forth slowly, as if it was a car which brakes had locked, and being pulled by a tow-truck…

Oh, and she’s getting it immediately.

I was nine, and Ripper the bulldog was chasing me up a tree and the Dursleys were laughing below on the lawn…the next memory came forth and I felt my teeth gritting

I thought she wasn’t aware of her surroundings.

with the effort to push back…

That is seriously not cool, not with the bending over the desk remarks form earlier.

Hermione was lying in the hospital wing, her face covered with thick black hair...the next memory was the one that clinched everything…Cedric was drawing nearer to me in the Room of Requirement, the passion burning between us…

…she’s ashamed of that? I mean, maybe the first couple, but the others? And particularly the last one?

My mind blanked completely and it was replaced with a burning anger, and I felt my magic lash out.

First thing she feels is rage, and against someone she supposedly likes and respects. Typical.

Professor Snape’s office had come back into view and he was standing in front of me, he lowered his wand and was rubbing his wrist. There was an angry weal there, like a scorch mark.

What, that’s all? I’d have thought she’d blown his face off or something.

“Did you mean to produce a Stinging Hex?” asked Professor Snape coolly.

Ah, canon.

“Not exactly, I let my magic lash out purposefully though, I wasn’t thinking of any spell to cast specifically,” I said with a frown.

“Thought so,” said Professor Snape, watching me closely.

Snape doesn’t talk like that, you twit.

“Did you see everything I saw?” I asked nervously.

“Flashes of it,” said Professor Snape, his expression becoming angry. “To whom did the dog belong?”

*goes mad*

“My Aunt Marge,” I said bitterly.

“Well, for a first attempt that was quite good, I had to expend quite some effort to pull those images out.

My mind erased the words “those images.”

I hate myself.

You managed to stop me eventually. You must repel me with your mind;

You just repel me in general—both of you.

to that end I think it would be better if you put away your wand.” I put the wand back into its holster.

I hate that thing.

And I really hate the imagery I’m getting with it, too.

“Now I want you to clear you mind, Miss Potter, let go of all emotion…”

That’s impossible—she’s too full of hate.

I took a deep breath…my mind was a mirror…reflecting everything external…there is no emotion…I recited a Chinese mantra…I opened my eyes again.

“Let’s go again…on the count of three…one-two-three – Legilimens!”

I felt the magic of Professor Snape’s probe this time…

*wails*

my mind was a mirror…a vast empty void…

Well, she got that part right.

The office around me flickered…flickered…flickered…

FLICKERED!!!!!!!

my memories threatening to overwhelm me, I was on a precipice…no emotion…a mirror…no emotion…

The world abruptly returned to normal. I gave a huge gasp as for some reason I had been holding my breath, I looked up at Professor Snape, to see him leaning against the desk, his eyes closed. After a few moments he opened them and stared at me.

And she already gets it.

“That was quite effective Miss Potter,” he said eventually. “However you will need to evolve your mental imagery with which you use to clear your mind, especially as we move to the next level of Occlumency.

Watch it, mac—don’t tell her she’s doing it wrong, or she’ll kick your @$$.

Since the eventual idea is to not allow the Legilimencer to realise he has been detected and feed him false memories.”

…yes? What? You kind of left us hanging there.

“Yes, sir,” I said.

“Now we will practice what you have just done until the end of the period,” said Professor Snape. And that’s just what we did. By the time the bell rang I felt as if I had the most enormous headache of my life.

But she only felt like it—she didn’t really.

“I want you back here on Wednesday,” said Professor Snape tiredly.

Ewww!! It’s “Snape’s Toy” all over again!

“We will use one of your Potions mastery lessons as a cover and continue work then.

Nobody knows about those! What’s she going to tell Umbridge?

And you are to rid your mind of all emotion every night before sleep; empty it, as you have done with me now, you understand?”

…empty it? She wore him out good, didn’t she?

“Yes, Professor,” I said.

All this “sir” and “Professor” crap is nothing but a jab at Harry. And it’s irritating me.

I picked up my schoolbag, swung it over my shoulder and hurried towards the office door, lifted the ward on it, and left without another word.

Where I was waiting with a bazooka and blew her to kingdom come.

I found Ron and Hermione in the library, where they were working on Umbridge’s most recent ream of homework. Other students, nearly all of them fifth-years, sat at tables nearby, noses close to books, quills scratching feverishly, while the sky outside the mullioned windows grew steadily blacker.

Wow. The sun burnt out during DADA!

The only other sound was the slight squeaking of one of Madam Pinces’s shoes, as the librarian prowled the aisles menancingly, breathing down the neck of those touching her precious books.

When I sat down opposite Ron and Hermione, I caught sight of myself in the window opposite; my face was quite pale.

Unlike Harry, who was very white, and his scar was standing out.

Because that might’ve made Rose look like Occlumency had actually been DIFFICULT.

“Are you all right, Rosey?” whispered Hermione, with visible concern etched on her face.

“Yes,” I said with a sigh, rubbing my face. “Professor Snape just drilled me on some hard Defense work.” Which was true…from a certain point of view.

*SCREAMS*

F&G: Headless Hats!

Hermione: How do those hats work then? I mean, obviously it’s some kind of Invisibility Spell, but it’s rather clever to have extended the field of invisibility beyond the boundaries of the charmed object…I’d imagine the charm wouldn’t have a very long life though.

Rose: I think that’s the idea. So you would have to buy more hats from them, to get more effect.

Me: *rips out hair*

Rose: That evening we had the first DA meeting of the new term. Everyone was assembled in front of me in the Room of Requirement, with eagerness on their faces. While I in turn resolutely kept my face as an expressionless mask, the only emotion I allowed myself to express was from my eyes and even that was controlled. I did this because I had come to an epiphany of sorts. To master Occlumency I would need to get used to maintaining a constant guard on my thoughts and feelings…I needed the practice.

Me: Reminds me of young Tom Riddle, really. He was excellent at controlling his emotions, and expressing some solely through his eyes.

Rose: Well, I’m going to teach you the Tempus Jinx. It’s time magic, and it’s going to be interesting.

Me: It is NOT Time Magic, because all it does is alter PERCEPTION, according to you!!!

Rose: *watches everyone, and only a few people get the hang of it—of course, Deadric is one of them, the stupid smug bastard*

Me: And here’s the final change.

When only Ron, Hermione and I were left in the Room of Requirement I stiffened visibly, enough to make them both turn around. I felt an emotion bouncing off my mental mirror, something that was clearly not my own, it was all I could do not to give in to it.

…a feeling of happiness, the snake was happier than he had been in a very long time…jubilant, ecstatic, triumphant…a wonderful, wonderful thing had happened…

I cleared my mind, it was a mirror…there is no emotion…my mind was a void…the feeling went away as though a big door had just been shut…

“Rosey? ROSEY!”

Hermione and Ron were standing in front of me, I blinked, my face rigidly under control.

“Voldemort is very happy about something,” I said evenly.

“What?” said Ron in confusion.

“Something very good’s happened for him,” I said. “Something he’s been hoping for.”

“That can’t be good, can it?” said Hermione anxiously.

“No,” I said, and without further word walked out of the Room of Requirement, Ron and Hermione following grimly in my wake.

Ah, I love it. As I said—already has a good grasp of Occlumency and Legilimency.

Reminds you of someone, doesn’t it?

It amuses me to no end that this was written pre-HBP.

Onward!

ETA: Just a reminder--there are three chapters available of Hogwarts Exposed. 22-24 are not taken yet. Thanks!

comments: Poke a delusional shipper

May 12th, 2006

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