![[icon]](http://www.journalfen.net/userpic/67365/9138) |
The HMS STFU - Hogwarts Exposed: Chapter 1
|
| | Subject: | Hogwarts Exposed: Chapter 1 | | Time: | 12:06 pm |
|
| Author's Note: reinderrocr wanted to spork Hogwarts Exposed, but there were no chapters left, so I offered to share my chapter. And we had a lot of fun. Characters come from his webcomic, Rogues of Clwyd-Rhan and from my webcomic-in-planning, "Tales from the Captain's Secret Log". Hope you enjoy!
Theme music starts up: It's the Blake's 7 theme, rearranged for kettle drums and banjos.
Announcer: These are the Voyages of the H.M.S. Redshirt as it travels throughout the galaxy, boldly going where no man with any sense and any ability to navigate a ship has gone before. For that matter, no man with any sense and ability to navigate a ship has gone there even after they've been there - but I digress. We join Captain Algernon, the old, experienced, but somewhat senile leader -
Captain Algernon: Hey!
Announcer: Ensign Henry, his stupid apprentice -
Ensign Henry: *grumbles*
Announcer: Engineer Thorvald, the red-bearded space-dwarf who's probably the only reason they're still alive after the number of times they've crashed -
Engineer Thorvald: Don't know what you two are grumbling about.
Announcer: And their redshirted, scruffy, smelly, and black-bearded janitor, Jebediah, who we still haven't quite managed to kill off yet. Have every hope for this episode, though!
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Dagnabbit!
Announcer: ...After they have crash-landed on a small Earth-like planet. Again.
Captain Algernon: *into a small recording device on his lapel* Stardate Two Thousand and Seventeen. The H.M.S Redshirt has crashed again - Dagnabbed Henry, can't quite get his orbiting technique down - on a primitive planet that seems very much like Mediaeval Wales, and, unfortunately, we have been mistaken for bandits by an over-conscientious sheriff. His means of extracting confessions must never be allowed to reach the rest of the galaxy.
Tamlin: Primitive? Who're you calling primitive? Didn't you see the magnificent horse collar on the cart that brought you here? Yer right about the Sheriff though. He's a nasty piece of work, him. ...Man, don't these stocks chafe?
Engineer Thorvald: Will you be quiet? Bad enough without having you witterin' on!
Tamlin: *ignores Thorvald* Last time we was here he had one of his men do a striptease for us. I told him EVERYTHING. It was all lies, of course, but the deputy took pity on us anyway, and let us go. He's been sacked now though.
Captain Algernon: Ah. So one means of escape already blocked to us. Pity. *Continues into his lapel* With us are a fat, smelly bandit, a white-haired dwarf, a fat woman with a pointy hat, and a petite redhead in a dress too short for the period. We are particularly wary of the last one.
Tamlin: We do have names, you know. I'm Tamlin, the gnome is called Jake - unless you want to try and pronounce his Gnomian name - the witch is called Atra and that's Kel. She's actually mostly harmless.
Captain Algernon: *continuing* And, as my engineer says, they do witter on.
Tamlin: Well, we didn't get an intro, did we? Or a theme tune.
Enter Sheriff Hogsworth, a tall, thin man with a pointy beard, his face unmarked by laughter lines.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Nice to see you again, my friends. I've got a treat for you! Are you familiar with the 21st-Century pop culture phenomenon known as Harry Potter? Thought so. With sales like hers, J.K. Rowling has taken her literary success across the borders of space and time, if only because there was no one left at her point in the continuum who hadn't bought the books. Now.... are you familiar with fanfiction? Ah.... I can tell from the looks of horror on your faces that you are. Good. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then let's begin.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Dagnabbit!
Sheriff Hogsworth: Hogwarts Exposed, Chapter One. "Memories of the Way We Were"....
Tamlin: (in a stage whisper) I'm lucky I have this...
*Tamlin sticks the end of a tube in his mouth. The other end reaches under his shirt.*
Tamlin: Turning it into a drinking game might just make it bearable. I'll make up the rules as I go along.
Engineer Thorvald: ...You have no intention of sharing, do you?
Tamlin: Only got one tube, sorry.
Engineer Thorvald: Ah. Damn.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Summary: The Covenant of Three defeated Voldemort at the end of their seventh year. It is now five years later and Ron and Harry are about to re-enter Hermione's life, along with a fifth year student that reminds her of someone special from her past.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Covenant of Three? What the bugger's that supposed to be?
Captain Algernon: Shush. He might tell us.
1st Guard: Do we want to witness this? Can we leave now and come back for the gloating at the end? I like gloating.
2nd Guard: Sorry. Comes with the job, I'm afraid.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Author's Notes: The defeat of Voldemort is credited to Mists of Time by Nightfall. The abilities and disabilities of the characters, along with their fifth and sixth year history are credited to The Psychic Serpent Trilogy by Barb Purdom.
Tamlin: Hey, I read bits from that. It was bad but survivable.
Kel: Survivable?
Tamlin: Well, I didn't gnaw my legs off, did I?
Captain Algernon: IT'S A FANFIC OF TWO SEPERATE FANFICS??? AND CANON ATOP THAT?
Kel: That makes it meta-fanfic.
Engineer Thorvald: Now... if I can just aim the cryogenic gun on my belt so it hits my foot.... *fiddles with the twenty-seven rayguns on his belt.*
Kel: WATCH OUT WHERE YOU POINT THOSE THINGS!
Sheriff Hogsworth: I'll have those, if you don't mind.
Engineer Thorvald: Oh, surely we'll all beg for the sweet release of d- Hey! Give those back! They're above your tech level!
*Thorvald's trousers fall down.*
Sheriff Hogsworth: Muahahaha! *Beckons at the guards*
Guards: Er. Oh. Muahahaha!
Engineer Thorvald: ....And the belt's holding up my trousers...
Sheriff Hogsworth: Anyway: Chapter One: Memories of the Way We Were
Ensign Henry: Before our brains dribbled out our ears from this tale?
Kel: *to Thorvald* At least you're from a culture that has underpants.
Captain Algernon: ...Ah, er, is that part of this culture's primitiveness, or just of its sexiness?
Kel: I'm not feeling sexy today. You, Tamlin?
Captain Algernon: ...Not that I want to see the dwarf without his underwear.
Tamlin: I find sitting in stocks sucking beer from a tube a bit of a turnoff, yeah.
Sheriff Hogsworth: *with a sinister grin* Saturday, August 30, 2003
As Professor Hermione Granger located an empty compartment and was seated, her mind wandered back to her first ride on the Hogwarts Express, twelve years prior. Has it really only been twelve years? It seems like a lifetime ago, she thought to herself. It's amazing how something as insignificant as searching for a lost toad can change you life forever.
Captain Algernon: Quite. You could meet people who hate your rather bossy attitude, who would later be your friends. Not that not having met them then would have made much difference - they might have liked her better under better circumstances.
Jake: Permission to get one hand free to stroke my beard!
Sheriff Hogsworth: Denied.
Atra: Why did she have to look for the toad anyway? Toads is easy. I could crank 'em out all day long without breaking a sweat.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Can toads understand human speech?
Atra: Next time I see one, I'll ask.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: ...If it gets any worse, feel free to use me to find out.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Hermione Granger's life had indeed changed the day she opened that compartment door and met Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. Little did she suspect then that those two nervous eleven-year-old boys would end up as her best friends; nor could she ever have envisioned the adventures they would share together.
Tamlin: Why is whoever wrote this telling us this?
Sheriff Hogsworth: It's strange how one's perception of events changes as time passes. Who would ever think that being chased by a mountain troll and nearly killed in a girls' toilet could become fond memories. And who in their right mind would ever wish they could be trapped in Devil's Snare again or be a living piece in a game of Wizard's Chess?
Tamlin: Why. Are. They. Telling. Us. This?
Captain Algernon: ...It's a subtle hint. Who in their right mind would ever wish? Clearly, Hermione's not in her right mind: Anyway, she wasn't trapped in the Devil's Snare. That was Harry and Ron. So she's clearly a pod-person, like the one in the movies.
Tamlin: I'm a 10th-century bandit who wouldn't recognise a girls' toilet if it mugged him in a dark alley, but even I know how the original story went. There are anaerobic bacteria living five miles under the sea who know how that story went.
Sheriff Hogsworth: The memories of those seven years with Harry and Ron constantly crept into her mind. If only she could turn back time and experience again those wonderful years. If only she could be a child again and be with Harry and Ron, but sadly a time turner can only turn back time a few hours, a day at most, but it won't allow one to relive her life and correct the mistakes she's made. And most sadly, Hermione reflected, it can't bring back people or restore friendships lost years ago.
Tamlin: Pointless exposition, one sip. *Slurp*.
Ensign Henry: Harry Potter: That's the one that disappointed fans by having Voldemort be defeated by the power of Harry's True Love for Rubeus Hagrid? With the whole R.A.B. tattoo on Hagrid's arse and all?
Captain Algernon: Shush, Henry. I don't think they've got the seventh book here yet.
Kel: We rely on this pan-temporal half-elf to bring the books around to our time. Only thing she's good for, to be honest. And she hasn't brought book 7 yet. Is it any good?
Algernon/Jebediah/Henry/Thorvald: *eye Kel*
Captain Algernon: ...Er, well, it really depends. It turns out half the batshit theories were correct. Except the Harry/Hermione one.
Kel: Ah. A bit like Doctor Who in that respect.
Ensign Henry: We're kind of hoping that our copy got corrupted by that portal to Bizarro World.
Sheriff Hogsworth: If the Short Attention Span Club could please pay attention while I'm torturing them, please, thank you?
Space-Janitor Jebediah: And the bit where the Death Eaters are shown to be all classy and in the ri- *A guard pokes Jebediah and Tamlin with a pointy stick.* OW!!!! Dagnabbit! No extra torture!
1st Guard: Mwahaha.
Sheriff Hogsworth: AS I WAS SAYING: Hermione Granger finished Hogwarts with the highest marks ever achieved by a student since the founding of the school over one thousand years ago. She was believed by many in the wizard world to be the smartest witch alive. Clever with books, but stupid when it comes to life choices, Hermione thought to herself. All these years and not so much as an owl from either one of them; how could I have been so stupid?
Captain Algernon: So... er... Hermione's ridiculously intelligent, then? Got it.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Professor Granger tried to bring herself back to reality by going over her lecture notes, but had little success. Thinking of teaching Transfiguration just reminded her of the circumstances surrounding her receiving the position. It all started when the centaur, Firenze, had interpreted that Harry, Ron and she were the three proclaimed by the prophecy to be the Coven that could defeat the Dark Lord.
Kel: Is that what it takes to teach transfiguration?
Captain Algernon: ...Evidently. And so much for Centaur-Prophecies not dealing with individuals.
Kel: That's my job prospects down the crapper then.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Nearly one third of the wizard population in England had died due to the war. It was declared, by the members of the Order of the Phoenix, that the Coven should immediately seek out Voldemort and destroy him, no matter what the cost. Harry had fought for Ron and Hermione to stay behind, as he feared greatly for their safety.
Atra: Which of the three is the crone?
Kel: Yeah. You need a maiden, a mother and a crone for a proper coven.
Captain Algernon: Depends. What's the pairing?
Ensign Henry: More importantly, who's the mother, and please say it's not Harry or Ron. Nearly got impregnated once with Thorvald's child, and the thought of all that still gives me nightmares. Damn planet Mpreg.
Engineer Thorvald: Well, Hermione mothers Harry a bit....
Kel: I can totally see Harry as a maiden, so that leaves Ron.
Ensign Thorvald: A Warrior Maiden? Could buy that.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Hermione long suspected that Harry looked upon the final battle between Voldemort and himself as a personal one,
Tamlin: What, just because Voldemort deep-sixed his parents? How immature.
Captain Algernon: Well, being marked by Voldemort as the only one who can defeat him rather gives that impression, doesn't it?
Tamlin: Aye, it does.
Sheriff Hogsworth: and that he didn't want to risk any others.The Order insisted that Voldemort could only be defeated by the combined efforts of the trio.
Ensign Henry: ...How would they know?
Tamlin: And was it up to them to insist?
Kel: "We insist that the trio defeats Voldemort. Not the duo, and certainly not the quartet."
Ensign Henry: For only Mozart's Trio in Eb can defeat him! ...We have no bloody idea why, but it's probably another stupid prophecy.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: IT'S A SONGFIC?!?! Toad. Now.
Atra: Alright. Brace for impact.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: I'm in bloody stocks! How can I be more braced?
*Atra tries to take aim but as her hands are tied, she can't quite manage to and hits one of the guards instead.*
3rd Guard: Croak.
Space Janitor Jebediah: ...Dagnabbit.
Sheriff Hogsworth: It had been foreseen that Harry would die if he battled Voldemort alone, and with his death, any chance of defeating the Dark Lord would be lost.
Captain Algernon: Of course, it was foreseen by Hagrid whilst he was deep in his cups and feeling rather worried about Harry, but...
Sheriff Hogsworth: Realizing that he couldn't persuade the Order otherwise, Harry insisted that for their protection the families Ron and Hermione be moved into the castle at Hogwarts. As soon as they were safe, the members of the covenant were given gifts by the Order, gifts that would aid them in the coming battle. Harry had been given the sword, Excalibur. Ron received the Staff of Merlin, and Hermione carried the orb of Mab.
Tamlin: Only one of Mab's orbs? She had two magnificent... damn, can't make the hand gestures now.
Captain Algernon: Eh, Mab was angry enough when she had one of her breasts stolen. Would you go after the other lovely jiggling lump?
Jake: Are you telling me Hermione defeated Voldemort with the help of a big tit?
Captain Algernon: Yep. And if this is a Harmonian fic like it looks to be, then the tit's Ron.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Dumbledore had referred to trio more than once as the Heart, the Mind and the Soul. Due to the obscure nature of the spells and charms that bound the three of them, some personal questions had needed to be asked.
Captain Algernon: Or Dumbledore was just a dirty old man.
Tamlin: I still don't get why they're telling us all this.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Hermione was more than a little embarrassed when she was asked if Harry and her had ever been together intimately.
Tamlin: Aha. They're telling us all this to satisfy their pru-ree-ent in-trest.
Ensign Henry: Quite.
Sheriff Hogsworth: But on answering yes, she was told that in order for this quest to be successful, it was necessary for the Heart and Mind to have been joined.
Captain Algernon: Why, then? Because Teenage Pregnancy is a most holy and remunerative gift unto the gods of bad plot devices?
Sheriff Hogsworth: The embarrassment didn't stop there though as she had to face Ron, after answering, knowing that the two of them hadn't ever been intimate. The fact that Ron already knew about Harry and Hermione's relationship during the fifth year did little to lessen the redness that Hermione could feel on her face.
Ensign Henry: ... Er... You have gotten the fifth book here, haven't you? Because knowing Harry was annoyed by Hermione a lot during his fifth year.... just doesn't seem that embarrassing.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Dumbledore never answered her questions about what would've happened if Harry and she had not been together. She even muttered under her breath that they probably would've been required to perform the duty with witnesses. Nor did he answer when she asked what would've happened if Ron and she had been as intimate as she and Harry were.
Captain Algernon: But it would have no doubt doomed them all... or put them in a far better story.
Jake: One feels the author would have liked that 'required to perform the duty with witnesses' scenario to have happened.
Captain Algernon: ... Tamlin, take a drink. I think he's right. And authors being pervy is worth a drink.
Tamlin: Oh, yeah. *Slurp*
Sheriff Hogsworth: Now thinking back on it, and with the aid of hindsight, she was glad that Harry and she had the cherished relationship when they did. It had given her very fond memories to look back on.
The defeat of Voldemort certainly wasn't simple and without the gifts, it would have been impossible. But defeat him, they did. After his essence was banished into oblivion, the trio returned to Hogwarts.
Tamlin: Hish esshenshe wash banished into oblivion?
Engineer Thorvald: I suppose that the climactic end of the series isn't worth much more than that. And could someone hitch my trousers back up? It's a bit draughty in here.
Story: Imagine how the characters in my later chapters feel!
Captain Algernon: Er... Did that paper just talk?
Ensign Henry: ...Interesting. a story so awful it gained a malevolent intelligence.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Indeed, my lucky duckies.
Engineer Thorvald: Fascinating.
Story: Malevolent intelligence? Try shrill unholy madness.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: GYAH! Someone get me away from these idiotic fools who would doom us all!
Sheriff Hogsworth: Let's proceed. They knew the wizard world could finally rejoice.
Kel: 'Ere, this does go on a bit, doesn't it?
Ensign Henry: Wizard world... weren't we there a few epis- er, weeks ago? The one that kept casting nature spells at the other planets in its solar system?
Tamlin: I thought it was a comics convention.
Tamlin: I mean, I shought it wash a comicsh convenshion. Who replaced my beer with Bavaria Malt?
Sheriff Hogsworth: They were, at last, free of the constant dread of the Dark Lord. None of them could keep the smiles off their faces as they grew closer and closer to their school and families.
Those smiles were quickly replaced with frowns and then looks of fear and anguish. For as they approached Hogwarts, instead of seeing a great celebration, they all witnessed the true face of war in it's stark reality.
Smoke was rising from the ruble that had once been the location of the Great Hall. Voldemort had ordered a Death Eater attack on Hogwarts shortly before he'd been destroyed. The Headmaster and two of the professors had lost their lives in the attack, along with twenty-one students.
Captain Algernon: Surely which professors it was would be somewhat relevant to mention?
Engineer Thorvald: Bet one's Hagrid. They love killing him off so they don't have to write his accent.
Tamlin: And Slughorn. Because the fat one always snuffs it.
Captain Algernon: *eyes himself and Tamlin* ...I don't really like that logic.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Six other people had also been killed. Both Hermione's and Ron's parents had been killed along with two of Ron's sisters.
Ensign Henry: Ron has TWO sisters?
Sheriff Hogsworth: Harry blamed himself for their deaths because it was at his insistence that they had taken refuge in the castle.
A service was held and the hillside beyond the Quidditch field was turned into a memorial cemetery to honor those who had lost their lives. Harry didn't attend. When Hermione returned to her room she found a simple note on her bed.
Kel: Well, at least we'll be spared the Ginny hatred if she croaks early in the fic.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Muahaha.
Sheriff Hogsworth: When someone destroys what is most precious to the ones he loves, that someone no longer deserves their love or friendship. I can never give you back what I have caused to be taken from you and I cannot bear to look at your faces and know that I am responsible for the grief displayed upon them. I will love you both always. I know the love you have for each other will see you through this time of grief and that together you will in time find happiness.
Captain Algernon: And it did. The End.
Kel: Whew. That wasn't so bad. Ahem. Fiend, your plans have failed, now let us out of these stocks!
Space-Janitor Jebediah: ...I have to use the privy.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Oh, It goes on. We're barely a third of the way through the first chapter. MWAHAHAHA!
Jebediah, Algernon, Thorvald, and Henry: NOOOOOOO!!!
Kel/Tamlin/Atra/Jake: Damn!
Captain Algernon: You really need to work on your simultaneous wails of anguish. I mean, "Damn"? Ain't half so dramatic.
Sheriff Hogsworth: All my love forever.
Engineer Thorvald: But only to you. Not to my best friend Ron, who I don't think I'll bother to write.
Sheriff Hogsworth: It was signed Harry. Hermione ran as fast as she could to his room, but to her despair she found he was already gone.
Hermione lowered her head to her cupped hands. Tears came to her eyes. She missed Ron and Harry. Remembering such times only increased the pain and sorrow the separation had caused. Unexpectedly, she was shocked back to the present with a loud rapping on the glass of the compartment door.
The lovely red haired girl on the other side of the window said, "Can I join you?"
Ensign Henry: But... but... she's dead.
Captain Algernon: ...So what Weasleys died, then?
Jake: What kind of description is that? "The lovely red haired girl"?
Engineer Thorvald: I don't know. You seem to have one. *tries to flirt with Kel*
Captain Algernon: No flirting before the Captain gets a chance.
Sheriff Hogsworth: I'll spare you the rather ditzy conversation between Ginny and Hermione. You seem to have someone who can supply such things for me.
Jake: So that was Ginny? And there was no big hate orgy?
Sheriff Hogsworth: Oh, no. That comes later.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Let's resume. "Actually, Professor, I'm traveling to the same place you are," Ginny said. "You're looking at the new Muggle Studies professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I assume we both took the train for the same reason, fond memories."
Tamlin: *snort* Sorry, choking on my beer.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Hermione tried to hide the shocked expression she was sure covered her face. "You are going to teach Muggle Studies? Ginny, don't hate me for saying this, but what do you know about the Muggle World?"
"First, Hermione, I could never hate you
Ensign Henry: The author won't allow it.
Hogsworth: and second, I've become rather knowledgeable about Muggles. You know that my father always had a love for Muggle inventions. Well, after I left Hogwarts, I really didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I decided to learn all I could about the muggles and figured the best way to do it was to actually live in their world." A look of pride washed over her friend's face, "You, Professor Granger, are looking at a graduate of New York University."
Kel: Go Ginny!
Sheriff Hogsworth: Hermione couldn't avoid showing a combination of pride and envy.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: You already said a look of pride washed over Ginny's friend's face. So why're yer describin' it again? And what's Hermione so proud of?
Sheriff Hogsworth: She had planned on going to a Muggle University herself after completing Hogwarts. Her parents had always dreamed of her becoming a doctor
Captain Algernon: Never mind that healers can do far more than muggle doctors. Don't see muggles of that century regrowin' lost bones, do you? But wizards get the stuff in pre-made jars. Anyway, Hermione'd be an awful doctor. Loses her head in a crisis. Probably end up whipping out her wand and healing the feller instantly, then have to obliviate everyone.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Will you lot keep it down? *angrily* and in memory of them she had wanted to fulfill that dream. However, when Professor McGonagall asked her to take over as Transfiguration Professor, she had found it impossible to turn her down. Not only was it an extreme honor to be offered such a position directly out of school, but also she had such respect for Minerva that it was impossible to say no, especially after her former teacher had almost died saving the lives of two students during the devastation. "Congratulations, Ginny. I'm so proud of you, but then you did finish first in your class, so I shouldn't be surprised.
Captain Algernon: We are, though. I mean, she's a Weasley. Why's the author bein' nice to her?
Sheriff Hogsworth: It's certainly going to be nice to have another woman on the staff. I've felt extremely out numbered these last few years and now with Minerva retiring there would be even one less woman on the faculty."
Captain Algernon: Providing one less woman for the author to imagine naked?
Sheriff Hogsworth: Ginny interrupted, "Knowing that I'd be teaching along side you is one of the reasons I decided to take the job when it was offered by Professor Snape. Hermione, we were such good friends and then ... well when Harry broke up with you and well I know he dated Katie for awhile, but ..."
"Ginny, it's all right. I know what you're trying to say. Harry and I, well I guess it must have been all hormones. We were just so comfortable with each other and I suppose I just convinced myself I was in love with him. Harry, on the other hand, should have broken up with me much sooner. Not once did he tell me he loved me, probably because he never really did. Ginny, I don't blame you for our breakup. And yes, there is nothing more I'd rather see happen than us become good friends again.
Captain Algernon: Ah, good... for a while there, I thought this was some sort of Harmoanian story. Good to see I was wrong.
*Jake manages, without using his hands, to create the impression that he is stroking his beard.*
Jake: So far, so... bland.
Engineer Thorvald: Impressive beardwork there. Must teach me if we survive this.
Sheriff Hogsworth: It's been so lonely with out Harry and..." Hermione hesitated before saying, "Ron."
Jake: *tries to parse that sentence* Aha! It's been so lonely with out Harry! Harry's has come out as a big gay man-bonking homo!
Tamlin: Good for him.
Ensign Henry: And Hermione's upset he's dating Ron?
Jake: Well, it does say "Out Harry and... Ron" so yeah, it's possible.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: ...Can we try that toad again?
*Atra hits another guard with her toad-spell*
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Dagnabbit, can't yer aim for the Sheriff if you're going to hit someone else?
*Hogsworth walks over to a spot behind the stocks*
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Dagnabbit, too late now. And I just know this is goin' to hurt. *tries to look behind him at Hogsworth. Can't, of course.*
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Hermione, no one blames you. Ron was a total arse and the whole world knows it. He just let the whole bloody Quidditch thing go to his head. Maybe if he had never made the team, things would have been different between you two."
Captain Algernon: ...I see the Weasley siblings have maintained a close bond, strengthened by their trials. Or would have, if the author wasn't an arse.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "I was disgusted to have him as my brother. What did the headline in the Daily Prophet read? 'WEASLEY SCORES 85 IN A ROW!' Then the text went on to quote Ron as having said he wouldn't be satisfied until he scored at least two hundred. When I first read it, I was totally confused because Keepers don't score points. Then when I saw the pictures of all the girls, I realized they weren't talking about Quaffles through a hoop it was about how many different women he had shagged in a row."
Tamlin: *Slurp*
Captain Algernon: That's a... rather over the top way of breaking up Ron and Hermione. And can't really see Ginny brutally attacking her brother like that without cause.
Tamlin: I'll bet the author is setting the dialogue up for a bawdy pun.
Captain Algernon: I think he thought he already had one.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Dagnabbit, you! If you had turned him into a toad when YEAUGHARGHOW! *is wedgied*
1st Guard: Mwahaha!
Space-Janitor Jebediah: *high-pitched* And I still have to use the privy...
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Another quaffle through a different hoop, perhaps?" Hermione said, the sarcasm edging her voice. "The money, the fame...we know which head that all went to. He definitely got the publicity he'd always envied Harry of having.
Tamlin: Definitely.
Kel: Indubitably.
Jake: Distinctly.
Atra: So which head did it all go to?
Ensign Henry: The Head of Finance?
Captain Algernon: ...If we escape this, Henry, remind me to take you to the Planet of Nymphomaniacs. They're bearded dwarven women, but you learn to cope.
Sheriff Hogsworth: He never apologized; do you realize that? Never an 'I'm sorry, Hermione'. He just walked out of my life without so much as a goodbye. Harry, at least, left a note."
Ginny moved to the other side of the compartment next to Hermione and embraced her tightly, not at all fooled by the amusement Hermione had attempted to convey. "Well, at least the devil got his due."
Tamlin: That's 19% VAT on all souls.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Ginny, even Ron didn't deserve that. As much as he hurt me as a girlfriend, I can't hate him. He was a wonderful friend for seven years. If he came to me today and just apologized, I'd lean over backwards to get that friendship back. Oh! Don't get me wrong," Hermione exclaimed,noticing the odd look on Ginny's face. "I would never, ever, think of him romantically again,
Captain Algernon: Yep. Because Harry should do what's right, not what's Weasley, and, well, she's the smartest witch who ever lived, so her results prove she's almost always right. Course, leaning over backwards is a bit suggestive... Maybe she'd skip the romance and go right to sex?
Sheriff Hogsworth: but I miss the closeness we had. Ron, Harry and I had a special bond."
Tamlin: Thanks to which we survived the dot.com bust.
Captain Algernon: Are you sure you're from the 10th Century?
Sheriff Hogsworth: "I guess he would have made it to two hundred if it hadn't been for that championship game that lasted four days," Ginny said. "He had to know what would happen when moonrise came, but he was just too stubborn to quit and kept on playing."
Ensign Henry: ...What the hell does moonrise matter? If this is some damn random plot point again....
Tamlin: *Sluuuuuuurp*
Engineer Thorvald: What's that one for?
Tamlin: Ekshposhishion
Captain Algernon: The Exposition was crappy. Put that sip back.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Were you at that game, Ginny?" Hermione questioned.
"Yes, I didn't really want to go, but Fred and George had insisted. 'He's your brother', they said. It's the championship game. More importantly, the tickets are free. So we went, and on the fourth day the sun set and Ron turned into a werewolf.
Ensign Henry: Fascinating: Three days without the sun setting. An unknown astronomical phenomenon.
Atra: A miracle!
Captain Algernon: Or bad writing.
Sheriff Hogsworth: I'll never forget the look on that poor Chaser's face when Ron went after her. Sometimes I have nightmares about it and wake up hearing her screams. It took ten Aurors to get him off of her. Till this day I don't know how they avoided being bitten, too. But by the time the Aurors had subdued him it was too late. His bite had nearly severed the poor girl's leg and she had gone into shock."
Engineer Thorvald: *snores*
*Guards poke Thorvald with pointy sticks*
Engineer Thorvald: OW! OW OW! Not up the arse!!! Damn you ! Was having a nice dream about cryogenically freezing the author of this shite and selling him to one of them alien frozen meals companies.
Guards: Mwahaha!
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Did anyone from the family ever try to talk to her?" Hermione questioned.
Tamlin: ...questioningly.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "I tried, but she wanted nothing to do with anyone who bore the name Weasley.
Tamlin: Blood feuds. That makes sense.
Captain Algernon: Or, as a right-thinking Harmonian, she knew to shun them.
Tamlin: Just like nobody wants to talk to my brother the highly respected abbot because I'm a bandit. Or my other brother the poet and philosopher. Perfectly sensible behaviour if you ask me.
Captain Algernon: You have a poetic brother?
Tamlin: Or my other brother the lawyer. Mind you, a lot of people hate him anyway.
Captain Algernon: ...Just promise you won't quote any of the poems.
Tamlin: Not even the ribald ones?
Captain Algernon: Oh, they're fine. As long as we can't hear HIM over them.
Tamlin: HIM won't be touring here in the next ten or so centuries.
Captain Algernon: Eh?
Sheriff Hogsworth: I couldn't blame her. She's a beautiful girl. I imagine up till then she had to fight the boys off. Just eighteen years old and she had the most beautiful long blonde hair and her figure, she'd even give you competition."
The fact that Ginny paid her such a nice complement in the middle of such a serious conversation caught Hermione quite off guard and she turned a bright red.
Engineer Thorvald: No, no, no! Just saying it caught her off guard, and talking about how nice it was DOESN'T GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO IT! It's damn bad writing! And admitting it is don't help!
Kel: Wait, you mean to say they're gonna make out next?
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Now her life will never be the same," Hermione said sadly.
Engineer Thorvald: ARRRRRRGH!!!!!!!! THE CLICHÉS!!!!!
Captain Algernon: Wait, they are? *grins as he goes off into a lusty lesbian love-dream*
Sheriff Hogsworth: Ahem.
Captain Algernon: *is wedgied* YEAUGHH!
Sheriff Hogsworth: "No, the court, besides sending Ron to Azkaban for four years, liquidated all his assets and gave them to her, but her life was ruined.
Ensign Henry: Well, suppose that makes sense. Run about killing people like Lucius Malfoy, Azkhaban alone. Be a filthy Weasley and mar someone's good looks... Go back to abject poverty you bastard. Weasleys don't deserve nice things.
Sheriff Hogsworth: What good is money when the world shuns you? Most werewolves at least have the benefit of being able to hide what they are from the public. This poor girl had her face spread all over the wizard press. She can't walk down a street without someone recognizing her."
Kel: That's one bad mauling if she had her face spread all over.
Captain Algernon: So? She's rich. If she's that upset about having sympathetic people see her, move to another country where it wasn't so heavily reported. New Zealand, if you don't mind the evil sheep, say.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Ginny, isn't Ron due to get out of Azkaban soon?"
"Yes," she said, nodding her head, "he's scheduled to be released next Wednesday"
Captain Algernon: That's another shot, I think. Wooden expository dialogue.
Tamlin: Oh yeah. I was about to fall into a coma. Uh, not from the beer, you'll understand. From this GODBORINGAWFULLYBORINGDULLBORINGFICBORINGBORINGBORING
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Oh! Have you talked to him? What are his plans?" Hermione inquired.
Kel: Hermione inquired, expositionally.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "I haven't talked to him, but George and Fred have. They say he's changed a lot. Not at all the same Ron we knew.
Captain Algernon: *interrupting Hogsworth* from the books. He's an absolute bastard.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Fred and George have offered him a job managing their store in Hogsmeade until he gets on his feet."
Hermione's face turned as white as the blouse she was wearing. "He's going to be here? Here in Hogsmeade?"
Engineer Thorvald: Make up your mind, woman! You want to see him or not! If you're so afraid of someone who did nothing worse than forget the disease the author foisted on him and sleep around a.... *pauses* Oh, aye. Could someone whap me? Forgot that non-Harmonian sex is inherently evil.
*The guards oblige with a large paddle to the arse*
Engineer Thorvald: YEEOUCH!
Tamlin: *Slurp*. I'll be running out of beer before the story even begins at this rate. Oy, Hoggie! How much longer?
Sheriff Hogsworth: This one has 24 chapters. And two sequels. And the ...author... is making more.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Yes." Ginny answered. From the look on Hermione's face, it was Ginny's turn to change the topic of discussion. "What do you think Severus Snape will be like as a Headmaster?" "Oh! Ginny, I don't know what to say? Sometimes it's almost as if he's developed multiple personalities.
Captain Algernon: One misunderstood and emo, and the other sexy and evil.
Tamlin: Are you sneek-peaking ahead, Algernon? If so, for God's sake, why?
Captain Algernon: ...God, I hope not. I thought I was joking.
Sheriff Hogsworth: You do have the option of talking at this point. Just plead guilty to all charges and we'll just execute you swiftly.
Captain Algernon: ...You SURE you can't turn him into a toad?
Tamlin: How swiftly?
Sheriff Hogsworth: Well our executioners haven't got the, er, hang of long-drop hanging yet, but ...
Tamlin: Still, tempting.
Captain Algernon: ...Yes....
Sheriff Hogsworth: HOWEVER.... Because I'm a sadistic, evil bastard who hates your guts, I'll continue.
Engineer Thorvald: ...Damn you.
Sheriff Hogsworth: I feel so sorry for him. First he loses Lily to Harry's father. Then after all those lonely years, he falls in love with your sister only to lose her so tragically.
Engineer Thorvald: Dammit, what Sister? He's changing this book from fifth year on? Fine. She was born in Harry's Fifth year, then. So she was two when she died. THAT MAKES THE HEADMASTER A PAEDOPHILE.
Captain Algernon: ...You're making it worse.
Tamlin: Maybe it was fatherly love. Maybe Snape was secretly the daddy of all the Weasleys. I'm clutching at straws, you'll understand. *Slurp*.
Sheriff Hogsworth: You were there that first year after her death. What was he like in class?"
"He certainly wasn't the Professor Snape that taught you," Ginny answered. "It was like he was there, but just going through the motions. He seemed like he didn't care anymore. Oh yes, he taught the class, but he was completely calm and quiet. It was like he was some sort of zombie from an American horror picture. He didn't yell. I don't even recall him taking house points away the entire year."
Tamlin: So Snape has changed into a character who is almost entirely, but not quite completely, unlike Snape? Gotcha.
Captain Algernon: On the upside, it probably gave the students lots of chances to play pranks on him without fear of retribution.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Well, now he's a different person every day," responded Hermione. "You never know what to expect from him. One day he can be so pleasant and very personable. The next day he's mean and miserable. Day after that he looks so sad and lonely that you feel like you have to take him in your arms and hug him as tight as you can."
Kel: ...crushing his ribcage.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Hey! Hold on, girl. Sounds to me like someone has developed a little crush on old Snapie." Ginny wiggled her eyebrows at Hermione.
"No, it's not like that at all, Ginny," Hermione said, blushing brightly. "He is an attractive man and honestly, we have taken in a few shows together, but purely as colleagues. It was totally platonic. I could never picture myself in a relationship with Severus."
Tamlin: Ah, platonic love.
Tamlin. I'll bet it was platonic with baby-Weasley as well then.
Captain Algernon: Oh, dear. And you know what the Harmonians said about platonic, right? Evidently there's a bit in one of Plato's books - where he's quoting Aristophanes, not his mentor, Socrates - But it talks about divided souls, and each one searching for the other half. So, even though that's not at all a part of Plato's philosophy, PLATONIC MEANS SEX! ...If you're an idiot.
Tamlin: With another man! Or a boy! Because they were all Greeks!
Captain Algernon: *grinning* So, Tell me, would you describe your relationship with - Jake, wasn't it? - as Platonic?
Jake: We shag like monkeys in between stories, so yes.
*Algernon blinks.*
Tamlin: Jake! That was supposed to be our little secret!
Captain Algernon: ...Er, right.
*Hogsworth blinks.*
Sheriff Hogsworth: *after a moment's pause to recover* "Well, I sure could. When he was dating my sister he really took care of himself. His hair was clean and styled, not oily. He dressed differently; he was drop dead bloody gorgeous. There were many a night when I fell asleep thinking about him."
Tamlin: So Snape has changed into a character who is almost entirely, but not quite completely, unlike Snape? Gotcha.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Virginia Weasley! I can't believe my ears." Hermione said, shocked by her friend's words,
Tamlin: I can't believe those ears either. How did they get so huge?
Engineer Thorvald: And, anyway, you're not supposed to reveal any base physical attraction. Sex is only holy and noble when the two involved hate the sight of each other.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Believe them. Ginny Weasley isn't that timid shy little girl you knew, anymore."
Captain Algernon: ...Dwarf... sex...
Jake: I believe we've got his mind off the story. Lucky, lucky bastard.
Engineer Thorvald: *to Algernon* Try it and I choose a raygun at random. And I think this is the author hinting that Ginny changed into a slut from Order of the Phoenix on.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Once again she changed the subject. "Do you do the same Animagus trick to start your first year class that McGonagall did? I nearly peed my pants the first day of classes when that cat jump off the desk and transformed into old McGonagall."
Hermione blinked once and shook herself slightly, attempting to adjust to Ginny's frankness before answering the other woman's question. "I tried that my second year, but it didn't work out quite as successfully for me as it did for Minerva. The first years were too frightened to enter the classroom. It seems a wolf lying on the professor's desk is a bit more intimidating than a cat.
Tamlin: ...
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Since when the hell can she do THAT?!
Kel: Well, she *is* supposed to do transfiguration.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: *grumbles* And is she such an idiot she couldn't realise the difference between a wolf and a cat without trying it out first?
Tamlin: Right. Let's not dwell on this, what with there being so much awful already.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Oh, I nearly forgot to ask. What years will you be instructing in Muggle Studies?""
"First through seventh," Ginny quickly answered.
Engineer Thorvald: ...Muggle Studies is an elective only taught from third year onwards.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Goodness, Ginny, are you sure there are enough hours in the day?"
"Oh," Ginny smiled. "This isn't your normal two or three times a week class. Since there is becoming
Jake: here, and the future is becoming the present,
Sheriff Hogsworth: more and more interaction between the wizard and Muggle worlds, the Board of Governors wanted all years to at least get an introduction to Muggle Studies. They realized it would be difficult to squeeze it into the students' already tight schedules, so the class will only meet once a week with two houses attending at a time. Actually, I'll only have fourteen lessons a week. Professor Snape has even worked out the schedule so that I have no classes after noon on Thursdays."
Tamlin: So she can strut her stuff on the Euston road on Thursday afternoons. That's the most lucrative day, you know.
Captain Algernon: ...I didn't, actually. How do you?
Tamlin: Look, I don't want to add to the exposition.
Captain Algernon: ...Point.
Tamlin: Let's just say I've been in many different lines of business in my younger days.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Now I'm envious," Hermione said, giving Ginny a smile. "Want to trade? My schedule is so full what with Animagus training and all that.
Engineer Thorvald: ...Never make me imagine you naked again.
Tamlin: I wasn't naked!
Engineer Thorvald: Bondage gear ISN'T ANY BETTER!
Tamlin: I had the most lovely black and red silk underthings. And the stockings...
Sheriff Hogsworth: ...No torturing the torturer, please.
Tamlin: Muahaha
Sheriff Hogsworth: *forcefully* "Now I'm envious,' Hermione said,
Engineer Thorvald: *to Tamlin* ...Aww, DAMMIT YOU BASTARD! Hermione... jealous... you... *struggles to get free and beat him up*
All: *glare at Thorvald for mentioning it.*
*A long pause occurs in which terrile things happen to Thorval,d*
Sheriff Hogsworth: Er... giving Ginny a smile. "Want to trade? My schedule is so full what with Animagus training and all that.
Engineer Thorvald: Ow... dammit... Still, poor James, Peter and Sirius. They worked so hard to be Animagi - now the author's just giving it to anyone who wants it, and making it an easy optional course of study. Eight registered animagi in the last several decades? Bah.
Atra: Well that's progress for you. I wouldn't go back to the days before soap was invented meself.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Soap? Who needs the stuff?
Engineer Thorvald: ...You're a janitor.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Yep. But got better cleaning supplies than that. Only use soap in bathing now, and who needs that?
Sheriff Hogsworth: I have no idea when I'm going to prepare lessons and grade tests, let alone sleep."
"Hermione, if you're anything like you were in school, you'll make time. I assume there have been some changes since I left. Who else is on the teaching staff this year besides us?" Ginny asked.
Captain Algernon: Oh, here come the Sues and Stus...
Kel: Saunas and bath whisks *are* better.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Eh?
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Well, of course, you know your brother, Charlie, is returning to teach Care of Magical Creatures
Kel: Better than soap. Soap is bad for the skin.
Engineer Thorvald: No mention of what happened to Hagrid, I see. Bet we'll never get one.
Atra: It's for internal use only.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: But removes the natural effluvi-whasits.
Kel: You can sweat them out.
Sheriff Hogsworth: and unfortunately Trelawney will be roosting in her tower again." Hermione suddenly had a disgusted look on her face.
"You don't like Trelawney, do you?" Ginny asked.
"It's not that I don't like her, it's just that she's so... well fake. I hate that she goes as far as predicting students' deaths. She did it to Harry year after year and now she's doing it to Jamie. It really bothers the poor girl and she's such a gifted student."
Captain Algernon: Who's this Jamie? ....Never mind, don't want to know.
Jake: By the way, Tamlin's a master wielder of the bath whisk.
Sheriff Hogsworth: I. Don't. Want. To. Hear. It.
Captain Algernon: Dammit, stop telling me about your kinky sex with him!
Sheriff Hogsworth: "First name? Sounds a little like she's the teacher's pet," Ginny said, giving Hermione a smirk.
"No, not at all, she is just a very special girl," Hermione answered, rather defensively. "Jamie's at the top of all her classes and like Harry, was made seeker of her Quidditch team in first year. The girl is absolutely beautiful, but doesn't have a conceited or mean bone in her body. You'll love her, believe me."
Tamlin: I'd have another sip if I didn't feel like throwing up. And not in a good way either.
Engineer Thorvald: ...YOU WILL LOVE HER! AND DESPAIR ('cause she's a Sue)!
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Sounds to me like she the product of mixing Harry and Hermione genes." Ginny laughed. "Have you not been telling us something?"
Ensign Henry: Oh, only the best traits of both. Can't get that with base genetics, you know. Have to craft it. And then kill the bastard.
Tamlin: Pity about the screws in her neck though.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Hermione blushed because she often wished she could have a daughter, a daughter exactly like Jamie. Unfortunately the father she wanted for her child wasn't in love with her. In fact, he was no longer even a part of her life.
Captain Algernon: Right, right. when does Hermione adopt her?
Sheriff Hogsworth: Some time between the next chapter and the heat death of the universe. But we'll get there in the end.
*Thorvald whimpers.*
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Well unless you're suggesting that Harry and I conceived a baby when we were both nine years old, I'm afraid that's out of the question. Actually, I've met Jamie's parents. They are very nice people and have another daughter named Emily who will be starting Hogwarts next year. Let's see, where was I? Madam Hooch will be back for flight instruction and Professor Longbottom will once again be teaching Herbology.
Professor Monroe quit as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, so I guess we're back to one-year guest appearances again. I haven't heard who the lucky victim is for this year. As long as it's not another Gilderoy Lockhart type, I imagine we'll be okay."
Engineer Thorvald: Oh, I'm sure NONE of us can guess who the new DADA teacher is.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "Hermione!" Ginny was practically shouting. "Professor Longbottom. Is that Longbottom, as in Neville Longbottom?"
"The very same." Hermione said. "After Professor Sprout was killed, there was some difficulty in filling that position, but Neville started last year and really took to it."
"Is Neville still as good looking as he was your last year?" Ginny asked, suddenly developing a devilish look in her eyes.
Tamlin: LUST! It's vile, evil, loathsome, sloppy lust!
Captain Algernon: WHY IS EVERY BLOODY PERSON IN THIS STORY SUDDENLY BEAUTIFUL?
Sheriff Hogsworth: "No. Actually I think he has gotten even better looking." Hermione said, not able to hold back a snicker. "And you haven't gone after him?' Ginny interrupted "No, Nor will I. Neville and I are close friends, but no more," came Hermione's firm response. "Which sounds better, Hermione? Virginia Snape or Virginia Longbottom?"
Captain Algernon: Virginia Died, I think. Not to be Harmonian, but this clearly isn't Ginevra.
Sheriff Hogsworth: "I'm not sure. How about Virginia Malfoy?" Hermione teasingly responded. "Draco is taking over as Potions Master now that Severus has become headmaster." Ginny Weasley's face flushed as she sputtered, "Draco-- Draco Malfoy is teaching potions?"
Captain Algernon: Oh, yes. The school has managed to overlook his whole attempted-killing-of-the-Headmaster, just like they forgot about Snape's actual-killing-of-the-Headmaster.
Kel: Wow. That's realistic. Of course, that's how promiscuous girls choose their fuck-buddies. On the basis of how good their names will sound after they marry. Wanna write her as a whore? WRITE HER AS A WHORE, not some hare-brained younger sister from a novel Jane Austen threw out for being crap!
Space-Janitor Jebediah: You familiar with whoring, then?
Kel: Long winter evenings, Tamlin likes to tell stories. Wish it was otherwise, I tell ya.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: ...Just so long as they don't involve half-giant gigolos. Don't ask.
Sheriff Hogsworth: End Chapter One. But the author sees fit t tell you about the new wonders in the next exciting chapter: The action gets turned on in chapter two.
Captain Algernon: ...Having been bloody turned off in Chapter One.
Sheriff Hogsworth: I hope you will join me for what promises to be a very revealing chapter.
Captain Algernon: Only if we still haven't escaped.
Sheriff Hogsworth: I'd like to thank Sarah for suggesting I give writing a try
Tamlin: ...and? Where's the apology for how it turned out?
Atra hits Jebediah with a toad-spell, having finally twisted her wrists into the correct position.
Space-Janitor Jebediah: Dag-Croak-it!
* Jebediah hops away.
Captain Algernon: Eh! Jeb! Get back here! No fair running away whilst we're still stuck here: You're the damned Redshirt!
Sheriff Hogsworth: and both Sarah and Andrew for beta reading this chapter.
Engineer Thorvald: ...Badly.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Thanks also to Ryan for Brit-picking. Please be a good reader and review.
Captain Algernon: ...And where should I direct my stream of obscenities?
Hogsworth browses through the next chapter.
Sheriff Hogsworth: Oh, I seem to have inconveniently and accidentally forgotten to stay out of the witch's zapping range!
Atra: Ka-batrachian!
Captain Algernon: ...Wonderful work. NOW HOW THE HELL DO WE GET OUT OF THE STOCKS?
Atra: I hadn't thought of that.
Kel: Toodles *metamorphosises into vegetation, as one does when exposed to Hogswarts Exposed for too long, and slides out of the stocks.*
Engineer Thorvald: *sigh*
Ensign Henry: And she didn't do that before?
Captain Algernon: GET BACK HERE AND FREE US!!!!!
Engineer Thorvald: Or at least pull my trousers up!
Tamlin: Well, our author thought she was getting too Sue-ish, so he's writing her as a ditz now.
Engineer Thorvald: ...Or, you know, don't. I can handle sex.
Tamlin: Well, now...
Engineer Thorvald: *shudders* Not with you.
Captain Algernon: Oh, wonderful.
Atra: Is it just me, or was he asking to be transformed?
Captain Algernon: Probably a pervert.
Tamlin: Nah. It was his sub-conshi-ous begging to be released.
Engineer Thorvald: Er, don't suppose you can get me my rayguns?
*A large tree root bursts through the floor, tossing the rayguns off the table where they're kept. The belt lands in a loop around Thorvald's head.*
Tamlin: Now that's convenient.
Engineer Thorvald: Would be if my hands weren't in stocks away from my head. ...Right. Trousers down, can't reach the rayguns, Redshirt's escaped. Don't suppose any of the remaining guards are seducible? ...Preferably by someone else?
*The Guards flee.*
*Thorvald bites at the rayguns, and manages to fire a random one at Jake*
*Jake dies horribly.*
Captain Algernon: ...Er... You weren't using him, were you? Could lend you Thorvald...
Tamlin: Didn't I just tell you in excruciatingly intimate detail that I was using him? But your gnome looks all right, I'll take him, if we make it out of here alive.
Engineer Thorvald: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! *gun falls to floor as his mouth opens*
Tamlin: You do that a lot, don't you?
Captain Algernon: Get special training at Galactafleet Academy. So, er... Game of I Spy?
Atra: Alright! I spy with my little eye something that begins with "Sunday, August 31, 2003 5:50 AM: The room was still dark as Hermione stretched and crooked her head in the direction of the nightstand..." | comments: Poke a delusional shipper  |
| | That one did get screamingly out of hand, didn't it? The fic hardly got a word in edgewise. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Heh, a bit, but, eh, the fic's like Homeopathic medicine: If you can dilute it until there's none left, that'd be the ideal. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |

smo | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-05-19 12:23 pm (UTC) |
|
| It all started when the centaur, Firenze, had interpreted that Harry, Ron and she were the three proclaimed by the prophecy to be the Coven that could defeat the Dark Lord.
Er... isn't a coven supposed to be thirteen witches? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | Depends on the tradition. 13 crops up in the more Satanic portrayals, whereas the older (I believe) tradition is three, as in MacBeth, Discworld, Reinder's comic, etc. Indeed, I think the unluckiness of 13 only starts as a folk belief sometime in the mediaeval period, so... | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | I thought it was 13 because there are 12 phases of the moon and then the Blue Moon. But that could be some Neopagan thing. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Heh. I've been waiting for the sporking of Chapter One to make my acquaintance with Hogwarts Exposed.
The author really hates Weasleys, eh? Makes up two more just to kill them.
And not to mention poor Ron.
How did Ginny survive? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |

nyoda | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2006-05-19 06:49 pm (UTC) |
|
| | Oh, Ginny HAD to survive. The author needed a slut-contrast to the pure and perfect Saint Hermione. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
![[icon]](http://www.journalfen.net/userpic/67365/9138) |
The HMS STFU - Hogwarts Exposed: Chapter 1
|
|