The HMS STFU - DIATSSISE

Subject:	DIATSSISE - Sporked!
Time:	09:25 pm

Again, welcome to the world of my Dungeons and Dragons game, Joyous Roguery. A new sporker, ilovefire -

thermophile on livejournal - agreed to help out.

Of course, his character, Jeremiah "Coot" Javier, Jr. is just a little perverted, so be warned.

The text of this sporking comes from http://www.diatssise.com/, a site full of stupidity and doom.

We open in a grim dungeon in a strange gothic castle, where the evil lich lives in luxury with his vampiric wife and children. One child who hasn't been seen in a while is his son, Jeremiah Javier, Jr - Becoming a crusader for justice can sometimes create a rift in the family, you know.

The prison is dark, damp, and full of bondage equipment for when he uses it with his wife. This is one of the many tortures that the prisoners must face, or, rather, try not to face. We open in the cell where Jeremiah "Coot" Javier, Jr. A 50-some year old half-giant were-platypus - who was formerly a blind 60-some year old human, but that's what happens when your DM uses a custom reincarnation table - and his friend Jebediah Muckytrousers, a hairy, black-bearded thief of questionable clenliness, are held.

Coot: ... Arr, damnit! Pappy, ye said this twere gonna be a 'friendly family' visit, noot one o' yer freaky 'incestous BDSM ov'rtones' visits!

Jebediah: *grumbles* Dagnabbit, Coot, why do I listen to you? "There'll be plenty to steal. No, you won't have to worry about tentacle rape. No, really you won't." So what's that dagnabbed thing in the moat, eh?

Coot: That be me mum's pet shark from th' far realms, Jeb. It usually tain't tentacled.

Pappy Javier: Quite. And do you know how hard it is to retroactively add tentacles just to deal with yourguests in an appropriate manner? I hope you appreciate what I go through for you. Still, don't worry you two, I wouldn't do such horrible things to you. Your mother won the coin flip. No, I thought you might be interested in a little light literary criticism.

Coot: ... Oer, literary criticism. This tain't good... will me sanity remain intact?

Pappy Javier: ....You've become a Holy Crusader. It's a bit late for sanity.

Coot: Arr, LIBERATER! I be a 'oly LIBERATOR! tis diff'rent ffrom a 'oly Crusader.

Pappy Javier: *ignores the Coot* I'm sure you've heard of Harry Potter? That wonderful little story that could be ripped from the pages of reality if Rowling hadn't ignored the restrictions on castings per day and having to get 8 hours sleep to regain your spells, like all proper magic really works. Unless you have unlimited spontaneous use of a spell, but that's not generally available to humans. Now, if she had used, say, Djinni, that'd be perfectly sensible.

Coot: .... *whimpers*

Pappy Javier: Well! Some people have chosen other reasons to criticise it. Other, really stupid reasons. So, I present to you: An Open Letter to J.K.Rowling.

Pappy Javier clears his throat.

Ms. J. K. Rowling

Re: Getting the children off the Harry Potter discussion forms and getting them to read something else besides Harry Potter

Jebediah: ...

Jebediah: ...LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!! *pulls at his chailns frantically, trying to break free*

Coot: .... oer. By th' gods o' good 'n anarchy, I hope this tain't like Vogon poetry...

Pappy Javier: ...Oh, you and that stupid Sci-fi. Like anyone would really believe that Gnomish technology was more viable than magic.

Dear Ms. Rowling:

Jebediah:...You said that. No repeating yourself. It's bad enough.

Pappy Javier: I can't very well help it if the fellow I'm quoting can't keep track of if he's already addressed the person or not, now can I?

Coot: ... We're all doomed. Doomed!

I did not believe this letter would become necessary.

Jebediah: ...Is that because it ain't?

I thought when the final book was released the addiction and obsession I have noticed and even experienced to the books and discussion forums would be over.

Coot: ... obsession 'n addiction tae a series o' fiction?

Coot: ... They obviously tain't have lives. or wives. I be to busy tae be obsessed wi' anythin' ficticious! Unless o' course it be one o' me wife's kinks, aye.

Jebediah: Your wife's kinks are fictitious? Dagnabbit, yer've been inventin' em to manipulate me, ain't yer?! I bet she didn't REALLY need that picture of me dressed as Little Bo Peep, either!

Coot: Nay, she didn't. I just wanted tae publicly embarass ye, 'cause I felt like havin' a bit o' a laugh

Pappy Javier: Now, now, children. He's barely gotten started. This isn't the time for embarrassing revealations.

I thought the Harry Potter books would be placed in a closet or bookcase or donated to a library where they now belong and everyone would proceed forward with their lives.

Coot: ... Oer, this writer's never met a fanatic afore, 'as 'e?

I thought you would recommend this course of action to the children and encourage them to put up their Harry Potter books and get off the discussion forums and then direct them to other books.

Coot: ... arr, but wouldn't th' more they read 'n buy th' paraphenalia o' this series mean more money fer 'er?

Jebediah: ...Because authors always have a duty to tell their readers to stop liking what they wrote

Jebediah: ...It's one of them laws made by them insane kings, that're still technically on the books.

In your first interview you state that you are looking forward to your child reading the last book over and over again.

Coot: ... 'ell, ifin it be a good enuff book, anyone'd read it o'er 'n o'er.

Jebediah: ...A mother excited about her spawn likin' what she wrote! The shame of it all! Dagnabbit, don't this feller have any sense?

Pappy Javier: If he did, would I be quoting him?

You also stated that you intend to continue feeding these children’s addiction and obsession for some time in the future by slowly giving them tidbits of details that you didn’t feel was important enough to include in the book.

Jebediah: Ooh! So we'll get to find out what happened to Hagrid? And about what happened to that bastard Umbridge, and....

Jebediah: ...Dagnabbit, what?! Why're you starin' at me?

Coot: ... Arr, so? I'm not seein' th' big deal. I mean, no sane person'd do absolutely nothin' until they get a bit o' news about 'what 'appened to person X'. They'd do other things, then when th' news did get to 'em, they'd go 'ooooh, so THAT'S what 'appened!'

This has caused me to make this post and plea. In my opinion the children on these forums are totally and completely absorbed with the fantasy world of Harry Potter. It is all they want to talk about.

Jebediah: ...Let me guess. Harry Potter forums?

Pappy Javier: Yep!

Coot: Arr, so, they're talkin' about 'em in groups specifically 'bout th' subject o' these books, aye. I mean, tain't that what these forums 'n thin's are aboot?

Jebediah: Curse them little bastards for staying somewhat on topic!

They don’t understand why their friends don’t feel the same way they do and they are losing their real life friends.

Coot: Arr, 'n 'e 'as proof o' this?

Pappy Javier: Really, junior, expecting proof from a frothing lunatic? You MUST be one of the evil conspiratorial forces of oppression. I'm so very proud.

They are replacing these real life friends with their new friends on these forums. The owners and moderators on these forums are equally addicted and are encouraging this isolation from real life friends and replacement of these friends with those on the forums.

Coot: ... Th' sheer STUPIDITY o' this is... Arr, I think I kin feel me intellect bein' drained away.

Coot: ... or is that one o' yer spells, Pappy?

Pappy Javier: Really, junior, would I try to drain the intellect of someone so stupid to believe me when I invited him to a "nice family gathering, no torment or kinkiness?"

On your Dateline interview, I heard you state that the books have given you the most pleasure because they have gotten children to start reading again. The problem is that these children have lost all interest in reading anything but Harry Potter.

Coot: Arr, 'n 'es perfectly sure o' this, based on concrete, objective evidence, aye?

Pappy Javier: No.

I don’t remember how many times I read complaints from these children that their teachers were making them read classics like “Catcher in the Rye” but they had just skimmed the book and was re-reading one of the Harry Potter books for the 10th time.

Jebediah: ...Gee, imagine that, a dense whiny psychological novel where nothin' much really happens is less popular than an exciting light read. Who'd've figgered?

Coot: So, makin' fun o' teenage anghst be a new thing, then? Coulda fooled me.

The other posters (including the moderators) would then join in and all make fun of the book the teacher was making this child read and agree that Harry Potter was better.

Pappy Javier: *eyes Jebediah* You know, you'd make a good addition to the family...

Pappy Javier: I mean, according to this fellow, you're already evil.

Pappy Javier: AND you have a nice arse.

Jebediah: ...

Coot: ....

Jebediah: LET ME OUT!!! HELP!!! DAGNABBIT!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Coot: Arr, it be bad enuff I'm an honorary McDougal, please don't make me be related tae Jeb too...

Pappy Javier: Well, that's all the recommendation I need! I'm making Jebediah an honourary Javier. We'll do the induction when we're finished here and I can find the gimp suit. Anyway...

The coot whimpers.

I believe it was the mystery element of the series that first caused this obsession, but like any addiction or obsession the addiction has taken control. These children are discussing the same things over and over again and are wondering some of the most unimportant details.

Coot: ... Bein' as 'ow I used tae be in th' Army, I kin say that there ain't such a thing as an 'unimportant detail'. 'sides, it be part o' demihuman nature tae discuss th' same damned thing o'er 'n o'er again.

I remember a thread being started on why everyone thought Marge’s dog had chased Harry up the tree. (You can’t believe how many threads like this exist on these forums).

Pappy Javier: Did I mention the reason this fellow is upset is because his interpretation of the ending, based on close-reading of obscure details, turned out to be wrong?

Coot: ....

Jebediah: ...

Coot: Oer.

Coot: 'n 'es callin' OTHER people obsessed?

Coot: *ahem* Pot callin' kettle, pot callin' kettle. Yer black, mate, sorry tae say.

Pappy Javier: Oh, yes. See, he had this theory that Dumbledore impersonated Snape when Bellatrix and Narcissa visited him in Spinner's End, so that he made an Unbreakable Vow to kill himself.

Coot: .... That... that just be utterly 'n completely... that... me mind be bogglin' at th' stupidity o' it.

Coot: 'n I should know mind-bogglin' stupidity. After all, I 'ang oot wi' Jeb.

Pappy Javier: Oh, but listen to what he has to say about it!!! Previously on the Rantings of a Crank:

The Harry Potter fantasy genre fans believe the plot of Half Blood Prince has Dumbledore, the most intelligent wizard ever born, assign to a 17 yr. old teenager the almost impossible job of saving the world alone with no backup or support. Just think how illogical that conclusion is, but the fantasy genre fans tell you that was the plot of Half Blood Prince. They tell you it is logical for Dumbledore to have assigned this task to Harry Potter, and that the plot of Deathly Hallows will simply be about how this unqualified teenager finds the horcruxes, gets past their protection, destroys them, and then locates and kills the most evil and powerful wizard of all times. What a stupid idiot plot. I hope J. K. Rowling doesn't insult my intelligence with such an idiot plot. Examples of the errors of the logic of the fantasy genre fans is given throughout this site.</i>

Coot: ... 'ell, it be fantasy. Part o' fantasy be doin' th' imposssible, aye?

Coot: ... weel, unless it be gothic 'r dark fantasy.

Pappy Javier: However, he hates fantasy fans. He thinks they should be reading mysteries. Again, Previously in the Rantings...

To solve a mystery, most mystery genre fans know you have to use logic and deductive reasoning. What is logical to the fantasy genre fans is illogical in real life. I believe J. K Rowling is about to end the series in a logical, reasonable manner.

Jebediah: By having Dumbledore impersonate Snape and agree to kill himself.

Coot: ... Where be th' logic in that?

Pappy Javier: You would deny his great intelligence and massive brain?

Coot: Aye.

Coot: I mean, ifin 'e be makin' out 'is brain tae be so massive, 'e must be comphensatin' fer summat, aye?

Pappy Javier: Perhaps. But anyway, going back to speculation on Marge's dog, which, of course, is not as clever as speculating on Dumbledore impersonating Snape.

I noticed there were over 100 posts to this thread. I simply got on the thread and stated that details like that aren’t necessary to the plot and they shouldn’t expect an author to answer those types of questions.

Coot: ... Once again, Mr. pot be callin' fer a Mr. Kettle. PLease answer on line three.

I stated that it really isn’t good to go through life expecting or wanting answers to unimportant details especially in a book.

Jebediah: ...But it is perfectly right to go through life whining about how your crank theory didn't pan out?

Coot: ... Arr, he taint' e'en a good hypocrite.

A moderator quickly deleted my post and sent a warning to me stating that I was rude and would be banned from the forum if I continued in this type of post.

Coot: Arr, boo-hoo. Ye get warned wi' a ban ifin ye break forum rules.

This brings me to my next, but equally important concern of the discussion forums: censorship.

Coot: Noo, I be all fer removal o' censorship, but wi' places like forums, ye kin't expect e'ryone tae 'ave good social graces, aye? So ye gotta 'ave some censorship, else it all spirals down tae hell.

The owners and moderators know how addicted and obsessed these children are to the forums and how much they fear the loss of being able to get on the forum to feed the addiction. They use censorship and threats of taking away this ability to force these children to think like them and meekly agree with whatever they want.

Coot: Okay, so th' moderaters 'ave their power goin' tae their 'eads. Since when hasn't summun in authority 'ad power-trips?

Jebediah: Since when did you believe a crank author's complaints?

I can’t believe how submissive these children are to the moderators on these forums.

Jebediah: DON'T SAY IT!!! Dagnabbit, Coot, I swear...

Coot: ... Viva la revolution?

Jebediah: ...Oh, that's alright. Thought yer were goin' to be a pervert again.

Coot: ... also, ifin th' kids be bein' submissive, then mebbe they should get th' law on 'em fer pedophilia, aye?

Jebediah: ...Dagnabbit!

THESE CHILDREN NEED TO GET OFF THESE FORUMS IN A REASONABLE TIME AND FORGET ABOUT HARRY POTTER AND GET ON WITH THEIR LIFE.

Coot: ... 'n talkin' in all-caps be just th' perfect way tae get yer point across, aye?

Pappy Javier: Did I mention this was written nine days after the book came out?

Coot: ...

Coot: This just makes th' 'ole thing werse. Arr... nine days is enough time, aye, that o' course they should be movin' on wi' their lives. 'ell, I bet there's still people who 'aven't even read th' damned thing.

Jebediah: *whimper*

I realize that they probably need to discuss what they like about the final book, but in my opinion it is not healthy for these children to continue much longer with their obsessive demands for unimportant detail.

Jebediah: Oh, it's nice fer you to be so very accommodatin'. They can spend a little more time discussin' - say, two more days. But then they'd better shut up about it.

Coot: This guy 'as no sense o' realism, do 'e?

Pappy Javier: Wait two sentences.

Please start encouraging these children to put their Harry Potter books away and start reading other books. I realize that I’m not a child psychologist, and I therefore ask you to please check with experts on the harm being caused to these children.

Jebediah: ...

Jebediah: No. No sense of realism whatsoever.

Coot: ... Arr, so he tain't an expert, but Rowling should take 'is advice ennyways?

Coot: When'd THAT start makin' sense, aye?

PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Thank you

Paintball

Jebediah: ...It's over?

Pappy Javier: coughs

FAREWELL POST AND PAINTBALL’S LAST HARRY POTTER THEORY

Jebediah: ...Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Coot: .......

Coot sobs

Well I have finally forced myself to finish the final book in the Harry Potter series. I am glad I forced myself to finish the book and read the ending. It allowed my mind to form my final theory. The following is a list of where I went wrong in my thought process over the past 3 years

Jebediah: He admits he was wrong?

(unless my final theory is correct)

Jebediah: ...Guess not, then...

and my regrets as well as my final Harry Potter theory.

WHERE I WAS WRONG AND MY CONGRATULATIONS TO THOSE WHO WERE CORRECT

Coot: .... Arr. This sounds bad allready.

Coot: These're gonna be th' kinda congratulations ye give tae them folk what said there'd be a pit trap there, 'n you didn't believe 'em, but it turned out it tweren't just a pit trap, but one wi' spikes, poison, 'n scorpions, aye?

Pappy Javier: Oh, no, much more biting and sarcastic.

(1) I was wrong in believing the man in front of me in line at the bookstore that told me the Harry Potter series was as much mystery as fantasy. I should have listened to the adamant fantasy fans on the discussion forums who kept telling me over and over again that the Harry Potter series was only a “child’s fantasy adventure” and I was setting myself up for major disappointment in believing that there was more to the series.

Coot: ... Arr, so he's sayin' 'e was... wrong aboot believin... it were part o' a genre... that the book was ne'er listed as in any official listin'?

Pappy Javier: Yep! But, you know, his massive brain said that a children's book would, in fact, insult its readers.

Coot whimpers

Pappy Javier: I'll quote a little more of his past ravings!

Since JKR herself doesn't claim to be a fantasy genre fan, I think there is a good chance that she will deviate from the normal fantasy conclusion of "the hero saves the day." I know I and many other non-fantasy genre fans would call this move pure literary genius. I think that JKR has written the series with Harry being just an ordinary Wizard who because of the events of Godric’s Hollow became famous as “the boy who lived” and later because of the leak about the prophecy started to be known as "the chosen one" and this fact is then "used" by Dumbledore and some other adult Wizards who all know that Harry is just an ordinary Wizard to develop a plan to trap or ambush Voldemort using Harry as the bait. By writing Deathly Hallows in this way, JKR will in effect have created a parody of the fantasy genre making the most adamant of her fantasy fans the butt of this joke.

Jebediah whimpers, sets to work trying to pick the lock on his chains with his finger.

Pappy Javier: But let us move on.

(2) I was wrong in not listening to my wife when she told me I was stupid for joining a discussion forum for a child’s book and spending so much time on the discussion forums. I was wrong in telling her that the series wasn’t just a child’s fantasy series and there was much more to the series. This is the mistake I regret the most. Once time is lost you can never get it back. I don’t look forward to living the rest of my life being told by the woman I love that “I told you so.” Probably I have just acquired a new name for her to call me when I do something stupid. I don’t know how many times I will hear the phrase “Way to go Potter” in the future, but I’m pretty sure I have just lost the name “Paintball.”

Coot: ...

Jebediah: ...Wait, so yer mean all that talk about how children were abandonin' their real life for talkin' on forums was straight-out projection of a fellow who abandoned his wife to talk on forums? And thinks everyone's stupid as him?

Coot: I'd say more 'bout hypocrisy, but... I've really said all I kin on th' subject.

(3) I was wrong in the DIATSSISE Theory in refusing to accept the first thought I had on how Snape was trustworthy. I should not have rejected the obvious answer that “Dumbledore Ordered Snape to Kill him” simply because the statement that the hand was a fair trade for 1/7 of Voldemort’s soul was inconsistent with this answer and I had a moral objection to the theory. I should have realized that I wasn’t dealing with a good mystery author and that my moral opinions don’t matter to JKR.

Jebediah: ...Well, his *stupid* opinions don't matter to JKR, anyway.

Coot: Aye. nor do 'is smart ones... arr, wait, 'e don't 'ave any smart 'uns

(4) I was wrong in comparing JKR to Agatha Christie. I owe her my earnest apology. JKR doesn’t deserve to even be mentioned as an author of the mystery genre much less included in the same breath as you. I am so sorry.

Jebediah: ...I thought it was just Harmonians who were takin' back any compliments they might accidentally have made?

PAINTBALL’S FINAL HARRY POTTER THEORY

I realize this is probably a theory developed by my mind to give me an excuse for my mistakes listed above.

Jebediah: So, we can skip it?

Coot: Please?

Coot: Me sanity be takin' a beatin' worse than me arse on last week's BDSM night.

Coot: ... it twere me wife's turn,ye see.

Pappy Javier: Would you deny an old man - and your father - his one remaining joy of tormenting you?

Coot: ... Ye always 'ave ta tweak me good-guy bone, don't yer, Pappy?

Jebediah: Dagnabbit, Coot!

No matter how many times I kept trying to tell my mind to forget about Harry Potter, it kept trying to figure out why I was so wrong.

Coot: So 'e be a seperate entity from 'is mind, then? Noo it all makes sense.

Jebediah: Because yer an idiot who chose to ignore all characterisation and latch on to a crank theory?

Against my desire not to give another second of my time thinking about Harry Potter my mind kept looking at possible changes in the plot that would have created a great mystery as well as fantasy and developed this theory. I am only posting it as closure for this period of my life. I have no desire to spend any time discussing or arguing it.

Coot: So, 'es willin' tae state, but noot tae back up 'is opinions. Coward.

Pappy Javier: He has, of course, made four more posts after saying that whining even more....

Coot: ... 'n a hypocritical coward, at that.

I have already wasted too much time.

Jebediah: He has, ain't he?

JKR CHANGED HER MIND BETWEEN HBP AND DEATHLY HALLOWS

Coot: ... didn't Rowling say that she basically wrote half-blood prince 'n Deathly Hallows as one book, then split it in 'alf fer lenght reasons?

Pappy Javier: Something like that, although she did have some more writing to do to flesh the plans out.

This is the only logical explanation that my mind could come up with because of the –forgive me- clue and the fact that the DIATSSISE theory is the perfect answer to the true owner of the elder wand in Deathly Hallows.

Jebediah: ...Diet-size?

Pappy Javier: He's such a great intelligence that he came up with the perfect abbreviation for "Dumbledore Impersonated A Trustworthy Severus Snape in Spinner's End"

Coot: ... 'ow th' 'ell... 'ow th' 'ell is 'e linkin' 'is crackpot theory tae th' owner o' th' Elder Wand?

Pappy Javier: He doesn't actually bother to say.

Jebediah: Probably figured that if he made a bold assertion, noone would question it.

In my opinion JKR changed her mind on what she was writing or made major plot changes during the editing process because the movie industry wanted a different type of book and she wanted to please her child.

Jebediah: ...Eh, have yer seen the movies? They would've just changed whatever they wanted anyway.

Coot: ... aye.

The movie industry thinks and JKR agreed that the DIATSSISE theory and the trap theories are too complicated for movies or children.

Jebediah: Or just too stupid for movies, children, or adults.

The only reason I include JKR’s child to this theory is JKR’s last paragraph of her office entry after DH was released.

Coot: ... I ain't got a comment on this.

Pappy Javier: You know, where she talks about being glad her child could read and enjoy what her mother wrote. Because noone would ever give a thought to her children before finally setting down to writing.

MY BIGGEST REGRET

Jebediah: ...Aw, hell.

From this time forward when I think of the Harry Potter series I will think: “What a Shame. The series turned from a literary classic to Juvenile Trash with a few changes to the plot. It could have been so great. What a shame.”

Coot: .... What stops it from bein'a literary classic, just 'cause one madman don't agree wi' th' CREATOR O' TH' SERIES decision on 'ow th' plot should go?

Pappy Javier: Funnily enough, all the Harmonians are saying exactly the same thing. That she changed the plot, and if she had kept with her plan to include Harry getting it on with Hermione, it would have been a classic.

Jebediah whimpers

Pappy Javier: Well, anyway, that's probably enough, and we have a lot of work to get through to make Jebediah your honourary brother, so...

Coot: *mutters under his breath* 'n mebbe ye'll ferget 'bout th' implied incestous behaviour o' me mum...

And here, good readers, we end. For your sanity and continued possession of eyes.

comments: Poke a delusional shipper

August 21st, 2007

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