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The HMS STFU - Pstibbons update
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| | Subject: | Pstibbons update | | Time: | 04:45 pm |
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| Have you been wondering what pstibbons has been up to lately? More than that, have you been wondering what pstibbons might do if he ever turned his attentions to Snape? Well, wonder no more. "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Bellatrix" lacks his usual Ron torture and Hermione worship, but never fear! It includes Snape torture and angst, Marauder bashing, and incomprehensible lines such as:
"We've killed him!" yelled Remus. "By Toutatis, we've fucking killed him!" (I looked it up: Toutatis was a Celtic god worshiped in ancient Gaul and Britain. And apparently by Remus Lupin. Pstibbons is just so smart, isn't he?)
and
"She had never heard such a pot of heronistic crock in her life." (bolding mine - the "she" here refers to Lily. Why Lily would use pstibbon's made up "insult" referencing people who ship Ron and Hermione, I will never know. I didn't spot a "gorram" yet, but I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time.)
To be fair, pstibbons warns us not to read this fic in his opening author's note:
"A/N: Fans of the Marauders should not read this. Those who believe James and Lily were fated for each other should not read this. Snape haters should not read this. Those who think Dark Magic is too serious to laugh at should not read this. Those who think that prejudice is black and white should not read this. Those who think innocents do not get killed in war should not read this. And while we're at it, decent human beings shouldn't read this either."
I'm waiting to see if somehow Hermione saves the day by killing everyone in creative anf gruesome ways in later chapters.
| comments: Poke a delusional shipper     |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-05 09:17 pm (UTC) |
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| "Severus Snape was naked."
That's always a great image to start your story with.
And how's Pstibbons' Hermione going to fit into all of this? Is she going Time Turner back to the Marauder era, bond with Bellatrix and Snape over their hatred of Marauders/Weasleys, and put on the Kill Bill tracksuit and then go back to the Dark Ages and fight Aethlred Weasley the Well-Bearded in some kinda Anglo-Saxon magical katana duel? Because that might actually be interesting.
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| (Anonymous) | | Subject: | Pre-emptive apologies for the bad/fake Old English accent. | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-14 03:49 am (UTC) |
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| “And whose thanes be you?”
The year was 826, and the place was Mercia.
A full moon lit the moor below with a pale, unearthly light. There were only four people unfortunate enough to be out on this night: three young wizards, and one very large warrior.
Two of the wizards were shifting nervously: one, a sallow-skinned man with phenomenally greasy hair, looked about nervously. The other, a girl with patrician good looks and violently intense eyes, was focused on the shirtless, sweat-covered non-magic user in front of them. Their leader's bushy brown hair cascaded over her yellow-and-black Muggle tracksuit. Despite her custom-made Hattori Hanzō katana and vine-wood wand, there was something remarkable hollow about this otherwise fearsome woman.
“We are no one's thanes.” the katana girl spat.
“And what type'o lies is this?” the man shouted, spittle flying everywhere. Æthelred the Weaselly and Well-Bearded, Thane of Hrothgar the Wrathful, slayer of Norsemen and other demons, was the type of man who tended to generate a lot of spittle when he talked. He was also the type of man that no one dared look at crosswise, lest he proceed to rip the offender's head off and spit down their newly ventilated gobs. The parts of his body that weren't covered in battleaxe wounds were marked by arrow holes. The wizards were all in simultaneous awe/fear/heronista-based condescension of him.
“It's not a lie.” the greasy-haired man said, forcing the words out quickly. “We-we are travelers from the f-future--”
“Shut it, Severus.” the track-suited woman spat.
“Wha' kinda magic is this?” he shouted.
“Damn it, Hermione” the other woman muttered. “Taranis' sweaty testicles, I knew this wouldn't go well.”
Æthelred blinked.
“Wha' did you say?” he shouted. “Taranis? Wha' kinda dark gods do ye worship?”
“Oh good job, Bella.” Hermione shouted. “Now he's going to use all his dark heronista powers to make sure we never vote Lib Dem again!”
“I'm not sure what you're talking about--” Severus started, but was cut off by a loud roar from Æthelred.
“IN THE NAME OF GOD THE ALMIGHTY AND MERCIFUL” he screamed, almost taking off his beard with his axe, “I'LL TAKE OFF YOUR HEADS AND STICK 'EM ON THE TALLEST POLLS IN THIS LAND!”
“Time to use some magic, Hermione...”
“CRUCIO!”
Hermione's spell re-bounded off of Æthelred. He took the opportunity to start charging at the wizards.
“Why isn't the curse stopping him?!” Hermione shouted.
“Must be some kind of berserker rage.” Snape replied, staggering backwards from the advancing Angle/Saxon madman. “Granger, what are you going to do?”
“...I'll take him down the hard way.”
And with that, Æthelred sprung into the air and brought down his axe—only for it to meet Hanzo steel. The two dueled for hours, neither one gaining the advantage. At the end, when both combatants were tired, and their sweat had sunken so deep into the soil such that it might be used one day by hags to cure obscure poisons, Draco Malfoy arrived.
He was stark naked, and was riding on a flying dolphin.
“...Hermione?”
“...”
“...Hermione!”
“...Yes, Ron?”
“Would you ever go back in time to try and kill my great-great-great-great ancestor?”
“...Did you have another nightmare?”
“Do you think Malfoy really has a flying dolphin? And that he would ever take his kit off and ride around on it?”
“...Oh god, I'm so sorry...”
“I'll just go for some water.”
As Ron lifted himself out of bed, Hermione shifted uneasily. This had been the third night in a row Ron had these dreams—last night, the dream-Hermione had forced Ron to perform oral sex on himself. Being woken up at one in the morning was no cakewalk, but the nightmarish hellscapes Ron kept finding himself in were the most horrifying thing.
And somewhere, off in the distance, a roar of victory erupted across the landscape. And then a thick, hacking noise, as though someone was bringing up some spittle. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Subject: | Re: Pre-emptive apologies for the bad/fake Old English accent. | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-15 06:44 pm (UTC) |
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| | Win. Just win. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-05 09:19 pm (UTC) |
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| The whole "Gods!/[insert pagan deity here as exclamation" is so fucking annoying and widespread. None of the characters say that, least of all the ones they have doing it and still it won't die.
Why? | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Yeah, I was wondering what Asterix the Gaul had to do with any of this, by Belisma and Belenos. And murder? Doesn't he just hit people a lot until they give in, usually leaving a pair of humorous sandals behind them?
Worst. Crossover. Ever. Until the next one shows up, anyway. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| pstibbons just ruined a fond childhood memory for me, stealing that line from Asterix.
(Well, ok, I'm not that annoyed, but it's still a bit grating when some slightly creepy entitled fantard who creates an idealized version of a fictional character employs such turns of phrase.) | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. Actually, my first thought was "Asterix doesn't deserve being dragged into this.:(" | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif) mcity | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-05 11:16 pm (UTC) |
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| | Come to think of it, how many people actually use obscure pagan gods as curses in real life? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-09 09:51 pm (UTC) |
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| | I curse occasionally with my own fictitious pagan gods. ("By Fiero's tongue" is just fun to say...) | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Asterix/HP crossover ! *HEADWALL*
O Taranis, bring down your wrath on pstibbons, NAW !! | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| | This has 'zero' bearing on the stupid of pstibbons, but that icon has me dancing in all kinds of happy. Where did you get it? | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
mcity | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-05 11:08 pm (UTC) |
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| I had no idea that pstibbons could be a decent writer if he put his mind to it.
And while we're at it, decent human beings shouldn't read this either. Glad that's sorted. I'm up for tacos. Who wants tacos?
He carefully put a couple of drops of her potion into the cauldron and then hastily cast at least three wards on the cauldron. He didn't move away.
She hadn't known it was possible to cast wards that fast.
Impressive.
Perhaps she would keep him around longer.
Wait a minute.
Correction - they had waited a minute. And it hadn't exploded. STOP THAT. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Pstibbons shows a trait which absolutely drives me crazy in fanwriters--an inability to get inside a character's head. So instead he projects his feelings and longings onto the characters he likes and persecutes the characters he hates through them.
I have also noticed this trait in Harmonians, Slytherin apologists, and ManipulativeBastard!Dumbledore fans. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| And I believe that this is the root of what drives me craziest with his fics. I could handle his psuedo-intellectualism, his crazy hatred for most male characters, and even his Madonna/whore complex, if he had even the tiniest shred of ability to write characters anywhere close to canon. He can't. Women are in one of two categories - either
1) intelligent, well-read, selfless, unflinching in the face of danger or dishonour (for that read ruthless to anyone who doesn't worship them) and also very very sexy in tracksuits, OR
2) shallow, mercenary, treacherous bitches who have zero worth and try to rob the intelligent woman of her rightful Soul Mate.
Likewise, men fall into one of three categories:
1) The wise man who holds the intelligent kick-arse (read sadistic) woman in worshipful awe and sees the nasty jealous whores for what they 'really are', OR
2) Shallow fools who are blind to the virtues of the intelligent woman and falls for the transperant tricks of the whore, OR
3) A raping abusive bastard who hurts the Holy Bitch intelligent Madonna and thus earns death.
Every single one of his fics is like this. Rinse and repeat. All his fancy words and references with footnotes added are meant to dazzle our attention away from the fact that he is too in love with his own intellect to step into another character's shoes.
Every time he writes, a piece of my Inner Child dies. I'm going to sue him soon for the price of an abortion. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | I think a lot of badfic authors do this--the more rabid fangirls could care less about the characters themselves, it's all about doing what they want. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-08 05:42 pm (UTC) |
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| | I'm convinced that almost all pairings involving Draco or Snape are really self-inserts for the author. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-11 05:09 pm (UTC) |
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| | True, that. (I find neither Alan Rickman or Tom Felton attractive, so I forget that detail at times.) | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| I think now he's replaced Hermione with Lily. Wonder why?
Maybe because we know less about Lily in canon so pstibbons can have his wicked way with her characetrization without constant protests of canon rape. Also, James makes a better target for his perverted violent revenge fantasies because he is less well-loved than Ron and his abuse will generate less complaints (he may even acquire a cheering section among Snapefen as long as he keeps Snape in his proper role of victim/wobbie.)
Or maybe he was just mad because Hermione never called him back. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| I do believe that this is the first time I've ever come across the line "Minerva McGonagall piddled in the corner." Bravo, Pstibbons!
One of the nice things about crapfic like this is that it makes me appreciate the good ME fic even more. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
lakme | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-11 03:44 am (UTC) |
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| I was reading the reviews, which are astonishingly positive, when I saw this gem:
You know, denying someone the benefit of knowing how their best friend died and making your friends conceal it from that person, solely because you want to date them is a pretty scummy act that I couldn't believe Potter capable of... Wait a minute, I was thinking about Harry, not James, my bad!
This scene demonstrates one of the reasons that, canonically, I have a very strong dislike for the James/Lily relationship; after all, it is based in a good part on James' lies and hiding of the truth. No matter how much they might have chemistry or be in love with each other, no relationship would survive that sort of thing for very long if the liar's victim found out.
As for the rest of the chapter, I loved Flitwick's little animagery=). Very nice job with the 'virgin **', and I especially loved when Bellatrix did the 'OK' gesture. You know, the one where 'Lily remained oblivious to the fact that this was a Pureblood gesture meaning 'You are worth less than your own piddle'.'
I LOVE when James bashers call him "Potter." It's like they're trying to be cool.
What lies of James? That he continued to fight back whenever Snape hexed him? GOD FORBID. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| What lies of James? That he continued to fight back whenever Snape hexed him?
I dunno. None of that made any sense to me at all. And, wait a minute...what lies of Harry's is she referring to?(I'm assuming it's a Snape wife. Probably marionros. It's got her tone to it.)
I hate when they confuse me with the stupid. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-11 05:10 pm (UTC) |
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| Cedric? Even then he repeatedly told the truth about how he died, and was certainly not lying.
But I shouldn't try to make sense of stupid. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Having forced myself to at least skim the thing, it seems pstibbons commits lots of historical inaccuracies and anachronisms, both historical and in-canon.
For example "heronista" which as a reviewer pointed out, he uses to ridicule Ron/Hermione shippers, used in the 1970s.
Also, he has Lily voting Lib Dem when that party did not exist in the 1970s.
And then there's his misuse of various historically famous quotes.
Finally, the Snapefen are already drooling all over his fic. pstibbons uses their fanon trope of excessive favoritism towards Gryffindors generally by Dumbledore, and they're lapping it up like nobody's business. | | (Reply to this) (Thread) |
| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-15 03:55 pm (UTC) |
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| The reviews are nearly as painful the fic itself.
I used to think duj was actually a decent writer, despite the Snape apologism and occasional Ron-hate (I stand by my belief that he gets more undeserved crap heaped on him by fans than any other HP character). One of her fics includes a pretty good exploration of why Percy might not have believed Harry and wanted to leave the Weasleys (YMMV, obviously).
But cheering on a McGonagall who pees in Dumbledore's slippers...OW. Makes me wonder if she's really marionros.
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| (Anonymous) | | Link: | (Link) | | Time: | 2009-06-15 03:55 pm (UTC) |
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| The reviews are nearly as painful the fic itself.
I used to think duj was actually a decent writer, despite the Snape apologism and occasional Ron-hate (I stand by my belief that he gets more undeserved crap heaped on him by fans than any other HP character). One of her fics includes a pretty good exploration of why Percy might not have believed Harry and wanted to leave the Weasleys (YMMV, obviously).
But cheering on a McGonagall who pees in Dumbledore's slippers...OW. Makes me wonder if she's really marionros.
| | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| | Duj also praised that crappy fic where Sirius was drinking from the toilet and claimed that he was totally in character. I've seen her reviews on ff.net and her comments on hp_essays, WIKTT (When I Kissed The Teacher, Snape/Hermione yahoo group), loose_canon (a yahoo group dedicated to discussing HP with heavy focus on Snape) and in mary_j_59's LJ and she is completely bonkers (and no, she's not marionros). | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| They're sure cut from the same cloth. They both indulge their hatred for Harry Potter with such free abandon. Duj's favorite hobby-horse is to paint the Trio as lacking any moral compass whatsoever (OMG HARRY'S A MEEN EVIL CHEEEEEEEATER), and marionros just full-on emulates Petunia Dursley.
It's sad. | | (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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The HMS STFU - Pstibbons update
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