The HMS STFU

Harmoanian stories for the grandkids

2009-11-08T09:50:36Z

Copypasta from wank_report:

Broomstick flyer is a fanfic writer who, along with her husband, writes HP fanfic that she like to read to her grandkids.

One of her best works was a fic where Hermione dies and is confronted by the children that she was supposed to have with Harry - and she realises what a shame and waste her life has been, and how terrible her kids with Ron are (Heaven sent).

Something even viler than that: The Potter blood feud

Two weeks later Arthur and Molly Weasley were sitting at the breakfast table when a tremendous shaking began under their feet, quickly the shaking spread to the walls of the Burrow. They were still sitting trying to work out what was happening when the magic holding the odd shaped house together simply vanished. Seconds later they were both lying dead in the rubble of their home.

Hermione Potter standing just outside the Weasley wards placed her wand retrieved from the ruins of the Burrow safely into her holster and apparated to Diagon Alley where she found her husband of just one month standing watching Ron Weasley as he swung gently in the breeze, he hung fastened by his feet to the sign above the Weasley twins shop. He was screaming for help as he tried to stem the flow of blood that was flowing freely from where Harry had removed his manhood.

Upside down he would have just a little longer to live and to regret ever trying to force Hermione Granger to marry him become a slave and give him and his brothers’ children. Inside the shop the Weasleys only remaining twin was already dead, having been subjected to a taste of his own medicine. His death certificate would report the cause of death as ingesting far too many of his own products, including packs of ever dry fireworks that had somehow ignited while in his stomach.

Ginny who had often stood next to Ron encouraging him to take the final step and rape her former friend was bound in thick ropes and lay in the gutter at Harry’s feet. “I thought you might like to deal with this one,” Harry commented as his wife arrived beside him.

Hermione who had suffered years of verbal abuse in the magical world looked up at Ron and with a glare at him and a desire for revenge waved her wand and stripped the now sobbing for mercy Ron of his clothes. “You still want me as a baby factory Weasley? Oh seems you don’t have the tackle any longer what a shame,” she said as she glared at him.

Ginny Weasley died as she choked on her brothers completely amputated genitals that were forced down her throat by Hermione who kept hearing the words the youngest redhead had told her brother repeatedly “Oh just rip her knickers off and shag her, that’ll shut the bitch up.”

Bet the grandkids will love that.

In a reply to a review to this very story, she writes:

Note to smedman, First I would like to say thanks for your highly intelligent review. Second I dont recall asking you to read this story, if you read my profile you will see that I write for my grandchildren, who it seems are far more intelligent and are able to express their likes and dislikes without being insulting, at least they dont resort to the sort of rubbish you posted as a review.
which means that her grandkids have read this very story. With her blessings.

Snape is not a mean teacher!1!!eleventy-one!!1

2009-11-08T08:27:09Z

Snape and His Fears. The original post is more or less okay, but there is a lot of insanity in the comments, especially about the incident with Hermione's teeth.

In Which Dumbledore Is Supposedly Omnipotent and Self-Aggrandizing...

2009-11-05T05:15:47Z

I give you The Dog that Didn’t Get Exonerated in the Night in which the usual Manip!Dumbledore paradigm is once again trotted out for display. For bonus lulz, marionros got good and wound up and blasted a few screeds about how that horrible fucktard Harry Potter is NEVER WRONG AT ALL NO SIR THE BOOKS NEVER SHOWED THIS (never mind that, uh, we do indeed read that in the "big reveal" scenes at the end of the books, that the gaps in Harry's (and therefore our) knowledge are filled in); she also doesn't seem to grasp the concept of a POV character who introduces us to the world in which he or she inhabits.

As seems to be par for the course, trying to find ways to prove that the Death Eaters weren't really all THAT bad and such, we get this bald-faced assertion:

So Grindlewald was the Dark Lord of his time, and Voldemort did a bid to the title a couple of decades later. Bagged it too (although I still don't get why everybody was so afraid of him. All that talk of 'he did great things.. Terrible, but great' and what do we get? A few murders of muggles and old women! A two-bit muggle crook can do better than that! The DE's would faint at seeing 'Silence of the Lambs'!).

*coughBULLSHITcough*

Voldemort did a hell of a lot more than "A few murders of muggles and old women", Ms Ros. He founded a terrorist organization devoted to overthrowing the lawfully constituted government of his nation. He counselled the commission of murder, torture, vandalism and property destruction by the members of his organization. Every action proved that power for its own sake no matter how convoluted the pathway was his basic justification. Else why greedily snatch at all elements of immortality? Even though he had his Horcruxes he wanted a Philosopher's Stone and had no compunction about drinking Unicorn blood.

But hey, why let the books speak for themselves when you can make stuff up? Example by means of this detour:

Sirius loathes Snape and calls him 'Greasy Git'. Harry loathes Snape and calls him 'Greasy Git'. We might assume that Neville also loathes Snape, but as far as I know, he never referred to him as 'Greasy Git'. Just because Neville loathes Snape but doesn't call him Greasy Git doesn't mean that those who do call him Greasy Git don't loathe him.

It's amazing how these fen can make it all about Snape amid meta about Dumbledore. The making stuff up is that the words 'greasy' and 'git' never occur together once in the books. Chew on that, Ms Ros, and quit substituting fanon for logical analysis.

Then The Corruption of the House System in which terri_testing takes a little sideswipe or three at James by insinuating he didn't respect his mother, and then goes on to basically portray Dumbledore in a manipulative light again. The actual logistical underpinnings of her assertions seem quite weak. How would, as she claims, a mass Obliviate work on twenty some thousand people? (Since that is, in effect, what she's proposing as the reason why nobody remembers what House Dumbledore happened to be in; she says (paraphrased) 'the spell works on books and memories')

My spork is in storage at the moment so I can't do more than take a few feeble stabs at these meta-pieces which probably have grains of truth, but which seem to be built on a helluva lot of speculation and more than a bit of fanon.

ETA:

Oh for chrissakes mary_j_59 came along and managed to bring in some of that ridiculous Four Elements of Nature theory as well as demonstrate just how badly she excels at Missing The Point.

Her comment is here and I'll be over in my corner of the universe, karate headdesking at the ridiculousness of her ability to ignore what the Sorting Hat and Dumbledore both said about Slytherin traits.

Son of ETA: I noticed a segment of the LJ comments over there segued into some very revealing comments made by the Snapefen. My JournalFen entry regarding what I saw is linked.

Harmoanian Indoctrination: It Exists

2009-11-01T06:29:48Z

PSA: Snippets taken from the wank report.

Old Portkey had a forum, and on this forum they had a thread. And with a self-righteous bleat here and some srs bsns there, the Harmoanians had their say.

PJLikesAUfanfic: I even got little one trained to say 'ron is icky and yucky and mean to Hermione' and she is so adorable when she says it too. At school they play the HP movies *1 and 2 only since the movies 3 & 4 and up would scare little kids in her Special Needs class* sometimes and she stands up and points at the TV and says it in the middle of her class and her teachers smile and nod and give her a sticker. I guess they have read the books too and know which couple is the right choice rather than the 'easier' choice.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS I DON'T EVEN-- *stares*

I think my face looks like that dog that's trying to comprehend the sheer level of stupid up close he's witnessing.

What kind of person uses their children to validate their world of batshit? I mean, that's just a million degrees of Fucking Creepy, in my book.

I don't even want to try and wade through the rest of it but I imagine some of you will be more than ready to take out your sporks and apply some deserved ego reduction to these folks.

Meanwhile, I'll be over here. *karate headdesks*

ETA:

I want to point out that this icon from littleshebear is so very appropriate.

"100 Reasons to ship Draco/Ginny"

2009-10-29T20:41:01Z

(Sorry if this has been posted before :P)

I was curious about why people at Portkey have Draco/Ginny as one of their "official" ships, so I went looking for their D/G forums, and found this list.

I've selected the most lulzy reasons out of the lot to avoid the tl;dr.

- It's like Romeo and Juliet, without the crappy ending.

- It's about time the Dragon gets his fair maiden (Draco meaning 'Dragon' & Ginevra meaning fair/beauty)

- The colors green (Slytherin) and red (Gryffindor) remind us of Christmas.

- Because we also get the chance to see lots of hilarious Blaise and Pansy.

- because you would have to be mad not to ship them

- Because Slytherins and Gryffindors going together is helping house unity.

- because Blaise & Pansy were born to make Draco and Ginny be together, no matter what it takes.

- Because D/G fic invairably has a huge quality increase from D/Hr and H/D fic.

- Because H/G and Dransy are too predictable!

- There's so many different types of people that support it -- Harmonian and Heron, In-Canon Toad Flamer and In-Canon Chocolateer, people who like OOC Blaise & Pansy and people who don't...

- Because Draco's wit comes out best when paired with a Weasley. (It's a FACT!)

- I think D/G are good together because it makes ron really angry and keeps him busy going afer Draco and keeps him away from Hermione. Anything to keep ron away from Hermione is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.

- The thought of D/G having lots of pink haired kids is a cute idea *you know white hair mixed with red gives you pink! dang been watching too much anime lately*

- I like the dynamic that the fanfic writers for the D/G ship have for their stories, they way they have Draco and Ginny play off eachother is really interesting and makes for a good read.... as long as they are all still fully H/Hr compliant so I can read them of course.

- Because we're the CC ship least affiliated with the whole plagiarism scandal.

- Cause they're kids would look hot!

Of course, they didn't make it to a hundred. I'm guessing their brains exploded in the process.

Also, I love how most of their reasons have nothing to do with the ship itself. Way to prove the "awesomeness" of D/G...

*backs away from Portkey singing You give my ship a bad name*

Social Experiment!

2009-10-25T16:42:47Z

Over on LJ in Fandom Secrets, last night's post provided us with this secret and its ensuing comments.

A completely harmless secret that is in NO WAY poking the bear (the part calling people idiots is especially non-confrontational). As soon as I read it last night, I wanted to almost call troll, but I let it slide because I felt things really could turn interesting with it. When I checked back this morning, I was right...

People answer the OP's question ("What is it about Harry and Hermione that pisses you guys off so much?"), and you get all sorts of responses, from the rational explanations to the kneejerk, to the "BECAUSE THEY'RE ANNOYING", to the H/Hr shippers adding their two cents.

Anonymous: "the shippers, the essays, the superiority complex..."

cupricanka: the lack of Ron :(

lovedforaday: The Ron and Ginny hate, the arrogance, the JKR bashing, elevating Hermione from sidekick to goddess, the shit essays...

Anonymous: Mostly, it's the fangirls who would argue that it was going to be canon, when it very obviously wasn't. Ship whatever oddity you want, just don't be delusional about it.

threnody: "What is it about Harry and Hermione that pisses you guys off so much?"

Their crazy-ass fans, that's what. Tenacious little fuckers who refuse to take no for an answer despite the complete and utter lack of canon to back up their ship, interviews saying they were wrong, and Harry out and out saying she was like a sister and it had always been that way. The proper response to this is not 'blow a gasket and call JKR an idiot who doesn't know jack', it's 'accept it and move on'. Even if you want to plug your fingers in your ears and read fanfic, don't go on about how the background was all laid out in the story and then the tables were turned at the last minute.

THAT is what makes normally sane 'live and let live' types go from 0 to frothing in no time flat.

And yes, I had kinda hoped that Harry would end up with Ginny. I was honestly shocked to hell and back when it actually happened, though. It's not like there was groundwork put in for it except for Ginny getting slightly more face time as they got older, which is to be expected (11 year old boys are not going to notice much about their friend's kid sister. 15 year olds in the middle of a sekrit war with limited agemates are going to be talking to that kid sister more than they would any outsider). It WOULD be shocking for Harry to end up with Hermione, because they are much, much closer and there would have been *something* to give us hints. Y'know, like there was with Ron and Hermione from the fourth book onward. And I'm ambivalent toward that ship. I don't particularly like Ron *or* Hermione, so I don't care either way who they ended up with.

ainu laire: I'd have to say the reason there is so much hate likely really reached a high point when some famous Harmonian started rewriting Book 6 to suit her needs... completely denounced JKR, etc etc... just got a bad wrap from there...

And it goes on like that. People throwing in their opinions, people who claim to be indifferent and wondering why people are still on about this...and, of course, the H/Hr'ers, the H/Hr supporters, and the "people can ship whatever they want!" show up to defend the fort:

greenhera: I'd like to know, too.

It's always the same argument: the shippers, "omg they're like brother and sister", they have no chemistry blah blah blah. What irritates me is that if the tables were turned, the OBHWF shippers would have had a small number gone insane if their ships weren't canon or JKR blasted them.

EVERY pairing has its crazy shippers...unfortunately, the small number of H/Hr crazies were brought to the spotlight because of the interview.

Who did JKR blast exactly? Did I miss an interview? More of putting Emerson's comments on her, I take it? And "if the tables were turned", I'm going to go ahead and say not as many people would have shipped R/Hr. They would have still existed, of course, but some people simply enjoy the author's choices and go with them. I know I shipped them because it was the direction JKR was going in and she gave me concrete reasons to ship them. She backed them up by showing us their growing attraction and I agreed with idea, so I jumped on board. So, no, I wouldn't have gone batshit had then not been canon because...I wouldn't have shipped them to begin with. I probably would have seen what ship she was giving us and made my decision accordingly.

sistermagpie: I managed to completely miss all the crazy Harmonian shippers in my years in HP fandom. I don't ship it, but the people I know who do are all completely normal and not delusional at all. ::shrug::

There's a few comments just like this. The "I never even knew the crazy existed...." to which I can only say that someone barely scraped the surface of this fandom (and I'm a little jealous of a world without the crazy...). I cannot even talk about Neville's grandmother's vulture hat without shipping SOMEHOW being brought up by someone, someone then criticizing JKR's choices, and then the "WELL IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN!" turning up.

We even get some apparent Slytherfen showing up! In response to someone claiming how H/Hr doesn't make sense because Harry sees her like a sister:

haloandthorns: Ah, see, Harry's line in the Deathly Hallows about Hermione being more like a sister read more like a slap in the face to me, and I don't even really ship Harry/Hermione.

I just didn't like the fact that JKR's such a bitch to her fans, especially to anyone who's a fan of her "bad boys" because they're obviously irredeemable, there's no shades of gray in this world, and they are evil, evil, evil.

It's why I got rid of all of my books. I was disgusted with the way she treats her fans.

When asked what he/she is talking about with this, "no shades of gray" comment, he/she responds:

haloandthorns: ...I just gave up on the series because I didn't like the shady morality. It's all steeped in her Calvinism that some people are just born good, and that no matter what shit they do, they can get away with it. She kept banging on about unity all throughout the books, only to have the school fractured between the Slytherins vs. everyone else. Not everyone in Slytherin is inherently evil, as Ron states in the first book, it just isn't possible, especially since only a small portion of the Slytherins have parents who are Death Eaters or who even support the movement. I mean, come on, not one Slytherin joins the fight at the end?

Then again, if the entire school had persecuted me as downright evil without even attempting to get to know me, then yeah, I'd say "fuck you", too and just leave.

We only need some Snape wives for Bingo....

OH, BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

The secret's OP finally turns up with her/his~*OMG SOCIAL EXPERIMENT*~ claims:

I’d like to thank you guys for proving me right. Apparently, two years after the series ended and despite numerous claims (on both sides) that we were all past the wank, we cannot seem to have an intelligent discussion on the romance in Harry Potter.

Some highlights from your comments (Yes, I read all of them):
Apparently, H/Hr shippers *beg* for wank with their batshit crazy-ness. Can you blame Harry and Hermione shippers for writing essays on why their pairing belonged together?(Which a great many of you cited as why you hated them) When R/Hr and H/G shippers did the exact same thing?

If Harry and Hermione shippers are batshit crazy, then so are Ron and Hermione shippers and Harry and Ginny shippers. Both sides thought that they were going to be ~*canon*~ and acted as such. There were assholes on BOTH sides.

One thing I’d like to point out, though, is that H/R and H/G shippers seemed to act “holier-than-thou” at many points during this “intelligent” discussion. As if they had never bitched about JKR, or never bashed. Yes, it’s annoying when H/Hr shippers do it, and it’s annoying when you do it as well.

I'm not denying that there aren't some Batshit!H/Hr shippers out there. I'd be lying as I know there are. However, you'd also be lying to say that there aren't any crazyass R/Hr or H/G fans out there. Why does H/Hr get such a bad rap when there are batshit crazies on BOTH SIDES?

Lastly, I’d like to thank the person who gave me an honest answer: “because it is fun to argue when you know you’re right.”

I enjoy how the only "honest" answer is that it's because it's fun to argue. Clearly, that's the only explanation. Or rather, it's the only explanation the OP allows themselves to accept. For me, one of the anonymous replies to this comment comes a little closer:

No, both sides didn't "think" they'd be canon....one side thought, the other side knew. THAT'S THE POINT THAT H/HR SHIPPERS DON'T GET.

There's lots more bickering and arguing and idiots on both sides, but there's wank galore...as there always is.

In which terri_testing casts scorn upon Albus Dumbledore

2009-10-25T06:35:47Z

I give you, first of all, The Secret Riddle: Albus's Collusion in Tom's Dirty Secret.

One of her little gems here is to create an apparent "contradiction" in two of Dumbledore's statements:

Who else realized the dread Lord Voldemort to be the former brilliant, charming Tom Riddle? Well, we have two statements by Albus on this, and they are diametrically opposed—in fact, incompatible. In HBP, Dumbledore stated, “I have not been able to find many memories of Riddle at Hogwarts…. Few who knew him then are prepared to talk about him: they are too terrified. What I know, I found out after he had left Hogwarts, after much painstaking effort, after tracing those few who could be tricked into speaking….”

Yet in CoS, Dumbledore had explained to the Weasleys, “Very few people know that Lord Voldemort was once called Tom Riddle…. He disappeared… underwent so many dangerous, magical transformations that when he resurfaced as Lord Voldemort, he was barely recognizable. Hardly anyone connected Lord Voldemort with the clever, handsome boy who was once Head Boy here.”

Well, Albus, which is it?

She's being disingenuous, and starting with the usual Snapefen premise of going OH THOSE HORRIBLE GRYFFINDORS YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THEM AT ALL.

I hate to use the high school thing, but honestly? How many people in your high school did you know outside of your grade/form/year cohort? Me, I could name maybe five people offhand. Even within my grade I only maybe really knew a few people; the rest were acquaintances whose names I knew, but not much more. I couldn't have told you who was the creeper who felt up girls at parties. I couldn't have told you who was the guy with the crazy cakes attraction to weird weaponry.

So if, years later, one of the folks I might have known in high school changed his name and became a killer, I would have had to be explicitly told of that connection, especially if I didn't remember his or her facial appearance very well. And that's not even taking into account deliberate physical changes, which Voldemort did undertake.

So there really isn't any contradiction. In a small wizarding world the chances of (1) people satisfying the above criteria of having intimately been acquainted with Tom Riddle well enough to know of his little pet name for himself, and (2) still being alive and accessible to Dumbledore umpteen years later are pretty damn small.

I'd say maybe ten people at most.

So it's no wonder that (a) those who are still alive (like oh, say, Slughorn), and (b) remembered young Tom back then would have reluctantly profferred information while the remainder of those who might have known Tom Riddle (like Hagrid) were missing a key piece of information: they were not in his intimate inner circle of Slytherins and never knew of his private name for himself.

There's probably more holes to poke in that argumentation.

On to the next entry; I provide for you A response to Marionros's speculations on Lucius in CoS. Never mind the fact that taking marionros seriously at all is a bit odd.

But that doesn't stop terri_testing from doing a little more Dumbledore bashing (ONLY SLYTHERINS CAN TRULY EXPLAIN OTHER SLYTHERINS is the unstated subtext it seems). She also does the usual ooh-I-can-copy-The-Red-Hen's-style (and even mentions Jodel/Red Hen so there's some double lulz there), which kind of ruins the meta. It's too bad since it actiually is an interesting explanation for what it takes to make a house-elf want to disobey his/her master.

I suppose har articles aren't too facepalm-worthy at the moment, but I think this picture is a fine riposte to terri_testing. :P

ETA:

Even more pompous bullshit here: Accessory after the Fact: Albus and the Invention of Lord Voldemort and oh look for the lulz she has another Pride and Prejudice reference with, of course, that Mr. Darcy featuring prominently. God I could just roll my eyes forever at this. (and ooh look, oryx_leucoryx fails by referring to a fan fic by duj as 'proof' of whatever point she was making.)

ETA2:

marionros won't shut up about narcissism. Please excuse me while I facepalm.

Jayne1955 Strikes Again...

2009-10-23T00:52:04Z

Whoever that mouse is on the wank report, they deserve a medal for wading through this crap.

Seems Jayne1955 decided to share her thoughts on ~~yaoi~~ that fucktard Harry Potter over on FAP.

She's in fine form acting like a clone of the Snapefen with her ability to interrogate the text from the batshit perspective and spew a ton of blather about the books.

Apparently there is wank in the rest of the thread too but I'm kind of iffy about poking through all that. :O

ETA:

I did look at the first page, and this defence of Harry Potter by zzz Epans is quite endearing in its simplicity:

I just don't understand it. He's so sweet, he's brave, he's cares so much about everyone...I mean, he even risked his life to save Malfoy! He's had a horrible life, he grew up way too fast, but he doesn't let that turn him into a bad person. I just really don't get it...

Psst, zzz Epans? Don't let marionros hear you say that. XD

ETA 2:

It has since been noted that Darth Gojira has been unutterably rude and condescending towards zzz Epans and others.

Classy. Too bad Twilight hasn't drawn away all the people who ingest crazy cakes on a cracker for a living.

Ginny Weasley Just Can't Catch a Break...

2009-10-20T01:22:00Z

PSA: Grabbed this one off the Wank Report as well.

I'm just agog at the sheer venomous viciousness with which these ... people? (assuming they are, and not just horrible facsimiles thereof) ... are venting on the vivacious Ginny Weasley.

Let's start off with this thread on Portkey. Most of the text is pasted unexpurgated from the wank report, but my commentary is in italics.

Scout : I hate ginny frickin weasley.

She's a fake, cruel, ugly fangirl who knows nothing about the real Harry, and did everything she possibly could to keep Hermione away from Harry.

Midnghtr72 : She is just a cruel little piece of work, with an amazing bat bogey hex that is so amazing people fall in love wit her for it. Really, can't we just get rid of this girl and add more Luna?

Add me onto that list...

thewall28304 : I think it's safe to say we all can't stand Ginny,because her character turned out to be a Jezebel and still won "the boy who lived".

And for a change, Ron Weasley gets a few lumps of his own.

thewall28304 : Most guys I know like yourself can't stand Ron and for a lot of good reasons. I don't understand why any female reader thinks Ron is a sweet person,when he spent most of the series acting like a jerk to Hermione.

Back to the outpouring of hate for Ginny with a small side of Ron-hate also...

lovesharry : MY most hated HP character is clearly Ginny. I cannot abide her and it isn't because she ended up with Harry, even though she doesn't deserve to be with him. As a Harmonian Harry and Hermione belong together. Ginny, quite frankly, be d@mned! She should have died instead of her brother, George!!!

Like I said, I HATE Ginny!

I dislike Ron immensely and it is obvious to me that he doesn't deserve Hermione. What WAS Rowling thinking?!!!

The anon poster on the wank report commented that he/she thought the below was particularly made of special. (I suspect special batshit wankery, personally.)

cakeandmilk :
*Enters a room where she finds Ginny Weasley*
*Approaches Ginny Weasley and gently takes her hands and looks her in the eye*

c&m: Oh my dear Gin-gin, why do you have to exist? You are a mere hindrance to H/Hr. Don't you know that? I mean Cho was wise enough to realize this and she stood back. But you! Are you not clever enough?! Or maybe you do realize that and you just wanted to be a villain against true happy ending??

*Ginny looks at c&m with wide tearful eyes*

*c&m brutally slaps Ginny* SLAP!

c&m: That's for being such a loser of a friend to Hermione, Ms. "Oh-don't-start-acting-as-though-you-understand-Quidditch!"

c&m: Harry doesn't love you! Never will! He loves Hermione! Are you Hermione? NO! You're Ginny bloody Weasley! So, leave them alone!

c&m: and you know what? Maybe you could actually be of use to everyone by being with dear old Draco. Now, that's what I call punishment and reward for you. *wink*

*c&m leaves the room gleefully leaving a stupefied Ginny behind*

Whew! That felt wonderful. So, there. Who says I'm brutal?

Good God. D: JK Rowling should make an announcement about this sheer fucked-up behavior about fictional characters.

PJlikesAUfanfic : Obviously I hate *paints target on forehead of said rodent* the most with super!gingin a close second.

cakeandmilk : Sweet, can I be the sniper? Screw Ginny. She can be hexed by Bellatrix for all I care. Or perhaps thrown off the Astronomy tower by Pansy. May her character suffer many foul and horrible Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Bean and may God have mercy on her soul.

Okay, I'm officially leaning away from the monitor now. Like, "ha-ha, I hope you're not anywhere near where I live because I'm allergic to this particular brand of batshit."

Scout : It's like Molly birthed the idiot and the fangirl, but let ignorant, ill-mannered, moronic, and incredibly stupid apes raise them.

Oh no wait, that was Molly. Sorry.

PJlikesAUfanfic : mad molly, wonwon, & gingin are all poster children of why too much pureblood inbreeding is not a good thing.

PJlikesAUfanfic : ( responding to Midnghtr72's sniping comment )
Yeah, of course you can. I think I'll join you.That makes me feel better now. I needed the cheering up after the week and weekend and Monday I've just had.

The OP says there's more of this crazy cakes on a cracker but I'm just like WTF I don't ever want to see this again. This picture says it all.

My face is going to be frozen in the D: shape for a while now. *facepalms*

Wank on, Harmoanians!

2009-10-14T02:20:49Z

PSA: I grabbed this off the wank report. Have inserted my own commentary throughout.

So apparently, over on Portkey, a thread has been created: Most Disappointing Scene in Book 7, What scene was the hardest for you to read?

Well, heaven forbid it be about Hedwig dying (I was shocked, TBH) or Harry finding out he had to die. Oh no, it has to be about the shipping!

pink.drea: 'Hermione and Harry's lack of communication and "need" of Ron'
That was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of character. I mean Ron and Hermione only started being friends because of Harry and throughout the series there were many times were Harry & Hermione worked perfectly fine together without Ron.
That was as forced as Harry/Ginny in HBP

I guess a guy and a girl can't be just friends at all. Not at all. As angakkuq has pointed out in some previous meta, Ron has been included by JK Rowling as the heart of a trio. Just as a three-legged stool stands very poorly on just two legs, so too have Harry, Ron and Hermione found that they don't get along as well without all three of them to complement each other.

Midnghtr72: Don't you just love the fact, that JKR had to completely destroy Harry and Hermione's friendship just to make OBHWF sail? Honestly its completely awful.

I detect large quantities of butthurt in this sector, Captain.

pink.drea: Totally, I mean if OBHWF was her intention from the beginning she should have had at least written the story accordingly to it. But, I guess Harry and Hermione's love and strengh as characters went beyond her imagination, which is weird since she created the story but still, it's the only way it makes sense (at least to me).

Well, aren't you just the leet literary critic there, pinky. You have a lot of nerve assuming you know more than JK Rowling does about her desired plot structure and evolution of the characters.

scout: Everything from the first chapter to the crapilogue that had the idiot, the bicycle, or molly in it.
All that was disappointing to me.

Stay classy, Harmoanians. You just keep on thinking it's perfectly fine to cast aspersions on a female like that.

In fact, here's a good jumping-off point for some meta, because what drives me nuts is how these people are adopting societal leftovers regarding how women can't feel free to date several people in succession and not be termed loose or easy.

So the question is: Why do Harmoanians bring these attitudes to fiction? Why is Hermione the only "strong woman" in the series who is permitted equality with males?

We can answer the first question by saying that there is an analogy to how Snapefen have been essentially backed into the untenable and unpalatable (at least to any sensible person, but considering terri_testing and marionros, well - who knows what sensible is for them?) corner of having to rationalize not just Snape's appalling behavior to Harry, Neville and others, but the Dursleys' appalling behavior towards Harry.

Harmoanians must find any way, no matter how unsavory, to ensure that Ginny's status vis-a-vis Harry is demeaned and degraded. So Ginny can't be a feisty, independent woman whose love of Quidditch and her shared experience of possession by Voldemort provides a common ground between Harry and her. She must be a horrid woman of 'loose morals' and unprincipled behavior who stops at nothing to 'ensnare' Harry in her clutches.

Enter the love potion and 'bicycle' tropes, and answering the second question in terms of whose love for whom is allowed to happen. Only Hermione is allowed to be an equal to Harry, because she's so very smart and intelligent, and Ginny must, perforce, not be smart, intelligent or in any way comparable to Hermione.

This paves the way for Harry to 'come to his senses'. As the Harmoanians see it, only the love between Harry and Hermione is pure and noble enough to qualify for their interpretation of why Dumbledore has repeatedly banged on about love being one of the most important aspects of magic not-commonly-understood in the series, since it enters into the prophecy spoken by Trelawney all those years ago.

[ Aside: Dumbledore may not understand the exact nature of why Lily's sacrifice protected Harry in that particular situation, but he does understand its implications; the willingness of someone to put all they are on the line against an enemy for the protection of someone else they love very much can create profound results. Enter his reluctant use of the Dursleys as the continuation of the protective mechanism Lily's death wrought. ]

But as the Deathly Hallows book has shown, Harry's own protective love is not entirely of the romantic kind, which shoots to pieces the Harmoanian premise. It is different; it is his love of his friends and for Hogwarts (which represented the only true home he'd ever known) that protects them even beyond his death and return. Yes, he thought of Ginny too, but that thought was not to the exclusion of all the other people he knew.

So to answer the Harmoanians' interpretation, romantic love alone is not enough. It is too narrowly focussed to suit the requirement of protection. After all, consider the kind of love that repelled Voldemort's possession of Harry: it was his love for Sirius (as well as, in hindsight of DH, his acceptance of death), clearly a non-romantic one, that helped expel Voldemort from his mind. The movie of OotP made this even more explicit: Harry specifically underlines that Voldemort has cut himself off from all the common bonds of humanity and this weakens him in a way he will never understand.

It is also clear that Harmoanians, in the pursuit of 'pure love' have completely discarded all these overarching themes of love in an increasingly shrill pursuit of validation of their Only True Ship, even to the point of retreating into ever more convoluted attempts to explain why Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson validate Harry/Hermione.

In the end the Harmoanians remind me of those ancient Greeks who insisted mathematical theory alone was enough to interpret the world, because it was the purest representation of nature while actually going out and seeing what really goes on in nature is messy and profane.

---

Credit for various ideas and concepts in this meta is hereby given to all STFU-ians who have elucidated them in prior discussions over Harmoanian wank. I have added my own, but as apocryphally reported to have been said by Isaac Newton or Albert Einstein, "If I see far, it is because I stand on the shoulders of giants".

Snapefen are doing a HP meme

2009-10-08T14:33:23Z

"Sum Harry Potter characters up with one word".

This one by mary_j_59.

And this one by her friend anne_arthur.

Dearest Anons

2009-10-06T17:11:23Z

Specifically, theorclair, CallMeBeat, and SimpleFaith -

You three have been shining examples of mice by signing your names and not trolling. Providing you are eighteen years of age or older (which you ought to be to be commenting here anyway), if you leave your email address - don't worry, they're screened - and preferred name in a comment I will get you three accounts.

ETA: After multiple years of creating accounts, it just hit me that "important registration information has been emailed ... containing further instructions" quite possibly/probably means that the password I give you will be sent, in which case you don't have to give me a password and I don't have to arduously write an email. If it doesn't, comment here and I'll tell it to you/send it to you.

Marionros the Internet Psychologist strikes again

2009-10-06T12:30:45Z

terri_testing wrote Second Chance - a fanfic that explaines what "really" happened to Ariana (canon explanation is, of couse, wrong). Snapefen in the comments decided that Dumbledore was in Slytherin or Ravenclaw, not Gryffindor, and terri_testing made an obligatory comment about evil Marauders. Then marionros arrived and gave us something very special. At first she tried to justify pureblood prejudice. Later she made several tl;dr comments, where she diagnosed Dumbledore, Harry, Hermione and JKR herself as narcissists and Snape as the victim of narcissist (scroll down to see those comments), and concluded all that with "my issues, let me show you them":

Y'know, my eldest sister is a narcissist. She's never seen the inside of a psychologist or psychiatrist's office, but when I came across the term, fifteen years ago, the description was so eerily spot-on, I decided to read everything about narcissism that I could lay my hand on.
I used to call my sister a 'walking black hole'; whatever love you threw at her, it was never enough. I'm not getting into detail, but surviving the clutches of a narcissist is difficult and it always leaves scars.
***
It just struck me that one of the reasons why I'm so immersed into Potter fandom when I hate those ruddy books, might be because, as the sister - and victim - of a narcissist, I'm subconsiously pulled to characters who remind me of my childhood. Who needs therapy, eh? Fandom is just as good and much cheaper. lol!

Shine on, crazy diamond.

In Praise of Ron Weasley

2009-10-05T03:45:16Z

Because the fellow needs some defending after seeing what some of the Internet trolls are getting up to over R/Hr and so on.

First off, this is a Ron-POV fic I came across which presents him as an ordinary, level-headed person. Mind, it's humorous as hell, but still, it doesn't present him as a complete blockhead: Harry's Little Army of Psychos

Second off, I dug up zoepaleologa's entry in which she writes a stirring defence of Ron.

Come one, come all - present your fic (or fic you've seen) and meta which shows Ron as a gentleman and ~~scholar~~ good friend to Harry and Hermione. :)

ETA: Modified some sentences to clarify that the fic I saw isn't mine, but was one of the first that came to mind when I wrote this entry.

R/Hr or death? Death, plz

2009-10-03T09:57:46Z

guardians_song posted a Snape/Hermione drinking game. ~~Harpsi-thing~~harpsi_fizz arrived with "R/Hr or death? Death please" icon and shared her thoughts on Ron/Hermione and R/Hr shippers:

The first time I read the books, I was like "Oh God... oh, God, she's going to be cliche and put those two together, isn't she? Oh, fuuuuck..." And from there on in, I felt as though I was pounded over the head with R/Hr.

I mean, the thing that drove me bonkers was that they had nothing in common as far as interests went and that there is no way in hell they would be even remotely compatible in real life. What do they talk about after Harry and Hogwarts? If I were given one common interest, I'd accept it. I honestly would. Now, some fan tried to palm this one- "They both hate Voldemort". Rather than watch my blood trickle from my ear with that one, I'll move on to my next point- the fans.

I hate to say it, but I also learned to hate R/Hr after watching how the R/Hr fans behaved. I tired to get answers from them as to why I ought to like the pairing (for I didn't want to hate it!) and all I got back was a endless stream of "It's so obvious!" and "Go re-read!" did not tell me what the appeal of that couple was other than "Hurp durp, I too stupud tuh think so I just like cuz it gon happen hurp durp".

Then there was the cruelty. Watching them bully with their fingers in their ears and make fun of the H/Hr shippers who were clearly just the underdogs and the shat on made me sick. Watching them try to paint all H/Hr shippers as stupid for liking what they liked, taking uncalled for pot-shots and just behaving like assholes made me really hate the pairing. Especially on JournalFen.

So the fans plus how unrealistic it was, plus the lack of variety, plus having it shoved in my face at every turn has got me literally saying Death Please. I'd rather Ron, my favorite character of all time, die than have to sit through R/Hr.

And yet I find solace in Hugo, whom I am planning on torturing. No offense, by the way, if you are an R/Hr fan. I know on a practical level that not all of the fans are unreasonable or stupid, but it always gets in my mind just a bit. Like... a tiiiny sand grain sized idea of it.
***
Yes, torturing Hugo. Drew a picture of him with a friend once and decided that I rather like the clueless idiot. Planning on a series called "Hugo Weasley's Diary" in which we see life through poor Hugo's eyes. He's so confused as to why daddy and Mr. Malfoy often visit with one-another at home and why they fish but never catch anything.

the_hms_stfu @ 2009-10-01T20:38:00

2009-10-01T16:43:52Z

The Serpent and the Songbird.

There is a lot of wank in the comments.

Pstibbons, the HermioneHusband...

2009-09-27T00:09:46Z

...has made TVTropes!

You may remember the utterly batshit fic A Very Alternate Yule Ball. Well, we're not the only ones to notice how awful it is. The fic has actually made TV Tropes' So Bad It's Horrible Fanfic page.

So do we congratulate him or what?

In which Snapefen discover canon....

2009-09-26T18:12:42Z

As noted in my previous entry, duj suddenly 'discovered' (or should I say rediscovered) book canon when it suited her purposes to do so.

Behold:

terri_testing's "less than rosy" view of Dumbledore.

Comment by oryx_leucoryx:

I love the Albus - Remus comparison. We really need to go over canon and compare how characters deal with serious guilt. Albus, Remus and Slughorn vs Regulus, Draco and Severus. And then there is Sirius.

So for once they will actually go and look at the books instead of making stuff up; it's a marvel! :P

ETA: by oryx_leucoryx again we have:

In a different discussion I brought up Dumbledore's lack of concern for the safety of the hundreds of minors under his care I was 'reminded' that the early books are more cartoonish and childish in their approach whereas the later ones were more realistic.

For them to take this long to realize what we all kind of already knew, that JKR likes to use a Roald Dahl-esque writing style in the first few books, really makes me wonder. It's why attempting to apply a buttload of srs bsns logic to the first couple of books in particular usually just makes one look like a pompous buffoon (esp when trying to make Snape look good and not just a giant bag of assbaggery).

But at least oryx is acknowledging book canon exists :P

Once again the downtrodden Slytherins mount up and ride...

2009-09-19T05:33:06Z

oryx_leucoryx writes "If Rowling insists on equating blood-prejudice with race-based antisemitism..."

The overall essay actually is quite well-reasoned and doesn't slip into Slytherfen apologia nor does it try to make the stupid equivalency between anti-Muggleborn prejudice and expressed dislike of Slytherin as somehow both being racist.

However, the comments...

Well, here's the gem from Lynn posting as Anonymous:

I agree that the Slytherins seem more paralleled with Jews than Muggle(born)s.

THIS PERSON FAILS SO EPICALLY A SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION IS A CANDLE COMPARED TO THIS FAIL.

I am now facepalming to avoid divoting my desk with my head.

ETA: Lynn cracked me up with this latest addition to the commentary:

As for the last paragraph: the stereotypes exist, unfortunately. They are blatantly untrue. Are you genuinely suggesting that I wish to present them as true? Just in order to make a point in a discussion of the Harry Potter books -- or do you believe I have a more sinister agenda?

Yes, we're just lying in wait 24/7 to leap upon deluded fen and claim that they're secretly plotting nefarious things.

Please. Delusion of fen is enough of a mockable hobby in and of itself we don't need to believe people like marionros and pstibbons have sinister agendas.

Though if I start seeing a pink Power Ranger that resembles Hermione Granger...

ETA2: duj came along in the last comment on that entry and while she had a point about movie canon leaking in (shockingly for a Snapefen, considering how much they make stuff up generally) she got all superciliously smarmy about it near the end.

Tin-hattery ad absurdam

2009-09-18T02:49:28Z

I'm sure most of you caught mariem_1's latest post on fandom_wank about terri_testing, mary_j_59 and others conducting a group-wank on the topic Hermione Granger—Voldemort in the Making.

If you didn't and you haven't just eaten, go check it out.

The gist? That because Harry doesn't end the series by leaving the magical world behind, these stories were clearly intended to be either tragedy or, more particularly, horror, not fantasy. Oh, and Hermione is THE GREATEST EBIL THAT HAS EBER LIBED (fictionally). (Here's a link to the original post by terri_testing)

In any case, thinking that the post was here on the_hms_stfu rather than in the more lulzy fandom_wank, I posted a Very Serious Response.

anima

Ah, it's back to the ol' "well, they ain't plaster saints" excuse. Everytime anybody points out that Harry or Hermione acts in any way immoral, this "you just want him/her to be a plaster saint" is flung out. No, we don't want plaster saints, we want normal human beings, not psychopaths. Yes, psychopaths. Psychopaths have no conscience or empathy, and I'd say Harry, Hermione, Dumbledore, the Twins, James and Sirius fit that description quite neatly.

What planet are you on?

problem

misunderstood what they were reading from the start.

unforgivable

a long and very unsatisfying conversation

mary_j_59

clearly

and yet he used not only an Imperius Curse, but a Cruciatus!

Harry LEARNED something by kinda-almost dying

anathema

ETA

Macbeth

ETA

The Macbeth Murder Mystery

The Chronicles of Narnia

because

had

drekh

that

***

So. Any thoughts?

When psibbons critiques a H/Hr fic...

2009-09-14T14:35:01Z

You know it's jumped the shark.

WARNING: The fic has graphic descriptions of underage sex. Do not click the link to the fic unless you can live with "what has been seen cannot be unseen". I had to quit reading and hit the reviews just to see what others have said about it 'cause I didn't want to find out what else the author had in store. For those who don't want to read the fic (fully understandable), what I gleaned is that the amount of Weasley bashing seems excessive and OTT.

The Real Us by Seel'vor has this review from pstibbons:

Best line: globule of tubercolotic sputum

It's a nice rant-fic, but really, it's pushing it. It would seem that nearly half the effort of Team Potter was spent on keeping up the charade to the Weasleys. And for what? Did the Weasleys really contribute anything to the battle? Would there really be that much dissension in the Order if the Weasels were let go? While it's fun to read all this post-war Weasley squirming, it seems too artificial.

I just died laughing. The link to that gem is here.

Petunia had it right: this is a world which steals children and never gives them back

2009-09-13T19:02:50Z

The Wizarding World and the Otherworld

ETA: marionros appeared in comments and is arguing that Harry, Hermione, Dumbledore, the Twins, James and Sirius are psychopaths.

ETA 2: now on fandom_wank.

the_hms_stfu @ 2009-09-07T12:32:00

2009-09-07T08:46:02Z

I found vaudree's predictions for DH on hpana:

1. Regulus Black is not the Bloody Baron
2. RAB is not the Bloody Baron
3. RAB is Regulus Arcturus Black
4. Mundungus Fletcher got himself arrested on Dumbledore’s orders so that he could 5. watch over Lucius Malfoy.

6. Zachariah Smith is related to Hepzibah Smith (same surname and both associated with Hufflepuff – though all Zack seems to like collecting is new bruises from Ginny probably because he likes her).
7. Only Gryffinders figure that Zachariah Smith’s Quidditch commentary is more biased than Lee Jordan’s.
8. Phineas Nigellus knows some of the reasons why Dumbledore trusts Snape
9. Minerva McGonagall and Myrtle are not related
10. Lupin will not be the new leader of the Order of the Phoenix because he is too much of a people pleaser to be effective in giving orders.

11. Dobby will become a full fledged member of the Order of the Phoenix and participate in the fight against Voldemort and the Death Eaters.
12. Nagini is in love with Voldemort because his animagus form is that of a snake and snakes go by sense of smell. It wasn’t Nagini who bit Arthur in the Ministry but Voldemort himself.
13. The longer one stays in one’s animagus form, the harder it becomes to resist the instincts and urges of the animal whose form one has taken.
14. The conversation between Harry and the Tom that came out of the Diary took place in Parsletongue.
15. Myrtle Will Be Used As a Weapon Against Dumbledore

16. The curse on the DADA position is lifted with Dumbledore’s death
17. Hagrid’s father was part goblin because he was too small to be a full blooded wizard.
18. Hagrid got his love of dangerous animals from his father (since Papa Hagrid likes big women and Fridwulfa likes smaller men).
19. Grawp is Hagrid’s mispronunciation Guelph, which was Fridwulf’s nickname for Papa (Ralph) Hagrid. It means little wolf and is one of the former names of the Britidh Royal family.
20. Grawp’s father was a mountain troll that Fridwulfa took up with because she was lonely without her husband and son.

21. Fridwulfa left her husband and son to protect them. She was afraid that they would become collateral damage if the Aurors tried to capture her in their presence. Fridwulfa also feared that Papa Hagrid might be killed trying to protect her.
22. Grunnings, the company Vernon works for, was founded by a wizard by the name of Alberic Grunnion.
23. Piers Polkiss is Peter Pettigrew’s son.
24. Dumbledore sent the Howler, not because he figured that Petunia would kick Harry out, but because he figured that Petunia would not be brave enough to stand up to Vernon to prevent Harry from leaving.
25. We will learn that the various forms of magic are not good or bad in and of themselves, it is the use to which the magic is put that makes it good or bad.

26. We will learn that Harry gave as good as he got when it came to Dudley.
27. Petunia’s tears usually cover up her laughter. For example, Petunia, like Harry, thought that Dudley looked silly in his school uniform and wanted him to go to another school.
28. Petunia fusses with Harry’s hair because she hasn’t given up on the idea that if she could get Harry and his hair to behave that Vernon would like him better.
29. Ludo Bagman was at the graveyard in front of the Riddle mansion.
30. Snape knew that Moody was Barty, the night Harry worked on the egg clue because he saw Barty’s name on the map.

31. Voldemort has not finished using the information he gained from Bertha Jorkin.
32. Goblins and House Elves were originally of the same people.
33. Fred is jealous of Percy, his other older brothers, and does his best to keep Ron down because he is afraid that Ron will outshine him.
34. Ron is racist against everything but muggles.
35. Firenze was Florence’s son.

36. Firenze will teach History or Astronomy after the Ministry does away with Divination.
37. Trelawney is fired and takes up her former residence at the Hogs Head.
38. Golgomath is a mispronunciation of Gulgoleth, which refers to the skull rolling around after its been cut off.
39. Lily was a Prefect during Snape’s Worst Memory.
40. Gryfindor Beat Slytherin for the Quidditch Cup During Snape’s Fifth Year.

41. Peter’s Silver hand, which is made partially of Unicorn blood, is Voldemort’s final Horcrux.

THEORIES I MAY NOT GET UP IN TIME

1. Neville Will Be a House Husband with a small Magical Plant business while the children are young and will then follow the children into Hogwarts as the Herbology Professor
2. Snape played Keeper for Slytherin.
3. Ginny used a Love Potion on Harry in HBP.
4. Harry will end up with Luna.
5. Ginny will End Up with Neville.
6. It will be revealed that Hermione tried to promote Ginny and sabotage Harry’s relationships with other witches because Hermione did not want Harry to date a girl that might later make a move on Ron.
7. George will be the First Weasley to Die

More here:

What about the following:

Ted who reads the Muggle news is Ted Tonks;

The Carrows are Werewolves;

Crookshanks is not an animagus (because he cannot control his transformations) but his other form is that of a wizard;

Snape was a Prefect;

Snape was the Slytherin Keeper during the final against Gryffindor in Fifth year;

Percy is neither as straight-lace nor as rule abiding as Harry and Ron think he is;

Ripper is an animagus and the real perpetrator of the events which happened the day Marge started to remind JKR of the Pig balloons at a Pink Floyd concert.

That JKR has better taste in music than Lady Diana;

That Minerva McGonagall and Augusta Longbottom are sisters;

That Harry is a Horcrux;

That Snape and Petunia once dated;

Snape joined the DE to protect the woman he loved, her sister, his mother, and his sister Irma - or, more correctly, in exchange for their protection;

Snape actually knows how to make the Wolfbane Potions so that it both tastes good and is effected - but doesn't want to.

That Dudley has been jealous of Harry for years;

That Dudley and Draco will be a couple and Pansy will take solace in Blaise's arms (the Belinda Stronach, Peter MacKay, Tie Domi, Condi Rice theory)

That Colin and Dennis Creevey AND Dudley's friend Dennis were both named for their grandfather - Dennis Bishop;

That George is slightly younger than Fred;

George will be the first Weasley to die;

That McG and Hagrid will get together;

That Luna is a descendant of both Dumbledore and Ollivander;

That Snape's Patronus is a Unicorn and that it reminds him of Petunia.

Weasley-bashing fic ahoy!

2009-09-06T07:41:41Z

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the Ron The Death Eater page on TV Tropes before. It's relatively new, and I've been keeping an eye on it. Thought you all might like to have a look at some examples of the sheer WTF typists can get up to.

"No, you have fame fortune girls throwing themselves at you and best of all everywhere you go in this world people will know who you are and I am the sidekick," yelled Ron "And dam it you took the one thing I had that you didn't have Hermy was mine!" (A New Beginning)

"...and he [Ron] apparently was promised Hermione as a reward for his manipulation of myself over the years, by none other that Dumbledore, in cahoots with Molly. They were going to dose me and Hermione, set me up to be killed in the battle with Tom, and take my estates to be divided up between their little coalition.. Ron was to get Puddlemere as a present,Ginny and Molly the Potter name and money.. this is something I will not forgive." (Bring To Order)

"It's not what I want, Potter, but what my sister wants. You see, when you married Hermione, Ginny was terribly jealous, she wanted you as her husband. So, she and I hatched this plan. If your family was killed, then she could comfort you and worm her way into your heart and eventually be your wife. Hermione was supposed to be mine too but you ruined that for me. I'm sad she had to die but I'm not about to have your leftovers as it were. So the deal is this: You agree to marry Ginny and you can have your children back. Ginny always wanted children and she doesn't particularly care that they're Hermione's either. An adoption potion can take care of that." (Erasing History—note that in addition to killing Hermione, Ron then goes on to MURDER HARRY’S CHILDREN IN FRONT OF HIM, even though Harry had pretended to yield to his demands. Harry manages to defeat Voldemort, and then is apparently thoroughly stymied by RON?)

Molly: Ginny, you've got to calm down. Minerva has caught you four times with different boys.
Ginny: That just goes to show that she's not as informed as she thinks. She missed five others, Mum. Look, with everything I'm doing for you, you can cut me some slack. That pathetic half blood upstairs must be a eunuch. I haven't managed to get a bit of action out of him.
(Harry Potter and the Marriage Contracts—the author seems to utterly hate Ginny, I've noticed)

More DosingHarryWithLovePotion!Ginny fics (because clearly there aren't tnough of those--seriously, it's a freaking subgenre!): The Pureblood Conspiracy, Harry Potter and The Acts of Betrayal, Antithesis, Summer of Independence... and a whole essay that tries to “prove” Ginny was doing this in canon.

There’s one time-travel fic (post-Epilogue) that has Ginny (who is suddenly EEEVIL) poison all three of her children and then try to do the same to Harry, so she can “have the Potter fortune and fame” all to herself. Harry then kills her. After disassociating himself from the Weasleys, who he blames for the whole thing, Harry goes into the past and, among other things, sterilizes Molly Weasley after Ron is born. Check out the summary: “The Deathly Hallows Epilogue was truly unsatisfying. Here's the rest of the story that begins about two years after the DH Epilogue. Not for Ginny enthusiasts. Character Deaths. Time Travel. Avenging!Harry.”
. . .
The author (a guy, of course) not only loves the MustacheTwirling!Dumbledore trope but wants to have its babies. He seems to loathe all of Harry’s canon influences (save, strangely enough, for Sirius Black). Fortunately, he seems to have stopped writing character-derailing HP fic and is sticking with Naruto.

Good freaking grief…

Another from the FixFic page: "Ginny Returns", a time-travel fic that has Ginny go back after Harry is dead and the war lost, fix EVERYTHING... and still take the time to bash Ron every few minutes for being a twelve-year-old boy (even his own sister hates him!). The author has a hard-on for Ron-hate.

Gah...

Also, the Harry Potter section of the Alternatative Character Interpretation page is top-to-bottom wank, though to be fair it might just be listing said alternate interpretations. The Just Bugs Me page is definitely wanky.

The Draco In Leather Pants page even links to STFU.

(Edited because I utterly fail at HTML---sorry about that!)

Two Harmonian fanfics

2009-09-03T15:08:20Z

Those fics aren't new, but I think they deserve to be posted here:

The Interview of Dreams and Once In A Lifetime (4 chapters) by gluglug.