Why was Jacob, JACOB, allowed to be the one to do the American Idol Gives Back recaps? What terrible imp of fate put him on the firing line for this week instead of Joe R? WHY????

Note. I am aware that Jacob has a fulsome, almost unreadably digressive side in many of his TWOP recaps, but at least with American Idol he was given an assignment so inherently shallow that there was little for him to do other than snark and actually deliver the funny. But noooo.... American Idol had to have a serious episode, and he had to be the one to recap it, and.... OMG....

Five dollars, twenty dollars, five million, ten million: Band-Aid on a cancer victim. Your life and mine are built on this blood, and you can't take down the whole system, you can't rebuild from scratch without things getting worse than they already are. So the revolution's off the playlist. But this is the opposite of that: words, not action, applied to the wrong wound. They're giving the right answer but it's to the wrong question. The question is not "How can I help?" The question is, "Why is it happening?" It's a question nobody ever wants to ask, because it's too scary: there's nobody driving the bus. We're living on Craphole Island, with the moss growing up and around us, and the hopeful dreams and socialism of the sixties fading out into the hedonism and selfishness of the seventies and the sudden onset of responsibility and emotional lobotomy of the eighties, gears whirling all around us in a machine that lost its central guidance system a long time ago. I think something broke during World War II, or before that, and now it's just the game playing us. Enough bad press and even ExxonMobil can cough up a Band-Aid or two. There's nothing inherently wrong with capitalism, but extended out into infinity, the game of wealth accumulation will crush you between those gears, and what will you do then? Sing a fucking song? Pray for rescue? Maybe there's no room for hope in that story any more. And if that's true, then we need a new story, and if that's true, the most powerful thing you can do is reach across the divide and say, "You're not alone." And that's the story you continue to tell, until we all believe it.

*cries*

Worst. Recap. Ever.