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snarkhunter (![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} snarkhunter) wrote in ![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/community.gif){kind=small} unfunny_fandom, |
Yeeeeah...
I kind of feel that way about a phrase I have a love/hate relationship with: "put on your big girl panties and [take action here]."
The correct response when righteously called out for douchebaggery is always to evaluate your words/actions, apologize, and shut the fuck up when you've been stupid. And that requires maturity, humility, and often an ability to let someone else have the last word.
And maybe I'm being a bit...hyperbolic? in saying that I feel like there's coded ableism in that kind of comment. But to me, there's an implication of, "If you can't accept it without feeling hurt, then you're just not enough of a grown-up/strong enough/stable enough to be having conversations on the internet." And if your particular mental illness tends to manifest itself as intense self-loathing for even small mistakes, it can be devastating. And, sure, that's the person's own problem, but on some level I see some use of those phrases as a dismissiveness that faintly reminds me of the argument over trigger warnings.
I AM NOT SAYING THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE CALLED OUT. I just want to reiterate that. It's very important that we be called on our mistakes so that we can learn to be better. And the person who is called out IS responsible for his or her behavior. Feeling hurt does not mean that it is ever appropriate to post a whiny flounce about how meeeeeeeeeeeaaaan everyone is or how [non-privileged group] should just be *nicer*. But phrases like 'put on your big girl panties and deal with it' or 'don't be so sensitive' are a little bit dismissive of whatever emotions the person might be feeling. (Of course, those phrases aren't usually tossed at someone who has not displayed the whiny flounce, so those who are sensible enough to apologize for being hurtful and then keep their mouths shut are generally not in danger of having whatever feelings they may have directly dismissed.)
::shrug:: I don't know. I don't want to be all "white women's tears" or anything, and again, I don't think this means that people shouldn't be called out or that the tone argument is flawed. I am just expanding on your point about the complexity of emotional response, I guess?
I kind of feel that way about a phrase I have a love/hate relationship with: "put on your big girl panties and [take action here]."
The correct response when righteously called out for douchebaggery is always to evaluate your words/actions, apologize, and shut the fuck up when you've been stupid. And that requires maturity, humility, and often an ability to let someone else have the last word.
And maybe I'm being a bit...hyperbolic? in saying that I feel like there's coded ableism in that kind of comment. But to me, there's an implication of, "If you can't accept it without feeling hurt, then you're just not enough of a grown-up/strong enough/stable enough to be having conversations on the internet." And if your particular mental illness tends to manifest itself as intense self-loathing for even small mistakes, it can be devastating. And, sure, that's the person's own problem, but on some level I see some use of those phrases as a dismissiveness that faintly reminds me of the argument over trigger warnings.
I AM NOT SAYING THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE CALLED OUT. I just want to reiterate that. It's very important that we be called on our mistakes so that we can learn to be better. And the person who is called out IS responsible for his or her behavior. Feeling hurt does not mean that it is ever appropriate to post a whiny flounce about how meeeeeeeeeeeaaaan everyone is or how [non-privileged group] should just be *nicer*. But phrases like 'put on your big girl panties and deal with it' or 'don't be so sensitive' are a little bit dismissive of whatever emotions the person might be feeling. (Of course, those phrases aren't usually tossed at someone who has not displayed the whiny flounce, so those who are sensible enough to apologize for being hurtful and then keep their mouths shut are generally not in danger of having whatever feelings they may have directly dismissed.)
::shrug:: I don't know. I don't want to be all "white women's tears" or anything, and again, I don't think this means that people shouldn't be called out or that the tone argument is flawed. I am just expanding on your point about the complexity of emotional response, I guess?
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