Misery loves company's Friends

it's the internet and having to talk about myself, tbh.
On Sun, Sep 9, 2012 at 7:05 PM, Nepenthe Garland
<this_kind_nepenthe@yahoo.com> wrote:
> This is going to sound shitty but I'm trying to understand. Is it just the
> internet? I know you're doing things with taybeck so the hiding thing seems
> odd.
>
> ________________________________
> From: ginandironic <ginandironic@gmail.com>
> To: Nepenthe Garland <this_kind_nepenthe@yahoo.com>
> Sent: Sunday, September 9, 2012 6:00 PM
> Subject: Re:
>
> it did and it didn't? i think i just reached saturation point and
> can't deal with life hahahaha. i'm like FUCK EVERYTHING /hdies.
>
> and ty bb, i'll call you as soon as i'm capable of speech.
>
> On Sun, Sep 9, 2012 at 3:48 PM, Nepenthe Garland
> <this_kind_nepenthe@yahoo.com> wrote:
>> Oh god, I hope nothing else in your life has gone wrong. Life seriously
>> needs to cut you a break. Anyway, no pressure, you know I'm here etc.
>> That sounds flip but you know I'm serious.
>>
>> ________________________________
>> From: ginandironic <ginandironic@gmail.com>
>> To: Nepenthe Garland <this_kind_nepenthe@yahoo.com>
>> Sent: Sunday, September 9, 2012 1:34 PM
>> Subject: Re:
>>
>> gaaaah the email I sent you from my phone didn't go through. not
>> ignoring you, just can't life.
>>
>> On Sun, Sep 9, 2012 at 2:56 AM, Nepenthe Garland
>> <this_kind_nepenthe@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>> You seem to be ignoring me again. Did I piss you off or are you just
>>> stressed out? I don't need War and Peace, just please let me know one
>>> way
>>> or the other.

So I've been pondering our ill-conceived AIM convo off and on since it
happened, and I figured I'd just type this up while it was fresh AND
I'd had time to ~mull~
First I will say that a lot of our growing apart, for wont of a better
term, was definitely on me. 99% of it was entirely accidental and
circumstantial or because I made a choice that did not end up being
helpful to anybody in the long run. Like, idk, the BIGGEST THING was
the phone. And I know I don't talk about my feelings a hell of a lot,
and most of my bitching comes across as straight up bitching, or
funny, and that does my situations huge disservices. People figure
out after the fact that shit got real, and partially that's because I
can't stand sympathy when I feel helpless or whatever.
So when I say I literally could not talk on the phone except for once
in a blue moon -- and those times I had to basically either get tipsy
or disregard extreme anxiety/forget about pissing people off -- I mean
that. Utterly. Everything could be heard in that house, and there
was a creepy, eavesdroppy vibe. I'd come out of my room and hear SO
THAT WAS AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION and shit would be discussed or
mocked. Jenny would come into my room and have Shit To Say without so
much as a can I come in? When she was at work, James went to bed at
like 10, 10:30, and he could still hear every word I said, so even
having a "this was what happened to me at school" convo was hard to
concentrate on because all I could think about was being overheard. I
kept him up, too, and after the first two or three times he pulled me
aside and talked to me about it. So when I called ANYONE, gma, the
insurance company, it was like I was being fucking wire-tapped. I
just want you to understand exactly how much shit was going down; I'm
probably harping but it really made me angry and upset that you
compared this to when I was in school after my mom died and we talked
every day. It is so not like that at all. The situations aren't
remotely similar. I lived by myself and I hated school half the time.
Now I hate basically every second I'm at home, but whatever.
Re: Taybeck, once I realized or you'd pointed out that I wasn't
calling you like I could I did try to call you more. Taybeck's is
definitely a safe place, but that's part of the problem. I spend my
time out, or gaming, or watching fucking ENDLESS MOVIES, that I lose
track of what I'm doing or think it's a bad time to call. It is SO ON
ME that I didn't call more. idk why I didn't? I mean, contributing
factors -- when I'm in school I go to bed earlier here, and Tay's
stayed up later and later, blah blah excuses blah. Plus unfort I
think getting into the habit of not talking to you daily meant I
didn't really dwell on not talking to you -- it just was what it was.
Shitty and sad when I thought about it, but pretty much distant from
me. I'd whine about Jenny/the situation and EVERY TIME it was topped
off with "and I really miss talking to Nep every day."
Another factor was the Glee thing. When I'm especially miserable, I
cling to escapism like a champ. See: Supernatural when my mom died.
And I am an obnoxious cunt who wants to spread my feverish obsessions
to anyone who will sit down long enough. See: Supernatural, Jobros,
Criminal Minds back in the day, whatever flavor of the month fandoms
I've been in -- even ZQ/Trek, which luckily we both sort of shared.
And I ALWAYS feel like a toolbag, especially when it's a fandom that
you or whoever (Jewelz normally) has no interest in remotely joining.
Gleeeeee. Every conversation I have, mental and otherwise, turns to
that shit. That NO ONE CARES ABOUT BUT ME, 15% OF MY FLIST, AND
MACIE. So I weeded out talking about it where I could, which
essentially meant weeding out conversation in general. I found myself
feeling lame and bothersome and kind of irritated that no matter what
I tried, this shit was kept to a small circle of people. We didn't
have much of a fandom in common, and there wasn't really another thing
I could latch onto that held my interest for more than thirty seconds.
I neglected errbody because of what I was going through, and
therefore what I clung to; school, Glee, whatever.
I kind of want to take a detour to talk about school for a minute,
because this has been bugging me since I went back. I was
apprehensive about going back because it basically restructured my
entire life and not in ways I was comfortable with. Like, my sleep
schedule, my DOING NOTHING ALL DAY AND WALLOWING schedule, my Nep and
friend-time schedule. But I was determined to do it, or at least try,
and... eugh, this makes me feel guilty to talk about but we try and be
honest. It felt like you really wanted me to fail. Well, okay, NOT
wanted because you are NOT that person, but expected me to. With math
it's sort of understandable because I am defeatest about that shit,
for good reason, and while you were supportive a lot of the time (hard
to explain; you were, a lot, but you also weren't), you'd basically
compare me to yourself and be like, dude, there's no way, you'll
eventually break down with it. A lot of the time I agreed with you,
because it was hard, but after a while it started to bug me. It was
like, well you should give up now because ultimately you'll freak out
and stop. And I knew both of us were miserable about the change in
our schedules. Idk, like I said I feel guilty bringing this up
because you're my boo and I KNOW you weren't actively trying to
discourage me, but it got depressing to talk to you about something
that I was really trying earnestly to do. I was gaining a little bit
of myself back, and it was being devalued with low expectations.
So, off that topic. I blah blah blah'd about my circumstances with
Jenny before, but the shit that has gone down in the last few days
makes me realize yet again how much I leave out. So Jenny and James
were basically abusive to each other 24/7. I had to deal with her
owing me so much money I had to beg for gas funds from my grandma, or
cat food, and her alternating between acting like it wasn't happening
or being a passive-aggressive (OR AGGRESSIVE, THAT'S FUN) bitch about
it to me. I started making myself sick over it, and staying up at
night crying. Unable to really talk to anyone about it because 1) no
phone, 2) I hate talking about shit when I feel like I'm helpless, as
I said. I'm trapped in this fucking apartment with people screaming
at each other all the time, saying hateful shit, and normally fighting
doesn't bother me, I roll my eyes, but this shit got scary and Jenny
would THROW THE ONLY PERSON ASIDE FROM ME PAYING BILLS out of the
apartment. I had to walk around on eggshells, appease and assuage
someone I fucking HATED most of the time, and then I had numerous
transportation issues, car accidents, NO MONEY, no way out that I
could see. If I up and left, Jenny would probably light my shit on
fire and I'd NEVER SEE MONEY BACK, and I had to think and think of a
way to orchestrate my exit in a way that wouldn't lead to that.
Finally, finally figured it out. Finally. Like, even RECENTLY, after
all of her apologies and promises, she's supposed to send me $200 for
Vegas after depleting my Vegas funds with rent I had to pay on her
behalf. I let her do it, or made plans for her to deposit it, on a
Monday instead of the Friday she got paid because I knew it'd be
difficult for her to do it then. I gave grandma the deposit slip and
the instructions and Jenny knew exactly what was going down.
Day I leave approaches. Jenny has no gas money. I'm like :| THIS IS
SO UNCOOL AND RIDIC and she obv went off on me like a crazy fucking
person. So I back down a little and go into my calm NOTHING IS WRONG
WE'RE COOL BRO state, which I hate but have to live in basically all
the time. She finally says she'll get some from her FUCKING BOYFRIEND
THAT I CAN'T STAND BEING AROUND and oh btw he's coming on the trip
too!!!!! Day to leave = ready, headed for bank to cash a check
grandma KINDLY GAVE ME, Jenny's all SIGH NO GAS. ... okay here's 10,
and another 10 for cat food or whatever. I actually ended up giving
her like thirty because she was a cunt ho and I needed her to not
stand me on the side of the road SHE IS LEGIT THAT CRAZY I AM NOT
FUCKING BEING HYPERBOLIC. I get to airport, get on plane. Monday
rolls around. Text her with hey don't forget to get the money to gma
before five, think my bank closes then. She texts me back with I'M AT
THE FUCKING COAST DUDE TRYING TO ENJOY MY DAY >:0 and I'm like, WHAT
EVEN I WASN'T BITCHY AT ALL, and she continues to swear at me and be
like NOT DOING IT TODAY, OH BTW IT'LL ONLY BE 100 BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET
PAID FOR THIS SHIFT I LIED ABOUT TAKING NO SERIOUSLY I'M STILL LYING
ABOUT IT BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT, so I have less money, and
I'm like FUCK FINE JUST SEND ME 100 IDC IDC. But rn she's
text-yelling at me and being like NOT DOING IT UNTIL TOMORROW until I
text yell at her back and she feels guilty enough to drive home
asklfnsknla and do it.
I was super glad I'd asked tay to pick me up because the day I go to
return home comes and she texts me with HAVE NO GAS AND HAVE TO WORK
ANOTHER BULLSHIT SHIFT THAT I AM NOT ACTUALLY WORKING. WHO IS GETTING
YOU FROM AIRPORT. Well, clearly not you, you fucking cunt. ARGH
anyway this is the shit that I live with and I want to kill everyone.
btw speaking of Vegas, I am so sorry that you felt like I ignored you.
Looking back that is totally legit, but I was NOT TRYING TO. I was
trying to be inclusive, actually, and I was excited and you're still
the first person I want to Tell Things To. But I'm in a hotel room
with macie, who seems to be unmindful of the fact that I am on the
phone -- I put you on speaker so we could all pal around -- and she
basically starts DEMANDING MY ATTENTION and screeching over something
or other so I'm like, fuck this is lame, I'mma let you go because hey,
I'M HAVING TO IGNORE YOU. So yeah, that had to have sucked and I am
SORRY. My attempt to be inclusive ended up just being a douche move
all around.
Sigh. I feel like this letter is a lot of tl;dr shit that isn't
addressing how you must feel. I got so upset because in my mind the
root of our problems was, well, all the above. I feel like our
~growing apart~ is MOSTLY circumstantial. I still maintain that.
Shifting fandoms and my laziness -- which I made an actual effort to
fix, and made to poke you more times on AIM -- and general shit did
get in the way, too, and that sucks. I don't know precisely how to
mitigate that. I hope it's fixed when I get to my own place or at
least away from Jenny. I peer at this situation from your perspective
and you got the shittiest end of the stick, but I also know that
between my close-lippedness and lack of explaining shit, as I do, that
you assumed I was more careless or lazy or whatever than I actually
was. I impress upon you, I was usually fretting over our lack of
bffness.
Oh, and speaking of the other night when I went to call you, NO, I
could not have found a spare moment to talk to you. I'm sorry. The
more I think about this, the angrier I get. NO, I could not have. It
was not going to be a priority, ever. What was a priority was keeping
James from THROWING OUR SHIT OUT ON THE STREET, or worrying when Jenny
came home if it was going to escalate into a fistfight or if I was
going to watch her throw him over my couch or if he was going to yank
her around by her hair again. I was standing there crying and
freaking out and if I was going to call anyone it would be the police.
After he finally left, I took an Ativan to forestall what I could
feel was a panic attack (and I've had like three of those IN MY WHOLE
LIFE) and passed the hell out. I was also dealing with the certainty
that we wouldn't be able to make June rent with James gone, and it
would fuck up my rental history, and also our electricity is about to
be shut off, which is in MY NAME, more history fuckup. How do I tell
Jenny I'm leaving, what is even happening, why is this my life, I WANT
TO BE BACK IN VEGAS WHERE EVERYTHING IS BOOZE AND KLAINE AND NOTHING
HURTS. I couldn't even CALL YOU AND TELL YOU ABOUT VEGAS because
those stories were personal and precious to me and I did not want them
dissected by a cunt that I hate but have to pretend to love and SUBMIT
TO. The next day was of equal fuckery, going to my grandma's and
deciding that I was going to tell Jenny I was moving out, dealing with
my shitty uncle who hates me and begging him to help me move. You got
shafted again, but fucking seriously, where in there was I going to
call you and have ANY DISCUSSION ABOUT ANYTHING, let alone this
extremely serious conversation that I honestly did not forsee coming?
I am so miserable and distracted and short-sighted in that that I
couldn't see how much you were hurting. I get on AIM to find you
understandably upset and it's BECAUSE OF ME and I'm like, r u fuckin
kiddin me? WHY IS THIS MY LIFE. and you, because it's AIM and
there's no intonation, are accusatory and upset and probably not in a
frame of mind to hear this long-ass explanation for why shit sucks and
why you've been shafted like you have. Then you say shit that makes
me want to throw my computer monitor across the room and start
SCREAMING and you are the last person on earth who deserves that. It
did upset me that you were too emo to talk about it, because I do feel
like that's a copout, because what if I really needed to? I am
hurting in thsi too, which I think you don't take into much account.
I did not choose much of my situation, and I reiterate that a lot of
your not grasping thsi was my fault entirely. I am not that much of
an asshole to forget you, or to intentionally blow you off. I love
you like family. More than family. I always will.
EUGH plus you're chillin' with jewelz, which I HAVE WANTED FOR YEARS,
and it's awesome, or it SHOULD BE but I know a lot of it is rooted in
mutual boredom and commiseration. well, that could be paranoia, but I
actually know her pretty well, and you both admitted that you talk
about me. and I see more PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE EMO POETRY HAS BEEN
POSTED ABOUT ME, which is annoying because that is constructive to
none of this, YOU PEOPLE NEED TO TALK TO ME EVEN IF YOU THINK IT IS
GOING TO GO POORLY A LA AIM. I can't apologize if I don't fully
understand how upset you are, or what is going on. I want you guys to
be friends really badly but I am getting an uncool behind my back
vibe. Please correct me on thsi immediately if I am being
oversensitive, which I feel like I am. I know you pretty well, and
you don't tend to talk about people behind their back, but you HAVE
and I feel like your desire to talk to me about thsi shit not being
fulfilled made it more intense for you. and a little acrimonious, I
ain't gone lie. You're entitled to that but I am also entitled to
show you why that is not cool to me.
I don't know what else to say. Spitting this out in an email sucks.
But until I move out, it's all I got, bb. I love you, I love you so
much, it is frustrating to me that this seems to have been mangled or
not seen clearly through the shitfuck that has been my life and also
my behavior over the last six/seven months.
<3333