Perez Hilton: now starring in "House of WHUT."

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I know this is all over the mainstream media, but damn it, some of it's funny.

Except for the bits that really, really aren't.

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Perez Hilton, gossip-purveyor and celebrity-dirt-disher to the internet, got punched in the face in Toronto after the Much Music Video Awards.

That's assault, and what do you do when someone assaults you? You contact the police.

And, of course, it's completely rational to think the police follow you on Twitter.

Perez Hilton's Twitter log, as reported by The Superficial and The Daily Mail

-- I'm in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.
...about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

-- I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.
...about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

-- Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.
...about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

-- I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here.
...about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

-- The Toronto police are here now. Thank you. Please stop calling them.
...about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

-- Thank u all from the bottom of my heart for ur concern. The police are investigating the assault now. I did the right thing by reporting it.
...about 3 hours ago from web

For those of you lucky enough to not know who this guy is, here's a quick-and-admittedly-grudge-wanky history of Perez Hilton: He is kind to children. All children. He is respectful of those with whom he disagrees. He is gracious.

Now, you'll note in the Twitter log that Perez names his attacker: Will.I.Am from the Black-Eyed Peas.

Will.I.Am takes exception to this. Via video-blog.
Perez Lies!

Highlights:
"This dude twists it and says I assaulted him when I was the one who came to him with respect and he was the one who called me a faggot outside the club."

"[i]nstead of calling the police, you twitted that I assaulted you. Sounds like somebody wants mad attention and is not really concerned about his health. I didn't hit you."

"Shame on you, shame on your behaviour, and that's just messed up. Peace."

Perez takes exception to Will.I.Am's exception, also via video-blog, but he takes a lot longer to do so--about 12 minutes. There's some good lulz to be had at the wankiness in there, but whoa embarrassment squick. He cries and swears a lot at the end.
(The video is NOT SAFE FOR WORK due to language.) Will.I.Am Lies!

Highlights:
"Violence is never the answer. Ever. No matter what anyone says. Blood should never be drawn. Another person should never be hit. That's why people die."

"That's when I made the split-second decision that I was going to say what I thought was the worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear. ... I told him, 'And you know what, I don't need to respect you and you're a fag. You're gay and stop being such a faggot.'"

Note: Perez Hilton is himself openly gay and has been very vocal in the fight to overturn Proposition 8 in California. I don't know about you, but I'm having a big ol' WHUT over his choice of insults.

Further highlights:
"Will.I.AM, Fuck you. You fucking lied, you fucking motherfucker."

"And Will.I.Am followed us to the hotel! Which is where they were also staying."

"Fuck you Will.I.Am for lying. Shame on you. God is looking down on you and shaming you."

"I have lost all respect for all of you, and the Black-Eyed Peas, and Fergie, your fugly bitch."

(Note: Fergie is the lead singer of the Black-Eyed Peas. She's not every girl-appreciater's cup of tea, but she's still hella hot.)

If you actually watched the video, you'll note that--Perez's ire toward Will.I.Am notwithstanding--he is now blaming the Black-Eyed Peas' manager, Polo Molina, for the actual fist in the face. The police seem to agree with this, in that Polo is the man they've charged with assault.

No word yet on whether Will.I.Am will be getting an apology.

Now, about that "faggot" remark...

You can view a herky-jerky video recording of the altercation here. The conversation is not exactly as Perez Hilton reported, but close-ish, and he actually says, "You're not a fucking artist; you're a fucking faggot."

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation is not impressed.

"We have reached out to Hilton and asked him to apologize for promoting this anti-gay slur, and we would ask media outlets to avoid repetition of the slur in their coverage of this story.

For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is, quote, 'The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,' is incredibly dangerous.

It legitimizes use of a slur that is often linked to violence against our community. And it sends a message that it is OK to attempt to dehumanize people by exploiting anti-gay attitudes."

This gets Perez feeling all victimized again:

"I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me."

Dude. How hard is it to "intellectualize" things enough to refrain from calling someone a "fucking faggot"?

Well, never fear. Perez has now issued The Great Passive-Aggressive Apology of Martyrdom in the form of this teal
deer.

Highlights:
"My intention - however misguided it may have been - was to stand up for myself and tell this belligerent man that I had enough of his badgering and was not going to continue to let him berate and intimidate me. I wanted to hurt him with the word I chose, not anyone else."

"I have been extremely bothered by the public reaction to my assault. Violence should never be condoned with such statements as "It's Karma" or "I don't believe in violence but….". In fact, several television and radio shows over the past couple of days echoed the sentiment "He had it coming". Would they have said the same thing if I was a woman? Would I have "deserved it" if I had been stabbed? Or shot? Or killed?"

"I feel like everything happens for a reason and I leave this traumatic experience as a person with more compassion."

Perez, I agree you shouldn't have been the victim of violence. But what I don't get is why you're surprised by it, 'cause dude? You're an asshole. All those times you were picking on sixteen-year-old girls, you didn't consider you might get your lights punched out for it someday? Like, really?

But let's end on a high note with some bonus lulz! John Mayer twitters also.

John Mayer's Twitter log, as reported by The Superficial

I love that @perezhilton uses his cellphone to log on to twitter to post a tweet to ask his followers to call the police for him.
...about 9 hours ago from web

FollowMonday @police @fire @ambulance
...about 9 hours ago from web

Can somebody please call Amex and get me a replacement card?
...about 8 hours ago from web

Last year P!nk kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was pissing blood for days. Did I make a scene?
...about 8 hours ago from web

@perezhilton's video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.
...about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry

Edit 1, June 24, 15:30PST:
Perez is now suing Polo Molina for "battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress" and seeking damages in excess of $25,000. (Yahoo News)

His lawyer Bryan Freedman wants you to know he's keen about his job:

"Rest assured that anyone who physically assaults Perez Hilton or encourages others to do so because they cannot handle a little criticism will be sued as quickly as I can type."

(Emphasis mine.)

Edit 2, June 25, 18:30PST:
Perez provides more teal deer, this time with paragraph breaks and a surprising title: I'm Sorry.

Highlights:
"I am sorry. And I mean it. No one is forcing me to write this. I am not feeling pressured to say this. I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me - and many others - than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend."

"I am sorry.

I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD. I could care less about them, my former employers."

"I have reached out to Isaiah Washington, someone I incorrectly labeled a homophobe in the past, despite his own public statements that he was not.

I will be donating any money collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation."

Edit 3, June 26, 16:00PST:
But wait! The Matthew Shepard Foundation doesn't want your steeeeeenking money,Perez.

"We do not know the details of the lawsuit, whether it has been filed, the nature of his claims or the likely outcome. But because the lawsuit presumably involves the physical attack prompted by Mr. Hilton's admitted use of an anti-gay slur, the Foundation will be unable to accept any funds obtained in such a manner."