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wanktastic ([info]wanktastic) wrote in [info]unfunnybusiness,
@ 2009-11-05 13:03:00


Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
B.C. Police Seek Serial Groin-Kicker
I can't lie; I guffawed a little when I first read the headline but the story is not actually funny at all. D:

B.C. Police Seek Serial Groin-Kicker After Series of Attacks



LANGLEY, B.C. -- Police in Langley are investigating after a woman kicked a man in the groin so hard he lost a testicle -- the latest in a series of similar assaults.

"I just want to know what her problem is," victim Anthony Clark, 22, said this week. "People like her shouldn't be on the streets."

Mr. Clark was walking in the Brookswood area of Langley in early September when he passed his assailant on the sidewalk.

"I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me," he said.

That's when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen.

Mr. Clark said he wasn't aware of the severity of his injury until later that night when he "noticed something was missing."

He consulted his doctor and a specialist, both of whom believed his testicle could be brought down again with surgery.

It wasn't until he woke up afterwards that he discovered the doctors were wrong - the force of the assault had caused his testicle to rupture. It had to be removed and will be replaced by a prosthetic before Christmas.

"My doctors say I will still be able to have children," Mr. Clark said. "But at 22 that's not something I want a stranger, this woman, to decide."

Embarrassed by the situation, Mr. Clark didn't go to the police until nearly four weeks after the attack.

Constables have told him there have been three or four similar assaults on other men, Mr. Clark said.

Langley RCMP said they would like to speak to other victims, although there have been no official reported incidents, spokeswoman Const. Holly Marks said.

The suspect is described as a Caucasian woman, in her late teens or early 20s. She was between five-foot-five and five-foot-seven and 130 pounds with a slim build and brown hair.

There is, of course, even more unfunny in the comments.


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[info]snarkhunter
2009-11-05 06:18 pm UTC (link)
Oh my GOD. That's awful.

I feel really bad for that guy.

(Of course, if any of those men had touched her first, I'd say it was justified. But this sounds like a crazy lady going around committing violent sexual assaults, so.)

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[info]airawyn
2009-11-05 07:01 pm UTC (link)
What kind of reporting is this? I can't serve as virtual judge and jury without more information. First, "attack" is a really harsh word and might bias a jury against a defendant. Let's call it a "forced foot-groin meeting." Second, what was he wearing? How was he acting? Was he out alone? Was he sober? If he was drunk, alone and wearing a rape-joke t-shirt, then he probably wanted to get kicked in the groin. Plus, there's no personal history on the alleged "victim." Is this his first groin injury or has it happened before? Does he play the kind of sports where he could get a ball to the nuts at any time? Also, he waited four weeks before reporting it, so it can't have been that bad. Maybe he wanted it, and then felt ashamed after.

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[info]snarkhunter
2009-11-05 07:30 pm UTC (link)
Ha! WIN.

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[info]ladysphinx
2009-11-05 08:05 pm UTC (link)
. . . will someone PLEASE tell me if I should be laughing quite so hard</i> at this???

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[info]ariadne484
2009-11-05 08:09 pm UTC (link)
*cackles*

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[info]brennalarose
2009-11-06 12:25 am UTC (link)
Fuck! No, not funny, damn it, rochambeau'd a guy hard enough to bust a ball--Okay, yeah, I DID LOL.

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[info]honorh
2009-11-06 12:45 am UTC (link)
Ouch.

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Her Naughtiness approves.
[info]taktuk
2009-11-06 01:59 am UTC (link)
If you lack an Internet, one will be provided for you.

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[info]kookaburra
2009-11-06 11:31 am UTC (link)
I love you. You need to comment that on the article. XD

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]jocelyncs
2009-11-06 05:07 pm UTC (link)
PRICELESS! So perfect it really is...unfunny, but hilarious at the same time. I can't decide whether to laugh until I cry or cry until I laugh.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]telegramsam
2009-11-09 06:56 pm UTC (link)
I shouldn't laugh at this, but I totally LOL'd.

*hands you a nutsack of cool points*

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[info]sithwitch13
2009-11-05 07:04 pm UTC (link)
Serious response: oh holy shit, that's terrible.

Actual first thought that popped into my head: "And at the top of the list of suspects is Sasha Caylo."

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[info]tetradecimal
2009-11-05 07:35 pm UTC (link)
He went four weeks with a ruptured testicle? If you rupture anything, please see a doctor D:

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[info]wanktastic
2009-11-05 07:40 pm UTC (link)
No, he waited four weeks to go to the police. It looks like he realized the day after the attack how severe his injury was and had the testicle removed shortly after.

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[info]tetradecimal
2009-11-05 07:43 pm UTC (link)
Oh, duh. Reading fail.

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[info]ashu
2009-11-05 08:13 pm UTC (link)
... what the fuck British Columbia, what the fuck.

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[info]mockygogo
2009-11-05 08:42 pm UTC (link)
"My doctors say I will still be able to have children," Mr. Clark said. "But at 22 that's not something I want a stranger, this woman, to decide."

Try reading that reversing genders and it wouldn't even make the news ticker.

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[info]rachelmap
2009-11-06 06:14 am UTC (link)
Yes it would. It most certainly would--but only because women don't normally have testicles.

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[info]brennalarose
2009-11-06 12:28 am UTC (link)
What the hell? Okay, yes, I giggled, but then I read the article and I was freaked out. WHY? I hope they catch her.

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[info]honorh
2009-11-06 12:43 am UTC (link)
Whaaaat? Who the hell does that?

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[info]fern_on_fen
2009-11-06 01:39 am UTC (link)
Wow. She ruptured his goddamn testicle. I just...what? I can't even. PEOPLE.

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[info]taktuk
2009-11-06 02:01 am UTC (link)
Real Life uses F.A.T.A.L.'s critical hit table?

As someone who's already lost a testicle, I'm glad I don't live in BC. The boys are on their last life as it were.

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[info]bienegold
2009-11-06 04:04 am UTC (link)
HAHAHA! I laughed. Oh, FATAL.

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[info]chikane
2009-11-06 05:27 pm UTC (link)
The comments in the links sure seem like something the FATAL writers would write.

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[info]mastervex
2009-11-06 06:24 am UTC (link)
AUGH.

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[info]cyndra_falin
2009-11-06 07:45 pm UTC (link)
OT but your icon! Penfold! I miss Danger Mouse.

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[info]judyhazeleyes
2009-11-06 03:11 pm UTC (link)
Really, home province? Really?

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[info]blue_linnet
2009-11-07 01:35 am UTC (link)
Yeah, seriously. I was thinking 'figures when my home is featured on UFB it'll be groin kicking'...yeah.

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[info]quantumreality
2009-11-07 03:18 am UTC (link)
I saw this in the news recently as well and I just went D:

Stay classy, my home province, stay classy... :-S

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]lexingmouse3
2009-11-06 03:33 pm UTC (link)
kicked a man in the groin so hard he lost a testicle

OMG. /pained gasp

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[info]duende
2009-11-06 08:13 pm UTC (link)
Just when you thought armored codpieces were going out of style...

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[info]taktuk
2009-11-07 02:39 am UTC (link)
Remember, folks, fortification is a hefty +4 bonus but critical hit protection could have prevented this terrible, terrible tragedy.

See your magic item crafter for more details.

(Reply to this)(Parent)


[info]spudsey
2009-11-07 04:53 am UTC (link)
I don't even have testicles and I'm cringing. D:

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