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Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
12:26 pm - Bandom Wank: The Musical!

arionhunter 		Select scenes from the latest bandom wank, preformed live. Set in one's favorite Rogers and Hammerstein musical setting.

Stage: Large group of wankas stage left. Mouse is seated on plush chair, set alone stage right. Beside Mouse is a copy of "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior."

Mouse: I am just horrified! You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

(Cue beginning of musical number, "Laughing at The Noob.")

--

Wankas (closing chorus of "Laughing at the Noob"): "We eaaaattt our oooowwn!"

lydiapinkham (in falsetto): "We drink tea and are charmingly genteel!"

Lone Wanka (stage whisper to the audience): "I thought we had the lesbian sex after crumpets."

Wankas: (sharp intake of breath) WHAT?

ETA: [info]nonnynonnymouse has shown up to let us know what "bitches" we are, announcing we are MOUTHAFUCKAAASS and that they have "DEFEATED THE FANDOM WANK." Sadly, someone forgot to tell [info]nonnynonnymouse that they were a key part of our required dramatic "death of the villain" scene and plummeted off a three story building before letting the stage crew prepare the cushion of two-year-old Peeps. (Cap thanks to [info]alya1989262 and [info]airie.)

(131 comments | comment on this)

Monday, June 2nd, 2008
2:50 pm - "Always leave 'em wanting more" does not apply to everything.

shaysdays 		Hmmm... perhaps this should be more clairvoyantwankitywank, but such a creature does not exist.

Long-time noob [info]lots42 (however that works) decides to post his Fat Grudge Report. Minus links to anything involved. Plus copious edits, ETA's, and requests that people not go too nuts.

http://www.journalfen.net/community/otf_wank/598762.html

[info]llama_treats said it best:

You know, one upon a time this person[1] made a post to a wank community[2] which didn't include any wank[3].


[1] you
[2] otf_wank
[3] lol

It's been through three edits so far, post caps if you've got 'em.

Edit- All they are is dust in the wind...
Edit- Thanks, Ayla! http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y26/Alya1989262/lots42-on-otf.jpg

(105 comments | comment on this)

Friday, May 30th, 2008
4:40 pm - And good times were had by all!

rotten_fish 		So, misery loves company. That's exactly why I'm sharing this with you lovely folks.

( summation of Wiscon business )

And then all of this is reported by PyrateJenni on Unfunnybusiness (modded by PJ), except with a whole lot less detail. The post immediately goes downhill, as many disagree with PJ's summation or take offense to her seemingly random, yet specific, inclusion of Coffeeandink, and she responds to. every. single. comment. angrily, even if they don't disagree with her! Soon enough people who are in the know-how join the discussion, and everything explodes in schlicking (or fapping) fury.

( Highlights include! )

(189 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
11:26 pm - That Supernatural Wank, or Our Collective Soul Looked Back and Said, "LOLL!"

loki 		...but not until the crazies showed up on Page 3. More on them in a bit.

The first two pages are pretty much people hashing out the argument, clarifying what's going on, and telling the OP that her html is jacked to hell. Observe: Irrationality! On F_W! WHY I NEVER.

(Protip: When you see comments like these, chances are good this wasn't a good F_W topic.)

So yeah, pages 1&2 are unfunny. Well, page 2's saving grace is probably the the recipe thread. If you want the good shit, you go to page 3.

First up, we have this chick, here to tell us about...something. I'm not real clear as to what, but I know it's definitely not about how manly the guys in the show are. Also, F_W and everyone on it are INSANE.

Oooh, look! Now we can ask people for their thoughts on statistics instead of yaoi!

ETA: And in case any of you were wondering, the hive vagina is alive and well or something (Thanks, [info]mindset).

In closing, have an icon: THE SQUEE MUST FLOW!

(275 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, May 4th, 2008
2:15 am

alya1989262 		So, in case anyone's wondering where did [info]kijikun's post in [info]clairvoyantwank go, I have caps.

Post with only the first two edits.

Post after she re-edited it to make herself look less wanky.

(I'm posting this because I don't think the original post was deleted by a mod. However, feel free to correct me if I'm being an asshat)

EDIT: images are now a proper size.

current mood: Focused

(63 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
9:31 pm - The hat trick of fail!

panthea 		Meet [info]anyamarcos:

Hello! First post from me. I just joined here, and honestly, I only joined because I HAD to share this wank with someone who would appreciate it.

She's a living (supposedly), breathing (probably) illustration of the finer principles of LURK MOAR.

[info]fools_game enumerates her many sins:

You post a wank report starting with "First wank, please be gentle" or something similar? FAIL.

Your wank is unfunny and to do with racism, which is not funny? FAIL

You are heavily, unashamedly involved in beginning and perpetuating the wank? FAIL.

When people point out your fail, you get defensive and snippy, insinuate that everybody else is WRONG in their interpreation or knowledge of the rules, and post an annoyed, passive-aggressive comment about how they are WRONG? FAIL FAIL FAIL.

[info]ghostmaster is similarly unimpressed by the overuse of passive-aggressive smiley faces.

Frankly, no one cares what the actual wank is about. The few hardy souls who do click on the link discover an extra-special bonus dimension of fail: [info]anyamarcos has provided the real first name, location, and other identifying information of the target of her ire. And apparently also reported his Internet Shenanigans to his parents. OR SO SHE SAYS.

Mods delete the original [info]otf_wank post, as well as the subsequent [info]i_wank redux, a) for linking to personal info and b) because said target of said ire is still in high school, and so might be underage. [info]anyamarcos says he's over 18, but then [info]anyamarcos is demonstrably a dumbass, so draw your own conclusions.

But all is not lost! Behold (with judicious editing):
  • The original post on [info]otf_wank.
  • The first collapsed thread, in which [info]loopywafflehead politely inquires about the whole name-and-address thing.
  • The second thread, in which [info]t_boy questions the purpose of the OP's, ahem, dedication, and she gets defensive. With smileys in.
  • Thread the third, in which we are collectively deemed to be rabid Rottweilers. Somewhere, a hyena weeps and wonders where she went wrong. And then eats a baby.
  • The fourth glorious thread, where [info]tez breaks out the SEAL OF FAIL.

    • The link has been removed from all the files, as well as the original wanker's (wankee's?) nickname. Please DO NOT repost this information here. It's for your own good. There are no small parts, only small actors. We have always been at war with Oceania. And you in the back, that'll never heal if you keep picking at it.

    (137 comments | comment on this)

    Monday, April 7th, 2008
    1:17 pm - This is awesome! I mean full of fail. I keep getting those two things confused.

    caito         		[info]hibari accidentally reveals that she's committed a mortal wanka sin, and has been trolling the wank.

    Journalfen hero [info]bemysty cottons on and calls her out on it.

    At this point, [info]hibari vanishes from the thread mysteriously (you can't see it, but I'm wiggling my fingers and speaking in a spooky voice!).But it's okay, because her buddy [info]zee comes to her defense, calling [info]bemysty bitchy and wanky with a stick in her ass.

    Then [info]puipui and [info]aristaea hop into the mudpit, ostensibly to up the sexy quotient of this girlfight, as at least one brought boobies. There are calls to lurk moar, there are assertations of some kind of seniority, there are reminders of FW etiquette (we eat our own (but on real bread, or the demonspawn kind?), we don't comment to wank-in-progress no-matter-fucking-what).

    And in the end, it turns out we all hate freedom. Or something.

    current mood: *drool*

    (96 comments | comment on this)

    Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
    4:04 pm - Achewood. Serious business. Film at 11.

    harrylovesron         		Tsk.

    A wank report about the webcomic Achewood has devolved speedily into Your Thoughts On Achewood- and as of this writing, it hasn't even broken 90 comments yet! and it's barely begun!

    Observe:
    http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1141594.html?thread=172816730#t172816730
    http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1141594.html?thread=172817754#t172817754
    http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1141594.html?thread=172833114#t172833114

    And one final comment from [info]hooverdam to let us know why being an ass about people having different tastes is acceptable:
    Think of it this way: When was the last time someone pointed out how Smallville, Supernatural, Torchwood, or any of the other mediocre sci-fi/fantasy shows that turn up here so frequently are, in fact, awful? Think of it as "other fandoms, other rooms" day here.

    ETA: More from [info]hooverdam, who this time invokes the "GOD YOU PEOPLE ARE SO OLD MEME AND YOU'RE NOT FUNNY" defense for being a condescending ass!
    I freely admit Achewood isn't for everyone; it really doesn't bug me all that much to see people who don't get it. What does bug me is claims of "it's not funny" from people who think that tired-ass catchphrases and worn-out memes ("your thoughts on yaoi," "boobies!", etc.) are high-larious.

    current mood: *sporfle!*

    (278 comments | comment on this)

    Friday, November 16th, 2007
    3:41 pm - If vaginas could talk...

    morgyne         		http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1122335.html

    YA RLY!

    current mood: thoughtful

    (142 comments | comment on this)

    Sunday, October 7th, 2007
    6:51 pm

    harrylovesron         		TO COUNTER [info]grunhilda'S REFUSAL TO HIT THE SHIFT KEY, I'M TYPING THIS REPORT IN ALL CAPS. BECAUSE CAPS NEED LOVE TOO.

    SO [info]grunhilda MAKES A WANK REPORT.

    WANKAS QUICKLY CATCH ON TO THE FOLLOWING:
    1. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCKING FANDOM IT IS, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE SHE ABBREVIATED IT
    2. THE CAPS KEY GETS NO LOVE. ;______;

    LOTS OF LULZ TO BE HAD.

    GRUNHILDA DOESN'T GET IT!
    WE'RE CHILDISH AND SHE FINDS IT SO VERY AMUSING, REALLY, LOOK!!!
    OH SHIT, THEY'RE ONTO ME
    PISH'S FANART OF POOR NEGLECTED BABY SHIFTY ;_____;
    IT'S JUST MY WAY OF EXPRESSING MYSELF GUYS GAWD
    BUT IT'S JUST WANK DUDES

    ETA: OH, BB. YOU ARE MAKING THIS FAR TOO EASY.
    ETA LOL: SO MUCH POINT MISSING! CAN'T BREATHE- TOO FUNNY- SEND IPODS AND LIP GLOSS DDDD:

    current mood: amused

    (403 comments | comment on this)

    Monday, September 17th, 2007
    1:29 pm

    harrylovesron         		Some garden-variety HP wank of the "JKR sucks because she didn't cater to my tastes so I'm gonna be pompus and lecture her on how to be a better writer" persuasion is posted. There's some kerfuffle over whether it's really wank or not, but a true treat comes in the form of this thread, in which [info]napalmnacey informs us that the series is "a goddamn mess" because JKR explicitly spelled out in book 7 what should have been obvious from at least book 4. [info]peachespig tries pointing out that it's the fans who are the mess, not JKR, if it had to come to that point for them to finally accept reality. This starts off loads of Not Getting It and much of the fap fap fap.

    There's plenty of good shit in there, but my favorite parts:
    I'M GONNA STOP COMMENTING, REALLY (after which she merrily continues on anyway, because of course she can't let go of the fact that people disagree!)
    Trotting out the "OMG YOU PEOPLE DISAGREE WITH ME SO I'M GONNA WHINE ABOUT HOW I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OPINION NOW!" card.

    And fair warning, people, filling the comments of this post with Your Thoughts On JKR will result in SHIVVING. We're here to mock.

    ETA: XD GODDAMN YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR FUNNY

    current mood: *sporfle!*

    (246 comments | comment on this)

    Friday, September 7th, 2007
    11:27 am

    harrylovesron         		[info]daringu tries to start a discussion in fandom_lounge.

    This brings out [info]slashpine to let us all know that we're a bunch of grudgewanking cunts who don't know how to read rules. [info]babsbunny is also on hand to tell us that we're ALL MEANIE POO-POO HEADS omg. :(((((

    WHEN WILL IT END? WILL THESE BRAVE CRUSADERS EVER CONVINCE US TO STOP OUR GRUDGY, CUNTY, BABY-EATING WAYS? Tune in next time to find out on episode #6858065 of... "AS FANDOM_WANK GRUDGES."

    current mood: *sporfle!*

    (122 comments | comment on this)

    Friday, August 24th, 2007
    12:32 pm - Doctor Who may have killed Snarry, but its fen are still crazy

    esclaramonde         		First up, [info]ladymako71 notes in her JF that a rabid Rosefan who "hate[s] ... anyone not Rose" is the mod of a community dedicated to loving Donna the awesome. [info]ladymako71 then posts a link to her post in [info]wank_report - I'm not sure why, because while it's a wanky fact, one wanky fact does not a wank report make. At any rate, wank or not, the nest of Doctor Who mice who live at [info]wank_report jump in and decide that there must. be. wank. somewhere. (The mod in question puts out a call for a new mod who ships Doctor/Donna, because she doesn't want to read "that shippy stuff". It's not like looking at her icons gives one the impression that she only cares about Rose or anything.) Doctor Who: everyone wanks.

    Secondly, someone notes that [info]nostalgia's anon meme is "One big wankfest on why every Rose fan is batship", &c. This time, we have a departure from the norm: instead of a Rosefan complaining that the original wank-poster is grudgewanking someone just because they like Ten/Rose, a poster accuses the OP of being a grudgy Rosefan.

    current mood: ashamed of my fandom

    (30 comments | comment on this)

    Sunday, August 12th, 2007
    11:20 am - Free speech = SRS BZNS. As does signing your posts.

    bitch_ass_hoe         		Posts about LJ/6A's interesting take on what kind of material they will tolerate have been taken off the main wankcomms because they are no longer funny. But, to my mind, when people start tossing the terms "freedom of speech" around in relation to LJ communities, that's always hilarious.

    In the [info]fandomlounge, an enterprising JFer reports the latest target of LJ/6A deleteobots: the proanorexia community. [info]velvetwhip (aka Gabrielle, as she keeps reminding us) kicks the high drama off with a take on Paster Niemoller: if we don't defend deliberate starvation then we can't defend our beloved Snarrypr0nz. [info]airwyn strikes back:

    Giving people (especially minors) step-by-step instructions on how to kill themselves is not generally covered under free speech..

    But! Just when you thought this was going to get shifted to [info]6a_cornfield, the wank totally jumps the tracks, and we have a flashback to the glorydays of Kittenmommy. [info]tez gets it; [info]puipui gets it. And then purplefeen comes valiantly to the aid of [info]velvetwhip. In response to her distaste for the famous 4chan meme "Y HALO THAR", a different meme is heard throughout the land - "LURK MOAR". Except that she very rarely frequents the site, so no can do on the lurking. Also, she's not here to make friends!!!

    Meanwhile, [info]shannon370 doesn't like the way that the signing-posts issue has distracted us all from the srs bzns of FREE SPEECH. [info]puipui replies: do you get the point of this community at all?!?

    BONUS!: back in the original topic, someone links the most revolting piece of "thinspiration" EVAR. And - joy! - someone apart from me remembers the "proscurvy" comm. (ETA link.)

    current mood: Dramatic

    (192 comments | comment on this)

    Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
    11:41 am - Miscegenation by any other name is just as bad.

    ymfaery         		I think there might be more examples of this in the pages of comments on that HP daily_deviant wank, but I'm goofing off at work lazy and don't feel like looking for it. So there.

    [info]_morrigan_ is yet another person who is surprised at how many people didn't know the term "miscegenation" before the wank. And I was one of them.

    [info]elian and [info]dana both point out it's mostly used by Americans, with [info]dana expressing some annoyance on the subject.

    [info]melannen is in turn annoyed by all those people from other countries saying they don't see why they should know/use an American term.

    Mildly wanky, but a lot of annoyance going around. Justifiable, or ethnocentric? Or can it be both?

    current mood: grouchy

    (121 comments | comment on this)

    Monday, July 23rd, 2007
    2:00 pm - Snark. You keep using that word

    pyratejenni         		I do not think it means what you think it means.

    In which [info]flyingskull can't spell, [info]theregoesmygun is confused, and [info]sepiamagpie's inbox is disressingly full.

    current mood: Overwhelmed

    (244 comments | comment on this)

    Saturday, July 14th, 2007
    11:06 am - Just how Meta can we Geta?

    frequentmouse         		Today I bring you the ultimate in metawank: Wank on [info]wank_report .

    Race wank is alleged about a post by [info]nostalgia_lj and someone shows up to accuse the commentors of being thick, succeeded by a thread of anons sniping at each other about race, Roseism, and assorted Martha oppression.

    And let me say here that I was never more glad that the closest I get to this fandom is watching the show and laughing at the macros at I Has a Tardis.

    (edited to take care of some rather approximate typing).

    ETA: There have been two additional posts to [info]wank_report expanding and reinforcing the original wankiness, of which today's (July 18) has generated a comment thread.

    Time for a cage match? There could be oil involved!

    (52 comments | comment on this)

    Friday, June 22nd, 2007
    8:29 am - I vaguely agree with you, and I still wish you would sit down and shut up already.

    elgato_gamgins         		I was a bit disappointed that I didn't find the newest House fandom wank in time, but I found another! It's kind-of related to said wank.

    Fandom Wank's own Wanks About the Topic Previously Wanked About in Fanfiction and it's Seriously Gay

    The long threads are the best. Such as here and here.

    But size doesn't matter, as some others have laughable comments and icons.

    Update: Dear Zoomwankers, lay off the capslock key please? Bold, red text is still annoying to read, but I'd rather see that and it shows that you can code your anger.

    current mood: Cliquish

    (275 comments | comment on this)

    Monday, May 28th, 2007
    12:52 pm - "You seem surprised I'm ranting on a ranting community. This is funny."

    semtex         		…No, no it's not. Really.

    ( Now with tldr Author's Notes! Feel free to scroll right on past them! )

    [info]cathowl posts a tl;dr frothing rant about ff.nets's rules oppreshun on [info]fandom_rant. At first the reaction is lukewarm bemusement and a passing mention of rules.
    Somewhere along the line things take a slightly wanktastic detour, mostly due to [info]cathowl suffering a mildly toxic case of Just Not Getting It:
    [info]pyratejenni asks [info]cathowl if he will post again when ff.net boots him off for not following "their ridiculous totalitarian rules".
    [info]nevadafighter points out that the OP has mistaken [info]fandom_rant for some other community.
    Finally, [info]esorlehcar would rather not have [info]fandom_rant be the dumping grounds of entitlement ragewhen a user is caught breaking rules.
    [info]onaga finally points out that the OP may have meant to post this in [info]fanficrants.

    I'm wondering if this will peter off or grow into a full blown case of flounce disease, myself. Good times. All that is missing is "Do you get the point of this community at all?!?!" to complete this teeny tiny circle of wank.

    [ETA for great justice:]

    Author's notes in question are here

    Finishing Move! While eventually adopting a more reasonable tone, [info]cathowl pulls the Asperger's card Oh, [info]cathowl why? You were almost done mopping up after yourself.

    current mood: *thud*

    (143 comments | comment on this)

    Sunday, May 13th, 2007
    12:51 am - It's troll feeding time! :(

    ymfaery         		[info]cookie_love, I realize it's your post, but your attempts to correct [info]njyoder isn't working. I would have thought that was obvious after the first ten comments.

    current mood: *thud*

    (111 comments | comment on this)

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