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Caito Potato (![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} caito) wrote in ![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/community.gif){kind=small} wankitywank,@ 2009-01-21 15:01:00 |
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Law & Order: Wank Report Unit
In the communitywank_report, the wanks are reported by two separate, yet equally important groups. The mice who post about wank and the wankas who look through to find wanks worth posting to the proper wank comms.
These are their stories.
Although inspired by a true incident, the following story is fictionalized and does not attempt to emulate reality.
FADE IN
INT.wank_report - MIDNIGHT
wank_report is almost completely dark. There is the distinct sound of mice scurrying.
A flame lights up amidst the blackness. Some mice gasp, others scramble away in panic.
FLAME MOUSE
Brought to you by keeperofthecheez, the biggest cunt in fandom!
The flame vanishes as suddenly as it appeared, and Flame Mouse escapes under the cover of darkness. Confused, the mice become agitated.
VARIOUS MICE
Huh? Who is that, and why do they matter? What the shit is this about? WTF? At least provide a link!
Before the mice even finish squeaking, there is a deafening explosion.
DUN DUN dun dun dun dun dun dun
Law & Order: Wank Report Unit
starringcaito
themadscientist
vzg
And Anonymice
durr durrrrr
created byeljuno
FADE IN
INT.wank_report - EARLY MORNING
caito crosses the yellow police line set up around the crime scene. Around her, wankers and wankas alike are gawking at the scene. There is a sound of sirens.
caito
What exactly happened here?
themadscientist meets caito and walks alongside her as she observes the mess.
themadscientist
Serious wanksplosion. Forensics suggests it started as a flame but then got completely out of hand.
caito
Out of hand... and all over the wank reporting comm.
themadscientist
Watch out, the splooge is still sticky.
vzg(o.s.)
Detectives!
caito and themadscientist hustle to where vzg crouches over some anonymice victims.
themadscientist
Death by jizz. What a way to go.
vzg
I want you to take a look at this. There's some abnormalities in the victims. See this?
vzg points out that one corpse has yellow eyes.
vzg
And this?
She points out another corpse's front paws are backward from the wrist.
caito
Ew, that's weird.
vzg
I'm not done yet. This one here has horns. One over there is even has wings. Do you understand what this means?
caito
There's something in the water?
themadscientist
These mice are unnatural, almost... otherworldly. It's like the-- they're Supernatural mice!
themadscientist and caito exchange a significant look.
caito
We've got a lead, let's go.
CUT TO:
Several anonymice are chatting animatedly behind the yellow police line. They suddenly clam up when they seecaito and themadscientist approaching.
caito
Hey! We need to talk to you!
Some mice nervously scurry away, butthemadscientist catches one roughly at the nape of the neck, and looks it up and down.
themadscientist
How funny you couldn't run any faster with your rabbit feet, anonymouse. Now, tell me... why would a mouse have rabbit feet?
caito
The only reason I can think of is that the mouse is supernatural... am I right, Rabbit Feet Mouse?
RABBIT FEET MOUSE
I don't know anything. I wasn't even here when this shit went down.
themadscientist
We aren't pointing any fingers at you, mouse, we just want you to answer a few questions.
RABBIT FEET MOUSE nods nervously.
caito
Okay, mouse, we need to know: who are the biggest wankers in Supernatural fandom?
RABBIT FEET MOUSE
I don't know, I don't know.
themadscientist
Don't fuck with us, mousey, we need to know who could have possibly generated enough splooge to flood thewank_report comments.
caito
Don't make it harder for yourself, just name names.
RABBIT FEET MOUSE
There's, uh, uh. Well, there's esorlehcar. ckll, too. vinylroad? Yeah, vinylroad. If you ask me, I'd vote ckll, what a crazy fucking bitch. Along with all_feeling - she requires a mention, if not medication.
caito
Thanks, mouse.
caito nods at themadscientist, who releases RABBIT FEET MOUSE. RABBIT FEET MOUSE hop-scurries away.
themadscientist
I know just where to go.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT.wank_report - MIDMORNING
caito and themadscientist are walking. themadscientist is on her phone, nodding, then hangs up quickly.
themadscientist
That wasvzg. According to interviews done at the crime scene, we can add affectingly, dontyouwaitup, and balefully to our list of suspects.
caito
This is getting ridiculous. We'll never find out who did it at this rate.
themadscientist
Could more than one Supernatural wanker be working together?
caito
It's been said that dontyouwaitup and affectingly do each other IRL, but we don't want to take this investigation there if we have to.
themadscientist
Invasion of privacy? Overstepping netiquette boundaries? Possibly trolling the wank?
caito
No. It's that I'm not a real detective, I just play one on the internet.
themadscientist
Oh, look, a new thread.
They look down at the ground in front of them, where there is, indeed, a new thread. They follow it a short ways and find themselves approaching some anonymice loitering nearby.caito and themadscientist look them over, to see whether they have any supernatural characteristics. One has a hook for a hand, one appears to be a shtriga, and one of them is playing air guitar to "Eye of the Tiger."
HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Keepa probably scares poor Jared to death.
SHTRIGA MOUSE
Bish, plz. One word: janglyjewels.
themadscientist
Excuse me?
HOOK HANDED MOUSE and SHTRIGA MOUSE look atthemadscientist, who shows her FANDOM POLICE badge.
AIR GUITAR MOUSE
It's the-- eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight...
themadscientist
We're investigated a wanksplosion that happened last night atwank_report. You wouldn't happen to know anything, would you?
SHTRIGA MOUSE
They're all fucking nut jobs.
AIR GUITAR MOUSE
Rising up to the challenge of a rival...
caito
Hey, there, witchy-vampirey-mousey, you sound a little shellshocked. Where were you around midnight last night?
HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Hey, po-po, there's a big difference between writing fictional incest and stalking actors in real life.
SHTRIGA MOUSE
Wait, when did she stalk him IRL? How did I miss this gloriousness?
AIR GUITAR MOUSE
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night...
caito looks at themadscientist desperately.
caito
This is the point at which I admit I know next to nothing about Supernatural and its fandom.
themadscientist pats caito reassuringly on the shoulder, then turns to HOOK HANDED MOUSE, SHTRIGA MOUSE, and AIR GUITAR MOUSE.
themadscientist
Look, there's a huge mess inwank_report right now, and we just want to get to the bottom of it and find out who's responsible.
caito's phone rings. She nods to themadscientist and moves away to answer the phone while themadscientist speaks to HOOK HANDED MOUSE and SHTRIGA MOUSE.
caito
'ello?
vzg (O.S.)
caito, it's vzg. We found the original comment that caused the wanksplosion. It was a random flame about some keepaofthecheez person, posted by an anonymouse.
caito sighs.
HOOK HANDED MOUSE (O.S.)
I'm telling you, keepaofthecheez is the biggest wanker in Supernatural fandom. She's nice until you put a toe out of line and she sends her attack dogs to deal with you.
caito
If it's an anonymouse, I guess that means we'll never know for sure who did it.
vzg (O.S.)
Not necessarily. I checked the IP address for fingerprints, and it turned out the comment wasn't posted by someone with a normal finger on their mouse. It appears they used some sort of piercing instrument.
caito
Like... a... hook...
caito slams her cell phone shut and shoves it into her pocket, then pulls out a pair of handcuffs and briskly walks over to HOOK HANDED MOUSE. She grabs the mouse roughly, cuffing here.
HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
caito
You are under arrest for causing a wanksplosion inwank_report. You have the right to remain silent, and anything you say may be mocked without mercy. You have the right to an internet attorney, but they won't help much if you're banned from journalfen.
HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Krazy cakes! I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for your meddling pseudo-science.
AIR GUITAR MOUSE
And he's watching us all in the EEEEEYE of the tiger!
caito shoves HOOK HANDED MOUSE into the back of a fandom police car and lets the fandom police take it away.
themadscientist
We found the guilty party, an anonymouse, but all the wankers in Supernatural fandom are partially to blame. If they hadn't built up so much splooge, the wanksplosion may have been averted.
caito
Is that the moral of the story?
themadscientist
Nah, that's just an observation. If you want a lesson, we can bring out the Wheel of Morality.
themadscientist pulls the Wheel of Morality out of her pants, puts it down, and spins it.
caito
Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us what lesson we should learn.
The Wheel of Morality stops.
themadscientist
"People who live in incest houses should not throw brotherfucking stones."
caito
That makes me feel all warm and squishy... or is that another wave of splooge?
FADE OUT
END CREDITS
In the community
wank_report, the wanks are reported by two separate, yet equally important groups. The mice who post about wank and the wankas who look through to find wanks worth posting to the proper wank comms.These are their stories.
Although inspired by a true incident, the following story is fictionalized and does not attempt to emulate reality.
FADE IN
INT.
wank_report - MIDNIGHTwank_report is almost completely dark. There is the distinct sound of mice scurrying.A flame lights up amidst the blackness. Some mice gasp, others scramble away in panic.
Brought to you by keeperofthecheez, the biggest cunt in fandom!
The flame vanishes as suddenly as it appeared, and Flame Mouse escapes under the cover of darkness. Confused, the mice become agitated.
Huh? Who is that, and why do they matter? What the shit is this about? WTF? At least provide a link!
Before the mice even finish squeaking, there is a deafening explosion.
Law & Order: Wank Report Unit
starring
caitothemadscientistvzgAnd Anonymice
durr durrrrr
created by
eljunoFADE IN
INT.
wank_report - EARLY MORNINGcaito crosses the yellow police line set up around the crime scene. Around her, wankers and wankas alike are gawking at the scene. There is a sound of sirens.caitoWhat exactly happened here?
themadscientist meets caito and walks alongside her as she observes the mess.themadscientistSerious wanksplosion. Forensics suggests it started as a flame but then got completely out of hand.
caitoOut of hand... and all over the wank reporting comm.
themadscientistWatch out, the splooge is still sticky.
vzg(o.s.)Detectives!
caito and themadscientist hustle to where vzg crouches over some anonymice victims.themadscientistDeath by jizz. What a way to go.
vzgI want you to take a look at this. There's some abnormalities in the victims. See this?
vzg points out that one corpse has yellow eyes.vzgAnd this?
She points out another corpse's front paws are backward from the wrist.
caitoEw, that's weird.
vzgI'm not done yet. This one here has horns. One over there is even has wings. Do you understand what this means?
caitoThere's something in the water?
themadscientistThese mice are unnatural, almost... otherworldly. It's like the-- they're Supernatural mice!
themadscientist and caito exchange a significant look.caitoWe've got a lead, let's go.
CUT TO:
Several anonymice are chatting animatedly behind the yellow police line. They suddenly clam up when they see
caito and themadscientist approaching.caitoHey! We need to talk to you!
Some mice nervously scurry away, but
themadscientist catches one roughly at the nape of the neck, and looks it up and down.themadscientistHow funny you couldn't run any faster with your rabbit feet, anonymouse. Now, tell me... why would a mouse have rabbit feet?
caitoThe only reason I can think of is that the mouse is supernatural... am I right, Rabbit Feet Mouse?
RABBIT FEET MOUSE
I don't know anything. I wasn't even here when this shit went down.
themadscientistWe aren't pointing any fingers at you, mouse, we just want you to answer a few questions.
RABBIT FEET MOUSE nods nervously.
caitoOkay, mouse, we need to know: who are the biggest wankers in Supernatural fandom?
RABBIT FEET MOUSE
I don't know, I don't know.
themadscientistDon't fuck with us, mousey, we need to know who could have possibly generated enough splooge to flood the
wank_report comments.caitoDon't make it harder for yourself, just name names.
RABBIT FEET MOUSE
There's, uh, uh. Well, there's esorlehcar. ckll, too. vinylroad? Yeah, vinylroad. If you ask me, I'd vote ckll, what a crazy fucking bitch. Along with all_feeling - she requires a mention, if not medication.
caitoThanks, mouse.
caito nods at themadscientist, who releases RABBIT FEET MOUSE. RABBIT FEET MOUSE hop-scurries away.themadscientistI know just where to go.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT.
wank_report - MIDMORNINGcaito and themadscientist are walking. themadscientist is on her phone, nodding, then hangs up quickly.themadscientistThat was
vzg. According to interviews done at the crime scene, we can add affectingly, dontyouwaitup, and balefully to our list of suspects.caitoThis is getting ridiculous. We'll never find out who did it at this rate.
themadscientistCould more than one Supernatural wanker be working together?
caitoIt's been said that dontyouwaitup and affectingly do each other IRL, but we don't want to take this investigation there if we have to.
themadscientistInvasion of privacy? Overstepping netiquette boundaries? Possibly trolling the wank?
caitoNo. It's that I'm not a real detective, I just play one on the internet.
themadscientistOh, look, a new thread.
They look down at the ground in front of them, where there is, indeed, a new thread. They follow it a short ways and find themselves approaching some anonymice loitering nearby.
caito and themadscientist look them over, to see whether they have any supernatural characteristics. One has a hook for a hand, one appears to be a shtriga, and one of them is playing air guitar to "Eye of the Tiger."Keepa probably scares poor Jared to death.
SHTRIGA MOUSE
Bish, plz. One word: janglyjewels.
themadscientistExcuse me?
HOOK HANDED MOUSE and SHTRIGA MOUSE look at
themadscientist, who shows her FANDOM POLICE badge.It's the-- eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight...
themadscientistWe're investigated a wanksplosion that happened last night at
wank_report. You wouldn't happen to know anything, would you?SHTRIGA MOUSE
They're all fucking nut jobs.
AIR GUITAR MOUSE
Rising up to the challenge of a rival...
caitoHey, there, witchy-vampirey-mousey, you sound a little shellshocked. Where were you around midnight last night?
HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Hey, po-po, there's a big difference between writing fictional incest and stalking actors in real life.
SHTRIGA MOUSE
Wait, when did she stalk him IRL? How did I miss this gloriousness?
AIR GUITAR MOUSE
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night...
caito looks at themadscientist desperately.caitoThis is the point at which I admit I know next to nothing about Supernatural and its fandom.
themadscientist pats caito reassuringly on the shoulder, then turns to HOOK HANDED MOUSE, SHTRIGA MOUSE, and AIR GUITAR MOUSE.themadscientistLook, there's a huge mess in
wank_report right now, and we just want to get to the bottom of it and find out who's responsible.caito's phone rings. She nods to themadscientist and moves away to answer the phone while themadscientist speaks to HOOK HANDED MOUSE and SHTRIGA MOUSE.caito'ello?
vzg (O.S.)caito, it's vzg. We found the original comment that caused the wanksplosion. It was a random flame about some keepaofthecheez person, posted by an anonymouse.caito sighs.I'm telling you, keepaofthecheez is the biggest wanker in Supernatural fandom. She's nice until you put a toe out of line and she sends her attack dogs to deal with you.
caitoIf it's an anonymouse, I guess that means we'll never know for sure who did it.
vzg (O.S.)Not necessarily. I checked the IP address for fingerprints, and it turned out the comment wasn't posted by someone with a normal finger on their mouse. It appears they used some sort of piercing instrument.
caitoLike... a... hook...
caito slams her cell phone shut and shoves it into her pocket, then pulls out a pair of handcuffs and briskly walks over to HOOK HANDED MOUSE. She grabs the mouse roughly, cuffing here.Hey, what the hell are you doing?
caitoYou are under arrest for causing a wanksplosion in
wank_report. You have the right to remain silent, and anything you say may be mocked without mercy. You have the right to an internet attorney, but they won't help much if you're banned from journalfen.HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Krazy cakes! I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for your meddling pseudo-science.
AIR GUITAR MOUSE
And he's watching us all in the EEEEEYE of the tiger!
caito shoves HOOK HANDED MOUSE into the back of a fandom police car and lets the fandom police take it away.themadscientistWe found the guilty party, an anonymouse, but all the wankers in Supernatural fandom are partially to blame. If they hadn't built up so much splooge, the wanksplosion may have been averted.
caitoIs that the moral of the story?
themadscientistNah, that's just an observation. If you want a lesson, we can bring out the Wheel of Morality.
themadscientist pulls the Wheel of Morality out of her pants, puts it down, and spins it.caitoWheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us what lesson we should learn.
The Wheel of Morality stops.
themadscientist"People who live in incest houses should not throw brotherfucking stones."
caitoThat makes me feel all warm and squishy... or is that another wave of splooge?
FADE OUT
END CREDITS
